warning: sick of everything

As a warning ahead of time, this is going to be all over the place, everywhere I am, everywhere I'm not... hold on, this post will be a ride, everything inside my head, and every single thing inside my heart.

There is always something that drives each and everyone of us and something that kills us. For me lately, more has been killing me than driving me, even as hard as I try to be strong, to live just as myself and forget the huge, ugly and tearful journey ahead of me, it all tends to end in negativity and tears. No tears are not sign of weakness, they are not flaws, they are dissapointment and heartache, they are being scared to death of living a summer over that almost killed me before. They are falling because I'm dissapointed in something, someone, who knows. I have people asking why it's happening a certain way, why something isn't here... and i'm wondering myself, if I'm not good enough. If it's me, if somewhere it says something that i'm not worth giving something up. i don't know... and i don't know if any of that makes sense, but the more i think about it, the more i wonder, the more i cry and the more i look out my window and see the empty parking space just wishing and praying that somehow he'll drive up and surprise me on that street corner, making all my wishes come true and all my tears go away.

No one quite understands my issues with goodbyes, with letting go, with losing everything with no choice at all. No one understands the thoughts and hurt I felt when i left my home 8 years ago and left for a foreign place a million miles away and half way across the globe. No one realizes that it killed me, that all i knew what taken without anyone asking me if they could. Then 8 years later, again in one of the most crutial times of my life again all was taken, no permission asked, no considering what i needed, what i felt, where i needed to be. i thought i'd die last summer, i thought the days would never end and that somehow it would get better, and then it finally did, my whole world changed and i had everything i needed, everything i'd ever wanted, i fell in love and thought for sure i'd never have to say goodbye again. i thought for sure this time my permission would be asked, my thoughts considered, my tears would count for something.

but that never happened, nothing changed and i should've known it wouldn't. I just thought maybe for once i wouldnl't have to say goodbye, that once i could have a summer that meant something and that didn't make me cry every night. Maybe once I wouldn't be lonely and left alone to do it by myself. I should've known that wouldn't happen, i should've known i wouldnt have even been asked or considered. i guess it's just my fate, it's what i have to deal with.

i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of hoping i'll see him pull up, i'm tired of no one understanding and everyone taking out their issues over mine, like mine never matter, that everyone else's are more important and harder to understand than my own. i hate saying goodbye and i hate sitting and crying alone looking out at the city so beautiful but yet so hopeless at the same time. i'm tired of no one having the time for me when i give it all to them all the time, i'm tired of being pushed around and used for things. all i want to do is fly away somewhere and never cry again, knwoing that the next few months are going to be amazing and for once in my life have a summer that i enjoy.