Every Second

There were moments the last few days when I felt truly whole again, moments when I felt like nothing could ruin anything, like for the first time in my life, I truly knew where I am meant to be, who I am meant to be, where my true home is. My whole life I've been searching for that something that would complete me. That feeling most people have when they go home to family, that feeling of knowing that there is one place in this world that will always be there for you to return to, that place that soothes your soul and makes all your problems fade away. For me, I've always struggled with finding that until two days ago.

This move has been one of the hardest and most bitter sweet things in my life. While it has opened so many doors, it has also made me much farther away from others. And while I can't wait to be back there living my life again, I also know that I must make the most of it while I am here. I also know that I must find a way to keep going even though my heart is aching ever more every day. I know that this happened for a reason and that it will all work out for me as time goes on.

So tonight as the evening fades, I am going to pretend that the leaves are changing and that you are here by my side, holding me close, your fingers filling the spaces between mine. The night turns light blue outside and after only leaving just hours ago, I can't help but feel lost again, and broken down. I felt so whole for two days, the first time in my life I've felt so complete, so truly meant to be somewhere and it's gone, not forever, but gone for tonight, for now. There is so much I miss, so much I want to have tonight but can't. There are no leaves changing colors, no fall breeze, no Portland. And as much as I try to pretend that it's here, as much I try to accept a different kind of scene, I still can't help but feel a bit broken up again. Every day this gets harder, every hour, every second, all I want is to be back home.