This is it. The last 24 hours. The hardest 3 months of my life have come and past, the love lost to responsibility and loyalty is back tomorrow. The love that made me fall on my very knees just almost a year ago. How very ironic that I am reading back posts of alomst a year ago in which my heart was so young, so innocent,, so naive. And now I am the person sitting in front of you, matured, knowledgable, grow up a little. But then again so has our love grown. I remember though the first date when we sat for hours at Panda Express just talking, the movie I never really wanted to see but I wanted so badly for you to put your arm around me. And then the following dates, the time I got sick at BJ's and you stayed by my side barely sleeping all night making sure I was alright. I remember the first night you slept over, the feeling of excitement I had waking up next to you the next morning. I remember that first time you went with me to the riverfront, the first time you held my hand and the movie night at my apartment cramped together in that little black chair. The next movie night when we got the bed, haha. We'll keep that one to ourselves.
I remember the drive to McMinnville when I wanted so badly just to be near you and the nights at UP playing ping pong and talking in the Villa common room until you had to go to class, gosh I didn't want you to leave. I remember the first time you kissed me, so nervous, so exhilerated. The first time you met my parents, the thrill I felt to show you off. I remember our love growing, the first time you told me you loved me and I was so excited to be able to say it back. Though I'd already known for a while, it felt so right when you said it. I remember what you told me right before that too haha, but again I'll keep that to myself. It was so remarkkable thouggh, so sincere how you did it. I remember how we grew together, I in you and you in me. I remember the night you showed up at the corner to surprise me and asked me if it was raining. I remember our long talks into the night over your fall break and all I wanted was to be right beside you. I remember our first drive down to medford together, never boring of each other. The first time I slept at your house and the night that we fell asleep in your dorm room only to wake up at 3 in the morning and sneak out.
I remember each and every kiss, each and every moment when I felt something more than the time before and each and every day when I was so excited to see you again. I remember so many night drives home from UP listening to music and looking at the city lights and thinking how could everything be so perfect?
I don't ever want to lose those memories. The year I fell in love for the first time, the year that changed my life and the year that changed me. I want this year to be the same, a year full of more memories, even more moments that I can look at you and smile. And as our love grows even deeper, may we grow into each other even more beautifully and more concretely than we already have. May we live as if we've only just fallen in love but act as if we've been in love for our whole lives. I feel like I have been in love with you for years, I can't wait until I can say that love and I know someday I will be able to.
I'll never forget the day I fell in love with you. It was from the very first moment I met you, I felt it though I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt it. From that first night after our first date when I couldn't sleep at all because I was thinking of you and the whole next week when all I wanted was to kiss you again and feel you next to me. You had me from the very first moments, each and every time I saw you I felt it again, you're the only person I've ever loved like this and I hope you'll be the last.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
MISSING YOU
Yesterday I was unraveling, my whole life felt distant, unreal, unlike who I've been for the last year or so. This has honestly been the best year of my life, my most rewarding and the most real I've ever felt. I've accomplished the most and I've felt the best in my own skin.
I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, we don't always know why but in the end, we'll see the reasons. We'll realize how we've grown through each and every obstacle and how it's shaped us over time.
So embrace the moments, take them all in stride, realize everything happens for a reason to make us grow and everything provides a challenge to overcome to make us stronger. Every distant relationship, every moment he's away, every time you think of him and want nothing more than to hold on to him and never let go, there's a reason that distance is necessary. Though we might not always know, we have to believe.
I miss you love, come home soon.
I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, we don't always know why but in the end, we'll see the reasons. We'll realize how we've grown through each and every obstacle and how it's shaped us over time.
So embrace the moments, take them all in stride, realize everything happens for a reason to make us grow and everything provides a challenge to overcome to make us stronger. Every distant relationship, every moment he's away, every time you think of him and want nothing more than to hold on to him and never let go, there's a reason that distance is necessary. Though we might not always know, we have to believe.
I miss you love, come home soon.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
over
I hurt all over, my mind, my heart, my body. I'm feeling alone, lost and left over. I'm not sure why or what has caused this but here I am, sitting in this city I love so much alone, hurt and lost. no one here, no one even thinking of me, caring about what i'm doing while everyone else is off doing the things they like, spending time with friends, family. i'm left here.
so often in the last few weeks i've been picked over, looked over while others get my time from me. looked over as if i'm not here and it seems like everyday i'm alone, everyone else is with their friends, their girlfriends, their husbands and sons, their sisters, their brothers, thier mothers and fathers. i'm not. i'm here every day alone, doing it on my own. i'm here waiting, and i'm tired of waiting. i just want it to be over, i'm tired of it being this way. i'm tired of the uncertainty, i'm tired of living out of a suitcase and wating for you to call, i'm tired of sitting in a silent room and not even having the energy to turn on the tv. i'm tired of talking on the phone, i'm tired of acting all happy all the time when most of the time i just want you here. i'm tired of the evenings alone, wanting to go out to eat so bad but no one to go with. i'm tired of the anxiety.
i'm tired of this. i just want it to be friday and for it to be over.
so often in the last few weeks i've been picked over, looked over while others get my time from me. looked over as if i'm not here and it seems like everyday i'm alone, everyone else is with their friends, their girlfriends, their husbands and sons, their sisters, their brothers, thier mothers and fathers. i'm not. i'm here every day alone, doing it on my own. i'm here waiting, and i'm tired of waiting. i just want it to be over, i'm tired of it being this way. i'm tired of the uncertainty, i'm tired of living out of a suitcase and wating for you to call, i'm tired of sitting in a silent room and not even having the energy to turn on the tv. i'm tired of talking on the phone, i'm tired of acting all happy all the time when most of the time i just want you here. i'm tired of the evenings alone, wanting to go out to eat so bad but no one to go with. i'm tired of the anxiety.
i'm tired of this. i just want it to be friday and for it to be over.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Dedicated to Bwood....
Inspire Me
Inspire me tonight.
Make me feel that sweet breeze
That only arrives on the most beautiful nights,
Let me walk hand in hand down
Any street I wish with the boy I love,
Show me a picture of Paris in the fall
With the tower beaming, as if its waiting for us.
Let me see my brother grow inch by inch,
And the smiles on my parents faces as I drive up
To the house after a long time away.
Let me feel the warmth of that kiss,
The touch of tenderness those closest to me offer up,
And the moments when it seems like you’re not on Earth,
But in some parallel plane that tastes almost of Heaven.
How about the connection between uncle and nephew?
The inspiration in a tiny baby’s fingers
As he meets a man who will someday be modeled after,
And the time given up by those we love to strangers
Who need it the most, never asking for any favors in return.
Seeing the girl he loves give her time to others,
Time that often is the most priceless object in our lives,
And giving it without any hesitation or doubt,
Giving it mercifully and from deep inside her soul.
See the tiny creatures adopting mothers of their own,
Reaching for any life form they can find,
Even if it’s foreign to their tiny skins,
Even if it be giraffe to lamb, a mother cannot be replaced.
What’s more inspiration than the tiny worlds
The clouds form in the blue sky above us?
The pattern of the sun, rising and setting, more brilliant
Every time we see it,
And the endless cycle of stars and the fascination we have
To the tiny dots in the sky that spell out our dreams.
Feeling that cold breeze on a hot day, catching a moment
When the sun hits crystal and captures a glimmer of hope in light,
The warmth of children holding onto their innocence,
The smiles of accomplishment,
And the knowledge that something you did touched their heart;
Something you did inspired someone else.
Though what about the water that surrounds us,
The valleys of blue that curve throughout the harshness of the land,
The holes of water that become sanctuaries, for creature and man both?
The movement of the ripples, the simplicity of it,
But the complexity as well.
What about the moments we live each and everyday,
The days we love, the years we hate,
The lives we live are inspiration enough to live
A thousand of them.
How about the tenderness in sleep?
Strangers coming in and out of our lives,
Friends, family and love,
New places, new lives, new loves.
What’s more inspiring than the fresh dew on grass in
The early morning hours, staying up to watch the sun rise,
And being more in awe of it every time?
Perhaps saying goodbye when neither person wants to,
But knowing that goodbye only means more firsts,
Another hello at the other end.
Giving yourself for someone else and sitting for hours
With someone else and not having to say one word.
Perhaps inspiration is a hug after a rough day,
A kiss from someone you love when you’re heart is breaking,
And the strength of a high rise as you look up from the street,
Knowing the work and effort and beauty that building represents.
Driving through the moments and taking it all in,
Loving every minute while hating it as well,
Watching the lights of a city you love from somewhere you love
Even more, watching the world pass by as time sits still for an instance.
Mountain views, kids changing, growing, living.
Inspiration is the smell of rain in the fall, the damp streets,
The sudden downpour half way through your run.
Inspiration is hearing the song you want played at your wedding
And smiling as you imagine him standing there waiting for you.
It’s the momentary laughter that no one knows where it came from,
The days when nothing goes right, but at the end of the day,
You wouldn’t change any of it.
Inspiration is watching people go by,
Running at sunset,
Finding a home somewhere you never guessed you’d be,
Loving someone you never thought you’d love,
And living like you never thought you could.
Inspire me tonight.
Make me feel that sweet breeze
That only arrives on the most beautiful nights,
Let me walk hand in hand down
Any street I wish with the boy I love,
Show me a picture of Paris in the fall
With the tower beaming, as if its waiting for us.
Let me see my brother grow inch by inch,
And the smiles on my parents faces as I drive up
To the house after a long time away.
Let me feel the warmth of that kiss,
The touch of tenderness those closest to me offer up,
And the moments when it seems like you’re not on Earth,
But in some parallel plane that tastes almost of Heaven.
How about the connection between uncle and nephew?
The inspiration in a tiny baby’s fingers
As he meets a man who will someday be modeled after,
And the time given up by those we love to strangers
Who need it the most, never asking for any favors in return.
Seeing the girl he loves give her time to others,
Time that often is the most priceless object in our lives,
And giving it without any hesitation or doubt,
Giving it mercifully and from deep inside her soul.
See the tiny creatures adopting mothers of their own,
Reaching for any life form they can find,
Even if it’s foreign to their tiny skins,
Even if it be giraffe to lamb, a mother cannot be replaced.
What’s more inspiration than the tiny worlds
The clouds form in the blue sky above us?
The pattern of the sun, rising and setting, more brilliant
Every time we see it,
And the endless cycle of stars and the fascination we have
To the tiny dots in the sky that spell out our dreams.
Feeling that cold breeze on a hot day, catching a moment
When the sun hits crystal and captures a glimmer of hope in light,
The warmth of children holding onto their innocence,
The smiles of accomplishment,
And the knowledge that something you did touched their heart;
Something you did inspired someone else.
Though what about the water that surrounds us,
The valleys of blue that curve throughout the harshness of the land,
The holes of water that become sanctuaries, for creature and man both?
The movement of the ripples, the simplicity of it,
But the complexity as well.
What about the moments we live each and everyday,
The days we love, the years we hate,
The lives we live are inspiration enough to live
A thousand of them.
How about the tenderness in sleep?
Strangers coming in and out of our lives,
Friends, family and love,
New places, new lives, new loves.
What’s more inspiring than the fresh dew on grass in
The early morning hours, staying up to watch the sun rise,
And being more in awe of it every time?
Perhaps saying goodbye when neither person wants to,
But knowing that goodbye only means more firsts,
Another hello at the other end.
Giving yourself for someone else and sitting for hours
With someone else and not having to say one word.
Perhaps inspiration is a hug after a rough day,
A kiss from someone you love when you’re heart is breaking,
And the strength of a high rise as you look up from the street,
Knowing the work and effort and beauty that building represents.
Driving through the moments and taking it all in,
Loving every minute while hating it as well,
Watching the lights of a city you love from somewhere you love
Even more, watching the world pass by as time sits still for an instance.
Mountain views, kids changing, growing, living.
Inspiration is the smell of rain in the fall, the damp streets,
The sudden downpour half way through your run.
Inspiration is hearing the song you want played at your wedding
And smiling as you imagine him standing there waiting for you.
It’s the momentary laughter that no one knows where it came from,
The days when nothing goes right, but at the end of the day,
You wouldn’t change any of it.
Inspiration is watching people go by,
Running at sunset,
Finding a home somewhere you never guessed you’d be,
Loving someone you never thought you’d love,
And living like you never thought you could.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
perseverance will rescue us
How many times have we left something or someone behind? It seems every time there's a change in our lives, people and places get left behind, never the same again. I find it incredible that through it all, some people keep their same friends, their same homes, their same livlihoods, always constant, never changing. I guess it might be different for me than for all of you seeing as I've lived in about 4 different places in my life, grown up half way around the world and then grew the rest in a small town in the United States. I've had so many "best" friends, that now I feel like I have to be my own "best" friend. There was Sarah first, then Caroline and Rachel, then Alyssa, then Nick ( in a different way) and Don who I've grown closer with even as time has gone on. I feel like sometimes all these people were in my life to teach me things, some of them still are with me and a part of my life and I am so thankful for that. But I've realized that that bond between "best" friends can be different with each and every relationship.
Some are formed for need of a bond, a girl to girl relationship that consists more like that of a sisterly bond than anything else. There are some that formed out of the differences between the two, a friendship where one is completely different than the other but that lasts because of the bond formed. There are friendships that form out of love, pure love that reveals honesty and truth. There are frienships that form from the "non-neediness" of each other, a bond between a guy and a girl that's not sexual or physical, but a bond that means something to them both. I've had each of these kind of relationships in my life, I've had some leave me and I've left some of them myself. And what I realize now is that each and every one of them meant something, they meant even more to me when both people in the friendship could realize each other's needs and meet them, respect them and truly find the person inside.
Friends, homes, lovers, pets all leave us. At some point or another you'll leave or they'll leave, whether by choice or by necessity. We must accept that aspect of life, embrace it and honor it. You will not live in your house forever, you won't be with the person you love forever (though it may end in death), forever is a long idea. Forever does not exit in humanity. In thought it does, in dreams. But not in real human existence.
So often we let go when we should be pullling in, so many times we curl up in a little ball and wish away the world when we should be embracing it and attemtping to free ourselves from our own seclusion. We seclude ourselves from the world to get away from the reality of it, to spend time alone, to think, to do our own thing. But sometimes we have to branch out, sometimes our touch is the one that is most needed by others and we need to realize that we can't hide from the world, we can embrace it and pursue reality however that may be.
Some are formed for need of a bond, a girl to girl relationship that consists more like that of a sisterly bond than anything else. There are some that formed out of the differences between the two, a friendship where one is completely different than the other but that lasts because of the bond formed. There are friendships that form out of love, pure love that reveals honesty and truth. There are frienships that form from the "non-neediness" of each other, a bond between a guy and a girl that's not sexual or physical, but a bond that means something to them both. I've had each of these kind of relationships in my life, I've had some leave me and I've left some of them myself. And what I realize now is that each and every one of them meant something, they meant even more to me when both people in the friendship could realize each other's needs and meet them, respect them and truly find the person inside.
Friends, homes, lovers, pets all leave us. At some point or another you'll leave or they'll leave, whether by choice or by necessity. We must accept that aspect of life, embrace it and honor it. You will not live in your house forever, you won't be with the person you love forever (though it may end in death), forever is a long idea. Forever does not exit in humanity. In thought it does, in dreams. But not in real human existence.
So often we let go when we should be pullling in, so many times we curl up in a little ball and wish away the world when we should be embracing it and attemtping to free ourselves from our own seclusion. We seclude ourselves from the world to get away from the reality of it, to spend time alone, to think, to do our own thing. But sometimes we have to branch out, sometimes our touch is the one that is most needed by others and we need to realize that we can't hide from the world, we can embrace it and pursue reality however that may be.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
I love you because....
I love you because you see who I am now, not who I was,
because no matter how bad of a day we have, it always ends up better,
because when I'm not with you, I'm thinking of you.
I love you because whatever I want to do, you'll do it with me,
because when I need my space, you always give it to me,
and because every song I hear, reminds me of you.
I love you because when I steal a glance at you, my heart melts,
because I see a future in your eyes,
because every day I wake up alone, I know you're still with me in my heart.
I love you because at the end of each day, no matter what happened, I still have you,
because you'll hold my hand and let me cry on your shoulder,
and because everything in my life makes sense when I have you by my side.
I love you because you're you,
because together we have something more than we could ever put into words,
and because in your arms, I feel safer than anywhere else I could ever be.
because no matter how bad of a day we have, it always ends up better,
because when I'm not with you, I'm thinking of you.
I love you because whatever I want to do, you'll do it with me,
because when I need my space, you always give it to me,
and because every song I hear, reminds me of you.
I love you because when I steal a glance at you, my heart melts,
because I see a future in your eyes,
because every day I wake up alone, I know you're still with me in my heart.
I love you because at the end of each day, no matter what happened, I still have you,
because you'll hold my hand and let me cry on your shoulder,
and because everything in my life makes sense when I have you by my side.
I love you because you're you,
because together we have something more than we could ever put into words,
and because in your arms, I feel safer than anywhere else I could ever be.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Woman
I become what I write.
I become a lover, a friend,
A mother, a child.
I become the father, the brother,
The friendship gone so wrong.
Each word makes me,
Changes me into whatever it
Is that’s needed to convey that art.
I become a dreamer and a cynic,
A writer, an artist, a woman.
It’s the artist inside of me that
Begs for inspiration wherever I might
Find it. It’s the woman inside of me
That begs to inspire others whenever
I might find them.
In all the characters I’ve become,
All the personas I’ve learned to be,
All the words I’ve written,
And all the times I’ve begged myself
To dig deeper and become more
Of the person I form the words for,
There is one that has shown me myself.
There is only one that makes me
Who I am, only one persona that I become to write
Takes me other places and shows me my own heart.
I become what I write,
I can be lover, friend, daughter.
mother, son, father.
But what I already am and have learned
To be in perfect words is
woman.
I become a lover, a friend,
A mother, a child.
I become the father, the brother,
The friendship gone so wrong.
Each word makes me,
Changes me into whatever it
Is that’s needed to convey that art.
I become a dreamer and a cynic,
A writer, an artist, a woman.
It’s the artist inside of me that
Begs for inspiration wherever I might
Find it. It’s the woman inside of me
That begs to inspire others whenever
I might find them.
In all the characters I’ve become,
All the personas I’ve learned to be,
All the words I’ve written,
And all the times I’ve begged myself
To dig deeper and become more
Of the person I form the words for,
There is one that has shown me myself.
There is only one that makes me
Who I am, only one persona that I become to write
Takes me other places and shows me my own heart.
I become what I write,
I can be lover, friend, daughter.
mother, son, father.
But what I already am and have learned
To be in perfect words is
woman.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
*stronger*
I think that I've realized something in the past few days, actually I guess in the past few months in which I thought would be the hardest of my life. Today is what, July 09, 2006. It has been 56 days, 8 weeks and 2 months since the love of my life left the city to return home for the summer. And I will not lie, I admit at the beginning of those 2 months I was skeptical, I was scared, I was insecure and unsure of what was going to happen. I was an emotional nightmare, (which I sincerely apologize for) and I was lost in myself as well as in the newly "single" world around me. I was going to be on my own, living all by myself, doing everything by myself, sleeping alone, waking up alone and starting a new era alone. But what I came to realize in that was that I wasn't scared to be alone, I wasn't scared that we wouldn't end up back together at the end of the seperation, I was scared to find myself. And that is exaclty what needed to happen. I needed to find who I was, spend time with me, learn who I was and who I want to be and trust myself before this relationship could go any further, which I hope it goes on for the rest of my life.
It's only when we need things the most that then everything happens for a reason. This seperation has been good for us, it has given us each time to find out who we are and where we're headed. And I think our love has withstood that, showing us the quality of what we feel. I can't wait until he is back up here again in a few weeks, and I know the future only has good things in store for us, but the past few months have shown me how much I've grown and how much I love the guy that I fell in love with. It's been 56 days, 8 weeks and 2 months and in just a few weeks, life will go back to normal and the time that I thought would kill me has only made me stronger.
It's only when we need things the most that then everything happens for a reason. This seperation has been good for us, it has given us each time to find out who we are and where we're headed. And I think our love has withstood that, showing us the quality of what we feel. I can't wait until he is back up here again in a few weeks, and I know the future only has good things in store for us, but the past few months have shown me how much I've grown and how much I love the guy that I fell in love with. It's been 56 days, 8 weeks and 2 months and in just a few weeks, life will go back to normal and the time that I thought would kill me has only made me stronger.
Starts with a P~
It’s 4 pm and once again
You’ve packed your bags,
Driven home,
To your other home at least.
~
And with each suitcase
Packed full, Yoda in the backseat
Of that little black car I know
All so well, I have to say goodbye
Each and every time.
~
It’s one more 5 hour drive,
One more hot day standing
On the sidewalk as you back
Out and drive down 10th.
~
Just a July day, the ninth day
Of the month, 2 from starting
Something new at a new place,
Only 4 more from seeing
You up here again.
And only just a few more weeks until
Goodbyes are not ordinary.
~
It’s 4 pm and my life goes back
To what it always does during the week.
Errands, school, work, nightly
Phone calls and chats online.
Waiting only for Friday when
You can surprise me by getting here early
And going to the place that we consider
Our “other” home, a little restaurant
On a corner in the Pearl, that starts
With a P and ends with a “changs.”
You’ve packed your bags,
Driven home,
To your other home at least.
~
And with each suitcase
Packed full, Yoda in the backseat
Of that little black car I know
All so well, I have to say goodbye
Each and every time.
~
It’s one more 5 hour drive,
One more hot day standing
On the sidewalk as you back
Out and drive down 10th.
~
Just a July day, the ninth day
Of the month, 2 from starting
Something new at a new place,
Only 4 more from seeing
You up here again.
And only just a few more weeks until
Goodbyes are not ordinary.
~
It’s 4 pm and my life goes back
To what it always does during the week.
Errands, school, work, nightly
Phone calls and chats online.
Waiting only for Friday when
You can surprise me by getting here early
And going to the place that we consider
Our “other” home, a little restaurant
On a corner in the Pearl, that starts
With a P and ends with a “changs.”
Sunday, July 02, 2006
"All of the Above"
Space is just time in seperate ways,
it's moments that are spent apart,
it's days spent thinking of nothing but you,
it's miles of land in between our thoughts
and our lives alone.
Love is just our way of expression,
it's the moments we spend together and apart,
the days we spend in each other's arms,
and the nights spent with dreams on our sleeves.
Space keeps us sane, love keeps us alive.
Honesty is just the life with a little sugar coating
to keep our minds as safe as we can,
it's what makes us who we are,
it's seconds of finding just the right thing to say,
and the biggest thing that makes our love survive.
Words are just moments put into letters,
they're marks on a page that show our love,
they're moments put into words and
thought put into history for us to look back fifty years
from now and remember as we're old and gray.
Honesty keeps us in love, words are just moments put into space.
Space.
Love.
Honesty.
Words.
In you,
I find
all of the above.
it's moments that are spent apart,
it's days spent thinking of nothing but you,
it's miles of land in between our thoughts
and our lives alone.
Love is just our way of expression,
it's the moments we spend together and apart,
the days we spend in each other's arms,
and the nights spent with dreams on our sleeves.
Space keeps us sane, love keeps us alive.
Honesty is just the life with a little sugar coating
to keep our minds as safe as we can,
it's what makes us who we are,
it's seconds of finding just the right thing to say,
and the biggest thing that makes our love survive.
Words are just moments put into letters,
they're marks on a page that show our love,
they're moments put into words and
thought put into history for us to look back fifty years
from now and remember as we're old and gray.
Honesty keeps us in love, words are just moments put into space.
Space.
Love.
Honesty.
Words.
In you,
I find
all of the above.
judgement day~
Do you ever look back on your past and just think about the things you thought would fit right into your life and find out now that they were so wrong for you? As I sit here, listening to a country song I just got from my brother's collection, I look back on where I was a year ago, the feelings I thought I had, the ideas I had, the person I was making myself become to please those around me and to get the relationships I thought I needed or wanted, the difference never really was clear. And I see now that none of those things were right for me, none of them made sense with the life I want or the things I love to do. Relationships were formed that were feigned and nothing was real from the words said to what we both thought we wanted. And I guess as you grow you realize more of the mistakes you made and you find out that everything does work out for a reason, that reason just isn't always known for sure in the moment.
No one knows what someone else is feeling, but I guess that the best we can do is to find that one person that comes to know you better than even you know yourself. Someone who isn't fake around you, who doesn't care what you've been through and doesn't judge you by it but who looks at who you are in the present tense. I guess you have to know that some people will always think I'm a bitch, some will always think I'm a spoiled rich girl with her own apartment and everything taken care of. Some will always know me as that girl with the convertible, that girl who dramatizes her life and who acts like the world is out to get her. And I guess there's not much I can do about what they think of me, but I can be the person I am. A girl who has had to say goodbye way too many times, a girl who has finally found a home to fit in to and shouldn't be punished for that. A girl who wants to help others and touch lives in one way or another. A girl who wants to be the best person she can be and who is remembered for the good person she was and how she lived her life. And if people can't see who I am inside and the good thinggs I do, then the hell with them. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see for real the bumps and rides that everyone goes through... don't judge me for who I am, for where I come from and what I do.
Live a day in my life and then see who I really am.
No one knows what someone else is feeling, but I guess that the best we can do is to find that one person that comes to know you better than even you know yourself. Someone who isn't fake around you, who doesn't care what you've been through and doesn't judge you by it but who looks at who you are in the present tense. I guess you have to know that some people will always think I'm a bitch, some will always think I'm a spoiled rich girl with her own apartment and everything taken care of. Some will always know me as that girl with the convertible, that girl who dramatizes her life and who acts like the world is out to get her. And I guess there's not much I can do about what they think of me, but I can be the person I am. A girl who has had to say goodbye way too many times, a girl who has finally found a home to fit in to and shouldn't be punished for that. A girl who wants to help others and touch lives in one way or another. A girl who wants to be the best person she can be and who is remembered for the good person she was and how she lived her life. And if people can't see who I am inside and the good thinggs I do, then the hell with them. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see for real the bumps and rides that everyone goes through... don't judge me for who I am, for where I come from and what I do.
Live a day in my life and then see who I really am.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
*eras*
Here I am, laying in this bed I used to sleep in all the time, this room that holds so many memories, mostly bad, mostly tears, yet still they are memories. And here with the family that I have always had, the family I've been through so much with and yet it all seems foreign to a point. Perhaps it's because I'm maturing, growing faster than I had thought I was, perhaps it's because all I want is to be with him there and not here except by a feeling of guilt that always resides within me, pushing me to come back to this foreign home and strange house.
It seems that in the last year so many of my dreams have come true and they have changed me and the life I live. I guess that means those that were closest to me had their lives changed as well as mine changed, as all are so interlinked. I found myself deeply in love with someone and he was all that I wanted, his time was my time, his world became my world and perhaps somehow in the swirl of bliss I lost some of what my life used to be. But the thing is, I don't want to go back to the life I used to have and in fact, it feels strange being here at "home" with my parents and brother. It feels strange not having the freedom, the space, the right to do anything I want, talk to anyone I want and be anywhere I want. It's weird to me that some people stay in this era for so many years because for me all I want is so badly to be on my own again, to be at my own home in the city or to be with the boy I love so deeply.
And as I think about it, right here and now as these words seem to spill from my mouth, I have about one more month, maybe 5 or 6 weeks only until the boy I love is back with me all the time. And it seems like just yesterday we had to seperate, those long first weeks without him there and near by. My emotions nearly took me out, the tears flowed freely, the freedom seemed hard to get so used to. And here I am, almost finished with the time he had to be away and I've only fallen more in love with him over the past couple months. Here we are, in a transiition period of our lives, weening out of one era and into another. Leaving behind things we've always known for an era of everything unknown and I can't wait to begin it!
It seems that in the last year so many of my dreams have come true and they have changed me and the life I live. I guess that means those that were closest to me had their lives changed as well as mine changed, as all are so interlinked. I found myself deeply in love with someone and he was all that I wanted, his time was my time, his world became my world and perhaps somehow in the swirl of bliss I lost some of what my life used to be. But the thing is, I don't want to go back to the life I used to have and in fact, it feels strange being here at "home" with my parents and brother. It feels strange not having the freedom, the space, the right to do anything I want, talk to anyone I want and be anywhere I want. It's weird to me that some people stay in this era for so many years because for me all I want is so badly to be on my own again, to be at my own home in the city or to be with the boy I love so deeply.
And as I think about it, right here and now as these words seem to spill from my mouth, I have about one more month, maybe 5 or 6 weeks only until the boy I love is back with me all the time. And it seems like just yesterday we had to seperate, those long first weeks without him there and near by. My emotions nearly took me out, the tears flowed freely, the freedom seemed hard to get so used to. And here I am, almost finished with the time he had to be away and I've only fallen more in love with him over the past couple months. Here we are, in a transiition period of our lives, weening out of one era and into another. Leaving behind things we've always known for an era of everything unknown and I can't wait to begin it!
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