This Hole

I wonder sometimes if all this going through my head is what other girls are feeling, what other young women are feeling. Is it just me that is hurt by comments about other girls no matter how the person meant it, or when something is truly very hurtful and no one seems to care how much or how deep it cut you. Here I am packing up my life again, here I am wondering if I'll ever be really happy, if I'll ever find that world that I want so badly to believe exists, to find that person that I want so badly to believe exists. Sometimes I wonder if this world and the people in it will ever live up to my expectations, if anything will ever fulfill what I think and believe is possible.

So much of my life has been about breaking boundaries, about a different path and in that I have experienced so much disappointment, so much let down, so much heartbreak. And yet I have hope that someday this world will find its way, that those in my life will amaze me someday and that someday, I will go for a year, or two or ten knowing I still can have hope and believe. I'm not there yet though, and I have a long way to go. And day by day, I am losing my faith, I'm losing my faith in my spirituality, in myself, in those closest to me, and in the life I always thought I believed in. I can't seem to find my way again and every time I get excited about something, every time I think I might pull myself out of this hole, someone else just pushes me back in.