Brilliant: a tribute to time

For the first time in a long time tonight, I feel totally at peace, totally in control and at ease with how my life is going right now. I feel like nothing can take away from the peace I feel, that nothing else could make it more real. I have all of it right now, the boy, the home, the routine, the life, the school, the ideas. All of it continues to get more real as I grow and that makes it all the more exciting. If someone would have told me this is the life i would lead, that this was the boy I was going to fall for two years ago, I would not have believed it, because two years ago this may was a very dark time for me, a time of misunderstandings and of being misunderstood. It was a time that things were coming to an end, goodbyes were becoming constants and a new part of my life was beginning. Two years ago today I was scared, aprehensive, and unsure of where I was going. I was sad and in part, a large part actually, angry at the father that had been absent for a year. And here I am now, two years later, new city, new love, new passions, new schools, new home. HEre I am now, still missing the absent father that once I knew better, but anymore I am not angry, not sad, not melancholy and unsure. I am the surest I've ever been that this is what I want. I am the surest I've ever been that this is the world I want, that this is what I want my life to progress into.

It's funny how much can change in a couple of years, and when I look around, some things haven't changed at all. Yet others have changed tremendously. I can only imagine how fast the next couple of years will go by and in that time who knows how much else will have changed. All I can hope for is that it's as brilliant as the last two have been.

~Hear our Voice~

How many times in our lives are we put into situations where we have no control yet the person that does does nothing or has no idea about what's going on? How many times do people tell us we have the ability to change other's lives or our own, yet when we try to, we are pushed down because of it? I guess that's the world we live in, I guess we need all the rules, all the regulations and corporate guidelines and codes. But when do we get to the point when there is no freedom at all in choices we make, when our own judgement plays no role anymore?

Ever think about when something comes, a code or a regulation, that interferes with your personal judgement, your personal beliefs and procreations. What happens then? What happens when our dreams, our world that we live in and when our generation gives up that sense of dreaming and achieving something more in order to follow guidelines set up by a 50 year old men in some corporate office thousands of miles away with no idea of what our generation wants or needs? When do we stand up and say something, can we even do that without consequence?

In a land of freedom and oppurtunity, it sure is hard to break through the concrete wall our elders have built? IT sure is complicated to get through all the damn legal paperwork to find out you can't even do that in the first place. It seems like as our generation gets older, we just tend to pushed behind the older people in charge. But what no one will stand up and say is that perhaps we are educated and just as smart as they are, perhaps we have input that could help. Yet that is no the case. THat's not how our society is set up,, it's not how it works.

As John Mayer says, maybe we really are just "waiting on the world to change." Maybe we are really just left sitting ducks until it's our turn, but why should we suffer, why should the way of the world suffer when perhaps we have a better solution. I say to all of you, all that have the same ideas that I do, that are smarter than me, that have yet even better solutions than I do to problems we face each and every single day:

Stand up! Speak your mind, there are people that will listen. Though they may be very hard to find, they are there. Take the initiative, say something, do something, write a letter, you never know when you might be the final straw for something to change. You never know when you might be the one that changes it for good.... the final straw for change. We are the future, we are the generation of dreams, not only of dreams that are dreamt up in our minds but the generation that has the most capabilities to achieve those dreams. We are smarter, more educated, wiser and more intune with how things work than generations before us. We are technologically brilliant and mindful of situations, aware of things that those before us did not have to be.

We have the chance, stand up with me, fight with me. Together we have a voice. Let's let the world hear it.

royal flush

There are moments in my days when I look up and smile. THere are moments when the simplest things drive my sanity, when the rain starts to pour or when the sun breaks out behind a cloud. When you leave a message for me in the most genuine of tones and when the city sparkles from the window I share with the world. This week however, I had less of those moments. I did not enjoy the rain, I did not smile when the sun came out. I didn't have that innocent affection this week, I had too much time to be scared. It seemed like everything turned gray this week, you were gone, my mother once again changed from mom to distracted woman mad at the world taking it out on me, one aunt struggling with a mistake she made, another annoying me about some distant plans and telling me what my life should be like, friends that drove me to the edge. I was alone this week and for the first time in a long time, I felt so totally alone, more alone than I've ever felt since that summer I barely survived.

And in that time alone, I felt the whole world on my shoulders, I felt my whole world collapsing ontop of me. And I want you to know, you are my world, you are the reason it holds up and in no way is this your fault (I'm glad you went). I just need you to know that you are an important part of this world I'm creating for myself. ANd when you're gone, it all falls to pieces.

Why is it that when your support is gone, the whole world comes crumbling down? Why is it that when you need someone the most, when you need friends the most, they are never there?

But I did learn a lesson from this week. I did learn that life gives you challenges, that it hands you a dealt hand and asks you to play it, whether you have the cards or not. And it's when you make an amazing hand out of shitty cards that it means the most. Tomorrow it's all over, tomorrow you're back, bridges are mended, family is put on the back burner. Tomorrow I have a fresh start and tomorrow I get to start over with a new hand, a new deck, and who knows, maybe I'll have a royal flush...

*Waiting and Wishing*

My hands are typing once again, my thoughts coming onto this page. My eyes are wandering around, waiting, and wishing for something that won't come tonight. But still I know that somewhere out there, you are waiting and wishing too. Still I know that in just a few days we'll be back, we'll be better, stronger, wiser. Once again, I'm thinking of you, of us and in that bond I know we could make it forever. We can be ourselves till forever knocks on our door and we can know we're there with each other, even when we're thousands of miles away.

Here I am, sitting in a place that is not unusual to me but one thing's not here, you aren't here tonight. But baby, I'll be here waiting, wishing on stars until I get to see you again. I'm caught in something much deeper than either or us and in that, I'm caught in love with you for always.

a poem

Faces

It’s getting dark now, the sun is gone,
The trees only black silhouettes outside the window.
I am here in this place where I will be someday,
Staring out at the future that only keeps growing for me.
And to think I’ve come all this way,
I find myself panicked sometimes, forgetting all the memories
That got me here. The people and places that made me who I am
Are no longer as bright in my mind as I’d like them to be.

I have a whole life here, a life that’s all my own,
A life that only he and share. There are friends my parents have
Never met, there are places I go everyday my family has never seen.
There are things my friends know that no one else knows,
Secrets that aren’t really all that secretive.

There have been many in my life, friends, family, loves:
There has always been the closest family I’ve known,
But then there are those I have come to know more fully as well.
Then there have been friends, few that I have kept thorugh the years,
Some that I know I will always keep and those that know me better
Than almost anyone.
There are loves, passions and those that I have cared for deeply and those
That I never could come to fully care about as much as they cared for me.
I have said no to a few and yes to a few, but only one have I found love with.

Life comes and goes so quickly and we get so caught up in the moments
And things we need to do that often time goes by more quickly than
We wanted.

It’s even darker now, but suddenly I see more faces in my mind.
Faces that shaped me, that are shaping me and that keep me going.
For it is memories that are the most important, it is memories
That make us who we are.

In my Dreams

~~~for a friend I see in my dreams~~~~

Are you out there tonight,
are you lost with no one to know your name?

Is your money gone, your mother too?
I'm sorry I'm not there, I'm sorry you're not either.

When did you fall apart,
are your pockets empty and your body dead?

Is life not worth it anymore to wake up every day?
Whey couldn't you ask for help, you knew the hell you were headed for.

Are you out there tonight, it must be cold where you are.
I'm sorry your dreams fell short,
I'm sorry we all fell short when it came to you.

Are you ever going to be okay or am I
going to wake up to a phone call in the middle of the night?
"she's gone."

HOME

Moments come and go, and wow do they go by fast. But this week, I have had so many amazing moments that bringn me back to where I started. Moments of spontanaity with the boy i love more and more, moments catching up with friends, moments coming home, feeling that anxiety to be back in my routine, in this wonderful life I have going. These all have made me realize once again, that while someday I won't be here, that while someday I might be across the country or across the world making a new life for myself, right now, I have everything and more that I could ever need or want.

Flying home the other night, I realized how much this city means to me, how much my life here means to me. I have love, friends and a life I adore and a city I cherish!

You'll See

Here I am. Twenty years old and farther along than either of my aunts ever got. Here I am, more mature, more stable and more independent than either of those women have ever or will ever be. I have one aunt that is nearly 50, still drugged up on painkillers most of the time, who has married all three of her husbands to get out of her own debts, who cares more about her weight than the idea of morality. I have another aunt who until recently, I was very close to. She is a little younger, mother of one child that she has no control over. She hides in a world that she believes exists, stays close with her ex husband that cheated on her and left her, who married a new woman and has a new family and who still treats her with no respect. She lives a life financed by his money, finacned by the man that deserves no respect from her. She has no career, no way to create income, no stability in her emotional life and no stability in raising her son.

These women are supposed to be the ones that I should look up to. These are women that should have become strong, decent individuals. Yet here I am,, more mature, more stable than they are. I spent three hours on the phone with them tonight, one conversation blurred by the slurring words of one aunt high on some kind of medication. The other conversation being bitched at by another aunt that needs desperatly to learn to control her emotions and realize the life she is actually leading.

It's ironic. Most girls my age have these women they put on the heroes section of their Myspace pages. Women that they look up to, women that do things that they admire. Here are my choices: a mother who will not stand up for herself to a husband that has faded in sincerity and genuinimity, one aunt that has no means of supporting herself, a son to raise whom she has no control over and that is hiding behind a wall so large that no one could ever break it down, and another aunt that has married three men for their money and has nothing left of herself from all the plastic surgery she's had and all the disorders she's put herself through to look that way. Lucky huh:? I have amazing women in my life, the sad thing is that none of them will stand up for themselves, for who they are or for what they could be. All of them are so talented, have so much going for them, yet they are wrecked, hidden inside their own walls, draped by a curtain of shame and guilt and misguidance.

Here I am. TWenty years old and I can see it so clearly even for how young I am. I can see how life took its tole on them. I will not let it take the same tole on me. You'll see.

rant

I really don't feel good... my throat is constantly hurting more tonight and i think it's not because of the strep throat I just found out I have, it's because I'm just tired of the routine, the same old shit, the same fights, the same little things over and over again. It's like a constant pain in the back of my throat, a constant reminder of something. And I can't help but link that to the past week for me. HEre I am, almost done with this quarter that no one seems to understand how hard it was, almost time for MY break, MY time off from everything. When everyone else has time all the time to just do what they want, time to play with friends, time to watch tv and movies all day and then crunch in homework at the end of the day when all i have is that time to spend with others. I'm sick of going from school to work and then coming home to homework. I'm sick of then coming home to pick up after everyone else and then complaining and feeling like its my fault. I'm tired of feeling guilty about the time I'm away. I'm sick of no one understanding. I'm tired of being counted on for everything, by everyone! I'm tired of being the daughter that has to take her day and drive home, tired of being the friend that constantly has to answer questions for everyone else and then being taken advantage of, I'm tired of being responsible for making plans, for making dinner, for cleaning up and doing everything. I'm tired of not having any time to have any fun for myself. I'm sick of going to classes that have no point and then coming home to do homework that has no point. Taking tests that don't really need to be taken and having nothing go right. I'm sick of feeling guilty for sleeping well, thinking its my fault that others don't. I'm sorry that I ask to be picked up, that I may be two minutes late and that you might have to wait. My bad. I should always be perfect, I should always be on time, I should always get A's, I should always have a clean apartment and clean yours in my spare time. Ha, my spare time. I'm tired of spending so much god damn money, I'm sick of the routine, the time that I actually have to ask to spend with you. I'm tired of having to give attention to everyone around me, I'm sick of feeling guilty for the attention I do get. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. I do not have immunity to things like this. I am SICK, TIRED, STRESSED, ANNOYED, ON EDGE, IMPATIENT, and I don't care what any one thinks: I need someone to understand.

my one and only

Though I'm alone at the moment, I know the rest of my life I won't have to be. It is because of you that I don't have to be lonely, because of you I don't have to lose this fight we're all fighting. And I've found that someone that makes me whole. That someone that will not go a day without talking to me on the phone even if he is away. You are that person that mouths "I love you" to me from across a crowded room, that kisses me with passion every time and that covers me up before I even have to ask because you know I'll get cold. You are the one that always makes me calm down, the one that takes me to get mcflurries after work and the one that lets me have "money position" even though you don't like it. You are the one that loves taking pictures of me even when I hate it, that would drop anything you were doing to make sure i was happy. You are the one that would move around the world with me to be by my side even though you would much rather stay put in one place. You are the one that leaves me little notes to wake up to, the one that is so patient with me and that laughs at me when you think I'm cute. You are the one that never forgets to pick me up and always tells me I am beautiful even when I don't feel it at all. You are the one that holds me when I'm upset, the one that wants to introduce me to everything and the one that promises me your love every day.

You are the one I want to spend my life with, you are the one that has total faith in us, in our relationship. You are the one that makes me whole, the one that keeps me centered and grounded, the one that saves me from myself. You are the one for me, the only one. You and I were meant to be together. You are the one, the one and only and I love you more each and every day.

*dedicated to my one and only*

I don't know how you do it. I don't know how your faith does not falter, but it never does. When I'm at my darkest moments, you are the brightest of lights, and when I am in the deepest valleys, you are on the highest cliffs. Your faith in us is unfaltering and for that, I owe you my entire heart. My love, everytime you hold me in your arms, everytime you drive me to get dessert, everytime you show up at my apartment, you mean more to me. Every moment we're together or even apart, my love only grows.

Life is flying by us so quickly, and time is only getting shorter. But with you, I know it's worth it. When you smile at me from across the room, show up with flowers, apologize even when it's not your fault, kiss me at the most random of times. When you meet me with a kiss and tell me you love me, when I get mad at you and you feel so bad. All those moments mean the world to me. And all the moments we've experienced together from first moments to lasts, I wouldn't want to have experienced them with anyone else.

And love, I know I make things difficult. I know I overexaggerate and go on and on about things that don't deserve so much attention. I know I complain a lot and wish things were different, but honestly, I love you so much and I love you even more for loving me and putting up with me. Thank you baby for loving me, for being the brilliant guy you are and for treating me like you do. I can't wait till you get back, please hurry and come home. I love you.

lonely

The life I've always known has been alone, the life I grew up living was making sense of it all on my own. The majority of my childhood was spent playing alone, spending time alone, being on my own, doing things on my own. I've never needed anyone really, I've always been independent, always readily available to step up to the responsibility. But now, I am alone after two years of being with him. I can't believe I did this all last summer and I know that if I had to do it again, our relationship would suffer deeply. Maybe it's me, but I can't do it again, I can't say goodbye again, I can't go through it again. I know I'm selfish for this but honestly, being alone is not somethingg familiar to me anymore. It scares me now, it scares me not being with him. As much as I love having my time to myself, I'd rather sacrifice it all forever to be with him, for him to be with me here.

Love, I want you here, need you here. You are my whole world and when you're not here, nothing makes sense, nothing means anything. Nothing is familiar, nothing real. I am just living a shadow of my life when you are gone and although I'm selfish to want you up here all to myself, I can't help but want that. You mean everything to me and when you return, it's a new start, a new era, a new age.

Pink Polka-dots

Pink is not only a color to my eyes,
It’s warmth and love, it’s roses and polka dots,
Smiles and friends. I am not who you think
I am. I am a girl, lost and found, stressed
and calm. I am a long lost twin, an only child,
a sister to a younger brother and a lover.
I was once naïve of the world out there, the world
in which we live and grow. I am a survivor,
a solider in a growing fight of a generation
about to lead the rest. I am ambition,
resilience and strength, but soft, genuine and sincere.
I am a writer, a poet, a designer, an artist.
I am a philosopher ready to speak my mind to save
the many who are lost, unready for what I have to say.

I have loved with everything inside this flesh, lost
everything I thought I was and found that my soul
has yet to see the day when it will find something more.
I have given faith and taken it, I have found a resting
place somewhere in the middle and moved on from the world
I was once a part of, the world that bore me and that then threw
me away. I am nothing more or less than you,
but I do have dreams, passions, prayers, and a signature
that will someday be worth something to someone.

Pink is not only a color to my eyes,
It is my flesh, my eyes, my skin, my soul.
I have been no where and there and everywhere
in between. I am fighting my fight, finding my faith,
and finishing what began twenty years ago.

turning to spring

It's amazing how two days of spring can change your outlook on life. For the past two days, the sun has shown, the wind has been warm and my soul has been finally at peace. Without a lot of work, without a lot of stress, life is beautiful. And here we are... in this together, in this life together, for good or bad, we're in it togetherand that's all that genuinely matters.

I can't imagine having to say goodbye again, for that amount of time. I can't imagine going through it again, but I don't have to. You're going to be here, you're going to stay with me. You're going to give it all up for me. Thankk you. I can't wait for the spring to start, for the sun to shine and for the world to spin slowly again. So here we are... waiting for the world to change as spring starts and our world begins.

in my own time~

Insecurity is a large, overwhelming word in itself, not even mentioning the feeling it portrays. And at this age, when I am not a little girl anymore, but not really a woman yet, it's hard to accept who I am, how I look and the reasons why some things happen and some things don't. Like most girls my age, and ages younger and older, insecurities are something that are a constant factor in every day life. And for the first time in my life, I am making this known to all that are close to me, for the first time in my life I feel like I can tell people that I have insecurities just like everybody else. There are things I hate about myself, parts of my body I am uncomfortable with and parts of my life that I feel insecure about.

Those things are a part of me, they always will be, I just have to learn to deal with them, which is perhaps the hardest part. I think much of the time, like everyone says, that people don't even notice the little things I do or react to them the way I do. But that doesn't matter, I still see them, I still feel them, I still have to deal with them. WHen they say, don't worry about it, it only makes it worse because then I do worry about it. Then I do focus on it when I see myeslf in the mirror or worry about what other people think. It's something that I have to work on, something I need to do on my own. You have to realize that every time you turn me down, every time you make a joke about how I look, everytime you say something I take it personally, I take it to heart, I take it as you noticing a flaw. And the thing is, I have to get over it, I have to deal with it, but I have to do it on my own, and without anyone's help. But you have to realize, I will always have some aspect of it, I will always hate part of myself, or be worried about if other people are noticing it too.

Insecurity is part of me, part of life... i just have to deal with it in my own way, in my own time...

Sanity

Tonight, there is hope for the lost,
sincerity for the unkind-hearted,
shelter for all those without.
Tonight, there is a moment for the restless,
a star through the clouds,
a drink for the thirsty and food for all that hunger.

Tonight there is hope,
tonight there is a moment to simply sit and relax,
to find peace again after the storm has blown through.
Tonight, I am me again,
i have hope again,
I am sane again.

overwhelmed and scared~ welcome to my moment

We go through life just hoping to make it to the next milestone. Hoping that our weddings will truly last forever, hoping that the person we fall in love with at 19 is the person that will make us smile for the rest of our lives. We meet people and then lose them, we lose people to death and to distance and tears, so many tears will fall from our eyes as we go through our lives. Even here and now, tears fall from my own eyes, not quite sure what mourning they are taking but sure enough that it all means something. We get in routines, in ruts, in times when tears are all we have. And we have to let them fall... tear drop stained pages of our lives are what will make the most impact in the time we have here.

I am the lucky one, I am the one that truly has nothing to complain about, though I've had my fair share of tears. I've never lost someone to death that I'm extremely close to, never watched someone leave our realm. I know of those that have lost brothers to accidents, boyfriends to stupidity, girlfriends to something totally out of our control, mothers and fathers to sickness, friends to drugs, alcohol and so much more. And I can't imagine the hurt it would cause me, the pain that I would endure by losing someone close to me. I don't think I would make it through the same as I am, I don't think I could handle that. And every day that something reminded you of them would kill you all over again. I honestly don't think I would recover, I don't think my eyes would be able to even cry anymore, for even that emotion would be too overwhelming to me.

And then we come to talk of the end. The end of life, the end of a love, the end of an era. Tonight, something ended, something that had a great deal of meaning to me. Something that has many memories rooted in my past, friends I've lost both to distance, contact, and to greater things like drugs and lives that are rocking on the edge. Tonight, it is not just a tv show that is gone, tonight it's an era that is gone forever. Tonight, something that I remember growing up to is gone, something that I could relate to, something that so many of us could relate to is gone. It's almost as if I lost a friend tonight,

But then again, life goes on. Sometimes we find that the ending is also a new beginning... sometimes that boy we fall in love with at 19 really is the one we will want to spend the rest of our lives with. Somtimes the people we lost become more a part of us than those that are around us. Sometimes all we need is to cry a little, give a little and then move on. Sometimes life gets too overwhelming and there's no one to hear our cries for help. Sometimes we need to just breathe, slow down and stop for a moment. And as a very smart character named Carrie once said," I've done the merri go round, I've done the revolving door, I've finally found someone I want to stand still with. Will you stand still with me for a moment?" So here I am, asking the same question,

"Will you keep me as I am, hold me tight when I cry, and love me no matter what? Will you take a moment to stand still with me and hear my cries?"

I love you... and I hope you can always love me too.

just remember....

Sometimes life can get a little overwhelming. Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and behind in our lives, let chaos overtake us instead of enjoying the moments. So here's a few little reminders of amazing things we encounter every day:

.there is nothing more beautiful than the first sign of spring
.a giggle with a friend can mean more than anything else
.you have to realize, this is just the beginning of another day
.you have that choice to take every chance or let it pass you by
.there is always tomorrow
.having someone to love is the best feeling in the world, thank them for loving you when you get a chance and appreciate them for who they are and what they do
.a weekend with a parent, brother or sister, family member that you haven't seen in a while will mean the world to them just to spend time with you
.remember, someone always has it worse
.and someone will always have it better
.there is no need to know everything that happens behind closed doors, let it be and move on
.learn everything you can, life is one huge classroom with teachers coming in and going
.what you have, be thankful for it
.sometimes all you need to do to relax and slow down, is to read your favorite poem or quote and remember, those people had it tough too
.remember that this is the not the end, but while we're here, we might as well make it worth while
.sometimes, one song can make your day special
.life is so short, don't rush it along, as much as we'd all like to
.spend your money on things you want, but don't go overboard, keep yourself grounded
.spend a night with girlfriends, wine and sex and the city and you'll realize how lucky you are to have friends that make each day special
.take a break from school or work one day, and do something you want to do
.when you are someplace you will never be again, take a mental picture and go there in your head every few weeks when you're stressed
.keep dreams going throughout your life, even if you might never achieve them
.don't be afraid to love someone that might not love you back, remember: they are the ones missing out
.get excited about small things, you'll be happier in the end
.try to overcome issues about your body, someday you'll look back and think, "damn, i looked good."
.remember that intelligence is something that no one can ever take away from you, embrace it and use your brain
.when you find someone in your life that you love, don't let them get away
.there is nothing better in the world than having friends that know everything about you and that love you anyways
.there is nothing wrong with being a little immature sometimes, but sometimes, is the key word
.when someone asks you to dance, take the offer
.if the oppurtunity arises for you to accomplish your dreams, take it with outstretched arms
.keep your morals in mind, but don't let them overcompensate
.find something you believe in, whether it be faith, religion, love or anything else, and hold on to, it will never let you down
.when someone needs help, help them... sometimes just a smile will help someone in ways you didn't even know possible
.tears are the way God made to have our emotions shut off and reboot... cry! it might ruin your makeup, but it will cleanse the soul
.laugh!
.remember the past is the past, you are the way you are because of it, but it has nothing to do with where you are now or are going
.chocolate can cure anything, from emotional break downs to a day gone all wrong
.do the best you can on everything, you never know when it might be your oppurtunity for something else
.love with all you have, laugh every day and smile becasue today is a miracle and it's worth it...

Together~~~~

Here I am, the same feeling I always get when I'm here: alone, worthless, a ghost in their new lives. I am home this weekend, well home meaning in my parents new house in their new life, with nothing of mine except the few belongings I brought with me. And all I can think about is how I want to be at home, how I wish I were with him, laying beside him, watching our show together and cuddling underneath the abundance of blankets. I miss him. More than anything.

Here I am again, feeling nothing familiar, in a cold house, with a distant mother, father and brother, in a life I never knew surrounded by people and places I never knew but must endure anyway. I miss the familiarity of him, I miss the long evenings doing nothing, the days when we could run errands and be together. I miss you my love... more each and every minute that passes. You have been on my mind and on my lips all night, speaking of you, thinking of you. I should feel secure at home, yet all I feel when I am here is a need to be with you, a need to be back at my home, at our home, together and a need to feel safe in your arms, warm in your embrace, and needed in our life together.

why them?

It seems that lately in life there are things happening all around me. And lately especially, those things are making me wonder when I'll be able to have that, when my life will be able to be like that. My closest friends are one by one moving on, making futures themselves, they are getting married, having kids, moving in with their significant others. They are making choices that I wish I could be making. And while I know that I am in no way ready to get married, I am ready for that next level of commitment. I am ready to do it on my own and to make decisions together, to become more a part of each other's individual lives. I wish so badly that I could, everyday I wish that I could find a way around it, that my parents wouldn't be so against it, so neglecting of it.

My whole life I've done what's expected, I've followed the rules, I've done everything right, gotten good grades, made good decisions and did things to the best that I could, so why is it now they don't trust my decisions? Why is it now they put the foot down, now that they decide I can't do that or they shut me off? It seems ironic, for after all, why did I do it all those years to please them if it has no pay off in the end?

I feel so much like those friends are passing me by, that they are getting to experience things I might never experience or that might be a long time until I get them. And I could not be happier for them, I couldn't express my enjoyment more in hearing their stories, how life is for them. But somewhere still, in the back of my mind, I feel like I might miss out. I feel like I am missing out, like they are moving on quicker, better. I know I'm young, I knkow I have a lot of growing left to do, but why them and not me?