The Boy I love and the City that means Everything

I've sat here, a few steps away from my balcony a hundred times. I've looked out at this view for a year. And every time I've felt something different, the breeze blowing my hair around my face, and the few sprinkles of rain that scatter in to land on my skin. The lights going on one by one in the buildings around me as the darkness falls on the city; I have a hard time calling this place a city actually, it seems more like a town that outgrew itself, a town that doesn't make sense, a town split between tourist and local, a town that never quite got anything right. This place tugs at me lately, driving me crazy, because all I want to do is to be on that plane for the last time, headed home for good. It seems so much harder this time knowing there is an endpoint, because all I want is for the end point to be here, now. Everything is frustrating me, everything annoying, bothersome. And every time I have a good feeling, or if it's a beautiful morning or a lovely evening, something seems to nag at me in my head.

I dream about lying next to him, as the real rain falls outside the window. I dream of the river, of the smell of the northwest, of the green, of the gray. I dream of spending Friday nights at home, and dinners out with friends. I dream of the normalcy that I love so much, the comfort of home and not spending 10 hours every two weeks on air planes. I dream of wearing this ring, and having him wear his, of weekends just to relax and spend time together. I dream of lunches out, and eating at our favorite places. I dream of seeing the seasons change into each other and the bustle of the city. I dream of my city, my home, my love.

This place could never measure up to home, and it could never win over the place that might not have beaches or surfing or palm trees, but that has so much more. I think that those of us from the Northwest have a special place in our hearts for the place we call home, the place that is so beautiful in its own right, maybe more beautiful than anywhere else.

I know I have a lot more adventures ahead of me, but I want him by my side for all of them. A year ago, I might have wanted something different, or maybe I wasn't so sure of exactly what I wanted. But this year it is entirely different, I am entirely different. There is something inside of me that is changed, something that I know for sure now, something that I used to doubt. I want to go home, no matter what that means, job or not, I know that I can still accomplish anything I want to, and I can do it at home with the boy I love and the city that means everything.