goodbyes.... (read previous post before reading this)

If you are reading this post, please go down and read the one before this first, you have to understand where I'm coming from and how I'm feeling right now to understand the depth of this one. But right now, I'm sitting here in a foreign room but feel more at home here than I do at my parent's house. Sitting here living out of a suitcase and things all in disarray, but I don't feel scattered. I'm scared, scared to say goodbye tomorrow, scared to walk away from here again and have all those memories of this place come flooding back, I'm scared of what the distance and time will do, I'm scared of what will happen this summer, I'm scared of letting everyone down, of going from the Casey that knows exaclty what to do and how to do it, to a girl that has no idea of where she is going. I'm scared of how my relationship with my dad is progressing, I'm scared of losing him, I'm scared of making a wrong decision, and I'm scared of leaving my past behind. The more I think about it, the the more it all scares me; the more people I see again, the more I worry about them. And the more introductions that I'm a part of, the more I want to be here rather than there with my own family. There is so much I wish I could change but can't, and when will everyone see me truly as an adult and not a child, why does the financial aspect of school and life have to hang over my head like a cat batting at a treat, and when will I be able to truly make all the decisions I want, not worrying about what my parents or family will think. How is it that I seem to always end up losing, end up not having any say in what happens. The first move scarred me, the second one nearly pushed me off the cliff and now, being back here, I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to the place that my parents call "home" now... I'm scared to say goodbye again, it scares me to death. Goodbyes have done nothing but harm me in the past, they have done nothing but bring tears to my eyes and make me question myself. So please, I pray, don't let me be scared of our goodbye because I don't ever want to say goodbye to you.