The Deepest

Whatever happened to the days when we could lay in bed and get so wrapped up in a book that we never got up? Or the days when love conquered all, when we could rush to each other's side at any sign of fire? Lately, I'm finding every reason to cry, every reason to hate, every reason to be unhappy and it's all so easy to find those emotions in my life right now. I'm spending so much energy putting on a front to every one in my life, a front that I'm happy, well at least content, that I love my job, that I'm doing alright on my own. And inside, with everything I've gone through here, everything I've put up with in my job, everything that I've dealt with with my family and the emotional roller coaster I feel like I'm constantly living in my long distance relationship, I don't have any energy left at the end of the day, and then people wonder why I'm so exhausted at 8 o'clock.

Growing up, no one ever explains to you how to make the tough decisions, or that boys will break your heart over and over or that family will let you down. It's all the stories about how the men in your life are supposed to race through the airport after you, how living your own life will make you independent, how careers will form right before your eyes and you'll truly make a difference. And then you get here... to this point in your life, in a job in which the company has disappointed you beyond belief, in a relationship across an ocean that made you come here in the first place, and in the middle of family issues that have you scarred forever. And then you wonder, is this really what's it all supposed to be? Is this what I've been dreaming of my whole life? And maybe it's because my dreams were above what normal expectations should be, maybe it's because in the end, everybody just ends up disappointing me, maybe it's because I expect too much from everyone, even myself. Maybe it's because the support I need, the support I used to have is gone, maybe it's because every day I wake up and wish I wasn't here.

And after all of it, after thinking I could master the world, go after my dreams, maybe I can't. Maybe I don't have it in me, maybe everything and everyone that I thought would be there for me, won't ever step up to be there. What happened to the romance? The idealistic dreams? What happened to surprises and moments when I thought the world would stop turning? I don't know what happened to them but they aren't here, they aren't in me anymore. This past four months has changed me inside, and sometimes beyond recognition of myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who this girl is, there's nothing here to hold on to anymore.

I feel like there really isn't anything to hold on to anymore, and every time I feel like I finally get a firm grip on something, on him, on home, on family, my grip fails and I'm falling once again. Sometimes there is nothing in my life to hold on to, sometimes the only emotions I feel in this world make me the loneliest I've ever been. All I want is to be home, wrapped up in a blanket watching the rain pour down outside... but that won't happen... and who knows how long it will be till it does.