Sitting here looking out my window, in my very own apartment, in my city, in a place that makes me feel the most like me, I still can't tug at the nagging feeling in my head, the feeling of instability. The sun is shining and the sky is blue and the trees are so green, and this is home, this is my heart, this is my soul so why don't I feel it? Why don't I stop all the stuff going on in my head?
Maybe it's because big change is coming and I can start to feel it, maybe it's because I'm still not sure what I want, and maybe it's because I'm just a little lost about all the big things.
Maybe I'm just me, and maybe this is just how I'm always going to be... maybe this is what I am, and who am I to argue with that?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Fabulous World
Another long day, another evening alone, another night about to fall, another day passing, another day done. Contemplative tonight, I'm wondering about the answers to questions that I've never gotten in my life, about feelings that were never made known, moments that were never made to the most, goodbyes that never got to be said. What happens to all those moments that just get lost in the span of our lives, missed opportunities, missed loves, missed friendships that could have all been something if we would have made them into something, if we had given them time? What happens to the shuffle of moments, of people, of places? Do the relationships in our lives only exist because we gave them time to exist, because we made them into something, would all those other moments, feelings, connections have been something too if we had gone after them?
There are only so many hours in a day, and that is never enough, to live and to love and to grow and dream. There is never enough time to do all that we want to, never enough time to follow our hearts to their full extent. I guess that's the cruel beauty of life and of love, is that we can never do as much as we have the capability to.
I wonder where I would be today if I had followed my heart in a different direction at each intersection that I came to, not that I am unhappy with where I am at all, but just curious, about what might have happened, who I would have met, where I would've been, who I would've been if I had followed different dreams or different emotions. I wonder what would have come from all those emotions, all the moments that never got made into anything. All those questions that never got answered, all those feeling never made known, all those days chosen to spend a different way. But I guess that life for me is all about living your path to the best you can, following your heart where you can and loving with all that you can... I guess that that will be good enough in the long run, and the people that we did meet, the people that did become a part of our lives, the places, the moments, the feelings that we did experience, they mold who we are and for me, those in my life, those I have met, those I have loved, those places that have meant something to me, that has molded me into who I am, and I am so thankful and so blessed for being who I am, and for being shaped by this fabulous world.
There are only so many hours in a day, and that is never enough, to live and to love and to grow and dream. There is never enough time to do all that we want to, never enough time to follow our hearts to their full extent. I guess that's the cruel beauty of life and of love, is that we can never do as much as we have the capability to.
I wonder where I would be today if I had followed my heart in a different direction at each intersection that I came to, not that I am unhappy with where I am at all, but just curious, about what might have happened, who I would have met, where I would've been, who I would've been if I had followed different dreams or different emotions. I wonder what would have come from all those emotions, all the moments that never got made into anything. All those questions that never got answered, all those feeling never made known, all those days chosen to spend a different way. But I guess that life for me is all about living your path to the best you can, following your heart where you can and loving with all that you can... I guess that that will be good enough in the long run, and the people that we did meet, the people that did become a part of our lives, the places, the moments, the feelings that we did experience, they mold who we are and for me, those in my life, those I have met, those I have loved, those places that have meant something to me, that has molded me into who I am, and I am so thankful and so blessed for being who I am, and for being shaped by this fabulous world.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Stay
I've never been a girl that was satisfied with an ordinary life, or that dreamed of weddings and kids and white picket fences. I've never wanted to be the typical wife, and I've always needed my own space and my own time. And so when I met you, nothing changed except that all of my dreams, all of my ambitions, suddenly involved someone else. I have spent a year chasing those dreams, following my heart and experiencing the world and here we are on the eve of being so close to being done with the constant airplanes and red eye flights and short weekends together, and all I want to do is to know that when Sunday comes around, I can just stay and not have to return.
I sit here alone again tonight, after working late, after three weeks of non-stop, missing home, missing you. This gets harder everyday, every second. It's exhausting. I thought for a while that I didn't need you, that I didn't need what we had, that I would be fine on my own... and I would be fine, but that's all, just fine. I am better with you, more alive, more me. And I've gotten to the point where a phone call will have to do, and even after weeks and weeks of not seeing you, you're always there in my mind. I am going round the clock, working crazy and never stopping for a moment, and still I see you, I see us.
So sometime very soon, I will wake up on that Sunday morning and roll over and smile, because I will know that there will be no flight that day, there will be no leaving and I will just be able to stay.
I sit here alone again tonight, after working late, after three weeks of non-stop, missing home, missing you. This gets harder everyday, every second. It's exhausting. I thought for a while that I didn't need you, that I didn't need what we had, that I would be fine on my own... and I would be fine, but that's all, just fine. I am better with you, more alive, more me. And I've gotten to the point where a phone call will have to do, and even after weeks and weeks of not seeing you, you're always there in my mind. I am going round the clock, working crazy and never stopping for a moment, and still I see you, I see us.
So sometime very soon, I will wake up on that Sunday morning and roll over and smile, because I will know that there will be no flight that day, there will be no leaving and I will just be able to stay.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Another Life
Do you ever wonder where you lived or who you loved in another life? I think about that sometimes, and I think that people sometimes miss their moments, that sometimes perhaps they were meant for another life, and even though you are connected to them, that connection will carry through to another world, another life. Life moves on and we forget them, but they are forever connected to us in some emotional way, and in some other world we would have lived differently. In another world, we might be poets, or artists, and reside on the shores of Italy or in the jungles of the amazon. In another life, maybe it's more romantic than this one, maybe it's more of a dream world, maybe it's more inspiring.
I've met people in this life that I think I could have been close to in a different world, and things in this life that have faded, seem so bright in the light of another life. Maybe we get to redo it in another world someday, maybe that's what Heaven is, it's making right all the things missed here in life, maybe it's more romantic, maybe it's getting to be with those people and places that we never could quite connect to here. Maybe my Heaven will be on the shores of Italy or under the Arc de triumphe, maybe I'll be French or Italian, and maybe I'll just be me, no nationality, just human, living and loving passionately and writing... I think that's what was meant for me in another life.
I've met people in this life that I think I could have been close to in a different world, and things in this life that have faded, seem so bright in the light of another life. Maybe we get to redo it in another world someday, maybe that's what Heaven is, it's making right all the things missed here in life, maybe it's more romantic, maybe it's getting to be with those people and places that we never could quite connect to here. Maybe my Heaven will be on the shores of Italy or under the Arc de triumphe, maybe I'll be French or Italian, and maybe I'll just be me, no nationality, just human, living and loving passionately and writing... I think that's what was meant for me in another life.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Looking
As the evening falls, I wish it were raining. I wish it were pouring, rain drops large and beautiful smashing into the ground. I miss that, I miss the hard rain, the sound it makes and the smell it leaves. I am not feeling very much like myself tonight and with so little time left here, all I want to do is speed it up. As soon as we have an end in sight, why is it that it seems like it takes forever to get here?
I'm feeling so uninspired as of late and little bit afraid of what is ahead. I wonder if I'll always be this way, if I'll always have my doubts in everything, if I'll find a way to keep myself always inspired?
This blog is a chronicle of my life and sometimes when I'm in moods like this, I will go back to this month a few years ago and see how I felt then... sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. But nonetheless, it reminds me of an easier time and a time when I was figuring out life as I went.
I don't know if I'll ever find what missing in my heart, or if one day, I'll just realize that it's easier to stop searching. I hope someday it clicks, that someday I feel whole, that whatever is missing inside of me will finally come to light. I hope someday I look back on this blog post and will have finally found whatever it is that I'm looking for.
I'm feeling so uninspired as of late and little bit afraid of what is ahead. I wonder if I'll always be this way, if I'll always have my doubts in everything, if I'll find a way to keep myself always inspired?
This blog is a chronicle of my life and sometimes when I'm in moods like this, I will go back to this month a few years ago and see how I felt then... sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. But nonetheless, it reminds me of an easier time and a time when I was figuring out life as I went.
I don't know if I'll ever find what missing in my heart, or if one day, I'll just realize that it's easier to stop searching. I hope someday it clicks, that someday I feel whole, that whatever is missing inside of me will finally come to light. I hope someday I look back on this blog post and will have finally found whatever it is that I'm looking for.
Friday, June 18, 2010
There You'll Be
Sitting here tonight, I'm feeling a little homesick, a little nostalgic and a little bit just exhausted after crazy and emotional week. I want so badly right now for it to be October, to be walking down the beautiful autumn filled roads in Portland, or getting caught in a downpour and just smiling because the rain always makes me feel a little more like myself than usual. I miss the midnight whispers lying in our apartment, and riverfront on a cloudy day in the middle of the winter, sitting there on my bench, gloves, scarf and just writing, soothing my soul. My heart is there, it always has been. I've seen a lot of places in this world, and I've lived all over it, but only one place has ever really been home... with you.
I know that the path hasn't been easy. I know that I have needed time and that I have needed things a little different than most girls that I know, but it's just who I am, and you have loved me anyways. I have loved others, but never like I've loved you. As I fall asleep here alone on this island in the middle of the ocean, I will fall asleep remembering what it felt like to hear you whisper goodnight, and to know that in the morning, there you'll be, forever.
I know that the path hasn't been easy. I know that I have needed time and that I have needed things a little different than most girls that I know, but it's just who I am, and you have loved me anyways. I have loved others, but never like I've loved you. As I fall asleep here alone on this island in the middle of the ocean, I will fall asleep remembering what it felt like to hear you whisper goodnight, and to know that in the morning, there you'll be, forever.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Better Than We Were
Sometimes our lives shift in ways that we never thought they would. And a decision that we made for such different reasons, turns out to be exactly what we needed. I have lived my whole life believing in the saying that "things happen for a reason," but I never really saw how clearly that is true until this last year. And in one year to the day that I started my life here, I have gotten everything that I wished for, just not in the way I thought I'd experience it. I have traveled, seen places that were new and intriguing, I have met people that changed my life and I have truly found in my heart where home really is.
I have grown up, and I am not afraid of who I am or what I stand for. I have learned that life is not at all fair, and that faith can be shaken. I have taken time to myself and I have loved, and I have found that in the end, knowing that you have someone, no matter where in the world they are, to love you for who you are, that is really what matters at the end of the day. That won't stop me from chasing my dreams and for going after what I want and who I want to be, but I have someone that will support me in that chase and people in my life that know that I won't ever stop until I get there.
I think so often that forget to take a step back and see where we've come from, in a year, or in 10. It's so important to see the journey and to see how we got there and who we met along the way. And when we look back, hopefully we can smile, and laugh and cry and feel all those emotions that make us human, that make us who we are. And at the end of the day, if we've chased one dream or fulfilled one goal or loved someone with all our heart, then our journey has progressed and we are better off than we were.
I have grown up, and I am not afraid of who I am or what I stand for. I have learned that life is not at all fair, and that faith can be shaken. I have taken time to myself and I have loved, and I have found that in the end, knowing that you have someone, no matter where in the world they are, to love you for who you are, that is really what matters at the end of the day. That won't stop me from chasing my dreams and for going after what I want and who I want to be, but I have someone that will support me in that chase and people in my life that know that I won't ever stop until I get there.
I think so often that forget to take a step back and see where we've come from, in a year, or in 10. It's so important to see the journey and to see how we got there and who we met along the way. And when we look back, hopefully we can smile, and laugh and cry and feel all those emotions that make us human, that make us who we are. And at the end of the day, if we've chased one dream or fulfilled one goal or loved someone with all our heart, then our journey has progressed and we are better off than we were.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Have Faith
I am sitting here, unable to sleep from jetlag, thinking about love. I've been thinking a lot lately about what I am going to be embracing soon in my life, and how it will all affect me and my life and my dreams and my goals. I don't know where I'll be in a year, or ten, but I am realizing tonight as I think that we have to be willing to hold on to what we love. We have to have faith, we have to hold on to what we love and love those people for who they are and how much they love us.
Love isn't about the future, it's about the memories and the moments right now, it's about loving someone with all you have, whether they are miles away, or right next to you fast asleep. You have to love them whether it's been 5 months since you've seen them or just a few minutes ago. We have to follow our hearts and just love, unconditionally and with our full hearts, otherwise, we are missing out on such pure human emotions.
I have found that you can love people differently, and on different levels. But in the end, as long as the people that you love know that you loved them, even if just a little, it will make a difference. As long as you keep yourself true to who you are, and follow your heart, and love with all you have, love will always pull through and it will always save you.
So to those out there that you love, and those that you might have loved, show them your whole heart, hold nothing back and be who you are. Have faith in love, in your heart and in what you hold dear. Have faith...
Love isn't about the future, it's about the memories and the moments right now, it's about loving someone with all you have, whether they are miles away, or right next to you fast asleep. You have to love them whether it's been 5 months since you've seen them or just a few minutes ago. We have to follow our hearts and just love, unconditionally and with our full hearts, otherwise, we are missing out on such pure human emotions.
I have found that you can love people differently, and on different levels. But in the end, as long as the people that you love know that you loved them, even if just a little, it will make a difference. As long as you keep yourself true to who you are, and follow your heart, and love with all you have, love will always pull through and it will always save you.
So to those out there that you love, and those that you might have loved, show them your whole heart, hold nothing back and be who you are. Have faith in love, in your heart and in what you hold dear. Have faith...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Embrace It With Me
I don't know quite how to write what I feel tonight but I feel like writing so here I am, trying to get it out. I am exhausted today, physically and emotionally after this week. I've been thinking a lot about where I am and the future that I've created for myself. I'm scared. I'm unsure of the choices I'm making and I feel so unlike myself right now. Maybe it's being here in Hawaii, maybe it's because I haven't been home for a long time, maybe it's because Korea was so inspiring this week, maybe it's because I feel like that's the life I might have had if I had made different choices. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm giving up part of myself and maybe it's because I'm scared that I'm going to lose all the things that I love most about myself. I'm scared, just scared.
What happens to me down the road when I can't chase the life I always wanted, what happens if I realize that I made a mistake, what happens if I get to that point and I look back and I'm stuck in the life that I never wanted? I'm scared that I'll never get to be the person I was meant to be, living in exotic places, experiencing the world, meeting new people, designing how I want to and where I want to. I want to have the drive to just jump on the next plane and be in Korea in the morning, or Paris, or Morocco or wherever when I need to get away.
I thought that I had given up this part of me, that I had let it go, the need to be just myself. I don't feel much like myself lately, and I feel like I am having to be a different version of who I am. And in Korea, it was the first time in a long time that I got to really feel real, that I felt like I was understood and that I felt like I belonged somewhere. I've been drifting back and forth for so long and I'm feeling lost, like I have no where to belong and that I am denying myself something that is just a part of who I am inside.
I need someone to believe that who I am is still there, that I'm not giving it up for something I never wanted. I need to find myself in this next step and I need those that love me to love me for who I am, all of me and to understand that I am going to be different than most girls, that my life will never be one that they understand but they can love me nonetheless. I feel like no one really understands that anymore and I am feeling so backed into a corner, that this is the life that I have to live and there are no other options... I need those options, I need to know that they are open to me. I can't live my whole life in a box, knowing exactly what is going to happen, knowing that there are no other dreams to chase.
I am scared, scared of losing myself, scared of giving it up and scared of losing who I am, because that is the one thing I've always loved about myself, that I've always embraced, that I am different, that I will not lead the ordinary life, that I will not just follow the path laid out for me, that I will make my own. I need to know that those that love me, can love that about me and embrace it with me.
What happens to me down the road when I can't chase the life I always wanted, what happens if I realize that I made a mistake, what happens if I get to that point and I look back and I'm stuck in the life that I never wanted? I'm scared that I'll never get to be the person I was meant to be, living in exotic places, experiencing the world, meeting new people, designing how I want to and where I want to. I want to have the drive to just jump on the next plane and be in Korea in the morning, or Paris, or Morocco or wherever when I need to get away.
I thought that I had given up this part of me, that I had let it go, the need to be just myself. I don't feel much like myself lately, and I feel like I am having to be a different version of who I am. And in Korea, it was the first time in a long time that I got to really feel real, that I felt like I was understood and that I felt like I belonged somewhere. I've been drifting back and forth for so long and I'm feeling lost, like I have no where to belong and that I am denying myself something that is just a part of who I am inside.
I need someone to believe that who I am is still there, that I'm not giving it up for something I never wanted. I need to find myself in this next step and I need those that love me to love me for who I am, all of me and to understand that I am going to be different than most girls, that my life will never be one that they understand but they can love me nonetheless. I feel like no one really understands that anymore and I am feeling so backed into a corner, that this is the life that I have to live and there are no other options... I need those options, I need to know that they are open to me. I can't live my whole life in a box, knowing exactly what is going to happen, knowing that there are no other dreams to chase.
I am scared, scared of losing myself, scared of giving it up and scared of losing who I am, because that is the one thing I've always loved about myself, that I've always embraced, that I am different, that I will not lead the ordinary life, that I will not just follow the path laid out for me, that I will make my own. I need to know that those that love me, can love that about me and embrace it with me.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Seoul will be in my soul
I sit here tonight overlooking this beautiful city of Seoul. It always blows me away here how much I connect to it here, how much this city means to me now that I have experienced it. Every time I come here, I feel like I can't believe I never came here before. I think that one of the reasons that I connect to this city and that it inspires me so much, is that here I am completely just on my own, this is my city, no one else in my life can understand my experiences here, and it's somewhere that I have just for me, some place on this earth that I have been, that I have worked and that I have experienced all to my self. It's also a place where many important moments and thoughts have happened in the last year of my tumultuous year. I am free here, free to live this live, to walk the endless streets and not know what I'll find. I am totally free of connection to my life and I am totally on my own, but still amongst the beautiful Korean people that I have come to adore.
I never knew that first time I was coming here how much I would love this city or how much Seoul would mean to me. I don't know what is in store for me in the next few months, but I do know that I will be back here someday and I will remember what it felt like to be here, to experience it, to remember all the amazing memories I have here all to myself and the people here. I will have it in my heart, Seoul will be in my soul.
I never knew that first time I was coming here how much I would love this city or how much Seoul would mean to me. I don't know what is in store for me in the next few months, but I do know that I will be back here someday and I will remember what it felt like to be here, to experience it, to remember all the amazing memories I have here all to myself and the people here. I will have it in my heart, Seoul will be in my soul.
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