WE'LL BE BRILLIANT

In your voice, every cut upon me is healed,
in your eyes, every fear in me is dissolved,,
and in you, my whole heart is totally and completely
immensed in love and hearing you say those things,
say those words to me,
saves me and it truly meant the world,
it made me smile, laugh, know how you feel for real,
and thank you.
It honestly meant so much
and made my fears dissolve, it made my cuts heal,
and it made me love you more.

Here are a few quotes I thought were so intriguing.... had to post them.... and they are so true:

“In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.”
“Love is a gift of one's inner most soul to another so both can be whole.”
“I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you”
“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”
“Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart.”
“There is no feeling more comforting and consoling than knowing you are right next to the one you love.”
“Love is not something your heart falls into, but something that picks it up and sets it soaring.”
“You know that you are in love when the hardest thing to do is say good-bye!!”

~here is to all of you reading this that love someone and are far apart from them; to those that have loved and lost and to those that still are yet to find that love, when you find it hold on to it. love isn't something you can throw away and sometimes in the distance between two people in love, the miles seem endless... but stay strong... if it's true, it'll be okay, like I know we'll be okay, better even, we'll be brilliant....

For once...

For once I'm not worried, I''m not unsure of what will happen to us through this distance because I know our love is true, I know it's for real. And in your voice I am calmed, in your understanding I am justified. You are who I dream about, who I pretend is here beside me as I sleep and who I always want to be with. Tonight, though we are miles away, though in distance some might call us dead, we are far from that. I love you with all my heart and we'll make it, I know we will and we'll come out stronger on the other end. You are my reassurance, you are my strength when I am weak and I love how you know me better than anyone ever has. So here we are, almost three months into the best time of my life, the best 90 days I've ever lived and I am so glad that it's been all with you. For once I'm not worried, I'll wait for the time to come and worry about it then. But looking back and looking ahead, there is no one I would rather be with than you, no one in the entire world. Thank you for understanding, thank you for being you, thank you for loving me and I honestly love you more than I could ever express.

it's killing me

No one sees my tears these days, no one is here to hold me. My dad is off doing who knows what, not caring what goes on here, he's preoccupied with a different life and has no idea what is going on with me. My mom is too busy trying to pick up the slack, too busy trying to be the perfect wife. And I hope and pray that will never happen to me, that I'll never become to busy and overwhelmed trying to be the perfect wife or girlfriend that I lose myself. Because my mom has lost herself, in one form or another, she doesn't know who she is anymore. God help me if that ever happens to me. And my brother is busy on his own doing what he wants. Then here I am, alone in this foreign room, no one taking any innitiative. And while this may seem petty, and it might be, I still hate it. When I cry, no one even knows and no one even cares. No one understands anything about me anymore, they are all too busy doing what they want or need to do, or what everyone thinks they should be doing. All I know is that I can't do this for much longer and I can't be away from you for much longer either.... it's killing me.

COMING TRUE

Wouldn't you like to know what your future holds? To know what you'll do, who you'll be with, where you'll be.... and even though we can dream and wish things happen to us, who knows what will. But that won't stop me from dreaming and wishing about the future that I want. And at some point, those dreams and wishes have to end up coming true. Some of them are meant to come true from the very beginning and some of them we make true for ourselves. Life is a mystery but there are some things that I hope always stay true in my life. But I can't help but think about the mystery of it all? I'd love to know what my future holds.... and I hope some of my dreams and wishes will always be with me and come true...

~What Christmas Really Is~

Today on one of the holiest days of the Christian year, on the day when God himself became a man, and when He was born to save us all, I can't help but think of how Christmas is all about the simple things. For me, Christmas has never been this huge ordeal really, but this Christmas actually taught me something so much more important that any gift-giving ever could. All of last night, my little brother (who actually is 16 and very independent) was extrememly sick. And it hit me that he really needed me last night, he needed me to be by his side and for the first time, I was really worried about him and I had to help him, I had to be beside him. He's not really a child anymore but last night he needed someone by his side and it made me realize that Christmas is not about giving gifts and spending the whole day opening them and trying them out. It is about being there for the people you love. My only Christmas wish is that I could be with the one person I love with all my heart, but I know he is spending the day with the people that love him and that is enough for me to know that he is in good hands. But today, of all days, I think we should realize that Christmas is one of the holiest days of the Christian year and that in itself should be reason to appreciate what we have. But let's spend the day being there for those that we love, no matter how far apart the distance may be between us.

I used to be skeptical...

I used to wonder how love could approach so quickly; I was skeptical of its true power over someone's heart. I used to think love was just a feeling, nothing more. But when you fall in love it is more than that... love does not wait and when it is there, it is there. Love has no boundaries, no rules; it doesn't care who you are and what you're worth. When you fall in love there is no moment when you don't see his face and when your heart is enveloped by the thought of him. Love is missing him every single second he is away and knowing what he feels no matter how far away he might be in distance. It is to be willing to give anything for him and love is worth more than life itself. Love is that moment looking into his eyes and knowing all you want is to be beside him; when he is in your dreams and his face is in your eyes. When love is not just a feeling and when it is all you know, and when everything said or felt reminds you of him, of his words and his touch, then love has touched your heart and captured your soul. I now know how love can approach so quickly and what it feels like to not ever want it to go away.

~going into the dark with him~

when you can lay it all down,
and look down at that sheet,
portraying letters and numbers,
words and sentences that
are foreign to your eyes,
and look at the sun and feel cold,
then you will know you are breathing.
when you can share the dark,
and know that together life is not a lie,
it is a truth,
such a string between your two hearts,
a chain, a tight wire that can be walked on
and still never break.
and this is not a pretty poem,
but it is a profession of what we feel
as we live and love,
and what we do with ourselves when the world
is at our bay,
and when our eyes can no longer see
because the world is too dark around us.
but when we find that honestly
in the world around us,
and the moments when life seems all too dreamlike,
we can heal and recover.
so in this non-pretty poem about life and death,
honeslty and value,
love and loss,
we must read between the lines
and find our souls within them.
i love him with all my heart
and this poem is a profession of what i feel,
he is my heart and my soul
and he has me within his gentle fingertips.
believe me,
life is love when you love someone,
and i will always go willingly into the dark with him.

"my grown up Christmas list"

As Christmas is getting ever so close and I am growing up, I decided to make out a "grown-up Christmas list" and enclose a sort of life list that I want to accomplish. So here it is, honest and truthful, blunt and sincere... this is who I want to be and what I want to do before I die:
1. write a book and publish some of my best poetry
2. marry someone that knows everything about me, that loves me for exaclty who I am and that will always be genuine and will always care for me
3. live in Spain, Morocco or Italy for a little while
4. never stop writing
5. never stop praying
6. to always keep my heart open and not be afraid or hurt enough to have to close it off
7. to get over my fear of goodbye
8. be successful at whatever I choose to do
9. buy my Audi TT: all black/hard top
10. always find the time to be inspired by the small things and always find the time to love

maybe someday

Suddenly, and for the first time in a long while, I feel alone tonight. And even though I'm here with two girls that are pretty close with me, I've realized that we have grown up and we are different. Life is ironic that way; it changes us without us even knowing it. We grow up, choose our own paths and move away from certain things that others choose. And I can say all I want, tell her to do something, what she should really do, but ultimately it's her choice. Nobody listens to me anymore, perhaps because I don't have any idea what I'm talking about, or perhaps because no one cares and they are going to do what they want. I don't know and I don't care, she can do what she wants, ruin her life but I am doing good, I know what I'm talking about and everything is okay; I'm making good decisions. Every moment we live, is a new decision, a new path and whatever we make of it is how it will turn out... who knows... maybe someday someone will hear me.

goodbyes.... (read previous post before reading this)

If you are reading this post, please go down and read the one before this first, you have to understand where I'm coming from and how I'm feeling right now to understand the depth of this one. But right now, I'm sitting here in a foreign room but feel more at home here than I do at my parent's house. Sitting here living out of a suitcase and things all in disarray, but I don't feel scattered. I'm scared, scared to say goodbye tomorrow, scared to walk away from here again and have all those memories of this place come flooding back, I'm scared of what the distance and time will do, I'm scared of what will happen this summer, I'm scared of letting everyone down, of going from the Casey that knows exaclty what to do and how to do it, to a girl that has no idea of where she is going. I'm scared of how my relationship with my dad is progressing, I'm scared of losing him, I'm scared of making a wrong decision, and I'm scared of leaving my past behind. The more I think about it, the the more it all scares me; the more people I see again, the more I worry about them. And the more introductions that I'm a part of, the more I want to be here rather than there with my own family. There is so much I wish I could change but can't, and when will everyone see me truly as an adult and not a child, why does the financial aspect of school and life have to hang over my head like a cat batting at a treat, and when will I be able to truly make all the decisions I want, not worrying about what my parents or family will think. How is it that I seem to always end up losing, end up not having any say in what happens. The first move scarred me, the second one nearly pushed me off the cliff and now, being back here, I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to the place that my parents call "home" now... I'm scared to say goodbye again, it scares me to death. Goodbyes have done nothing but harm me in the past, they have done nothing but bring tears to my eyes and make me question myself. So please, I pray, don't let me be scared of our goodbye because I don't ever want to say goodbye to you.

maybe no body ever will

It's so hard for others to understand the feelings I have, the moments when I'm so scared for tomorrow, and when all I want to do is curl up in my closet and cry. Never in my life did I think leaving something behind would come back over and over again to haunt me, that leaving this place, this home I had would change me so much. And being here again and seeing those people that are the most important in my life, spending time with them and finding my way back around this town I loved so much, I am so scared to face the "home" my parents have now. I'm terrified of being alone in that bedroom, with no one to turn to, everyone living their lives down here and passing me by, leaving me alone to wallow in my own tears and my own insecurities. Christmas is a time when we are supposed to be inspired by time together, a time to spend with those that we love the most and those that are always there for us. And somehow, suddenly, after these two increidlbe and memorable days, I can't help but wonder how I'll feel on Christmas day. Waking up alone in a house that feels foreign, in a bed that feels empty and almost like it's never even been slept in and waking up alone to the ugliness of this city that calls itself my "home." And sure, I'll smile and thank everyone for their gifts, put a smile on my face and act like the world is all ok, but inside, I know I'll be yearning for that safety I only find in one place, for that peace that can only be found here, and for that memory of what a Christmas should be like. You can say all you want about this, call me selfish because I have everything and so many have nothing on Christmas, call me spoiled, call me a brat or a bitch, I don't care. But for once, all I want is for someone to say, "Casey, we understand your side; we see why you are so scarred from this move, we can see how this could affect you." No one gets it, no one understands how two moves like this have made me so scared of that next goodbye, so terrified to drive away and not look back. I'm scared of tomorrow when I have to leave again, when I have to drive away and think of what I'm leaving behind. Life used to be so muchs simpler, decisions easier and moments more amazing.... anymore all I want is to talk to someone and have them understand how I feel... but I'm beginning to think that no one ever will.

~An Immaculate Salvation~

Saving a life is out of the question,
saving a soul on the other hand,
is real;
saving someone's heart can save a life,
and in the way it can give back
something you never thought possible.

Saving the world might be out of the question,
but saving a life can come around in time.
In the chanting of a song,
in the tradition of a mass,
everything can be saved from time to time.

It is possible for love to save you,
it is possible for love to save a life,
or to restore it;
it is possible to save yourself,
to save a heart and a soul from destruction.

Saving yourself might never come about,
but saving someone else is a miracle,
it is a moment that can never be replaced.
Saving the world is not likely,
but helping someone love and in turn loving them,
is by far the most immaculate salvation there is.

a few truths about me

So here as I have just finished my first quarter of college, I have realized that I've changed a lot and that so many of the things I used to be or do are so different now than say from this summer. And I will admit, I was a totally different person this summer but somehow this fall and winter, I have found more of myself and been so happy! Here are a few truths about me, real truths from recent months and how I really feel....
1. I am completely in love and have given every piece of my heart to him
2. I started drinking coffee again and I do love a great Pumpkin Spice Latte
3. Nick and I drink way too much diet coke haha :-)
4. I still only really like dark chocolate
5. Though sometimes, Peaunut M&M's are amazing
6. I might complain about Norah a lot, but honestly she is a good friend, just a little rough around the edges
7. I killed a fish haha
8. The riverfront is still one of my favorite places in the world
9. I don't need alone time anymore, at least never when I'm with Nick
10. My faith has grown
11. I love sitting on my computer and drinking hot chocolate
12. Little surprises make me so happy (frosties, "is it raining?")
13. I like driving long distances; time to think
14. I love to write so, so much
15. This blog is an amazing way for me to let out all my emotion; thank you for reading it
16. I have so many dreams that I hope all come true
17. I miss MEdford a ton!
18. the only place I really feel at home anymore is at my apartment with you
19. I miss Alyssa a lot and love talking to her
20. My nails aren't black that much anymore
21. I wear a scarf and gloves all the time; i'm always cold
22. I love going to the movie with you, because I love to lay in your arms
23. I love our weekends :-) and inside jokes
24. PF Changs and The Burrito Loco are amazing!
25. no tomatoes or onions for me
26. I have found out more about myself
27. I miss running... it's too cold most of the time dang it
28. I love to read curled up by the fire
29. I am really sincerely trying to stop blaming my dad
30. I am always so happy to hear your voice or to see you.... I love you baby....

I DONT' FEEL GUILTY

How is it right to judge someone else and tell them that they are doing something morally wrong? How can some people sit up on their high horses and look down on the world like they are the only ones doing anything right. Morality is a question of merit and of belief, it's different to everyone and no one should be allowed to judge anyone's else's morality, no one should be able to say what someone else believes is wrong and in judging someone else, that person is just ruining his own morality... it doesn't say much for that person. What people do is their own business, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as you are content and happy in what is going on, as long as the intentions are good and the love is there. I don't believe that judging someone else is any answer and I don't believe that judging someone else answers any questions; first of all the people that are judging are the ones that have no idea what they are talking about in the first place. So this is all I have to say and I'm not mad or angry at all, honestly I just hate it when certain people judge others for something they know nothing about. My whole life I have been very good friends with people that have been judged for this or that.... for being a slut or for being a bitch, but you know what, if those people judging actually knew the stories behind why those girls are the way they are, perhaps they would think differently. And I myself have been judged numerous times for the car I drive or the house I lived in, or the things I had and you know what, those people didn't know me at all, they just assumed things before knowing the truth. And it is no different now, if someone judges me for the things I'm doing now and sits up on their high horse telling the world everyone else is wrong and immoral except for them, then they have no idea what morality actually is. Judging someone just because you know nothing of the situation is wrong... no matter what level it's on. And I'm not angry in the least or mad or upset, but inspired, because it makes me step back and see how I truly feel about my own morality and my own conscience... and you know what, I'm pretty damn content with my faith, with my morals and with how I'm living... sure there are things I could improve on, but I'm not ashamed of anything I'm doing and I don't feel guilty either.

Dreaming of a Magical Christmas

the world is quiet and still,
a christmas song on my mind,
and this room is chilly,
though to me it's nothing new,
for i'm always cold.

the season is here,
the advent candles lit every week,
purple, purple, then pink, then purple again,
and a ginger bread house awaits me every morning,
as I wake to make my hot cocoa
and gaze out of the window at the city before me.

and in a moment i smile,
as i realize i could want nothing more.
i have someone to love,
a faith that is strong,
a family that loves me,
a beautiful apartment overlooking an even
more gorgeous city,
and in those blessings,
i am blessed beyond all means.

so this morning as the world is quiet and still,
and i lie here in my warm bed,
a christmas song in my mind,
and my heart longing for him,
i am dreaming of a magical christmas
and thanking God for all I have.

~keep the faith~

An email from old teacher really hit me emotionally this morning, it opened up my eyes to something that I have really missed lately. He is a teacher that I considered to be an amazing mentor and a man that I have tremendous respect for and in the last line of his email, he told me to "always work hard and to keep the faith..."... and what that means is different to every person that may read it. But honestly to me, it hit me as I read that, "always keep the faith," don't leave what your heart longs for, don't give up on that faith that has gotten you through everything. For me, my faith has always been a priority, it has always been a main part of who I am and has gotten me through so much. I don't ever want to lose that faith, I want to keep it a part of me, I want to hold on to it forever... for it has carried me when I have fallen and through my darkest moments, it was my faith I could hold on to, nothing and no one else was there. So here I am sitting here, thinking so deeply about three tiny little words but somehow they hit me harder than anything has for a while. So I will never give up on that faith that has saved me from so much, that faith that has gotten me through the most trying times of my life and suddenly, I can only resort to pray that I never give it up....

....UNTIL MY VERY LAST BREATH

What happens when we're gone, what happens when our world ends, what will we leave behind? Who will I be remembered as, how will those that loved us and that we loved deal with our loss? What happens when our flame burns out? What happens to all those are counting on us to be there, to always be there? What goes through our minds in that last hour of existence, will we cry or smile, will we laugh or weep? And all I can think about as I'm writing this is, is that I used to think I would be ready to go whenever it was my time, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not ready, I don't know if I ever will be now. And here I sit next to candles burning, counting my blessings thinking of a certain girl I know, a girl who has so much going for her, but a girl who is so confused with life and so unsure with herself. And in her, I see myself a few years ago. I see my own uncertainties, I see my own flaws, and my own insecurities. She is so young, so talented, so capable of anything but her heart is hurt, her heart is young, it is unstable. And I care about her with all my heart, she is a friend who I will always be there for. And someday I hope to look at her and see her happy, see her sure of herself and ready to take on her dreams. I hope to see that look of confidence on her beautiful face and to see a heart that is not afraid of loss but certain of possession. I will always be here for her and for everyone that counts on me, I promise myself to be there till the day I die... I will always try to care, try to help, and try to be there no matter what the cost. Though I still wonder how we all will be remembered, what will my legacy be? Life is so uncertain and those we love can be torn from us at any moment, so tell those you love that you love them and I promise I will be there for everyone in my life until my very last moment and until I breathe my very last breath....

~~could they ever~~

i sit here in sweats and my hair up, layers falling down around my face, not caring where they fall, not caring how i look, how i appear... but with you i never feel a wreck. i may be alone at the moment, i may be tired at the moment, i may be in a dark/girly mood, but you are on my mind. and i wonder as i sit here and write this, will they ever have what we have? is it possible to replicate this feeling; is it the same that they feel? i have no idea, i have no clue. all i know is that you are always on my mind and a shiver runs through my body whenever i see you or hear your voice. i could not go a day without hearing your voice, i know that for sure. and baby, my heart is yours; could they ever have what we have?

blessed

someplace tonight the hills are covered in a light dusting of snow, somewhere else the dessert is cold and man is depending on the winds to die down. and here i am, lying on my warm bed in a room overlooking the gorgeous city i love next to someone i love with all my heart and i cannot even express how lucky i am, how blessed i am; what have i done to deserve all this?? so this list is a list of my blessings, a list to remind myself and everyone reading this that we are so blessed here and often times take way too much for granted.... so count your blessings because you don't know what you have until it's completely gone.

1. an incredible guy in my life who I love with all my heart; he is so amazing to me
2. a family who i love and who loves me unconditionally, no matter how hard that is to see sometimes
~my mom: who I would be lost without.... i really do miss her so much and she is such an amazing woman
~Traci: who is my shoulder to cry on and the person that always listens to me no matter what, who treats me like an equal and understands that I am still finding myself and is open to what that may end up being
~my dad: even though we struggle sometimes and our relationship needs work, i love him so much and miss our little inside jokes and stress free days laying around
~my brother: who i love to watch grow up because i know he's a good guy and always will be and i want only the best for him
~my grandma and grandpa: who are always there for me no matter what, who always care about what i'm doing and who i am and want to be a part of my life, which they are a huge part of 3. my friends who have stuck with me throughout the years as well as those who i have only really "known" recently.... i am so blessed that throughout everything i've been through, that we've been through, they have stuck with me and supported me
4. that i can write and know that maybe that writing is saying something to someone somewhere, that it means something even if that someone only happens to be me... it still clears my mind and heart
5. that my faith is stable and though i falter sometimes, i am blessed to have it and to keep it with me always
6. my apartment and my college education
7. my car and computer and ipod and all those material things that many do not have
8. my dreams because i am lucky enough to have people in my life that believe in my dreams and want to help me accomplish them
9. i am blessed to be alive
10. to be healthy and safe
11. i am blessed to have responsibility in my life because with out, who knows where i'd end up
12. to have people reading my writing right now and whether you hate it or like it or are just reading it because you feel like you should, it doesn't matter, thank you and i'm blessed to have people like you in my life in one form or another

There are so many more things that i could come up with that i am so lucky to have if i really could keep going... but thank you for all you do for me, thank you for reading this and for everyone that has touched me in life in some way or another, thank you, because without you, I would be a totally different person.

Love,
Casey

JUST A THOUGHT

When the world falls apart and the sky comes crumbling down around us, how do we really know who will be there to save us? We don't know at all who will really love us when nothing is right, when the world is dying, when all Hell is abounding. Friends we thought would come to our rescue, drift away as each new day goes by and don't care anymore of how we are or what's going on in our lives. They move on and forget all about us, changing themselves and living with new and "better" friends. And it takes us long enough finally to realize that maybe they weren't friends at all, maybe all they wanted was something in return.

I have finally realized that perhaps it's time to leave those feelings about some of the people I was closest too, perhaps it's time to put them away in the back of my mind, just as they have done to me. Never a hello anymore from them, I am ignored; never comments anymore, they are too busy to write a few encouraging words. Goodbye to them all, they are gone, lost from the bank of friends I keep in my heart. And I know that those I am closest too will stay with me for always, for that has stayed true. Those people I know I will always be able to count on will stay with me for years and years and they will be the ones that leave a short comment or a friendly hello when they see me. They are the ones I can count on for anything, they are the ones who's shoulders I can cry on and they are the ones that will see my tears. For those are very few and not many of them are still around; I have but a tiny few people that are there for me and I love them more than anything in the world. They know who they are: the few people that know the secrets I keep, the few that call me just to chat, the ones who care about how I'm doing or what's new in my life; the ones who aren't just friends by the season or when they need or want something from me... perhaps we should all appreciate those people we have like that... and realize if we are that person for our own friends..... just a thought...

*Walking Down Her Streets*

It's so intriguing how we adapt to our surroundings, how we become accustomed to taking things for granted and I guess that we never know what we have until it is completely gone. But if you look out the window and see the city that I see, if you feel the cold winter wind that I feel and breathe the air I breathe, how could you not be happy in all that there is out there? This city is such a part of me and walking down her streets feels more familiar than the house that is supposedly my "home," being up here alone is more of a peace than being down there with all of them. And somehow in these last five months, the city has held me in her arms, it has watched over me and taught me to love, it has given me everything and I feel as if I have done nothing in return. For this is my home, more so than any other place I have to call a "home" and there is nothing more beautiful than the river in the winter, the lights at night and a room lit by candles and lying next to the person you love.

like blood against skin

my lips are red, my tongue the same,
against the white of my teeth,
they stand out,
a lollipop among cotton candy,
blood against skin.

and from that mouth with lips of red,
tongue the same,
and teeth of ivory white,
come hateful words it seems like,
i guess i don't remember when i turned so mean.

but they say i made fun of it,
they say i said it was ok,
i never said any of that,
i never said i didn't care,
i never said no to any of them.

they came to me remember?
they asked me for help,
and now out of those red lips and tongue,
they say i've lost to care,
they say i've made it worse,
they say i said what i never said
and what i never meant.

i don't think it's funny,
i never have, i never will,
and they can just back away,
and think what they want,
leave me alone and let me be happy,
even though they are not.

-trying to do what they have done for centuries-

Poets have defined love for centuries; they have tried to capture what it means to love in words, tried to explain it to the naive in sentences and letters. But honestly, there is no way to describe it until you feel it in your heart. There are no words that can truly express the moment when you first know you love someone; no sentences that can be formed to truly tell them how much they mean to you. And no matter how much we tell them we love them, those three tiny words cannot even begin to express the feeling we have for them in our hearts. An anonymous quote does attempt to explain what love is, how it works, why it is the way it is: "Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning,"
And while I totally agree with this, I would say that we cannot fully understand what it means to love until we associate it with someone we truly love. I also believe that love shows itself when the moment is right and when we really need it the most, whether we know that we need it or not. Love is having to hear that person's voice as much as possible, it is thinking of them as any song comes on, willing to do anything to make them happy, to lie in their arms and know that you are in the safest place in the world. Love is lying in a dark room with that person, only lit by candles and telling them you love them with all your heart and soul, kissing them in the rain, holding their hand and kissing each finger. Love is something you can't replicate and something that no one should be allowed to judge. No one can ever know how you feel for someone other than yourself, no one can ever know why you love someone, they must accept it and trust you.
Life is all about living for the moment, but what about loving the moment. What about finding someone you can love every moment of the day, that you can think about every moment of the day even if you are not with them and loving them every single moment you have. Love is truly knowing that you would die for someone, that you would give up anything you had to make them feel better or stop hurting. Love is being able to see it in someone else, trusting that person with your whole heart, with your whole being. Love is seeing the most gorgeous girl walking down the street and having the person you love look at you and tell you "you're beautiful." Love is living in a dream, not knowing what is coming next, but hoping that the dream will continue. Love is looking to the future and dreaming even more, it is knowing that the person you love will never try to hurt you, that they will be honest with you all your life.
Love cannot be explained and poets have tried to put that feeling into words for thousands of years, and I still cannot do it here and now. Love is something you have to feel, something you have to mean, and something that you should never be ashamed of. Love is letting all your standards go and adopting new ones, love is never being embarressed or annoyed, love is always knowing that you would fight for him no matter what and knowing that he would always fight for you....

~dedicated to Nick... I love you with all my heart... happy dec. 4th :-)

~Numb~

In this city where concrete and glass form walls,
and rain is no stranger to the skies,
I am numb to any feeling other than my love for you.
Here where I light candles and walk to the riverfront,
where a pumpkin spice latte is sensational,
and lying in your arms cures any ailment that procures me,
where without your voice I am lost,
without your touch, I could not go on.
And here where I wish on the clock,
and smile just at the thought of you,
where I think of you every hour of the day,
and where I love you with my entire heart and soul.
In this city where concrete and glass form walls,
there is no greater power in this world than love.
There is nothing else that can top this feeling I have,
and I am numb to any others.
I can't feel anything from anyone other than you,
and my world is complete with only you.
I am numb to the cold winter wind when I am in your arms,
and my mind is calm when I am talking to you,
my heart is soothed by looking in your eyes.
I feel nothing else from anyone else other than you,
and I numb to any love other than yours.

*little girls are dreaming tonight*

little girls all around the world are dreaming tonight,
children are wishing for ponies and christmas presents,
sugar plum fairies and santa claus and the north pole.
parents are wondering how to afford those gifts,
which days to take off work
and when they will have time to christmas shop.
there are dreams tonight,
wishes on stars and when the time is 11:11
a moment is taken to wish that one thing that we want.
but beware, you may only tell that wish to someone you trust,
to someone that you hold dear to your heart,
because if opened up and left to lie,
it will die and never come true.

little girls are dreaming tonight,
of being swept away by that prince we all want to come and save us,
of moments when he will sweep us off our feet,
and kiss us in the rain, bring us roses and hold us through the night.
and so us girls light candles and look out at the city lights
wishing he was here with us every moment.
and we look at our orchids and roses in the window,
wear his sweatshirt and dream of his face.
we keep looking at that picture of the two of us by the river,
not truly believing that it can be real.
and although it seems like this is all a dream,
i'm so glad it's not;
i'm so glad i have him, that i'm with him, that he's with me.

little girls are dreaming tonight,
they're dreaming for what i have,
for my prince, for a guy like him to come and take them away.
how did i get so lucky?
how did i get to be the princess that finds him,
that rides away into the sunset with him on a white horse,
how did i get to live this dream?
i have no idea how it came to be,
or where the fairy tale will end,
but for now i'd relive these millions of minutes we've had over and over
until i could no more.
i would light candles and wish on stars for an eternity to hold you again,
and you are my dream, you are my fairy tale,
and it is guys like you that little girls are dreaming of everywhere...

*like the orchid*

as the candles flicker in the cold rush of the open window,
and the single red rose stands tall against the pane,
my heart is stronger because i have loved.
my heart is like the orchid that mirrors the rose,
strong and bold, white and pure,
untouched but stands with a little help,
leaves strong but innocent,
with a moment to capture itself,
and a time all of its own.

it stands strong in the cold wind capturing the world,
finding its strength when the sun sets.
it deserves more than the sun can give,
yet doesn't deserve anything at all;
just as i don't deserve the brilliance he gives,
the moments that make life all worth it,
and the tiny minutes that i can look into his eyes
and know that i want nothing else.

that orchid is stronger than the single red rose,
but equally as unsure,
and i am strong just as sure,
but i am stronger with him here, with him in my heart,
and lying in his arms.
i may be like that orchid,
but without him, i am nothing.

it's been a while...

it has been a while since i've been able to sit down and write, since words have been able to fill this page and since my mind has had the sensation of speaking my mind, expressing my fears, and capturing my very heart in those letters. and tonight, here sipping hot cocoa, in a dark room where candles burn; where music is playing in the background and i am writing, nothing could be better, nothing could fill my heart with more brilliance. and what makes it even better is looking across the room and seeing you sitting at that table sipping that same hot cocoa that soothes my soul, watching you and meeting your eyes. and right now, i don't know how there could be anything better in the world; for even though the last week has been cruel and eventful, you have pulled me through. you are always in my heart and just by meeting your eyes and exchanging a quick smile, i know that i can always trust you.