Speaking yesterday to a girl at work that grew up in the middle east, I realized just how much I miss it. How much I miss being the only pale skinned girl in the crowd, how I missed the uniqueness of the culture, how the sand felt when it blew against my skin, how endless the ocean seemed at my feet, how real it all felt, how it felt like home. I miss the sensation of religion calling to the masses, the way the sweet bread would melt on your tongue and the way, the sun felt in those early morning hours rising over the gulf. I miss the travel, the palm trees lining every road, the endless expanse of sand, the way the falcon soared over the earth and the way religion conquered all. I miss the traditions, the culture, the unique ways of the Arab world. I miss Saudi and I will never think of myself as a normal American girl, I never have been, I never grew up the way the rest of you grew up. I was imprinted with the print of the arab world more than I was of an American childhood. And even though I left at an impressionable age, I still wonder what it would be like to go back. I had forgotten a lot of the things I remember because no one that I know can relate to what I lived, how I grew up, until I met this girl at work the other day from Somalia, an arab country in Africa.
It dawned on me then, speaking to her of all the places I used to know so well. And I suddenly was drawn back to all the places, the memories, the culture, the traditions, the smells, the food, the way the sun would set over the desert in the late evening. I suddenly remembered the way the streets smelled, the way the desert looked at first light, the way the ocean felt so warm on your bare feet, the way the world seemed to stop turning when you looked out over the ocean that in just a short distance took you to the sands of Kuwait.
It's a beautiful world there, one that is often misunderstood, one that many seem ignorant about, one that people make judgement too quickly without understanding. It's a world of tradition, a place where life is lived the same it's been lived for thousands of years and in a world that is so rapidly changing, maybe we need more of that, maybe we need more of a world in which traditions forms a basis. It's sad how westernized the world has become, it's sad how tradition is being swept aside to become like us americans. In the end, I guess I realized that I had been pushing this huge part of myself aside, when I needed to embrace it and realize how much a part of me it truly is. I feel in my heart as I am part Arab, less American than Arab. For half my life I was Arab, then suddenly forced into America as a teenager, and now finally I am figuring out that I don't have to be either or, I can be both. I can be the American girl that grew up in Saudi Arabia and the Arab girl that moved to America. I can be both, because both are who I am, I am neither one without the other, both make up my soul, both make me who I am. And so until I can see the sands beneath the setting sun, and taste that sweet bread melting my mouth on the Saudi streets in the early evening when the sun is setting and suddenly there is relief from the heat, I will continue to go back to my Arab roots, regardless of what those around me think I am.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
here's to hoping
Our days here are numbered and in each of those numeric weeks that flies by us with the setting sun, more and more of the things that are in our future get closer and closer. In just a few short years, I will be done with school, working, completely on my own, married, and beginning all that I choose to do. And as I sit here thinking, as I finally have time to actually just sit and think, I can't wait for all that is ahead of me, I can't wait to marry my love, to walk down that aisle and look up at him, and smile because he truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he came along at the perfect time in my life. And while sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on certain things, I always come back to the conclusion that he is the one I want to be with, he is the one that makes me feel loved and he is the one that I want to be with regardless of what night of the week it is or who might be going out.
I am turning 21 in a few weeks and I can't help but wonder, how did life come to this point so quickly? It seems yesterday we were just graduating from high school, barely knew who we were and worrying about prom dates, not bills and rent. It seems that as life goes, so does more responsibility. And in that, that only makes us stronger. I can't believe it sometimes when I look down and see that I am supporting myself, taking responsibility and making my own decisions. I am at a point where I feel like I can go to my parents as an adult and tell them what I've decided, and regardless of how they feel, I can do what I think is right.
And so as we grow up, ever so quickly, it's amazing how much is thrown at us. Here's to only hoping we have the strength, courage and ability to hold on to it and do all we can with it.
I am turning 21 in a few weeks and I can't help but wonder, how did life come to this point so quickly? It seems yesterday we were just graduating from high school, barely knew who we were and worrying about prom dates, not bills and rent. It seems that as life goes, so does more responsibility. And in that, that only makes us stronger. I can't believe it sometimes when I look down and see that I am supporting myself, taking responsibility and making my own decisions. I am at a point where I feel like I can go to my parents as an adult and tell them what I've decided, and regardless of how they feel, I can do what I think is right.
And so as we grow up, ever so quickly, it's amazing how much is thrown at us. Here's to only hoping we have the strength, courage and ability to hold on to it and do all we can with it.
not only a dream
As I sit here and the sun is setting behind the trees and behind the clouds that soothed me today, I can see the leaves slowly changing colors outside. It's this time of year that truly makes feel myself, it's the way the leaves fall, the rain falling and the memories of love that get me right now. And in all honesty, as I take a moment to rest right now, after finishing up another quarter at school, it seems only natural to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that I can actually breathe and rest now, for a little while at least.
And as I look back, this has been one of the most trying quarters for me at school and at life. I went through a lot in my personal life in the last ten weeks and in school it was especially difficult getting everything done. I'm at a point right now where I just want to learn, and that in itself, I think tells me that this is exactly what I want to do with my life. You know, I said to Nick the other day, "I love my school and I love what I'm doing," and he remarked back, "You're really lucky that you can say that because not that many people can say that." And that makes me smile, even here and now because he's right, I've found so much in the past couple of years that many people search for for a lifetime. In the past two years, I have found the love of my life, a boy who I've watched become a young man, a man that takes care of me, that loves me unconditionally and more than I ever thought I could be loved and a man that I know will never let me down. My love for him today is the strongest its ever been and it only continues to grow each and every day we are together. I have found a school and passion in my life that I can continue doing that I love. I found something that I want to do for the rest of my life and I love doing it. I have met people that have changed me, friends that I will keep for the rest of my life, friends that know me and respect me for who I am. I've lost a lot of people that were important in my life, and I've lost family to death and to distance in the past few months.
But through it all, I've learned the most about myself and looking back to this time two years ago, I've changed almost every part of myself and my life and it's all for the better. I am a different person than I was back then, I am a more mature, sophisticated, confident and well rounded person than I was, and in the past two years, not only have i found a dream for my future, but I've found a reality that can make that future come true.
And as I look back, this has been one of the most trying quarters for me at school and at life. I went through a lot in my personal life in the last ten weeks and in school it was especially difficult getting everything done. I'm at a point right now where I just want to learn, and that in itself, I think tells me that this is exactly what I want to do with my life. You know, I said to Nick the other day, "I love my school and I love what I'm doing," and he remarked back, "You're really lucky that you can say that because not that many people can say that." And that makes me smile, even here and now because he's right, I've found so much in the past couple of years that many people search for for a lifetime. In the past two years, I have found the love of my life, a boy who I've watched become a young man, a man that takes care of me, that loves me unconditionally and more than I ever thought I could be loved and a man that I know will never let me down. My love for him today is the strongest its ever been and it only continues to grow each and every day we are together. I have found a school and passion in my life that I can continue doing that I love. I found something that I want to do for the rest of my life and I love doing it. I have met people that have changed me, friends that I will keep for the rest of my life, friends that know me and respect me for who I am. I've lost a lot of people that were important in my life, and I've lost family to death and to distance in the past few months.
But through it all, I've learned the most about myself and looking back to this time two years ago, I've changed almost every part of myself and my life and it's all for the better. I am a different person than I was back then, I am a more mature, sophisticated, confident and well rounded person than I was, and in the past two years, not only have i found a dream for my future, but I've found a reality that can make that future come true.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
... for us all....
*Remember*
Always remember your father’s smile,
And your childhood home.
Remember the way a child laughs,
And the way it smells after it rains.
Remember the moment when you found yourself,
The touch of every hand you shake,
And the feel every hug you give.
Always remember the first time
And the last time,
Remember the love you’ve had for others,
Regardless if that love still exists of not.
Remember what hurt you the most,
And the best moment of your life.
Always remember what means the most,
Remember to say the three little words
That begin with “I” and end in “u.”
Remember your first love,
And the face of every loved one gone.
Always remember the way the sun sets,
And how the leaves drop in the fall.
Remember the moments with family,
And the long talks with those you love.
Remember the connections, and strive
To keep them.
Remember you are loved,
And no matter where life takes us,
We always come back to a spot that keeps
Us whole.
Remember the strength it took to grieve,
And the courage it takes to move on.
Always remember his smile,
After all, it was the best smile in the world.
Always remember your father’s smile,
And your childhood home.
Remember the way a child laughs,
And the way it smells after it rains.
Remember the moment when you found yourself,
The touch of every hand you shake,
And the feel every hug you give.
Always remember the first time
And the last time,
Remember the love you’ve had for others,
Regardless if that love still exists of not.
Remember what hurt you the most,
And the best moment of your life.
Always remember what means the most,
Remember to say the three little words
That begin with “I” and end in “u.”
Remember your first love,
And the face of every loved one gone.
Always remember the way the sun sets,
And how the leaves drop in the fall.
Remember the moments with family,
And the long talks with those you love.
Remember the connections, and strive
To keep them.
Remember you are loved,
And no matter where life takes us,
We always come back to a spot that keeps
Us whole.
Remember the strength it took to grieve,
And the courage it takes to move on.
Always remember his smile,
After all, it was the best smile in the world.
*Blessed*
It's interesting how things all come to play in our minds. I honestly have never been close to anyone that's died, never had a close relative die unexpectedly, never had a friend gone in an instant. THat is, until now. And as of a few weeks ago, my family was extremely complete, and though we definitely have things that create issues, we were all alive and well, happy and alive. That is until my grandma's brother died on August 19th, a day I'll always remember, because it was the morning after a whirlwind weekend for Alyssa's wedding. I'll never forget that phone call because it marked a huge transition in my life. It marked a day when forever I'll remember what it felt like to have something like that hit you, something like realizing you'll never see someone again. I remember not knowing how to feel, because although I didn't spend every day with my beloved Uncle Jerry, I definitely had a connection with him, a relationship, a bond. I was confused, unsure and lost for a while.
The reason I am writing this now and not a few weeks ago when he passed, was that on Thursday, I attended his funeral, his memorial, his remembrance. And once again it hit me so hard, harder than I expected because first off, all the memories came flooding back. And secondly, it was very hard for me to see my Grandma, to see how close she was to her big brother and how important of a person he was in her life, and to see her hurting because he would never be that big brother ever again in this life. And lastly, it truly hit me especially hard because for the first time, I realized that I may not have many years left with my grandparents, who I am extremely close with. It will be extremely hard for me losing them, harder than this of course, because it will be such a stronger bond I am leaving behind, such a stronger connection gone.
It's ironic, because my whole life I have lived with huge goodbyes. And I say this knowing that a "huge goodbye" is much larger than moving to a different house in the same city, more than saying goodbye when you leave for college. At 10 years old, I said goodbye forever to a country I loved as my own, to the only world I knew, to friends that were family that I will never see again, to a family life that I would never have again in the states. I said goodbye again at 18, again, to a family that would never be the same again, to friends, to a home, to a place. So in a way, goodbyes are not foreign to me at all, they are not unique. Goodbyes, in some respects, I have known more than lasting stability.
But saying goodbye this time, saying it so finally, so dramatically came at a high price. Death is never an easy thing for us to see in our generation, in fact, we don't know how to quite embrace it. It was very hard for me, very weird to see someone I loved gone and remembered in such a way. And at the same time, I keep thinking how much everyone in my life means to me and what death really means, something that I didn't know much of before. And it occurred to me as my grandma and I spent some time together this weekend, that we must find our strength and sometimes, to find it, we have to lose something that means the world to us. For her to find she could be this strong, for family to come together for a moment to grieve, and for family to reconnect, death was the biggest blessing we could have seen. And though we are all hurting, though we are all struggling with this, how blessed am I to have known my dear, beloved uncle Jerry? How blessed were we all.
The reason I am writing this now and not a few weeks ago when he passed, was that on Thursday, I attended his funeral, his memorial, his remembrance. And once again it hit me so hard, harder than I expected because first off, all the memories came flooding back. And secondly, it was very hard for me to see my Grandma, to see how close she was to her big brother and how important of a person he was in her life, and to see her hurting because he would never be that big brother ever again in this life. And lastly, it truly hit me especially hard because for the first time, I realized that I may not have many years left with my grandparents, who I am extremely close with. It will be extremely hard for me losing them, harder than this of course, because it will be such a stronger bond I am leaving behind, such a stronger connection gone.
It's ironic, because my whole life I have lived with huge goodbyes. And I say this knowing that a "huge goodbye" is much larger than moving to a different house in the same city, more than saying goodbye when you leave for college. At 10 years old, I said goodbye forever to a country I loved as my own, to the only world I knew, to friends that were family that I will never see again, to a family life that I would never have again in the states. I said goodbye again at 18, again, to a family that would never be the same again, to friends, to a home, to a place. So in a way, goodbyes are not foreign to me at all, they are not unique. Goodbyes, in some respects, I have known more than lasting stability.
But saying goodbye this time, saying it so finally, so dramatically came at a high price. Death is never an easy thing for us to see in our generation, in fact, we don't know how to quite embrace it. It was very hard for me, very weird to see someone I loved gone and remembered in such a way. And at the same time, I keep thinking how much everyone in my life means to me and what death really means, something that I didn't know much of before. And it occurred to me as my grandma and I spent some time together this weekend, that we must find our strength and sometimes, to find it, we have to lose something that means the world to us. For her to find she could be this strong, for family to come together for a moment to grieve, and for family to reconnect, death was the biggest blessing we could have seen. And though we are all hurting, though we are all struggling with this, how blessed am I to have known my dear, beloved uncle Jerry? How blessed were we all.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I was reading my myspace profile tonight and for the first time in a long time I realized that I have forgotten about so many of the things that I love and that are so dear to my heart. And I've been so busy that I've let go of some of the things that make me who I am so I decided to write this list, to help me remember those things that sometimes get overlooked but that are some of those important little things that make me smile and keep me going and that make me who I am. So here it is: I am who I am and have come to believe that the smallest things in life often make us better people and create a more whole person.
1. sunsets
2. the Riverfront on a chilly day with clouds covering the city
3. rain
4. long walks
5. night minds by missy higgins
6. looking into his eyes and seeing who i am
7. a really great glass of savignon blanc
8. sweet cream with rasberries
9. pink
10. V.S.
11. getting dressed up
12. golfing at sunset
13. seeing my future with someone
14. tulips, roses, and dark chocolate
16. the number 8
17. the beach
18. SEx and the City
19. scarves
20. cupcakes
21. getting magazines in the mail
22. letting everything else go so that i can read them
23. pink burberry
24. pulling my hair back at the end of the day and taking off all my make up
25. staying in on a rainy day and watching movies
26. fitting into the city and feeling at home here
27. Paris
28. sleeping sound
29. sleeping in
30. pf changs
31. dreaming
1. sunsets
2. the Riverfront on a chilly day with clouds covering the city
3. rain
4. long walks
5. night minds by missy higgins
6. looking into his eyes and seeing who i am
7. a really great glass of savignon blanc
8. sweet cream with rasberries
9. pink
10. V.S.
11. getting dressed up
12. golfing at sunset
13. seeing my future with someone
14. tulips, roses, and dark chocolate
16. the number 8
17. the beach
18. SEx and the City
19. scarves
20. cupcakes
21. getting magazines in the mail
22. letting everything else go so that i can read them
23. pink burberry
24. pulling my hair back at the end of the day and taking off all my make up
25. staying in on a rainy day and watching movies
26. fitting into the city and feeling at home here
27. Paris
28. sleeping sound
29. sleeping in
30. pf changs
31. dreaming
Sunday, August 19, 2007
*beloved*
Finally breathing once again, I can feel my heart flutter at the loss of a loved one, yet at the same time feel some peace as to where he is now. I can see clearly the night sky out the window of this apartment that has become my home, with the one person that has been there for me unconditionally through the trials and obstacles, through the tears and times of need. After a weekend of anxiety, tears, frustration and fatigue and the loss of a few of the friends I used to know, I came to find myself in the hour of need.
As I kept thinking in my mind, my life has changed into that of a child with all decisions made for, to the life of an adult on my own, living and breathing on my own, making the choices for myself and no one else. And in the same span of a few days I went from a wedding that has a small chance of making it, to finding out that friends aren't always the people you think they are, to the death of a family member and the reconciliation between mother and child. And through all the journies, through all the events, the losses, the gains, I am here at home finally breathing once again. I sit here, sipping my wine, looking at the boy that proves himself and his love to me over and over and the boy that I know that I could not live with out. I am looking back on what has happened and what has changed, and I can only walk away from it changed and more adult, better.
So may God watch above the man that lost his life, but gained a soul in the clouds of HEaven. May God create happiness for as long as possible for two people not ready for the sacrament of marriage and may he watch over all the people on this earth mourning my uncles death for he was a beloved and cherished man, loved and needed.
As I kept thinking in my mind, my life has changed into that of a child with all decisions made for, to the life of an adult on my own, living and breathing on my own, making the choices for myself and no one else. And in the same span of a few days I went from a wedding that has a small chance of making it, to finding out that friends aren't always the people you think they are, to the death of a family member and the reconciliation between mother and child. And through all the journies, through all the events, the losses, the gains, I am here at home finally breathing once again. I sit here, sipping my wine, looking at the boy that proves himself and his love to me over and over and the boy that I know that I could not live with out. I am looking back on what has happened and what has changed, and I can only walk away from it changed and more adult, better.
So may God watch above the man that lost his life, but gained a soul in the clouds of HEaven. May God create happiness for as long as possible for two people not ready for the sacrament of marriage and may he watch over all the people on this earth mourning my uncles death for he was a beloved and cherished man, loved and needed.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
every second
This last week has been one of many revelations. It has shown me a number of things that have only made me believe deeper in all that I have going on in my life. In the past few days, I realized that I have truly found the love of my life, and he is everything that I see in my future and everything that I find myself loving. He is the other half of every piece of me and through him, everything makes sense. I've realized that while I love this town I used to call home, while the place I grew up in will always be a huge part of my life, it is not my calling for the years to come. It is a place that will always hold my heart, but a place that I will not call my own again in my life. THere is nothing wrong with other people wanting this as their home, it's just simply not for me, simply not what I want for my own life.
And I watched as people my age and older have acted like we were back in high school, creating drama, breaking up with boyfriends over stupid little dramatic things just to get attention, creating identities that are not who they are, just to fit in with the crowd. And they are living the life that I have found is not for me, living a life that I have never wanted for myself, nor will I want it, nor does it appeal to me.
This weekend has affirmed my beliefs, showed me that my instincts are right, and that all that I am, all that I stand for is truly who I am, I am not putting on a show for anyone or trying to fit in, I have found myself and I have found that when you truly become comfortable with who you are and what you believe in, that the world is at your fingertips.
I am so blessed for what I have in my life and for the people that I love so dearly. I have such big plans for my life, and lately I have realized that even though I have all these plans, the only thing that truly matters is the one boy that will always have my heart and my relationship with him. Because in the end, he is my other half and he is the reason that I wake up each morning, and breathe every breath before I sleep. He is the reason life is worth every second that it is.
And I watched as people my age and older have acted like we were back in high school, creating drama, breaking up with boyfriends over stupid little dramatic things just to get attention, creating identities that are not who they are, just to fit in with the crowd. And they are living the life that I have found is not for me, living a life that I have never wanted for myself, nor will I want it, nor does it appeal to me.
This weekend has affirmed my beliefs, showed me that my instincts are right, and that all that I am, all that I stand for is truly who I am, I am not putting on a show for anyone or trying to fit in, I have found myself and I have found that when you truly become comfortable with who you are and what you believe in, that the world is at your fingertips.
I am so blessed for what I have in my life and for the people that I love so dearly. I have such big plans for my life, and lately I have realized that even though I have all these plans, the only thing that truly matters is the one boy that will always have my heart and my relationship with him. Because in the end, he is my other half and he is the reason that I wake up each morning, and breathe every breath before I sleep. He is the reason life is worth every second that it is.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
In my Heart
Alone again and suddenly I realize how much I miss you. Suddenly, knowing tonight will be longer than usual, knowing that life is different somehow, makes me realize what we have. I know we are not apart in hearts, but in space, we are very far apart for a while. We are torn by commitments, keeping those regardless of how we feel. But that's the kind of people we are, and that's precisely why I love you like I do.
Tonight would be the perfect night at the river front, the perfect night for "I love you," the perfect night to fall asleep in your arms, tonight though, we are apart. So for tonight my love, keep me in your heart, as you are in mine, and once again, we will be alright.
Tonight would be the perfect night at the river front, the perfect night for "I love you," the perfect night to fall asleep in your arms, tonight though, we are apart. So for tonight my love, keep me in your heart, as you are in mine, and once again, we will be alright.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
standing up
I've been thinking a lot lately, reflecting on the past couple of months. It seems like all of a sudden I'm in a different place than a lot of my friends are, not that that's bad, but suddenly it's hitting me. I am right where I want to be, I am not really that dependent on my parents other than my rent, which any more is just a technicality and not really what I want anyways. I have found out lately, I can take care of myself, I can handle things, I can financially handle things without asking them for money, without them giving me any.
I am on my own, making my own decisions without family influence for the most part. I am living my own life, doing my own thing and I'm not ashamed of anything that I've done or do every day. I am living my life how I want to, doing it on my own, growing up and I'm better off for it. So many times we rely so much on the people that we grew up with and we rely on their decisions more than we rely on ours that our minds stay closed off to that little world, that little bubble we grew up in.
Personally, getting out of my parents house was the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting out there on my own was what I needed most, what I know now I was supposed to do and life right now couldn't be better. While I want so badly to move in here with Nick, I know that it will happen, that it will come in a few months and all will fall into place.
All I know is that so much of the time we think we are making decisions and choices on our own but in reality, all we are doing is relying on our parents more to make them for us. When we stand up to family and portray truly what we want, it gives you more character than anything else in the world. It's then that you are truly an adult.
I am on my own, making my own decisions without family influence for the most part. I am living my own life, doing my own thing and I'm not ashamed of anything that I've done or do every day. I am living my life how I want to, doing it on my own, growing up and I'm better off for it. So many times we rely so much on the people that we grew up with and we rely on their decisions more than we rely on ours that our minds stay closed off to that little world, that little bubble we grew up in.
Personally, getting out of my parents house was the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting out there on my own was what I needed most, what I know now I was supposed to do and life right now couldn't be better. While I want so badly to move in here with Nick, I know that it will happen, that it will come in a few months and all will fall into place.
All I know is that so much of the time we think we are making decisions and choices on our own but in reality, all we are doing is relying on our parents more to make them for us. When we stand up to family and portray truly what we want, it gives you more character than anything else in the world. It's then that you are truly an adult.
Monday, July 23, 2007
me
I feel so much like a flower with almost all petals gone, worn down to the last layer of skin, the last piece of petal that exists on this stem of a life that I live. I feel as if, anymore, I have nothing to hold on to, as if I have nothing to guard me from what comes next. And as much I as seem to put on a brave face and go on living as I am, inside I feel so broken, so alone. It feels like I literally have a million things going on right now and every time I turn around, another person leaves me behind or hurts me, whether knowingly or not. And I can't take anymore hurt, I can't take anymore tears, I can't take anymore of this treatment, because I deserve more, I am more.
I am broken, falling, missing the petals that make me who I am. I am lost, alone and scattered. And for the first time in a long while, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't have the energy to go on like this, so I will sit idly by and hope for the storm to pass. I don't have the time or the patience to do this anymore so I'm going to figure it out on my own. Because in the end, lately, I've realized all you really can every count on is yourself.
I am broken, falling, missing the petals that make me who I am. I am lost, alone and scattered. And for the first time in a long while, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't have the energy to go on like this, so I will sit idly by and hope for the storm to pass. I don't have the time or the patience to do this anymore so I'm going to figure it out on my own. Because in the end, lately, I've realized all you really can every count on is yourself.
Friday, July 20, 2007
I Can Wait
You know the past few days have been try..ng, the past few weeks actually have been incredibly emotional and all in all, the past few months have been a bit rough. But I've learned one thing through it all, I can at least bring up certain things and discuss them like an adult with the people that I care about. And while I may not understand the reasons behind the answers I get, while I may not agree with them or accept them as my own beliefs, I have to learn that what I do with my life does affect other people, regardless if I want them to or not.
The decision I was making, in the end, hurt too many people in the process and perhaps came upon that big of a choice too fast, but I found out that I had the strength and the support to show me the way I ended up choosing. For now, I will go on the way it is, for now I will be the good daughter, the good child, for now I will do as I am wanted to do, and wait, because what's another six months or a year in the span of a lifetime?
And it's a lifetime I can't wait to start living, but in the span of it all, I can wait.
The decision I was making, in the end, hurt too many people in the process and perhaps came upon that big of a choice too fast, but I found out that I had the strength and the support to show me the way I ended up choosing. For now, I will go on the way it is, for now I will be the good daughter, the good child, for now I will do as I am wanted to do, and wait, because what's another six months or a year in the span of a lifetime?
And it's a lifetime I can't wait to start living, but in the span of it all, I can wait.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
deep city lights
here in the concrete town that shelters me,
here without reason,
here without answers,
I give my heart to you,
open and free and scarred.
here without question,
without a way for me to get it back,
here without friends or foes,
apart from family,
apart from soul,
here is my heart for you to keep.
here in this world that shines at night,
i am finding reasons i never knew existed,
i am finding my heart beneath the sheets that soon
may be ours, beneath the hearts that once ran wild.
here in the concrete town that gives its heart at night
to the river below, in the world that dreams create
and realities only cease,
i give my heart,
i give my hand,
i give my soul.
here without reason,
here without answers,
I give my heart to you,
open and free and scarred.
here without question,
without a way for me to get it back,
here without friends or foes,
apart from family,
apart from soul,
here is my heart for you to keep.
here in this world that shines at night,
i am finding reasons i never knew existed,
i am finding my heart beneath the sheets that soon
may be ours, beneath the hearts that once ran wild.
here in the concrete town that gives its heart at night
to the river below, in the world that dreams create
and realities only cease,
i give my heart,
i give my hand,
i give my soul.
Monday, July 16, 2007
needs
I suddenly feel alone, all alone. My best friend is making a decision for herself this summer, a decision that is effecting me as well and without her, I feel like in a way I am being left behind, lost, abandoned. And while I know its what she thinks she needs, personally I don't think it is. And all at the same time, I need a change, I need to move on from where I am now and everything seems stale. And suddenly all I want is to leave, begin a new part of my life.
And while I sit here, I feel like everything I want right now, everything I need, will not happen to me for a long time. Why am I constantly the one that does everything right and end up getting punished in the end? How is that fair, how is that right? I want so badly to do the things that I want, to make my decisions, but in the end, I never can because too many other people tell me now, that this isn't the right time, that this is wrong.
I want someone to answer yes, to want to be with me, to want me to have what i want. I want so much from my life and I feel like right now, no one will let me make the choices I know are right... no one will let me do what I want with my life.
And while I sit here, I feel like everything I want right now, everything I need, will not happen to me for a long time. Why am I constantly the one that does everything right and end up getting punished in the end? How is that fair, how is that right? I want so badly to do the things that I want, to make my decisions, but in the end, I never can because too many other people tell me now, that this isn't the right time, that this is wrong.
I want someone to answer yes, to want to be with me, to want me to have what i want. I want so much from my life and I feel like right now, no one will let me make the choices I know are right... no one will let me do what I want with my life.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Believing Again
When I stopped believing you called my bluff, when I started crying to made me stop and wiped away my tears. When my heart hurt you found the only cure to the starving sensation in my heart. I needed love when I couldn't find any, just like I needed a boy when you suddenly appeared. And sitting here, looking around at the photographs of us, in this home we've created, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, I wouldn't want anyone else. I look back through the memories, back through the tough times, the best times, the days I've fallen in love with you over and over again. And as life continues to overwhelm me, it always continues to grasp me in its grip, and hold it tight.
Baby, you appeared in a time in my life when nothing made sense, when every morning I awoke to wonder who I was. And suddenly, one boy changed everything, one word, one kiss, one life, one love, you. And in just a few years of our lives, we've come to be people we live with out, we've come to be lovers living a life for each other and finding ourselves within the process. I love you more than these words can say... thanks for showing me I could believe again.
Baby, you appeared in a time in my life when nothing made sense, when every morning I awoke to wonder who I was. And suddenly, one boy changed everything, one word, one kiss, one life, one love, you. And in just a few years of our lives, we've come to be people we live with out, we've come to be lovers living a life for each other and finding ourselves within the process. I love you more than these words can say... thanks for showing me I could believe again.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
When It Rains, It Pours
They say that when it rains it pours, the problem is, I love the rain, as long as I don't have to in the middle of the storm. I like to be the one perched beside my open window, touching each drop as it falls but only for a moment. Perhaps that is the problem lately, each drop has been pouring not into my hand, but directly onto me. I have seemed to be in the middle of the enormous rain storm that has hit, alone in the middle of a desert, unsure of what to do with all the rain pouring down from the supposed Heavens above. In the past month of so it seems like it has been a constant storm, this after that, pouring down all at once barely supporting the lifeless body that captures me now. And finally, along this lonely stretch of solitude, I found my way again through love, and yet once again, hit hard with something that hits way too close to home.
And if people think I have a lot on my mind, they have no idea because there is more than anyone even knows. My mind only continues to hold onto more information and lately none of it has been good... none of it worth a second of time. News keeps piling up, things keep happening, things arriving late, hassles to take care of, fights, making up and finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, then today.
Only a few know of what is happening, only the few I trust the most... but even though I might laugh about it, I am scared inside and unsure of how to handle it. I don't know where this puts me, grand-daughter once removed or grandfather never seen again, shunned away. I am lost in my mind once again and unsure of the next route to take. I guess I've always said I loved the rain, but more than the rain itself, I guess I liked the vision of it, never hitting too close to home and now that it has, all I want are sunny skies.... but then again, is that real life? I guess not.
And if people think I have a lot on my mind, they have no idea because there is more than anyone even knows. My mind only continues to hold onto more information and lately none of it has been good... none of it worth a second of time. News keeps piling up, things keep happening, things arriving late, hassles to take care of, fights, making up and finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, then today.
Only a few know of what is happening, only the few I trust the most... but even though I might laugh about it, I am scared inside and unsure of how to handle it. I don't know where this puts me, grand-daughter once removed or grandfather never seen again, shunned away. I am lost in my mind once again and unsure of the next route to take. I guess I've always said I loved the rain, but more than the rain itself, I guess I liked the vision of it, never hitting too close to home and now that it has, all I want are sunny skies.... but then again, is that real life? I guess not.
Monday, July 09, 2007
where?
I miss whole heartedly believing in love. I miss knowing that the butterflies will arise and I miss the smallest things that love has to offer. I miss the urge to kiss him, I miss the inconvenient dates and movie nights. I miss the awkward seating, the flare of love at the beginning. I miss those first kisses, and the first time you hold hands with someone you really know you care about. I miss getting exciting at his phone calls, and I miss the way I used to feel when I had nothing else to do but do nothing with him. I miss the sudden treats, the surprises in the rain. i miss surprises.
I miss knowing that it's real. I miss never doubting myself, and I miss the times when I didn't question everything. I miss the romance, the real romance, not the imitations we play on now. I miss the way you looked at me, i miss the way nothing seemed too important when we were together. I miss the feeling of being in love, the feeling everyone else noticed too. I miss those first I love you's, then not overused, then they were truly real and meant. I miss just laying next to you, not having to nag or ask you to put stuff away. I miss not caring about anything when I was with you. I miss the days when you actually cared to do everything before you saw me, so we'd have time together.
I miss knowing love was perfect, I miss knowing we were invincible. I miss that anxiety before seeing you and I miss the special surprises, not the ones that are now cliche, but the ones when you asked me if it was raining, when you ran all over town just to get me my orchid for my birthday. I miss the moments when all I want to do is be with you, no fights, not arguments, no hastle. I miss you being you, I miss myself being with you. I miss walking with you, and the times when you did all you should do on your own without being asked to do it. I miss never having to ask you to do anything. I miss your touch, that gentle caress that means more than me having to ask you for it. I miss those times when I was the only thing in your life that mattered, no cameras, no computers, just me.
And in the end I know we didn't mean for it all to end up like this. I know we didn't mean for all of this to go out the window, but it did. All of the special things that made us special are gone, not lost, but gone. And in the end, all I can hope for is that you'll read this tomorrow and miss them too. Because my love, where did we go wrong?
I miss knowing that it's real. I miss never doubting myself, and I miss the times when I didn't question everything. I miss the romance, the real romance, not the imitations we play on now. I miss the way you looked at me, i miss the way nothing seemed too important when we were together. I miss the feeling of being in love, the feeling everyone else noticed too. I miss those first I love you's, then not overused, then they were truly real and meant. I miss just laying next to you, not having to nag or ask you to put stuff away. I miss not caring about anything when I was with you. I miss the days when you actually cared to do everything before you saw me, so we'd have time together.
I miss knowing love was perfect, I miss knowing we were invincible. I miss that anxiety before seeing you and I miss the special surprises, not the ones that are now cliche, but the ones when you asked me if it was raining, when you ran all over town just to get me my orchid for my birthday. I miss the moments when all I want to do is be with you, no fights, not arguments, no hastle. I miss you being you, I miss myself being with you. I miss walking with you, and the times when you did all you should do on your own without being asked to do it. I miss never having to ask you to do anything. I miss your touch, that gentle caress that means more than me having to ask you for it. I miss those times when I was the only thing in your life that mattered, no cameras, no computers, just me.
And in the end I know we didn't mean for it all to end up like this. I know we didn't mean for all of this to go out the window, but it did. All of the special things that made us special are gone, not lost, but gone. And in the end, all I can hope for is that you'll read this tomorrow and miss them too. Because my love, where did we go wrong?
Sunday, July 08, 2007
intentions
When the night wears down, the wind starts up and the darkness captures the skycraping towers that I know, I come home to this place alone and wash the city off my face. I find myself here tonight, suddenly clearing all the doubt from my mind, suddenly erasing every shred of question that I've created for myself in the past few months. And while the last few months have been such and ups and downs, I can't believe how far we've come, how much we've been through together, how much we've accomplished and hurt together. Even now, you are the one I think of when you are gone. Even now, when I am alone and calm, even now when I look at out this beautiful city we both love so much, I still hold dear in my heart how much I still feel for you. And in the past month I have questioned a lot, worn weak from all that's happened, I wasn't sure that this is truly what I wanted, that this was truly what was right for me. But I know now, this break is all I needed, this time alone, to think, to watch, to breathe. The streets are quiet and so is my heart, my thoughts quieted by the absence of the streetcar and my heart warmed by the city lights surrounding my mind.
I do know that you are the person I am meant to be with. You are the boy that I need, the boy that created who I am now. I never thought I'd be the person that needed someone to be happy with her life, but love has changed me, life has changed me in the past couple of years. And you are my future, I do know that now. I ask only one thing of you my love: please let me question things, for that is the only way I will find the answers I am looking for. Please let me let go in order for you to catch me, it's how my heart works, always has, always will.
So lately, it is in my questioning that I have learned to find more truth about my life, in my questioning that I have found more about myself and more about the life I know I am intended to live.
I do know that you are the person I am meant to be with. You are the boy that I need, the boy that created who I am now. I never thought I'd be the person that needed someone to be happy with her life, but love has changed me, life has changed me in the past couple of years. And you are my future, I do know that now. I ask only one thing of you my love: please let me question things, for that is the only way I will find the answers I am looking for. Please let me let go in order for you to catch me, it's how my heart works, always has, always will.
So lately, it is in my questioning that I have learned to find more truth about my life, in my questioning that I have found more about myself and more about the life I know I am intended to live.
Monday, June 25, 2007
A Bottle of Wine and a Sad Country Song
Do you ever find yourself watching from a distance? I get lost watching you from across the room, I find my heart racing when you smile my way. You are a dream that lasts forever, you are silent black and white movie that ends happily every single time. You are the one that shows me which path is right, the one that sacrifices it all so that I may have my rain. You are my rain. You are my riverfront view and a stormy afternoon with nothing to do. You are my weekends away and my Paris. You are a fabulous glass of wine and you are the only person that has ever wanted to know this much about my soul. You are my everything.... without you at the end of the day, I am nothing but another girl at home with a bottle of wine and a sad country song.
Just for Me
There is someone waiting for me in the rain,
someone smiling as the sun passes
through my eyes,
and as the street fills up momentarily for the traffic to pass.
There is someone waiting for me to look their way,
someone waiting all day to see me for the first time,
and then whisk me away to the home we have created.
There is someone that holds my hand no matter how cold
it may be and feeds my deepest aspirations.
There is someone waiting for me in the rain,
in the damp city streets,
someone that knows the fall changes me,
that knows how much the rain cures me.
There is someone waiting for me,
just for me.
someone smiling as the sun passes
through my eyes,
and as the street fills up momentarily for the traffic to pass.
There is someone waiting for me to look their way,
someone waiting all day to see me for the first time,
and then whisk me away to the home we have created.
There is someone that holds my hand no matter how cold
it may be and feeds my deepest aspirations.
There is someone waiting for me in the rain,
in the damp city streets,
someone that knows the fall changes me,
that knows how much the rain cures me.
There is someone waiting for me,
just for me.
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