Home, For Good

There are moments in our lives when all reason goes away, when we have to go by what we feel, a moment when suddenly for no reason at all, you know exactly how you feel or what you want. I've had a few of those moments in the past few months and it truly is from a guidance beyond us that brings us to those tiny fractions of time. The first time I really felt this way was the moment I knew that I loved Nick beyond anything I had ever known, that I wanted to be with him, that I wanted to stay with him forever, that no matter what happens, my love for him will never change. That moment was a moment in Korea, a moment in my beautiful hotel room, in a country I adore, looking out the window over beautiful and raging Seoul and suddenly I knew for no reason at all, that I had to be with him, that he was my future, he was my soul, my entire heart. That moment changed everything, because at the time we had been taking some time to figure things out, to work things out in our own lives, to see where it would lead us. And in that tiny and most significant moment, I felt everything that I needed to feel, and I felt every emotion that was possible.

And then here last night, staring out at the city in front of me from my 11th floor apartment in the city of dreams for so many, in this city of tradition and palm trees, and I looked out over the darkest ocean towards that home that I have finally found, so many miles away across the ocean. And suddenly, at 10 o'clock on an insignificant Thursday night, I realized that I want to be back there in Portland, that if that means waiting a little longer till I can do it, I want to be there, I want that to be my home. I want to walk outside everyday and smile knowing that this is home, knowing that the grey sky overhead will always soothe me, knowing that I made the right choice, knowing that's where family is, where friends are, where love is, were home is. And it's moments like that that everything becomes clear.

So as I sit here tonight yet again, staring out at the tiny lights across a dark city, out across the dark ocean toward that city that holds my heart... I know that soon I will be home, soon I will walk those streets again, soon I will smile because all this will be over and soon I will rest at night knowing that I am home, really home, not just for a day, but for good.