Now I Know It Will Be Alright

Today is a better day, the sun is shining through again through the gray overcast sky. The rain has let up; thank you for having faith that it would get better. Without your faith, mine was gone. Everything is going better today, perhaps my prayers are being answered, perhaps life is looking up again... at least today is a better day than I've had. Thank you for your faith... now I know it will all be alright.

lOSt

Sometimes the world makes you feel so small and insignificant; sometimes I feel lost in the swirl of life and this week I have been lost. For the first time in a long time this past week has hit me hard, and maybe it's me, maybe I was too spoiled there for a while, too happy. But lately it's been a struggle for me, lately those tears that used to be so common in my eyes have returned, and the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that there is more happiness left for me is you. You are the one who revives me just by hearing your voice, just by bringing me roses, just by understanding my hurt. I know life will get better, I know my fears will reside, but right now, bare with me for my fears are many these past few days. I'm scared to be who I am, I'm scared to tell my father how I feel, I'm scared to be alone for a month, I'm scared that I will fail and more hell will be raised. I'm so unsure lately, a feeling I haven't had for a long time. When will my world be stable again, when will I learn to live again? I know it will come, I just have to learn from these bitter days, I have to understand that good will come again, because I know it will. And if you were not here, I don't know what I would do. I don't know how I ever got on without you and when you wipe away my tears and hold me in your arms, I know for sure things will get better.... I know for sure that my fears will go away.

*with rose and love in hand*

a day of disaster and one accident passed,
moments of fear and loss of confidence,
of being scared and my heart heavy,
one day gone, the night was much better.

and after that day of bewilderment,
of me alone in the world,
you came to my rescue,
with rose and love in hand.

you saved me from this harsh world,
you carried me away and put my heart back together.
you restored my pride, my safety, my confidence,
and in one day gone, you were my knight,
loving me and holding me in your arms.

i'm sorry daddy

My heart was heavy yesterday, it still is actually... but the rain is helping to cleanse it. A question on a survey this morning made me stop and think, a question about choosing a million dollars or clearing up a past regret or something that is bothering you. And I believe that I would choose to clear up one thing in my life, to change the relationship I have with my dad. I wish I could be his little girl again and for a while I thought I had achieved that partially. I want to be the daughter he wants me to be and I realize now after the day I had yesterday (a pretty bad day really) that I wish he would be the one I could call and find comfort in, at least to be one of the two most important men in my life. I wish I could have been able to cry on his shoulder this summer, I wish I could go back and change how our lives played out, I truly do. So I'm going to try, I'm going to attempt to change the way I feel about him again, I really am. I pray everyday that something will change between me and him, that some moment, some word will change it. Maybe I have to be the one to step up and do it, maybe he's too scared, maybe he doesn't even care but I think I owe it to him to try, I think I owe it to myself. I'm sorry daddy, I wish I could change things, I wish I could call and cry on your shoulder, I wish you would understand where I'm coming from. I'm sorry and I'm going to try....

*it all makes sense tonight*

What a rush to be back with you, to be back in your arms. And once again the smiles are back on my face, how do you know me so well? You can just look at me and know what I'm feeling, you can touch me and know what I want. The smiles and the laughs are back in my life, the happiness and sincerity, the reality and the genuine thoughts of love and life, not of anger and hatred are with me once again. What a night here in the city, back with you, back into your arms, back where it is just your heart and mine. Back to the riverfront and its apartments, back to christmas lights downtown and back to night drives on the I5 with all the lights, back to diet cokes and tunafish sandwiches, back to laying next to you for hours, back to being 6 miles away instead of 206. Back to ourselves and the moments we have, back to loving you instead of hating him and without you my heart is lost. What a rush to be back with you, to be back in your arms! Nothing makes sense without you... I can breathe again, I can be happy again, I'm with you and it all makes sense tonight.

maybe it's my fault

I'm angry tonight, a mixture actually of anger and of confusion. Again he's done it, he does it everytime I'm around and now I know he's doing it to my mom as well. He has changed so much from what my father used to be, and everytime I'm home I remember so well why my summer was the way it was. And the thing is now, I feel so guilty too because I've left my mom here to deal with it all. I vow right here and now that I won't let that ever happen to me, that someday whoever I marry I will not stand by and let him ruin more lives than his own. But then when I think that I end up blaming someone else, maybe I should just blame myself and paint my nails black. Maybe this is all my fault, maybe I should go in the closet, wrap myself up in blankets, cry and give up trying to please him, trying to understand what his deal is. Right now, I'm close to that. I hate coming down here, I hate being here in this stupid town with no one, no one except my mom and brother and if they weren't here, I sure as hell never would be. I don't come down here to see him, not at all and he doesn't care about me, he cares nothing of what is going on with me, nothing about my life, nothing about what I want or what I need, he never has, at least in the past few years. All he cares about is himself; honestly I don't remember the last time he had a real conversation with me that didn't concern his stupid school or that didn't put my life down. I'm so tired of it and what's even worse than doing it himself is that he's making my brother more like him every day and I hate that. My brother deserves more than that, I hope he doesn't fall prey to him, I hope my mom doesn't break down because I know she's close to it. I know how stressful her life is here and he does nothing except drag her behind him as he goes and kisses up to everyone in his midst, he drags her along to every stupid function and then leaves her in his dust. He does it to everyone, why don't people see through his putrid shell. All I know is that yes I am bitter right now, I'm mad, I'm angry, I'm in a paint my nails black mood and yes this helps to get it out, but you know what, I won't be coming home for a while again, I can't stand it. Too many bad memories come up, too many words are said and he is too much to handle. If I didn't have you baby, I don't know what I'd do... honestly, I'm sorry for the mood I'm in, all I want to do is be in your arms right now.....

this is kind of a deep post... just beware....

I just finished reading a blog that I read everyday, a girl's thoughts locked into words and sentences and she is unhappy, she is scarred beyond all imagination. And this is a girl I barely know, a girl who seems completely lost. And as I read her incredible writing, lyrically I'm in awe at what she can say with bare words and letters. Her lyrics are fabulous and she is so talented in how she can form the words to say the things she feels, something that I feel sometimes I lack at and wish that I could do better in my own writing. But as I read her posts, as I read those carefully crafted words and letters, as those emotions on the page fill in my mind, all my own memories come back to haunt me. For she is down as deep as you can get, her trust is shot, she is not able to open her heart to love and her issues with her family stem very deep. She is lost in the same world that I was lost in, in a reality that you feel will never end. I feel for her and in her words, my own past is a nightmare that haunts me again, especially here in this unfaithful house with my father downstairs. Here in this house, in this room that is not mine, that will never be mine, I remember the feeling of feeling like this was someone's else's life, that I had no idea why I was here, why there was any point of going on at all. Everthing had been ripped away from me, my world shattered in one moment and it was him that we sacrificed everything for, so then how dare he be that way with me, how dare he disregard me as his daughter. I have had such deep anger towards him for so long and I will not lie, some of it still is rooted deep in my heart. But I will say this, as all those bad memories, all those horrible nights crying in between the sheets of this bed, come back to my mind, this world I'm in now is no comparison. Right now, at this point in my life, my nightmares have subsided and in one moment I met you, who I love with all my heart. You were what changed me from hiding in reality to flying in a dreamworld we created. And with you, my heart healed and I escaped the world that I had hated for so long, I buried a lot of the feelings of rage and hate toward my father and am trying to resolve the rest. I learned to breathe with you and right now as I sit here, waiting to hear your voice, waiting to touch your skin again, I can only think of how much I miss you and how much you mean to me. It's incredible to me how that one moment changed me, how that love I feel for you changed my entire world. And I have realized that those who are broken, like this friend who's posts are dreadfully depressing yet lyrically brilliant, can indeed learn to breathe again. They can find that true love they're looking for and they can come out of the dark to realize there is so much more out there for them in this world, whether it be in a world of reality or a world of dreams they create. So for those out there that are scarred, that are hurting, that are dead inside, know that I have been there, I have felt what you are feeling and know that it will pass. Someday you will have a moment when your world comes together and again, everything makes sense. I will pray for you and hope that it comes soon...

*closer to yours*

Lying in this room filled with ironic memories, in this bed with my "puppy" and looking at that picture of us, I find myself missing you even more. I want to be in your arms once again, I don't feel at home here. This place is but a mere house, it is not my home. It is filled with awkward memories of this ummer and pictures that are foreign to me. The walls and air are cold and in this house, the only thing that comforts me is my family around me. But even there, I find more comfort in your arms and in your embrace. Out of my heart to yours, I miss you so, so much. So all I can hope for, wait for, and look forward to is when I see you again and when my heart beats closer to yours once again....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I hope everybody has a great day with famiy and friends. Enjoy yourselves and remember to find tiny moments that inspire you.... "always find time to be inspired..."

the countdown

Sitting here listening to that song I like so much... "different" by Acceptance... I am lonely as I sit here in the dark. My heart longs for you to be here, to touch me, to hold me and it is so hard to be away from your embrace and from you when we're so far away. How can I miss you this much? It overwhelms me, for I saw you but mere hours ago but it is not the same. I miss you with all my heart and all my soul and wish you were here. I cannot fully express what this means but I dont ever want to be away from you, I want only to be in your arms, to feel the safety of your presence and to know that you are near me. I miss you already more than ever and though I know I just saw you and said goodbye mere hours ago, I can't help myself from missing you, from wanting you here with me. I miss you so much and I'll be counting down the moments until I get to see you again...

*Worth The Fight*

Life is all about recovery and finding truth again; it's the search for that love or that happiness or that success and then learning to find it again if it is lost. The lucky ones around us find that happiness and never let it go; it's something that they hold on to, that they fight for. And sometimes it is true that we have to let it go, some things aren't meant to be, but if there are true feelings in your heart, feelings you can't ignore, feelings that won't go away no matter how long you wait, then that something is worth fighting for. That crush, that love, that emotion inside of you, if it's true and real and genuine, if you know you can't live each day without her in your life, or if you know that you still want her, even after what's she's done, then you have to fight for her. Life is too short to say, "I'll do it later, I'll tell her later." Don't wait, fight now, use all you have, trust your heart and go for it. If something is worth fighting for, worth dying for, then those feelings have to be real. If you know in your heart that a fight is worth it over this, that going after her again is worth it, then do it. But if you wait, if you ponder and question, it will never happen. LIfe is all about recovery and finding truth again. So all of you reading this post... I would like one favor from you.... if you love someone tell them, if you like someone tell them, and if you are willing to fight for something or someone, fight for them with all your strength and with all your heart. So here and now, if you want someone, fight for them and if you have someone special in your life, tell them how much they mean to you... love them with all your heart and hold on to them always....

JUST LIVE

life has always been a mystery,
for thousands of years on end,
it has captured all that have lived it,
and made us question why we are here.

these days it is no different,
for we are all asking questions,
wanting answers and wishing upon stars
to find out who we are and where we'll end up.

but it is not for us to know,
it is not for us to find out the answers to those questions,
we must only look to the Heavens,
and watch as the black night rain falls down around us.

we can only watch in the distance as we see our lives opening,
but we must be on that path when it opens,
we must walk that road,
and make our footprints in the sand.

life may not always be what we want it to be,
but that doesn't mean we can't be happy,
it doesn't mean we can't smile
everytime we see the people we love.

it only means that life is meant for us all to learn from,
each moment is a moment placed within us for a reason,
and the path we choose will let us step deeper into the sand,
and find the love in each moment.

in that moment when we find who we are,
and when we find out that loving someone else
is the deepest emotion we can have,
it is then that our souls can fly and that our hearts can live.

A Few of My FAvorite Things...

I wanted to see how blessed I really am so here are a few of my favorite things, things that make me smile, that make me laugh and things and people that are the most important in my life.
1. loving you
2. writing
3. long talks with my mom
4. knowing my aunt will always be there to talk to
5. waking up next to you and smiling
6. the riverfront in the late afternoon when all i have to do is sit and write
7. the riverfront at night.... so gorgeous
8. pf changs ... beef and broccoli haha
9. hearing your voice
10. knowing my brother is a good kid, knowing that he's always there for me, and vice versa
11. finding out for the first time that everything can be perfect
12. dreaming with you of a riverfront apt.
13. random drives back and forth from here to there, trying different ways
14. being a little "wild" haha
15. just walking dowtown, holding your hand
16. taking pics in the apple store and posting on bwood
17. checking bwood every day to see what's new
18. reading an old post or poem and being amazed at myself of how i could write it...
19. looking at and taking pictures
20. peanut butter toast
21. a dark chocolate after dinner
22. running
23. tiny moments when I can just look in your eyes and know that I love you
24. laughing with you about Kahlua and "calling every half hour"
25. sitting in complete silence
26. eating at that tiny cheap mexican restaurant with you that's AMAZING
27. trusting you with all my heart
28. talking to Alyssa... without it being awkward at all
29. playing basketball
30. being with you, no matter how long, no matter where or when... just being next to you and knowing that no matter what, you'll be there and love me when i need it the most...

Love, Casey

Looking outside, the sky is blue, not a cloud in the sky. The air is chilly but perfect and crisp in this winter season and this morning I woke up next to you which made me smile the moment I opened my eyes. There are moments like that, that I would not change for anything. And right now I could not be luckier with all that I have.... my only question is how am I so blessed? But thank you baby.... everyday with you is better than the last.

Love,
Casey

"Scars"

You have a hard time trusting,
moments when you look like you're going to cry,
and days when nothing seems to go your way;
you're either high or low,
down deep in the dark valleys,
or high up in the clouds.
And I try to understand,
for I've been down before,
but I will never understand emotionally
what you went through with your friend.
Her death has shattered you,
and I can see the scars on your young heart.
No matter how far you run,
or how many times you try to hide,
those scars will only heal with time.
And no boy or moment is going to heal them,
they may help,
but you have to heal them yourself.
You have to breathe and realize that life is okay,
that not everyone is going to hurt you,
like she did when she left.
I can see your scars with my bare eyes,
and as a friend, I know you'll be okay,
I know you'll survive,
but you have to know that no earthly thing is going to heal you.
You have to heal yourself and let time do therest,
and eventually those scars will heal,
but do not be afraid to open up your heart again,
for it you keep it closed,
blocked off from the world,
from all those that care,
you will never be happy,
and she of all people,
would always want you to be happy and content in your life,
that still has so much in store for you.

A Little Piece of Heaven

My heart tells me a million things,
it whispers to me in the silence,
and guides me when I have nothing else.
For I do believe with all my heart
that there is a reason for everything;
that life is who we are,
and what we do with it is what is really meant to be.
Our feelings, our thoughts,
our beliefs, our faith leads us to what we want
and what is meant for us.
When you listen to your heart,
and can feel its beat and harmony with your soul,
you are free and in that moment
a little piece of Heaven is yours.
Must we extract a piece of our soul to love?
No, I don't think so.
However to love,
we must give ourselves away
in the most complete and brilliant gesture,
a leap of faith,
a trust far beyond that of anything.
When your heart will never lie,
and when you listen to your heart,
a little piece of Heaven is yours to share.

...to know who you are....

If you never know who you are, how can you love someone else? You must know what you want, what you need and what your passions are in order to complete someone else. And while I thought I knew all that I wanted, all that I needed, all that I loved, I was proved wrong a few short months ago. And now here in this beautiful city as the sun is rising and the blue sky is breaking through the clouds, I realize that everything I thought I was, was not me at all. And now these days, I feel more like myself than I ever have before. Suddenly all that I am is good enough, it's better than that and in myself I am content. That hole in my heart has been filled ever so completely by an incredibly special person and he knows that I have given him my whole heart. So I've learned that in order to find yourself, some times that means simply finding out who you were in the beginning before you changed for everyone else that thought you weren't good enough. And in that new found truth, life becomes something more and by filling that hole in my heart he made me realize that being who I am has always been good enough, I just haven't been able to know exaclty who I was or exaclty what I wanted.

in the black creases of night

As the dark falls around us and the sky is lit with diamonds in the black creases of night, I know there is still a moment left, a tiny fragment of a minute that is left to us. For it is silent in this brilliant world around us and in that moment, more is said within the silence than could ever be said in words. I am moved by the brilliance of the evening and the brilliance in you, and in that kind of moment, in that tiny fragment of a night, I am healed of all the scars that hold my heart captive. So as the darkness falls arounds us and the sky is lit with diamonds in the black creases of night, I know there is still a moment left, a tiny fragment of a minute left to us and left with only you in our silence, which calms and holds me tight every single moment we have....

you are my inspiration

for months my words were harsh and chilling,
describing hurt and harmful times that i endured,
and each time i wrote,
my soul only became more scarred.
my heart was losing hope,
and then one day the answer to all my prayers appeared;
and out of the blue you came,
changing me, loving me, holding onto me,
making sure i don't fall or cry.
for you say that i inspire you,
but in all honesty, in all the truth that i have in my heart,
the only reason i'm inspired to write is because of you.

you have my heart,
and in what i feel for you,
i am inspired beyond every minute of pain i endured,
and in each moment that i think of you,
my hands could write about that affection forever.
i was once a girl afraid to love,
scared to depend on someone else to love me,
and terrified to give my heart away,
but it was you, who came out of the woodwork of life,
that changed me, that showed me how to heal, how to grow.
and you are my inspiration to live, to breathe and to love;
you showed me what i needed all along,
and as i lay looking into your brilliant eyes,
i could want nothing else,
and in the honesty between us,
in all the truth inside my heart,
you are my inspiration and without you my heart does not exist.

I have learned to breathe once again.

I knew it when I could look into your eyes and never want to leave and when we could both share the dark, lying side by side. In that moment, I could not believe how blessed I was; I never want to leave your side or change what we have. And I have learned to breathe with you, I have learned to live and love and in your honesty with me, a truth deeper than any other has emerged. You stole my heart and my world and I don't want it back. I know that what we see in each other is a true and honest affection that is not superficial or feigned, but true and stable. And in this world we're in now, we're not alone; I will always be there in good times and in bad and when you need someone to talk to or when your world is falling apart. I am so blessed and pray everyday to be thankful for what I have, for you. And I have learned to breathe with you in the silence between us that often says more than any words could ever say. You have revived me and taken me to a new world that I only imagined ever existed. And they can say all they want about us, they can criticize what we have but I know I love you, you are mine and with you I have learned to breathe once again.

What You Make It

life is all about what you make it,
and if you decide not to be noticed,
no one will take a second glance.
if you choose not to remember,
your mind will forget,
and if you don't want to succeed,
you will fail.
life is a moment, a whisper in the wind,
a time to live,
and a second that guides you,
that opens up a path before you,
letting you choose your own way.
life is all about what what you make of it,
and what you choose to do.
if you don't want to be remembered,
then you won't;
if you don't put out an effort to live,
you won't live at all;
and if you choose not to open up your heart,
then you'll never be able to love,
and a life without love is not worth living at all...

knowing...

It saddens me that I can't reach out to feel your face, that I won't open my eyes tomorrow and find you next to me. I miss you already, a few mere hours since I saw you last and I can see your face in my mind, you've been on my mind since I left you earlier tonight. You amaze me every minute. You've changed me, you've stolen and captured my heart and showed me how much you care. I wish I could reach out to feel your face or wake up tomorrow with you beside me, I wish I could just look into your eyes and stare at your gorgeous face, looking into your deep, intriguing eyes and knowing that this was meant to be. I wish I could just hear your voice and hold your hand, lying next to you. I can't wait to get back to the city, to hold you once again, to lay next to you and wake up looking into your eyes, knowing that this is meant to be...

a hundred years of words...

When you think life is about something, it all changes. When you think that a moment can't get any better, it does. And when you think you can't stand anymore, when no more tears can fall from your eyes, life opens up its heart and soul before you, and leads you down a more beautiful and intricate path. It shows you that life is all about the moments we have and the words we say and the silence in between them. For in that silence, more can be said than in a lifetime of words and it is with you that I know you understand me better in the silence and more of who I am and what I want, just lying there in silence. For in that silence there is more emotion that in a hundred years of words...

My Heart is Elsewhere...

The breeze is chlly,
the air more wintery by the day,
and the clouds are constants in the sky,
as the seasons change.
The trees are bare,
and gloves are no strangers to my fingertips,
the sun shines hardly at all it seems,
for the days are short.
The grass is green and the river gray,
and it moves ever so gently,
ever so beautifully through the opening under the bridge.
The world seems to be changing right before my eyes,
right in front of me,
and it makes me surrender myself to its beauty, to its poise.
I however have no heart left to give,
for someone else has my whole heart in his hands,
and I can only sacrifice my watchful eyes to the simplicity of this magical place.
For I do not need it to hold me anymore,
I don't need the safety of this place,
for I am safe with him and to be in his arms is all I need.
The beauty of this place will always soothe me,
but I don't need its heart anymore,
I don't need it's safety or chilly embrace.
It is still my place to sit, think, write, feel and pray,
but my heart is elsewhere...

who knows...

When I look out my window today, somehow I feel a little bit homesick. It's weird and I don't know why, but for the first time in a long time, I kind of wish for life to not be so busy, to enjoy my time and not worry about what time I have to go home, when I have class, what's due and all the crap I need to get done. There comes a point where you just get tired of it and when everything is just chaos. And the only time in my week that is never rushed or chaotic is the time I spend with you, the moments we have together, the hours we spend either here or there, driving or walking around. And they are the best moments in my life, they are what keeps me going, they are what makes me look forward to each and every day. With you I never feel lost, never homesick, never chaotic, and I feel safe. My days are long without you and right now, I feel a little bit homesick but not for my home, not for anything in particular.... well maybe for my mom, I miss her lately. But who knows, I guess I have lost my touch, I can't write exactly what I feel right now... and that scares me... what is going on with me?

i'm scared

Tonight as I sat on the phone again for an hour with Alyssa, a girl who I miss so much, I realized how much she means to me, how much our relationship means to me. She has always helped me out, listened and tried to help. Though she's been through rough patches, she always finds her feet again and I applaud her for that. But talking to her, she helped me realize something. I finally see that what I've been feeling inside is not from those around me, those closest to me, it's coming from inside of myself. I'm scared, I'm apprehensive, and I'm pressuring myself without even realizing it. I've put the weight on my shoulders unwillingly and it seems that my fears have started to reside in something new. But the more I think about it, I should not be afraid, I don't need to be scared. I have no reason to be, I have you. So I will try to solve my fears, my apprehensions, my insecurities, because I know that with you it will all be alright, we'll overcome any obstacles in our way, holding your hand the whole way through.

I Can't Imagine....

There is no moment like a moment with you,
no day like a day that I spend with you,
and no memory is the same without you.
Thank you for your trust,
I asure it is not misplaced, not now, not ever,
and you have my whole heart.
Every day is a new day,
but each morning as I wake I can't wait to see you,
I can't wait to be near you and in your arms.
I can't imagine not being with you,
and nothing anyone can say will take me away from you.

pf changs and "what's her name"

Laying with you today, looking back on all those past posts, all those hints and hopes that I wrote into words, hoping and praying that you'd read them for what they were, I could not help but smile in my heart as we read them together. I wanted you to be a part of my life that first night I met you and from then on, each moment I got the chance to be with you, I was there. From "not sitting in the front seat" to the seats we chose at pizza that night, being dissapointed when you left that first night to that comment on here that baffled me all day long. I'm so glad we both had the strength to see it through because I could not want anything more. I love our inside jokes, how we gang up on people and stand up for each other, how you always make sure I'm warm and never cold, even to have the heater on when you're burning up. I love knowing that you'll call, never having to worry that I won't hear from you at some point, how you need a "warm up" to do your homework and how you tell me everything. I love how I can spend days on end with you and still not want you to go at the end of the weekend, how a day when I don't see you seems like forever and how our "breakfasts" have a whole different meaning to us than to everyone else. I love our jokes about "what's her name" and how we like dream of PF changs, how you made me soup and brought me chocolate and watched over me all weekend. Thank you for being so brilliant, captivating, fabulous and all the other words we've thought up but always forget. You mean the world to me and take my breath away every time. I miss you minutes after you leave and think about you all the time, thanks baby... haha.

All Night

All night you were beside me, you took care of me when I needed you. You answered my every wish, anything I needed you got for me, you took care of me and watched over me last night. Thank you, it meant the world, you are amazing.

it makes it all worth it

This morning I was lost in the rain, in an overwhelming flood of water falling from the Heavens above. And soaked to my skin with water, covered in drops from the clouds, I was cold, ever so cold and freezing. I could see my breath as I breathed and the rain just continued to flow, to fall from that ever open hole where it started. And standing there in the cold wind and rain I suddenly thought of you, heard your voice and all became better. So while my morning was cold, wet and overbearing, I still have you which makes it all worth the rain in my life.

in between worlds

I just finished reading a poem by a girl I used to know, a poem that lyrically was gorgeous, that had so much meaning in the words, in the letters, in the construction of the stanzas... it was brilliant. But when you understand what it means, what it is conveying, it's drastic, depressing, and totally heart breaking. This is a girl I know that is unhappy with herself, with life and her writing is not happy, bubbly, or enjoyable to read, but that's what's so beautiful about it: about her writing and writing just in general. To convey that emotion in words, to show how she's feeling or how I'm feeling at that moment, is the ultimate and timely beauty in constructing a piece of writing. And of course, you can always look at something lyrically and find hidden meanings and amazing structure in how the words fit together, the sounds they make and the verses that are formed, but it is in the emotion that is displayed that is the absolute most beautiful part of literature, poetry and prose. When you can find a meaning in my writing, or in anyone's for that matter, it is the most sincere, romantic, and poetic form of writing and those words on that page seem to make sense in your own context. They live and breath, those words create a life, a moment in between reality and a dream world, and it is in that moment between worlds, that life makes the most sense...

written in my favorite place in the world....

The wind is blowing a bit colder these days,
the trees are bare,
and a scarf is a constant around my neck.
My figers are cold as I move this scented pen across the paper,
and my feet are chilly as they hang loosely below the bench.
Though inside me,
I can't help but smile,
as the beautiful city opens up before me,
and my hair blows in the chilly autumn breeze.
The city is gorgeous,
a place that comforts me,
a place that holds me.
Here is where I first cared,
where my heart was given fully to someone else,
and where my soul first flew on its own.
Here I found myself,
here I found my heart,
and gave it away.

When All My Dreams Come True

There are moments when there are no words to express how we feel;
out of the thousands there is not one that fits.
Sometimes all we can do is close our eyes,
and imagine this is not a dream.
It's a moment that conquers over fear,
that motivates us toward all that we want and need.
There are moments that feel like a dream,
that we cannot even begin to express.
In times that mean the world,
and in times when all you want is to be near him.
There are moments when the world is floating on a cloud,
and when all my dreams come true.

that picture beside my bed...

A million things can happen in a month: lives can change, moments can last and tears can stop falling. A month ago I was searching, asking questions that I wanted you to answer... what is this in my heart? Someone ask me, someone tell me. But those questions have all been answered, I am not searching or lost anymore, I am found and steady. A month has changed my life, it has changed my fears into beliefs, my insecurities into elegance, and my tears into a smile as I wake up each day and look at that picture next to my bed. Thank you for this month... for the diet cokes, the walks in the rain, nicknames and conversations deep into the mornings, for random pictures and orchids, for little inside jokes and whole days together, for pf changs leftovers and tuna fish sandwiches and peanut butter toast, for walking in puddles for me and driving my car in the rain, for icards and simple little texts that mean the world, for "trying something new" to brilliance, and for the safety that I find in your arms, the moments in your eyes, and the fabulous movie nights together(haha). A million things can happen in a month: lives have changed, moments have lasted and tears have stopped falling from my blue eyes. Nothing is left but the smile on my face as I wake up and glance at that picture beside my bed.....