You'll See

Here I am. Twenty years old and farther along than either of my aunts ever got. Here I am, more mature, more stable and more independent than either of those women have ever or will ever be. I have one aunt that is nearly 50, still drugged up on painkillers most of the time, who has married all three of her husbands to get out of her own debts, who cares more about her weight than the idea of morality. I have another aunt who until recently, I was very close to. She is a little younger, mother of one child that she has no control over. She hides in a world that she believes exists, stays close with her ex husband that cheated on her and left her, who married a new woman and has a new family and who still treats her with no respect. She lives a life financed by his money, finacned by the man that deserves no respect from her. She has no career, no way to create income, no stability in her emotional life and no stability in raising her son.

These women are supposed to be the ones that I should look up to. These are women that should have become strong, decent individuals. Yet here I am,, more mature, more stable than they are. I spent three hours on the phone with them tonight, one conversation blurred by the slurring words of one aunt high on some kind of medication. The other conversation being bitched at by another aunt that needs desperatly to learn to control her emotions and realize the life she is actually leading.

It's ironic. Most girls my age have these women they put on the heroes section of their Myspace pages. Women that they look up to, women that do things that they admire. Here are my choices: a mother who will not stand up for herself to a husband that has faded in sincerity and genuinimity, one aunt that has no means of supporting herself, a son to raise whom she has no control over and that is hiding behind a wall so large that no one could ever break it down, and another aunt that has married three men for their money and has nothing left of herself from all the plastic surgery she's had and all the disorders she's put herself through to look that way. Lucky huh:? I have amazing women in my life, the sad thing is that none of them will stand up for themselves, for who they are or for what they could be. All of them are so talented, have so much going for them, yet they are wrecked, hidden inside their own walls, draped by a curtain of shame and guilt and misguidance.

Here I am. TWenty years old and I can see it so clearly even for how young I am. I can see how life took its tole on them. I will not let it take the same tole on me. You'll see.

rant

I really don't feel good... my throat is constantly hurting more tonight and i think it's not because of the strep throat I just found out I have, it's because I'm just tired of the routine, the same old shit, the same fights, the same little things over and over again. It's like a constant pain in the back of my throat, a constant reminder of something. And I can't help but link that to the past week for me. HEre I am, almost done with this quarter that no one seems to understand how hard it was, almost time for MY break, MY time off from everything. When everyone else has time all the time to just do what they want, time to play with friends, time to watch tv and movies all day and then crunch in homework at the end of the day when all i have is that time to spend with others. I'm sick of going from school to work and then coming home to homework. I'm sick of then coming home to pick up after everyone else and then complaining and feeling like its my fault. I'm tired of feeling guilty about the time I'm away. I'm sick of no one understanding. I'm tired of being counted on for everything, by everyone! I'm tired of being the daughter that has to take her day and drive home, tired of being the friend that constantly has to answer questions for everyone else and then being taken advantage of, I'm tired of being responsible for making plans, for making dinner, for cleaning up and doing everything. I'm tired of not having any time to have any fun for myself. I'm sick of going to classes that have no point and then coming home to do homework that has no point. Taking tests that don't really need to be taken and having nothing go right. I'm sick of feeling guilty for sleeping well, thinking its my fault that others don't. I'm sorry that I ask to be picked up, that I may be two minutes late and that you might have to wait. My bad. I should always be perfect, I should always be on time, I should always get A's, I should always have a clean apartment and clean yours in my spare time. Ha, my spare time. I'm tired of spending so much god damn money, I'm sick of the routine, the time that I actually have to ask to spend with you. I'm tired of having to give attention to everyone around me, I'm sick of feeling guilty for the attention I do get. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. I do not have immunity to things like this. I am SICK, TIRED, STRESSED, ANNOYED, ON EDGE, IMPATIENT, and I don't care what any one thinks: I need someone to understand.

my one and only

Though I'm alone at the moment, I know the rest of my life I won't have to be. It is because of you that I don't have to be lonely, because of you I don't have to lose this fight we're all fighting. And I've found that someone that makes me whole. That someone that will not go a day without talking to me on the phone even if he is away. You are that person that mouths "I love you" to me from across a crowded room, that kisses me with passion every time and that covers me up before I even have to ask because you know I'll get cold. You are the one that always makes me calm down, the one that takes me to get mcflurries after work and the one that lets me have "money position" even though you don't like it. You are the one that loves taking pictures of me even when I hate it, that would drop anything you were doing to make sure i was happy. You are the one that would move around the world with me to be by my side even though you would much rather stay put in one place. You are the one that leaves me little notes to wake up to, the one that is so patient with me and that laughs at me when you think I'm cute. You are the one that never forgets to pick me up and always tells me I am beautiful even when I don't feel it at all. You are the one that holds me when I'm upset, the one that wants to introduce me to everything and the one that promises me your love every day.

You are the one I want to spend my life with, you are the one that has total faith in us, in our relationship. You are the one that makes me whole, the one that keeps me centered and grounded, the one that saves me from myself. You are the one for me, the only one. You and I were meant to be together. You are the one, the one and only and I love you more each and every day.

*dedicated to my one and only*

I don't know how you do it. I don't know how your faith does not falter, but it never does. When I'm at my darkest moments, you are the brightest of lights, and when I am in the deepest valleys, you are on the highest cliffs. Your faith in us is unfaltering and for that, I owe you my entire heart. My love, everytime you hold me in your arms, everytime you drive me to get dessert, everytime you show up at my apartment, you mean more to me. Every moment we're together or even apart, my love only grows.

Life is flying by us so quickly, and time is only getting shorter. But with you, I know it's worth it. When you smile at me from across the room, show up with flowers, apologize even when it's not your fault, kiss me at the most random of times. When you meet me with a kiss and tell me you love me, when I get mad at you and you feel so bad. All those moments mean the world to me. And all the moments we've experienced together from first moments to lasts, I wouldn't want to have experienced them with anyone else.

And love, I know I make things difficult. I know I overexaggerate and go on and on about things that don't deserve so much attention. I know I complain a lot and wish things were different, but honestly, I love you so much and I love you even more for loving me and putting up with me. Thank you baby for loving me, for being the brilliant guy you are and for treating me like you do. I can't wait till you get back, please hurry and come home. I love you.

lonely

The life I've always known has been alone, the life I grew up living was making sense of it all on my own. The majority of my childhood was spent playing alone, spending time alone, being on my own, doing things on my own. I've never needed anyone really, I've always been independent, always readily available to step up to the responsibility. But now, I am alone after two years of being with him. I can't believe I did this all last summer and I know that if I had to do it again, our relationship would suffer deeply. Maybe it's me, but I can't do it again, I can't say goodbye again, I can't go through it again. I know I'm selfish for this but honestly, being alone is not somethingg familiar to me anymore. It scares me now, it scares me not being with him. As much as I love having my time to myself, I'd rather sacrifice it all forever to be with him, for him to be with me here.

Love, I want you here, need you here. You are my whole world and when you're not here, nothing makes sense, nothing means anything. Nothing is familiar, nothing real. I am just living a shadow of my life when you are gone and although I'm selfish to want you up here all to myself, I can't help but want that. You mean everything to me and when you return, it's a new start, a new era, a new age.

Pink Polka-dots

Pink is not only a color to my eyes,
It’s warmth and love, it’s roses and polka dots,
Smiles and friends. I am not who you think
I am. I am a girl, lost and found, stressed
and calm. I am a long lost twin, an only child,
a sister to a younger brother and a lover.
I was once naïve of the world out there, the world
in which we live and grow. I am a survivor,
a solider in a growing fight of a generation
about to lead the rest. I am ambition,
resilience and strength, but soft, genuine and sincere.
I am a writer, a poet, a designer, an artist.
I am a philosopher ready to speak my mind to save
the many who are lost, unready for what I have to say.

I have loved with everything inside this flesh, lost
everything I thought I was and found that my soul
has yet to see the day when it will find something more.
I have given faith and taken it, I have found a resting
place somewhere in the middle and moved on from the world
I was once a part of, the world that bore me and that then threw
me away. I am nothing more or less than you,
but I do have dreams, passions, prayers, and a signature
that will someday be worth something to someone.

Pink is not only a color to my eyes,
It is my flesh, my eyes, my skin, my soul.
I have been no where and there and everywhere
in between. I am fighting my fight, finding my faith,
and finishing what began twenty years ago.

turning to spring

It's amazing how two days of spring can change your outlook on life. For the past two days, the sun has shown, the wind has been warm and my soul has been finally at peace. Without a lot of work, without a lot of stress, life is beautiful. And here we are... in this together, in this life together, for good or bad, we're in it togetherand that's all that genuinely matters.

I can't imagine having to say goodbye again, for that amount of time. I can't imagine going through it again, but I don't have to. You're going to be here, you're going to stay with me. You're going to give it all up for me. Thankk you. I can't wait for the spring to start, for the sun to shine and for the world to spin slowly again. So here we are... waiting for the world to change as spring starts and our world begins.

in my own time~

Insecurity is a large, overwhelming word in itself, not even mentioning the feeling it portrays. And at this age, when I am not a little girl anymore, but not really a woman yet, it's hard to accept who I am, how I look and the reasons why some things happen and some things don't. Like most girls my age, and ages younger and older, insecurities are something that are a constant factor in every day life. And for the first time in my life, I am making this known to all that are close to me, for the first time in my life I feel like I can tell people that I have insecurities just like everybody else. There are things I hate about myself, parts of my body I am uncomfortable with and parts of my life that I feel insecure about.

Those things are a part of me, they always will be, I just have to learn to deal with them, which is perhaps the hardest part. I think much of the time, like everyone says, that people don't even notice the little things I do or react to them the way I do. But that doesn't matter, I still see them, I still feel them, I still have to deal with them. WHen they say, don't worry about it, it only makes it worse because then I do worry about it. Then I do focus on it when I see myeslf in the mirror or worry about what other people think. It's something that I have to work on, something I need to do on my own. You have to realize that every time you turn me down, every time you make a joke about how I look, everytime you say something I take it personally, I take it to heart, I take it as you noticing a flaw. And the thing is, I have to get over it, I have to deal with it, but I have to do it on my own, and without anyone's help. But you have to realize, I will always have some aspect of it, I will always hate part of myself, or be worried about if other people are noticing it too.

Insecurity is part of me, part of life... i just have to deal with it in my own way, in my own time...

Sanity

Tonight, there is hope for the lost,
sincerity for the unkind-hearted,
shelter for all those without.
Tonight, there is a moment for the restless,
a star through the clouds,
a drink for the thirsty and food for all that hunger.

Tonight there is hope,
tonight there is a moment to simply sit and relax,
to find peace again after the storm has blown through.
Tonight, I am me again,
i have hope again,
I am sane again.

overwhelmed and scared~ welcome to my moment

We go through life just hoping to make it to the next milestone. Hoping that our weddings will truly last forever, hoping that the person we fall in love with at 19 is the person that will make us smile for the rest of our lives. We meet people and then lose them, we lose people to death and to distance and tears, so many tears will fall from our eyes as we go through our lives. Even here and now, tears fall from my own eyes, not quite sure what mourning they are taking but sure enough that it all means something. We get in routines, in ruts, in times when tears are all we have. And we have to let them fall... tear drop stained pages of our lives are what will make the most impact in the time we have here.

I am the lucky one, I am the one that truly has nothing to complain about, though I've had my fair share of tears. I've never lost someone to death that I'm extremely close to, never watched someone leave our realm. I know of those that have lost brothers to accidents, boyfriends to stupidity, girlfriends to something totally out of our control, mothers and fathers to sickness, friends to drugs, alcohol and so much more. And I can't imagine the hurt it would cause me, the pain that I would endure by losing someone close to me. I don't think I would make it through the same as I am, I don't think I could handle that. And every day that something reminded you of them would kill you all over again. I honestly don't think I would recover, I don't think my eyes would be able to even cry anymore, for even that emotion would be too overwhelming to me.

And then we come to talk of the end. The end of life, the end of a love, the end of an era. Tonight, something ended, something that had a great deal of meaning to me. Something that has many memories rooted in my past, friends I've lost both to distance, contact, and to greater things like drugs and lives that are rocking on the edge. Tonight, it is not just a tv show that is gone, tonight it's an era that is gone forever. Tonight, something that I remember growing up to is gone, something that I could relate to, something that so many of us could relate to is gone. It's almost as if I lost a friend tonight,

But then again, life goes on. Sometimes we find that the ending is also a new beginning... sometimes that boy we fall in love with at 19 really is the one we will want to spend the rest of our lives with. Somtimes the people we lost become more a part of us than those that are around us. Sometimes all we need is to cry a little, give a little and then move on. Sometimes life gets too overwhelming and there's no one to hear our cries for help. Sometimes we need to just breathe, slow down and stop for a moment. And as a very smart character named Carrie once said," I've done the merri go round, I've done the revolving door, I've finally found someone I want to stand still with. Will you stand still with me for a moment?" So here I am, asking the same question,

"Will you keep me as I am, hold me tight when I cry, and love me no matter what? Will you take a moment to stand still with me and hear my cries?"

I love you... and I hope you can always love me too.

just remember....

Sometimes life can get a little overwhelming. Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and behind in our lives, let chaos overtake us instead of enjoying the moments. So here's a few little reminders of amazing things we encounter every day:

.there is nothing more beautiful than the first sign of spring
.a giggle with a friend can mean more than anything else
.you have to realize, this is just the beginning of another day
.you have that choice to take every chance or let it pass you by
.there is always tomorrow
.having someone to love is the best feeling in the world, thank them for loving you when you get a chance and appreciate them for who they are and what they do
.a weekend with a parent, brother or sister, family member that you haven't seen in a while will mean the world to them just to spend time with you
.remember, someone always has it worse
.and someone will always have it better
.there is no need to know everything that happens behind closed doors, let it be and move on
.learn everything you can, life is one huge classroom with teachers coming in and going
.what you have, be thankful for it
.sometimes all you need to do to relax and slow down, is to read your favorite poem or quote and remember, those people had it tough too
.remember that this is the not the end, but while we're here, we might as well make it worth while
.sometimes, one song can make your day special
.life is so short, don't rush it along, as much as we'd all like to
.spend your money on things you want, but don't go overboard, keep yourself grounded
.spend a night with girlfriends, wine and sex and the city and you'll realize how lucky you are to have friends that make each day special
.take a break from school or work one day, and do something you want to do
.when you are someplace you will never be again, take a mental picture and go there in your head every few weeks when you're stressed
.keep dreams going throughout your life, even if you might never achieve them
.don't be afraid to love someone that might not love you back, remember: they are the ones missing out
.get excited about small things, you'll be happier in the end
.try to overcome issues about your body, someday you'll look back and think, "damn, i looked good."
.remember that intelligence is something that no one can ever take away from you, embrace it and use your brain
.when you find someone in your life that you love, don't let them get away
.there is nothing better in the world than having friends that know everything about you and that love you anyways
.there is nothing wrong with being a little immature sometimes, but sometimes, is the key word
.when someone asks you to dance, take the offer
.if the oppurtunity arises for you to accomplish your dreams, take it with outstretched arms
.keep your morals in mind, but don't let them overcompensate
.find something you believe in, whether it be faith, religion, love or anything else, and hold on to, it will never let you down
.when someone needs help, help them... sometimes just a smile will help someone in ways you didn't even know possible
.tears are the way God made to have our emotions shut off and reboot... cry! it might ruin your makeup, but it will cleanse the soul
.laugh!
.remember the past is the past, you are the way you are because of it, but it has nothing to do with where you are now or are going
.chocolate can cure anything, from emotional break downs to a day gone all wrong
.do the best you can on everything, you never know when it might be your oppurtunity for something else
.love with all you have, laugh every day and smile becasue today is a miracle and it's worth it...

Together~~~~

Here I am, the same feeling I always get when I'm here: alone, worthless, a ghost in their new lives. I am home this weekend, well home meaning in my parents new house in their new life, with nothing of mine except the few belongings I brought with me. And all I can think about is how I want to be at home, how I wish I were with him, laying beside him, watching our show together and cuddling underneath the abundance of blankets. I miss him. More than anything.

Here I am again, feeling nothing familiar, in a cold house, with a distant mother, father and brother, in a life I never knew surrounded by people and places I never knew but must endure anyway. I miss the familiarity of him, I miss the long evenings doing nothing, the days when we could run errands and be together. I miss you my love... more each and every minute that passes. You have been on my mind and on my lips all night, speaking of you, thinking of you. I should feel secure at home, yet all I feel when I am here is a need to be with you, a need to be back at my home, at our home, together and a need to feel safe in your arms, warm in your embrace, and needed in our life together.

why them?

It seems that lately in life there are things happening all around me. And lately especially, those things are making me wonder when I'll be able to have that, when my life will be able to be like that. My closest friends are one by one moving on, making futures themselves, they are getting married, having kids, moving in with their significant others. They are making choices that I wish I could be making. And while I know that I am in no way ready to get married, I am ready for that next level of commitment. I am ready to do it on my own and to make decisions together, to become more a part of each other's individual lives. I wish so badly that I could, everyday I wish that I could find a way around it, that my parents wouldn't be so against it, so neglecting of it.

My whole life I've done what's expected, I've followed the rules, I've done everything right, gotten good grades, made good decisions and did things to the best that I could, so why is it now they don't trust my decisions? Why is it now they put the foot down, now that they decide I can't do that or they shut me off? It seems ironic, for after all, why did I do it all those years to please them if it has no pay off in the end?

I feel so much like those friends are passing me by, that they are getting to experience things I might never experience or that might be a long time until I get them. And I could not be happier for them, I couldn't express my enjoyment more in hearing their stories, how life is for them. But somewhere still, in the back of my mind, I feel like I might miss out. I feel like I am missing out, like they are moving on quicker, better. I know I'm young, I knkow I have a lot of growing left to do, but why them and not me?

How long do you go following everyone else's rules? How long do you go without following your heart, without jumping at every chance you get. How long does life go on like this, living pay check to pay check, never being able to jump on a plane and wake up in a new city, a new country, a new continent. Why can't life be a series of chances? Why can't we jump at all of them? We can't because too many people in our lives are telling us no and laughing at our ambitions.

I for one will say right here and now that I will move around the world, I will live in Paris, I will live and work oversseas for a number of years, I will return to the states and accomplish every dream I've ever had. I swear it to myself, to all those that doubt me. My dreams are what defines me, my ambition what pushes me. Someday I will look back on this piece and I will smile, knowing that my ambitions were challenged, my goals reached,, my dreams achieved. Hopefully all those that I love so much will support the dreams I've always had, hopefully they will be there by my side, supporting all the choices I make, however rash they might seem.

Life is too short to waste it on ignorance or on not going after what you want. I will go after all that I want, I will achieve all the goals I have set. Just wait and see.... all those that have given into a life of ordinary days, all those that have given into all that they never wanted, you deserve more... take a chance!

Life Lessons

The way the bubbles peak upon the water in the bathtub.
The way you smile when you're sad.
My pink blanket.
Golfing at sunset.
Curling up when it's raining outside.
Laughing with friends you feel you've known all your life.
Calling someone your best friend even when you only see them once a year.
Relating to someone you'll probably never hang out with.
Sharing secrets with an aunt.
The way my pink walls look from the street.
Doing something you're not supposed to.
Lying to your parents even though what you're doing isn't really wrong.
A phone call with my Grandma.
The way you pay so much attention to what you write.
The way I can feel my life changing, moving on.
That feeling I'll never forget, that feeling of resentment towards my father I used to have and that I'll always feel a bit of.
The dream that wakes you up and makes you wonder why you had it.
The friend that's lost in a world of drugs and sex that you cannot get her out of.
The way the candles burn until they burn out.
A TV show that brings you into its world.
Saying something I shoudln't to someone I shouldn't.
A much needed vacation when you're at your breaking point.
The Eiffel Tower in the next room, knowing I'll return there someday.
The thought of packing everything up and flying somewhere exotic.
Knowing that at the end of the day, I'll always have you to come home to.
The way we like all the same things and hate all the same things.
The sound of the wind against the window.
Being so cold is hurts but knowing there's a warm blanket for me at home.
Managing to always lose one glove.
The way life works out when you least expect to.
The moments when you think everything is lost and two seconds later, everything is found.

i love you because....

I don't know why I doubted you. I don't know why I doubted us. Somewhere in my mind I guess I didn't realize what I had, I guess I was scared of who I would become, of what I would become. I guess life got in the way of me and you. I guess I was wrong, no. I KNOW I was wrong. Life came at me from all directions these past few months and time went by that I struggled with all that I had to do but it was always you that I came back to, always you that I could call, always you that would hold me when the times got tough. I think our love grew through the rough patches, through the moments when I broke down and you fixed me back up, patched up the areas that left scars and held my hand as I moved on. I'm going to take this from you: but somwhere inside I really do feel like I've always loved you, like you've always been with me,, like you've always known me like you know me now.

I don't want life to get hectic and sweep us away from the world we've created. I don't want life to take away from what we have and I know it won't. With you, I'd go through anything because I know you'd be there for me at the other end. Please know that no matter how chaotic life gets, how emotionally broken I become, I will never stop loving you. You are the other part of my heart and the air that I breath.

My heart still flutters when you walk through that door, still smiles when I hear your voice and when you hold my hand, everything bad in the world goes away. Thank you for listening, for doing as i ask and for going along on my crazy tangents and emotional breakdowns. You are the strongest person I know and you are never to fragile for me, no matter how hurt you are inside. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You complete me, you are me, and I you. I love you more than words can say.

you truly are ..... brilliant.

"Amazing"

There are moments when all your hope is lost. Moments when suddenly nothing makes sense, brief moments that perhaps linger a bit too long on the mind and too much is read into them. I have these moments, I do. But then, just as I think everything is falling apart you come through and amaze me once again. You are the rock I hold onto as the storm billows through, you are the reason I keep walking everyday on through my life and through the world. You are the one who will hold my hand even when I'm furious at you, you are the one that makes me smile even when you're dying inside. You are the one that changed me beyond all that I thought possible.

I love you. I always will. And I'm sorry for doubting you, for doubting us. But that's just me, that's just how my mind works, I question things all the time. But you are the reason that I know this is real, the reason I know that life is supposed to happen like this. You are my reason for life and for love. Thank you. I love you beyond anything I ever thought was possible to love this much, I love you more than I ever knew I could.

thank you.
you are amazing.

Test

This is a test. Something to see if the words are real to you. An ode to someone, to someone that I love very much. I love the way you caress my hair when we're laying watching TV, the way you look when you're so tired you can barely keep your eyes open. I love the way you get so excited about making me dinner and the way you always make sure I'm warm and covered with a million blankets. I love the small random im's when I don't expect it and I love how you'd drive downtown to pick me up at 2 am from work. I love the way you look when you're really concentrating on something and the expression you get on your face right when you're about to sneeze. I love when you just come up and do the dishes without having me ask and how you light candles and draw me a bath when you really know I need it. I love how you make me do things even when I say I don't want to but secretly really do and I love how you know everything about me, and how you'll lay with me and just relax whenever I ask to.

I do miss the way we used to be too though. I do miss how you used to leave stuff at my place and call it your home. I miss the icards in the morning or the random notes next to the bed. I do miss the random trips to the riverfront in the middle of the afternoon and the way it used to be when I didn't have to fight about the petty things. I miss how you used to come in a kiss me and ask me how my day went or how you used to show up and surprise me with frosties. I miss the surprises and the subtle gestures. I miss the gin games and being all you cared about. I miss the carefree days and the days when we'd be happy just to be together. I miss so much about how it used to be...

so I guess love moves on from the small subtle gestures in the beginning months, but why does it all have to be lost? I love you so very much, where did all of the romantic gestures go?

plans

I never expected to be here. I never thought my life would be at this point, at this juncture, this moment in time. My whole life I believed that I was going to be that independent single woman, the one with the fancy apartment and the amazing job. I always thought I'd get married, but not this soon in my life, not like I see it happening now. I've never been the girl that fails, the one that acknowledges her fears. I've always gone with the flow, taken the path and seen where it leads me.

But here lies the confession: I am scared. I am scared that life came at me from all angles and that it's too soon. I'm scared that I'm losing that independence I always admired in myself. I'm afriad that what I want to do in my life,what I've always dreamed of doing and all that I had planned will not happen, I'm afriad that what I want will all be washed away in the scope of things. My fears are real and I am confessing to all that will listen. Life seems right at my doorstep, right in front of a girl still trying to accept all that's been dealt to her.

I will say this: I am so deep in love that it scares me sometime, it scares me that it came so fast, it scares me that life moves so quickly. It scares me that love is so fragile, so hard. I want nothing more for my life to begin, but at the same time, it scares me to death to be at that stage.

Storm

Secret storms come over my bones
just to break them by wind and ice.
The swells break upon my skin like tiny
pixels of sand upon a shore, spread as far
as the eye can see. My skin melts at the forceful
heat of the swell, at the rush of water against force
inside of earth and pixelated dirt.

There are moments when all the debris
seems to drown me in my own heap of life.
The days pass on as more swells come
crashing down upon my stolen heart,
my swolen soul and my sweltering heap of a life.
At times, life is too much to bear, too much
to hold upon my tiny shoulders that bear too many
scars already. The storms of youth are still
present among the days I live.

Why is it so heavy, so deep, so tragic, dramatic?
Life was not meant to be Hell,
yet so many days, the fires burn so brightly in my mind
that it seems my days are that of Hell,
bright,
dying,
warm,
and finally,
dead.