So much is possible in two tiny days. And in two days, we can become someone new, we can change a life, we can change our own lives. We can put up a Christmas tree, and take it down. We can see family, and we can break away. We can sit on our own, and we can sit with someone we love. We can get engaged, we can wonder where life is leading us, and we can wonder if everything will work out. We can wonder where the next few months will bring us, or we can wonder about the next few years, and even after that. I have no idea where I'll be next year, if I'll be married, or in another city. I have no idea where I'll be in five years, or in ten, and that is why life is so damn interesting and terrifying all at once.
I think so much we sit back and just wait for everything to work out, and we take the phrase, "if it's meant to be," too much to heart. I very much believe that phrase, yet I also believe that we must go out there and grab the things we want. I believe very much in expecting the best from everyone, whether or not they can achieve it, it makes a person work harder and become better if we have a goal in mind. I believe in chasing dreams, in not holding yourself back, whatever that may mean individually. I believe that sometimes life isn't so much about memories, but more about moments, in which you felt a certain way, an emotion that you hold on to, of how you felt, and what you felt, and why you felt it. My life has been very much that way, it has been a collection, not of memories, but rather of emotions that I felt at certain moments. It's about knowing how to say goodbyes and yet still being able to say hellos. It's about feeling like someone has just crushed your heart, and feeling like you are flying. Life is about the emotions, that's what makes us distinct, human. Without emotions, we are nothing, we aren't living.
I had a moment on Christmas, when the boy I love more than anything in the world, the young man that stole my heart at 18, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. There was a moment, when two distinct worlds flashed before me, a world with him, and a world without, and there was no question of my answer, never any doubt. There was a moment when I knew exactly how I felt and why I felt it. And I said yes, because my emotions spoke for me, knowing exactly what my heart wants.
I have so many emotions in my mind tonight and have been for the last few days, and I think that's good, at least for me, that's how I know I am feeling, living, loving. And as I look down at this stunning ring on my finger, I can't help but to imagine everything with him, every emotion, every moment, every memory. We have built this life, and we have seen each other through everything, and I know down the road, our wedding will be beautiful, our life memorable and perhaps one day I'll look back and read this and smile, remembering exactly how I felt, and exactly why I felt it, listening to music, next to my white Christmas tree, in this apartment in our city, at the end of December.
1 comment:
As stunned, happy, excited and loved as you were at that moment… I was equally, excited, loving, scared, nervous, happy, and amazed by you. You are the reason I am who I am and I think about how lucky I truly am. Thank you for allowing your emotions to talk. That was a perfect moment. I love you. Forever and always.
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