What I'm Doing in this World

I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight and actually recently I've found myself battling a lot within myself. And in that time of reminiscing, I have realized a lot about myself, about who I have become, about the woman I am now. I am an incredibly complicated girl, someone that it might take a long time to get to know, but someone that is worth knowing. I am someone that is worth the effort, someone that is worth every second, every minute of the time that it takes to get to know someone. I have a lot of depth, and not much of that is available upon just meeting me.

I am a girl that is very proud of where I am from, and very defensive of the world I knew as a child. I have grown up in a way that is unique and different to most. That heritage, that experience as a child is a very important part of who I have become. I don't look kindly on those that would criticize or not accept that part of who I am. I also have a very broad knowledge of cultures and of countries elsewhere and I believe in the magic of language, of culture. I hope to learn as many languages as possible in my lifetimes, even if that's just snip-its of languages. As of right now, I can speak Spanish, a little Arabic, a little Korean and I'm working on my French. Languages fascinate me, the words we live our days by, in every country around the world, that's what matters to me. Words and culture and design... to me they are all one.

I am ambitious, I won't go lightly and I won't give anything less than all I have to give. My career is very important to me, and I love every single second of it. No matter what I'm doing, I love the versatility of the career I have chosen. I love that I can be drawing one day and meeting with clients the next, that I can make a space so much more than it was before, that I can transform something that no one else thought could be anything. I love having the ability to prove a point with my spaces, to change someones life, to get my ideas out there through a project and to promote what I believe to a client. My career, my field, is exactly the right fit for me and everyday I'm so glad that I chose this as a career and that I followed my heart.

My life is complicated, it always has been and it always will be - that's just me. I'm never going to be the girl that's always in one place, that never leaves, that is content to be in one place her whole life. I will always be all over the place, I will always be following my dreams and I will always be ambitious. I will always expect the most from everyone in my life, because I expect that from myself. I will always raise the bar and I will always go the extra mile, because that's who I am. I will always be complicated and emotional and independent. My greatest fear in the world is losing any of those traits, because that is at the very existence of my being, that is what defines me, and makes me believe in who I am, in where I'm going and what I'm going to do in this world.

A lot has changed... but I'm still here

A lot has changed in 5 years since I first wrote in this blog about who I was, what I wanted to be and where I was going. 5 years ago, I was just beginning my journey. I was young, naive, and unsure of where I was going. And here I am, I'm still here and I'm a little different, a little older and little wiser. Here is who I am; a lot has changed, but I'm still here, I'm still here.

So updated from the original: http://cmartpage.blogspot.com/2005/09/take-me-or-leave-me-part-1.html

Take me or leave me part 3... 2010:

1. I have found that my understanding of faith has changed, and sometimes sitting through mass is the only thing in my life that can sooth me.
2. I still need to be alone sometimes, I still need my space and I still need time to just be by myself.
3. I still love writing more than perhaps anything else, but I don't have as much time for it as I used to.
4. I don't need to live on diet coke anymore and I'm trying to kick the habit, at least cut back.
5. I found a love for Sex and the City... and whenever I need a little pick-me-up or a smile, that's where I go
6. I still love sunsets
7. I am extremely impatient, but I'm learning every day how to deal with that
8. Music still very much soothes me, all different kinds
9. I love to read when I have time, I wish I had more time to do it
10. I don't shop so much anymore, but every once in a while I will take a few hours to do it. I'm more into buying pieces that are classic, that last and that go with everything.
11. I have pretended to be things I'm not to please other people.
12. I have done things I wish I hadn't, but I've learned from all of those mistakes
13. There are memories that I find myself forgetting about, like dancing on a rooftop with a boy I barely knew.
14. I have seen more fabulous places around the world in the last 5 years, many of which I never thought I would.
15. I still consider my birthplace and childhood home in the Middle East a part of me, but it's a little less of a part of me than it used to be.
16. I can still count to 10 in Arabic, and also in French and Spanish. And I can say hello and thank you in Korean.
17. I still need to fall asleep to the TV or a movie
18. Black is no longer my favorite color, I'd have to say my favorite is pink now.
19. I still keep my nails always painted and the color will still tell you a lot about my mood.
20. I am still totally addicted to mentholatum, but not altoids anymore.
21. Little kids still drive me crazy... though I have warmed to a few in particular. Like my little nephew Preston :)
22. I don't want kids, I have come to that realization and I'm okay with it, and I'm more aware of how that comes across to people. But I think it's an important choice for everyone to make and it shouldn't be something you just do because you think you should.
23. I am much more confident in myself, in who I am and in what I can do. I'm not afraid to run with the men and to shine through.
24. I still love reading magazines, it's kind of an escape for me.
25. My aunt is no longer in my life and has hurt many people that I love very much in that process. And I have found that I no longer need her to go to when I need someone to listen.
25. I am still always cold, and increasingly so over the years. I think I have bad circulation.
26. I am constantly trying to be more open minded.
27. I miss my convertible very much.
28. I don't like talking on the phone unless it's with my grandma or my mom or Nick.
29. When I'm not talking, I'm constantly thinking.
30. I am getting married in the fall to someone that I can talk to, someone I can tell anything to, someone that loves me unconditionally and laughs with me
31. I still would do anything for my brother.
32. I'm always in the middle of everything, no matter what it is.
33. I'm really into gray right now... hence the new gray walls and gray windows and gray wedding theme.
34. When I'm really angry I will keep it to myself, most of the time
35. I'm afriad of being hurt or abandoned
36. I am not so afraid of goodbyes anymore, but I am beginning to crave change at certain points and then goodbyes become necessary.
37. I don't feel like I missed out on anything growing up. There is nothing that I didn't do that I wish I would have done. I feel like I lived the last 5 years to the fullest and I got to do everything I wanted to do.
38. I have reconciled with my father, and we are the closest now that we have ever been.
39. I am still very close with my grandma, but I have seen a new side of her as I have become an adult and it's a different relationship now than it was.
40. I still have multiple bedrooms, multiple apartments, but only one home.
41. I have come back to drinking coffee, though not as much as I used to. But a few times a week, a caramel machiato tastes amazing.
42. I could site and write for hours if I had the time.
43. I only like dark chocolate.
44. My hair constantly is still changing colors; it's my way of making a change without being drastic.
45. I went from everyone thinking I was older than I was, to now people thinking I'm in college still. I guess I'm just going to go with it.
46. I miss running.
47. I love talking to my mom and I'm so happy that she is so happy right now.
48. I have a lot of ambitions and those have changed a lot over the years.
49. I love learning about history, and I wish I could just learn everything.
50. I love languages, and in the next few years, I'd love to brush up on my spanish, learn French and perhaps Arabic.
51. I still love my Keds.
52. Rasberries are still one of my favorites.
53. I don't always wear jewelry anymore, just my ring.
54. I couldn't live without my iPod or my iPhone or my Macbook - Aurora, Seraphina and Pink and soon to add to the bunch are going to be Fiona and Bella (iMac and iPad)
55. I love the city and I couldn't ever go back to living in a smaller place. I have fallen in love with Portland all over again.
56. I love old houses, but I don't ever want one.
57. I like to cook but life is so hectic that most of the time I like going out to eat more.
58. I love my height and I wouldn't change it even if I could.
59. I still have a thing for Kobe... hence my love of the number 8.
60. I have found someone that knows everything about me and love me anyway.

Even though I'm still a lot the same, I have grown up a lot and I have added to who I used to be. Stay tuned for the update on Part 2...

Make the Most

I often wonder why I do all of this, and why I go through life like I do. What if tomorrow I was different, what if I decided to change paths? What would happen to this life if I was just gone tomorrow, in another time, another place? Would it change where I am now, would it change who I am, would it change those that I love and those that love me?

I am being pulled in so many directions right now, that often times I just wonder why I go through it all. I just want to come home at the end of the day, feel like I accomplished something and sit down at my table, looking out the window and write. I miss that. I miss the solitude. I miss the quiet. I miss the words, the writing.

Words have always been a way for me to get through the next moment in time, always a way to find peace. I haven't found much peach lately and I'm being pulled down by everything around me. I haven't had a moment in so long that I felt like was my own, that I could just sit and write, that I had nothing else pressing, nothing else that needed to be done. And I need that now, I need the quiet, the motion-less moments, with absolutely nothing but words, and thoughts and prayers and the sound of my breath.

I often wonder why I don't just give up what isn't important, Why I go through it all and get so weighted down. And I think I do it because it's who I am. But I still wonder, if tomorrow I was in another time, or another place, would it change everything here, would it change who I am, who you are, would it change those that I love and those that love me? Would it be the same as it always was without me here? Or am I stuck in this moment, in this life here in this place, in this time? But while we're here, we might as well make the most of it.

Defining

I saw a film this afternoon and I haven't quite been able to get the story and the meaning behind the story out of my mind since. There were so many emotions that I connected with that I am feeling in my own life, and so many moments when I really did feel like it brought me back to moments just a few years ago in my own life, of that college experience, of being lost, of being misunderstood by family and by finding someone that changed my life, that helped me to heal, that helped me to move on, that helped me to find out who I was.

I think that there are moments in our lives that we never quite forget, and for years and years afterwards, they are still ever present in our minds, yet maybe just a little hidden from view. We might have to dig them up to feel them again, or we might have to push ourselves to get to them, but they are there all the same. And these moments are events, both large and small, both affecting millions and affecting only ourselves, and moments both joyous and torturous. They are things like seeing the planes hit the twin towers on September 11th and while I might never be able to explain exactly how I felt in that moment, I can feel it exactly when I remember it. They are moments like that first kiss, or when you know you are falling in love with someone and you will never be the same. It's moments that you remember that feeling of fighting with a parent, of feeling unloved, or of feeling betrayed. They are emotions that you may never be able to explain to anyone, or even to yourself, but they are moments all the same that you will always remember how you felt, no matter where you go, what you do or how long you hide them away.

And through all these moments in our lives, we must find a way to feel them, to experience them and then to move on. We must fill our hearts with all of these and then file them away and wake up tomorrow, knowing that we can always still find them, but that we must begin again and take the next step forward. I'll never forget how I felt that morning of September 11th, 2001 or the first moment that I knew I was falling in love with Nick, or that fight with my dad in the Summer of 2005 when I left home. There are things in our lives that affect us all, things that pull us apart and things that put us back together. It's how we handle them, how we move on, how we do all we can in the wake of them that matters. It's how we take that next step that defines us as who we are and we we can be.

In the rain... just like I left it.

Finally a moment, to sit, to think, to write. And as I sit amongst candles, music, and blankets I find myself thinking of so much. I find myself thinking back to these past few months and what they have brought and what they have taken away. And in many ways, more life changing things have occurred since December in not only my life but many of those close around me, that it's sometimes hard to take it all in. This will most likely be my last month in Portland for a while, until I return for good at least. And I find myself reminiscent and downhearted at that thought. Though I must return to that island apartment for a while, to finish out what I started there. And this time it's different, this time I'm not leaving to run away, I'm leaving to come back and I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's 5 months instead of a year. It's knowing that we are strong enough now, that we've been through worse and that when I come home, I'm finally home for good. When I come home, I am home every night in his arms, waking up every morning to see him next to me.

And sometimes I think to myself about what's going on in my life and I'm a bit amazed. In just 9 months I will be 6 days away from my wedding, in just 5 months I will be packing to come home for good, in just 3 months I will be saying goodbye to my ocean view apartment with the balcony, and so time will fly and we will be alright. This crazy life is so close within our reach finally, and finally I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I imagine that day all the time, walking down that aisle to meet you at the other end, saying those vows in front of everyone we love, hearing people toast us, and watching all those amazing people in our lives be there to show us they believe in us and to support us and all we've been through.

Life seems to never stop, and so when I get a moment like this tonight, to sit, to just breathe and to let myself just be, it brings to mind so many thoughts, so many things that I am so thankful for, so excited for. I am so ready for this next chapter in my life and when I look around at the life we've made, at what we've done, we've done pretty damn good. So as I move forward, as I embrace my last full month in this beautiful Pacific city, I will embrace every day as my last, I will smile as I see the streetcar pass, and laugh when it starts raining. I will wear all my cherished coats and wrap myself in scarves. I will cherish it all, and I will know that when I put all those winter clothes away and pack my bags to head back to the Islands, I will only be there for 5 months, and that when I return, everything I love will be waiting right here, in my apartment, in my city, in the rain just like I left it.

Vows

When it all becomes too much, when the world starts to crumble around me, I know that I'll at least always have you. When it seems I have no footing, when the motion starts to make me sick, when I can't handle it all anymore, all I do at the end of the day, as the sun is setting, is to look over at you and smile, knowing that no matter what we face, we face it together, we face it stronger and we face it in our own way. I don't need this ring, or this date in November to know that you are who I want to be with, and I never did. I don't need this apartment to remind me of the memories we have and the moments we've shared and the smiles we've had or the tears we've cried.

We've been together longer than any of our friends, and we've weathered more storms. We've made a life and we've been close and we've been apart and we've weathered the distance. And on the other side, we are ok. We made it and we are stronger, more connected, wiser. And no one of our friends can come in and tell us they know more than we do about relationships because in the end, it's been 4 and a half years, through very high ups and very low downs, through distance, through broken hearts, through losses and through gains. We've seen more than they might ever see and gone through more than they might ever go through. And we've done it with grace and we've stayed together and we've grown individually and separately. And so here tonight, as I sit on the other side of the wall from you, I wanted to tell you this. These are my vows for you, for our life together, vows that have nothing to do with a ring or a certificate or a legal document. These are my words, and coming from me, you know how important words are to me. Words are the way that I love, the way that I hurt. They are everything to me... and so here... tonight on this beautiful Portland night, I give you these vows, whole heartedly and without hesitation because I've already committed my life to you, I did that 4 1/2 years ago.

I vow:

-to always love you
-to remember where we came from and where we are going
-to hold your hand
-to remember that you are just a boy and I am just a girl that happened to fall in love
-to listen
-to hold you when life is too hard
-to consider your thoughts
-to let you be you
-to think of you every time it rains, no matter where I am
-to hold on to what we are and what we have
-to grow and change on my own and let you grow and change beside me
-to let the changes happen and hold your heart through it all
-to follow our dreams
-to kiss you everyday
-to know that life will only get harder, and the days shorter, but that as long as we're together, we'll be ok
-to think of you everyday before I go to bed and every day when I wake up
-to smile every time something small reminds me of you
-to acknowledge our flaws and work to make them better

and finally, to always cherish what we have, to try and see everything in our eyes together, and to go through life, chasing dreams and following our hearts, with you by my side, always.

Thank you for being an amazing partner for 4 1/2 incredible years... you are the love of my life.

Better

The world flies by faster and faster which each passing day, and I'm feeling the pull of the weight of all that is going on especially more lately. I am feeling myself being pulled in such separate directions, unsure of which way to go, which task to do and I am needing some space and time to just have a break, to just relax and recharge. I think sometimes we just need a moment, to sit still, to think, to start over and energize our lives. We go and go and go and don't even realize it until we hit that wall, like I am now, feeling bruised and tired and overwhelmed.

Our lives are flying by in a few blinks, and here a year later after graduating college I am at this point that I thought would take so long to get to. I want so badly to make my own way, to pave a path, to do something different than my family has done, to be my own person, to do it in the way that makes the most sense for me. And I need to remember along the way that I need to take a few minutes to calm down, to slow down and to breathe, because if I do that, I will be a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife (down the road), a better designer and a better person. So as I sit here, writing because it feels good to my soul, I will breathe and recharge and know that tomorrow I will be better.

Insignificant

The years go by and we progress through the stages of our life. Some of us become women that will change the world, others become mothers, others become women passionate about their dreams, others still become the women all around us, that perhaps don't fall into a certain category, those that are our friends, our mentors, our mothers, grandmothers and sisters. And throughout our lives, we are told to be strong, to love whole heartedly and to dream. We are not told that no one will ever live up to our expectations, or that we will have our hearts broken over and over, or that most of the things we want will never come true. And perhaps we aren't ever told those things because it's the way that we keep going, having to figure that out for ourselves.

Why do we make things so complicated? Why do we grow up believing in all the love stories, but never realizing that what we don't see is the real ending. We always see up to the point where the romance is all you see, and the movie ends. We don't see how hard the next part is, we don't see what it takes to make it continue to work. We don't see all the moments afterwards, all the things that make you want to leave, that make you want to find your own way. And it's that belief in love I think, that makes us keep going, that belief that hopefully somewhere out there, someday things will be different.

I don't know what to believe anymore, I'm not sure I believe in anything. I'm at a point in my life where I am so frustrated. I'm frustrated with who I am, and what I haven't accomplished. I'm frustrated with the purpose of my life, with my city, with the events that have happened. I used to believe in my dreams, in hopes for a fantastic future, for moments that would take my breath away, and all I feel now is that I have worked so hard to get here, and I feel unimportant, un-extraordinary. Insignificant.

Here in this Place

I am back in this newly renovated apartment, eating PF Changs and Outback take out, walking the city streets that feel so good under my feet. I am in the rain daily, and I can see the city lights from my window. I am here in this home that makes me feel whole, and with a new start, I am embarking on a new year, on new challenges and facing new obstacles. I am considering things in the near future that I never thought I would. I am offering up things that I never thought I would, but I feel at peace about it all... I feel like my dreams are within reach and that I can do what I believe so strongly in.

I hope it will all be fine, that the dreams and the prayers will come true... that all that I believe so strongly in will prevail because my heart and soul depend on it... here in this city of my dreams.

Cold

You are the coldest wind I've ever felt,
chilling to the bone, that feeling of ice,
that used to feel warm, but no more.

I used to feel that warmth, that generosity of emotion,
that feeling that I was always warm,
even when the temperature fell.

It's no coincidence that I have been constantly cold
for so long now, no coincidence that my body
is reacting to my soul.

There are moments when I wonder who you are,
and how I can love this person I see.
The irony is I can't find a way to let myself go,
I can't find my way out, or the light at the other end.

You are the cold wind that chills me to the bone,
without any hope of warmth.

You are the moments thinking of nothing but yourself,
and how can you? How can you when I give up all that I am for this?

Outstayed my Invitation

I thought by coming back here, by going on a risk, by taking a chance, by following where my heart led me that it would make you happy. I thought that by saying yes, it would mean that I was making our dreams come true, but the more that I realize, it only made my dreams come true, never yours. The happy boy that I fell in love with has turned to anger, to punching walls, to running away when I need him the most. The love I knew has changed, and the smile I fell in love with is gone from our lives.

I thought that making this our home, that by being a new version of myself was what you wanted. I thought that by being the girl that you wanted would make you happy. I thought that moments like this were behind us. I thought that we'd have figured it out by now, that no matter what happened between us, you'd find that happiness again. I thought that you were just trying to figure it out, that if I gave you time, if I showed you I am here, that I am willing to give it all up for you, everything I believe in... for you, that you'd see it and just coming running to fall back in love with me.

I thought that I had compromised, that I had given you what you wanted, at least mixed it together with what I wanted. I thought that the anger would fade, that the smile would return when I got home. I thought that it would change.

And now here we are, very possibly the last 3 weeks for me to be here before I might have to leave again. And here we are, 28 days left, 28 days left to see me everyday, to hold me, to wake up next to me, 28 days to have dinner with me, 28 days come home to me, not just an empty apartment.

And here we are, and apparently everything that I thought you wanted isn't what you want at all. Everything that I thought would make you happy again isn't even coming close; apparently I am not making you happy. And the saddest part of all, is that in the unraveling, my dreams are the ones being crushed because all I want anymore is be with you, and you seem like this is what you want, for me to leave, to not deal with it anymore, to have your life back and to do exactly what you want, when you want. It seems to me that I have outstayed my invitation and nothing I do can make you happy anymore.

The road only leads ahead

I have finally found my way home and there are moments when I look around me and just smile to myself knowing that I am home. I think that it took me so long to get to this point that now that I'm here I know it's real and that all the doubts I've always had are finally being reassured.

Someone this morning asked me if I was ready to get married, if I am sure. And I could honestly say yes, that I am sure, that I am in love and that I want to be with him. It's not the ring that tells me I love him or that I've made the right choice. It's the feeling in my heart, it's the smile on my face and it's the life I've built that I know is true. And so, as I ride the max home, I look out at beautiful Portland and smile, because no matter what life brings or where I go, I finally have somewhere to call home and someone that I love more than life. I finally have that dream and the road only leads ahead.

Follow My Heart

Sometimes I think you have to just go for something, something that you know is right, something that you know you love. Sometimes I think that you have to get past what might happen, or what might not and just go after your heart. I think that I need to follow my heart in this and follow my dreams... I need to do what will make me happy and whole and loved.

This is a decision that is hard for me, a decision that is difficult for me to take knowing that I might have to depend on someone else, knowing that I might have to give up a job, a part of me, knowing that I might very well have to give up certain things to gain others... like a husband, like a dream wedding with chandeliers and cupcakes and champagne. And I am realizing that I want that more and more and I want to be here, to be home, to be a wife, to be in love, to take the chance, to take the risk, to take that leap. To do it for myself, to follow my heart... to be at peace.

Always on My Side

Sometimes when I look back, I realize how easy everything was back when we were younger. When I was falling love, when college was my biggest challenge, when my boyfriend surprised me with little things that made the biggest difference in the world, when I could drive two hours to go home to see my family and when the days seemed endless and like they lasted forever. And it seems that those days were the years I will always remember and that's how I picture Portland always, those first walks down to Ai from my old apartment, streetcar rides with friends, riverfront parks and afternoons spent writing. Those evening runs across the bridge, and afternoon trips to UP to see my boyfriend.

And here I am, 4 years later, graduated from college almost a year, back in Portland for a bit, and learning to live a new life with my now fiance. And suddenly life is all about putting wood floors into our apartment, discussing the biggest things in life, working, supporting ourselves for the first time, learning how to be together and independent, how to not give up all of myself to have a life with him. And sitting here this morning in our apartment, in this city that will always be our city to me, I am finally realizing that no matter what we argue about, or no matter how far we go, the little things really never change over time and those are the things that mean the most in the end... it's those little things like having lunch bought for you, or Starbucks in the mornings even if you know it's coming. Or those times when you can just laugh with each other over the stupidest of things, or something that only you two understand.

So things may have changed in the last 4 years, and a new ring may be on my finger, I may be living somewhere new, but one thing has always stayed constant, the young man that I am going to marry has always been that light in my darkness and the friend that got me through. He's who I share my deepest feelings with and who truly knows who I am. And while I'm trying to figure out who I am now, and who I'm not... I know that he is the one that will stand beside me and will always be on my side.

As Bad

There are moments when I wonder if everyone else goes through all that goes through my life. And this week has been such a mix of high and low... after all I am home, finally. And content and rested and relaxed and happy. On the other hand, my family is going through a lot right now that we don't yet know a lot about and it's been weighing very heavily on my mind. And this is different, it's not just the stupid drama of boyfriends or adults that can't seem to realize they are adults, this is real, this is too close to home, this is serious.

And my prayers this week are floating toward that, and my thoughts are pulling toward it, in a way that it's always in the back of my mind. And all I can think is, what if it was me?

So I'll say a prayer and think of it and hope it's not as bad as we think.

@ the end of December....

So much is possible in two tiny days. And in two days, we can become someone new, we can change a life, we can change our own lives. We can put up a Christmas tree, and take it down. We can see family, and we can break away. We can sit on our own, and we can sit with someone we love. We can get engaged, we can wonder where life is leading us, and we can wonder if everything will work out. We can wonder where the next few months will bring us, or we can wonder about the next few years, and even after that. I have no idea where I'll be next year, if I'll be married, or in another city. I have no idea where I'll be in five years, or in ten, and that is why life is so damn interesting and terrifying all at once.

I think so much we sit back and just wait for everything to work out, and we take the phrase, "if it's meant to be," too much to heart. I very much believe that phrase, yet I also believe that we must go out there and grab the things we want. I believe very much in expecting the best from everyone, whether or not they can achieve it, it makes a person work harder and become better if we have a goal in mind. I believe in chasing dreams, in not holding yourself back, whatever that may mean individually. I believe that sometimes life isn't so much about memories, but more about moments, in which you felt a certain way, an emotion that you hold on to, of how you felt, and what you felt, and why you felt it. My life has been very much that way, it has been a collection, not of memories, but rather of emotions that I felt at certain moments. It's about knowing how to say goodbyes and yet still being able to say hellos. It's about feeling like someone has just crushed your heart, and feeling like you are flying. Life is about the emotions, that's what makes us distinct, human. Without emotions, we are nothing, we aren't living.

I had a moment on Christmas, when the boy I love more than anything in the world, the young man that stole my heart at 18, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. There was a moment, when two distinct worlds flashed before me, a world with him, and a world without, and there was no question of my answer, never any doubt. There was a moment when I knew exactly how I felt and why I felt it. And I said yes, because my emotions spoke for me, knowing exactly what my heart wants.

I have so many emotions in my mind tonight and have been for the last few days, and I think that's good, at least for me, that's how I know I am feeling, living, loving. And as I look down at this stunning ring on my finger, I can't help but to imagine everything with him, every emotion, every moment, every memory. We have built this life, and we have seen each other through everything, and I know down the road, our wedding will be beautiful, our life memorable and perhaps one day I'll look back and read this and smile, remembering exactly how I felt, and exactly why I felt it, listening to music, next to my white Christmas tree, in this apartment in our city, at the end of December.

Settle

I can't sleep and after having been deprived internet for a week, I felt a very huge pull to this blog, this 4am in the morning. I'm not exactly sure what I feel or why I feel it, and suddenly I'm so unsteady. The answers never seem easy anymore and every day, it seems that life is harder and harder, that we have to make tougher decisions than the day before, that we must fight find the right thing, even if we have no idea what that may be. I wonder sometimes when balance will return to the way I live, when I will stop trading things I think I liked for things that I'm not sure if I can like again. This six months of my life have tested me... beyond anything I have ever felt. And while it may look like I have come out on the other side unscathed, it is quite the opposite. There are scars, there are hugely open and unhealed scars, of the places that have tested me life in the last half year, and they are wounds that will take some time to heal, wounds that will always be with me a little bit from now on. I can't even begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions I have been on this year and as I look back, this has been one of the hardest years of my entire 23 years of life. All you have to do is read my back blogs starting in May and see the journey, though journey seems to have too much of a positive connotation, but rather perhaps a road of lessons is better coined.

And there tonight lays my empty apartment on the islands. With it's balcony, and tile floors. And a very large part of me misses it, a very large part of me has grown very accustomed to life there, and while the cons outweigh the pros, I was at a point where I was at peace with it all, and somehow my little apartment overlooking Kalakaua avenue took me away from it all. A big part of me is still left in Hawaii, whether I like it or not. My parents, who I have grown close to all over again, my one and only ever little convertible, my first apartment paid for on my own, my office, my jamba juice and starbux. I did build a life there, and though I hate the hot year-round and the beauocracies of Hawaii are my biggest pet peeve, I still have a part there. I did have my own little place there, however removed it might have been.

There are moments when I wonder if I am giving up the right things and if once again, am I trading it all too early? Am I making the right choice and if so, why do I feel like I'm letting so many down? I hate that I have to make the choice, I hate that I can't have the best of both worlds, but I don't think that's entirely possible. and maybe it shouldn't be. All I know is that I have a very different lifestyle than most of the people in my life, and sometimes, I feel so alone, so out of touch with most of the people in my life. Lost in the shuffle, with no one to really feel the pain with me.

And in my young life, I have endured this lonely lost-ness before, this unsurity, this moment of weakness when I don't know where to turn. It's happened numerous occasions in my young life and while I am no stranger to it, I am definitely no where used it yet and every time, I look back on the past experience and wonder how I made it through. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been different if I had had more of a conventional upbringing, or if no matter what I went through in life, this is how I would end up. How much does nature affect nurture and vice versa?

So I sit here at 5 in the morning, in the cold rainy Northwest, the place I know call home, both physically and emotionally at the moment and I can't help but hope the day will bring peace. And I think back to Hawaii, to my parents who I have so immensely enjoyed laughing with, having dinner with, just being with, to my sleeping little apartment with the balcony I've always wanted. This is going to take some getting used to, some adjusting to be back here. And while this is home, I've been so unsettled for so long, so pushed through the motions, one plane ride after another, that I'm going to have to find peace yet again, and I'm going to have to settle myself and my soul.

It's ironic that my life has turned out the way it has, because it seems that every time I get settled somewhere, something else comes up that makes me make a change and from that consequent change, come this period of resettling and of wondering if I made the right choice. It's been that way my whole life, when I moved to Portland on my own for college, when I switched schools, when I moved in with Nick and gave up my little pink apartment, when I moved to Hawaii, and now when I've "moved" back.

But life must go on, and as much as we sometimes need it to, the world will not stop for our panic. It will not wait for us to find peace in order to go on again, and so we must live and breathe and move on all at once. And while I feel so very exposed, lonely, lost, unsure, scarred, pained, and unready, I must move on to settle myself once again and find peace in my soul. Only time will tell but for now, here is yet another change, yet another move, yet another step along the way.

The Journey Home

I just woke up from the best dream I've had in so very long and suddenly, I know that everything is falling into place how it should and I know that it's right. For so long I've been toying with what is right to do, with trying to figure out in my mind if it really is right for me to move back to Portland and if I'm doing it for the right reasons, it's something that on the surface, I feel like I should do, but down deep I have been struggling with it, for many reasons.

And yet, here tonight, at 2 in the morning, as I lay here thinking about the beautiful and so very vivid dream I just had, a dream about my city, about meeting old friends, about memories of my first year there in Portland, about making new memories, about moments that slip away anywhere else but that become so very beautiful there. I dreamt of walking the park blocks, of the apartment buildings, of that feeling of just being there, of knowing that's where you fit. I dreamt of the waterfront, of my old apartment, of those pink walls, of weekends at home, of real weekends, of peace, of being settled, of walking the streets and feeling it under my feet. I dreamt of the rain, washing down and down outside, of the beauty of the spring, and the glory of the fall. I dreamt of the feeling of being loved, of waking up everyday and knowing I'm where I'm supposed to be, of adventures, of finding new places, of growing up, of the smell of the city air, of the Pearl, of driving to the coast, and dancing in the rain. I dreamt of photos, lots and lots of photos, of memories, of seeing the city grow, of weekends with family, of moments alone, to sit and look around and find peace in where I am. I dreamt of all those first memories, the first days of college, the first friends, the first loves, the first nights alone at my apartment, the first pieces of that life that I built, all on my own.

Portland is one of those places that is down deep under my skin, that fits, that feels comfortable. Its a city that is big enough to keep your distance, but that lets you run into random people on the street. It's a place that holds my heart and holds who I am. So as I start packing up my life again ... I find myself on the journey home, on the journey to where I want to be, the journey to who I need and want to be.

Struggle Along

I have sat here a hundred times, looked out over this place, over this city, if you can call Honolulu a "city," it's really more of a town that outgrew itself and never quite caught up from the rush of the 1970's when tourists flocked here, when it was such an old way of life, the real "Hawaiian" way of life. And this city, this island has never really caught up with the rest of the states, always a step behind, always struggling to catch up. And here I sit once again, looking out over the balcony of my 11th floor balcony, over the famed strip of Kalakaua, the road that winds through the famous coastline of Waikiki, and I have to laugh at myself at home I ended up here, at how my life has taken this path.

This was never a place I wanted to be, never a place that I dreamed of going to, never a place that interested me at all really. But it was a place that happened to me by happen-stance and by coincidence and by whatever is meant to happen in my life. But I am realizing more and more everyday that my life is not that of normality, or of predictability. Every stage in my life, I never would have thought I would have ended up there, and I have never been able to look ahead and predict where I'll be in 2, 5, or 10 years. And the beautiful part is that I don't really want to. And while that drives me absolutely insane to not know what is going to happen, I love it too because it makes me enjoy the ride, it makes me find out more about myself and it makes me want to find out where I'll be next.

My life might change in a few weeks, or it might not, but either way, I have posed the difficult questions and I have gotten my answers to them. I can move on, with what I want my future to be. I can move on to the next thing and know that this step in the journey happened for a reason, that this step was needed for me to move forward. And whether or not I'm back in Portland in the new year, I'm doing okay, I'm making my way through the crises, through the uncomfortable and devastating moments, through the heat, through the uncertainty and I'm okay. And while I want so much in my life right now, I want to be working back home, I want to move forward in my relationship, I want to pass my LEED tests and trudge forward with my NCIDQ, I want to save money for a trip to Europe and Morocco and I want to pay off all my credit cards. I want all of that, but I know that it might not happen right away, it might not happen when I think it will, but that's okay, because I know it will all happen eventually and if I've learned anything in my 23 years, it's that life happens on it's own schedule, on its own timeframe and we are just here along for the ride, hoping to just make the best of it while we struggle along.

Power

What is it exactly that makes people be unfaithful to those they love? How does it start exactly and what is going through their minds? It seems in the past week or so it's been a hot topic, both in the media and personally so many comments have been made about men cheating on their wives in my office, a topic that is unfortunately not rare with the men in that I work with. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's because my whole life I was fairly sheltered from that reality of the world, that I was surrounded by faithful men my whole life, but I didn't realize how rampant this is in our society, not really until this year. How can you do that, come home and pretend like it's all okay? How could you do that to someone you love, or at least loved at one time, enough to be with them, to marry them? How has our society made that so common place, so non-important?

It's been a topic on my mind a lot this week and as I think about it, it's yet another thing that I feel like is so wrong with our world. And I know a lot of people, both friends and acquaintances and colleagues that have cheated on their significant others. And some of them are just bad guys, some of them lost my respect the instant I met them, but some of them are good friends of mine, some of them are girls, some are guys, some it was just one kiss, and others it was a full on affair. And most of my friends were in situations where they really did love their significant other, but cheated anyway. Other colleagues have been cheating for years and years and act like that's just normal, that's just how life works. Either way, when you love someone, and you care about them and their well being, how could you hurt them so deeply, how could you be with someone else and then come home to your wife or girlfriend and live with yourself?

I can't imagine keeping something like that from someone I love, let alone finding out that someone I love had been keeping that from me. And I have to believe that if that happened, if I found out something like that, I would walk away right then and there. And when the truth comes out, why don't these women leave? Why do they stay for years and years in marriages when their husbands are sleeping with every girl they can find? Whey do these women condone this, to keep a marriage together or not, I don't know if that is forgivable, and even if you can forgive, can you forget? And every night when you go bed with that person, you'd be wondering if he is thinking about her. I don't know how you could get over that, how you could stay?

It seems this topic is so ordinary to some, so openly acceptable and I have found that colleagues of mine have just been so nonchalant in expressing to me how they are unfaithful to their wives, and why me? Why tell me that, why make those comments and I think the reason is this: these men that cheat, these men that are unfaithful, for whatever reason, have no respect for me, no respect for women in general, they are selfish and pompous, they are men that don't have the courage to live a life worthy of respect from others. And they sometimes they look at me like any of their other girls, sometimes I know what they are thinking and then I realize that unlike the other girls, there is a part of them that is scared of me because they know me, what I can do and what I stand for. I scare them because unlike all those other girls who give themselves up so easily, I stand for something more, I have more respect for myself not to stoop to that level and I have the power that they wish they had.