Tomorrow

Tonight, here alone, I am more than I have been in the past couple of days. I am myself again, I am that girl again, I am strong again. And what's left of me after the past few days, was nothing, it was deep and dead. And once again, I have found my strength. Once again, I have become the person I always knew I could be, the person I always have been.

I am me again, and that's the strongest I ever am.

Tomorrow is a big day for me, a big revelation, one that I desperatly need to find out. Tomorrow is the day when I find out what's changed, what hasn't and when everything will be alright.

Pray for me.

I will need it.

abandoned

Sometimes life hands us something and in the wake of that challenge, we find out who truly will be there for you. We find out we can't handle all that we try to, we find that in the wake of a challenge, all we have left is ourselves, however damaged that may be. And in ourselves, we find that though the appearance is the same, we are breaking down inside. Never have I felt so powerless, never have I felt so tired, physically and emotionally, becuase of the challenge ahead of me. And I am hurt, hurt becuase of being here alone, hurt because the closest person to me is not here for me, not beside me in my time of need.

I find myself so many time during the day just staring out the window, wondering why this had to happen to me, why I deserve to go through this, why he's not here? And I cant help but answer those questions thinking I've done something wrong, that it's because of me that all this is happening, that I must go through this alone.

Nothing makes sense right now, my mind is elsewhere, my heart misplaced. And inside, I feel dissheveled, broken, abandoned. I feel like the people that should know cannot because they would not understand, and the people that do know, the person that should be here beside me right now, is not becuase of his own reasons. And whatever the situation may be, I feel totally alone, so lost, and left behind, a feeling that is all too familiar to me.

There comes a time in life, that everyone must decide where they priorities lie. I guess everyone's priorities are coming out now, even though other people get left behind in the process.

breaking

Warning: if you want a happy, go lucky blog, this isn't it. And I'm not in the kind of mood to write one of those, not today anyway, not lately really at all. So much seems to be going downhill lately, so much I'm sick of dealing with. It's a never ending fight, with life, with parents, with shit in general. I am sick of doing everything I'm supposed to, and getting the raw end of the deal. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me and my successes. I'm tired of no one ever acknowledging anything I do. I'm tired of being here, doing this routine every day, never having time to relax, never having time not to worry.

I am twenty years old, not thirty. I think so much of the time, everyone seems to forget that. I am in school!!! working a minimum wage job just to be able to make it through the month!!!! god damn my parents... never do i get a pat on the back, never do i get a friendly phone call. I'm sick of being the one that does everything for them and gets nothing in return. It's not my fault they are unhappy there, it's not my fault they fucking moved, it's not my fault that their life is not perfect. Because you know what, it was perfect until he screwed it all up by moving, it was until he left me behind that year. I'm sick of dealing with their shit and taking the fall for it. I'm sick of going down there, visiting them even though it's the last thing i ever want to do. I'm sick of being held at the highest regard, they need to realize I am a twenty year old girl working and going to school, not a thirty year old off on my own with a job. ANd I'm sorry, but I am going crazy emotionally, financially, and physically because I can't handle this anymore. I can't do it all on my own. I can't handle the stress of everything they deal to me. I don't deserve this, there are plenty of other people out there that deserve this more than me. Screw them, they don't and will NEVER understand, even though she had everything handed to her. I'm sick of being the brunt of their bad days, of their torn marriage and of everything involved in the hell they are living. I'm not there, theres a reason why.

And if one more person I call a "friend" takes advantage of my grades, of my friendship, I swear I will blow up in their face. I'm sick of being the person that gets taken advantage of. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of never having a stress free day, I'm sick of never having a day to deal without any shit from anyone. I need some time to myself, some time without the looming day ahead. I have been taken advantage of, yelled at innaproprately and without reason, misunderstood and used for too long. I'm tired of being held up on this pedestal, because wake up, I've created that pedestal and I've fucking mastered it. So give me a break! Believe me, I need one more than you know.

a little bit broken

I dont know exaclty what I'm feeling right now but I know I am restless for something to change. I am on the edge of NEEDING change, needing something to look forward to, needing life to slow down and give me some time to think. I am restless here in the city that I love so very much and I am restless with the life I know now. For some reason, tonight, I want more than anything to just sit and watch the sun set on some beach or out in the country somewhere. I am restless in this routine I call my life. And while I love the routine, I just need something more right now. I look back on all the memories, on all the steps that got me here and I see so much magic, so much wonder, so many wonderful memories, I can't halp but want those to begin again.

And right now, as my mind is clouded in this restlessness I feel, all I want is to have some time somewhere new or somewhere that I feel safe. I feel so vulnerable at the moment, and in that vulnerability, I feel like I'm losing myself to something out of my control. I don't know exaclty what this is, but I know that as the rain clears, I can't help but feel a little bit lost, I can't help but feel a little bit broken. So as the rain clears and the trees start to glow in the evening light, I will sit here and stare out of the future of my life in these windows and pray that my restlessness will stop and that soon I will feel safe again.

Goals.

As I think about it, the future is wide open in front of me. I have the potential to do anything I want, to go to places I want. My life is only beginning, my ride only just begun. I have dreams, and by all means, I will accomplish them all. And lately, I have been thinking more and more about my goals.. so here they are:

1. graduate with honors
2. work for a few years here in portland in a design firm
3. get married when the time is right
4. move to london and work a design firm there
5. travel overseas
6. move back to states, maybe to some place like seattle
7. visit morocco and the south of spain
8. write a book
9. live in the pearl
10. own a design firm at some point in the future

Right...

Suddenly everything in life is fitting so nicely together. Suddenly, I am sure of everything. Suddenly I am sure of him, of our future together, of the world we will create, of what we can do together. I am sure of my career and my passion for design is winning over everything, only becoming stronger and more assured of the right choice that I made. I am sure that this is where I am supposed to be, sure of the friends I have, sure of the place I'm at, sure that I don't want to rush my future, but sure that I want to get on with my life. I am sure of the city, of the sweet breeze that flows in my window, sure of the boy sitting on my bed, sure of the keys in front of me typing, sure of the wolrd at my fingertips.

For the first time I am not questioning, I am happy, sincerely happy, no regrets, no tears. I am sure of where I am, sure of where I am going, sure of where I am supposed to be. Life is right and for the first time in forever that I have no questions running through my head. I am sure... and genuinely right.

~Sunset in their eyes.

Suddenly, I have no doubts, no aprehensions about where I am going. Suddenly, all is falling into place and everything is working how it should be. He is there for me, and I for him and together we are finding our own way. I look back on how it was last year at this time, and every chance I get, I reminisce in my mind how brilliant it is that he is here. And looking over at him now, I realized something: he stole my heart at 18, when it was shattered and splintered. He took it in his hands and put it back together, he put me back together when no one else could.

It was just two short years ago when I was confused, searching for something, desperate for someone to love me and stand up for me, not someone else's kids, not students or schools, something I had been left behind for by a father that seems to barely understand me anymore. I had lost the confidence I once had and amongst a summer of feigned loves, crushes that were merely nothing more than that, and desperation to find someone that would take care of me, I hurt some people on the way to finding my own self and finding him.

But if I could go back, I would not change a thing. He was who I was meant to find and never before has anyone loved me so much, so deeply, so well. NEver before have I made so many memories with anyone else, nor do I want to with anyone else. He is my whole heart, he is everything that love is supposed to be and I would rather fight with him than not be with him. That's what love is, being with him, seeing him look at me from across the room and knowing that without any words, he is thinking of me as I am thinking of him.

NEver before have I given myself so completely. Never before has anyone held my bare heart in their hands like he does mine. I want to experience everything with him, I want to see him at the end of the aisle as I walk toward him in that church, I want to hold his hand as we walk through the streets of Paris, I want to smile at him when I come home from a long day at work and I want to sit on our patio in the Pearl twenty years from now and still see him smile at me that way. I think that love is found when you aren't looking for it but when you need it the most. In that moment when suddenly you realize you need him, that you need the love and emotion he has to offer, to live yet you didn't see it coming. It's love when one day apart is tough, when life isn't the same without them around, without hearing their voice.

It's love when you've lived 18 years alone and suddenly, you can't imagine not having them love you. It's love when one day you are find watching the sunset alone, and the next all you want to do is watch the sunset in their eyes.

I love you and you have my heart for always.

honey bunches of oats

There are moments when I look at you and can't help but smile. There are things I wouldn't trade for anything: the nights out at pf changs, the dinners in, our shows, watching CSI on demand, falling asleep next to you, computer time to ourselves, appetizers at macaroni grill, and so many more. THere are things that make you you and I love every single one of them. We are lucky with what we have and we don't need to put a time limit on it, I am happy how we are, I am happy waiting for whatever's next because I know that with you it will always work out alright.

You are the next step in my life, you are the way I have chosen. It seems such a large decision but i've made it, I've had my doubts and gotten over them, and right now, for now on, I have no doubts about us. You are the person I get excited to come home to, the person that I can tell everything to and the person that makes me feel beautiful always. Time is going by quicker and quicker and I want to be with you as we speed through this life we live. THere are moments that have shaped me, times that have changed me and all those have happened with me. I love you more than words could ever say and I just want you to know, you are the reason I am who I am and I love that about you... I am in no rush for the next step, but I know I want it to be with you.

dreams

Here I am, in the same week that last year I had fallen apart. In the same day when all seemed lost. Last year at this time, he was gone. He had left me behind for a summer at home. And here I am now, here we are now, in our own home, in this city that taught us to grow with each other and alone. I am looking so forward to this summer, as it will be the first summer in about three years that I won't feel alone. It will be the first summer that I can remember where I will be able to do what I want and what I want is to be with him.

So thank you my love for staying. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you here. I am looking so forward to the next few months, it is a dream come true...

Serendipity: a poem

The high rise soothes the blacktop beneath
our hearts. and the south of traffic through the narrow
streets of home is what makes me breathe.

The moments in between the traffic
light and streetcar are the sounds that cool my breath.
and the sound os footsteps on broken sidewalks
and cobble stone streets is the only way home.

sometimes home is a cool breath on a summer day,
a streetcar ride down to the river,
a high rise view of the city from a new perspective,
or a long walk home when the evening is fresh.

this is where i belong,
this is where my heart is free:
where the sound of footsteps and trains run the sounds
of the street, where the buildings are higher than the light
that guides us,
where a fifteen minute walk will get you all you need,
where dinner can be on the street,
and where even in the rain,
my soul is refreshed at the beauty of the serendipitous city.

Brilliant: a tribute to time

For the first time in a long time tonight, I feel totally at peace, totally in control and at ease with how my life is going right now. I feel like nothing can take away from the peace I feel, that nothing else could make it more real. I have all of it right now, the boy, the home, the routine, the life, the school, the ideas. All of it continues to get more real as I grow and that makes it all the more exciting. If someone would have told me this is the life i would lead, that this was the boy I was going to fall for two years ago, I would not have believed it, because two years ago this may was a very dark time for me, a time of misunderstandings and of being misunderstood. It was a time that things were coming to an end, goodbyes were becoming constants and a new part of my life was beginning. Two years ago today I was scared, aprehensive, and unsure of where I was going. I was sad and in part, a large part actually, angry at the father that had been absent for a year. And here I am now, two years later, new city, new love, new passions, new schools, new home. HEre I am now, still missing the absent father that once I knew better, but anymore I am not angry, not sad, not melancholy and unsure. I am the surest I've ever been that this is what I want. I am the surest I've ever been that this is the world I want, that this is what I want my life to progress into.

It's funny how much can change in a couple of years, and when I look around, some things haven't changed at all. Yet others have changed tremendously. I can only imagine how fast the next couple of years will go by and in that time who knows how much else will have changed. All I can hope for is that it's as brilliant as the last two have been.

~Hear our Voice~

How many times in our lives are we put into situations where we have no control yet the person that does does nothing or has no idea about what's going on? How many times do people tell us we have the ability to change other's lives or our own, yet when we try to, we are pushed down because of it? I guess that's the world we live in, I guess we need all the rules, all the regulations and corporate guidelines and codes. But when do we get to the point when there is no freedom at all in choices we make, when our own judgement plays no role anymore?

Ever think about when something comes, a code or a regulation, that interferes with your personal judgement, your personal beliefs and procreations. What happens then? What happens when our dreams, our world that we live in and when our generation gives up that sense of dreaming and achieving something more in order to follow guidelines set up by a 50 year old men in some corporate office thousands of miles away with no idea of what our generation wants or needs? When do we stand up and say something, can we even do that without consequence?

In a land of freedom and oppurtunity, it sure is hard to break through the concrete wall our elders have built? IT sure is complicated to get through all the damn legal paperwork to find out you can't even do that in the first place. It seems like as our generation gets older, we just tend to pushed behind the older people in charge. But what no one will stand up and say is that perhaps we are educated and just as smart as they are, perhaps we have input that could help. Yet that is no the case. THat's not how our society is set up,, it's not how it works.

As John Mayer says, maybe we really are just "waiting on the world to change." Maybe we are really just left sitting ducks until it's our turn, but why should we suffer, why should the way of the world suffer when perhaps we have a better solution. I say to all of you, all that have the same ideas that I do, that are smarter than me, that have yet even better solutions than I do to problems we face each and every single day:

Stand up! Speak your mind, there are people that will listen. Though they may be very hard to find, they are there. Take the initiative, say something, do something, write a letter, you never know when you might be the final straw for something to change. You never know when you might be the one that changes it for good.... the final straw for change. We are the future, we are the generation of dreams, not only of dreams that are dreamt up in our minds but the generation that has the most capabilities to achieve those dreams. We are smarter, more educated, wiser and more intune with how things work than generations before us. We are technologically brilliant and mindful of situations, aware of things that those before us did not have to be.

We have the chance, stand up with me, fight with me. Together we have a voice. Let's let the world hear it.

royal flush

There are moments in my days when I look up and smile. THere are moments when the simplest things drive my sanity, when the rain starts to pour or when the sun breaks out behind a cloud. When you leave a message for me in the most genuine of tones and when the city sparkles from the window I share with the world. This week however, I had less of those moments. I did not enjoy the rain, I did not smile when the sun came out. I didn't have that innocent affection this week, I had too much time to be scared. It seemed like everything turned gray this week, you were gone, my mother once again changed from mom to distracted woman mad at the world taking it out on me, one aunt struggling with a mistake she made, another annoying me about some distant plans and telling me what my life should be like, friends that drove me to the edge. I was alone this week and for the first time in a long time, I felt so totally alone, more alone than I've ever felt since that summer I barely survived.

And in that time alone, I felt the whole world on my shoulders, I felt my whole world collapsing ontop of me. And I want you to know, you are my world, you are the reason it holds up and in no way is this your fault (I'm glad you went). I just need you to know that you are an important part of this world I'm creating for myself. ANd when you're gone, it all falls to pieces.

Why is it that when your support is gone, the whole world comes crumbling down? Why is it that when you need someone the most, when you need friends the most, they are never there?

But I did learn a lesson from this week. I did learn that life gives you challenges, that it hands you a dealt hand and asks you to play it, whether you have the cards or not. And it's when you make an amazing hand out of shitty cards that it means the most. Tomorrow it's all over, tomorrow you're back, bridges are mended, family is put on the back burner. Tomorrow I have a fresh start and tomorrow I get to start over with a new hand, a new deck, and who knows, maybe I'll have a royal flush...

*Waiting and Wishing*

My hands are typing once again, my thoughts coming onto this page. My eyes are wandering around, waiting, and wishing for something that won't come tonight. But still I know that somewhere out there, you are waiting and wishing too. Still I know that in just a few days we'll be back, we'll be better, stronger, wiser. Once again, I'm thinking of you, of us and in that bond I know we could make it forever. We can be ourselves till forever knocks on our door and we can know we're there with each other, even when we're thousands of miles away.

Here I am, sitting in a place that is not unusual to me but one thing's not here, you aren't here tonight. But baby, I'll be here waiting, wishing on stars until I get to see you again. I'm caught in something much deeper than either or us and in that, I'm caught in love with you for always.

a poem

Faces

It’s getting dark now, the sun is gone,
The trees only black silhouettes outside the window.
I am here in this place where I will be someday,
Staring out at the future that only keeps growing for me.
And to think I’ve come all this way,
I find myself panicked sometimes, forgetting all the memories
That got me here. The people and places that made me who I am
Are no longer as bright in my mind as I’d like them to be.

I have a whole life here, a life that’s all my own,
A life that only he and share. There are friends my parents have
Never met, there are places I go everyday my family has never seen.
There are things my friends know that no one else knows,
Secrets that aren’t really all that secretive.

There have been many in my life, friends, family, loves:
There has always been the closest family I’ve known,
But then there are those I have come to know more fully as well.
Then there have been friends, few that I have kept thorugh the years,
Some that I know I will always keep and those that know me better
Than almost anyone.
There are loves, passions and those that I have cared for deeply and those
That I never could come to fully care about as much as they cared for me.
I have said no to a few and yes to a few, but only one have I found love with.

Life comes and goes so quickly and we get so caught up in the moments
And things we need to do that often time goes by more quickly than
We wanted.

It’s even darker now, but suddenly I see more faces in my mind.
Faces that shaped me, that are shaping me and that keep me going.
For it is memories that are the most important, it is memories
That make us who we are.

In my Dreams

~~~for a friend I see in my dreams~~~~

Are you out there tonight,
are you lost with no one to know your name?

Is your money gone, your mother too?
I'm sorry I'm not there, I'm sorry you're not either.

When did you fall apart,
are your pockets empty and your body dead?

Is life not worth it anymore to wake up every day?
Whey couldn't you ask for help, you knew the hell you were headed for.

Are you out there tonight, it must be cold where you are.
I'm sorry your dreams fell short,
I'm sorry we all fell short when it came to you.

Are you ever going to be okay or am I
going to wake up to a phone call in the middle of the night?
"she's gone."

HOME

Moments come and go, and wow do they go by fast. But this week, I have had so many amazing moments that bringn me back to where I started. Moments of spontanaity with the boy i love more and more, moments catching up with friends, moments coming home, feeling that anxiety to be back in my routine, in this wonderful life I have going. These all have made me realize once again, that while someday I won't be here, that while someday I might be across the country or across the world making a new life for myself, right now, I have everything and more that I could ever need or want.

Flying home the other night, I realized how much this city means to me, how much my life here means to me. I have love, friends and a life I adore and a city I cherish!

You'll See

Here I am. Twenty years old and farther along than either of my aunts ever got. Here I am, more mature, more stable and more independent than either of those women have ever or will ever be. I have one aunt that is nearly 50, still drugged up on painkillers most of the time, who has married all three of her husbands to get out of her own debts, who cares more about her weight than the idea of morality. I have another aunt who until recently, I was very close to. She is a little younger, mother of one child that she has no control over. She hides in a world that she believes exists, stays close with her ex husband that cheated on her and left her, who married a new woman and has a new family and who still treats her with no respect. She lives a life financed by his money, finacned by the man that deserves no respect from her. She has no career, no way to create income, no stability in her emotional life and no stability in raising her son.

These women are supposed to be the ones that I should look up to. These are women that should have become strong, decent individuals. Yet here I am,, more mature, more stable than they are. I spent three hours on the phone with them tonight, one conversation blurred by the slurring words of one aunt high on some kind of medication. The other conversation being bitched at by another aunt that needs desperatly to learn to control her emotions and realize the life she is actually leading.

It's ironic. Most girls my age have these women they put on the heroes section of their Myspace pages. Women that they look up to, women that do things that they admire. Here are my choices: a mother who will not stand up for herself to a husband that has faded in sincerity and genuinimity, one aunt that has no means of supporting herself, a son to raise whom she has no control over and that is hiding behind a wall so large that no one could ever break it down, and another aunt that has married three men for their money and has nothing left of herself from all the plastic surgery she's had and all the disorders she's put herself through to look that way. Lucky huh:? I have amazing women in my life, the sad thing is that none of them will stand up for themselves, for who they are or for what they could be. All of them are so talented, have so much going for them, yet they are wrecked, hidden inside their own walls, draped by a curtain of shame and guilt and misguidance.

Here I am. TWenty years old and I can see it so clearly even for how young I am. I can see how life took its tole on them. I will not let it take the same tole on me. You'll see.

rant

I really don't feel good... my throat is constantly hurting more tonight and i think it's not because of the strep throat I just found out I have, it's because I'm just tired of the routine, the same old shit, the same fights, the same little things over and over again. It's like a constant pain in the back of my throat, a constant reminder of something. And I can't help but link that to the past week for me. HEre I am, almost done with this quarter that no one seems to understand how hard it was, almost time for MY break, MY time off from everything. When everyone else has time all the time to just do what they want, time to play with friends, time to watch tv and movies all day and then crunch in homework at the end of the day when all i have is that time to spend with others. I'm sick of going from school to work and then coming home to homework. I'm sick of then coming home to pick up after everyone else and then complaining and feeling like its my fault. I'm tired of feeling guilty about the time I'm away. I'm sick of no one understanding. I'm tired of being counted on for everything, by everyone! I'm tired of being the daughter that has to take her day and drive home, tired of being the friend that constantly has to answer questions for everyone else and then being taken advantage of, I'm tired of being responsible for making plans, for making dinner, for cleaning up and doing everything. I'm tired of not having any time to have any fun for myself. I'm sick of going to classes that have no point and then coming home to do homework that has no point. Taking tests that don't really need to be taken and having nothing go right. I'm sick of feeling guilty for sleeping well, thinking its my fault that others don't. I'm sorry that I ask to be picked up, that I may be two minutes late and that you might have to wait. My bad. I should always be perfect, I should always be on time, I should always get A's, I should always have a clean apartment and clean yours in my spare time. Ha, my spare time. I'm tired of spending so much god damn money, I'm sick of the routine, the time that I actually have to ask to spend with you. I'm tired of having to give attention to everyone around me, I'm sick of feeling guilty for the attention I do get. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. I do not have immunity to things like this. I am SICK, TIRED, STRESSED, ANNOYED, ON EDGE, IMPATIENT, and I don't care what any one thinks: I need someone to understand.

my one and only

Though I'm alone at the moment, I know the rest of my life I won't have to be. It is because of you that I don't have to be lonely, because of you I don't have to lose this fight we're all fighting. And I've found that someone that makes me whole. That someone that will not go a day without talking to me on the phone even if he is away. You are that person that mouths "I love you" to me from across a crowded room, that kisses me with passion every time and that covers me up before I even have to ask because you know I'll get cold. You are the one that always makes me calm down, the one that takes me to get mcflurries after work and the one that lets me have "money position" even though you don't like it. You are the one that loves taking pictures of me even when I hate it, that would drop anything you were doing to make sure i was happy. You are the one that would move around the world with me to be by my side even though you would much rather stay put in one place. You are the one that leaves me little notes to wake up to, the one that is so patient with me and that laughs at me when you think I'm cute. You are the one that never forgets to pick me up and always tells me I am beautiful even when I don't feel it at all. You are the one that holds me when I'm upset, the one that wants to introduce me to everything and the one that promises me your love every day.

You are the one I want to spend my life with, you are the one that has total faith in us, in our relationship. You are the one that makes me whole, the one that keeps me centered and grounded, the one that saves me from myself. You are the one for me, the only one. You and I were meant to be together. You are the one, the one and only and I love you more each and every day.