Embrace It With Me

I don't know quite how to write what I feel tonight but I feel like writing so here I am, trying to get it out. I am exhausted today, physically and emotionally after this week. I've been thinking a lot about where I am and the future that I've created for myself. I'm scared. I'm unsure of the choices I'm making and I feel so unlike myself right now. Maybe it's being here in Hawaii, maybe it's because I haven't been home for a long time, maybe it's because Korea was so inspiring this week, maybe it's because I feel like that's the life I might have had if I had made different choices. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm giving up part of myself and maybe it's because I'm scared that I'm going to lose all the things that I love most about myself. I'm scared, just scared.

What happens to me down the road when I can't chase the life I always wanted, what happens if I realize that I made a mistake, what happens if I get to that point and I look back and I'm stuck in the life that I never wanted? I'm scared that I'll never get to be the person I was meant to be, living in exotic places, experiencing the world, meeting new people, designing how I want to and where I want to. I want to have the drive to just jump on the next plane and be in Korea in the morning, or Paris, or Morocco or wherever when I need to get away.

I thought that I had given up this part of me, that I had let it go, the need to be just myself. I don't feel much like myself lately, and I feel like I am having to be a different version of who I am. And in Korea, it was the first time in a long time that I got to really feel real, that I felt like I was understood and that I felt like I belonged somewhere. I've been drifting back and forth for so long and I'm feeling lost, like I have no where to belong and that I am denying myself something that is just a part of who I am inside.

I need someone to believe that who I am is still there, that I'm not giving it up for something I never wanted. I need to find myself in this next step and I need those that love me to love me for who I am, all of me and to understand that I am going to be different than most girls, that my life will never be one that they understand but they can love me nonetheless. I feel like no one really understands that anymore and I am feeling so backed into a corner, that this is the life that I have to live and there are no other options... I need those options, I need to know that they are open to me. I can't live my whole life in a box, knowing exactly what is going to happen, knowing that there are no other dreams to chase.

I am scared, scared of losing myself, scared of giving it up and scared of losing who I am, because that is the one thing I've always loved about myself, that I've always embraced, that I am different, that I will not lead the ordinary life, that I will not just follow the path laid out for me, that I will make my own. I need to know that those that love me, can love that about me and embrace it with me.