in my own time~

Insecurity is a large, overwhelming word in itself, not even mentioning the feeling it portrays. And at this age, when I am not a little girl anymore, but not really a woman yet, it's hard to accept who I am, how I look and the reasons why some things happen and some things don't. Like most girls my age, and ages younger and older, insecurities are something that are a constant factor in every day life. And for the first time in my life, I am making this known to all that are close to me, for the first time in my life I feel like I can tell people that I have insecurities just like everybody else. There are things I hate about myself, parts of my body I am uncomfortable with and parts of my life that I feel insecure about.

Those things are a part of me, they always will be, I just have to learn to deal with them, which is perhaps the hardest part. I think much of the time, like everyone says, that people don't even notice the little things I do or react to them the way I do. But that doesn't matter, I still see them, I still feel them, I still have to deal with them. WHen they say, don't worry about it, it only makes it worse because then I do worry about it. Then I do focus on it when I see myeslf in the mirror or worry about what other people think. It's something that I have to work on, something I need to do on my own. You have to realize that every time you turn me down, every time you make a joke about how I look, everytime you say something I take it personally, I take it to heart, I take it as you noticing a flaw. And the thing is, I have to get over it, I have to deal with it, but I have to do it on my own, and without anyone's help. But you have to realize, I will always have some aspect of it, I will always hate part of myself, or be worried about if other people are noticing it too.

Insecurity is part of me, part of life... i just have to deal with it in my own way, in my own time...

Sanity

Tonight, there is hope for the lost,
sincerity for the unkind-hearted,
shelter for all those without.
Tonight, there is a moment for the restless,
a star through the clouds,
a drink for the thirsty and food for all that hunger.

Tonight there is hope,
tonight there is a moment to simply sit and relax,
to find peace again after the storm has blown through.
Tonight, I am me again,
i have hope again,
I am sane again.

overwhelmed and scared~ welcome to my moment

We go through life just hoping to make it to the next milestone. Hoping that our weddings will truly last forever, hoping that the person we fall in love with at 19 is the person that will make us smile for the rest of our lives. We meet people and then lose them, we lose people to death and to distance and tears, so many tears will fall from our eyes as we go through our lives. Even here and now, tears fall from my own eyes, not quite sure what mourning they are taking but sure enough that it all means something. We get in routines, in ruts, in times when tears are all we have. And we have to let them fall... tear drop stained pages of our lives are what will make the most impact in the time we have here.

I am the lucky one, I am the one that truly has nothing to complain about, though I've had my fair share of tears. I've never lost someone to death that I'm extremely close to, never watched someone leave our realm. I know of those that have lost brothers to accidents, boyfriends to stupidity, girlfriends to something totally out of our control, mothers and fathers to sickness, friends to drugs, alcohol and so much more. And I can't imagine the hurt it would cause me, the pain that I would endure by losing someone close to me. I don't think I would make it through the same as I am, I don't think I could handle that. And every day that something reminded you of them would kill you all over again. I honestly don't think I would recover, I don't think my eyes would be able to even cry anymore, for even that emotion would be too overwhelming to me.

And then we come to talk of the end. The end of life, the end of a love, the end of an era. Tonight, something ended, something that had a great deal of meaning to me. Something that has many memories rooted in my past, friends I've lost both to distance, contact, and to greater things like drugs and lives that are rocking on the edge. Tonight, it is not just a tv show that is gone, tonight it's an era that is gone forever. Tonight, something that I remember growing up to is gone, something that I could relate to, something that so many of us could relate to is gone. It's almost as if I lost a friend tonight,

But then again, life goes on. Sometimes we find that the ending is also a new beginning... sometimes that boy we fall in love with at 19 really is the one we will want to spend the rest of our lives with. Somtimes the people we lost become more a part of us than those that are around us. Sometimes all we need is to cry a little, give a little and then move on. Sometimes life gets too overwhelming and there's no one to hear our cries for help. Sometimes we need to just breathe, slow down and stop for a moment. And as a very smart character named Carrie once said," I've done the merri go round, I've done the revolving door, I've finally found someone I want to stand still with. Will you stand still with me for a moment?" So here I am, asking the same question,

"Will you keep me as I am, hold me tight when I cry, and love me no matter what? Will you take a moment to stand still with me and hear my cries?"

I love you... and I hope you can always love me too.

just remember....

Sometimes life can get a little overwhelming. Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and behind in our lives, let chaos overtake us instead of enjoying the moments. So here's a few little reminders of amazing things we encounter every day:

.there is nothing more beautiful than the first sign of spring
.a giggle with a friend can mean more than anything else
.you have to realize, this is just the beginning of another day
.you have that choice to take every chance or let it pass you by
.there is always tomorrow
.having someone to love is the best feeling in the world, thank them for loving you when you get a chance and appreciate them for who they are and what they do
.a weekend with a parent, brother or sister, family member that you haven't seen in a while will mean the world to them just to spend time with you
.remember, someone always has it worse
.and someone will always have it better
.there is no need to know everything that happens behind closed doors, let it be and move on
.learn everything you can, life is one huge classroom with teachers coming in and going
.what you have, be thankful for it
.sometimes all you need to do to relax and slow down, is to read your favorite poem or quote and remember, those people had it tough too
.remember that this is the not the end, but while we're here, we might as well make it worth while
.sometimes, one song can make your day special
.life is so short, don't rush it along, as much as we'd all like to
.spend your money on things you want, but don't go overboard, keep yourself grounded
.spend a night with girlfriends, wine and sex and the city and you'll realize how lucky you are to have friends that make each day special
.take a break from school or work one day, and do something you want to do
.when you are someplace you will never be again, take a mental picture and go there in your head every few weeks when you're stressed
.keep dreams going throughout your life, even if you might never achieve them
.don't be afraid to love someone that might not love you back, remember: they are the ones missing out
.get excited about small things, you'll be happier in the end
.try to overcome issues about your body, someday you'll look back and think, "damn, i looked good."
.remember that intelligence is something that no one can ever take away from you, embrace it and use your brain
.when you find someone in your life that you love, don't let them get away
.there is nothing better in the world than having friends that know everything about you and that love you anyways
.there is nothing wrong with being a little immature sometimes, but sometimes, is the key word
.when someone asks you to dance, take the offer
.if the oppurtunity arises for you to accomplish your dreams, take it with outstretched arms
.keep your morals in mind, but don't let them overcompensate
.find something you believe in, whether it be faith, religion, love or anything else, and hold on to, it will never let you down
.when someone needs help, help them... sometimes just a smile will help someone in ways you didn't even know possible
.tears are the way God made to have our emotions shut off and reboot... cry! it might ruin your makeup, but it will cleanse the soul
.laugh!
.remember the past is the past, you are the way you are because of it, but it has nothing to do with where you are now or are going
.chocolate can cure anything, from emotional break downs to a day gone all wrong
.do the best you can on everything, you never know when it might be your oppurtunity for something else
.love with all you have, laugh every day and smile becasue today is a miracle and it's worth it...

Together~~~~

Here I am, the same feeling I always get when I'm here: alone, worthless, a ghost in their new lives. I am home this weekend, well home meaning in my parents new house in their new life, with nothing of mine except the few belongings I brought with me. And all I can think about is how I want to be at home, how I wish I were with him, laying beside him, watching our show together and cuddling underneath the abundance of blankets. I miss him. More than anything.

Here I am again, feeling nothing familiar, in a cold house, with a distant mother, father and brother, in a life I never knew surrounded by people and places I never knew but must endure anyway. I miss the familiarity of him, I miss the long evenings doing nothing, the days when we could run errands and be together. I miss you my love... more each and every minute that passes. You have been on my mind and on my lips all night, speaking of you, thinking of you. I should feel secure at home, yet all I feel when I am here is a need to be with you, a need to be back at my home, at our home, together and a need to feel safe in your arms, warm in your embrace, and needed in our life together.

why them?

It seems that lately in life there are things happening all around me. And lately especially, those things are making me wonder when I'll be able to have that, when my life will be able to be like that. My closest friends are one by one moving on, making futures themselves, they are getting married, having kids, moving in with their significant others. They are making choices that I wish I could be making. And while I know that I am in no way ready to get married, I am ready for that next level of commitment. I am ready to do it on my own and to make decisions together, to become more a part of each other's individual lives. I wish so badly that I could, everyday I wish that I could find a way around it, that my parents wouldn't be so against it, so neglecting of it.

My whole life I've done what's expected, I've followed the rules, I've done everything right, gotten good grades, made good decisions and did things to the best that I could, so why is it now they don't trust my decisions? Why is it now they put the foot down, now that they decide I can't do that or they shut me off? It seems ironic, for after all, why did I do it all those years to please them if it has no pay off in the end?

I feel so much like those friends are passing me by, that they are getting to experience things I might never experience or that might be a long time until I get them. And I could not be happier for them, I couldn't express my enjoyment more in hearing their stories, how life is for them. But somewhere still, in the back of my mind, I feel like I might miss out. I feel like I am missing out, like they are moving on quicker, better. I know I'm young, I knkow I have a lot of growing left to do, but why them and not me?

How long do you go following everyone else's rules? How long do you go without following your heart, without jumping at every chance you get. How long does life go on like this, living pay check to pay check, never being able to jump on a plane and wake up in a new city, a new country, a new continent. Why can't life be a series of chances? Why can't we jump at all of them? We can't because too many people in our lives are telling us no and laughing at our ambitions.

I for one will say right here and now that I will move around the world, I will live in Paris, I will live and work oversseas for a number of years, I will return to the states and accomplish every dream I've ever had. I swear it to myself, to all those that doubt me. My dreams are what defines me, my ambition what pushes me. Someday I will look back on this piece and I will smile, knowing that my ambitions were challenged, my goals reached,, my dreams achieved. Hopefully all those that I love so much will support the dreams I've always had, hopefully they will be there by my side, supporting all the choices I make, however rash they might seem.

Life is too short to waste it on ignorance or on not going after what you want. I will go after all that I want, I will achieve all the goals I have set. Just wait and see.... all those that have given into a life of ordinary days, all those that have given into all that they never wanted, you deserve more... take a chance!

Life Lessons

The way the bubbles peak upon the water in the bathtub.
The way you smile when you're sad.
My pink blanket.
Golfing at sunset.
Curling up when it's raining outside.
Laughing with friends you feel you've known all your life.
Calling someone your best friend even when you only see them once a year.
Relating to someone you'll probably never hang out with.
Sharing secrets with an aunt.
The way my pink walls look from the street.
Doing something you're not supposed to.
Lying to your parents even though what you're doing isn't really wrong.
A phone call with my Grandma.
The way you pay so much attention to what you write.
The way I can feel my life changing, moving on.
That feeling I'll never forget, that feeling of resentment towards my father I used to have and that I'll always feel a bit of.
The dream that wakes you up and makes you wonder why you had it.
The friend that's lost in a world of drugs and sex that you cannot get her out of.
The way the candles burn until they burn out.
A TV show that brings you into its world.
Saying something I shoudln't to someone I shouldn't.
A much needed vacation when you're at your breaking point.
The Eiffel Tower in the next room, knowing I'll return there someday.
The thought of packing everything up and flying somewhere exotic.
Knowing that at the end of the day, I'll always have you to come home to.
The way we like all the same things and hate all the same things.
The sound of the wind against the window.
Being so cold is hurts but knowing there's a warm blanket for me at home.
Managing to always lose one glove.
The way life works out when you least expect to.
The moments when you think everything is lost and two seconds later, everything is found.

i love you because....

I don't know why I doubted you. I don't know why I doubted us. Somewhere in my mind I guess I didn't realize what I had, I guess I was scared of who I would become, of what I would become. I guess life got in the way of me and you. I guess I was wrong, no. I KNOW I was wrong. Life came at me from all directions these past few months and time went by that I struggled with all that I had to do but it was always you that I came back to, always you that I could call, always you that would hold me when the times got tough. I think our love grew through the rough patches, through the moments when I broke down and you fixed me back up, patched up the areas that left scars and held my hand as I moved on. I'm going to take this from you: but somwhere inside I really do feel like I've always loved you, like you've always been with me,, like you've always known me like you know me now.

I don't want life to get hectic and sweep us away from the world we've created. I don't want life to take away from what we have and I know it won't. With you, I'd go through anything because I know you'd be there for me at the other end. Please know that no matter how chaotic life gets, how emotionally broken I become, I will never stop loving you. You are the other part of my heart and the air that I breath.

My heart still flutters when you walk through that door, still smiles when I hear your voice and when you hold my hand, everything bad in the world goes away. Thank you for listening, for doing as i ask and for going along on my crazy tangents and emotional breakdowns. You are the strongest person I know and you are never to fragile for me, no matter how hurt you are inside. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You complete me, you are me, and I you. I love you more than words can say.

you truly are ..... brilliant.

"Amazing"

There are moments when all your hope is lost. Moments when suddenly nothing makes sense, brief moments that perhaps linger a bit too long on the mind and too much is read into them. I have these moments, I do. But then, just as I think everything is falling apart you come through and amaze me once again. You are the rock I hold onto as the storm billows through, you are the reason I keep walking everyday on through my life and through the world. You are the one who will hold my hand even when I'm furious at you, you are the one that makes me smile even when you're dying inside. You are the one that changed me beyond all that I thought possible.

I love you. I always will. And I'm sorry for doubting you, for doubting us. But that's just me, that's just how my mind works, I question things all the time. But you are the reason that I know this is real, the reason I know that life is supposed to happen like this. You are my reason for life and for love. Thank you. I love you beyond anything I ever thought was possible to love this much, I love you more than I ever knew I could.

thank you.
you are amazing.

Test

This is a test. Something to see if the words are real to you. An ode to someone, to someone that I love very much. I love the way you caress my hair when we're laying watching TV, the way you look when you're so tired you can barely keep your eyes open. I love the way you get so excited about making me dinner and the way you always make sure I'm warm and covered with a million blankets. I love the small random im's when I don't expect it and I love how you'd drive downtown to pick me up at 2 am from work. I love the way you look when you're really concentrating on something and the expression you get on your face right when you're about to sneeze. I love when you just come up and do the dishes without having me ask and how you light candles and draw me a bath when you really know I need it. I love how you make me do things even when I say I don't want to but secretly really do and I love how you know everything about me, and how you'll lay with me and just relax whenever I ask to.

I do miss the way we used to be too though. I do miss how you used to leave stuff at my place and call it your home. I miss the icards in the morning or the random notes next to the bed. I do miss the random trips to the riverfront in the middle of the afternoon and the way it used to be when I didn't have to fight about the petty things. I miss how you used to come in a kiss me and ask me how my day went or how you used to show up and surprise me with frosties. I miss the surprises and the subtle gestures. I miss the gin games and being all you cared about. I miss the carefree days and the days when we'd be happy just to be together. I miss so much about how it used to be...

so I guess love moves on from the small subtle gestures in the beginning months, but why does it all have to be lost? I love you so very much, where did all of the romantic gestures go?

plans

I never expected to be here. I never thought my life would be at this point, at this juncture, this moment in time. My whole life I believed that I was going to be that independent single woman, the one with the fancy apartment and the amazing job. I always thought I'd get married, but not this soon in my life, not like I see it happening now. I've never been the girl that fails, the one that acknowledges her fears. I've always gone with the flow, taken the path and seen where it leads me.

But here lies the confession: I am scared. I am scared that life came at me from all angles and that it's too soon. I'm scared that I'm losing that independence I always admired in myself. I'm afriad that what I want to do in my life,what I've always dreamed of doing and all that I had planned will not happen, I'm afriad that what I want will all be washed away in the scope of things. My fears are real and I am confessing to all that will listen. Life seems right at my doorstep, right in front of a girl still trying to accept all that's been dealt to her.

I will say this: I am so deep in love that it scares me sometime, it scares me that it came so fast, it scares me that life moves so quickly. It scares me that love is so fragile, so hard. I want nothing more for my life to begin, but at the same time, it scares me to death to be at that stage.

Storm

Secret storms come over my bones
just to break them by wind and ice.
The swells break upon my skin like tiny
pixels of sand upon a shore, spread as far
as the eye can see. My skin melts at the forceful
heat of the swell, at the rush of water against force
inside of earth and pixelated dirt.

There are moments when all the debris
seems to drown me in my own heap of life.
The days pass on as more swells come
crashing down upon my stolen heart,
my swolen soul and my sweltering heap of a life.
At times, life is too much to bear, too much
to hold upon my tiny shoulders that bear too many
scars already. The storms of youth are still
present among the days I live.

Why is it so heavy, so deep, so tragic, dramatic?
Life was not meant to be Hell,
yet so many days, the fires burn so brightly in my mind
that it seems my days are that of Hell,
bright,
dying,
warm,
and finally,
dead.

home

There will be always something that captures me about the place I grew up. Well one of the places, the accessible place that I grew up. There will always be a memory there that I cannot capture anywhere else in the world. And while, I have a very large part of my history there, I don't want to live there, partially because I want my future to be written in new and unimaginable worlds. But having that place there and knowing that it will always be there for me to have, is a comfort in some way. Having that place in my memories, having that place mean so much to me, makes it all the more special to visit, to spend some down time and to retreat to in times of chaos.

Perhaps that's why it's so fitting that he is from there. Perhaps that's why it's so perfect that we are together, because those things mean the same to both of us. A home that we'll always have, in one way or another, a home that means the most to both of us. The things is though, this city is our home, all to ourselves, but the momories we have of our old home will never be forgotten. Life throws things at us each and every day so it's nice I have him and our memories to hold onto while we're in the whirlwind of the present day happenings in this city we call our home.

The Moment between Bliss and Existance

The city blinds me tonight,
the lights shining from all sides
around me,
every angle proves to be symmetrical,
perfect.

The city makes me smile tonight,
the moment in between bliss and existance,
so happy I could float up on the night clouds
above the steel bridge at midnight,
sitting atop the tower watching all go by.

And then you come along,
walking in from light,
out from bliss.
You are all that makes me whole,
and our city is truly brilliant,
truly whole,
truly right.

It's ours,
like nothing
else ever has been.

You

and

Me.

Here in this concrete town we both love.

Safe

You never doubt the rain,
never doubt when it will come,
when it will go.

You always know when I'll be ok,
when I won't, when I never will be again.

You have my strength,
I gave you that, the moment we met,
because I knew that
my doubts would haunt me,
so I gave my faith to you,
to keep me save.

And so you have so brilliantly.

And so
you
have kept me safe.

rubbage

The leaves have turned to dust. I guesss I have as well. Moments last too long on the golden highway home, and love hurts as its scent lingers in the air. The love that should be in my arms, should be in my soul and my fingertips. The leaves are gone now, washed away with the golden blackened rain and the skies are constantly moving in and out. I suppose my life is like those leaves, once golden, full, brooding toward the home I loved. Anymore, I am not golden leaves, but washed aside roads as the winter comes into salvage what's left of the rain. One moment I was there, silent, golden inside that home that held me close. Now they find me as the dusty rubbage tossed to the side of the road, not worth the time spent to clean them up.

morning

As I turn your face is there,
your eyes are deep and enduring,
like tornados right there on my sheets.
Your hue is almost comforting, just a little more
and you'd be tan.
You're head asleep on the pink makes me safe,
makes me sane.
Waking up, seeing you and curling into your arms
is the safest place I've ever been.

As I turn your face is always there,
next to me as always and comforting as always.
Thank you for loving me,
I never thought I'd be loved like that.

needy

if you know my whole heart,
love me with all you have,
then why aren't you here?

dont you know all i want is to be loved
dont you know that all i need is for you to stand on the corner
in the pouring rain and say you love me,
no more excuses,
no more words of trying or changing,
just heart felt love,
just a moment between you and me,
just one second standing in the pouring rain kissing me.

but i'll never have that,
obviously that must be too hard for someone to do.

why aren't you here,
at the time i honestly really need your love?

Two Loves

I have two boys in my life that mean everything to me. Two that are the closest things to my heart, and two that I would do absolutley anything for. One of them is two hours away from me tonight, one is right here next to me on the couch. Though the guess of who is who is the opposite of what you're probably thinkin right now.

The love of my life, the boy I see myself with years from now, the one who knows more about me than anyone I've ever met. The boy that loves me unconditionally and would give anything to make me happy, the boy I love with everything I have and that I miss everyday when I'm away from him, he is two hours away from me tonight.

But for one reason only: the other boy in my life, my little brother, needs me more tonight. I've never seen him like this, and I know inside his heart is just breaking. I know that inside his soul is dying, slowly as his foot hurts more and more. He is my priority right now... he is healing.

There are two boys that I would do anything for in my life. Two boys that, without them, I would never be the same. To my love, you are the reason I wake up each morning, the reason I go through the days to see you at the end of them. You are the reason I smile and the reason that I live. You are truly a dream come true and I couldn't ask for anything more. To my brother, you will get better I promise. You will make it through this, you will succeed and be back out there in a year from now. You will do it, I know your strength, I know your courage. You have it in you, it might just take some time.

To both of you: I love you both to the very depths of my soul.