Heart Pounding

Sometimes I have this dream. Usually we are somewhere with a lot of people around, a theater or arcade or something and it's noisy and it's crowded and I've met you there. And you sit me down and tell me that you don't want me anymore, that I'm who you love anymore. And every time I have this dream, I wake up grasping for air, heart pounding, and horrified at the thought of that someday happening. What makes us know for sure that the person we love won't do that to us, what's holds to them really? A piece of paper, a wedding ring on our finger, a promise?

In this society of divorce and heartbreak, how do we ever really know for sure that we won't be left in that crowded place, heart pounding, trying to grasp for air when the one person you've loved your whole life doesn't want you anymore. My dream feels so real, so true and I wake up with a real and very unnatural heartache. And so I sit here in the middle of the night, heart pounding still and arms shaking as I write this. I have this dream often and I hate it, I hate this feeling, I hate waking up with no one here but me, no one to hold when I have these dreams. I hate knowing now I'll have to wait until morning to talk to him, knowing that my life here isn't really a life because he's not here with me. I hate the feeling of not being able to roll over into his arms and feel safe again.

I don't feel safe, I don't feel right here. I don't fit. It's getting harder and harder everyday. All my smiles are fake, all my laughs are for show and sometimes I don't know if I can keep up the charade.

So here I sit, in the middle of the night, with my heart pounding in my chest, wishing I was there, in my bed, able to roll right over and hold on to him to ride out the storm.