me

I feel so much like a flower with almost all petals gone, worn down to the last layer of skin, the last piece of petal that exists on this stem of a life that I live. I feel as if, anymore, I have nothing to hold on to, as if I have nothing to guard me from what comes next. And as much I as seem to put on a brave face and go on living as I am, inside I feel so broken, so alone. It feels like I literally have a million things going on right now and every time I turn around, another person leaves me behind or hurts me, whether knowingly or not. And I can't take anymore hurt, I can't take anymore tears, I can't take anymore of this treatment, because I deserve more, I am more.

I am broken, falling, missing the petals that make me who I am. I am lost, alone and scattered. And for the first time in a long while, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't have the energy to go on like this, so I will sit idly by and hope for the storm to pass. I don't have the time or the patience to do this anymore so I'm going to figure it out on my own. Because in the end, lately, I've realized all you really can every count on is yourself.

I Can Wait

You know the past few days have been try..ng, the past few weeks actually have been incredibly emotional and all in all, the past few months have been a bit rough. But I've learned one thing through it all, I can at least bring up certain things and discuss them like an adult with the people that I care about. And while I may not understand the reasons behind the answers I get, while I may not agree with them or accept them as my own beliefs, I have to learn that what I do with my life does affect other people, regardless if I want them to or not.



The decision I was making, in the end, hurt too many people in the process and perhaps came upon that big of a choice too fast, but I found out that I had the strength and the support to show me the way I ended up choosing. For now, I will go on the way it is, for now I will be the good daughter, the good child, for now I will do as I am wanted to do, and wait, because what's another six months or a year in the span of a lifetime?



And it's a lifetime I can't wait to start living, but in the span of it all, I can wait.

deep city lights

here in the concrete town that shelters me,
here without reason,
here without answers,
I give my heart to you,
open and free and scarred.

here without question,
without a way for me to get it back,
here without friends or foes,
apart from family,
apart from soul,
here is my heart for you to keep.

here in this world that shines at night,
i am finding reasons i never knew existed,
i am finding my heart beneath the sheets that soon
may be ours, beneath the hearts that once ran wild.

here in the concrete town that gives its heart at night
to the river below, in the world that dreams create
and realities only cease,
i give my heart,
i give my hand,
i give my soul.

needs

I suddenly feel alone, all alone. My best friend is making a decision for herself this summer, a decision that is effecting me as well and without her, I feel like in a way I am being left behind, lost, abandoned. And while I know its what she thinks she needs, personally I don't think it is. And all at the same time, I need a change, I need to move on from where I am now and everything seems stale. And suddenly all I want is to leave, begin a new part of my life.

And while I sit here, I feel like everything I want right now, everything I need, will not happen to me for a long time. Why am I constantly the one that does everything right and end up getting punished in the end? How is that fair, how is that right? I want so badly to do the things that I want, to make my decisions, but in the end, I never can because too many other people tell me now, that this isn't the right time, that this is wrong.

I want someone to answer yes, to want to be with me, to want me to have what i want. I want so much from my life and I feel like right now, no one will let me make the choices I know are right... no one will let me do what I want with my life.

Believing Again

When I stopped believing you called my bluff, when I started crying to made me stop and wiped away my tears. When my heart hurt you found the only cure to the starving sensation in my heart. I needed love when I couldn't find any, just like I needed a boy when you suddenly appeared. And sitting here, looking around at the photographs of us, in this home we've created, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, I wouldn't want anyone else. I look back through the memories, back through the tough times, the best times, the days I've fallen in love with you over and over again. And as life continues to overwhelm me, it always continues to grasp me in its grip, and hold it tight.

Baby, you appeared in a time in my life when nothing made sense, when every morning I awoke to wonder who I was. And suddenly, one boy changed everything, one word, one kiss, one life, one love, you. And in just a few years of our lives, we've come to be people we live with out, we've come to be lovers living a life for each other and finding ourselves within the process. I love you more than these words can say... thanks for showing me I could believe again.

When It Rains, It Pours

They say that when it rains it pours, the problem is, I love the rain, as long as I don't have to in the middle of the storm. I like to be the one perched beside my open window, touching each drop as it falls but only for a moment. Perhaps that is the problem lately, each drop has been pouring not into my hand, but directly onto me. I have seemed to be in the middle of the enormous rain storm that has hit, alone in the middle of a desert, unsure of what to do with all the rain pouring down from the supposed Heavens above. In the past month of so it seems like it has been a constant storm, this after that, pouring down all at once barely supporting the lifeless body that captures me now. And finally, along this lonely stretch of solitude, I found my way again through love, and yet once again, hit hard with something that hits way too close to home.

And if people think I have a lot on my mind, they have no idea because there is more than anyone even knows. My mind only continues to hold onto more information and lately none of it has been good... none of it worth a second of time. News keeps piling up, things keep happening, things arriving late, hassles to take care of, fights, making up and finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, then today.

Only a few know of what is happening, only the few I trust the most... but even though I might laugh about it, I am scared inside and unsure of how to handle it. I don't know where this puts me, grand-daughter once removed or grandfather never seen again, shunned away. I am lost in my mind once again and unsure of the next route to take. I guess I've always said I loved the rain, but more than the rain itself, I guess I liked the vision of it, never hitting too close to home and now that it has, all I want are sunny skies.... but then again, is that real life? I guess not.

where?

I miss whole heartedly believing in love. I miss knowing that the butterflies will arise and I miss the smallest things that love has to offer. I miss the urge to kiss him, I miss the inconvenient dates and movie nights. I miss the awkward seating, the flare of love at the beginning. I miss those first kisses, and the first time you hold hands with someone you really know you care about. I miss getting exciting at his phone calls, and I miss the way I used to feel when I had nothing else to do but do nothing with him. I miss the sudden treats, the surprises in the rain. i miss surprises.

I miss knowing that it's real. I miss never doubting myself, and I miss the times when I didn't question everything. I miss the romance, the real romance, not the imitations we play on now. I miss the way you looked at me, i miss the way nothing seemed too important when we were together. I miss the feeling of being in love, the feeling everyone else noticed too. I miss those first I love you's, then not overused, then they were truly real and meant. I miss just laying next to you, not having to nag or ask you to put stuff away. I miss not caring about anything when I was with you. I miss the days when you actually cared to do everything before you saw me, so we'd have time together.

I miss knowing love was perfect, I miss knowing we were invincible. I miss that anxiety before seeing you and I miss the special surprises, not the ones that are now cliche, but the ones when you asked me if it was raining, when you ran all over town just to get me my orchid for my birthday. I miss the moments when all I want to do is be with you, no fights, not arguments, no hastle. I miss you being you, I miss myself being with you. I miss walking with you, and the times when you did all you should do on your own without being asked to do it. I miss never having to ask you to do anything. I miss your touch, that gentle caress that means more than me having to ask you for it. I miss those times when I was the only thing in your life that mattered, no cameras, no computers, just me.

And in the end I know we didn't mean for it all to end up like this. I know we didn't mean for all of this to go out the window, but it did. All of the special things that made us special are gone, not lost, but gone. And in the end, all I can hope for is that you'll read this tomorrow and miss them too. Because my love, where did we go wrong?

intentions

When the night wears down, the wind starts up and the darkness captures the skycraping towers that I know, I come home to this place alone and wash the city off my face. I find myself here tonight, suddenly clearing all the doubt from my mind, suddenly erasing every shred of question that I've created for myself in the past few months. And while the last few months have been such and ups and downs, I can't believe how far we've come, how much we've been through together, how much we've accomplished and hurt together. Even now, you are the one I think of when you are gone. Even now, when I am alone and calm, even now when I look at out this beautiful city we both love so much, I still hold dear in my heart how much I still feel for you. And in the past month I have questioned a lot, worn weak from all that's happened, I wasn't sure that this is truly what I wanted, that this was truly what was right for me. But I know now, this break is all I needed, this time alone, to think, to watch, to breathe. The streets are quiet and so is my heart, my thoughts quieted by the absence of the streetcar and my heart warmed by the city lights surrounding my mind.

I do know that you are the person I am meant to be with. You are the boy that I need, the boy that created who I am now. I never thought I'd be the person that needed someone to be happy with her life, but love has changed me, life has changed me in the past couple of years. And you are my future, I do know that now. I ask only one thing of you my love: please let me question things, for that is the only way I will find the answers I am looking for. Please let me let go in order for you to catch me, it's how my heart works, always has, always will.

So lately, it is in my questioning that I have learned to find more truth about my life, in my questioning that I have found more about myself and more about the life I know I am intended to live.