All the Wrong Places

Sometimes there are moments when we think we can't pick ourselves back up. Sometimes there are moments when we need the warm touch and loving arms of someone we love. Sometimes we need a great cup of coffee or a night to go to bed early and sleep in late. There are so many times in our lives when what we need most is that one person that understands us, and when we realize that maybe what we had really is what we want, that suddenly everything starts to make sense again. For a long time I was pushing so much away when all I really wanted was for it to be close, for it to pull me in and never let me go.

I miss Portland so much, and i miss the rain and the city and the the river. And while I may not be ready to be back there forever, I am ready to see it again. To feel the Oregon rain, the air, the cobblestone streets, the people I love, the places I've known for so long. There are moments when I'd throw it all away and go back there, just to be there again, and then again, I have moments where I feel like I'll need to wander forever. Sometimes I wonder why I'm so indecisive, why my mind can't stay on one thing for long, why I get so restless from place to place.

I think for so long all I wanted was to grow up, to be on my own, to figure it all out on my own and suddenly I'm finding more and more that what I wanted all along was someone to grow up with, someone to love me for me and someone to wander with me, if that's what it takes.

There are moments when I wonder about it all and there are moments when I look around me and can't believe what I have. There are times when all I want is to be back in his arms, and times when I want to run free forever, if only he were there to run with me, I could have it all... though I don't think that's the point of life. You're not supposed to have it all, because if you did, you'd never make decisions and learn lessons. You'd never grow and you'd never love and lose and learn. And so tonight in Seoul, ready to go home, not sure where home is and wishing it was september, my heart is everywhere at once and perhaps in alll the wrong places.