*someone tell me*

what does this mean in my heart? what is it? someone tell me, someone ask me... please, please let me know. i guess only i will understand this, i guess only i will know my secret, maybe no one will ever know except for me. but what does this mean in my heart? what is it? someone tell me, someone ask me... please, please let me know.

At the moment, I'm totally content....

I may very well be running 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction but I don't think it's wrong. My heart is finally healed and I am stronger than I have ever been... and for once goodbye's do not scare me, they only open new doors. This goodbye has made me change, mature, but I am so thankful for those friends I've gotten to know, gotten close to that I never even knew before. So I'll keep on running in the wrong direction, because for right now, it feels right.

What Does It Mean To Be Educated?

The American publisher, Malcolm S. Forbes once said, “Education’s purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one,” and in saying this he demonstrated to the world a whole new way to look at education. For years, our society and others around the globe for that matter have used education as a kind of tyrannical form of learning. Teachers have taught for centuries, but the best teachers have always learned just as much as they’ve taught, especially from their students. An education is a bargaining tool like no other in this world and for that matter, being educated places you a pedestal, intellectually above those who have received no education. To be educated means that you are aware of the ideas around you and understand them and like Forbes said, to open your mind to a world that we have yet to learn anything about.

Our world is becoming so vast that the more we learn and the more we are educated, it seems the less we know, it seems the less our education means. That is why being educated does not just mean that you have a high school diploma or a college degree; being educated means that you never stop learning and that you never want to. It is that constant fight to learn new information and to place ourselves higher and higher on our own pedestals in order to see above the masses and grasp more and more information, adding it to our hopefully open minds, thanks to the education we’ve received thus far.

I have been educated; I have learned what I’ve needed to learn to get to this point in my intellectual journey. However, there have definitely been holes in my education and places where I have not been taught, but rather taught at, such as the “banking approach” often used by teachers, that Paulo Freire speaks of in his “Pedagogy of the Oppressed.” Those teachers were the ones that thought they didn’t need to learn anything more than they already knew, though their ignorance showed through even more by that belief. In my experience, the teachers that have taught me the most and that have meant the most to me were the ones that knew they had so much more to learn. These are people that I respect, that are teachers in the true sense of the word and “teachers” of life, people that have taught me so many important lessons through my years.

An education is based on the knowledge that we learn and are supposed to learn. That knowledge can often be learned through the experiences of ourselves and others, it does not necessarily need to be “taught” to us. For myself, my education has always been the highest priority; it has been something that I know takes a lot of work, but that in the end, is worth more than any class I’ve ever sat through. There are of course, many classes that will be worthwhile in our lives and in our education, though to be educated, I believe we have to go beyond that and search out questions for ourselves that we will someday learn the answers to.

Honestly I don’t know if a person can ever be truly “educated” in everything. Education is something that is a lifelong process and that spans over years and years of learning. My education started when I was very young, such as many others that I know, and only kept growing as I got older. My education is sill building and is no where near finished at this point in my life. To be educated sounds much simpler of a concept than it truly is in reality and often it is thought to be so.

I have to agree with Forbes when he said that the purpose of education is to broaden the horizons, to branch out from what people take for granted each and every day. Our education system in this country, in my opinion, needs more of a proactive approach with teachers and students learning from each other and broadening their own knowledge in the process such as the “problem posing educators” that Freire discusses. An education is perhaps one of the most important possessions we can ever hold and it is something that no one can ever take away. Though to be educated is an entirely different matter and though in ways the two connect, being educated means realizing that the world is full of knowledge and that we may never know it all. It means that we have to keep searching for more answers and acknowledge our ignorance on some topics, that we have to constantly want to find out more about things that interest us, and it means that we have to know that in the space and time of all the knowledge in this world, we know hardly anything at all.

We can never stop learning and to be educated, that is the first step you have to accept. As Forbes said, “Education’s purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one,” we should learn to open our minds to becoming even more educated. Knowledge abounds us each and every day, but the fact that we know that there is so much more out there to learn and wanting to learn it, is the first step to what it means to be educated.

An overzealous truth in its most beautiful form...

Sometimes we put up this picture in our minds, we think we know what we want and are ready full force to go out a get it. But not all the time are we right, do we really know how we truly feel? I think that so much of the time we build up this picture of what we want in our minds, it gets bigger and bigger, and it keeps growing even more than perhaps it truly exists. And we are young, we know nothing of what we will someday know of the world and of love for that matter. That picture in our minds of what we think we feel is ofter overzealous and ofen exaggerated beyond what we truly know and feel. We must in these times of our own inexperience, admit to ourselves that we really know the difference between what is real and what we have feigned in our minds. There is a difference and once we realize that difference, that overzealousness that once captured us in our innocence, will be freed from its chains around us and we will then truly see the truth in its simplest and most beautiful form.

Conquering a Question

Yesterday I was afraid of some things, I was worried about others, but today all corrected itself in my life. All that scared me, all that made me afraid is now a whole world away. I am not scared of failure anymore, for I know I can succeed. I am not afraid to show my weaknesses, for I believe they make me stronger in the end, and I am not afraid to be alone, for in my quiet alone time I am the most calm and I can think clearly that way. I do not worry about making mistakes because it is in our mistakes that we learn more about life and ourselves. I do not worry about losing myself, for I know where to find me if I do, and I do not worry about hurting, because through hurting, we heal and our hearts become stronger, better equipped for our futures. Just as the fog clears and the sun breaks through the clouds, so do we open up and show our true light. And each of us will someday be challenged, we will be put to the ultimate test, are we worthy of who we truly are? It is up to us to conquer that question and be ready when it descends on us.

our own special place

So I finally have a break to write, I've been missing it so much in the last couple days! And I must say I'm pretty pleased with my classes thus far, they have all been interesting and I think they will be worthwhile. Though I am seeing everyday how much more independent I am becoming; I don't need others to be around me all the time, I am not afraid to ask for help or ask a question, and as I think back to how different I was my freshman year of high school, it's insane the changes I've endured. College is supposed to be a time to have fun, enjoy the last years of really being not tied down to a job, a family, a career, a time to learn about things you are interested in and a time to grow even more as a person. And I know that everyone has insecurities, everyone has faults and flaws, but in the end, we're all the same, we all want the same things. And though I've had very little time to sit back and really think in the last couple days, I am finally seeing that it's not the time that's important. It's the way we think about life, finding that place where we can escape and just let everything go, freeing ourselves to grow even more. For me that place is the riverfront, a path where grass abounds and where I can run, listen to my ipod and just forget about everything else going on. It's my escape from life and a place where I can find peace in my existance. I can think beyond all my imagination and contemplate my decisions, past or future ones, and find myself again, because often I lose myself in the moments of day to day life. I believe that we should all have a place where we can find ourselves again. To have a place where we can escape everything and find our inner selves even more deeply than we thought possible, whether it be a real place or a place in our minds, in our imaginations, it doesn't matter, as long as we always know how to get there.

if you listen

in this world sometimes people surprise us; they start anew, forgive and forget, and move on. perhaps that is what i need to do, perhaps that's what i need in order to forgive myself and to move on from all the mishaps in my life. perhaps this lesson is meant for me to be learned and perhaps my heart is going to heal because of it. and i wonder all the time if the choices i've made are the right ones, have i become who i'm supposed to be? perhaps someday i'll tell you my story, perhaps you'll listen, perhaps not. but either way, my soul will be freed from all the caged and hostaged thoughts and ideas in my heart and mind. their bondage will become a freedom so sweet, and if you listen, i'll tell you my story and how i plan to heal. if you listen to me, i'll listen to you. and perhaps that in itself will heal us all, heal us both. in the shadow of my past there are things that will be forgotten, though perhaps my future will involve more. and i shall try with all my heart to move on, to forgive and forget, how ever hard that might be. it's like a disease, a relapse is possible, but in my heart i want it to be over now. i'm tired of being mad and it's the right thing to do, to move on, forgive and forget, pray about it and then put it aside in my life. so perhaps sometime you'll hear my story, i'll tell it if you listen...

*epiphany*

It's so ironic how life points you in certain directions, the people you meet through people you already knew, and how we find out things about ourselves when we least expect that epiphany. And I felt like I was running 100 miles in the wrong direction, but it turned out, they were leading me toward everything I've wanted for so long. My comments, my direction has all been leading me to it. When I take a look around, I can't believe I didn't see it. This epiphany that really made me stop and think tonight, it amazes me how life works, how faith works. So as I took a moment tonight to stop and think, to read a few comments and sit here listening to my music, prepared for all that's yet to come, I hope that what I think is right, will happen. So all I can do is pray and try to forgive and forget, how ever hard it may be for me and my "issues." Though perhaps that is the step to recovery and perhaps my new epiphany can help me get there...

the blame of my tears

You know everytime I talk about it, I cry. Everytime I remember the hell you put me through, I get angrier and angrier. And you will probably never even hear this from me, I'll probably never be able to tell you all that I wish I could. The thing is, I'm too scared of what you'd do, how you'd react, if I did ever tell you, and then on the other hand, you probably wouldn't even get it, and you might not even care. It all started when you came back that night and told me flat out, that we were leaving. Never once did you consider my feelings, my thoughts; never once did you ask me what I thought, what I wanted to do, what I needed to do. Then you did it anyway, left me, you left me, abandoned me for a whole year. You missed every big senior moment, every feeling, every thought and had no idea who I turned out being after that year. You lost me and our relationship is no longer a father and a daughter, it is but mere aquaintances who know a little more about each other than the average. And that hurts me, it hurts me beyond belief, beyond all imagination. For when I speak of it, when I talk to those that listen to me, they all tell me that someday we'll get over it, that I will forgive you. But right now I don't know if I ever will and I don't care if I ever do. You left me, gave up on my dreams, not caring how it effected me, and lost me as a daughter a long time ago. You have become so fake to me it's unreal, and I am having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. It's your fault that this whole summer I have been hurting, it's your fault that our relationship is this way, and it's your fault that every tear has fallen from my eyes, and I'm not sure that I will care much if that ever changes. So for now, this is the best I can do, this is the most I can actually attempt to say to you. And someday hopefully I will have someone who I can look into their eyes and fully trust, like I used to trust you. You have changed like I can't even imagine and until you admit to me that you have, show me that you want it to be like it used to be, I will hold on to my feelings. And this is how I feel, I blame you for all my hurt, I blame you for Mom's tears as well, and I blame you for not wanting to be my dad. For once I was your little girl, but I don't think that relationship will ever exist again.

Silence

I am reading the most interesting, intriguing book and came across this passage that is so interesting, calming. The book is called 'Abraham' by Bruce Feiler and it's so incredible...

"Most of us are not comfortable with silence. We come into the house, click on the stereo, wake up to the TV, fall asleep to the TV, we're always bombarded with music and words. Jesus, Abraham, they went out in to the desert. They got away from all the distractions. In the end, the ultimate decision has to be ours, the only way we will find peace, the only way we'll find peace with God-- is in silence. The message of Abraham is to be alone, to be quiet, and to listen. If you never hear the Call in the first place you'll never know which way to go."

*them*

the leaves are starting to fall,
and the greens are turning to browns,
clouds fill the skies,
and the wind blows a little softer, cooler.

the leaves are starting to fall,
and i'm forgetting all that i knew,
though in the back of my mind I miss them,
and i miss the security of their presence.

the leaves are starting to fall,
and just like them, so are pieces of my heart,
falling through time and space toward my past,
and i'm scared of forgetting them, leaving them.

the leaves are starting to fall,
and I'm so lucky to have had them,
and now when i hear thier voices,
i remember all our memories,
all of our hopes and dreams.

and as the leaves are falling,
so are they falling from the pages of my memory,
and leaving what has become my life.

i miss them every single day like those green leaves i used to see,
and my heart goes out to each and every one of them,
so as we all grow up and move on,
may we remember those who we first loved,
who we cared for and bonded with.

may we always keep in touch,
and remember those memories that we formed.
it's so hard to let go,
especially to those we cared so much for.

but as the leaves are starting to fall,
my world is still building,
even though their's is in a totally different realm,
we will always remember our bonds,
and hopefully they will only strengthen over time.

*what's your answer?*

I just to need to know a simple thing: where is it in your world that I fit in? It's funny how you'll sit for hours talking to kids about their futures, about colleges and scholarships, what they want to do, setting goals, how to get there, how to do it. How many times did you do that with me? You'll let him go out with people you don't know, guys and girls much older than him, driving out to little towns to their houses, you'd never have let me do that, never. You'll do anything for your athletes, make it to all of their senior games, all their big moments, every senior feeling, fear, anxiety, and cheer them on, how many senior games of mine did you make it to? You'll drive to every far away game, no matter how far it may be to support him, to support his teams, you didn't do that for me. You'll talk for hours to him about his games, about strategy and how he played, you usually spent maybe 10 minutes with me after my games, then changed the subject. You'll laugh about his grades, B's and C's and tell him it's ok, no big deal, but if my grades would have been that, I would have been punished. Your athletes have your undivided attention, your students know you better than I do, and you see nervous of me around them. I have to introduce myself to those around you, you happen to forget to acknowledge your only daughter. But let me just tell you this, it is your fault this family is flawed, it's your fault that Mom is so unhappy and your fault that I had to say goodbye again to all that I loved. So I just need to know one simple thing now, where is it in your world that I fit in? You seem to have time and energy for everyone but me, so tell me now... what's your answer? I want to know.

crushing over me

Again I met your eyes last night, again that smile was enough for me. Your warmth radiated from that field, your eyes leading the way. Again you made my night, and your kindness and compassion showed through in every way. How can you crush over me over and over again when I know nothing about you? How can I be so attracted to you when I really only know your name? There is something in your eyes that makes me feel safe, sheltered and cared for. I get nervous in your presence, my heart beats a little faster and a smile comes on my face. When I see you walk towards me or when I am standing near you, my eyes seem to always watch you, my lips form a slight smile and I love to watch you walking, standing, looking. You are a crush, someone I could never have to myself, but that will not stop what I feel. You've got my head spinning and we've only met once, you've got my heart beating faster than normal and I know hardly anything about you, but I can't keep my eyes off of you. You are perfect in every way and your face is soothing, your eyes caring and your presence is comforting. I love to meet your eyes and smile, so keep crushing over me like a wave on the sand, for in that split second as our eyes meet, it makes my night and makes my heart skip a beat in that instance. You are what I want but will probably never have.

*i'm sorry*

i'm sorry for leaving you and i feel guilty every single day for leaving you with all you have to deal with. i have begun to think that i have been blaming the wrong person for the last year, it is not him that should be blamed, but rather myself. i was the one who left you too soon, who pushed you away, didn't trust you; i was the one to wanted to grow up too soon, who felt too sheltered when all along you just wanted a friend in me. i'm so sorry for tearing down your shelter, and when i left, i feel like i took the best of you with me, leaving only the left over pieces of you to fend for themselves. i wish that it was different, believe me, i really do. and i'm so sorry you're unhappy, i feel so guilty for that. please forgive me for leaving you, my heart aches each and every day for you and i wish things were different. i know you're having a hard time, the hardest that perhaps you've ever had, so please know that i am sorry, that it's my fault and i wish i could cure you once again. i'm sorry, please forgive me.

the moment his body hit the ground

The moment his body hit the ground, my heart sank. His skin turned pale, beyond pale, it became ashen gray and my heart stopped as I saw him lying there, on top of the freshly cut grass, face down on the ground wincing in pain. His eyes were like I have never seen before, his handsome face crinkled with pain. For that moment, I had nightmares, my heart and mind ran wild and I was scared to death. For his pain hurt me and as I followed them into that locker room, fear and worry were running through every inch of me. I was so afraid, more afraid than perhaps I've ever been. I love him so much and we have such a special bond, my little brother lying there in front of me on the ground, hurt and unable to breath. For that moment when his body hit the ground I knew something was wrong. And I will hold his hand as he recovers and heals, his pain became my pain as well and he will be alright. So shaken was he that his breath was troubled and in that uncertainty, my thoughts ran rampant, but I will pray for him and hold his hand through all his pain for all my years.

Take me or leave me part 2

this is the second part of my last post... and now i am digging a little deeper inside myself, exposing myself a bit more... so again: take me or leave me....
1. I am afraid to love somone in case they don't love me back
2. I have lied to my mom
3. when my nails are painted black it means I'm either angry, hurt, or in a punk rock mode
4. I think fashion is incredible, it can describe your personality so well
5. When I was little I used to pretend I was a teacher, teaching empty desks in my parents' classrooms
6. I love it when it rains
7. I'm not afraid of doing things on my own
8. I like it when I have a busy day, it keeps me occupied and focused
9. Buildings fascinate me
10. Angelina Jolie is an amazing role model in my opinion
11. I don't believe in all the rules/laws/opinions of the Catholic Church, though I am devoutly Catholic... ask me sometime, I'll defend my view
12. I believe that too many people make decisions without knowing anything about what they are talking about
13. Yes, I do dance around in my room/apt. when I am getting ready in the morning
14. and I do dance in my car... people always stare at me, I laugh
15. I love inside jokes
16. I dream of living in New York someday, working at a fabulous architecture firm and traveling the world
17. I am now terribly worried about my brother (he just got his liscense today)
18. I don't eat tomatoes or onions or pickles
19. I wonder all the time what people around me think of me
20. Time goes by faster as you get older, I think.
21. I am not afraid of getting older, I am excited for it.
22. I believe that compliments are the most sincere form of flattery
23. If I say, "I'm flattered," you have truly touched me deeply
24. When I say "awkward" or "random" which is often, I often don't mean that at all
25. I swear a lot when I play basketball or when I'm driving
26. Pictures are one of my favorite things, if I wouldn't be an architect or writer, I would be a photographer
27. I hate things that look tacky
28. I don't watch the news very often, and if I am, then I am deeply interested in a subject
29. I believe in giving money to charity and do often
30. Generalizations are made way too often
31. I cannot stand it when people generalize that all Arabs are terrorists, because I know personally that there are amazing Arab people in the Middle East and around the world
32. My aunt used to call me "Missy" and I HATE it, don't ever call me that
33. I smile everytime someone calls me "casey kae," it reminds me of when I was little, my dad used to call me that
34. i don't like my real name
35. I believe that an open mind can cure any conflict
36. The world is a scary place, you have to be careful, but you can't be too careful or you won't live life at all
37. "If you're born to be hung, you'll never drown:" I believe this totally
38. I believe that true love does exist, but it is lack of faith in it that makes love fail
39. Heroes are the best things to dream of and to follow after
40. Follow through with everything you do, otherwise you are just a flake
41. I believe that God takes us each in our time, we don't always know the reason
42. I don't condone abortion, though I don't say no to it either, I believe there are examples in which an abortion is the best decision
43. I have know someone who was close to having an abortion and I saw what a baby would do to her life, to that child's life and it was not good
44. If I am ever in a coma, not to wake up again, I want to pass away
45. I believe that a mass is the most holy ceremony and that it is where I am at the most peace with myself and my faith
46. I believe that there are many things we are not supposed to know the answers to in life
47. There is no bond quite like that of a brother and sister, a mother and a daughter, and a father and his kids
48. I love to be silly with my dad
49. I could stand in the rain for hours, just letting it capture me
50. I think clouds are fascinating
51. It rained about 5 times the whole I time I lived in the middle east, that I remember
52. my heart is scarred from various things, but it is healing
53. my eyes are slowly changing from very blue to more of a green/hazel color
54. My favorite tree is a 'date palm', my favorite flower is 'orchids'
55. my ultimate dream is to buy a small cottage in the south of spain someday, live in a small village near a city and work as a writer
56. I question myself all the time
57. I dont' think that many people fully understand me
58. I know in my heart how talented both of my parents are, and I'm so proud of them
59. I worry about my aunt for she lives too much in the past
60. I don't think that being alone is something to be afraid of
61. Feeling left out is one of the worst feelings in the world
62. I am totally afraid of drinking, my family has a decisive history of alcoholism
63. I believe that a mother daughter relationship decides so much of how that daughter will act and the decisions she will make
64. I don't think you should judge someone on decisions they make but rather what type of person they really are inside
65. when I'm in a bad mood, I wear a black top and jeans-- ALWAYS!
66. my closet is organized by colors
67. I love spanish, it is such an interesting language
68. I would rather listent to a cd than to the radio
69. I spend way too much money on music
70. I remember almost everything about living in Saudi Arabia
71. I beleive that changing your hair color can change your attitude in life
72. A good haircut can put a smile on your face, a bad one can make you cry
73. I think that the best way to move on from a goodbye is to cry your eyes out, reminisce about the good times you had and miss, and then move on completely all at once
74. I believe that parents never truly understand their children
75. I believe that traits skip a generation
76. I pray to Mary when I am totally lost in this world
77. I love when people comment on my writing
78. I feel like I have a lot to prove to people
79. My brother understands more about me than a lot of people I know
80. Not many people I know keep their word completely
81. When you tell someone you'll call them, call them!
82. Yes, I have pretended that my hairbrush is a microphone to sing into
83. Alex if you're reading this, I take back what I said about the word "baby," I kind of like it, you can call me "baby"
84. I want to just spend the night and sleep next to someone that I love
85. Country music has such deep meanings to me
86. I do like a good action movie
87. I have insecurities about myself
88. I honestly believe that a girl can be better friends with boys than she can be with girls, though the bond between two girlfriends can be tighter than anything, though only for a period of time
89. Two of my best friends are more protective of me than they are of their girlfriends
90. I like solving problems
91. I do believe in myself
92. I love taking off in airplanes, but hate landing
93. I have some poems that no one will ever read except me
94. I wish someone that I really like would call me in the middle of the night and we could drive all night, anywhere we want... just be unpredictable, run around in the middle of the night in a forest or sit and watch the stars
95. Someday I want to just drop everything and drive away, not knowing where I'm going, just escaping everything
96. I don't believe that anyone should get married until their late twenties, experience life on your own then think about living with some one else for the rest of your life
97. I have the utmost respect for teachers, probably because my parents are both teachers
98. I dont like to garden
99. I will always love girly rocker songs, they're so fun to dance to
100. Someday I will surprise all of you, just wait, watch and see....

take me or leave me part 1

this is me, who i am, who i want to be, what i want, who i will become and how i came to find myself... take me or leave me, but this is me....
1. I believe that faith in something higher can save a life
2. Pictures of friends of family can soothe lonliness
3. I have to be alone sometimes, that's just how i am
4. don't bother me when I'm writing, it messes up my thought process
5. I love writing possibly more than anything else
6. I could live on diet coke
7. Watching the OC makes me smile
8. Sunsets are one of the favorite things in the world
9. I fall head over heels for a guy who can sing to me
10. I am impatient at times, well ok a lot of times
11. Music soothes me; all different kinds
12. I love to read, curled up by the pool, under an umbrella
13. I have way too many purses, and way way too many shoes!
14. I am not as big of shopper as everything thinks, I am honestly not
15. I have pretended to be things I'm not to please other people
16. I have done things that I wish I hadn't (j)
17. I hate being disorganized, though sometimes it is refreshing
18. I have danced on a rooftop
19. I've seen fabulous places all over the world
20. I do consider Saudi Arabia and muslim a huge part of me
21. I can count to ten in Arabic
22. I love football games, even in the cold or the rain
23. I love watching my brother play football and basketball
24. I am at complete peace when I'm with just my mom
25. I have to fall asleep with the tv on
26. black is my favorite color
27. when I paint my nails black, it means I'm either annoyed, angry, or feeling a little punk rockish
28. the color of my nails can tell you a lot about my mood
29. I am totally addicted to mentholatum and altoids
30. little kids running everywhere drives me crazy
31. I think I want to adopt kids when I have a family
32. I am all for public schools, rather than private which is ironic considering my family background
33. I love basketball, I could play all the time
34. I am confident in myself, though insecure about some things
35. I love reading magazines
36. I call my aunt when I am upset and she calms me down
37. I am always cold
38. I love black and white photos
39. Emily Dickinson is my favorite poet
40. I am very open minded, I hate racism or ethnic comments
41. I am accepting of people
42. I have had many "friends" that weren't really "friends" at all
43. I LOVE convertibles
44. I don't really like to talk on the phone
45. When I don't talk a lot, I'm thinking
46. in the end, all I want is to marry someone that I can talk to for hours, to tell him anything, someone that loves me unconditionally and someone I can laugh with about anything
47. I hate vulgar things
48. I worry about a lot of people all the time
49. I love to look at buildings around me, look at the detailing and the design
50. I enjoy driving long distances, it gives me a ton of time to think
51. I would do anything for my brother
52. I swear, I am always in the middle of EVERYTHING!
53. If you need someone to talk to, I'm a very good listener
54. I have talked on the phone for hours trying to solve people's problems... haha Tori!
55. I don't believe that age is a huge factor in relationships or friendships... well ok not a huge age difference
56. I'm really into brown right now
57. When I'm really angry, I won't say anything
58. I'm afraid of being hurt
59. I'm totally afriad of goodbyes, but totally immune to them at the same time
60. I feel like I missed out on a lot of stuff that my friends from Saudi got to do
61. I blame a lot on my dad
62. I am really close with my grandma, and love her company, we have such great conversations
63. I have 4 bedrooms at the moment
64. I have started an "awkward" movement with my cousins friends, and I say it all the time!
65. I don't drink coffee anymore, but I love a blended chai
66. I have suddenly acquired a great liking of hats, I love my yankees one!
67. Under Armor really is amazing
68. I could sit and write for hours, literally
69. I only like dark chocolate
70. my hair has been red, dark dark brown, and blonde
71. People always think my aunt is my mom cuz we look so much alike
72. People have thought me and my brother are twins
73. I am always thought to be older than I am
74. I enjoy going to mass
75. I love running, especially at sunset
76. I like talking to my mom, though some things I could never tell her
77. I feel insignificant at times
78. I have a lot of ambitions
79. I love historical fiction and I love going to Borders and browsing for hours
80. I am fascinated with the Venician courtesans... watch 'Dangerous Beauty'
81. I love learning about history
82. I like languages, I find them extremely intriguing
83. I could live in my Keds
84. Dove ice cream is amazing!
85. I love rasberries
86. I ALWAYS wear earrings
87. I love orchids
88. I have had a creepy internet stalker.. thank god that's over with
89. ipods are the most amazing thing ever
90. i like the city, but i like smaller towns too
91. i love old houses
92. i really like to cook and i watch the cooking channel
93. i love my height
94. i have a thing for tall guys, i always pick them out right away
95. I make my mom cd's all the time with random memorable names : haha milk and eggs mix
96. I always go cd and dvd shopping with my brother, he's got good taste in both too
97. My favorite names are Isabelle and Aden
98. my lucky numbers are 8 and 15
99. i would like someday to have someone know everything about me
100. I have a lot of secrets... secrets that people wouldn't think I'd keep

...there for a reason...

All my life I've been told that certain things happen, that many things are out of our control, but everything happens for a reason. My grandma has told me forever, "if you're born to be hung, you'll never drown." And I have been comtemplating this feat in the last few weeks; is it true, is every single second of our days planned, set out in a schedule before hand? Do we actually decide our fates at all, or is it all destiny, all set out ready to be put into place? And you know, I haven't a clue, though I can't imagine that God sat down one day and planned out everyone's lives; I can't imagine that He would not let us, his children and beloved ones, make our own mistakes and learn from our own failures, therefore setting our own destinies and letting our futures run according to how we live. I think that we all are responsible for what happens to us, and yet, I still believe that many things happen for a reason, that God puts those things in our paths for us to learn from them. So as I have come to this decision, it reminds me of how quickly our paths come toward us, how all of a sudden life is there for the taking, waiting for us to grasp it and go on. So as we approach the beginnings of a new era of our lives, may we always know that whatever is out in front of us is there for a reason.

*waiting to find*

my knees are scarred from prayer, my back hurt from falling down, time and time again, but in my heart I am strong, I am ready for what is next. i am reaching out to tomorrow and accepting whatever may be thrown my way. and while i hope that many things will happen in my life, i know that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. i am surrounded by photographs, amazing memories and i cannot wait to make so many more memories in my years. so i can heal my scars, and calm my pains and move on ahead, praying even more fiercely and getting back up quicker after i fall than before. so watch for me, because i will do what i've always dreamt of doing and all i need is in my heart, it always has been there just waiting for me to find it.

rainy dreams

the rain has cleansed us,
has taken its soul upon this world,
moved in us the ways of how we should be,
and risen us up to where we should be.

it rinses away our faults,
and saves us in its mystery,
moving us toward the clouds,
and pushing us upward toward our dreams.

through the rain we see the clouds,
and through the clouds we see the sun,
finally feeling warm after all these years of cold,
and moving forward toward glory and truth.

the rain cleanses this world,
and the people of its lands,
pushing us toward the clouds,
and forward toward our dreams.

*her flaws*

Today I saw her stumble, I saw her fall and not want to get up. Her heart sank as mine did in that moment and for the first time in my life I saw her break, I saw her flaws. It seemed for a moment that she was done, that she was broken and would not get up again. Her smile faded from her face and her eyes flooded with tears, not sure if those tears were for herself or for the hurt has endured. For I'm not sure if she even knew what those tears were falling for, but the very fact that they were falling was comforting in a sickening way. For her face was pale and her eyes were full of hurt, stress, and being overworked, tired each and every day. For she has never faultered, never faded before, she has never shown how tired she is, how worried she always is. This morning she became human after eighteen years, and her flaws became even more beautiful than her superhero ways. Her heart became real and I saw for the first time her smile fade from that beautiful face. And although now she has gone back to doing it all, acting as if all is fine, as if nothing is wrong, I saw her this morning with those tears. And as hard as she wants to pretend that she can do it all, she can't, it will kill her. Her heart cannot take it, her mind cannot take it and it will not do anything but harm her if she continues on. I hope with all my heart that she can become human once again and not be afraid to show her flaws, to show her worries. I pray that she knows that, that she can be strong enough to admit her faults and carry on, not worrying about petty things. For now my heart is burdened as well, for I worry about her and how she will handle herself because I know there are more tears behind those eyes, and more fears in that heart. It will only take time to see if she can handle her flaws and use them to push herself toward a more free and subtle heart.

*every woman should*

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill,
and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one friend who always
makes her laugh...
and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone
else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
eight matching plates,
wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal
that will make
her guests feel honored..
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a feeling of control over
her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
how to fall in love
without
losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to quit a job,
Break up with a lover,
and confront a friend
without ruining the
Friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder...
and
when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the
length of her calves,
the width of her hips,
or the nature of her parents....
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may
not have been perfect..
but its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and
wouldn't
do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone...
even if
she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen
table...
or a charming inn in the
woods...when her soul
needs soothing....
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't
accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

I will someday write a book and other things....

My aunt asked me an interesting question the other day that got me thinking. She asked why I don't want to major in some sort of English related field, such as journalism because I love to write. I find this question very ironic because in the past few weeks I have been thinking very seriously about ideas to start writing a book. And it got me thinking as I answered her question, that I love to write, possibly above anything else that I love to do, but I don't want to ruin that by making it a career, I want it to be something that I ALWAYS love to do. But after I told her this, I got to thinking, I have so many things that I want to do in my life so I decided to write all these things down, to keep track of them so that they become realities some day, not just dreams that float away into the sunset. So here it is... my dreams, the things I want to accomplish, the things that I hope and pray that will happen to me, and the things that I will work hard to succeed in each and every one of them.
1. Write a book and publish it
2. Find someone that I can be totally honest with
3. Continue on with my faith, never letting it go from my life
4. Buy an old house and fix it all up
5. Have a song written about me/for me
6. Publish a book of my poems
7. Find out more about my history... especially from my grandma
8. Write letters to everybody I love and tell them how amazing they've always been to me
9. Meet up with all my friends from Saudi, because I miss them each and every day
10. Finish college with honors
11. Find a small cottage in the South of Spain that I've talked about with a special someone
12. Live at least part of my adult life in another country, Morroco, Spain or perhaps somewhere else
13. Go back and visit Saudi and my small compound on the Gulf
14. Find out what happened to my first best friend, my first major crush and a few other influential people in my life and see them
15. Sit down with my mom and tell her everything that I've ever wanted to tell her and have no fear or apprehensions
16. To always be there for my brother, and help him with anything he ever needs
17. To build a better relationship with my dad, one that isn't fake or built on fantasy
18. Pray each and every single day
19. Shoot around with a basketball when I forget to go for a run
20. Find a guy who I don't have to hide anything from, who knows me inside and out and accepts every aspect of who I am
21. Look back at my photo albums when I get a little off focus in life
22. Learn to speak Arabic
23. Study the history of the Middle East, especially Saudi Arabia
24. Visit the Palace of Versailles, London, Madrid and Barcelona
25. Return to Cypress, it was so beautiful
26. Try to help my cousin growing up, he struggles with school and I'm sure will have some problems as he gets older
27. To always be there for any friend that needs help
28. I take a walk with the person I love down some narrow winding cobblestone street
29. Watch the stars in Paris
30. Sit on the beach in Saudi with my oldest friend (he knows who he is)
31.Write a poem for someone I love and give it to them
32. Give a poem I've written to someone who has hurt me
33. To always tell people how I feel, when I feel it
34. To continue writing all my life, never forgetting how it makes me feel
35. Design a building so magnificent that people stop and stare at it, just to see it, look at it
36. To never hold a grudge
37. To always love what I do no matter what it happens to be
38. Have a family and perhaps adopt kids
39. Possibly working in some organization like the UN someday, visiting other countries and helping with their situations
40. To drink more water
41. To write something that changes someone for the better, even if I never find out about it
42. Witness a miracle
43. Have someone take me up in a hot airballoon at sunset over some big city
44. To ride the train cross country
45. Change someone's life in some way, make an impact on them
46. Have someone sing Edwin McCain's "I'll Be" to be when I'm crying and hurt
47. To never lose contact with the people I care about, people I've left behind
48. Learn to be more outgoing
49. Learn to be more patient
50. To write a sequel to my book perhaps....

missing things

i miss the city, i do today. i miss the lights, the wind, the sounds echoing through the streets. i miss the rooms full of things to put away and the noises in the halls, the elevators. i miss the buildings, the trash on the streets and the safeway two blocks from my apartment. i miss the trolleys picking up and dropping people off at all hours of the day and the smells on the breeze drifting from place to place. i miss the trees and the flowers outside my building and the people that live 24 hours a day and walk everywhere. i miss the city, i do today. for some reason i wonder if it misses me too, though probably not, it is far too busy to notice that I am gone. but i do miss the city, will be back soon, a nice break and then back to the city. i will not miss these things too much longer, for i will be home.

obession

you were an obsession, a thought. something that wouldn't go away, i had no idea why, i had no idea how it got to that point. but that's all done now, my heart moving on to other things, moving past what i felt. no one knows why it happened when it did, why it did. it happened and it's done now, there is no point in carrying on about it, but i had to say this, had to get it out, once and for all. yes it hurt, you were an obsession and she was taking you away from my thoughts, it happened and now it's done. i don't feel the same way now when i listen to your music, i don't care if you send me that message or not, i'm not dwelling on it. you were an obsession, a friend who become more to me, but it's done. no more do i feel how i felt and i wanted this out of my heart, out of my mind. the candle has flickered and gone out and the wind is blowing a bit more gently now. i'm sorry for those i hurt and i'm sorry that it happened, i don't know why it did then and there. but we're moving on these days and you're a friend now, so now you know, it's over, done. you were an obsession, a thought, controling my days and my nights, but don't worry cuz it's over, done with.

"the right time and place"

What if I made a mistake? Maybe I was wrong, should I have crawled back in it so soon? Sometimes I think I didn't give myself enough time, maybe it wouldv'e worked out, now we'll never know. You were perfect in every way and though our time was limited together and our situation unlikely, I can't help but think of you. Why do our feelings lead us so astray? And I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone like you again, if I'll get to talk to you again, meet your eyes again, those amazing eyes. So I throw my feelings to the wind and let it decide what will come of them, where they will end up. But for an hour, I felt like you knew me, like you cared about who I was, and that you didn't care what other people thought of me. But for now, those eyes will remain in my memory and perhaps someday we'll see each other in the right time and place...

how deeply do you know me?

Don't you wonder how people see you? I wonder, especially lately, what people that know nothing about me, think of me. Do those that have known me for a long time have grudges against me or do we have great memories to remember? Have you been hurt by me, have you had feelings for me? I wonder if people think I'm a bitch or if I come off shy; I wish I could read peoples' minds and see what they think of me. Life is so ironic because you can know someone for decades and not really know what they think of you, how they remember you. Who am I; how does my appearance come across; how deeply do you know me? I want answers and someday perhaps I will get them...

that person we're looking for

How is it there are all these songs that express the amazing things guys do for the girls they love, yet in the real world, how many girls find the guys that sing those songs? And yet, we still believe in finding that guy that will complete us, that will sweep us off our feet and that will never stop loving us for who we really are. It is ironic as well that many guys that are those men that will make a girl weak in the knees and will sweep her off her feet everyday, are the ones who don't think that of themselves. I have met a few of these amazing guys in the world, one of them in fact last night as well as a few of my friends that I know, and it seems they do not realize how incredible they truly are. So here it goes: I'm sorry that I haven't ever told you earlier or that you don't feel like you are appreciated because those of you that I know to be this kind of easy going, romantic, kind and generous person deserve to know it. There are a few that I know that will probably never even read this and will never know how amazing they are, how deeply they touched me and how they will remain in my mind forever. But those of you that do read this, thank you for being that guy and someday you will find an amazing girl that will treasure you each and every day. For me, I met a truly inspiring guy last night and though nothing will happen between us, I saw for the first time in a long time that there are guys out there that care, that are kind and true. So thank you for who you are, and someday we will all find that person we're looking for...

*Story of My Life"

When a GIRL is quiet, Millions of things are running in her mind.
When a GIRL is not arguing, She is thinking deeply.
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions, She is wondering
how long you will be around.
When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds, She is not at all
fine.
When a GIRL stares at you, She is wondering why you are lying.
When a GIRL lays on your chest, She is wishing for you to be hers
forever.
When a GIRL wants to see you everyday, She wants to be pampered.
When a GIRL says I love you, She means it.
When a GIRL says "i miss you", No one in this world can miss you
more than that.

So here's to all the girls in the world, for their feelings are real, their love true, and their hearts pure....

"Evenings of Bliss"

I saw your eyes and knew at once,

I felt a pull towards your heart,

A tug to feel your presence.

And as I glanced away,

I felt my heart pulling back to see you,

To look into those eyes once again.

A gentle glance was enough,

And that attraction was taking me over,

Pulling me in, back to you.

And as our eyes met,

You were only a smile away,

A boy who was pulling me in,

And I felt that gentle pull towards your heart.

So thank you for an evening of bliss,

And I know that nothing will ever happen between us,

But I will see you every now and then,

At games and here and there,

And we can have that moment once again.

Thank you for seeing me,

For smiling and acknowledging my presence.

Your gentle smile and your heartfelt eyes soothed me,

And for that evening, I enjoyed those silent glances from the field,

I enjoyed watching you and meeting your eyes.

And as soon as I saw your eyes,

You had me, I knew at once.

So thank you for that bliss,

For that evening of glances back and forth.

Your smile showed me what I want,

And perhaps someday I will know you,

But for now, I will enjoy these evenings of bliss.
~Casey

Please Help!!!

I am sitting here with everything I could possibly need and more, and as I watch my tv and see the devastation right here in the US, not that far from us, I am moved deeply by the scene. I'm sure by now you all have seen the devastation from Hurricane Katrina that has occurred on the Mississippi and Louisiana coasts. It is hurendous to say the least and there are thousands that need desperate help; women and children without food, babies dying, dead bodies on the streets and in the waters. There are thousands trapped inside buildings without food or water, riots in the streets, gun shots regurlary sounding and not near enough help. It seems like a foregin country to us, this scene we are not used to seeing, something that seems like it is out of Africa or the Middle East. These poor Americans are being called "refugees" and they are trapped inside a city that is collapsing around them. These Americans, our brothers and sisters, need our help. If you possibly can, please consider donating to the American Red Cross, a major force in the distress efforts in New Orleans and around the South. You can send checks to PO Box 5004, Portland, Oregon 97208 or visit KGW.com to use a credit card. This is a tremendous situation and any little bit helps, even if it is 5 of 10 dollars. Please consider helping all those that are devastated by this storm that took the heart out of one of America's most treasured cities. If you cannot donate, at least please pray for the survivors of this storm, for those that are trapped, for those that haven't a prayer in the world. Keep them all on your mind and think of them when we think our own lives are hard and stressful, just imagine what they are going through. God bless all of you....

*in my prayers*

Last night a saw a view of the city that I'd never seen before, I found a peace that I haven't known for a while now. Suddenly, as the sun set behind the city lights and the buildings gave off a purple hint as they watched the sun set in its glory, the city was at peace and it knew nothing of heartaches, nothing of trials, nothing of chaos. And as I watched, two boys skateboarded down some stairs, enjoying the evening as much as anyone else. A woman drove home from work only to meet her children in the front yard. Life was perfect last night, calm and peaceful and beautiful. Though in a place not so far away, people lost their homes, all their belongings, their treasures. Some lost their lives, some their hearts, some their cars, some their family members or friends. So how can one night be magical, perfect in one place and totally ruined in another? I guess we all must remember that someday that could be us, something like that could happen here, to us, or to people we love. So in time, we will experience total chaos, ruins of a city we loved, and everything we had gone to the winter wind. But right now, we can pray for those that have lost it all. And although my night, my view, my experience was perfect, gorgeous, holy and true, someone else was hurt, someone else lost everything they had, so they will be in my prayers, for now and or a long time on out.

I love you Mom

I miss you, I miss talking to you. I wish we were closer, nearer in distance and in spirit. For I miss our talks, your smile, your laugh. I miss the way you look at me and I miss trusting you. I wish you would've shown me that trust; I wanted you to stand up for me, who I am, who I was, but you didn't. And though I could never not love you, I lost a part of you that I had always kept. I miss being "us," I wish I could repeat last year, grow even closer to you, with the time we had. But it's done, that year is gone, and he took you away from me again. I know you trust me, I do, but it wouldn't hurt to show that every once and a while. Please know that I love you with all my heart, you were once my best friend, who I told everything to, but now that's gone, lost in the drifts of life. I miss you, I miss being around you and I miss singing in your car, making you cd's, and talking on all those long drives home. And yes, Mom, I have changed. But I have grown up and you know, I wish that that wouldn't have driven us apart. I miss seeing you everyday and just hearing your voice on the phone isn't enough, it's not the same. And even though I shouldn't, I will always blame him for taking you away, taking your trust away from me. I know that if it was just you and me it would be amazing, perfect always. I do love you with all my heart, I only wish that I could see you every day, that I could talk to you about anything in my life. But I can't, you're busy with your own life, moving on, Jamie, work, dinner, errands, I know you're tremendously busy and I award you for that, you do it all with ease and skill. But somehow I feel like now I'm just another thing on the list, talking to your daughter at the end of a busy day. I wish things were different, I miss you, I miss you so, so much. I love you Mom, I always will.

*the internet*

There was a moment this morning when I saw for the first time all my faults, flaws and regrets in detail. I was reading an entry of someone's that made me realize that we are all the same, we all are scared, we all are unhappy with ourselves and that we all wish somehow things were different. This entry was by a girl that I barely new in high school, but a girl who always I found intriguing. I never knew anything about her, I never got to see who she really was, how she struggled, what her layers were like. And I find it ironic that now through this wonderful thing we call the internet we can know more about those people that we barely know in real life. I have found out more about her, about my friends, about crushes, about life through the internet. You find what people truly feel, there is no lying, no faking, because what you write, everyone sees the same thing, you cannot hide yourself. And besides that, when you write something, it can be interpretted a hundred different ways. Words become motives for interpretation; lies become apparent; truth becomes a blog for strangers and friends alike to see your weaknesses, your life, your deepest self. So the internet is truly a place where truth becomes a necessity, lies are known to everyone. It is a place where a word or two can mean something entirely different than you wanted it to, or meant it to. You can see that people read your messages, even if they do not respond to them, leaving you to wonder, why have they not responded, is it me or them? It shows us if people are vain or if they are modest, it shows us how we are all the same. It gives us confidence as people comment on our beauty, our intellect, our intelligence, our talents. And it gives us a place to express ourselves, our fears, our frustrations at a time in our lives where those things run rampant around us. So I have to think, that without this amazing, intricate, addictive part of our lives, where would our generation be? What key does the internet play in our lives, a huge part of our day to day lives. So remember that the next time you enter your password and sign on, that lies can be no more in this cyber world and the truth is open to anyone who wants to read it...

I'm not afraid of anything

I thought this was very appropriate for the way I've been feeling lately... but I have come to realize that I shouldn't be afraid, I should be anxious and I shouldn't be hurt, I should be appreciative of all I've been through, a lesson learned with each... so here in these words I feel comfort in knowing that I have a ton to look forward to, that my life is only just beginning and that I have a whole new life just beginning...

I'm not afraid of anything
I just need to know that I can breathe
And I don't need much of anything
But suddenly suddenly

I am small and the world is big
All around me is fast moving
Surrounded by so many things
Suddenly suddenly

How does it feel
To be different from me
Are we the same
How does it feel
To be different from me
Are we the same
How does it feel

I am young
And I am free
But I get tired and I get weak
I get lost and I can't sleep
But suddenly suddenly

How does it feel
To be different from me
Are we the same
How does it feel
To be different from me
Are we the same
How does it feel

Would you comfort me
Would you cry with me

I am small
And the world is big
But I'm not afraid of anything

How does it feel
To be different from me
Are we the same
How does it feel
To be different from me
Are we the same
How does it feel
To be different from me
Are we the same
How does it feel
To be different from me
Are we the same?

How does it feel
How does it feel
You're different from me
Different
How does it feel
How does it feel
You're different from me
Different

...waiting for me...

We all get hurt in different ways and it takes longer for some to recover than others. But today as I started to get stuff together for this new chapter of my life, I realized that I am done with the hurt and frustrations of this summer. And while I have been through a lot this summer, I've cried a lot, been scared to move on, I now have realized that there is nothing to be scared of. I saw today that there is so much out there for me, so much that I never even knew was there or that I might enjoy or come to love. But honestly, I still am having a harder time getting over the recent fight I had with my dad, and I haven't spoken to him since. Though I want to see his point, I fail to see the truth in what he said to me. And that fight hurt me deeply, the things that he said to me, that he assumed about me, and the fact that he doesn't seem to know much about who I truly am really upset me and I am having a hard time getting over that and moving on. Though all else that this summer has handed me, things that have hurt me, that have been tough and things that brought tears to my eyes, I am finding it easier to move on. I was hurt, but I'm done with feelings, with distance from those I wish I was closer to, and all those things that have made me cry this summer. Those are the things that I am moving on from, that today showed me there is so much out there for me and there is no point in waiting around for these things to come to me. I have decided that I am stronger than I thought I was, and I will not let others dictate what my life turns out to be; I will not wait for things that I only thought will complete me. So I'm done with many things that I feel and I wish I could get over what my dad said to me, but for now I can't. However, all the rest of the crap of this summer, the hurt, the tears, they're done with, over,and I'm done with them as well. Goodbye to those summer feelings, I thought those were what was going to complete me, but I have only just realized that I can complete myself and I have a whole new life waiting for me.

*I Hope*

So here I am, sitting in a beautiful city, lights shining from the magnificent buildings all around me, the black night sky encompassing the world and I sit here, in silence wondering what comes next. My mind is drifting toward many thoughts, but there in the center of all of them is the revolving door that is titled "hope." I have thought long and hard about this idea of hope, of a feeling, wishing things will happen, hoping they will. And it seems that to me, hope is something that we can't live without because without it, life would be nothing to dream about, nothing that we want to happen to us in the future. So I think that hope can be a range of a ton of things. Hope can be a mere image of what we want, a black and white picture of a kiss in front of the eiffel tower or a view of a stunning city at sunset. Hope can be our dreams, our thoughts, our minds racing and scattered with ideas and desires. For me, all I can hope for are my dreams and that they become real someday. Yesterday my world came crashing down, it was rough and tears were not strangers to my eyes anymore and my hope for the situations that came up truly vanished completely. Though today, as I find peace here in the city, I feel my hope being restored. I hope that I will heal and that I will overcome my fear of being hurt. I hope that I will learn to love without reservation, without trying to protect myself. I hope that I will never lose hope, that my faith will always be steady, and that my life will be a success. All of these things are hopes, dreams, desires, and someday, perhaps I willl know the secrets of hope and what it is and means. So in that black and white picture, I can hope that someday that will be me, that my hopes have a chance of coming true and that someday I will forgive myself for all I've done to hide my heart. I hope that hope stays with me all my life, because without it, my dreams and desires would cease to exist. I hope that hope is always alive.

The Daughter They Never Even Knew

We grow up hearing, “Be your own person,” “Go for what you feel,” and “become whatever you want to become.” But then as we grow up and get to that point when those are the things we need to be doing, suddenly those parents that told us all those things, pull the plug on our dreams. They give us everything and never ask for anything in return, but the moment that all we need is their support in becoming the person we are becoming, they are not there. You know, I used to believe that I could tell my parents anything, especially my mom, that I trusted her to know what I truly feel. But anymore I do not. I trust no one except a few friends to know the secrets of my heart. I feel alone and totally lost, but I cannot tell my parents that, they will punish me for it. I have changed, matured, grown into myself, found out more about who I truly am inside, but yet they look down upon that and tell me to go back to how I used to be. They tell me they trust me with everything, that I have always done what they have wanted, but when I am upon the beginning of doing it, they get nervous and don’t trust that I’ll do the right thing, even though I always have. How is it fair that I have never done anything wrong, nothing major anyway, and all my peers have, though they get more trust from their parents than I do? How can I be treated like this when the others are praised and are partying that very night, doing everything that I never did?

It makes me angry that I have tried to become who I truly am inside and that I am looked down upon for that. For they have no idea of what is going on in my head; in my heart. They have no idea that today of all days is the worst to spring this on me; and in fact I bet they wouldn’t even care. They would tell me to get over it and move on, just as they did with the move. I want to scream, for inside of myself I am screaming, yelling, irate at them for all that they pretend to be and do! They don’t understand anything about me, I’m not sure if they ever did. They pretended to know me, to be close to me, but did they ever know the real me? I don’t really think they did, they saw me doing well, doing all that I was supposed to do and overlooked who I was. All those times they were proud of me, it wasn’t me they were proud of, it was what I was doing that made them feel proud. I don’t know that they have ever been proud of “me;” of who I truly am, they don’t know me at all.

So I don’t care anymore; if they want it this way, it will be this way. They can do what they do, help me out, whatever, and I will thank them when necessary, appease them. But I will not fall short to their giving, I will not loose myself because they feel unappreciated. I will grow apart from them, then we will see who comes begging for their daughter back, the daughter they never even knew.

"Waiting to See"

For a moment, it felt like I was in a dream, like I had something to offer. But that moment is gone and the smile is gone from my face now; perhaps for a very long time it will be gone, who knows. But I feel like I'm lost, my heart sunken lower and when you see me next, I will be different. My faith has been shattered again and I only find refuge in my sunset, though I will be alone in it. I shake day and night and it is strange how feelings can come and go, be strong and then disappear at once. So now I know for sure that nothing will become of what I feel and all that you wanted, you found someplace else. I will not be the same when you see me next; for my smile will be lost and my nails will be dark, just like my heart. The truth has hurt me, but I will go on, move on. I used to believe that everything happens for a reason, and though it's hard to see, maybe that's really true. I give up trying to know why things happen... so I guess I'll just have to wait to see.

*Under the Stars Alone*

I have discovered a feeling I've never had, a hurt inside of myself, a moment that made me stop and think about who I am and what I need. What I've felt lately is slowly dissolving as I see it failing and as I stand staring into the stars, I realize that it's the end of what I feel. This is the end of this era, the beginning of a new chapter, a new era in my young life. So I will look to the stars and walk on knowing that I will be alright with myself, that I will heal and that life will go on. Friends and feelings will come and go, but I will always have my heart and myself to hold on to. And in that I feel peace, knowing that life is hard, it's supposed to be and that makes us stronger in the end. So as I feel the thoughts inside my heart dissolving as they fail around me, for I should've known, I should've seen it coming, I will remember them fondly but put them away; move on into different feelings, different experiences. So forgive me for letting them go, but I cannot go on with them because they are only mine; and not helping on either end. So as I walk on under the stars alone, I see their beauty and their peace and I know that life has only just begun.

writing

What is it about writing that frees me? Perhaps it is the fact that I can say anything I want, that I can put on paper all that I feel, all that I want, all that I desire. Writing is a sensation that has no boundaries, that looks down upon no one and that pushes the limits of life itself. When I write, my mind is wild, unpredictable and totally magnified, open to anything and unafraid to say it. It is a passion that I hope to keep forever; something that frees my entire mind and soul, and helps to mend my heart as I write about broken emotions, feelings, and thoughts. Every word I write, every sentence I craft my heart opens further into itself and I find out more about my very being, who I am. Writing is thrill, a time when all I have to answer to is myself and what I feel, and it shows the truest aspect of me. For in my writing my heart is there, laid out on a blank page, a journey of my mind and heart and in it, I can push myself to the extremes or lay low and except a smaller sense of passion. For writing is my escape from the world, my wings to fly to another place. When I am upset, inspired or simply content, I escape to my writing to free myself of the burdens of life and in it, I am cured, healed and able to fly back, ready for another day, whatever might come my way.

Like a Lantern

Dan Millman once said, "That faith means living without uncertainty- feeling your way through life, letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark," and what an amazing idea that is. And yet why is it so hard to let that uncertainty take us over and to let our hearts guide us? For I know exactly how I feel in my heart, so why is it so hard to express that feeling to the person that needs to hear it the most? It is because I am afraid to go out into the dark with only my heart to guide me; I'm afraid to get lost along the way, or worse yet, lose that person along the way or be pushed aside. But if I don't share my heart, then I will lose more in the end, and I know that. Life only gets harder as we age, as we get older, but it gets even more intriguing each day that we are alive too, so either way... we must choose which path we take and live with that. I must find what I feel before moving on and expressing that to the world and to that person. But I am afraid to lose it and to lose all that I feel because of getting hurt; I'm afraid to give my heart and get nothing in return. So I guess what I have to do is decide which is better: show my heart and take the chance of that fulfillment, or put my heart out on a line and risk getting hurt. But either way, I will have got out into the dark and I will just have to see if I get led back into the daylight or if I am lost in the dark for a while.
And I know inside my heart, that everyone falls sometimes, that hearts get broken and mended, that life goes on. But it's so hard to give part of yourself when you don't know what you will get back from it. And a piece of my heart may very well be gone forever, lost in all eternity, but maybe that's what I need. Maybe finally I will be able to move on either way because I will know; I might get hurt, my heart might fail me, but at least I will know, one way or the other.... So here's to putting your heart on the line, living with the uncertainty, and walking into the dark with only your heart guiding you like a lantern in the very black and uncertain night.

You Mean the World to Me!

So as I am back in Eugene now after 3 days down in Medford, I thought that I should do a little writing about how amazing those 3 days really were! First of all, I got to see people that I haven't seen in two months at least, and those people made my trip so incredibly special! I can't even imagine what I would do without those people in my life and you guys are amazing people and amazing friends! B, Alex, Bre, Tori, Lyss, Jordan, Kate, Amanda... I had such an amazing time with all of you! Being back there reminded me of how much we truly need friends and you have all been there for me all along, I appreciate that so much! You are all such inspirations and mean so much to me, and that will never change. You all have such amazing and interesting lives, and though you may not know it, you are the people that make life better for those around you! You all are fabulous and I will never forget any of you, there's no way that I could. So thank you for making those 3 days extraordinary, each and every moment that I spent with you was incredible. From taking pics of sunsets, amazing ones at that, to watching for shooting stars, to awkward moments at a certain family's house, to driving up country roads, to getting chased away by sirens in the middle of the night, to dancing on rooftops, to getting chased away by helicopters from the hill, to going to Safeway just for Macaroni and just sitting by the pool talking for hours. Each moment I spent with each of you was so extraordinary and I realized that I miss you all so much when I'm not there! But thank you for always being there for me, for making my time in Medford amazing, and for just being who you are.... that perhaps means the most! And you all mean the world to me!

~The Shore~

The Shore

Sailing away into the sunset,

The gray sky overhead, rough blue water beneath you,

And you are capsizing around the waves,

Roaring around you.

Some drown you,

Some merely pull you down,

Others leave you restless,

And yet still others let you rest on top of them,

Only to drop you lower when they fall.

The sky turns crimson as you struggle in the waves,

And I am speechless, weeping on the shore,

Watching you fall over and over again,

As all those waves keep crashing against you.

Time after time, you think they will raise you up,

That they will deliver to the shore,

But rather, they beat you down, farther and farther,

Not caring if you survive or if you come out broken at the other end.

Though I am still motionless on the shore,

Unable to speak to you, to call out your name;

I have no power over the waves around you,

And the grey and crimson sky turns black, slowly but steady.

Soon the stars are out, the moon barely lighting the way,

And you are lost in the waves once again,

Each one building you up, then crushing you with its curse,

Abandoning you in their power,

Pushing you down and down,

And you only come back up shattered, broken and hurt.

I try to reach for you,

To grasp your hand and pull you into my safety,

But you will not let me,

Your grasp is slipping from me,

Your hand falling away.

If only I could pull you into the safety of the shore,

If only I could keep you out of those waves and all their power,

But I cannot, for I am unable to hold on to you,

To keep you safe upon the shore.

The waves keep you and you let them,

You let them toss and handle you,

In that dark, cold and rotten water.

But if I had the chance,

To reach out and grab your hand,

To pull you out of that hideous sea of water,

I would rescue you to the safety of the sand,

And keep you on the shore until all that’s broken is put back together,

And until you are strong enough to stay on that shore forever.

~Casey

Back off...

Maybe it's me, maybe it's the world I've been living in, but lately I have not laughed at the stupid jokes my brother makes or the immature ideals that my dad tries to portray. I am not amused that my mom thinks I'm a child and I am so tired of being seen as a girl who needs a phone call every hour of every day. I have grown up and I need some space to find out what I want, who I am and where I am going; I don't need to be watched over every second of the day. I am forming my own opinions of this world and I want to be able to say what I believe, love who I want to love, and be who I want to be without being criticized for it, or rebuked for it. And maybe it is me, maybe I am sensitive to the fact that I am on my own now for the most part, but at the same time, I would like to be able to know that I can do it on my own and still have that approval, just a bit farther away. And yes I love my family very much, though at the moment I am tired of the constant questioning and the phone calls how many times a day... so right now... I need make my own life on my own and do what I want to find out what I want, need and who I am. So I want them to back off... and let me be until I realize where it is that I am going and who it is that I am.

~Maybe I'm wrong, but I'd rather Believe~

So some say that faith is a waste of time, something that we don't need, that is useless in this modern world. To those people, I would stop whatever I was doing and ask them how they can say that. How can we wake up to that brilliant sun every morning, watch amazing moments all through the day, and go to bed without any sort of belief in something higher? How do you find love for the first time and not believe that there is something higher above us all? For I do not know how someone can just lose their faith, suddenly forget and move on. I just don't know and I hope that I never will understand that. It is something that is inside of us all, uniquely and individually, something we all have to come to grips with totally on our own. Our faith depends on how much we believe in ourselves and how much we need that faith in our lives. Though still, I beleive that faith is more than just believing in God or not, it is a lifestyle, a choice, a direction, a specific path we choose for ourselves and then base our lives around that. And yet, there are many people in this world with incredible morals and wonderful, pure ideas that have no faith at all, however, is their life as full as it could be? Or are they missing something very important in their day to day lives? And when they die, what is it that they will long for? But I guess we never know and perhaps I am totally wrong is believing what I beleive, in praying to a God I think I know. Maybe there is no life after death, perhaps we are not here for a reason, perhaps this world was not a creation, but an evolution of life. But isn't that sad and unfulfiilling to believe that? For even if I am totally wrong, and my faith is a huge mistake, a sad and committed joke, I would rather live believing in something higher and something ahead of me, than to live life wondering if there is more to see? I would always regret not having that extra push in my day, or that peaceful hour on Sundays during mass, the holiest time I can ever be a part of. So yes, maybe I am stupid to believe what I believe, but the truth is that my faith is what guides my life, what pushes me to succeed and what holds my hand when I need a little help. It is my guiding force day after day and it is my stepping stone through life, guiding me, leading me, pushing me on. So my faith is in a sense, my path through life, showing me what to do and what not to do and so far... it's led me pretty well.

"your little girl forever and for always"

Almost 19 years ago, a man wondered what kind of father he would be, how he would love a child with all his heart and how he would make her happy. That man should not have worried about such things for it is in his nature to be the best father a girl could ever ask for and so he has been for almost 19 years now. That man is my father, you, and an amazing person at that.

For my entire life, you have done nothing but love me and accept who I was. You had faith in me when no one else did and you believed in me from the first day that I lived. You knew that I would do everything that I could do and you accepted the decisions I made like they were your own. For almost 19 years you have given me more than I could ever ask for, you have been there when I needed you most and you have loved me with all you have ever had. I am so thankful that I have a dad like you and I know that I am so lucky, for many never get the chance to have a dad like you.

The father-daughter relationship is tricky at times, very sensitive and even perhaps unstable. For some things a father does not understand, and may never understand about his daughter, as well as there being things that a daughter will never know about her father, but in the end, it is the love between them that brings them back together. And I will be honest, we’ve been through some rough times, times when I was mad at you for what you thought or did, but without those times where would we be today? And our relationship has only strengthened as I have grown, but I will always be your little girl, worshiping the ground her father walks on. Joseph Addison once said, “that certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express." And how truly put is that? For there are truly no words that can conquer the father-daughter relationship and in that mystery of that love so strong, there is even more mystery behind that look a father always has for his daughter, and the admiration a daughter always has for her father.

So thank you for being that man that you are, because I know that you have touched not only me, but hundreds of people you have met. So many, many people think the world of you and you have inspired tons and tons of kids through your years. Though none of them have been as touched with your love as I have, for through all the ups and downs, when I look back on my childhood, I see your face and smile comforting me, guiding me, directing me, toward that life you always knew that I would lead. Thank you for helping me to find myself, for accepting who I am, and for always pushing me to follow my heart, wherever it took me. Your life is an inspiration, your heart is a stronghold to all who are in its reaches and you have been the best dad a girl could ever have. With all my heart, thank you for being you and for loving me as you always have. Happy Birthday and please know that whatever I do, whatever I say, or whoever I meet will always be a reflection of you. You are my safety and you will always be my dad, just like I will always be your daughter, and nothing will ever change that. I love you with all my heart… and I hope you enjoy this collection of things that will forever remind me of you! You deserve every moment that someone thinks of you for you truly are an inspiration to the world!

Love,

Your little girl forever and for always,

~Casey~

We'll See....

Someone very intriguing once said, "love is like a painting, in the beginning it is only an idea, but over time it is built up through errors and corrections till you have a breath taking work of art for all to see." How extraordinary is that? To look at love in that way... however, most of us know that love is not realistic that way, it is hurried and overlooked in our busy world. Why is it some can fall so deep in love that the world does not matter anymore, and others never find that special person in their life? Love is something that I think hardly any one truly understands, and everyday I wonder if love will ever be a true part of my life... how will it change and effect me? When will I fall in love? How will I know it is true... but I guess the answers to all of my questions are that I will know when it happens to me. That's all I can hope for at this point in my life, and I guess that I may never know the reasons love captures some and skips others... but I hope with all my heart that I will be touched by some sort of love in my life... we'll see....

~Perfect Girl~

Perfect Girl... by Sarah McLachlan

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Me me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go wrong in loving you

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

... never faulter again...

You know as I sit her tonight listening to a few of my favorite songs and thinking about everything ahead of me, I am suddenly at peace. And you know, I am open to where ever life takes me and at this point who knows where that will be... And I know that my heart will be broken along the way, but if it's meant to be, then how can we fight it. Life is so intricate and so confusing at times... but as I think more about it, I think we are supposed to be asking questions, attempting to find answers, and feeling more like we are drifting away in chaos rather than knowing everything. As we grow up and learn more about ourselves and the world, I am feeling more and more scattered, unsure of the world around me, yet inside I am finally realizing that perhaps that is more of who I am and who we all should be. We are not meant to know all the answers, there is no point in living if we do, there would be no point in experiencing anything or living to experience anything. As Emile Cioran once said, "Chaos is rejecting all that you've learned and being yourself." That is exaclty what I believe we must do to survive our fears and thoughts of failure, learn to love the chaos in life, becasue without it, without those questions we have for ourselves, our futures and the world, we would never get to live life just to live. And we would be swept away in boredom and in over confidence... so learn to live with the chaos and live to try and answer those questions we are all trying to answer. For when you find those answers, and believe me you will, it will be a moment of briliance and you will never faulter again....

favorite part of my day

So as I was driving home tonight, I was in awe as I drove with the top down on my car and right at the exact moment that the sun was setting. It was the most beautiful thing ever and totally cleared my mind. Why is it that the sunset is so fabulous?? It truly is amazing and makes me melt every time I watch it. Sunsets really do inspire me and they are perhaps my favorite part of the day... a sunset is clearly the key to my heart haha... well maybe not... but definiltey is one of my favorite things in this world!!!!

hmmm o colors....

Hmmm ok this might be a bit weird... but I'm gonna try it out for Adam's sake... Ok so my favorite color is pink and anyone who knows me knows that. So in my life there is pink everywhere... pink nails, pink towels in my apartment, pink thank you cards, pink purses... haha and so much more. But really pink is an amazing color when you think about it and it truly effects us in so many ways every day! First thing in the morning when you walk outside to get the paper, chances are there are pink flowers somewhere in your yard... flowers that smell good and make you smile because they are so simple, but so beautiful. Then whenever you make someone laugh or blush, their face turns pink, again a sign that they are nervously happy or excited about something... both good emotions. There are pink houses, pink cars, pink wallets, Pink the singer, pink like a cute little pig... pink is everywhere in our world! And then to end your day, if you are lucky the sky will be a vibrant pink at sunset... the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, something you could watch night after night. And what an amazing end to a day... to end the day seeing that fabulous, intricate color that can be so many shades, so many palettes, so many forms... So next time you think about it, how does your favorite color affect you, it probably affects you in more ways than one!