No one

We grow up and we're told to chase our dreams, to go after what we want, what we believe in. We are told to run free, to find ourselves, to leap. And then we get to this point, when the decisions we have to make are tough ones, when we must choose one path or another. We get to a crossroads where we must either make a decision for ourselves or one for every one else. We put ourselves into positions then that break our hearts, forcing us to give up what we want for what we should do.

I hate the word "should," because it seems like we do what we "should" do more than what we want to or need to do. Sometimes there are things in life that we must just take a risk with, but when we go to take that risk, we are criticized, we are told that we shouldn't do that.

In the light of a very tough situation this week, I find myself completely alone again. And the people that I thought would be there for me to lean on, are the people that are yet again disappointing me the most. Sometimes I just wish I had someone in my life that was there unconditionally, that made no judgment, and just listened to me when I needed someone to be there. I'm so tired of people telling me that I need to this and do that and it's going to cost this and that, and all the while, I already know all of that. I am a smart and accomplished young woman yet no one in my life seems to give me any credit. I can handle it, I just want someone there to be a phone call when I need it, someone to just listen and not give me what they think and how I should do it. I need to do it on my own, I just want so badly to just talk to someone, and have them listen, nothing else.

We grow up being told to go after what we want, chase those dreams and find something we love to do and when we get to that point, when I am here, at the choice between a job that's going no where and a real chance to chase my dreams, everyone seems to be against me and I'm wondering if the choice I make will be the right one. I wish so badly that the people in my life were more romantic, more idealistic, more positive. I wish so badly that I had that one person to rely on to help me chase my dreams and to support me instead of telling me what I should do, and why I should do it.

I am at a point in my life right now where I am so filled with doubts once again. And after this weekend, when I should have been on top of the world, I feel even more lost. How am I ever supposed to leap and chase those dreams that I have when no one in my life can support me and believe in me? How am I ever supposed to take those leaps when no one in my life will have an open enough mind to understand me?