My Paradise

I had a thought tonight, in the midst of a conversation of why I don't like it here and I realized something very important. I don't like living in Hawaii for a number of reasons, but the most important reasons aren't the slow movement or the aloha shirts or the heat. The reasons that I want to be in Oregon are because that's home, and for the first time in my life I have a home, a real place that I can call my own, a place that means something to me, that is a constant. And that home is where the love of my life is, where my best friends are, where family is. It's where my life is, it's where my life was built, where I built it. It's where I fell in love, it's where I graduated from college, it's where I had my first apartment, where I bought my first apartment. It's where Nick and I built our life together and it's where I just feel safe and whole.

I keep thinking ahead a few months when I leave here for good, and I keep thinking to myself, what will I feel? Will I feel sad for this place, that I never really loved, or will I just be so ready to leave this chapter behind? I'm so anxious to find out what's next in store for me, this feels a bit like it's just ready to be over, like it's run its course. This place has been a learning experience for me and so much has happened to me here, but when it comes down to it, there is no better feeling than curling up on the couch in my apartment in Portland, next to Nick, under a pink blanket watching our shows, and watching the rain fall outside. My mom said to me tonight, "what more could you want, this is paradise!" And I responded, "my paradise is something all together different."

My paradise is rain for days on end, trees greener than green, and gray skies in a million different shades of gray. My paradise is laying next to my love, and knowing that tomorrow we're going to be together. My paradise is just feeling real, refreshed and loved and most of all, feeling like I'm really home. And while I may be living in someone's paradise right now, my paradise is out there tonight across the ocean.