Power

What is it exactly that makes people be unfaithful to those they love? How does it start exactly and what is going through their minds? It seems in the past week or so it's been a hot topic, both in the media and personally so many comments have been made about men cheating on their wives in my office, a topic that is unfortunately not rare with the men in that I work with. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's because my whole life I was fairly sheltered from that reality of the world, that I was surrounded by faithful men my whole life, but I didn't realize how rampant this is in our society, not really until this year. How can you do that, come home and pretend like it's all okay? How could you do that to someone you love, or at least loved at one time, enough to be with them, to marry them? How has our society made that so common place, so non-important?

It's been a topic on my mind a lot this week and as I think about it, it's yet another thing that I feel like is so wrong with our world. And I know a lot of people, both friends and acquaintances and colleagues that have cheated on their significant others. And some of them are just bad guys, some of them lost my respect the instant I met them, but some of them are good friends of mine, some of them are girls, some are guys, some it was just one kiss, and others it was a full on affair. And most of my friends were in situations where they really did love their significant other, but cheated anyway. Other colleagues have been cheating for years and years and act like that's just normal, that's just how life works. Either way, when you love someone, and you care about them and their well being, how could you hurt them so deeply, how could you be with someone else and then come home to your wife or girlfriend and live with yourself?

I can't imagine keeping something like that from someone I love, let alone finding out that someone I love had been keeping that from me. And I have to believe that if that happened, if I found out something like that, I would walk away right then and there. And when the truth comes out, why don't these women leave? Why do they stay for years and years in marriages when their husbands are sleeping with every girl they can find? Whey do these women condone this, to keep a marriage together or not, I don't know if that is forgivable, and even if you can forgive, can you forget? And every night when you go bed with that person, you'd be wondering if he is thinking about her. I don't know how you could get over that, how you could stay?

It seems this topic is so ordinary to some, so openly acceptable and I have found that colleagues of mine have just been so nonchalant in expressing to me how they are unfaithful to their wives, and why me? Why tell me that, why make those comments and I think the reason is this: these men that cheat, these men that are unfaithful, for whatever reason, have no respect for me, no respect for women in general, they are selfish and pompous, they are men that don't have the courage to live a life worthy of respect from others. And they sometimes they look at me like any of their other girls, sometimes I know what they are thinking and then I realize that unlike the other girls, there is a part of them that is scared of me because they know me, what I can do and what I stand for. I scare them because unlike all those other girls who give themselves up so easily, I stand for something more, I have more respect for myself not to stoop to that level and I have the power that they wish they had.

Every Moment

There are so many moments in my life that I remember like they were yesterday. Some were good, some bad, some were unexpected, some exhilarating. And as I sit here tonight in this apartment that was supposed to be everything I ever wanted, I feel all those moments all over again. I have been especially reminiscent today, especially remembering all those tiny moments that changed my life in some way or another.

I have learned so much in the past year, and I think I have changed considerably in who I am and what I believe because of what has happened in my life. There are no answers to exactly why things happened the way they happened, but they did happen for some specific reason and I sit here tonight for the same specific reason.

There are so many things that my life has showed me this year, so many things that seem to be pulling me in your direction. So many moments lying here at night, looking out over the thousands of lights, over the dark ocean toward where you are and needing you to just love me, to want me forever, to know that I'm the one, to know that I am worth the risk, worth the adventure, worth everything we could have together.

I can't help but feel such a mix of emotions tonight. I'm unsettled, afraid, anxious, restless, emotional, tired, and calm. But the one emotion that conquers them all, is love. All I need tonight is for you to love me, to know that I am worth every second, every risk, every moment.

Home, For Good

There are moments in our lives when all reason goes away, when we have to go by what we feel, a moment when suddenly for no reason at all, you know exactly how you feel or what you want. I've had a few of those moments in the past few months and it truly is from a guidance beyond us that brings us to those tiny fractions of time. The first time I really felt this way was the moment I knew that I loved Nick beyond anything I had ever known, that I wanted to be with him, that I wanted to stay with him forever, that no matter what happens, my love for him will never change. That moment was a moment in Korea, a moment in my beautiful hotel room, in a country I adore, looking out the window over beautiful and raging Seoul and suddenly I knew for no reason at all, that I had to be with him, that he was my future, he was my soul, my entire heart. That moment changed everything, because at the time we had been taking some time to figure things out, to work things out in our own lives, to see where it would lead us. And in that tiny and most significant moment, I felt everything that I needed to feel, and I felt every emotion that was possible.

And then here last night, staring out at the city in front of me from my 11th floor apartment in the city of dreams for so many, in this city of tradition and palm trees, and I looked out over the darkest ocean towards that home that I have finally found, so many miles away across the ocean. And suddenly, at 10 o'clock on an insignificant Thursday night, I realized that I want to be back there in Portland, that if that means waiting a little longer till I can do it, I want to be there, I want that to be my home. I want to walk outside everyday and smile knowing that this is home, knowing that the grey sky overhead will always soothe me, knowing that I made the right choice, knowing that's where family is, where friends are, where love is, were home is. And it's moments like that that everything becomes clear.

So as I sit here tonight yet again, staring out at the tiny lights across a dark city, out across the dark ocean toward that city that holds my heart... I know that soon I will be home, soon I will walk those streets again, soon I will smile because all this will be over and soon I will rest at night knowing that I am home, really home, not just for a day, but for good.

Never Drifting

There are people in our lives that drift in and out, people that mean nothing and people that mean everything. There are people that we meet by random, people that we click with, people that become part of us, people that cross our minds more often than not, people that things remind us of them, people that can make a difference in your life. And sometimes life poses us with questions, with choices, with decisions and sometimes it all seems so overwhelming, too much to handle, too much to go through to get to the other side. But we must always remember that when life puts us in that position, when it gives us more than we think we can handle, we must remember that there are always those people we love, people that love us, people that are in our lives forever because we understand each other, because we have hopes for each other's lives, that we can make those decisions, that we are strong enough. And we are strong enough because we have those people that will support us, people that will walk with us and hold our hand if we need it. We have those people that drift in and out of our lives, but I am lucky enough to have many that have never drifted away and that stand by my side always...

Holidays

As we approach December and the holiday season, filled with memories, with family, with those we love, with those that we miss, we embark on yet another December, another Thanksgiving weekend, another Christmas, another new year around the corner. And this year has been one of learning experiences, of huge firsts for me, of huge moments and of small ones, of one day trips to Oregon and back, of finding out once and for all that true love will hold true, of losing friends, of losing family. And as I look back on the last year, I have perhaps lost just as much as I have gained this year. Sometimes I think back, four years ago, to my freshman year in college, to when life was so simple, so exciting, so easy. That was a year that I definitely gained more than I lost, and I so sublimely happy. That was one of the best years of my life, I fell in love, lived on my own, met so many new and interesting people, fell in love with my city, and found true peace in myself and in who I was becoming.

It's interesting to sit here tonight and think that last year at this time I was at home asleep next to the boy I love, wanting to spread my wings and fly and go out and find myself again. It's interesting to look back at the moments in my life where I really found what I was looking for, they were always moments that I had lost something, that made me look at what I had and moments when I really had to search within myself to find the answer. And here I am again, in one of those moments. But there is one thing I do know, one thing that I want more than anything else I've ever wanted, is to be there at home next to that boy that is the only person in this world that I could spend every second of every day with, that boy that pulled me out of one of my moments of loss when I met him, a boy that I have seen grow into a man, a boy that knows me inside and out and that knows everything about me, and loves me unconditionally.

We take so much for granted in our lives and if you would have told me last year at this time where I'd be and what I'd be doing right now, I would have jumped at the chance, thinking that this was my moment, that this was the dream. Little did I know that I was already living the dream right where I was, curled on the sofa of a cold apartment with the boy I love.

And so as the holidays fast approach, and we are coming up on yet another December, another new year, all I want to do to bring in the new year is to sit in our little chinese restaurant and look that boy in the eyes and say "I love you, for another year." And that is what the holidays are all about, being with those people that you love the most, and being able to hold their hand and look outside at the rain and the cold bare branches and smile, knowing that you are home and with those people you love the most.

Alone

I have so missed seeing the rain pound against my windows and the way it looks when the sky is as dark as the buildings. And the way that the clouds roll in and you know that rain will be pouring all day long. I love the way the sky darkens and the rain comes pouring from above, the way that it smells, the way that it hits your face, the way that it makes you feel. I love the way everything glistens when wet, and how suddenly, everything is clean again, and it's almost as if the rain has washed everything bad away.

I have spent the morning curled up in my chair watching and enjoying the rain, reading a book that always takes me out of my world for a time and makes me believe in magic, in happy endings, in love. And even after reading it 3 times before, Twilight still manages to capture me, it still holds me together and it still pulls me so deep into another world, leaving all my own problems behind.

Everything is flying at me from all sides lately, and I'm more unsure of everything than ever before. Maybe I shouldn't even try to go back to Portland, maybe I shouldn't even try to go back to the relationship that seems so strained. Maybe I should really just stay here, endure it, and then move somewhere else on my own, somewhere where it rains, where the fall colors change. Maybe I should just go on alone and leave all this behind, because it only hurts me anymore. I do know that I will always need the rain, it gives me such a peaceful feeling to see it rain like this, to see the clouds move slowly over the city, dumping water so gracefully down upon us all.

And here I sit, the rain is done, the heat is back, and I am alone, as always.

Pull me back up

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder if I'm the same person I used to be, if I'm even any part of that little naive girl that grew up in the desert, that little girl that knew nothing of the world except for that little Saudi city, of the gulf, or vacations to
Paris and Cypress and Amsterdam. And sometimes all I want so badly to is go back to that world, not the physicality of it, but the emotional innocence and ease of being a child, especially the child that I was there. To go back to when the hardest moments were when we wondered if the boy next door liked me, when the choice was to walk to school or get a ride. And sometimes when I try to remember, to put myself there in my mind, I can't and that scares me so very much. Sometimes I feel like that part of me is drifting from my mind, like a loved one lost when one day you wake up and can't remember their touch, their feel, their scent. I am forgetting the scents of the desert, the round about that the hub cabs all flew off the passing cars, I am forgetting the view of herds of camels on the horizon, and the rush against your skin of heat and sand mixed.

Anymore, all I feel is the weight of choice, the heaviness of decisions, of indecision. I want so badly to feel the lightness of happiness, or love. To feel that moment when I know that I am special, set apart from everyone else. I want so badly to just let my life happen, that I could have what I need and not have to go beyond that. And I sit here, alone, and wonder if this is how I'll end up in the end, because I'll never get the entirety of what I want from anyone. And someday I'll sit here and look in the mirror at the girl that ended up being so far from who I thought I'd be.

I'm so tired from the energy I exert, from trying to be that girl that everyone thinks I am, rather than the girl I used to be. I'm so exhausted from carrying the weight of it all, so worn out from always having to be the one to make the effort in life, in love, in family. I'm stressed and overwhelmed and lonely, I'm too tired to even cry, it will take too much energy I don't have anymore. And everything that I thought would work out, seems to be falling apart and nothing feels right, not here, not there, not anywhere.


And as we approach the holidays, I don't even have that family to rely on, no big family christmas, no fire places, no family dinners. Maybe it's because I was young, but as a little girl I always remember family getting together, I remember my uncles, my aunts, speaking to each other. I remember grandma's house at the holidays and I remember always feeling that warmth from being there. That however, was before my family stopped speaking to each other, before everyone moved away, before I grew up and felt the weight of responsibility, before I felt the pains of love. That was back when life was simple, when I didn't have to do everything on my own, when I could simply play with my Playmobil and act out the drama that is really happening in my life.

I don't know how much more I can take of this, and sometimes I think, maybe I should just break off every tie I have back home, stay here and just work and live on my own because that might be simpler. Everything is weighing me down, and I'm sinking by trying to get back there because there is no one on the other end to guide me back to the surface... no one is even trying to pull me back up.

Rights For All: Making a Change

Facebook has been littered with comments the last couple of days from both my gay and straight friends regarding the law that didn't pass in Maine this week pertaining to same-sex marriage. And this week, as a good friend of Nick and I's has set the date for his second wedding for just a little over a month away. This will be his second marriage, the first that happened last year, to an 18 year old girl he had known for 3 months and married in 6 months. This time around he has known the girl for about 7 and is getting married at the end of the year. And as I sit here tonight and think about it, about how wrong I think it is... about how he is allowed to do this, make the same mistakes over and over, how he is allowed to make these big decisions with no punishment at all for wrong choices, without any consequences and there are couples all over the world, couples that have loved each other for years, some for decades and many that have had their relationships last longer than so many many straight couples.

If you heard about two couples, one couple that had been breaking up and getting back together for months at a time. A couple that met and married in just a few months, a couple with no real respect for each other, a couple that are getting married in Vegas just for the fun of it, for the party.

And yet on the other side of the country is a couple that has been together for years and years, decades of commitment, decades of true and real honest love. It's a couple that has weathered the storms together, that has made a life together, that has held each other's hand through everything, that have been committed citizens and giving friends, tax payers and voters.

Which would you say is more deserving of a certificate to announce their commitment to each other? Which would you say is more deserving of that choice, that option of marriage?

I am and always will be a firm believer in gay marriage for a number of reasons, but the first and foremost reason being that we are no one to say that they don't deserve that as much as we do. I'm not saying that churches have to open their doors for these marriages, or that religion has to play a role in this at all. So what is so wrong with having a legal document for a couple to exchange vows and commit themselves to one another? How is that wrong?

And the older I get and the more I understand, the more I see how ignorant our country is, how close minded, how unwilling we are to change. From gay marriage, to women's equal rights, to sustainability and environmental protection. When are we going to understand that we are ruining everything?

I sit here tonight and ask you... regardless of your religion, regardless of race or gender or sexuality, how is it legal for people to get married with a snap of finger as long as you're of age and straight, without any meaning or love involved, but when a gay couple in love, devoted to each other isn't allowed even the choice.

And so tonight, as Facebook is a-buzz with this chatter, with comments from people all around the U.S., gay and straight, male and female, hopefully at some point soon we can make a change and someday, we will be a country with rights for all.

All the Pieces

Somewhere in between the rain today and my favorite season of Sex and the City, I think I have made my decision. And while I'm not exactly sure of the details, I just feel like everything is pointing me toward it. I just feel it inside, that this is the next step for me, that this is where I need to go, that this is what is in store for me.

It's something about those things that I love, waking up from a nap to rain, watching that show that has taken me a week to get through to my favorite season 6 episodes, from a friend telling me good luck and to "follow my heart and the rest will follow." It's playing hooky from work today to take this much needed day to myself. And while I'm not exaclty sure of how it will work, I have decided that one way or another, whether it's this offer or something else, I will make it back to the NW very soon... and whether that means I give up some things to make it there or whether it all works perfectly, I'm willing to take that chance.

And I will take that chance for me, and I will make that choice for me. While other people should be able to state their opinion, I am going to make this decision on my own, without outside advice. I believe in myself enough to do that and everyone else should too. Sometimes you just need a day at home to nap, to watch season 6 of Sex and the City, to stand on your balcony on the rain, and to think think and contemplate.

So come next week when I make this decision, I will be making it for me and I will be making it based on how I feel today. Somehow I just feel all the pieces falling into place.

Me, and Only Me

There are moments in life when we are tested. When we have nothing in our control, when we must hurt others or hurt ourselves. There are moments that define us, there are moments that make us the people we are, and that show that to the world. I don't want to be defined by what I didn't do, by the dreams I didn't chase, by the things I didn't go after, by the risks I didn't take.

And here in this moment, it's this decision in front of me entirely in my control and yet, the decision I make will hurt some of those close to me whichever way I choose. So what do you do? Which road do you take? I have never been a person to let someone tell me no when I know it's right, and when something is being dangled out in front of me like this, I can't help but be seduced by it.

I think that sometimes you have to rely on your instincts, and you have to go for things that may not be guaranteed but that will make you happy. And while I may be leaving stability here, I am gaining so much more by taking this risk. I am getting passion for what I love, experience worth more that I ever could have here. I am getting closer to home, I am getting work with someone I greatly admire, my mentor. And I am being asked to do this, of my own accord, without help from anyone else. I am getting this opportunity because of who I am and not who my father is and that means more to me than anything else. And while I am risking security in the meanwhile, am gaining everything that I seem to need right now.

I need to just breathe by myself for a bit and figure this out. I need to not let everyone else's voices into my head because this decision needs to be for me. I need to figure it out without anyone else because it seems when I ask for someone else to listen they just all make it worse for me.

I just need to take a week to think, to realize what I really want, to realize what I really need. And I need to do it for myself and no one else. I can't keep pleasing everybody in my life because I'm giving up what I want and need in the process. So as this week goes on and I have some tough choices ahead, I have to believe in the end, that I will make the right ones, for me and for my future.

No one

We grow up and we're told to chase our dreams, to go after what we want, what we believe in. We are told to run free, to find ourselves, to leap. And then we get to this point, when the decisions we have to make are tough ones, when we must choose one path or another. We get to a crossroads where we must either make a decision for ourselves or one for every one else. We put ourselves into positions then that break our hearts, forcing us to give up what we want for what we should do.

I hate the word "should," because it seems like we do what we "should" do more than what we want to or need to do. Sometimes there are things in life that we must just take a risk with, but when we go to take that risk, we are criticized, we are told that we shouldn't do that.

In the light of a very tough situation this week, I find myself completely alone again. And the people that I thought would be there for me to lean on, are the people that are yet again disappointing me the most. Sometimes I just wish I had someone in my life that was there unconditionally, that made no judgment, and just listened to me when I needed someone to be there. I'm so tired of people telling me that I need to this and do that and it's going to cost this and that, and all the while, I already know all of that. I am a smart and accomplished young woman yet no one in my life seems to give me any credit. I can handle it, I just want someone there to be a phone call when I need it, someone to just listen and not give me what they think and how I should do it. I need to do it on my own, I just want so badly to just talk to someone, and have them listen, nothing else.

We grow up being told to go after what we want, chase those dreams and find something we love to do and when we get to that point, when I am here, at the choice between a job that's going no where and a real chance to chase my dreams, everyone seems to be against me and I'm wondering if the choice I make will be the right one. I wish so badly that the people in my life were more romantic, more idealistic, more positive. I wish so badly that I had that one person to rely on to help me chase my dreams and to support me instead of telling me what I should do, and why I should do it.

I am at a point in my life right now where I am so filled with doubts once again. And after this weekend, when I should have been on top of the world, I feel even more lost. How am I ever supposed to leap and chase those dreams that I have when no one in my life can support me and believe in me? How am I ever supposed to take those leaps when no one in my life will have an open enough mind to understand me?

One of a Kind

I sit here tonight, just as unsure of what's in store for me as I was last night though I am much more at peace. I know that we are all trying to figure out life as we live it and I feel like I need to take this if it comes through, because regardless of the risk, it's what will put me ahead, it's what will make me the person I want to become and it's because I did it on my own, of my own accord. I want to do it for me, for us, to get back to where I want to be. And I want to do it to prove a point, to prove that I am worth the risk, that this is what I'm good at, that this is what I love.

I don't know for sure where I'll be in two months, or two years or ten. But know that I want it to be with you, and I know that might seem scary, but trust me, if we're in it together, it will just be a big adventure, and a lifelong journey together, chasing dreams together and fulfilling them holding each other's hand.

I am at a point in my life where I need to leap, I need to take the risk if I can, and I need to go after this because it's good for me, it's good for us and it's good for my career. Know always that while I may roam for a while, I will always come home to you and if you can just give me some time to roam, if you could roam with me for a bit and let me be that part of me, I promise you that we'll end up back in our home, back in that place that we both love. I promise we'll be okay, I promise that I still want all those things I've always wanted with you. I promise that I want forever and I promise you that I will say yes whenever that question comes around to being asked because I know inside that we are meant to be and while I may need some time to get to the aisle, I will be there someday next to you.

I want to come home to you everyday, I want to see you everyday and smile, I want to go to dinner with you and hold you at night. And while we may not quite be back to that normal yet, we are getting closer, we are slowly catching up to where we used to be. And we are getting there, it may not look like it just yet, but I promise we are. We're getting there and we will be back there again, very soon I promise. Just hold on to me, just hold on to us and believe, believe that this is all just making us that much stronger.

I don't know many more answers tonight than I did yesterday, but I do know this: I know that we will be okay and I know that someday very soon I will wake up everyday again seeing you and I will come home everyday to you. I know that someday soon we will laugh and everything will work itself out. I promise... just believe my love, believe in us, believe in what we have, because it really is one of a kind.

No answers

I don't know what I'm in store for today... but I sit here in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep and wonder what's going to happen. And I may not even find out today, I may not get that answer, but I want it so badly. I want so badly to have my dreams come true, I want so badly to find out where I'm headed, today and in life.

The streets of Honolulu are empty tonight and the traffic lights are all green... and I can't help but wonder, are mine all green right now and I just can't see it? I'm nervous, excited, scared and everything in between. I don't know anything anymore and I don't have any idea where I'm headed and that drives me crazy.

And tonight, I am anxious and nervous and wondering what the day will bring. I'm wondering where I'll be in the months to come, and how my life will turn out. All I have right now are questions filling my head, and I don't have any of their answers.

Choices

I think that there are moments in life where you get to a point where you must define who you are. I have realized that I am a girl that prefers to run free rather than be tied down, a girl that has a strong mind and even stronger soul. I am a girl that is strong and centered and motivated, but also that is contemplative. I am strong willed, strong headed and I believe what I believe. I am as defined in the season finale of season 2 of Sex and the City, a "katie girl," a girl who runs free and all I want is someone to want to run free with me.

Sometimes I need to leap, sometimes I need to think but I will never understand how someone can make decisions without thinking of those around them that they will affect. Life is about making choices, and in those decisions we must make, we must first realize who we are and what we stand for, and then we must choose what to do, considering ourselves first, but also considering how it will affect everyone in our lives, how it will look to them. And while that may not be the romantic notion, it is important. Consideration of others is what defines our lives, it's what sets us apart from everyone out there that couldn't care less. It's what makes us good human beings, what makes us good friends, lovers, people.

When we forget to consider others, when we write off what everyone else thinks, as nice as that may sound, it makes us those people that the rest of us don't admire. There are people in my life that have made very big decisions, and choices that I don't agree with, and while I don't agree with them, as long as they are considerate, as long as they consider how it's affecting everyone else, I will support them. It's the choices that are made purely in the moment, without consideration of others that I will not support. It's those decisions that I don't think should be admired and it's those decisions that will hurt everyone again in the long run.

I am not a simple girl, and I don't have the same dreams and admirations that other girls do. I really never have. And being a "katie girl" means that I see the world a little bit differently, not better or worse, but just differently. I have made many decisions in my life, many that people did not agree with, but in the end, they all realized that I made those decisions by considering everyone else, by listening to their arguments, but listening. By being considerate to what they have to say.

And I'm not saying by any means that I am perfect or that my choices have been perfect, but I have shown consideration always. And it's when those in my life won't show that, that I can't help but take offense. So I keep my mouth shut, but inside all I want to do is scream because that choice makes them one of those people, one of those people that cares only about themselves... one of those people that we already have too many of in this world.

So I will go on, I will be myself, I will be a "katie girl" and I will run free, make my own decisions, and live my own life and not say a word. But sometimes I'd like someone to understand me enough to not force me into thinking something I don't agree with. Sometimes I'd like someone to accept that I feel a certain way and to leave it at that. Sometimes I'd like someone to stand up for me, for who I am, for the person I'd like to think I've become. Sometimes all I want is someone to want me enough to run free with me, to hold onto me, to acknowledge my part in their lives.

Be There

I'll be there when the world starts to fall,
and though I may be an ocean away,
every time it rains, it will remind me of you.

I'll be there for all the years to come,
and we'll be happy,
I'll be there holding your hand and chasing our dreams.

I'll be the girl you believe in so much,
and I'll be her for you.
I'll be the woman I'm supposed to be,
and I'll be her for me.

I'll be there, someday we'll be there together,
listening to the rain,
and smiling because this will all be behind us.

Someday I'll be there again,
and I promise I won't ever leave.

When to Say No and When to Say Yes

Ever since I can remember I have loved the rain, even when I lived in the desert, I always fell in love with the random sprinkles of water that would flood the streets. It's always been a symbol for me, a symbol that soothed me, and that cleansed all the horrible things in the world for me. And now, in the midst of a world that I don't agree with, amidst things that are wrong, and deep in the middle of it, I need that rain to cleanse it even more.

I think that we must ask ourselves where we draw the line. Where do we stop and say no? Or do we go along with all that we don't agree with for the sake of everyone else around us? Do we just say yes, because it's easier than saying no?

I can't get myself to that point, I can't say yes when I should say no. I can't believe that the rest of the world is like this, I can't believe that men in general are like this, I can't believe that our world is so corrupt, because if I believe that, if I say yes because it's easier, then what hope do we have to change?

I can't stop believing in the world I know is there somewhere, I can't say yes to the wrong things. I won't. I won't condone the vulgarity, the insecurities, the inappropriateness and I won't let myself be looked at as a "thing" and not as the smart, successful young woman I will become. I still have more to say, more to do, more to be, and I am so much more than a prop, so much more that what they think I am.

And someday again, I will have plenty of rain, rain to cleanse everything and to start over fresh. I have learned where to draw the line, where I will say no and not be afraid to refuse something. I will not go past what I believe in and I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I know where the line is... and I know when to say no and when to say yes.

Blink

I am sitting here tonight, looking out at the view that I see every single day and I feel no connection, no inspiration to this place. I do however have hope, and faith, and I know that someday I will look back and this will seem so long ago, that someday I will look at pictures of this view and remember this feeling, remember wanting to leave, but also knowing that this place gave me a lot of the answers I really needed at the time. This is only a short period of my life, and in the span of things, nothing... because forever is a very long time.

I sit here and look out the windows tonight, missing you, missing you always. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of you every second of every day, sometimes smiling, sometimes crying. I miss everything about our life and even though I just saw you just a couple of days ago, it seems like an eternity. And I know that I will always be with you, that we have our whole lives to live together and that this is just a short period of time in the span of things, even though it feels like forever. And I also know that while I want so badly to with you, I also know that "there is no rush, that forever is a very long time."

I have hope, and faith, and trust that something will work out for us. I know that we are meant to be together, forever, that I will wake up next to you for the rest of my life and so, in this however much longer we must wake up apart, I will roll over every morning and wish you were there next to me. And in this however much longer it takes to be back together, I will spend every second of every day thinking of you, smiling, crying, wishing. And as our song says, "as many times as I blink, I will think of you."

Today I Saw Hope

Tonight I lay here in this apartment that feels like my home, in a city that has made me who I am, after a day spent walking through showers of falling leaves, wearing scarves and jackets and gloves, eating at old time favorite restaurants, running into people I know in the streets of downtown, running errands with Nick, and just living, living and breathing and feeling... more than I've been able to do in a long time. Today was one of those days that inspired me again, that I could look around at this fabulously beautiful city and know that this is where my heart is and has always been, knowing that this city is where I truly belong, where I fit, where I feel my best, where I feel "home." It's taken me a very long time to get to this place in my life where I can honestly answer that question that I used to hate so very much, "Where are you from?" I would honestly answer that question now, knowing that when I say Portland, Oregon, that is really my home, really the place that is all my own, a place that I moved to when I was just 18 and a place that shaped these last 5 years of my life totally. I would answer that question like this, "I am from a city with more bridges than freeways, a city that you can get anywhere walking downtown in 20 minutes, a city that has the most beautiful fall foliage you've ever seen, the best blankets of snow in the winter, the most beautiful blooms in the spring and the most fantastic color green you've ever seen in the summer. It's a city that many in the world have never been, but a city that people fall in love with. It's a place that I call home, a place where my dearest friends are, the place that I learned to love and to live on my own. It's the place that I saw grow up around me these past few years. It's a city where you run into people you know all the time and where the environment truly is always put first. It's a city that has plug in stations on the side of the road for electric cars, solar powered parking meters and countless recycle bins. It's a place that makes feel the most like me, it's the place that I know I belong. It's home."

Many in my life would think right now because I don't particularly like living in Hawaii and that everything that has happened since my move in June, that I regret taking that chance, making that change. But in fact, the opposite is more true. I don't regret leaving Portland at all, I don't regret needing to make a change, I don't regret moving away from Nick, because I have learned numerous priceless lessons and countless questions to hard questions that I had been asking myself for a very long time. I needed to move away to realize what I had here, I had to leave in order to find out where my heart really was. I had spent my college years here, loving it, but also dreaming of where I would end up. I've spent my entire life trying to figure out where I belonged: was it the part of me that grew up in a foreign country or was it the girl that spent her adolescent years on Oregon? I struggled so much with where I was from, with what part of me I was going to become and I found the answer through a few months of changes, experiences and most importantly, through faith. It took me about a month after leaving to realize a few very important answers to questions I needed to answer for myself.

I realized that first and foremost, while I still have that part of me that's the little half-Saudi, half-American girl inside of me, I am an Oregonian through and through. I call Portland home, and while I may not live there forever, while I may go out and experience other places all over the world, I will call Oregon my home, I will always come back to this city that I love so very much and will feel at peace here, I will feel right here, I will find solace in this place. There is no other place in the entire world that I feel more comfortable, that I feel more like myself and no other place that I can take one look at the city and I am breathless because this city holds not only so many precious memories, but vast hopes for the future.

In realizing that Portland will always be home, I also realized that the relationship I had left there was still more important to me than I had given it credit to be. I had gotten so caught up in all that was happening, graduation, the thrill of someplace new, a new career, a new life, that I forgot to realize some of the most important things in our lives: love, faith, family, peace, friends, trust, loyalty, and faithfulness. And out of this change, Nick and I have grown separately and together in the most amazing way. And while it took me a very long time to get to this point in my life, I know that there are moments when we will fight, moments when we'll disagree, but all in all, I don't want to go through that with anyone else. This separation has made us both realize, very independently of each other's decisions, that we want to be together, that we want to go through life's moments together and ultimately, what we feel is true, honest and happy.

To say that the past 5 months have been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. And there are nights when I cry myself to sleep because I feel so helpless, so unable to make a change, so discouraged at what has been presented to me as to what the world is like. And never in my life have I felt more naive, more unaware of what goes on in our world and what horrible people are out there. My mentor and teacher told me last week after a wonderful and very encouraging phone call, she said "that while these wrong things that people do are indeed very wrong, we must endure it. But we must always know ourselves that while we must endure it, they are not okay." It's people like her, like Nick, like family and friends that spoke those words of encouragement and understanding.

And it's days like today, when a decision I made on a whim was perhaps one of the best decisions I've made in a very long time, that cleared my mind, that gave me hope, that gave me faith. The past month I have felt so lost, like all faith had been lost, all hope gone but today I stood at the Riverfront, and stared out across the bridges, at the falling sheets of leaves, at the beautiful place where it all began for me. This was after all the place I fell in love, the place I stayed my first night alone in my first apartment, the place where I made some of my first real decisions about life, where I've met friends that will be in my life forever, where I graduated college, where I've celebrated with friends and family and cried with friends and family. This is after all the place where, when I first moved here, used to take the streetcar down to the riverfront and sit for hours on a park bench over looking the river, under the cloudy overcast sky, with gloves and scarves on, and listen to music and just write. I would write about the day, about the world, about my future, about falling in love, about the city, about life. And today, I stood there again, in that same spot, and suddenly I knew, that the things that I always believed in still do exist, I might just have to work a little harder to get them. I stood there and realized that I am still that girl, writing about love and life and faith, that I am still that girl with dreams. And while those dreams may have changed from what they used to be, they will come true someday, I will make sure of that.

I stood there today in my spot, in the spot that used to make me feel so whole, so alive and I felt it again today. Somehow this time of year, this city and that spot make it all come true for me, and I saw hope today. I saw faith returning and I can't wait to see what comes next.

Heart Pounding

Sometimes I have this dream. Usually we are somewhere with a lot of people around, a theater or arcade or something and it's noisy and it's crowded and I've met you there. And you sit me down and tell me that you don't want me anymore, that I'm who you love anymore. And every time I have this dream, I wake up grasping for air, heart pounding, and horrified at the thought of that someday happening. What makes us know for sure that the person we love won't do that to us, what's holds to them really? A piece of paper, a wedding ring on our finger, a promise?

In this society of divorce and heartbreak, how do we ever really know for sure that we won't be left in that crowded place, heart pounding, trying to grasp for air when the one person you've loved your whole life doesn't want you anymore. My dream feels so real, so true and I wake up with a real and very unnatural heartache. And so I sit here in the middle of the night, heart pounding still and arms shaking as I write this. I have this dream often and I hate it, I hate this feeling, I hate waking up with no one here but me, no one to hold when I have these dreams. I hate knowing now I'll have to wait until morning to talk to him, knowing that my life here isn't really a life because he's not here with me. I hate the feeling of not being able to roll over into his arms and feel safe again.

I don't feel safe, I don't feel right here. I don't fit. It's getting harder and harder everyday. All my smiles are fake, all my laughs are for show and sometimes I don't know if I can keep up the charade.

So here I sit, in the middle of the night, with my heart pounding in my chest, wishing I was there, in my bed, able to roll right over and hold on to him to ride out the storm.

Edward and Bella

In our world we are surrounded by amazing love stories, in movies and on tv, in songs. We are told to go for it, to leap for love. We are told that it's ok to fall in love in a week, to get married in a month. And while I'm no one to judge, I personally don't believe in love at first sight, I believe in "falling in love at first sight" which I think is a totally different thing. Someone on facebook said is nicely the other day... "love is what is left over after falling in love goes away." So very true and so very necessary. Love is what you acquire over the course of time, it's the feeling after 4 years with that person, it's still missing them, still wanting them.

I don't believe that love is found in a few months, or discovered in a week. I don't believe that you can give forever to someone that quickly, it's not fair to either person. I don't believe that love can just happen, while that's part of it, it's not the entire thing. Love is something you work toward, that makes you want to work for it, that you have to mature, and grow in it. Love does not mean happiness all the time, it means being happy and being upset, it means hurting and being loved, it means fighting and smiling, crying and laughing. That's life.

So when I look to the greatest love stories of my time, I don't look at Khloe Kardashian married after a month, or Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. I look to Edward and Bella, to Carrie and Mr. Big. I look to Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, I look to Charlotte and Harry, I look to Rufus and Lily and Marissa and Ryan. These are love stories that took time to develop, love stories to admire, love stories that took the time to fall in love and then afterwards... to just love.

And when I'm really feeling lonely and needing a reassuring love story, I take out Edward and Bella and read with them for a bit. A love story that transcends our culture today and in them... I find faith, and hope and love always.