growing up... embracing it

I dont think I've ever been on such a roller coaster as this year has been. I was down as deep as I've ever been last summer, as my mother called it "my dark period" was tough for me, leaving friends, my home, my whole life and leaving it behind for something I didn't like and a summer drifting from one place to another, always alone. Then the fall came and I came to school, started life on my own and then I fell in love as deeply as I ever could. I grew up a lot this year, with responsibilities, a new life, an apartment, a boyfriend, I matured quite quickly to make up for the maturity I already did not have. And as I grew, I expected everyone else in my life to mature too and to grow up as I had to and was expected to.


People let me down this year, friends became more like burdens, some at least, and I found that my time alone was spent recovering from the day, thinking and sometimes scared to death of what was going on and what I would I end up doing or being. Looking back, there was a time in January/February that really hit me hard, I was totally lost, unable to really talk to anyone, a time when suddenly the aura of falling love was gone, the responsibility was back and I felt like I was drifting. I was down again and had to pick myself back up, change things up and start over. Again I grew up from that and realized that sometimes all you can do is count on yourself.

And then after a few months of bliss, becoming so close to the boy I love I lost him again. I went from being so high to falling so low emotionallly. My whole life changed once again and after a year of ups and downs all I wanted was a steady solid summer, no emotional tragedies, no emotional upheavels... yet that's not what happened, and that's not life. AFter a few long days of tears and looking at old photos I found myself again and embraced the silence, making it my own and using it as time to think and time to be who I used to be. I grew up again, changed again, altered my life once again and thouggh some days are still hard for me, some days the tears just won't stop falling and I am so dissapointed in the people around me because it seems all I have is myself.

But then I sit here in my fabulous apartment, looking out the open window at a concrete town that has changed me into who I am and let me grow up here, feel at home here and I realize that even though maybe sometimes all I have is myself to lean on, to talk to, to know, I am still in love and I care for him so deeply, more than anyone I've ever known. And in him, someday maybe he'll grow to see the city and the life I live attractive and come to embrace it as well. Maybe someday I won't have to grow up alone, someday someone will be beside me as I grow and they will protect me from the roller coaster I've lived and keep me headed up toward the sky, neve letting me go toward the ground again.