Soon

Why is it that when we get all that we want, there is always something more that we wish for? Why is it when we have so much right, that still it feels somewhat wrong? Why is it that sometimes we could dream forever about all the things we want but when we get them, or a version of them anyways, that suddenly they aren't enough? For me, my dreams were everything, and to an extent they still are, but it seems that everyday, my heart is changing and I am finding more and more that there are other things that my heart is craving too.

Love. Family. Home. Familiarity. Comfort. Peace. These are just a few things I am craving at the moment... a few things that I miss dearly and that I hope to have again someday soon.

The Chase

Sometimes in life we hope for the best and never quite get it. Sometimes we dream for that perfect guy to come chasing after us, for the people that would give anything to be with us, sometimes that's just all a fairy tale. Sometimes the things we think we want are the things that we'll never get and when the time comes to choose between the things we dream of and the things that make us happy... will our choice turn out to disappoint us? If we give up something we've always wanted for someone that we hope will be willing to do the same, will they do it for us or will all be in vain?

There are moments when all I want, when my world would be put back together if I could just get an answer. If I could get something to tell me that what I'm doing, what I plan to do will be worth it. Some act, some moment when once again my faith will be restored. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the world trying, that everybody else slides by and then there's me, always worrying, always holding the world on my shoulders, or so it seems. Sometimes I wonder why I do it, why I put my heart out there, and why time and time again I'm hurt.

It seems that after finally realizing what's important to me, after finally realizing that love is so much more important than some of my dreams, once again, I feel lost. Once again, my heart is hurting because at a time when so much is happening, all I want is someone to tell me that it'll be okay and that I'm worth chasing.

My City

As time gets closer and closer to being in Oregon again, I find myself counting down the days. Never have I missed something so much, and I've come to find that I'll always consider it home, even though I never grew up there, even though I've been all over the world, I will always find the peace and comfort of "home" in the best kept secret place in the world, in Oregon.

Sometimes I look out my window and pretend that it's the streets of the Pearl, or the river at sunset, or Pioneer Square, or NW 23rd. Sometimes I can see in my head so clearly the drive up burnside, the morning walks to school, the 405 bridge when the sun is setting over the mountains. I miss the way it rains in Oregon, the way it gets so grey, but the most beautiful shade of grey. I miss the restaurant tables spilling out in to the sidewalk in the summer time and the random people you see all over town. I miss being able to walk everywhere and be there in 20 minutes. I miss wearing jackets and feeling like I belong. I miss the beautiful buildings, the tree covered streets of Goose Hollow. I miss the first few weeks of fall, when you can feel a fresh change coming. I miss knowing I am only an hour away from my grandparents and my brother. I miss Red Robin and Mazatlan and Macaroni Grill. I miss coffee on my way to school and riding the MAX. I miss always having my umbrella with me in the winter and the scarves and the gloves. I miss the waiters knowing me at PF Changs and ice cream runs to Cold Stone or Gelato in the pearl. I miss the easiness, the familiarity, I miss feeling like I'm home at the end of the day. I miss the airport in Portland and the drives down to Medford. I miss the trees, and the air, and the field and field driving south on I5.

I know why I left and I know that when it came down to it, I didn't really have a choice. I knew I needed to change in order to really appreciate what I had, that I'd never love Portland as much as I love it now that I've left. I knew somehow that I had to move away to experience other things in order to know that I had to come back someday, to love it even more, to know that it's where I'm meant to be. I knew that I had some difficult decisions to make, that I had to chase some dreams before I could keep on going how I was. And now I know that Portland, that Oregon is in my heart, in my soul and in my mind, forever, it's a place that forever I will call home, that forever I will be apart of, whether I am there or not.

And everyday when I get to work and turn on my computer, there it is, right there on my screen everyday, that city that made me who I am, that city that I will return to someday, that city that is in my dreams and my thoughts all the time.

25

I was re-reading some old emails from loved ones tonight and suddenly I felt a bit inspired to something on my blog a bit different from what I usually do. I got to thinking about all the amazing memories I've had and all the incredible things I've experienced in my young life. Below is a list of my top 25 memories (though there are so many more, these are the ones that I feel have shaped me the most)... of moments that have changed me, that have made me who I am, moments that have been the hardest or the best moments of my life and through all of them... I have grown, I have loved and I have lived.

25. Presenting my college Thesis to an audience and having it so warmly accepted and acknowledged.
24. Renting an apartment totally on my own for the first time... and spending all my own money to get it together and set up.
23. Meeting my childhood friends 12 years after I left Saudi and feeling totally comfortable with them even after than long span of time apart.
22. Having my childhood pets die... within months of each other.
21. Making the decision to change colleges and never regretting it.
20. Losing my aunt to family fights and misunderstandings, an aunt that was one of my best friends and confidantes and who is no longer in my life.
19. Saying goodbye to Nick when I left Seattle, moving to Hawaii.
18. Watching my little brother graduate from high school and being so proud of him.
17. Leaving Saudi, leaving my childhood behind and losing everything I knew and the year that followed - one of the hardest years of my life.
16. Finally figuring out for sure what I wanted to do with my life... knowing that my passion truly lay in the design field and going after that dream.
15. Moving in With Nick - through all the ups and downs of that experience
14. Afternoon teas and lunches with my grandma... a woman that I would not be myself without
13. My senior year with my mom when my dad was gone - a year that changed my life and that made my mom and I closer than we ever would have been otherwise
12. My first night in my apartment in Portland, I'll never forget that feeling... so alive, lonely and anxious all at the same time
11. My first "date" with Nick - I knew I wanted to be with him and I knew that it was meant to be
10. The first time that I could support myself financially all on my own
9. The death of my great uncle - seeing and experiencing that made me truly understand death and made me wonder how I'd ever survive the death of someone close to me
8. Meeting Nick's family for the first time.
7. Mending the relationship with my dad - after my senior year of high school I was barely speaking to him and through the years... we've become the closest we've ever been
6. My first car - which I still have that I am so attached to
5. Turning 20 - for the first time I really felt like an adult, and I knew my path and was taking the steps to complete it
4. Nick and I's first kiss
3. Graduating college with honors and having my entire family there to support me
2. The first morning that Nick spent the night at my apartment and waking up next to him in his arms
1. The moment when I realized that no matter how many ups and downs we face, Nick is the one and only person in this world that I can tell anything to, the one person that I want to be with over anyone else and the one person that will always understand me more than anyone else ever could.

Test

You know... sometimes we break, sometimes we fall, sometimes we sit in a hotel room alone in a foreign country and wonder if it is all worth it. Sometimes we are so exhausted and overwhelmed that we forget why we do what we do and we lose a little part of who we are. I have been there, down, lost, exhausted, irritated and hurt, and yet tonight, as I sit here in my beautiful apartment, at my new table, overlooking the city as the day comes to end, once again rested, relieved and anxious to get back to work, to do what I love doing, it makes it all worth it.

It makes everything be put into perspective, into a new way to live, and makes you consider all that you've done and all that you plan to do. Once again, I have love in my life, support in my life, travel, design, a career, my own money, my own place and a city that I have such a love/hate relationship with. I think that sometimes all we need are a few good things put together to make us realize that in our deepest hours when we feel alone and lost, that we do have all the things we've always wanted.

It's the moments like this, here tonight in a city that has taken so much from me but also given so much in such a short period of time, that we can truly realize all that we have and all that will chase in the future. I have the best boyfriend in the world, supporting my every step and while he may not take every step with me, I know he's there to catch me if I fall back. I have a loving family, parents who understand me and let me be who I am and do what I think is right, whether they think it is or not... they trust completely. I have friends that I can talk to when I need but let me live my own life too and they live their own as well. I have a career, opportunities to travel, to grow, to challenge myself. I have an education and dreams that will take me far.

What more could I ask for in life? What more could I need? Life makes you think often about what we have, especially when we're alone and lost, when we in that little hotel room in a foreign country, exhausted, drained, hurt and alone. We have to feel those things to feel the good afterwards. We have to know lost love, hurt and pain, fear and anxiety and lonliness in order to feel happiness, eagerness and love. It's the deepest moments when our faith is tested the most, when our love is tested the most, when our lives and who we are are tested the most.

Grown Up

There just happen to be some people in this world that regardless of how many years you've spent apart, will always know you, respect you and care. And even though years may pass, it's those childhood friends that you grew up with, that never seem like strangers. And maybe for me, it's because I grew up in a very unique situation and perhaps, it's because those that grew up with me know the same feelings, the same memories, the same people that make me feel so comfortable around them after all this time.

It's ironic, that here in Hawaii, I've reconnected with two of the boys I grew up with, two of them that's kept in contact in with over the years but haven't seen since I left the Middle East. And in a place that has taken so much from me, I guess it's also given me a few things in return as well. There is something about a childhood friend, that always makes you feel like you know them, maybe better than most, And sometimes when you are missing everything in your life, it's a night out with the kid you grew up with that makes all okay, at least for now, for a while.

Cry and Pray and Dream

I have learned so much in my young life and while I don't think that I've learned nearly all that I am supposed to in life, I have found that certain things are meant to be and you can't run from those no matter how hard you try. I have learned that sometimes what makes the most sense doesn't feel right and the people we thought we shouldn't love are the ones that we need to love the most. I let go of a love that I thought wasn't going to work only to find out that it's the only thing in my life that kept me whole. I have learned that sometimes even if you have no idea where something might lead, you should do it anyways and worry about it later. I have learned that you should do what you love and you should cry and pray and dream.

I have learned that sometimes home is where you least expect it, and that the place you thought wouldn't be the place you wanted might just sooth your soul more than you thought. I have learned that the most exciting journey in life is the one that you have no idea is coming. And the most exciting days might be laying in bed with someone you love reading a book.

I have learned that distance truly does make the heart grow fonder, but only after soul searching and finding your true self first. I have learned that sometimes nothing feels better than a shower at night and letting your hair dry in the evening air and that sleeping for a whole red eye flight might just be the best way to travel. I have learned that you have to roll with the punches, cry if you must and get back up and start fighting again. I have learned that it is still a man's world but that doesn't mean that as women we should give up. I have seen people lose faith in things that we must believe in and I have learned that as humans we want the quickest answer, when often times, it's the most thought out one that will work the miracles we need. I have learned that sometimes buying a new song and listening to it over and over is the most soothing thing in the world and finally being in the real world and being able to hold your own is the fulfilling moment you'll ever have.

I believe that someday I'll commit my life to someone and hopefully that someone will be the boy that I have always loved. I believe that whether that means marriage or a deep devotion that only we know, it will change our lives. I have learned that often times the most successful relationships are those that don't try to be what they're not and the ones that know each other better than themselves. I have learned that people around you will tell you things they see, though you shouldn't always listen because only truly can we see the full image in our own eyes and our own hearts.

I believe in crying, tears and dreams. In faith and hope and love. I believe in the power of healing and the hope of tomorrow. I have learned to cry, to pray, and to dream.

All the Little Things

I miss all the little things. I miss the way PF Changs smelled in our little apartment and the way the city looked through the bare trees. I miss the smell of the city after the rain and the 45 minute drive to my grandparents. I miss the Pearl and watching movies every night. I miss waking up next to you and sleeping in. I miss the Saturday errands and BJ's at Jantzen Beach. I miss Mexico in Seattle and weekend trips to Medford. I miss curling up on that old sofa and taking a nap in your arms and lunch on the sidewalk at Macaroni Grill. I miss you being there to hold me when I cry and meeting you for lunch. I miss going to movies and breakfast at Starbux. I miss the evening walks and drives to Burgerville. I miss Red Robin.

I miss the sunsets and the family dinners in Salem. I miss the cold, the blankets and the heaters. I miss the pictures of Paris and the feeling of home. I miss my pink Kitchen aid mixer and doing my own laundry. I miss us, the inside jokes, the easy communication with no words at all. I miss you knowing exactly what I need and knowing that at the end of the day, I can come home to you. I miss knowing that no matter how horrible my day is, I won't be alone. I miss all of it, and I miss you every single day.

And never have I felt so alone, lost and torn apart as I do now. And suddenly this city I thought I loved so much is nothing like the home I need now. There are so many little things I miss, so many little things that I never thought I needed that turned out to be the only things that makes life worthwhile.

All I want

Sometimes I feel like no where is right, that I'm so lost in the middle of something that I don't know where the end is, where the light at the tunnel will come out. It seems that more often than not, we are disappointed in life, disappointed by those we love, disapointed by colleagues, by friends. And at the end of the day, do we really even have anyone other than ourselves? Do we really have anyone we can count on to be there, just to be there and not make you feel worse than you already do?

Is there really any relationship between anyone that never has that? OR is that what we're just supposed to deal with throughout life? I'm tired of being hurt, and I'm tired of putting myself entirely out there for others to rip apart. So what's the answer, do we just stay by ourselves, be alone, seclude ourselves from the rest of the world? Do we just protect ourselves from it all, from the disappointment over and over again or do we just withstand it and let the tears fall?

Right now, what I need most of all is a home to go to, a place that I know and love, a place that needs me just like I need it and yet, I don't have anywhere like that in my life. I don't have that place that will always be there, a place that will comfort me when I need it the most. And right now, that's all I really want.

All the Wrong Places

Sometimes there are moments when we think we can't pick ourselves back up. Sometimes there are moments when we need the warm touch and loving arms of someone we love. Sometimes we need a great cup of coffee or a night to go to bed early and sleep in late. There are so many times in our lives when what we need most is that one person that understands us, and when we realize that maybe what we had really is what we want, that suddenly everything starts to make sense again. For a long time I was pushing so much away when all I really wanted was for it to be close, for it to pull me in and never let me go.

I miss Portland so much, and i miss the rain and the city and the the river. And while I may not be ready to be back there forever, I am ready to see it again. To feel the Oregon rain, the air, the cobblestone streets, the people I love, the places I've known for so long. There are moments when I'd throw it all away and go back there, just to be there again, and then again, I have moments where I feel like I'll need to wander forever. Sometimes I wonder why I'm so indecisive, why my mind can't stay on one thing for long, why I get so restless from place to place.

I think for so long all I wanted was to grow up, to be on my own, to figure it all out on my own and suddenly I'm finding more and more that what I wanted all along was someone to grow up with, someone to love me for me and someone to wander with me, if that's what it takes.

There are moments when I wonder about it all and there are moments when I look around me and can't believe what I have. There are times when all I want is to be back in his arms, and times when I want to run free forever, if only he were there to run with me, I could have it all... though I don't think that's the point of life. You're not supposed to have it all, because if you did, you'd never make decisions and learn lessons. You'd never grow and you'd never love and lose and learn. And so tonight in Seoul, ready to go home, not sure where home is and wishing it was september, my heart is everywhere at once and perhaps in alll the wrong places.

Rain

Its so easy to get lost in the shuffle of life, in the movement, in the change, in the future. It's so easy to say you'll do that later or you'll get to it when you can. It's so easy to work till 9 o'clock at night and wonder where the time went, but we must stop and acknowledge the lives we're living. Today I sat in a food court in Seoul, on the 8th floor of a department store in Dongdaemun and as I sat and looked out the window, the rain poured down around me. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like this was such a moment of bliss, a moment where the world stopped and the rain soothed me, brought me back to a better place in my mind. I've been so busy lately, in and out of the country, working all the time and for just a minute, I could stop and sit and watch as the rain, every part of my soul, cleansed all the chaos away.

I reminded me of Portland, looking down at the city below, at the rain washing the city clean. I have so missed this kind of rain, it's not what I get in Hawaii, but real rain, large blue drops of rain. I've missed that since I left Portland and finally today I got it again, at a time when I needed it the most.

And so tonight as I fall asleep, I'll pray for more rain tomorrow because this city is so beautiful in the rain and because the rain makes me feel whole again.

Never Say Never

Sometimes nothing makes sense and you don't have the answers to anything. Sometimes you have no idea where you're headed, but I guess that that's the best and more beautiful part of life isn't it? Not knowing where you'll be going or who you'll meet or where you'll live or jobs you'll have, friends you'll keep, family you'll find. I guess it's a unique perspective of mine, and while many cannot agree with me, for me, I always thought that I had to have everything planned out, that everything had to happen just like I thought it should. And over the years, as life has happened and I've learned and loved and grown, at this point in my life, I don't want to know where I'm headed, or where I'll be or who I'll meet. I want it all to be a surprise, a beautiful addition to my young life.

I like the chaos, I like the unknown, it makes everything so much more beautiful. And for years I've listened to my mom tell me to "never say never" because in her life, no one could have ever guessed all the places she went or the people she loved. And that lesson has stuck with me in these past few years as I've grown and learned about the world. I never would guessed in my wildest dreams that I would be here in Hawaii, or that I would have traveled to and loved Seoul. This is not where I thought I'd be geographically, not even close but in this lesson, in this mini-era of my life, I am learning new things every day, meeting new people and living my life as it's supposed to be.

And so looking ahead, I don't have any answers and though I try to make sense of the whirlwind, I can't make sense of anything. But I do know, that I won't ever say "never" because as soon as I do, it will happen.