I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight and actually recently I've found myself battling a lot within myself. And in that time of reminiscing, I have realized a lot about myself, about who I have become, about the woman I am now. I am an incredibly complicated girl, someone that it might take a long time to get to know, but someone that is worth knowing. I am someone that is worth the effort, someone that is worth every second, every minute of the time that it takes to get to know someone. I have a lot of depth, and not much of that is available upon just meeting me.
I am a girl that is very proud of where I am from, and very defensive of the world I knew as a child. I have grown up in a way that is unique and different to most. That heritage, that experience as a child is a very important part of who I have become. I don't look kindly on those that would criticize or not accept that part of who I am. I also have a very broad knowledge of cultures and of countries elsewhere and I believe in the magic of language, of culture. I hope to learn as many languages as possible in my lifetimes, even if that's just snip-its of languages. As of right now, I can speak Spanish, a little Arabic, a little Korean and I'm working on my French. Languages fascinate me, the words we live our days by, in every country around the world, that's what matters to me. Words and culture and design... to me they are all one.
I am ambitious, I won't go lightly and I won't give anything less than all I have to give. My career is very important to me, and I love every single second of it. No matter what I'm doing, I love the versatility of the career I have chosen. I love that I can be drawing one day and meeting with clients the next, that I can make a space so much more than it was before, that I can transform something that no one else thought could be anything. I love having the ability to prove a point with my spaces, to change someones life, to get my ideas out there through a project and to promote what I believe to a client. My career, my field, is exactly the right fit for me and everyday I'm so glad that I chose this as a career and that I followed my heart.
My life is complicated, it always has been and it always will be - that's just me. I'm never going to be the girl that's always in one place, that never leaves, that is content to be in one place her whole life. I will always be all over the place, I will always be following my dreams and I will always be ambitious. I will always expect the most from everyone in my life, because I expect that from myself. I will always raise the bar and I will always go the extra mile, because that's who I am. I will always be complicated and emotional and independent. My greatest fear in the world is losing any of those traits, because that is at the very existence of my being, that is what defines me, and makes me believe in who I am, in where I'm going and what I'm going to do in this world.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A lot has changed... but I'm still here
A lot has changed in 5 years since I first wrote in this blog about who I was, what I wanted to be and where I was going. 5 years ago, I was just beginning my journey. I was young, naive, and unsure of where I was going. And here I am, I'm still here and I'm a little different, a little older and little wiser. Here is who I am; a lot has changed, but I'm still here, I'm still here.
So updated from the original: http://cmartpage.blogspot.com/2005/09/take-me-or-leave-me-part-1.html
Take me or leave me part 3... 2010:
1. I have found that my understanding of faith has changed, and sometimes sitting through mass is the only thing in my life that can sooth me.
2. I still need to be alone sometimes, I still need my space and I still need time to just be by myself.
3. I still love writing more than perhaps anything else, but I don't have as much time for it as I used to.
4. I don't need to live on diet coke anymore and I'm trying to kick the habit, at least cut back.
5. I found a love for Sex and the City... and whenever I need a little pick-me-up or a smile, that's where I go
6. I still love sunsets
7. I am extremely impatient, but I'm learning every day how to deal with that
8. Music still very much soothes me, all different kinds
9. I love to read when I have time, I wish I had more time to do it
10. I don't shop so much anymore, but every once in a while I will take a few hours to do it. I'm more into buying pieces that are classic, that last and that go with everything.
11. I have pretended to be things I'm not to please other people.
12. I have done things I wish I hadn't, but I've learned from all of those mistakes
13. There are memories that I find myself forgetting about, like dancing on a rooftop with a boy I barely knew.
14. I have seen more fabulous places around the world in the last 5 years, many of which I never thought I would.
15. I still consider my birthplace and childhood home in the Middle East a part of me, but it's a little less of a part of me than it used to be.
16. I can still count to 10 in Arabic, and also in French and Spanish. And I can say hello and thank you in Korean.
17. I still need to fall asleep to the TV or a movie
18. Black is no longer my favorite color, I'd have to say my favorite is pink now.
19. I still keep my nails always painted and the color will still tell you a lot about my mood.
20. I am still totally addicted to mentholatum, but not altoids anymore.
21. Little kids still drive me crazy... though I have warmed to a few in particular. Like my little nephew Preston :)
22. I don't want kids, I have come to that realization and I'm okay with it, and I'm more aware of how that comes across to people. But I think it's an important choice for everyone to make and it shouldn't be something you just do because you think you should.
23. I am much more confident in myself, in who I am and in what I can do. I'm not afraid to run with the men and to shine through.
24. I still love reading magazines, it's kind of an escape for me.
25. My aunt is no longer in my life and has hurt many people that I love very much in that process. And I have found that I no longer need her to go to when I need someone to listen.
25. I am still always cold, and increasingly so over the years. I think I have bad circulation.
26. I am constantly trying to be more open minded.
27. I miss my convertible very much.
28. I don't like talking on the phone unless it's with my grandma or my mom or Nick.
29. When I'm not talking, I'm constantly thinking.
30. I am getting married in the fall to someone that I can talk to, someone I can tell anything to, someone that loves me unconditionally and laughs with me
31. I still would do anything for my brother.
32. I'm always in the middle of everything, no matter what it is.
33. I'm really into gray right now... hence the new gray walls and gray windows and gray wedding theme.
34. When I'm really angry I will keep it to myself, most of the time
35. I'm afriad of being hurt or abandoned
36. I am not so afraid of goodbyes anymore, but I am beginning to crave change at certain points and then goodbyes become necessary.
37. I don't feel like I missed out on anything growing up. There is nothing that I didn't do that I wish I would have done. I feel like I lived the last 5 years to the fullest and I got to do everything I wanted to do.
38. I have reconciled with my father, and we are the closest now that we have ever been.
39. I am still very close with my grandma, but I have seen a new side of her as I have become an adult and it's a different relationship now than it was.
40. I still have multiple bedrooms, multiple apartments, but only one home.
41. I have come back to drinking coffee, though not as much as I used to. But a few times a week, a caramel machiato tastes amazing.
42. I could site and write for hours if I had the time.
43. I only like dark chocolate.
44. My hair constantly is still changing colors; it's my way of making a change without being drastic.
45. I went from everyone thinking I was older than I was, to now people thinking I'm in college still. I guess I'm just going to go with it.
46. I miss running.
47. I love talking to my mom and I'm so happy that she is so happy right now.
48. I have a lot of ambitions and those have changed a lot over the years.
49. I love learning about history, and I wish I could just learn everything.
50. I love languages, and in the next few years, I'd love to brush up on my spanish, learn French and perhaps Arabic.
51. I still love my Keds.
52. Rasberries are still one of my favorites.
53. I don't always wear jewelry anymore, just my ring.
54. I couldn't live without my iPod or my iPhone or my Macbook - Aurora, Seraphina and Pink and soon to add to the bunch are going to be Fiona and Bella (iMac and iPad)
55. I love the city and I couldn't ever go back to living in a smaller place. I have fallen in love with Portland all over again.
56. I love old houses, but I don't ever want one.
57. I like to cook but life is so hectic that most of the time I like going out to eat more.
58. I love my height and I wouldn't change it even if I could.
59. I still have a thing for Kobe... hence my love of the number 8.
60. I have found someone that knows everything about me and love me anyway.
Even though I'm still a lot the same, I have grown up a lot and I have added to who I used to be. Stay tuned for the update on Part 2...
So updated from the original: http://cmartpage.blogspot.com/2005/09/take-me-or-leave-me-part-1.html
Take me or leave me part 3... 2010:
1. I have found that my understanding of faith has changed, and sometimes sitting through mass is the only thing in my life that can sooth me.
2. I still need to be alone sometimes, I still need my space and I still need time to just be by myself.
3. I still love writing more than perhaps anything else, but I don't have as much time for it as I used to.
4. I don't need to live on diet coke anymore and I'm trying to kick the habit, at least cut back.
5. I found a love for Sex and the City... and whenever I need a little pick-me-up or a smile, that's where I go
6. I still love sunsets
7. I am extremely impatient, but I'm learning every day how to deal with that
8. Music still very much soothes me, all different kinds
9. I love to read when I have time, I wish I had more time to do it
10. I don't shop so much anymore, but every once in a while I will take a few hours to do it. I'm more into buying pieces that are classic, that last and that go with everything.
11. I have pretended to be things I'm not to please other people.
12. I have done things I wish I hadn't, but I've learned from all of those mistakes
13. There are memories that I find myself forgetting about, like dancing on a rooftop with a boy I barely knew.
14. I have seen more fabulous places around the world in the last 5 years, many of which I never thought I would.
15. I still consider my birthplace and childhood home in the Middle East a part of me, but it's a little less of a part of me than it used to be.
16. I can still count to 10 in Arabic, and also in French and Spanish. And I can say hello and thank you in Korean.
17. I still need to fall asleep to the TV or a movie
18. Black is no longer my favorite color, I'd have to say my favorite is pink now.
19. I still keep my nails always painted and the color will still tell you a lot about my mood.
20. I am still totally addicted to mentholatum, but not altoids anymore.
21. Little kids still drive me crazy... though I have warmed to a few in particular. Like my little nephew Preston :)
22. I don't want kids, I have come to that realization and I'm okay with it, and I'm more aware of how that comes across to people. But I think it's an important choice for everyone to make and it shouldn't be something you just do because you think you should.
23. I am much more confident in myself, in who I am and in what I can do. I'm not afraid to run with the men and to shine through.
24. I still love reading magazines, it's kind of an escape for me.
25. My aunt is no longer in my life and has hurt many people that I love very much in that process. And I have found that I no longer need her to go to when I need someone to listen.
25. I am still always cold, and increasingly so over the years. I think I have bad circulation.
26. I am constantly trying to be more open minded.
27. I miss my convertible very much.
28. I don't like talking on the phone unless it's with my grandma or my mom or Nick.
29. When I'm not talking, I'm constantly thinking.
30. I am getting married in the fall to someone that I can talk to, someone I can tell anything to, someone that loves me unconditionally and laughs with me
31. I still would do anything for my brother.
32. I'm always in the middle of everything, no matter what it is.
33. I'm really into gray right now... hence the new gray walls and gray windows and gray wedding theme.
34. When I'm really angry I will keep it to myself, most of the time
35. I'm afriad of being hurt or abandoned
36. I am not so afraid of goodbyes anymore, but I am beginning to crave change at certain points and then goodbyes become necessary.
37. I don't feel like I missed out on anything growing up. There is nothing that I didn't do that I wish I would have done. I feel like I lived the last 5 years to the fullest and I got to do everything I wanted to do.
38. I have reconciled with my father, and we are the closest now that we have ever been.
39. I am still very close with my grandma, but I have seen a new side of her as I have become an adult and it's a different relationship now than it was.
40. I still have multiple bedrooms, multiple apartments, but only one home.
41. I have come back to drinking coffee, though not as much as I used to. But a few times a week, a caramel machiato tastes amazing.
42. I could site and write for hours if I had the time.
43. I only like dark chocolate.
44. My hair constantly is still changing colors; it's my way of making a change without being drastic.
45. I went from everyone thinking I was older than I was, to now people thinking I'm in college still. I guess I'm just going to go with it.
46. I miss running.
47. I love talking to my mom and I'm so happy that she is so happy right now.
48. I have a lot of ambitions and those have changed a lot over the years.
49. I love learning about history, and I wish I could just learn everything.
50. I love languages, and in the next few years, I'd love to brush up on my spanish, learn French and perhaps Arabic.
51. I still love my Keds.
52. Rasberries are still one of my favorites.
53. I don't always wear jewelry anymore, just my ring.
54. I couldn't live without my iPod or my iPhone or my Macbook - Aurora, Seraphina and Pink and soon to add to the bunch are going to be Fiona and Bella (iMac and iPad)
55. I love the city and I couldn't ever go back to living in a smaller place. I have fallen in love with Portland all over again.
56. I love old houses, but I don't ever want one.
57. I like to cook but life is so hectic that most of the time I like going out to eat more.
58. I love my height and I wouldn't change it even if I could.
59. I still have a thing for Kobe... hence my love of the number 8.
60. I have found someone that knows everything about me and love me anyway.
Even though I'm still a lot the same, I have grown up a lot and I have added to who I used to be. Stay tuned for the update on Part 2...
Friday, March 19, 2010
Make the Most
I often wonder why I do all of this, and why I go through life like I do. What if tomorrow I was different, what if I decided to change paths? What would happen to this life if I was just gone tomorrow, in another time, another place? Would it change where I am now, would it change who I am, would it change those that I love and those that love me?
I am being pulled in so many directions right now, that often times I just wonder why I go through it all. I just want to come home at the end of the day, feel like I accomplished something and sit down at my table, looking out the window and write. I miss that. I miss the solitude. I miss the quiet. I miss the words, the writing.
Words have always been a way for me to get through the next moment in time, always a way to find peace. I haven't found much peach lately and I'm being pulled down by everything around me. I haven't had a moment in so long that I felt like was my own, that I could just sit and write, that I had nothing else pressing, nothing else that needed to be done. And I need that now, I need the quiet, the motion-less moments, with absolutely nothing but words, and thoughts and prayers and the sound of my breath.
I often wonder why I don't just give up what isn't important, Why I go through it all and get so weighted down. And I think I do it because it's who I am. But I still wonder, if tomorrow I was in another time, or another place, would it change everything here, would it change who I am, who you are, would it change those that I love and those that love me? Would it be the same as it always was without me here? Or am I stuck in this moment, in this life here in this place, in this time? But while we're here, we might as well make the most of it.
I am being pulled in so many directions right now, that often times I just wonder why I go through it all. I just want to come home at the end of the day, feel like I accomplished something and sit down at my table, looking out the window and write. I miss that. I miss the solitude. I miss the quiet. I miss the words, the writing.
Words have always been a way for me to get through the next moment in time, always a way to find peace. I haven't found much peach lately and I'm being pulled down by everything around me. I haven't had a moment in so long that I felt like was my own, that I could just sit and write, that I had nothing else pressing, nothing else that needed to be done. And I need that now, I need the quiet, the motion-less moments, with absolutely nothing but words, and thoughts and prayers and the sound of my breath.
I often wonder why I don't just give up what isn't important, Why I go through it all and get so weighted down. And I think I do it because it's who I am. But I still wonder, if tomorrow I was in another time, or another place, would it change everything here, would it change who I am, who you are, would it change those that I love and those that love me? Would it be the same as it always was without me here? Or am I stuck in this moment, in this life here in this place, in this time? But while we're here, we might as well make the most of it.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Defining
I saw a film this afternoon and I haven't quite been able to get the story and the meaning behind the story out of my mind since. There were so many emotions that I connected with that I am feeling in my own life, and so many moments when I really did feel like it brought me back to moments just a few years ago in my own life, of that college experience, of being lost, of being misunderstood by family and by finding someone that changed my life, that helped me to heal, that helped me to move on, that helped me to find out who I was.
I think that there are moments in our lives that we never quite forget, and for years and years afterwards, they are still ever present in our minds, yet maybe just a little hidden from view. We might have to dig them up to feel them again, or we might have to push ourselves to get to them, but they are there all the same. And these moments are events, both large and small, both affecting millions and affecting only ourselves, and moments both joyous and torturous. They are things like seeing the planes hit the twin towers on September 11th and while I might never be able to explain exactly how I felt in that moment, I can feel it exactly when I remember it. They are moments like that first kiss, or when you know you are falling in love with someone and you will never be the same. It's moments that you remember that feeling of fighting with a parent, of feeling unloved, or of feeling betrayed. They are emotions that you may never be able to explain to anyone, or even to yourself, but they are moments all the same that you will always remember how you felt, no matter where you go, what you do or how long you hide them away.
And through all these moments in our lives, we must find a way to feel them, to experience them and then to move on. We must fill our hearts with all of these and then file them away and wake up tomorrow, knowing that we can always still find them, but that we must begin again and take the next step forward. I'll never forget how I felt that morning of September 11th, 2001 or the first moment that I knew I was falling in love with Nick, or that fight with my dad in the Summer of 2005 when I left home. There are things in our lives that affect us all, things that pull us apart and things that put us back together. It's how we handle them, how we move on, how we do all we can in the wake of them that matters. It's how we take that next step that defines us as who we are and we we can be.
I think that there are moments in our lives that we never quite forget, and for years and years afterwards, they are still ever present in our minds, yet maybe just a little hidden from view. We might have to dig them up to feel them again, or we might have to push ourselves to get to them, but they are there all the same. And these moments are events, both large and small, both affecting millions and affecting only ourselves, and moments both joyous and torturous. They are things like seeing the planes hit the twin towers on September 11th and while I might never be able to explain exactly how I felt in that moment, I can feel it exactly when I remember it. They are moments like that first kiss, or when you know you are falling in love with someone and you will never be the same. It's moments that you remember that feeling of fighting with a parent, of feeling unloved, or of feeling betrayed. They are emotions that you may never be able to explain to anyone, or even to yourself, but they are moments all the same that you will always remember how you felt, no matter where you go, what you do or how long you hide them away.
And through all these moments in our lives, we must find a way to feel them, to experience them and then to move on. We must fill our hearts with all of these and then file them away and wake up tomorrow, knowing that we can always still find them, but that we must begin again and take the next step forward. I'll never forget how I felt that morning of September 11th, 2001 or the first moment that I knew I was falling in love with Nick, or that fight with my dad in the Summer of 2005 when I left home. There are things in our lives that affect us all, things that pull us apart and things that put us back together. It's how we handle them, how we move on, how we do all we can in the wake of them that matters. It's how we take that next step that defines us as who we are and we we can be.
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