maybe no body ever will

It's so hard for others to understand the feelings I have, the moments when I'm so scared for tomorrow, and when all I want to do is curl up in my closet and cry. Never in my life did I think leaving something behind would come back over and over again to haunt me, that leaving this place, this home I had would change me so much. And being here again and seeing those people that are the most important in my life, spending time with them and finding my way back around this town I loved so much, I am so scared to face the "home" my parents have now. I'm terrified of being alone in that bedroom, with no one to turn to, everyone living their lives down here and passing me by, leaving me alone to wallow in my own tears and my own insecurities. Christmas is a time when we are supposed to be inspired by time together, a time to spend with those that we love the most and those that are always there for us. And somehow, suddenly, after these two increidlbe and memorable days, I can't help but wonder how I'll feel on Christmas day. Waking up alone in a house that feels foreign, in a bed that feels empty and almost like it's never even been slept in and waking up alone to the ugliness of this city that calls itself my "home." And sure, I'll smile and thank everyone for their gifts, put a smile on my face and act like the world is all ok, but inside, I know I'll be yearning for that safety I only find in one place, for that peace that can only be found here, and for that memory of what a Christmas should be like. You can say all you want about this, call me selfish because I have everything and so many have nothing on Christmas, call me spoiled, call me a brat or a bitch, I don't care. But for once, all I want is for someone to say, "Casey, we understand your side; we see why you are so scarred from this move, we can see how this could affect you." No one gets it, no one understands how two moves like this have made me so scared of that next goodbye, so terrified to drive away and not look back. I'm scared of tomorrow when I have to leave again, when I have to drive away and think of what I'm leaving behind. Life used to be so muchs simpler, decisions easier and moments more amazing.... anymore all I want is to talk to someone and have them understand how I feel... but I'm beginning to think that no one ever will.