Always

Tonight is the last night I will sit here, the last sunset that I will watch from this balcony, the last night in this little blank apartment. The last night I will see this view, the last night that I will sit here in this chair and write. I've been thinking about so much lately, so much about the next few months, about where I'll be, what I'll be doing. It seems that so much is changing, so much of who I am is changing and so much of my future is uncertain. This apartment has been my life for a year, it's seen tears, so many many tears, it's heard my cries and screams in times of pain, it's seen broken hearts and it's seen reunions. It has witnessed the transformation of me, from college student to full time designer and has been the place that I sat night after night, watching the sunsets and looking out over the ocean wishing I was somewhere else.

I have to pack up and leave tomorrow, leave this little blank apartment that was where I thought all my dreams would come true. This little apartment that seemed so meant to be, this little apartment that I have grown up in. I'll never fly over Honolulu again in my life without looking for my building on the skyline and I won't every drive down Kalakaua without looking up to see it, red teak shutters and balconies. Whenever I stand in the parking lot at Macy's at Ala Moana, I'll glance up and smile at it, knowing that this apartment changed my life in more ways than one. When I moved in here, I thought I was here for good, I thought that my life was meant to move away from Portland, that I had arrived at the dream job, in the dream city, in the dream apartment with my dream balcony. Little did I know that my dream really wasn't this at all, but a stop along the way to get to the real dream I had left back across the ocean. This apartment, as did my old apartment at Ione, will always have a special place in my heart and I will drive by and smile, and remember living here, smiling here, crying here.

I am not just packing up my things, but packing up memories, packing up moments that happened here, moments that I'll never forget, both good and bad and moments that taught me very important lessons, lessons that I wouldn't have learned anywhere else or any other way. I will never regret being here, or taking this job or having these experiences. I don't regret the hours of tears over the last year in this apartment, or the moments when I really just wanted to jump on the next plane to get out of here and sometimes when I did do that. I will never forget sitting at my desk here by the window and looking out that night last October, when I had to get out of here, when I booked that red eye ticket spur of the moment, threw some clothes in a bag and headed for the airport. Or when I sat at my little table and just sobbed on the phone. There were also moments here that were the first of my life, like the morning packing up my pink suticase to head to Korea the first time, so excited, so nervous, so ready. Or when I bought my furniture all on my own or when I'd stand on the balcony at 6 in the morning and watch the sun rise or the night that I cooked dinner for my parents.

This apartment has also been filled with very lonely nights and very long days. It has been comfort and security and it has been mine, just mine for a year. I'll never forget this view or the feeling I get from sitting here with the door open, with the evening air surrounding me. This is the moment of the day that I love Hawaii, that evening in which the sky turns a little bit pink and the clouds move a little faster across the sky. This is the moment that I lived for here, that I loved this apartment for, this moment, sitting in this chair, next to these windows and this open door. This is the moment that got me through the past year, that gave me hope. This moment every night, that felt real, that finally felt a little bit like me after a day of feeling out of place.

Hawaii has been an adventure for me, a mixed bag for sure of both amazing moments and horrible ones. But it's also been a year full of lessons, both hard and great. I will miss this apartment and I will miss sitting here, writing, feeling. I will miss feeling and knowing like it's all mine. I will miss the feeling of sitting here, with the evening breeze blowing my curtains just a little and feeling the evening brush against my skin. So goodbye to an apartment that played a huge role in my life and that I will remember always.

Embrace

I know what it means to say goodbye and it seems sometimes that my life has been full of goodbyes. I said my first goodbyes when I was a little girl and boarded those planes not knowing when I'd see all those people in my life again. Goodbyes became for me, a part of my life, a part of growing up, a part of being alive. I have been saying goodbyes, real and forever goodbyes for a long time, and even through all this year, saying goodbye to Nick every time I fly away, and it has never gotten better. But I do believe that goodbyes have a real purpose, that we must say them to grow, that being able to change, being able to be apart and grow on your own and be able to say the goodbyes, that makes us stronger.

I am a big believer in change; I am the kind of person that needs it, that craves it, that grows restless after a while of the same thing. Sometimes I think that when people don't change, when things stay exactly as they are, that that is when we lose sight of that humanity, we lose out on things that could be learned, and we miss out on who we could become. I find it sad when people won't change anything, when their lives go on exactly the same, when their beliefs never evolved, when the lives just go on for 20 years in the same way they always have. Where can you grow in that, or find out new things about the world? Where do you find those ideas about who you are, or find out that there is more to the world than just in your back yard?

I'd like to think that humanity can grow, that we can change and evolve and make ourselves and our world better. I need to believe that, I need to see that because if that's not true, then what purpose is there for us to be here, what purpose do we have as a society, a nation, a country? We are here to make ourselves better, our world better and to make a difference. And if saying goodbyes and enduring and embracing change is how we learn and grow to be able to make that happen, then I will endure it, I will embrace it.

Watch Me Fly

I've been thinking a lot lately about everything that's changing in my life and how much change has already happened this year. My life has kind of grown up for real this year and it seems like with so much happening I am finally finding out my true passions, my new goals and dreams. 2010 is going to be a year I look back and remember as being challenging and rewarding, memory making and dream fulfilling. This is the year that I will look back and say that I got engaged, got married and fully committed myself to the young man I love more than anything, my first love and my last, a boy that I went through everything with, not without challenge or obstacle but made it through, happier and healthier. This was the year that I bought my first apartment, that I owned a property and that I ran my first design projects. This is the year that I possibly started my own business, that I went off on my own and chased that dream that I never thought I'd have. This is the year I'll have gone to Paris and London with the boy I always wanted to go with.

This year I'll stand under the Eiffel Tower again after waiting so long and smile because I think that people change, and this year, I am changing day by day, getting stronger and stronger, getting smarter and wiser, and I am finding out each and every day how much I can do, how much I believe in how things should be different, how my dreams are changing right before me as I grow and how I have new goals, new dreams, new ideas I never thought I would have. I am growing up this year, making it on my own,

I will miss this place, I will miss this balcony and my view looking down upon Honolulu, but this is just one more step forward for all those things I want to accomplish. It's one more step toward the ultimate goal, one more step toward those dreams and it's a memory that I'll always keep, a memory both good and bad, a place that taught me so much, a place that taught me about how the world really is and how much we need to fight to change it. This place is not for me, but it will always have a soft spot in my heart no matter how much I want to go home, there is something about this place that taught me so much and gave me things I couldn't have gotten anywhere else.

I'm a huge believer that things happen for a reason and I see those reasons everyday here. I know I was meant to come here, that I was meant to have this experience, to work here for this exact firm, to learn what I did. I wouldn't have gotten this experience anywhere else. I've learned that the world is waiting for me, that I am just beginning to do what I know I can and that I can make a difference because I have made a difference here, however insignificant, I can see a change here, I can see a shift.

I know that the world has so much for me yet, and I know exactly who I am and what I want to do. So in this year of change, in this moment in my life where everything is converging, here I go, get ready and watch me fly.

For Good

I am lonely tonight, I am anxious and wishing I was home. This is getting so wearing, taking so much out of me, out of us. I miss everything and when I'm home, I only miss it more and want to stay. Yesterday on that plane flight home, I just wanted so badly to get off and be home, not here yet again. I am praying every day, hoping that all of this will work out how I hope, that I'll get to go home sooner, that it will all work out.

I miss the world have there, I miss the evenings just being with you, laying in bed as you hold me, listening to the rain outside. I miss cooking dinners, and making breakfasts on the weekends. I miss the moments, the laughs, the weekends running errands. I miss watching our shows and walking downtown with you. I miss the sunsets and the evenings in the pearl and gelato.

When I finally get home, I just want to experience all of that for good, enjoy the comfort of being home. I can't wait for that, for the comfort, for good.

This Hole

I wonder sometimes if all this going through my head is what other girls are feeling, what other young women are feeling. Is it just me that is hurt by comments about other girls no matter how the person meant it, or when something is truly very hurtful and no one seems to care how much or how deep it cut you. Here I am packing up my life again, here I am wondering if I'll ever be really happy, if I'll ever find that world that I want so badly to believe exists, to find that person that I want so badly to believe exists. Sometimes I wonder if this world and the people in it will ever live up to my expectations, if anything will ever fulfill what I think and believe is possible.

So much of my life has been about breaking boundaries, about a different path and in that I have experienced so much disappointment, so much let down, so much heartbreak. And yet I have hope that someday this world will find its way, that those in my life will amaze me someday and that someday, I will go for a year, or two or ten knowing I still can have hope and believe. I'm not there yet though, and I have a long way to go. And day by day, I am losing my faith, I'm losing my faith in my spirituality, in myself, in those closest to me, and in the life I always thought I believed in. I can't seem to find my way again and every time I get excited about something, every time I think I might pull myself out of this hole, someone else just pushes me back in.

Tragic

I often wonder what I'll do in the face of a great tragedy, when someone close to me is gone forever. I really don't know how I'll do it, how I'll make it. I've never really had to face that obstacle, that moment when you know you'll never see them again, or talk to them again or laugh with them again. I'd like to think that I'll be strong, that I'll make it through the other end of that grief but I don't know anything about how to do it or what I'll do.

Humans are so strong, stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Generations after generations have lost those they loved and have dealt with and it moved on. It scares me sometimes that I won't be ready for it and something will happen, that I won't know what to do or what to feel or how to move on. It scares me that I'll be lost, that life will stop and I won't know when or where to begin again.

We must all face it inevitably, though that doesn't make it any less tragic or any less dreadful, it just makes it more ironic.

Hoping

I think sometimes what we dream as we sleep are meant to give us hope. It's those dreams that show you the place you love, or being with someone you haven't spent time with in a long time that really bring you to that place in your heart and mind when you feel whole, when all the pieces fit. I'm at a point in my life where so many around me are changing, people's lives are changing so quickly and sometimes I feel like maybe we should just all slow down, maybe we should just hold off on the babies and the rushed weddings. Maybe our lives aren't supposed to go this fast, maybe we're meant to prolong the journey, maybe life isn't about the race we make it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about home, about the simplicity of just being able to be home, to just know, that there is no where else I'd rather be. My goal when I get home, is to just enjoy it, to enjoy every moment of my city, to watch the summer turn into fall moment by moment, and the fall turn into winter. I want to walk around the pearl with my love in the late evenings of summer, eating gelato and just seeing the evening turn into night. I want to eat on the sidewalks and write by the river at my spot.

I want my life, I want to hope and dream. I want to know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, I get to go home and smile, because he'll be there, and I'll be there and I'll know there is hope.

Finally Home

I understood a little Korean today as the man at Palama market spoke to his customer in his native tongue, and I felt a little like saying "kamsa hamnida" to him instead of thank you before I left. And I drove all over the island today, I spent the day with family. But still, none of it matters as much to me as being at home. I know everyone is tired of hearing me talk about wanting to be home, and I know they all think that here I am in such a good situation that I should just enjoy it while it lasts and believe me, I am. I am savoring the moments alone, and I am admiring the view every day, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be home. That doesn't mean that I can't wish I was home or look forward to being there. That doesn't mean that home is any farther away.

Sometimes you just need comfort, sometimes packing up and moving is just too exciting. And something in me craves that process, something in me is so excited for a move back home, to pick up and move, and to know that I am moving home, for good, not for a few months, not for a few weeks, but to be there to stay and while I might be on planes still, it will be different, I will always be going home, really going home.

I love knowing that I will be home soon, I love the boxes sitting in my apartment, knowing that soon they will be filled, knowing that soon I will be moving, knowing that in just a few short months, I will be home, finally home.

The Boy I love and the City that means Everything

I've sat here, a few steps away from my balcony a hundred times. I've looked out at this view for a year. And every time I've felt something different, the breeze blowing my hair around my face, and the few sprinkles of rain that scatter in to land on my skin. The lights going on one by one in the buildings around me as the darkness falls on the city; I have a hard time calling this place a city actually, it seems more like a town that outgrew itself, a town that doesn't make sense, a town split between tourist and local, a town that never quite got anything right. This place tugs at me lately, driving me crazy, because all I want to do is to be on that plane for the last time, headed home for good. It seems so much harder this time knowing there is an endpoint, because all I want is for the end point to be here, now. Everything is frustrating me, everything annoying, bothersome. And every time I have a good feeling, or if it's a beautiful morning or a lovely evening, something seems to nag at me in my head.

I dream about lying next to him, as the real rain falls outside the window. I dream of the river, of the smell of the northwest, of the green, of the gray. I dream of spending Friday nights at home, and dinners out with friends. I dream of the normalcy that I love so much, the comfort of home and not spending 10 hours every two weeks on air planes. I dream of wearing this ring, and having him wear his, of weekends just to relax and spend time together. I dream of lunches out, and eating at our favorite places. I dream of seeing the seasons change into each other and the bustle of the city. I dream of my city, my home, my love.

This place could never measure up to home, and it could never win over the place that might not have beaches or surfing or palm trees, but that has so much more. I think that those of us from the Northwest have a special place in our hearts for the place we call home, the place that is so beautiful in its own right, maybe more beautiful than anywhere else.

I know I have a lot more adventures ahead of me, but I want him by my side for all of them. A year ago, I might have wanted something different, or maybe I wasn't so sure of exactly what I wanted. But this year it is entirely different, I am entirely different. There is something inside of me that is changed, something that I know for sure now, something that I used to doubt. I want to go home, no matter what that means, job or not, I know that I can still accomplish anything I want to, and I can do it at home with the boy I love and the city that means everything.

Christmas in May

This rain is making me wish it was Christmas and so this morning I am listening to my Christmas music. Christmas is a time of year that makes me so happy, the spirit, the reason, the traditions and I can't help but look even more forward to Christmas this year because Nick and I will be married, we'll be home, in our home, all our own. We'll continue our own traditions and it will be a new beginning to our lives, finally together again. I'll get to experience the fall this year and the rain and thanksgiving being at home and I'll be there for the snow, for the beautiful gray days and for the holiday shopping. I'll be there for the christmas lights downtown and for the festivities. I may even have a Christmas party this year.

I may have 7 months to go, but I can't help but hope that time flies by because for me, this year everything seems so magical as it really is a new beginning when I get home for good. It's a new beginning for us, for me and for our lives as for so long I've been putting all this off, for so long I haven't been able to be home for all the moments, for so long I've missed the seasons and the city that makes all this so magical. So here I am, 12 weeks away from being home, maybe sooner. I guess that's not that long, I guess I can do it. I guess I can push through and while I do, I'll listen to this Christmas music that makes me feel like home and makes me feel so magical.