punishment

What happens to those women who make one mistake that changes their entire lives? What about that one moment that could decide their future, to keep it or lose it? And is is right that anyone can judge them for doing it? One thing is for sure... experience sure makes a difference, it shines a whole new light on the situation and lets you see what would happen if it were you and you were in their shoes.

If you haven't known what I'm talking about, I'll clue you in. Abortion. The ending of a biological life. And whether you are for it or so completely against it (which most people that are have never been in that situation) hear me out. Think about it... think about those closest to you that have experienced it or have been close to experiencing it.

Out of my family and close friends, several have found themselves in this situation. The moment when you have to decide whether life is ready to hand you something else or whether you're not ready, which there is nothing wrong with at all. I will say right now that you have no idea what's it's like, the anxiety of even it being a possibility but knowing it;s the only choice you can make. I do know personally and very well a few people that have had the choice in their lives: one being a woman that I love so much and that is my best friend who was faced with the choice and knew she had no other option. The other being one of my best girlfriends in high school who was faced with the possibility of it and ended up coming out alright without that choice having to be made. And finally one of my best friends in college who was faced with it as well and to this day, I'm still not sure about what happened in that office.

The thing that no one understands is that sometimes (actually a lot of times) there is no other choice. There is actually no choice at all. There is one option in front of you. One moment when you can look in the face of shame and guilt and grasp it as tight as you can and still make that choice, knowing that you'll have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that it is a serious decision to be made, but in the end, no judgement should be passed because ultimatley that woman will live with a scar that will never fade away for the rest of her life. Is it so hard to help her heal instead of punishing her for something she's already punishing herself for every single day of her life?

restoration

Why do our flaws define us? Why does what we do wrong reflect who we are? And why do honest people get the blame an become what they are by the flaws in their lives? Whey do we sin? Why do fall away from faith? And it only gets harder as the years go on and we grow up. I pray that someday I'm not where she was tonight. I pray that I will be strong enough, that my decisions are right and that I'll always be stronger than the sins that face me.

Why does faith have to be such a struggle? Faith in another person, in God, in love? Why can't it be easy, why can't we have it and never let it go? Why is it so hard to be talked out of it or lose it after one small incident? But on the other hand, it can be brought back at any moment, it could bring you back to the life you've always wanted and restore every bit of doubt to faith again.

When do our flaws control us? When do they become who we are? When does sitting up in the middle night missing him become reality for when he's here? God, I miss him.

Somehow though, I'll fall asleep tonight dreaming of his arms aroundd me and holding me tight. He is my strength, my faith, my devotion and in him, my flaws found away (hopefully.) God I miss him and I just want him back here holding me tight and restoring every bit of faith that I have lost.

fabulousness

There are moments in this life when you know in one instance that everything is right. When a goodbye kiss only means a few days because you konw the worst is already over. When watching him drive off doesn't mean he'll be gone for three months, it's only three short busy days. And after all we learn from our time alone just as much (and even maybe more) as we do from our time with those we love.

*so, here I am, laying in this bed that you left only such a short time ago and already I miss you. But love, we'lll be fine, we'll be brillant because it's not three months you'll be gone. It's just a very short busy three days and this is your time to shine. You are brilliant and I'm sure "your fabulousness will translate" across state lines (hehe remind you of anything). I love you.... go get 'em!

"Missing You"

i miss the walks.
the morning coffee. the songs.

i miss them. the nicknames.
the secrets.

i miss the way he would look at me.
if only he were here.

i miss the friends. i miss the dad so far away.
i miss missing him. i miss the mother i used to know.
and the snow at christmas time.

i miss the family i used to be with always,
the friend who was always there.
i miss the only love i've ever known
when they're so far away.

i miss the memories that I thought would keep
me alive forever. i guess they won't.
i miss the simplicity. the freedom. the guessing. the moments.

i miss the yelling. the catch.
i miss the beach and all that comes with it.

i miss the singing and the ice cream man.
the playground games and the afternoons of doing nothing.

i miss time standing still. i miss the ideas of youth.
the days when it rained non stop yet we were still brave
enough to go out into it by choice.

i miss the simple crushes that had no reprecutions.
the days when i thought family would always be the same.

i miss knowing what would happen. i miss the mystery.

but then again, we all miss what we can't have again.
we miss what we get used to, and then it's gone.

i miss everything you do. everything we do.
so let's walk on and miss them all together.

we'll gain the strength we need to move on.

welcome

I got to thinking this morning about how much my life has changed. About how here I am, on my own, without an authority figure within 60 miles of me, it's me, it's my life, it's totally mine. I do what I want, I make my own decisions, I'm growing up and just short of leaving those teenage years behind me. Here I sit, in this apartment I love so so much and hold so dear to my heart, and watch the gray clouds move into the city. Today, the sunshine will disappear and bring the rain. The city will be in gray for the next few hours and the rain will cleanse every sin this city has so dreadfully committed. But it's with that rain that also cleanses us and renews us. It's the one or two hours a day that the rain prepares us for what's to come in the fall and winter here in this gorgeous northwest city on the river. THose few hours a day of rain and then sun, show us what we're in for, for the next 4 months. And I couldn't be happier sitting here this morning and writing, having nothing pending and watching the clouds move into my life as well as every other portlander today. IT's almost biblical how it prepares us for something bigger coming, for a new coming of rain, a new season of life. So here I sit and welcome it.... soon the skies above the towers will be gray, and I welcome it.

*********

this won't mean anything to anyone except me....


sometimes when you're ready to give it all up, everything you've gone through, everything you've put yourself out there for and after all the accomplishments are put aside and tucked away, it's the moments when you stand there and take all the pain, all the misery, all the dissapointment because you know it's those moments that make you a stronger person and everything will get better..... i promise.

old times

Today has been a lazy day for me and I'm not even sure why I'm feeling the way I am. There's something down deep inside of me that is off yet I can't quite lay a finger on it. This weekend has been an interesting one and one that has touched my heart. After hearing from my mother and how down she was, I decided to drive down and spend the night with her (she was all alone) and I showed up with flowers and a big surprise she wasn't even expecting. And seeing the look on her face and how excited she was that her little girl had come home for her, touched me so deeply. Spending the next day with her and feeling like it was those old times when it was just me and her when everything was so much less complicated.

Then on the way home I met a friend on the spur of the moment that I was missing so badly. And seeing her and laughing and giggling and just being our awkward selves, made my day and again made me miss those old days when nothing was so complicated, when nothing meant anything except an afternoon of fun and laughs and good times. Sometimes we want so badly to grow up that we forget about how life used to be and it takes moments like those I had this weekend to remember what that feels like to just enjoy life. To see the smiles on our own faces again and remember what that felt like. And while we still have to grow up, we can still keep that little light childish smile that reminds us of so many good memories that we'll never in our whole lives forget.

my true loves

I love.....

.the boy who would do anything for me
.this gorgeous city, rain or shine
.tiny parks throughout the city that could calm me any time i need
.the riverfront
.writing
.a good pumpkin spice latte
.the rain, constant and steady
.watching sex and the city all day and crying over and over
.evening walks
.gelato
.Paris
.being surprised with pink roses
.being alone
.dreaming of where i'll be in five or ten years
.pink
.going to school and enjoying it
.meeting new people
.painting
.the fall and winter
.wearing gloves and scarves and hats
.reading when i have time
.accomplishing something big
.talking on the phone with my aunt
.family dinners
.having my own place to do what i want with
.waking up next to someone
.beautiful artwork
.cooking
.traveling
.knowing exaclty what I want
.The OC
.seeing a friend I haven't heard from in forever calling my cell phone
.driving with the top down
.driving over the bridge and seeing how truly beautiful this city is
.listening to my ipod as I walk downtown
.shopping
.diet coke
.putting together an outfit that is so brilliant
.reading magazines
.and eating dark chocolate curled up on the bed just relaxing until the day is done

wedding bells

There's a tear in my eye tonight as life is opening up before me. It's unreal how fast time flies and what happens in that time. My best friend, the girl that's always been there for me, is getting married. She's engaged and I am so proud of who she has become. I'm proud of who he has become as well.

Let me just say there has been a lot of rough times between us, a lot of struggle and heartache, but there have been so many good times as well. There are not enough words in my heart to express how happy I am for her, what an incredible journey is ahead of her, and how much life has yet to offer her.

I had my doubts, as everyone did, but I always trusted her. I always knew she'd be that friend I needed, and though she made some rocky decisions, she came through for me always, she made me proud to call her a friend.

and in the end, i feel like a proud mother wishing her daughter away on her wedding day. Lyss, I'm so proud of you and congratulations. You deserve this so much and I can't wait to celebrate this with you, girl to girl, friend to friend, bride to maid of honor... and I feel so honored to recieve that position.

congratulations from the bottom of my heart... I love you girl!

weird

Here I am sitting with nothing I can do here. Looking around at this great apartment that he loves, but a place that feels somehow odd to me. I can't help it, I wish I could. And as we've spent most of the week over at my apartment that I absolutely adore, it somehow felt so much like the old days, the times when he'd come "home" and stay there, no switching back and forth, bringing bags, bringing clothes and a constant shuffle between two places. Cooking there, living there, "beingg" there felt right with him and perhaps it's just because he didn't have a real place of his own, but somehow it feels more right there than here. Even though I know he loves this place, I wish I could say I do too.

And perhaps it's just my mood right now, which I'm not sure exaclty how I would define it. But it's odd. A few things are bothering me... first of all an old friend of mine that means a lot to me for a few different reasons imed me about something very important, talking to me on a very personal level and on a very personal subject, (which I won't mention) and then suddenly left the coversation and didn't talk at all anymore. Which disturbed me, now I don't know if him and a bunch of buddies were messing around with me, or if he really is going through this and had to abruptly leave. Either way, both situations disturb me. Then I've been waiting around for a while for homework to be done, waiting to watch my show and waiting to basically just sit here and write and get even more frusttrated.

Let's see what else is on my mind. Hmmm... other than one of my only good friends up here about to leave and move across town, summer dragging on and on and myself being frustrated with stupid things, my life is decent. i guess it's better than decent, but i'm dramatic right now, in a weird mood, have a headache and am very tired. I'm fighting within myself on some issues right now and need a break from myself, but seeeing as that is impossible... i guess i'll have to live on.

i know i have it so good compared to so many so i'll stop bitching.. take this with a grain of salt... i'm weird tonight.

confused

I'm feeling so ansy at the moment, so everywhere. And as I've been thinking so much lately, I can't wait to go through school and graduate and become a proffessional. I just want my own life, my own way to do things and while I already have some of that, I want it all. I want to be able to go out and buy things with my own money and to sit at a drafting table at night with a glass of wine and music playing and just work. I want that job, that stability, that life. I want a townhouse in the pearl, a downtown apartment in Seattle with a view of the water, a townhouse in New York City, a few years living in Paris and a job at a big time design firm. I want all of this, and I know someday it will come, I just have to wait patiently.

But am I that person that will get all of this? Can I do it? Can I have faith in myself that I can do it, can everyone else have faith in me? I am an independent person, I do what I want to do and I have dreams that I'm going to follow and achieve. Is that alright, or overwhelming and where will that get me? Will those that I love the most stick with me through that, support me through that? Will my dreams be overlooked when life choices come into play and will my life revolve around always putting myself in the position of it will come or will I stand up for myself and take action? Will I be able to stand up to myself and make sure I follow my dreams?

I've had these dreams for so long and I've always thought I'd go after them, but in this world where you have to conform to those around you and do what's best for everyone instead of following your personal agendas,, will I get all of this, will I stand up and do it in order to achieve all I want to? Or will I do as I do so often,, take a backseat on what I want because someone else wants something too?

day in, day out

when the world is a circle,
a sphere round and round
and the rain pounds down day in and day out,
where is it we can find rest?

when will the crisp red leaves arrive,
the sweet winter rains and the days of gray
and thunder and the sweet days of solitude?

it's red tulips right now,
it's blue skies,
open windows,
sandwiches and smoothies,
it's walks at night,
ice cream.

but soon the world will stop turning so fast,
the leaves will morph into standing color,
red, orange, and purple.
the trees will lose their living veins
and we will live for them even more,
waiting for the crisp colors to come,
the thunder and solitary days of gray,
and most of all waiting and wishing for
the sweet winter rains day in and day out.

better

Do you ever just want to be able to reach out and hold someone's hand when you know they need it the most? That's how I feel right now love. I want to reach out and touch you, hold your hand, embrace you, lay right next to you. I want to hold you and touch you, kiss you and hug you. I want you right now and I want to hold on to you when you need me. I know you're struggling right now my dear, but just believe me, it will get better. I promise you this, it will get better. Just be patient and learn to embrace the bad to make you better. I love you... it will be ok.

balanced - not----------

Where does the balance come from? When do we learn it; do we ever learn it at all? Is it meant to confuse us, make me feel guilty, somehow I don't see how that makes sense. Why can't it all fit into the perfect amount of space, when will time slow itself down and let me live it?

I'm alive in the harmony of the moments alone, when will I understand alll that is meant to make me live? Days are too fast, too slow, too inconsiderate. When will that balance be shown to me, when will they understand how hard this is for me to live? Trying constantly to sit on each side of that balance beam and balance it all out, everything is too much for me, it's too much to balance all that I am and all that they are.

Where does it come from? When do we learn it; do we ever learn it at all? How am I supposed to do it when I have no idea where the word even resides, let alone follow it's unknown instructions and challenges that it brings.

breath

I can feel the shiver in your spine
lying next to me,
the gentle breath that keeps us alive,
the hand curled up in mine that keeps me steady,
the arms entangled up in each other,
and our love entangled in our souls.

I can feel the twitch in your breath,
the slow up and down of your back
as we lie as one here in this sea of pink,
a little bit of black and a little bit of in between.

I can hear your thoughts as I read them in your eyes,
and I could not ask for more,
than being where we are and waking up the next day
with the sunlight shinging through the windows ahead of me,
and reaching over to feel your breath once again.

Black and White

When did it become so black and white, when did a woman become defined by the family she raises and the number of kids and the family car in the large family home? Why is it that those of us who choose a different life are looked at differently? I’ve seen the women who never have kids, the ones that jump from husband to husband, the ones that work every day of their lives and live as independently as they possibly can. Their focus is not kids, but it’s a little more intense than I want as well. All I want is to have someone to love all my life, to know what I want, and to reach for every dream I have.

What’s so wrong with an apartment in the middle of a city, a man I can come home to every day that makes me smile and that would do anything for me and a life of travel, living all around the world, working, shopping, and loving? What’s wrong with wanting the city life, the long walks along the river in the fall and buying the fabulous clothes instead of buying diapers? Why can’t I be independent and self-reliant instead of putting all my attention toward a child? I don’t necessarily want a child, I’m not made for that. I’m not necessarily the woman who goes so far the other way, but I am definitely growing into a woman that has figured a lot out in the past year. And I have realized something important. There is no reason women without children should be looked down upon, there is no reason that they should be defined just by the title of mother. I have a lot to offer, I believe in myself, I see a future coming at me very swiftly and though I don’t see motherhood on the horizon, and I don’t necessarily want to see it there, that doesn’t mean that my life won’t be worth something.

My only wish in life is to touch someone and change their life. To feel that inspiration and to live through it. That to me is worth more than any child, any lover, any prize. All I want in life is to be judged as the person I am, child or no child, husband or no husband. All I want is love someone all my life, pursue my dreams, and live the most I can. When did that become a crime, when did having a child, no matter what kind of parent you’ll be or having it to please everyone around you, become something you have to do to be real? When did it become so black and white? It’s not, and though I don’t necessarily want children in my life, that does not mean my life is less that someone else that calls themselves a mother.

breathe in the city

You ever see how the rest of your life can flash in front of your eyes. Well today as I walked home the 15-something blocks home through tons and tons of people, those that live in the city, that breath the city, that feel their best in the city, those like me. And then there were the tourists, the people that you can pickk out of a crowd without any ounce of complexity. The families with their fanny packs, the mothers trying to argue their way into their husband's minds and tell them to go down Salmon instead of Morrison, that the restaurant is east, not west. Then there are the girls that have just moved here, whether for college or for work, the girls that are living on their own for the first time, the girls that are growing in ways that I grew just a year ago.
And as I met each one of these groups upon my afternoon walk home, I realized that I have everything I've always wanted, everything that every girl wants. I have the love of my life sitting next to me, here again in this gorgeous city. I have a career on the way and classes that I absolutely love. I have been christened in the life of the city. I live and breath this city and I have found a part of myself here that I never would have anywhere else. And everyday I see people around me that inspire me even more. Everyday when the sun comes up and I look next to me at the boy I love so much, smiling to myself as I see the sun shining outside welcoming me to a beautiful sunny 70 degree day. Grab a cup of coffee, a marionberry muffin and put the ipod in my bag, earphones in my ears and head down the blocks toward the life I've chosen. There is nothing better in the world. There is nothing that beats the thoughts in my head, the sound of the music in my ears, the coffeee in my fingertips and the world of people moving all around me. There is nothing better than an afternoon walk down or uptown when I have no place to be, no time to run from. This is the life I've always wanted and it's inspiring me more and more everyday that I live it.

first and last

This is it. The last 24 hours. The hardest 3 months of my life have come and past, the love lost to responsibility and loyalty is back tomorrow. The love that made me fall on my very knees just almost a year ago. How very ironic that I am reading back posts of alomst a year ago in which my heart was so young, so innocent,, so naive. And now I am the person sitting in front of you, matured, knowledgable, grow up a little. But then again so has our love grown. I remember though the first date when we sat for hours at Panda Express just talking, the movie I never really wanted to see but I wanted so badly for you to put your arm around me. And then the following dates, the time I got sick at BJ's and you stayed by my side barely sleeping all night making sure I was alright. I remember the first night you slept over, the feeling of excitement I had waking up next to you the next morning. I remember that first time you went with me to the riverfront, the first time you held my hand and the movie night at my apartment cramped together in that little black chair. The next movie night when we got the bed, haha. We'll keep that one to ourselves.

I remember the drive to McMinnville when I wanted so badly just to be near you and the nights at UP playing ping pong and talking in the Villa common room until you had to go to class, gosh I didn't want you to leave. I remember the first time you kissed me, so nervous, so exhilerated. The first time you met my parents, the thrill I felt to show you off. I remember our love growing, the first time you told me you loved me and I was so excited to be able to say it back. Though I'd already known for a while, it felt so right when you said it. I remember what you told me right before that too haha, but again I'll keep that to myself. It was so remarkkable thouggh, so sincere how you did it. I remember how we grew together, I in you and you in me. I remember the night you showed up at the corner to surprise me and asked me if it was raining. I remember our long talks into the night over your fall break and all I wanted was to be right beside you. I remember our first drive down to medford together, never boring of each other. The first time I slept at your house and the night that we fell asleep in your dorm room only to wake up at 3 in the morning and sneak out.

I remember each and every kiss, each and every moment when I felt something more than the time before and each and every day when I was so excited to see you again. I remember so many night drives home from UP listening to music and looking at the city lights and thinking how could everything be so perfect?

I don't ever want to lose those memories. The year I fell in love for the first time, the year that changed my life and the year that changed me. I want this year to be the same, a year full of more memories, even more moments that I can look at you and smile. And as our love grows even deeper, may we grow into each other even more beautifully and more concretely than we already have. May we live as if we've only just fallen in love but act as if we've been in love for our whole lives. I feel like I have been in love with you for years, I can't wait until I can say that love and I know someday I will be able to.

I'll never forget the day I fell in love with you. It was from the very first moment I met you, I felt it though I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt it. From that first night after our first date when I couldn't sleep at all because I was thinking of you and the whole next week when all I wanted was to kiss you again and feel you next to me. You had me from the very first moments, each and every time I saw you I felt it again, you're the only person I've ever loved like this and I hope you'll be the last.

MISSING YOU

Yesterday I was unraveling, my whole life felt distant, unreal, unlike who I've been for the last year or so. This has honestly been the best year of my life, my most rewarding and the most real I've ever felt. I've accomplished the most and I've felt the best in my own skin.

I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, we don't always know why but in the end, we'll see the reasons. We'll realize how we've grown through each and every obstacle and how it's shaped us over time.

So embrace the moments, take them all in stride, realize everything happens for a reason to make us grow and everything provides a challenge to overcome to make us stronger. Every distant relationship, every moment he's away, every time you think of him and want nothing more than to hold on to him and never let go, there's a reason that distance is necessary. Though we might not always know, we have to believe.

I miss you love, come home soon.

over

I hurt all over, my mind, my heart, my body. I'm feeling alone, lost and left over. I'm not sure why or what has caused this but here I am, sitting in this city I love so much alone, hurt and lost. no one here, no one even thinking of me, caring about what i'm doing while everyone else is off doing the things they like, spending time with friends, family. i'm left here.

so often in the last few weeks i've been picked over, looked over while others get my time from me. looked over as if i'm not here and it seems like everyday i'm alone, everyone else is with their friends, their girlfriends, their husbands and sons, their sisters, their brothers, thier mothers and fathers. i'm not. i'm here every day alone, doing it on my own. i'm here waiting, and i'm tired of waiting. i just want it to be over, i'm tired of it being this way. i'm tired of the uncertainty, i'm tired of living out of a suitcase and wating for you to call, i'm tired of sitting in a silent room and not even having the energy to turn on the tv. i'm tired of talking on the phone, i'm tired of acting all happy all the time when most of the time i just want you here. i'm tired of the evenings alone, wanting to go out to eat so bad but no one to go with. i'm tired of the anxiety.

i'm tired of this. i just want it to be friday and for it to be over.