As long as I can remember my life has been about family. Growing up I found more solice in my family than in friends. In all honesty my frienships were just kind of fronts, lots of them never amounting to anything. And when my family fell apart, when it changed from being a protection against the world, I suddenly became more aware that family isn't anything. For most, it seems like the opposite occurrs: friends are what get you through the teenage years, family is what connects you later in life. For me, I didn't really come into my own until just a couple years ago, until I was out of the house, until I was on my own in a new place with new people. And suddenly in that time I came to find that my friends are now what keep me together, my friends are what mean the most to me in the world.
I have found out that family isn't always there for you, they have their own agendas, especiallly when you are far apart in distance. And while the love never leaves, it becomes a different kind of love. It becomes a more grown up take care of yourself kind of love. And when that love becomes something other than it was in childhood, I become more and more acute of how the love I have for my friends is changing me day in and day out. And here I am, two years ahead of where I was starting out and along the way I have met some amazin people that have changed my life. I have come to depend on them, I have told them things I would never be able to tell anyone else and they are what keeps me going day after day. So here's a little shout out to each one of them: they deserve every word written about them.
Nick: After finding you, after realizing that you are my soul mate, the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with, I have to come to depend on you, to confide in you like no one else. You are first and foremost my best friend in the entire world and without you, I would be lost. You are the only person I trust without reserve, the person I know that will always be there for me, even if not in person, you will make time to support me.
Alyssa: Where do I begin? Well I guess beginning with the fact that we didn't really get along at first and then as the years went by became best of friends. I'll never forget the days of you just showing up at my house to take a nap in the afternoon, your beloved candy drawer and that senior year when we grew even closer. WE've seen each other through a lot and in the years that I've known you, you've taught me more lessons that you could ever imagine. You are the total opposite of me, but in that we learned to find a balance. You were the friend that helped me grow up, the friend that I've become so proud of and the friend that got me through the high school years. You are a friend I will never forget, a friend that will always be part of my history and present and future.
Abby: For only knowing you for a year, you are the closest friend up here that I have. I can honestly say I have never laughed as hard as I have with you and everything from our nicknames to our stupid stories, I have fun with you every single time we're together. I can tell you anything and I appreciate you so much for not judging, for listening despite your feelings on the subject. I love you like a sister and I love how I can talk to you at any time and always come out of it feeling good. You are a friend that will stand beside me at my wedding and that will never stray far from my reach.
Brittany: With all the things we've done, all the stupid games we've played, all the talks we've had, you have only become a closer friend in the last year. And I've cherished our friendship so much because you have become one of my closest friends. Who knew? Who knew this is where we would be. And B, I am so proud of who you are and I respect you so much for being the person you are, you always hold your head high and go for it, something I strive to do. I love how much closer we've gotten and I know this is a little too sentimental for you, but if you are reading it... deal with it! haha
Don: For a friend that was the first friend in Portland, thank you for accepting me as I am. I'll always remember our freshman year and I'll always remember it being as good as it was because of you. You always can make me smile, you an always make me have a good time and for that, I am so grateful I met you. I am so grateful that we became friends because without you, Portland wouldn't be the same. And even though the distance has kept us apart more this year and it will in the future, our friendship still means a lot to me and I know that you will be one of the guys standing up with me at my wedding, you will be a friend that stays with me for a long time. Thanks for the wonderfl memories and for always making me realize how wonderful life is.
As life goes on, people come and people go. But these people are the ones that will never leave my mind and will always be a brilliant presence in my life.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Morning Goodbye
Lay your head down,
sigh until there is no more breath
drawn from the lungs of life within you.
The night has drawn asleep now,
so lay down beside me and caress the night,
keep in skin deep and hold your head high.
Leave before the dawn, but return to me.
Fall asleep within my the shoulder of my mind
but do not leave without goodbye.
Do not leave
without
me.
sigh until there is no more breath
drawn from the lungs of life within you.
The night has drawn asleep now,
so lay down beside me and caress the night,
keep in skin deep and hold your head high.
Leave before the dawn, but return to me.
Fall asleep within my the shoulder of my mind
but do not leave without goodbye.
Do not leave
without
me.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Don't Let Go
I can't see the city anymore, but I don't need it. I can't find the lights anymore, but I don't need them to guide me. I don't have the strength anymore but I don't need it. With love here beside me, with prayers and faith in my heart, and a constant succession of harmonies in my soul, I'm okay. And for the first time in a long while, for the first time since it all, I have the strength to breathe. For the first time in a while I can honestly look out this window and feel like I am home, feel like this is where I belong, where I survive best.
And after a revelation, I only want to lay here with you. I only want to lay here beside your body and I want to know that in the morning you will be there, I want only to know that you will be there. I have no regrets, no secrets, no movements without you there. And in these twenty years there has never been someone to make me breathe like you do, never someone to take my very breathe from within my lungs. And it is you that can always see through the mess, your eyes that can always see through my soul, your eyes that see me, and only me and everything that I am.
It's how I learned to breathe. It's how I learned to walk again, how I learned to live again: through you. And inside my soul, it's you that never leaves, it's you that survives within my mind within every moment of every day. It's you that has the trust I give no one else, it's you that leaves me speechless and honest. It's only you that hears me when no words leave my lips, you that holds my hand no matter how cold it may be. I am stronger because of you, deeper because of you, better because of you.
And in all the twenty years I've lived, I never dreampt of this, I never thought it would exist. And while life only continues to swirl around us, it's only you that keeps me breathing, only you that keeps me found. You are the breathe in my own lungs, the moments and the kisses and the words and the memories that never die. You are that morning "I love you," the kiss before bed, the surprise on the streetcorner. You are diet coke in a wine glass, a 160 yard drive and a bogey on hole 3. You are lime in a diet coke, pf changs when nothing else sounds good. You are lime green and pink and black, you are "did you brush your teeth?" You are my 66 on a par 72, you are my hat turned to the side with your hand through your hair, you are an apple icard and an isight conversation. You are a townhouse in the pearl and my 72 hour weekend. You are every memory that's every meant anything at all and you are the only memories that will ever mean anything.
You are the one that Heaven gave to me, you are the one that belongs by my side, the one that I don't know who I am without. And when time runs out, when the sky turns that shade of gray, I will nothing but lay beside you and hold your hand. Because in the end, nothing else will ever matter besides us. Nothing will ever matter more than me and you. So baby, hold my hand ... and don't let go.
And after a revelation, I only want to lay here with you. I only want to lay here beside your body and I want to know that in the morning you will be there, I want only to know that you will be there. I have no regrets, no secrets, no movements without you there. And in these twenty years there has never been someone to make me breathe like you do, never someone to take my very breathe from within my lungs. And it is you that can always see through the mess, your eyes that can always see through my soul, your eyes that see me, and only me and everything that I am.
It's how I learned to breathe. It's how I learned to walk again, how I learned to live again: through you. And inside my soul, it's you that never leaves, it's you that survives within my mind within every moment of every day. It's you that has the trust I give no one else, it's you that leaves me speechless and honest. It's only you that hears me when no words leave my lips, you that holds my hand no matter how cold it may be. I am stronger because of you, deeper because of you, better because of you.
And in all the twenty years I've lived, I never dreampt of this, I never thought it would exist. And while life only continues to swirl around us, it's only you that keeps me breathing, only you that keeps me found. You are the breathe in my own lungs, the moments and the kisses and the words and the memories that never die. You are that morning "I love you," the kiss before bed, the surprise on the streetcorner. You are diet coke in a wine glass, a 160 yard drive and a bogey on hole 3. You are lime in a diet coke, pf changs when nothing else sounds good. You are lime green and pink and black, you are "did you brush your teeth?" You are my 66 on a par 72, you are my hat turned to the side with your hand through your hair, you are an apple icard and an isight conversation. You are a townhouse in the pearl and my 72 hour weekend. You are every memory that's every meant anything at all and you are the only memories that will ever mean anything.
You are the one that Heaven gave to me, you are the one that belongs by my side, the one that I don't know who I am without. And when time runs out, when the sky turns that shade of gray, I will nothing but lay beside you and hold your hand. Because in the end, nothing else will ever matter besides us. Nothing will ever matter more than me and you. So baby, hold my hand ... and don't let go.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tomorrow
Tonight, here alone, I am more than I have been in the past couple of days. I am myself again, I am that girl again, I am strong again. And what's left of me after the past few days, was nothing, it was deep and dead. And once again, I have found my strength. Once again, I have become the person I always knew I could be, the person I always have been.
I am me again, and that's the strongest I ever am.
Tomorrow is a big day for me, a big revelation, one that I desperatly need to find out. Tomorrow is the day when I find out what's changed, what hasn't and when everything will be alright.
Pray for me.
I will need it.
I am me again, and that's the strongest I ever am.
Tomorrow is a big day for me, a big revelation, one that I desperatly need to find out. Tomorrow is the day when I find out what's changed, what hasn't and when everything will be alright.
Pray for me.
I will need it.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
abandoned
Sometimes life hands us something and in the wake of that challenge, we find out who truly will be there for you. We find out we can't handle all that we try to, we find that in the wake of a challenge, all we have left is ourselves, however damaged that may be. And in ourselves, we find that though the appearance is the same, we are breaking down inside. Never have I felt so powerless, never have I felt so tired, physically and emotionally, becuase of the challenge ahead of me. And I am hurt, hurt becuase of being here alone, hurt because the closest person to me is not here for me, not beside me in my time of need.
I find myself so many time during the day just staring out the window, wondering why this had to happen to me, why I deserve to go through this, why he's not here? And I cant help but answer those questions thinking I've done something wrong, that it's because of me that all this is happening, that I must go through this alone.
Nothing makes sense right now, my mind is elsewhere, my heart misplaced. And inside, I feel dissheveled, broken, abandoned. I feel like the people that should know cannot because they would not understand, and the people that do know, the person that should be here beside me right now, is not becuase of his own reasons. And whatever the situation may be, I feel totally alone, so lost, and left behind, a feeling that is all too familiar to me.
There comes a time in life, that everyone must decide where they priorities lie. I guess everyone's priorities are coming out now, even though other people get left behind in the process.
I find myself so many time during the day just staring out the window, wondering why this had to happen to me, why I deserve to go through this, why he's not here? And I cant help but answer those questions thinking I've done something wrong, that it's because of me that all this is happening, that I must go through this alone.
Nothing makes sense right now, my mind is elsewhere, my heart misplaced. And inside, I feel dissheveled, broken, abandoned. I feel like the people that should know cannot because they would not understand, and the people that do know, the person that should be here beside me right now, is not becuase of his own reasons. And whatever the situation may be, I feel totally alone, so lost, and left behind, a feeling that is all too familiar to me.
There comes a time in life, that everyone must decide where they priorities lie. I guess everyone's priorities are coming out now, even though other people get left behind in the process.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
breaking
Warning: if you want a happy, go lucky blog, this isn't it. And I'm not in the kind of mood to write one of those, not today anyway, not lately really at all. So much seems to be going downhill lately, so much I'm sick of dealing with. It's a never ending fight, with life, with parents, with shit in general. I am sick of doing everything I'm supposed to, and getting the raw end of the deal. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me and my successes. I'm tired of no one ever acknowledging anything I do. I'm tired of being here, doing this routine every day, never having time to relax, never having time not to worry.
I am twenty years old, not thirty. I think so much of the time, everyone seems to forget that. I am in school!!! working a minimum wage job just to be able to make it through the month!!!! god damn my parents... never do i get a pat on the back, never do i get a friendly phone call. I'm sick of being the one that does everything for them and gets nothing in return. It's not my fault they are unhappy there, it's not my fault they fucking moved, it's not my fault that their life is not perfect. Because you know what, it was perfect until he screwed it all up by moving, it was until he left me behind that year. I'm sick of dealing with their shit and taking the fall for it. I'm sick of going down there, visiting them even though it's the last thing i ever want to do. I'm sick of being held at the highest regard, they need to realize I am a twenty year old girl working and going to school, not a thirty year old off on my own with a job. ANd I'm sorry, but I am going crazy emotionally, financially, and physically because I can't handle this anymore. I can't do it all on my own. I can't handle the stress of everything they deal to me. I don't deserve this, there are plenty of other people out there that deserve this more than me. Screw them, they don't and will NEVER understand, even though she had everything handed to her. I'm sick of being the brunt of their bad days, of their torn marriage and of everything involved in the hell they are living. I'm not there, theres a reason why.
And if one more person I call a "friend" takes advantage of my grades, of my friendship, I swear I will blow up in their face. I'm sick of being the person that gets taken advantage of. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of never having a stress free day, I'm sick of never having a day to deal without any shit from anyone. I need some time to myself, some time without the looming day ahead. I have been taken advantage of, yelled at innaproprately and without reason, misunderstood and used for too long. I'm tired of being held up on this pedestal, because wake up, I've created that pedestal and I've fucking mastered it. So give me a break! Believe me, I need one more than you know.
I am twenty years old, not thirty. I think so much of the time, everyone seems to forget that. I am in school!!! working a minimum wage job just to be able to make it through the month!!!! god damn my parents... never do i get a pat on the back, never do i get a friendly phone call. I'm sick of being the one that does everything for them and gets nothing in return. It's not my fault they are unhappy there, it's not my fault they fucking moved, it's not my fault that their life is not perfect. Because you know what, it was perfect until he screwed it all up by moving, it was until he left me behind that year. I'm sick of dealing with their shit and taking the fall for it. I'm sick of going down there, visiting them even though it's the last thing i ever want to do. I'm sick of being held at the highest regard, they need to realize I am a twenty year old girl working and going to school, not a thirty year old off on my own with a job. ANd I'm sorry, but I am going crazy emotionally, financially, and physically because I can't handle this anymore. I can't do it all on my own. I can't handle the stress of everything they deal to me. I don't deserve this, there are plenty of other people out there that deserve this more than me. Screw them, they don't and will NEVER understand, even though she had everything handed to her. I'm sick of being the brunt of their bad days, of their torn marriage and of everything involved in the hell they are living. I'm not there, theres a reason why.
And if one more person I call a "friend" takes advantage of my grades, of my friendship, I swear I will blow up in their face. I'm sick of being the person that gets taken advantage of. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of never having a stress free day, I'm sick of never having a day to deal without any shit from anyone. I need some time to myself, some time without the looming day ahead. I have been taken advantage of, yelled at innaproprately and without reason, misunderstood and used for too long. I'm tired of being held up on this pedestal, because wake up, I've created that pedestal and I've fucking mastered it. So give me a break! Believe me, I need one more than you know.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
a little bit broken
I dont know exaclty what I'm feeling right now but I know I am restless for something to change. I am on the edge of NEEDING change, needing something to look forward to, needing life to slow down and give me some time to think. I am restless here in the city that I love so very much and I am restless with the life I know now. For some reason, tonight, I want more than anything to just sit and watch the sun set on some beach or out in the country somewhere. I am restless in this routine I call my life. And while I love the routine, I just need something more right now. I look back on all the memories, on all the steps that got me here and I see so much magic, so much wonder, so many wonderful memories, I can't halp but want those to begin again.
And right now, as my mind is clouded in this restlessness I feel, all I want is to have some time somewhere new or somewhere that I feel safe. I feel so vulnerable at the moment, and in that vulnerability, I feel like I'm losing myself to something out of my control. I don't know exaclty what this is, but I know that as the rain clears, I can't help but feel a little bit lost, I can't help but feel a little bit broken. So as the rain clears and the trees start to glow in the evening light, I will sit here and stare out of the future of my life in these windows and pray that my restlessness will stop and that soon I will feel safe again.
And right now, as my mind is clouded in this restlessness I feel, all I want is to have some time somewhere new or somewhere that I feel safe. I feel so vulnerable at the moment, and in that vulnerability, I feel like I'm losing myself to something out of my control. I don't know exaclty what this is, but I know that as the rain clears, I can't help but feel a little bit lost, I can't help but feel a little bit broken. So as the rain clears and the trees start to glow in the evening light, I will sit here and stare out of the future of my life in these windows and pray that my restlessness will stop and that soon I will feel safe again.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Goals.
As I think about it, the future is wide open in front of me. I have the potential to do anything I want, to go to places I want. My life is only beginning, my ride only just begun. I have dreams, and by all means, I will accomplish them all. And lately, I have been thinking more and more about my goals.. so here they are:
1. graduate with honors
2. work for a few years here in portland in a design firm
3. get married when the time is right
4. move to london and work a design firm there
5. travel overseas
6. move back to states, maybe to some place like seattle
7. visit morocco and the south of spain
8. write a book
9. live in the pearl
10. own a design firm at some point in the future
1. graduate with honors
2. work for a few years here in portland in a design firm
3. get married when the time is right
4. move to london and work a design firm there
5. travel overseas
6. move back to states, maybe to some place like seattle
7. visit morocco and the south of spain
8. write a book
9. live in the pearl
10. own a design firm at some point in the future
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Right...
Suddenly everything in life is fitting so nicely together. Suddenly, I am sure of everything. Suddenly I am sure of him, of our future together, of the world we will create, of what we can do together. I am sure of my career and my passion for design is winning over everything, only becoming stronger and more assured of the right choice that I made. I am sure that this is where I am supposed to be, sure of the friends I have, sure of the place I'm at, sure that I don't want to rush my future, but sure that I want to get on with my life. I am sure of the city, of the sweet breeze that flows in my window, sure of the boy sitting on my bed, sure of the keys in front of me typing, sure of the wolrd at my fingertips.
For the first time I am not questioning, I am happy, sincerely happy, no regrets, no tears. I am sure of where I am, sure of where I am going, sure of where I am supposed to be. Life is right and for the first time in forever that I have no questions running through my head. I am sure... and genuinely right.
For the first time I am not questioning, I am happy, sincerely happy, no regrets, no tears. I am sure of where I am, sure of where I am going, sure of where I am supposed to be. Life is right and for the first time in forever that I have no questions running through my head. I am sure... and genuinely right.
Monday, May 14, 2007
~Sunset in their eyes.
Suddenly, I have no doubts, no aprehensions about where I am going. Suddenly, all is falling into place and everything is working how it should be. He is there for me, and I for him and together we are finding our own way. I look back on how it was last year at this time, and every chance I get, I reminisce in my mind how brilliant it is that he is here. And looking over at him now, I realized something: he stole my heart at 18, when it was shattered and splintered. He took it in his hands and put it back together, he put me back together when no one else could.
It was just two short years ago when I was confused, searching for something, desperate for someone to love me and stand up for me, not someone else's kids, not students or schools, something I had been left behind for by a father that seems to barely understand me anymore. I had lost the confidence I once had and amongst a summer of feigned loves, crushes that were merely nothing more than that, and desperation to find someone that would take care of me, I hurt some people on the way to finding my own self and finding him.
But if I could go back, I would not change a thing. He was who I was meant to find and never before has anyone loved me so much, so deeply, so well. NEver before have I made so many memories with anyone else, nor do I want to with anyone else. He is my whole heart, he is everything that love is supposed to be and I would rather fight with him than not be with him. That's what love is, being with him, seeing him look at me from across the room and knowing that without any words, he is thinking of me as I am thinking of him.
NEver before have I given myself so completely. Never before has anyone held my bare heart in their hands like he does mine. I want to experience everything with him, I want to see him at the end of the aisle as I walk toward him in that church, I want to hold his hand as we walk through the streets of Paris, I want to smile at him when I come home from a long day at work and I want to sit on our patio in the Pearl twenty years from now and still see him smile at me that way. I think that love is found when you aren't looking for it but when you need it the most. In that moment when suddenly you realize you need him, that you need the love and emotion he has to offer, to live yet you didn't see it coming. It's love when one day apart is tough, when life isn't the same without them around, without hearing their voice.
It's love when you've lived 18 years alone and suddenly, you can't imagine not having them love you. It's love when one day you are find watching the sunset alone, and the next all you want to do is watch the sunset in their eyes.
I love you and you have my heart for always.
It was just two short years ago when I was confused, searching for something, desperate for someone to love me and stand up for me, not someone else's kids, not students or schools, something I had been left behind for by a father that seems to barely understand me anymore. I had lost the confidence I once had and amongst a summer of feigned loves, crushes that were merely nothing more than that, and desperation to find someone that would take care of me, I hurt some people on the way to finding my own self and finding him.
But if I could go back, I would not change a thing. He was who I was meant to find and never before has anyone loved me so much, so deeply, so well. NEver before have I made so many memories with anyone else, nor do I want to with anyone else. He is my whole heart, he is everything that love is supposed to be and I would rather fight with him than not be with him. That's what love is, being with him, seeing him look at me from across the room and knowing that without any words, he is thinking of me as I am thinking of him.
NEver before have I given myself so completely. Never before has anyone held my bare heart in their hands like he does mine. I want to experience everything with him, I want to see him at the end of the aisle as I walk toward him in that church, I want to hold his hand as we walk through the streets of Paris, I want to smile at him when I come home from a long day at work and I want to sit on our patio in the Pearl twenty years from now and still see him smile at me that way. I think that love is found when you aren't looking for it but when you need it the most. In that moment when suddenly you realize you need him, that you need the love and emotion he has to offer, to live yet you didn't see it coming. It's love when one day apart is tough, when life isn't the same without them around, without hearing their voice.
It's love when you've lived 18 years alone and suddenly, you can't imagine not having them love you. It's love when one day you are find watching the sunset alone, and the next all you want to do is watch the sunset in their eyes.
I love you and you have my heart for always.
Friday, May 11, 2007
honey bunches of oats
There are moments when I look at you and can't help but smile. There are things I wouldn't trade for anything: the nights out at pf changs, the dinners in, our shows, watching CSI on demand, falling asleep next to you, computer time to ourselves, appetizers at macaroni grill, and so many more. THere are things that make you you and I love every single one of them. We are lucky with what we have and we don't need to put a time limit on it, I am happy how we are, I am happy waiting for whatever's next because I know that with you it will always work out alright.
You are the next step in my life, you are the way I have chosen. It seems such a large decision but i've made it, I've had my doubts and gotten over them, and right now, for now on, I have no doubts about us. You are the person I get excited to come home to, the person that I can tell everything to and the person that makes me feel beautiful always. Time is going by quicker and quicker and I want to be with you as we speed through this life we live. THere are moments that have shaped me, times that have changed me and all those have happened with me. I love you more than words could ever say and I just want you to know, you are the reason I am who I am and I love that about you... I am in no rush for the next step, but I know I want it to be with you.
You are the next step in my life, you are the way I have chosen. It seems such a large decision but i've made it, I've had my doubts and gotten over them, and right now, for now on, I have no doubts about us. You are the person I get excited to come home to, the person that I can tell everything to and the person that makes me feel beautiful always. Time is going by quicker and quicker and I want to be with you as we speed through this life we live. THere are moments that have shaped me, times that have changed me and all those have happened with me. I love you more than words could ever say and I just want you to know, you are the reason I am who I am and I love that about you... I am in no rush for the next step, but I know I want it to be with you.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
dreams
Here I am, in the same week that last year I had fallen apart. In the same day when all seemed lost. Last year at this time, he was gone. He had left me behind for a summer at home. And here I am now, here we are now, in our own home, in this city that taught us to grow with each other and alone. I am looking so forward to this summer, as it will be the first summer in about three years that I won't feel alone. It will be the first summer that I can remember where I will be able to do what I want and what I want is to be with him.
So thank you my love for staying. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you here. I am looking so forward to the next few months, it is a dream come true...
So thank you my love for staying. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you here. I am looking so forward to the next few months, it is a dream come true...
Serendipity: a poem
The high rise soothes the blacktop beneath
our hearts. and the south of traffic through the narrow
streets of home is what makes me breathe.
The moments in between the traffic
light and streetcar are the sounds that cool my breath.
and the sound os footsteps on broken sidewalks
and cobble stone streets is the only way home.
sometimes home is a cool breath on a summer day,
a streetcar ride down to the river,
a high rise view of the city from a new perspective,
or a long walk home when the evening is fresh.
this is where i belong,
this is where my heart is free:
where the sound of footsteps and trains run the sounds
of the street, where the buildings are higher than the light
that guides us,
where a fifteen minute walk will get you all you need,
where dinner can be on the street,
and where even in the rain,
my soul is refreshed at the beauty of the serendipitous city.
our hearts. and the south of traffic through the narrow
streets of home is what makes me breathe.
The moments in between the traffic
light and streetcar are the sounds that cool my breath.
and the sound os footsteps on broken sidewalks
and cobble stone streets is the only way home.
sometimes home is a cool breath on a summer day,
a streetcar ride down to the river,
a high rise view of the city from a new perspective,
or a long walk home when the evening is fresh.
this is where i belong,
this is where my heart is free:
where the sound of footsteps and trains run the sounds
of the street, where the buildings are higher than the light
that guides us,
where a fifteen minute walk will get you all you need,
where dinner can be on the street,
and where even in the rain,
my soul is refreshed at the beauty of the serendipitous city.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Brilliant: a tribute to time
For the first time in a long time tonight, I feel totally at peace, totally in control and at ease with how my life is going right now. I feel like nothing can take away from the peace I feel, that nothing else could make it more real. I have all of it right now, the boy, the home, the routine, the life, the school, the ideas. All of it continues to get more real as I grow and that makes it all the more exciting. If someone would have told me this is the life i would lead, that this was the boy I was going to fall for two years ago, I would not have believed it, because two years ago this may was a very dark time for me, a time of misunderstandings and of being misunderstood. It was a time that things were coming to an end, goodbyes were becoming constants and a new part of my life was beginning. Two years ago today I was scared, aprehensive, and unsure of where I was going. I was sad and in part, a large part actually, angry at the father that had been absent for a year. And here I am now, two years later, new city, new love, new passions, new schools, new home. HEre I am now, still missing the absent father that once I knew better, but anymore I am not angry, not sad, not melancholy and unsure. I am the surest I've ever been that this is what I want. I am the surest I've ever been that this is the world I want, that this is what I want my life to progress into.
It's funny how much can change in a couple of years, and when I look around, some things haven't changed at all. Yet others have changed tremendously. I can only imagine how fast the next couple of years will go by and in that time who knows how much else will have changed. All I can hope for is that it's as brilliant as the last two have been.
It's funny how much can change in a couple of years, and when I look around, some things haven't changed at all. Yet others have changed tremendously. I can only imagine how fast the next couple of years will go by and in that time who knows how much else will have changed. All I can hope for is that it's as brilliant as the last two have been.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
~Hear our Voice~
How many times in our lives are we put into situations where we have no control yet the person that does does nothing or has no idea about what's going on? How many times do people tell us we have the ability to change other's lives or our own, yet when we try to, we are pushed down because of it? I guess that's the world we live in, I guess we need all the rules, all the regulations and corporate guidelines and codes. But when do we get to the point when there is no freedom at all in choices we make, when our own judgement plays no role anymore?
Ever think about when something comes, a code or a regulation, that interferes with your personal judgement, your personal beliefs and procreations. What happens then? What happens when our dreams, our world that we live in and when our generation gives up that sense of dreaming and achieving something more in order to follow guidelines set up by a 50 year old men in some corporate office thousands of miles away with no idea of what our generation wants or needs? When do we stand up and say something, can we even do that without consequence?
In a land of freedom and oppurtunity, it sure is hard to break through the concrete wall our elders have built? IT sure is complicated to get through all the damn legal paperwork to find out you can't even do that in the first place. It seems like as our generation gets older, we just tend to pushed behind the older people in charge. But what no one will stand up and say is that perhaps we are educated and just as smart as they are, perhaps we have input that could help. Yet that is no the case. THat's not how our society is set up,, it's not how it works.
As John Mayer says, maybe we really are just "waiting on the world to change." Maybe we are really just left sitting ducks until it's our turn, but why should we suffer, why should the way of the world suffer when perhaps we have a better solution. I say to all of you, all that have the same ideas that I do, that are smarter than me, that have yet even better solutions than I do to problems we face each and every single day:
Stand up! Speak your mind, there are people that will listen. Though they may be very hard to find, they are there. Take the initiative, say something, do something, write a letter, you never know when you might be the final straw for something to change. You never know when you might be the one that changes it for good.... the final straw for change. We are the future, we are the generation of dreams, not only of dreams that are dreamt up in our minds but the generation that has the most capabilities to achieve those dreams. We are smarter, more educated, wiser and more intune with how things work than generations before us. We are technologically brilliant and mindful of situations, aware of things that those before us did not have to be.
We have the chance, stand up with me, fight with me. Together we have a voice. Let's let the world hear it.
Ever think about when something comes, a code or a regulation, that interferes with your personal judgement, your personal beliefs and procreations. What happens then? What happens when our dreams, our world that we live in and when our generation gives up that sense of dreaming and achieving something more in order to follow guidelines set up by a 50 year old men in some corporate office thousands of miles away with no idea of what our generation wants or needs? When do we stand up and say something, can we even do that without consequence?
In a land of freedom and oppurtunity, it sure is hard to break through the concrete wall our elders have built? IT sure is complicated to get through all the damn legal paperwork to find out you can't even do that in the first place. It seems like as our generation gets older, we just tend to pushed behind the older people in charge. But what no one will stand up and say is that perhaps we are educated and just as smart as they are, perhaps we have input that could help. Yet that is no the case. THat's not how our society is set up,, it's not how it works.
As John Mayer says, maybe we really are just "waiting on the world to change." Maybe we are really just left sitting ducks until it's our turn, but why should we suffer, why should the way of the world suffer when perhaps we have a better solution. I say to all of you, all that have the same ideas that I do, that are smarter than me, that have yet even better solutions than I do to problems we face each and every single day:
Stand up! Speak your mind, there are people that will listen. Though they may be very hard to find, they are there. Take the initiative, say something, do something, write a letter, you never know when you might be the final straw for something to change. You never know when you might be the one that changes it for good.... the final straw for change. We are the future, we are the generation of dreams, not only of dreams that are dreamt up in our minds but the generation that has the most capabilities to achieve those dreams. We are smarter, more educated, wiser and more intune with how things work than generations before us. We are technologically brilliant and mindful of situations, aware of things that those before us did not have to be.
We have the chance, stand up with me, fight with me. Together we have a voice. Let's let the world hear it.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
royal flush
There are moments in my days when I look up and smile. THere are moments when the simplest things drive my sanity, when the rain starts to pour or when the sun breaks out behind a cloud. When you leave a message for me in the most genuine of tones and when the city sparkles from the window I share with the world. This week however, I had less of those moments. I did not enjoy the rain, I did not smile when the sun came out. I didn't have that innocent affection this week, I had too much time to be scared. It seemed like everything turned gray this week, you were gone, my mother once again changed from mom to distracted woman mad at the world taking it out on me, one aunt struggling with a mistake she made, another annoying me about some distant plans and telling me what my life should be like, friends that drove me to the edge. I was alone this week and for the first time in a long time, I felt so totally alone, more alone than I've ever felt since that summer I barely survived.
And in that time alone, I felt the whole world on my shoulders, I felt my whole world collapsing ontop of me. And I want you to know, you are my world, you are the reason it holds up and in no way is this your fault (I'm glad you went). I just need you to know that you are an important part of this world I'm creating for myself. ANd when you're gone, it all falls to pieces.
Why is it that when your support is gone, the whole world comes crumbling down? Why is it that when you need someone the most, when you need friends the most, they are never there?
But I did learn a lesson from this week. I did learn that life gives you challenges, that it hands you a dealt hand and asks you to play it, whether you have the cards or not. And it's when you make an amazing hand out of shitty cards that it means the most. Tomorrow it's all over, tomorrow you're back, bridges are mended, family is put on the back burner. Tomorrow I have a fresh start and tomorrow I get to start over with a new hand, a new deck, and who knows, maybe I'll have a royal flush...
And in that time alone, I felt the whole world on my shoulders, I felt my whole world collapsing ontop of me. And I want you to know, you are my world, you are the reason it holds up and in no way is this your fault (I'm glad you went). I just need you to know that you are an important part of this world I'm creating for myself. ANd when you're gone, it all falls to pieces.
Why is it that when your support is gone, the whole world comes crumbling down? Why is it that when you need someone the most, when you need friends the most, they are never there?
But I did learn a lesson from this week. I did learn that life gives you challenges, that it hands you a dealt hand and asks you to play it, whether you have the cards or not. And it's when you make an amazing hand out of shitty cards that it means the most. Tomorrow it's all over, tomorrow you're back, bridges are mended, family is put on the back burner. Tomorrow I have a fresh start and tomorrow I get to start over with a new hand, a new deck, and who knows, maybe I'll have a royal flush...
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
*Waiting and Wishing*
My hands are typing once again, my thoughts coming onto this page. My eyes are wandering around, waiting, and wishing for something that won't come tonight. But still I know that somewhere out there, you are waiting and wishing too. Still I know that in just a few days we'll be back, we'll be better, stronger, wiser. Once again, I'm thinking of you, of us and in that bond I know we could make it forever. We can be ourselves till forever knocks on our door and we can know we're there with each other, even when we're thousands of miles away.
Here I am, sitting in a place that is not unusual to me but one thing's not here, you aren't here tonight. But baby, I'll be here waiting, wishing on stars until I get to see you again. I'm caught in something much deeper than either or us and in that, I'm caught in love with you for always.
Here I am, sitting in a place that is not unusual to me but one thing's not here, you aren't here tonight. But baby, I'll be here waiting, wishing on stars until I get to see you again. I'm caught in something much deeper than either or us and in that, I'm caught in love with you for always.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
a poem
Faces
It’s getting dark now, the sun is gone,
The trees only black silhouettes outside the window.
I am here in this place where I will be someday,
Staring out at the future that only keeps growing for me.
And to think I’ve come all this way,
I find myself panicked sometimes, forgetting all the memories
That got me here. The people and places that made me who I am
Are no longer as bright in my mind as I’d like them to be.
I have a whole life here, a life that’s all my own,
A life that only he and share. There are friends my parents have
Never met, there are places I go everyday my family has never seen.
There are things my friends know that no one else knows,
Secrets that aren’t really all that secretive.
There have been many in my life, friends, family, loves:
There has always been the closest family I’ve known,
But then there are those I have come to know more fully as well.
Then there have been friends, few that I have kept thorugh the years,
Some that I know I will always keep and those that know me better
Than almost anyone.
There are loves, passions and those that I have cared for deeply and those
That I never could come to fully care about as much as they cared for me.
I have said no to a few and yes to a few, but only one have I found love with.
Life comes and goes so quickly and we get so caught up in the moments
And things we need to do that often time goes by more quickly than
We wanted.
It’s even darker now, but suddenly I see more faces in my mind.
Faces that shaped me, that are shaping me and that keep me going.
For it is memories that are the most important, it is memories
That make us who we are.
It’s getting dark now, the sun is gone,
The trees only black silhouettes outside the window.
I am here in this place where I will be someday,
Staring out at the future that only keeps growing for me.
And to think I’ve come all this way,
I find myself panicked sometimes, forgetting all the memories
That got me here. The people and places that made me who I am
Are no longer as bright in my mind as I’d like them to be.
I have a whole life here, a life that’s all my own,
A life that only he and share. There are friends my parents have
Never met, there are places I go everyday my family has never seen.
There are things my friends know that no one else knows,
Secrets that aren’t really all that secretive.
There have been many in my life, friends, family, loves:
There has always been the closest family I’ve known,
But then there are those I have come to know more fully as well.
Then there have been friends, few that I have kept thorugh the years,
Some that I know I will always keep and those that know me better
Than almost anyone.
There are loves, passions and those that I have cared for deeply and those
That I never could come to fully care about as much as they cared for me.
I have said no to a few and yes to a few, but only one have I found love with.
Life comes and goes so quickly and we get so caught up in the moments
And things we need to do that often time goes by more quickly than
We wanted.
It’s even darker now, but suddenly I see more faces in my mind.
Faces that shaped me, that are shaping me and that keep me going.
For it is memories that are the most important, it is memories
That make us who we are.
In my Dreams
~~~for a friend I see in my dreams~~~~
Are you out there tonight,
are you lost with no one to know your name?
Is your money gone, your mother too?
I'm sorry I'm not there, I'm sorry you're not either.
When did you fall apart,
are your pockets empty and your body dead?
Is life not worth it anymore to wake up every day?
Whey couldn't you ask for help, you knew the hell you were headed for.
Are you out there tonight, it must be cold where you are.
I'm sorry your dreams fell short,
I'm sorry we all fell short when it came to you.
Are you ever going to be okay or am I
going to wake up to a phone call in the middle of the night?
"she's gone."
Are you out there tonight,
are you lost with no one to know your name?
Is your money gone, your mother too?
I'm sorry I'm not there, I'm sorry you're not either.
When did you fall apart,
are your pockets empty and your body dead?
Is life not worth it anymore to wake up every day?
Whey couldn't you ask for help, you knew the hell you were headed for.
Are you out there tonight, it must be cold where you are.
I'm sorry your dreams fell short,
I'm sorry we all fell short when it came to you.
Are you ever going to be okay or am I
going to wake up to a phone call in the middle of the night?
"she's gone."
HOME
Moments come and go, and wow do they go by fast. But this week, I have had so many amazing moments that bringn me back to where I started. Moments of spontanaity with the boy i love more and more, moments catching up with friends, moments coming home, feeling that anxiety to be back in my routine, in this wonderful life I have going. These all have made me realize once again, that while someday I won't be here, that while someday I might be across the country or across the world making a new life for myself, right now, I have everything and more that I could ever need or want.
Flying home the other night, I realized how much this city means to me, how much my life here means to me. I have love, friends and a life I adore and a city I cherish!
Flying home the other night, I realized how much this city means to me, how much my life here means to me. I have love, friends and a life I adore and a city I cherish!
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