Recognition

I am sitting here thinking of everything that's occurred in the last 24 hours. And I can't help but feel so dissapointed, in all those around me, in those close to me. I don't think that I'm asking too much for those around me to stand up for me, for things that should be my decision, for people to be considerate, to not just change things with no consideration from the other person. I'm so tired of giving 100% and having everyone else give 50. I'm so tired of other people making me feel like I am "so lucky to have them" or that they are "giving" me so much. I am giving too, I am doing more than so many other people out there and yet things are always hung over my head.

It makes me want to just move away alone, not rely on anyone because at the end of days like this, it makes me so angry, so furious that what I do is never enough and it's never recognized at all.

Every Step

I think that there are times in our lives that we realize things that have made us who we are. We find out what we believe in and what our principles are just by making the decisions we do, just by living our lives day by day and seeing where we go. I sit here tonight, alone, on an island that has been a bittersweet place to me, knowing in my heart that I'm only here for a little while in the span of time, and then I can go home. And with an offer today, I made a huge realization and it showed me a lot of who I am, and I'm proud of who I am. No matter how much money someone offered me, I would never choose to be away from the young man I love, no matter what the offer was, nothing can ever beat the feeling of laying in his arms in the evenings, in our apartment or sitting at dinner with him. Nothing could ever make me choose that, and no matter what I'm offered in the weeks to come and no matter how people might react at the choice I make, I will always be that girl and that woman that knows what is important to me and what isn't. Nothing is better than knowing that at the end of the day I have him, that I can go home to him, that I can do anything my heart desires because he is there every step of the way.

My Paradise

I had a thought tonight, in the midst of a conversation of why I don't like it here and I realized something very important. I don't like living in Hawaii for a number of reasons, but the most important reasons aren't the slow movement or the aloha shirts or the heat. The reasons that I want to be in Oregon are because that's home, and for the first time in my life I have a home, a real place that I can call my own, a place that means something to me, that is a constant. And that home is where the love of my life is, where my best friends are, where family is. It's where my life is, it's where my life was built, where I built it. It's where I fell in love, it's where I graduated from college, it's where I had my first apartment, where I bought my first apartment. It's where Nick and I built our life together and it's where I just feel safe and whole.

I keep thinking ahead a few months when I leave here for good, and I keep thinking to myself, what will I feel? Will I feel sad for this place, that I never really loved, or will I just be so ready to leave this chapter behind? I'm so anxious to find out what's next in store for me, this feels a bit like it's just ready to be over, like it's run its course. This place has been a learning experience for me and so much has happened to me here, but when it comes down to it, there is no better feeling than curling up on the couch in my apartment in Portland, next to Nick, under a pink blanket watching our shows, and watching the rain fall outside. My mom said to me tonight, "what more could you want, this is paradise!" And I responded, "my paradise is something all together different."

My paradise is rain for days on end, trees greener than green, and gray skies in a million different shades of gray. My paradise is laying next to my love, and knowing that tomorrow we're going to be together. My paradise is just feeling real, refreshed and loved and most of all, feeling like I'm really home. And while I may be living in someone's paradise right now, my paradise is out there tonight across the ocean.

where the time goes

Why is it that when we need time to slow down, it speeds up but when all we want is for it to fly by us, it seems as if the hours of the day aren't moving. I have a feeling these next four months are going to creep by, they are going to take their time and I guess it's the universe's way of telling me to enjoy it, to just live it. But that is ever increasingly hard, and it makes time feel like it's a punishment. I have so much to do it seems, and all the time in the world to do it but for some reason I don't want to, I don't want to do it alone.

I would trade this heat for the rain in a mere moment; I would trade the skirts for the jackets, that's just who I am, that's just the girl that I enjoy being, it's where makes me feel whole, true. I've been on my own enough, and it's not that by going back there I'm not on my own, I live my own life, do my own things, but it all means something. I can't seem to put into words the feeling of being home, it's like now that I finally have found it, I never want to let it go. The seasons, the river, the bridges, the max... it feels right, it feels whole and I want that every day, every moment, every raindrop, ever max ride. It's just who I am, what I am and where I should be.

So I guess I'll just let life ride itself out and sooner than I know it I'll be home for good... I'll get to see the fall, the winter, the spring, and finally it will be next summer and I'll wonder where the year went!

For Me

There are moments when I wonder why I do this, why I sit here alone, why I am not on a plane every weekend, why I'm even here in the first place. And then all the realities and responsibilities come back to me, I have to pay my mortgage, I have to pay the bills, I have to pay for all that stuff that I have in my life, all the luxuries. And then the less material things come into view, I do this because in a way I think my parents need this, I do this so that they will be proud, so that I can say I have a job, so that I get experience in my field, so that I don't let my colleagues down. And then I do this for me a little bit, well I did this in the first place because before I could commit to anything or anyone I needed to at least feel like I could run wherever I wanted, that I could go off on my own and live my own life. And what it taught me was that that's what I was doing all along. I have been doing that my whole life, I have been standing up for who I am and following my heart and dreams all along. I just needed it to be a statement, a few months all my own, in which I could look back and know why I needed that and that I could do it.

And I sit here tonight so high above this palm tree lined city, and as I look ahead, I have 16 weeks to go, just 16, that's all and I'll be on a plane home, coming home to you. I can do that, I can make it, and not just for the financial reasons, not just for the realities and the responsibilities, I can do it for me and for you and for my family. I can do it for my job and for my office, I can do it for my experience and my career. I can do it because it's only 16 weeks out of a lifetime back home with you. So here's to starting the tally, 16 weeks and counting, that's not that long, especially when every two weeks I get to see you, that helps the tally go by faster. So I can do it, and not just for all those other reasons that come to mind, I can do this for me, I can do it for us.

missing you tonight...

I sit here alone tonight on this island, back in this apartment that I should love so much, watching planes fly across the night sky headed towards the home that I would like to be at. And as I look down at my finger, at that beautiful custom made ring, it makes me smile because I know that someone out there tonight, you are. And I'm not alone, you're with me always. This ring means so much to me and it means more and more each day that we're apart and each day that we're together. I never was the girl that her whole wedding planned out or that had been dreaming of this my whole life, and I was totally shocked when you proposed, and maybe a little fearful of what we were getting into. But now, I've realized whole heartedly, I was already committed, I was already with you and in my heart, I was already married to you, maybe not legally, but emotionally I was already there, already in that position. I knew along time ago that I would end up with you, it just took me a few swerves in different directions to realize our path, our destination.

So tonight my love, tonight and for the rest of our lives, I will always be yours, I will always have you in my thoughts and even when you aren't here beside me, you'll be with me, always. I can't wait for these months to fly by, for me to be home with you, curled up in our little apartment, living the life we love. I love you and every time I look down at this beautiful ring, I suddenly realize the meaning of it, the eternity of it, the symbolism of it. I understand the moments that it captures, the future it holds. And I want all of that with you, I want to see where I road leads and I'm so excited for the journey.

Missing you tonight...