Third Culture kids... finding "home"

I have always felt different from everyone else around me, and it's been something that I've felt since I was 12 years old, since the first day I stepped off the airplane and became American. Even though I had an American passport since I was born, my Saudi birth certificate always seemed to resonate with me more. I've been saying since I moved to the States that I never knew quite where "home" was for me. I've never known quite what to say when people ask me where I'm from, where "home" is. And the honest truth is that I still to this day don't know, still I'm unsure of what to say. What I feel in my heart is that technically, I've never really had a "home" as many Americans have, it's not the same. I've had "homes" and they have been all over.

It's interesting because for the first time I googled my situation and it turns out that psychologists even have a name for what I am: a third culture kid. There are studies and experiences and articles about kids like me, about kids that grew up somewhere abroad, about kids that never really find a "home."

For the first time in a long time, it gave me such peace to read those articles and those experiences of other like me. Growing up here in the States has brought me some rather difficult years, many in which I felt that my experiences abroad made me somewhat different than everyone else. It took me a long time to come to peace with who I was, and I think that stems from the differences, from no one understanding that while my passport says I'm American, I feel much more like the world is my home, that while I may live in the States right now, I won't be here forever.

For years now, I have been searching for a definition of who I am, for something to classify myself as, for something to show the people in my life that don't understand that there are others like me out there and that what I feel really is real. I was reading one of the articles that I found and it mentioned how third culture kids seem to click right away with others from backgrounds abroad like theirs and it suddenly hit me. In my life, I always do click right from the start with others like me, with others that have lived in another country, with others that have international backgrounds.

And this morning, as I feel like I have finally found a classification of my experiences, after years of searching and trying to explain it to others, I feel like I have suddenly found out who I am all over again. So as March approaches and my career begins, I hope to continue my journey as a third culture kid and find a new country to share my story with and new people to discover who I really am, a young woman with a Saudi birth certificate but with an American passport.

Remembered...

There are moments in our lives that teach us things. There are moments in which we must endure hurt and pain and heartache and there are moments when we must enjoy it and take it all in. Today was one of tears and a heartache deep inside that I just couldn't shake. Today was a day that I will never forget, a day in which I've never experienced loss like this. And even here tonight, I can't help but shed a few tears for a dog that has been there in my life since moving here to the States. And here tonight, so many miles away from where he passed, I still can't seem to find strength to realize that he really is gone.

I've never had to deal with loss like this, not really. I've never lost someone or something so close to me and it's something that I guess you never really understand until it happens to you, until you feel that heart-wrenching pain, until you look at old pictures and it makes you cry. I spent the last hour looking at all my old photos of our dear Mikey, photos of us all together, photos of him curled up next to his sister, photos that at the time they were taken felt like unnecessary, cute little snapshots of a moment that didn't mean much at the time. But tonight, those snapshots of moments mean the world, tonight they make me realize how precious our lives are and how much people and animals and things in our lives really do mean and how much we take for granted.

And so, tonight, please take a moment for us all, in remembrance of a great dog, of a friend and family member. Please take a moment for everyone who's ever lost someone, who's lost a pet. Take a moment and appreciate all that we have in our lives. And somewhere out there tonight, Mikey is playing in Heaven, he's looking down on us and smiling with his adorable little brown eyebrows, now and for always. Rest in peace boy, you will always be remembered and greatly missed by the family that deeply loved you.

4 years

Sometimes we aren't the people we used to be and sometimes we grow into better, stronger individuals. Sometimes the person people see on the outside isn't at all who we are in our hearts and in our minds. Sometimes we become someone different, someone that finds a moment and holds it tight, someone that loses parts of yourself but someone that also finds everything they ever wanted.

Life isn't about the moments we waste, it's about the moments we take and use and create. It's about what we find and what we chase, and who we become when the dust of childhood settles onto adulthood. It's about finding that passion in your heart, that fire that burns and that incredible movement within your soul and it's about becoming who you are, and leaving behind the parts of you that weren't so great.

We are here to live our lives, to breathe and pray and love and to find our spirits and to hold hands and to embrace. We are here to smile and to laugh, and to walk along the beach with our feet in the water. We are here to sit alone in the dark and think, to watch as our family comes together and to write. We are here to follow our dreams, to look up at the Eiffel Tower and know that someday you will be there, to look out the window and smile. We are here to live this life we have, to find our faith in whatever in whatever it may be and we are here to become the people we never used to be.

I am not the same person I was four years ago, and I don't hardly any of you are either. And in those four years, we have found a new dream, a new love, a new life. We have become those young men and women of our futures and we have found that life is more than proms and parties. It's more than varsity football games and it's more than just a pretty face. Life is a collection of moments, it's about falling in love and coming home to something. It's about having our own places and our own careers, it's about waking up and knowing that you are chasing after every dream you've ever had and knowing that no matter what happens down the road, you are a stronger, more intelligent, more beautiful person than you were four years ago when nothing else mattered.

here and there... far away

Sometimes we stand at a crossroads, a place where the tide washes against our skin but we are unsure of whether to stay on land or swim into the vast wide open sea in front of us, gesturing for us to join it. Sometimes when we get to that point in our lives, we must figure out what is most important for us, to be totally and chaotically thrown about in the sea, living a new way of life, or staying safe, on land, where we've always been. For myself, there is things about the land that I hate, things that I wish would go away, things that I don't know if I can get over, things that remind me of all the reasons why I want to leave. And looking out at the sea, as it is pulling me farther and farther in, it is so much more appealing than the safety of dry land.

I can't have the nets holding me back any longer, I can't keep fighting you from the restraints and I can't have everyone taking me for granted anymore. I need the freedom, the responsibility, the freshness of freedom. I find myself drifting farther and farther from what I used to be and I hate that... I hate who I am becoming when I go down this road. I miss the magic, the love, the freedom, the choices, the moments, the look in your eyes, the simple look that told me everything I needed to know. I miss the way we were, the moments so anxious to run home, the moments when we were the only ones in the world.

I miss it all and most of all, I miss me. I miss the way I was when I was with you and I miss the person I was, the happy and forgiving girl, the girl that thought it would all end in a fairy tale. And here I am, life has toughened me, love has bruised me, and moments have been waves crashing me into rocks. And I am different, not worse, but different, and I need that freshness of freedom to recover, to heal and to figure out if that fairy tale is still what I want. I am realizing that I may never be the person you are hoping I will be, I may never be that girl that can settle down like you want, the girl that gives up Egypt and Paris and Rome and London for you. I may never be her, I may already not be. I don't know what I will be in 5 years, or even 10, and I never thought I'd be at this point so soon, needing to run away to find something new, running away to do it on my own.

I don't know quite what got me to this point, to this crossroads where I am choosing to be alone over staying here. I'm not sure if it was me or you or us, but suddenly, I need someone to wake up and realize that I'm not here anymore and that I may never be back. I need someone to wake up and realize how much they took me for granted and how much I meant in their lives. I need someone to look out the window and wonder where I am, and maybe just think, maybe how much I meant.

All this is running to the point of being a little selfish, but I've spent my whole life following the rules and thinking of everyone else. I think that it's ok to look at the world a little selfishly, and if running away helps me change someone's life and make a difference, then maybe being selfish isn't all that bad. Maybe making someone realize how much you meant to them long after you're gone falls in to the selfish category, but then again, maybe they needed a little reminder of what they are giving up.

Lesson learned...

Sometimes we need to just run away, sometimes love ends, sometimes friends forget you, sometimes reconnecting is better than anything. Sometimes you have no idea where you're going or how you'll get there, all you know is that you will. The last six months have really opened my already open eyes. I've realized that some friends will always be there, and others won't. I've realized that some relationships aren't meant to be and others are, and that some are strong enough to withstand the chasing after dreams, and some aren't. Some insecurities will always be there, but can we handle them or do we let them eat us up? I've learned that some moments are meant to last forever, and others are meant to disappear. I've learned sometimes when your heart hurts more than you ever though it could, desperation kicks in and we make choices that change our lives. Sometimes we need to wait, let life take its course and just.... wait. We will know when that moment comes, when we've waited long enough and life is telling us to move on. We will know.

I've learned that no matter how hard you try, you can never control another person. And no matter how hard it may be, some people are never going to change, so we must pick ourselves up and let them be. I've learned that families change, parents move away, siblings grow up and that sometimes, family does hurt you, although they might not realize all the wrong they have done. I've learned that family, the people that raised you, may change, but somehow as we get older, we become more than just a daughter, we become a friend and more than just a sister, we become more, something stronger than blood. I've learned that although things happen and time changes things, we must accept it as life. I've learned that losing a pet really does shake you to your core and brings back all the memories of when we were young and life seemed endless.

I've realized that some of us need validation in commitment, others, like myself, need independence. I've learned that although many people may never understand my decisions, it doesn't really matter, because in my heart I know it's what's best for me. I've learned that some are blinded by who they love and where they live, some are ignorant of what life really is and that some don't care if they are ignorant, naive and wrong. I've learned that misconception is such a strong emotion and that people are not willing to open up their eyes and experience something different than we know.

I've learned that sometimes love dies and two people must find a new way of life. I've learned that sometimes, the choices we make in haste, come back to tear us apart and the choices that perhaps we're pushed into, can truly make or break our lives. I've learned that small towns are small towns and big cities are big cities and they do not mix. I've learned that some are meant for one and others are meant for the other. I've learned that time spent with those we love is the most important thing of all. And that at the end of the day, even if you disagree with everyone you encountered on your path, if you have one person that understands you and your choices when you go home, that's the most beautiful part of life.

Love Letter

Someday, one moment, in the next few months I will be gone. I will leave and follow my heart, wherever it may take me. And in that search, I will find what I'm looking for, a piece of me that I lost long ago, that many of you never even knew I was missing. One day soon I will be gone from lives here, and you will wake up and though you may not notice I am gone for a little while, you will when you least expect it. There will be small things that remind you of me, even though I will be millions of miles away. There will be moments when you wonder what you could have done differently to keep me, and moments when you miss the way my hair felt on your face, or the smell that PF Changs take out takes over the apartment.

There will be no bath water running or material swatches laying around. The movie shelves will be just a little bit emptier and Paris will no longer be hanging on the wall. There will be a day when you understand that this is who I am, and it's not something I can change. There will be a day when I am just an old story, that girl you dated way back when, that girl that ran away, that girl that had too many dreams to keep straight. And I'm okay with that, because I have to leave. I have to find what I'm looking for, and it's not here, not in Portland, not in our apartment, not here. I've been trying to find it for a long time and for a while, love filled the void I have, and made me forget about it for a little while. But not now, and as the moments get closer and closer to me finding a new home somewhere else, I can't help but wonder what you'll do.

Will you stay here? Move back home? Try and forget about me to move on? Or will you come after me, will you fight for me, do all you can to find me, wherever I may be? I think we all growing up hoping our lives will turn out like a fairy tale, that the perfect guy will come flying through the airport after us, that he'll fight for us to the ends of the earth, that he'll be there, to be whoever we need him to be.

I know that's not what life is, in fact, it's much crueler, but even more beautiful. I don't know what I need right now, or necessarily what I want, or who I love, or who loves me. I've been let down by friends so many countless times, and sometimes, all I really want is someone to sit down and talk to, without apprehension, without fear or guilt. You were the closest thing I ever had to that, yet you still won't let me in those walls you've built, and while I'm crumbling down around you, you keep you walls built high so no one can get in.

So in a few months, just remember that you will miss things. And even though at first it might not seem real, it will be. There are things we both need to find, and I have a feeling I might be running wild for a long time. It's part of who I am, it's inside of me to be that girl, and I need to find the things that I've been missing for so long.

*found

It takes us years to find out who we are, and years to mold ourselves into what we want to be. It's those years that create the person we are, and those years that pave the path we are to take in our lives. For some,it takes merely a short time to find out the path they want, for others, it takes quite a while, but it doesn't matter how long it takes, as long as you find the true you, and your true self. And when we find out who we are, then we can share it with someone else, and only then can we truly love someone else.

I have big dreams to follow, big things to accomplish and I won't give those up to stay here and get married and live that life, and I was lucky enough to find someone to love me for those things, to know that's never what I'll be, and to love me anyways. I was lucky enough to find someone that is willing to let me go chase my dreams, follow my heart and accomplish all those enormous things I want and still be there when I need him. And it's through him and what he'll do for me to let me chase those dreams, that makes me love him more than I already do and that makes me know that our love is real and will last.

Sometimes love doesn't last, sometimes life just happens. Sometimes moments make us realize what we have when we have it and then it's jut gone. We must figure out how strong our love for someone else really is. We must figure out what it can withstand and what it cannot, and when you can find someone that is willing to let you go to the ends of the earth to accomplish what you want to do, then you know you've found your soul mate.

...with a capital L

As we grow up, we find out that decisions are harder than we ever thought they would be, and that love is greater than we ever knew or thought possible. We find out that certain friends will fade, lovers will come and go, and heart ache will be known by us all in some form or another. We find out that simple doesn't exist in the adult world and that things are more complicated than we ever thought they could be. We find out that work is never ending and there is always more to do, that no matter how hard we work, we must always find comfort within ourselves.

But in all the pain and heartache and vulnerability, we find hope. We find truth in new beginnings and in letting old loves go. We find as we grow up that love with come and go, but Love with a capital L, will always be there. It might take us a little while to find it, and it may take years before we know it's real, but it's there, and perhaps always has been.

As we get older, Love is the one thing that will always tell us what to do next. And if our Love is strong enough so that two people may go off on their own and pursue their own dreams, then you know it's true and real and genuine. And if it comes to the point where your Love drives two people apart, well perhaps it was rushed, perhaps you both need time to grow, and perhaps letting it go for now is the best decision you could make. Love can be strong or weak, selfish or giving. It can be pure and true or dishonest and devastating.

But the best love of all, is knowing that whatever you put into it, the other person is putting the same.

Suddenly

As my dreams are fast approaching,
suddenly I need nothing else,
but you and us.

Suddenly, the moments don't make sense
without you by my side,
without you here in my life.

I've never deserved anything more than you,
and no one has ever loved me like you,
no one ever touched me so deep.

Suddenly, all the days together are not enough,
suddenly, moments away are crucially hard,
and suddenly, I am realizing how many times over I need you.

I need you now and always,
I need you in my life and by my side.
I need you more now than ever,
as I move on in this transition,
I need you to hold my heart,
and my hand.

Suddenly I am so afraid to move on without you,
in fear of losing all that I ever loved.

Coming Next

As I began writing this tonight, I had another idea in my head. I was going to write about the new year to come and our chance to make a change and to make a difference. But as I sit here, I am realizing that I have so much to say and yet, not enough time to write it all. And here tonight, there are those of us hurting, those of us fighting for that very last breath that they can muster up, fighting for the words to say what they really feel. There are those that are fighting with those they love and those that are trying with everything they have to carry on through another day.

But if we could stop for a moment and step back, take a breath and look around us at the people that love us, we would see that life is just a book. It's a collection of pages and chapters, a collection of words and letters and even if one chapter might be really hard to get through, we must know that the next one has the potential to be so much better. Chapters end, so do pages, so do sentences, and so do relationships, friendships, careers and life situations. We must look at life not as one thing, but as small chapters and eras that we must go through to get to the end. And each day, we must grow a little stronger, we must hold our head a little higher, and each day it will get a little bit easier. And before we know it, we will be on to the next chapter, turning the pages as quickly as we can because we are enjoying it so much. But we must learn to savor it, to enjoy the time we have and to enjoy the happiness we feel. We must learn to capture the moments, both good and bad, because they are what make our lives what they are. Without pain, there would be no joy in happiness, without happiness we wouldn't know the depth of pain.

So to those of us that are hurting tonight, that are thinking their life is over and that there is no chance for happiness in the future, may you know that this is just one chapter in your life book and if you just keep turning the pages, there will be a good chapter coming next.

to stay or to go....

We grow up believing that we are invincible, that nothing can touch us, that love will always be perfect, that the people we love will never give up on us. And we believe these things, until we experience something different, until reality hits home. We grow up in a bubble, in a world where love never fails, where fairy tales seem real. We grow up thinking that we'll marry the perfect guy, live the perfect life and live happily ever after.

And then something happens, that dream suddenly is gone, and it breaks us. Suddenly, we realize we were too young to make decisions, that we rushed things that might have needed more time, that we didn't do enough on our own, or that perhaps we loved someone we never should have. Suddenly everything breaks, our souls, our hearts, our lives we've been creating. We think we're so grown up, making these life long decisions, choosing our own fates and suddenly, we wish we were just kids again.

Sometimes love does falter, sometimes we love people that we aren't meant to love, sometimes we stay when we should go and sometimes, we just want that fairy tale dream even though we know now it isn't real. Sometimes love happens at the wrong time, sometimes it was never love at all. Sometimes, the light just fades so much we can't see it any longer, sometimes, we get lost ourselves and need time alone to figure it out. Sometimes we can't wait for people to change, sometimes we realize they were all we wanted.

Life isn't easy, it isn't a fairy tale, and it isn't that "playing house" we think it will be when we dive in. Life is long and rough, it's hard and sometimes, it's painful. And sometimes, we have to let go to move on. Other times, we must clinch our teeth and wait it out, to see if that person we love truly loves us back. Love is different for each person, and what it looks like on the outside, is never what it truly is.

And so, we must just all slow down. Love will never rush, so why do we? Let it be, let it go, let if show its true colors. Sometimes we have to let it go to move on, sometimes no matter how hard it is, we must find the strength on our own. Sometimes, we must wait it out, and let that other person find what they are looking for, before they can come back to you. Sometimes love is about moving on, sometimes its about bad timing. But no matter what happens between those two people, it doesn't mean they never loved. Even if you let go, it doesn't make that love you had any less real. So we must look deep inside ourselves and find what we truly need, and if letting go is the answer, than we must let go and have no regrets. But if we know we must wait, then wait a lifetime for the love you know is real.

little left to give

Sometimes I sit here and try to remember how we used to be. Sometimes I try and pretend that I'm 18 again, and sometimes I look at old pictures of us to try and feel how that used to feel. These days, I feel in stages. I feel so happy for such a time and then again and again, I end up here again, feeling lost, betrayed, disappointed and above all, so deeply hurt, over and over again. I keep trying to convince myself that we're right, that our relationship is as perfect as it seems on the outside to all those people in our lives, but then inside, my heart is breaking each and every day, with everything that I put up with, all the little things that sting over and over again.

Somewhere deep in my heart, I still believe that we are those two kids that fell in love, but somewhere deep in my mind, I don't know that we are. Every time we try again, start over, begin again, there is a new hurt, a new disappointment. Each and every time you promise me one more time, one more chance, I give up another piece of the soul I have left. And each and every time, I have little and little left to give.

Until we see it again

You know, I can see the city through the trees again for the first time since last year. There is something so beautiful about waiting for this moment, year after year, when the weather gets cold enough, when the winter begins to form, when the leaves are gone from the trees that block the view. And so finally, once again, for three or four months, I get to see the buildings downtown through the tree branches that once hindered the view. And for these three or four months, I get to be who I am so deep in my heart and looking through that window makes me calm, it soothes me deep into my skin.

Sometimes we get so caught up in what we can't see that we forget it's there at all. Sometimes, like those full trees, there are blocks in the way, things that block what we need the most, that block and keep the most important things from us. Sometimes what we're searching for, we just need to wait for a few months until the leaves fall and we can once again see what we need to, what we're meant to see, what we are supposed to see. Sometimes when the leaves come off of the trees, it clears that view that makes us whole again, sometimes when the leaves come off, we see through to that person that we haven't seen truly for a long time.

Sometimes, we just need the leaves to fall in order for our view to come back. Sometimes, we don't know what we're missing, until we see it again.

*on the other end*

There are times in our lives when we know exactly what is going to happen next. There are things that just come sequentially and there are things that just happen without us having to work to make them come. And then there are times when life suddenly puts a road block in front of us and makes us switch it up and choose a different way to go. Suddenly, I am realizing that in just a few short months I will hit one of those obstacles and I will have to stop, change my path and start over on a new road.

And I think that no matter which way we choose to go, there is one important thing to consider: we must always follow the way that we know we want, the way that we know is the best for us, the way that gets us closer to our dreams. And that road may take you away from those you love, it may take you far from where you started and it may take you away from all that you know, but it will make you grow. It will give you a step toward something more important, a step toward creating your life, a step toward following your dreams and a step toward finding out more about yourself and in yourself, more about life and love and hope.

There are moments when we will be scared, terrified actually, or what will come when we take that next step. There will be moments when nothing makes sense and tears fall for those we left behind, but there will also be satisfaction and fulfillment. There will be joy and accomplishment and dreams come true. For me, I have a feeling that I will end up somewhere far away from what I'm used to, somewhere closer to my "Paris," both figuratively and physically. For me, I just have a feeling that in just a few short months I will be leaving this city in which I became an adult, in which so many firsts took place and leaving this place and all the people in it. I just have a feeling.

And while that may not be the case, if it is, it doesn't mean that I love these people any less, it doesn't mean that I love this city any less, or that I am leaving behind my life. All it means is that there will be a time for me to grow as a person, as a designer, as an artist. It will be a time for me to find a new way, to fulfill that ever restless spirit within me and a way to find out a little bit more about the person I have become. It means that I will be that much closer to my dreams and that I will have done something that I truly want, that truly is right for me, that truly means what it should mean.

We cannot be afraid of being afraid, we cannot be afraid of being alone, because I've realized that no matter what, the people that love us will always be there, and when we are finished chasing those dreams, they will still be there with open arms waiting to hold us at the other end.

A Generation

It's interesting the world we live in and grew up in. Looking back, it's amazing how different we are than the generation before us, how much we've helped to create and how much we're creating every day. We're the generation of Sex and the City, of Myspace and Facebook when it was only available to college kids. We're the generation that remembers when IMs were this new incredible thing and when the internet came into existence. We helped to pioneer the ideas of the blog, in which I am writing this tonight, and the generation that revolutionized the use of cell phones. We are the generation that has lived through two wars that stem from the same conflicts, and that have occurred in the same region of the world. We are the generation that are moving into the work field during the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression and the generation that elected a black president. We are the generation of The OC and LOST, the generation of text messaging and facebook status. We are the generation that has seen Britney Spears rise to stardom and then fall into whatever she is now, the generation that's seen Brad and Jen break up, the generation of Titanic, remember when we all went to that movie like three times. We are the generation in which communication is rather engaged in on the computer, and the generation in which a laptop is now the norm. We are the generation in which 9/11 occurred, in which airport security tightened and in which no one writes real letters anymore.

Our generation has seen so much, has lived so much and now is contributing so much to our future and the future of this world. We are the generation of touch screens and ipods, of dvd's and built in web cams. We are the generation that came out in massive numbers to vote in the presidential election and the generation that isn't afraid to believe in what we want and step forward into the world with two feet steadily on the ground. Watch out world, our generation is one like you've never seen before. Ours in one connected internationally like never before, ours is a generation with more at our fingertips that ever before and one that isn't afraid to go beyond those boundaries of generations before us. Ours is one of peace and hope, one of voices, millions of voices that are ready to make a difference.

Choices

Here we are, a nation that has elected a president that not only is living history but that is a man that truly has our best interests at heart. And yet, in this age of history, in these moments where we are creating what happens next, we still fail to give rights to some Americans just because of their sexual orientation. Here we are, in a world that won't let two people in love marry one another because they happen to be the same gender. I guess I don't understand what's so wrong with that.

And you may answer that religion plays a part, that it's not "Christian," that God frowns on that. And I would say, what happened to the separation of church and state? What happened to American's right to the pursuit of their own happiness? I would say, why is this hurting you, what bearing do you have on the situation, and by two people that love each other creating a commitment legally, what bearing does that have on you and your life? Is it not the will of God to accept others, to accept people as they are, without judgement or discrimination?

And here in this world where we can so wonderfully look to the future, look at a man that we elected to bring us into a new era of change, that we can look to our system and have faith in it once again, can we not let same sex couples exchange vows? Can we not let them have the same freedoms as the rest of us?

I will never understand how some of us feel we have the right to take away freedoms from others just because they are different, whether they worship a different God, or they dress a different way, whether they love men or women, whether their skin is a different color than ours. I hope that someday our country moves to a place where we not only believe that racism and prejudice is behind us, but that we move to a place where no matter who you choose to love, you may be allowed to commit your life to that person and have the same freedoms that I have.

*tonight: nov. 04, 2008*

Tonight I sat awaiting results from the most important election of our time. And once the news was posted and our new president took the stage to speak to our country, it brought tears to my eyes. Tonight marked a new era, a moment in which we took control of what we have lost for so many years. Tonight marked a day in our history that will be taught in schools, that will be taught as the day that our nation changed for the better, that it took a turn in which we are in control once again of our own nation and which the future will bring bright things.

And watching our new president speak, something he said hit me really strongly. He said, "I will always be honest with on what is going on," and for the first time in so many years of hearing politicians say that, I honestly believe that with President Obama, he is sincere in saying that and that he will hold true to that and to all else he is so bravely promising. As a young adult, I have to say that I have a very different set of values than other generations seem to have, and I have grown up with a different set of priorities for myself and for our country. And it's in those priorities that I find comfort in looking to Obama as our leader, it's in those values that I know in my heart he will uphold and believe in. I know in my heart he will believe in me and my generation, that he will acknowledge our strengths and use them to the best of our advantage. I truly believe that he is the change that we need, the motivation to succeed and the leader to bring about a new America, a leader to bring about a new world.

I know that many people still object to this man, to the new president of the United States, but let me say this. He, above all people, believes in us, believes in what my generation can do and what we have the potential to change. If nothing else, believe in us. Believe in the power we have, in the thousands of minds that we can put to use, in the millions of young adults that believe in a different way of life. Believe in us. Believe in our strength and believe that we have the power once again to change the world.

Tonight, tears came to my eyes as I watched our new president speak. And those tears were not from nervousness or anxiety, they weren't from sadness or disappointment. They were from joy in the purest form, and from hope. They were for the hope of new America, the hope of a man that stands for something different, and the hope that we can really change the world.

Conquered

Sometimes life creates a moment for us, a day where you feel like you're 18 again, or a week where life seems crazier than ever, but inside all you feel is calm. Sometimes, love will do that to you, sometimes, the answers all point to something that's been there for years, but maybe you're just seeing it for the first time clearly. I've come home a million times, but I've never quite felt this, never quite felt the moments like this before and it's like, suddenly, as life gets crazier and crazier, we just get better and better. It's like we're each other's calms, it's like in what we have we can smile and laugh at what we used to be, at how simple life used to be, at how simple we used to be.

We've been through everything together, we've grown up together and become the people we are becoming with each other at our sides. We have found love in the midst of taking the world on our shoulders and discovered dreams with each other by our sides. And no matter where I go or what I do, no matter how many dreams I chase, I know that in the end, it will be you waiting for me, with that everlasting smile, with that everlasting hope in something that we found three years ago as kids. And as we have grown, so has our love, so has our hope in each other and as we've both become people we want to be, we have found more about our dreams, and found a comfort in the familiar of each other.

So here tonight, before I curl up at your side, please know my love that your everlasting hope is what keeps me alive and what keeps me believing in us, in you, in me. And we are not perfect in every single way, but our truth and faith in what we have will hold on till all our dreams have been conquered.

Move on

Sometimes all we can do to stay afloat is take that next breathe of air. Sometimes those we thought had our best interests at heart, hurt us, and sometimes in order to take that next step, we must look to what is the most challenging, yet the best for ourselves. I can't imagine living my life and already having it planned out for me. Yet some live their whole lives knowing exactly what will happen, when it will and who it will be that fits perfectly into that world. And I guess there's nothing wrong with that, until... until it starts tearing you apart, until you wake up one day and feel suffocated, reaching for that air that isn't there anymore. I guess it comes to a point, a crossroads where we must either choose that breathe of fresh air, something new and different and all on our own, or we choose to stay, in that life that will always be there, the life that never changes, the life where we always thought we'd be safe.

But in that safety, there is more heartache and it's stronger because it hits so much closer to home. That safety is dangerous, because when we get trapped in something that isn't of our own choice, or maybe it is, it creates this world in which we never experience anything else. It gets to a point where the bubble of that world can't get any bigger and if it does, it will pop and destroy everything that's been built. So we get scared, we get scared to move outside that bubble, to leave the safety net, to find out on our own what life really is. We get scared to move away, we get scared to say to goodbye to certain people that never really had our best interests at heart. We are scared to do what we want, because we're afraid of either what people will think or scared of failing at what we do. We are terrified to move on, because we're scared we won't ever find that safety again.

But we will, we will find a new kind of safety and a safer one. We will find different countries and different loves, we will find different passions and different dreams. And in these new and excitingly dangerous ideas, is freedom, is reality, is a better way.

differently

I have known two worlds my whole life,
and which one is my home, you may ask?
Which one do I love more,
which I do I connect myself to?
Which world is my own, which is who I am?

I have fought my whole life for a place far away,
for understanding of two faiths.
Would you think of me differently if I were Muslim,
if I prayed to Allah?
Would I be different if I wore the veil,
and would it change me or just how you all look at me?

I have lived my whole life with challenging ideas,
am I American or Saudi? Am I domestic or foreign,
Do I believe more in Islam or Catholicism? Do I have more faith
in my birth country, in a place where tradition tules all senses?
Or do I believe more in this country I call home now,
or is this just a stop on my journey back to where I began?

I have kept my faith in a feeling I miss,
in a world that I left long ago, but that defines all that I am.
Every day I swear I am Arab and American,
I am still walking along the Persian gulf and smelling that sweet breeze.
I am still that young girl, unsure of where to call home,
unsure of which parts of me are real.