Chance

These past four months have been the most emotionally draining of my life, and never have I been so conflicted in my life. I thought this was the easy part, first job, new city. But everyday feels like it last for years and I never have a day that I feel whole anymore, never a day that goes by that I don't wish I was somewhere else. There is so much people don't know about what's happened here, so much that I don't feel like I at liberty to share, so much that I don't agree with, so much that would only make them all worry about me.

I just want so badly to jump on a plane and forget it all, hide out in Portland from it all. From the moment I heard about this job, it scared me to take it. It scared me to be here, in this place I don't like; it scared me to take a job at a firm my dad works closely with; it scared me to go into this unsure. But I did because it was really my only option, I did it to please my parents and to have a salary. I did it to move forward and to find answers that I thought I needed. I did it for them, not for me. This wasn't my first choice, my second or even my third, it was my only choice.

I pray every day, that in a few months I'll be able to find something else. That I'll have the strength to pull myself away from here, that I'll have the opportunities to chase, that I'll be able to leave and find something else back home.

I have to pull myself out of this depression and this hole I'm in here, out of this life that I dislike so much. I just hope and pray that a chance comes around.

At the End of the Day

Tonight, I sit here in my apartment looking out of the thousands of tiny lights of Honolulu, over the dark ocean, over hundreds of people living their lives, in thousands of different ways. I sit here overlooking those that are religious, those that haven't ever set foot in a church in their lives; women and men, children and adults; those that are gay and those that are straight; those that are white, black, Hawaiian, Asian. And as I sit here, in my mind are the millions of comments made by people over the years, some more recently than others, that come up with ways to hold some back and put others ahead. For the first time today though, I heard something truly profound, something that truly made me sit here and write this tonight, something that coming from a mother, from a wife, from a woman that made me sit back and truly appreciate my beliefs even more.

I sit here as a young woman, a woman that believes full heartedly in the rights of gay marriage, in women's rights and equal opportunities. I sit here having friends of all races, of a young woman in the working community that deals with derogatory comments made toward groups of people every day. And in a world in such a mess, sometimes I can't help but just sit back and wonder where we went wrong. When we have a woman that would tell you that she's a Christian, that attends church regularly, the mother of a son who has come out as being gay, that she could sit there and look me in the face and tell me that gay marriage shouldn't be allowed because the only reason for marriage is to have children. It made me sick that such a theory even exists in our world today, that someone could even come up with that reason, as an excuse, as a way to say that that's the reason that two people that love each other, regardless of race or gender or ethnicity, should be stopped from having the civil liberties that the straight community has. I ask you tonight, if the tables were flipped, if you were in that position, leaving gender and race aside, letting emotions take the lead, letting your heart feel, and if you loved someone, why should you have to give up that union?

I could also raise the point of myself... am I subject to that rule as well then? As a young woman that doesn't want to have children of my own, knowing at an early age that that life isn't meant for me, should I not be allowed to be married either? Should I have my liberties taken away because of who I am? I think we get so off track in our society, we forget to give each other the benefit of being different, of wanting different things in life. Not all girls grow up wanting the fairy tale wedding and the perfect two little kids running around the big house in the suburbs. I've never wanted that, that was the never the life for me.

We are not all the same, nor should we be. Yet we should have respect for each other at least, respect enough to believe that God loves us all equally, that he doesn't pick and choose who can love and who can't, that he doesn't look down and say because you fell in love with someone, that that makes you anything less than anyone else. He doesn't discriminate - we do.

I think that there are moments in life when you really realize who a person is. It may be after just meeting them, or it might be years and years down the road. But in that moment you see the real person they are, and so often the people I see are a disgrace to this world we live in, and it's people like that, comments like that, that are the worse sins of all. I may not be the perfect person, and I have made my own share of many mistakes, but I believe we all deserve the right to be happy, no matter gay or straight, man or woman, houses in the suburbs or apartments in the city, whatever we are, whoever we become, if our lives don't hurt other people, if we live as good people and help this world to be a better place than what harm does a union between two people that love each other cause?

And at the end of the day, I have to wonder, in this world that seems to take 1 step forward and 10 steps back, how is it that we got to the point where loving someone isn't allowed? I'm not asking us to move mountains, or to change your beliefs, or to give up your own rights at all - I'm asking you to think about if it was you, or your son or daughter, or your brother or your friend. Shouldn't we all be allowed to be happy, to marry the people we love, to become the people we are, gay or straight, women that want children of their own and women that don't? When did wanting to spend your life with someone become wrong?

Disappoint

Why is it that all at once, we feel lost, like there is no one to fall back on, no one to catch us when we need it the most? Why is it when dissapointment is all around us, when it seems our whole lives are filled with people that disappoint us, in sitatuations that make us lose faith is everyone and everything in our lives, that it all hits at once? And when we need those people the most, more disappointment follows.

Some things never change I guess.. all I can hope for is to someday find someone, somewhere that isn't always a disappointment.

Thousands of Tiny Lights

Sometimes our lives present themselves to us in meandering paths, in journeys that we must take in order to really realize what we're meant to be. I've always been the girl that didn't necessarily believe in getting married, that didn't ever want to really settle down, that thought I could handle the world on my own. And then a moment came, a moment as I sat alone in a hotel room in Seoul, a moment that finally everything clicked in to place in my mind, a moment when I knew that all that really mattered was to be with him, a moment when I finally realized that I want to someday walk down that aisle and see him at the other end. And in that moment, it was all so clear, so right, when so much else in my life was going wrong. And in those few thoughts, in at moment of clarity, suddenly I had this hope to hold on to and every doubt I've ever had was lifted, and I knew at once that he is the only one that I want to be with, that he is the only one that understands me totally, the one that I want all my dreams to come true with. He is the one that makes me smile and the voice that lifts my mood. He is the one that I could lay next to forever, and the one that I would be willing to give it all up for.

And sometimes when moments like that approach us, they approach us at times in our lives when we need it the most. And so as this year drags on and I am encountering some very difficult days, I have that piece of hope in my mind, that piece of hope that I know will come. And while it may not happen right away, I know that it will. I know that it will happen, that I will walk down the aisle at sunset, with thousands of tiny lights over head, with that perfect song playing, with everyone I love there to support me, and I will look into his eyes and say those two little words that mean forever. And I know that when that day comes we will look back on everything we've been through and know that the decision is true, that's it's pure and that everything we went through was for a reason.

So as I look ahead, even through this is going to be a very long trek to get back home to him, I know that it will all work out somehow and that whatever is meant to be will be.

The Deepest

Whatever happened to the days when we could lay in bed and get so wrapped up in a book that we never got up? Or the days when love conquered all, when we could rush to each other's side at any sign of fire? Lately, I'm finding every reason to cry, every reason to hate, every reason to be unhappy and it's all so easy to find those emotions in my life right now. I'm spending so much energy putting on a front to every one in my life, a front that I'm happy, well at least content, that I love my job, that I'm doing alright on my own. And inside, with everything I've gone through here, everything I've put up with in my job, everything that I've dealt with with my family and the emotional roller coaster I feel like I'm constantly living in my long distance relationship, I don't have any energy left at the end of the day, and then people wonder why I'm so exhausted at 8 o'clock.

Growing up, no one ever explains to you how to make the tough decisions, or that boys will break your heart over and over or that family will let you down. It's all the stories about how the men in your life are supposed to race through the airport after you, how living your own life will make you independent, how careers will form right before your eyes and you'll truly make a difference. And then you get here... to this point in your life, in a job in which the company has disappointed you beyond belief, in a relationship across an ocean that made you come here in the first place, and in the middle of family issues that have you scarred forever. And then you wonder, is this really what's it all supposed to be? Is this what I've been dreaming of my whole life? And maybe it's because my dreams were above what normal expectations should be, maybe it's because in the end, everybody just ends up disappointing me, maybe it's because I expect too much from everyone, even myself. Maybe it's because the support I need, the support I used to have is gone, maybe it's because every day I wake up and wish I wasn't here.

And after all of it, after thinking I could master the world, go after my dreams, maybe I can't. Maybe I don't have it in me, maybe everything and everyone that I thought would be there for me, won't ever step up to be there. What happened to the romance? The idealistic dreams? What happened to surprises and moments when I thought the world would stop turning? I don't know what happened to them but they aren't here, they aren't in me anymore. This past four months has changed me inside, and sometimes beyond recognition of myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who this girl is, there's nothing here to hold on to anymore.

I feel like there really isn't anything to hold on to anymore, and every time I feel like I finally get a firm grip on something, on him, on home, on family, my grip fails and I'm falling once again. Sometimes there is nothing in my life to hold on to, sometimes the only emotions I feel in this world make me the loneliest I've ever been. All I want is to be home, wrapped up in a blanket watching the rain pour down outside... but that won't happen... and who knows how long it will be till it does.

City of Peace

It's things about home that can't help but make you smile and feel whole again. It's the construction finished on a building that you've watched from the beginning, it's being in your lovers arms again in a home that you made together. It's seeing those faces around town that you haven't seen for months, it's walking in your city and smiling at the quirks that you've missed so much. It's the trees, more lush than ever, it's the air, it's the feeling inside your heart that feels like peace, that feels like everything that was missing is put back together again. It's the feeling of knowing that when you wake up you'll be waking up here in his arms, knowing that tomorrow will be as beautiful as today.

It's the smallest things that make such a difference, like the way the city streets feel under your feet, the way the max sounds when it's making the corner against the rails in Goose Hollow and the Pearl district at night. It's the places that so many memories were made and it's seeing the smile on your own face. It's the light breeze, just enough for a jacket and the beginnings of fall. It's a few days that you can escape where you are and admire this city for all it is, admire it for how beautiful it truly is, regardless of everything else.

It's days like this that truly keep me alive, that make my eyes blue, that make my smile exist. It's moments like this in my city that I can smile and know that here I fit, here I am loved, here I exist, and perhaps will always. And while I know that tomorrow brings another plane trip (becoming a constant in my life) back to another home, I will always have this city in my heart and I will always have this city in my soul. And no matter how long I am away, or how long my life pulls in other directions, this is where I will always be home, this is where I will always find peace, in his arms, in this city of peace.

Back in our City

I think that sometimes we must say goodbye in order to love again, in order to feel again. Sometimes we must spread our own wings instead of living under someone else's. Sometimes the truest love we'll ever know is the one that just makes us better people, someone you just love to be with, someone that just makes you smile. It's sad to see so many people in this world so bitter about love lost or what has happened to them. It's sad to see them have lost all their faith in love, in what at one point made them so happy.

It took me a while to get to this point, it took four years to realize my mistakes, to realize what's ahead. And while I always thought I might end up here, I can fully say now that I am here, so sure of where I am headed, so sure of what is truly important in my life. And when I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning, he is the first thing I think about. As I go through my days, he is all that's on my mind. And when I think about my future, he is the only constant I see.

For a while I was worried that all my dreams would have to be put aside in order to be that girl, that girl so in love with the boy she's known for so long, but I've realized now that it doesn't have to be like that. I've realized now that I can have him and my dreams and that our love, our commitment, our strength will carry us through.

So my love, hold on just a little longer and before you know it I'll be back in your arms, back in our city, back together, forever and for always.

Every Second

There were moments the last few days when I felt truly whole again, moments when I felt like nothing could ruin anything, like for the first time in my life, I truly knew where I am meant to be, who I am meant to be, where my true home is. My whole life I've been searching for that something that would complete me. That feeling most people have when they go home to family, that feeling of knowing that there is one place in this world that will always be there for you to return to, that place that soothes your soul and makes all your problems fade away. For me, I've always struggled with finding that until two days ago.

This move has been one of the hardest and most bitter sweet things in my life. While it has opened so many doors, it has also made me much farther away from others. And while I can't wait to be back there living my life again, I also know that I must make the most of it while I am here. I also know that I must find a way to keep going even though my heart is aching ever more every day. I know that this happened for a reason and that it will all work out for me as time goes on.

So tonight as the evening fades, I am going to pretend that the leaves are changing and that you are here by my side, holding me close, your fingers filling the spaces between mine. The night turns light blue outside and after only leaving just hours ago, I can't help but feel lost again, and broken down. I felt so whole for two days, the first time in my life I've felt so complete, so truly meant to be somewhere and it's gone, not forever, but gone for tonight, for now. There is so much I miss, so much I want to have tonight but can't. There are no leaves changing colors, no fall breeze, no Portland. And as much as I try to pretend that it's here, as much I try to accept a different kind of scene, I still can't help but feel a bit broken up again. Every day this gets harder, every hour, every second, all I want is to be back home.

The Most Beautiful Place

My whole life I've made a decision and known what I wanted. I have always been steadfast to what is important to me and so why would that be different when I fell in love. And after 4 years with the boy I fell in love with the first time I met him, I still to this day know that he is what I am destined to be. We'll always be "Casey and Nick" and in that, if you know us, means a lot. I've watched my friends go through lovers, found and then lost. I've watched my family split apart. I've seen life in the eyes of so many different people and places and through it all, I am here, still steadfast in the decision my heart made for me so long ago.

4 years ago I was just a young, naive, innocent girl, 18, on my own for the first time, dealing with demons and insecurities. And it was at that time in my life that I met Nick. That all the pieces fell into place, that I knew in an instant that he was my the perfect match for me. It was in that instant that I first saw him in the dorms watching football on TV, with his tanned skin, his dark hair and his hat tilted just a little to the side that my life changed. It was that first night he slept over at my apartment, that first morning waking up next to him, that showed me what love really is. It's the memories we've made and the things we know about each other than no one else in the world knows. It's the trust we have in each other and the loyalty we feel. It's the smallest moments like holding his hand or a kiss on the cheek that truly explains our love. It's never been about being all over each other for us, for us, it goes much deeper than that. For us, it's always been natural, never with a need to "show it off." For us, our love has always been about moments that we cherish, feelings so deep that we can understand them on the same level together. For us, it's always been about overcoming the challenges, to take what we've been given and do what we feel.

It hasn't been easy or perfect by any means but it has been rewarding and a kind of relationship that sustains itself without any outside influence. And even now, miles apart, it's as if these 4 years have flown by. It's as if suddenly my life has come to a point where suddenly it all makes sense and I can see the road ahead, while narrow at some parts, expanding into the open sunrise, winding its way to the most beautiful place.

In the Rain

I'm here in your heart,
always have been, always will be.
I'm the girl that flew away,
the girl that needed her space,
the girl that needed to find her own life,
the girl that flew away,
to find what I thought was right.

I'm here in the sunshine,
while you're there in the rain,
and I never thought I'd miss the rain so very much,
I never thought I'd be so lost on my own,
that you were everything that was right.

I'm here on my own tonight,
waiting in the dark for my life to go back
to how it used to be.
I'm here on my own tonight,
wondering why I had to fly away,
wondering why I ever thought distance was best.

I am here in your heart tonight,
so many miles away, but so close in love,
so close in thought, so close in spirit.
I'm here in the sunshine, while you're in the rain,
in our rain, in the life I left behind.