maybe it's my fault

I'm angry tonight, a mixture actually of anger and of confusion. Again he's done it, he does it everytime I'm around and now I know he's doing it to my mom as well. He has changed so much from what my father used to be, and everytime I'm home I remember so well why my summer was the way it was. And the thing is now, I feel so guilty too because I've left my mom here to deal with it all. I vow right here and now that I won't let that ever happen to me, that someday whoever I marry I will not stand by and let him ruin more lives than his own. But then when I think that I end up blaming someone else, maybe I should just blame myself and paint my nails black. Maybe this is all my fault, maybe I should go in the closet, wrap myself up in blankets, cry and give up trying to please him, trying to understand what his deal is. Right now, I'm close to that. I hate coming down here, I hate being here in this stupid town with no one, no one except my mom and brother and if they weren't here, I sure as hell never would be. I don't come down here to see him, not at all and he doesn't care about me, he cares nothing of what is going on with me, nothing about my life, nothing about what I want or what I need, he never has, at least in the past few years. All he cares about is himself; honestly I don't remember the last time he had a real conversation with me that didn't concern his stupid school or that didn't put my life down. I'm so tired of it and what's even worse than doing it himself is that he's making my brother more like him every day and I hate that. My brother deserves more than that, I hope he doesn't fall prey to him, I hope my mom doesn't break down because I know she's close to it. I know how stressful her life is here and he does nothing except drag her behind him as he goes and kisses up to everyone in his midst, he drags her along to every stupid function and then leaves her in his dust. He does it to everyone, why don't people see through his putrid shell. All I know is that yes I am bitter right now, I'm mad, I'm angry, I'm in a paint my nails black mood and yes this helps to get it out, but you know what, I won't be coming home for a while again, I can't stand it. Too many bad memories come up, too many words are said and he is too much to handle. If I didn't have you baby, I don't know what I'd do... honestly, I'm sorry for the mood I'm in, all I want to do is be in your arms right now.....