The Ride

Sometimes I sit here looking out my gray framed windows, at the pearly gray sky and the changing leaves outside, the rain falling as a fabulous backdrop to the fall, and life just makes sense. When nothing else does, the fall also brings me back to who I am, the rain makes me feel alive, and I can't imagine life any other way. When I think that there might have been another path for me, all I have to do is look at this view, and look around my beautiful little apartment and I know that I'm home, that this is where I am meant to be right now at this moment.

I think that life throws you into situations to make you stronger, and that obstacles and disagreements might make you hurt, but in that hurt, that's living. Tears and smiles, and laughter, and heartbreak, that's all part of the ride. Emotions that we feel that we shouldn't, or that make more sense than anything, it's all part of who we become and what we do.

I am approaching a huge milestone, a moment between myself and the boy I fell in love with so long ago, a moment I thought I never wanted, a moment that I thought would tear us apart and a moment I thought would change everything. Well it has, it has changed everything already, but it's not the change I thought it would be. I never was the girl that dreamt about getting married, never the girl that wanted a family of my own, or a little white house with a picket fence. I've always wanted to be me, to hold up what I think is right and to my life the way I that want to, without criticism or doubt from anyone else. I have chosen a different path and I'm no better or worse for it, but I am stronger. I am stronger for standing up for something different, but afterall, I am different. I am someone unique, as we all are, someone that follows dreams and that only wants a life that's enchanting, that allows me to stop at moments in the rain like this and smile at the beauty around me.

I never wanted to get married, but in the end, there is no reason that I can't put my own spin on traditional vows. And when it really comes down to it, tradition is something I hold dear, even while I know that parts of me are not traditional at all. But it's the contradiction, the juxtaposition that makes me myself, that makes my life my own. So why should my marriage be any different, why should I lose sight of who I am, when I can make all my own and live my life with the man that lets me live the way I want, and all the better, with him by my side through the ride.

Everything I Should Want

It's that first fall day when it's cold enough for the winter scarves instead of the summer ones. And it's days like this that I dreamt of all last year, dreaming of being home in the fall, of being back with the one person who means more to me than anyone else, being home, feeling whole, feeling at peace. So why is it that here I am, all those things come true and still I am searching for more? Why is it that when we finally get what we need, what we want, that we then need something else?

I look outside today, at the cold blue sky, no grey in sight today, and I feel the cool fall breeze through the open window beside me, and I feel changed, I feel different than I perhaps ever have. I feel calm and suddenly at ease, I feel exhausted but ready to take on the next challenge. I'm at another point in my life where I don't know what comes next. All I know is that I know who I am, I know what I believe in and I know that I won't falter when it comes to what I believe in.

What I need to know is why all the things that we used to believe in together, are suddenly different? I wish I could go back and freeze us when life was so simple, when nothing really mattered except for us. I wish that the moments could bring us back again, and that all those times that made us who we became could somehow save us now.

I've made many mistakes and I've stumbled my way through all of this. And suddenly I don't exactly know where to step next. All I know is that I don't want to be like everyone else, I don't want a simple life, I don't want to go what everyone else does, and I don't want to make myself into someone that I'm not. I hope that the person I am is good enough for you, the person that I will always be and the things that I believe in, if they can be good enough for you then support is all I ask.

Today is everything that I should want, and pulling out that box of winter scarves should be enough to turn things around...

Always Feel Their Warmth

The rain is pouring outside and the moments are fleeting toward my next journey and I find myself thinking very much about all those people that aren't in my life everyday but that have had huge parts in my life. Whether it was for a week or years, so many made such impacts on me and my life. I remember the feelings I had when I was with them, I can remember exactly how I felt sitting next to them or growing up with them. I can remember exact moments when my world felt just a little bit different in a great and marvelous way. I remember all the lessons learned, all the moments that meant so much and the way it felt exactly to just be with them.

It's funny how life works, how the tiniest decisions can have such an impact on where we go and who we are. I'm a huge believer that everything is meant to be in some way or another and I have always tried to learn what I could from everyone, from every situation because I think that we don't meet anyone by chance, we meet people and they come into our lives for specific reasons, they are there to teach us about ourselves, to make us laugh, to comfort us when needed. They are there sometimes to just talk, or to bring out something inside of us that no one else can. They are there to show us another path, to tempt us, to push us, to make us succeed.

There have been many people in my life, many more than I could count that have done some of these things for me, but just a few have actually truly touched me in a way has changed me. Just a few have made a huge mark and it's those that I remember in my dreams, those that met me at a very crucial point in my life, those that revealed feelings to me I didn't know I had and those that made a huge imprint on my heart and my soul. It's those individuals that I am thinking of today. Those that will always be remembered however far away they are, those that I might never see again but that will always be in my heart, because while no one else may see it, I will always feel their warmth and remember the moments with them.

The Chase

I find myself completely inspired again today. I have so much ahead of me, and so much that I am so proud to have, so thankful for and so many dreams yet to live. I have all those dreams revived, and all those things to look forward to once again. I'll be back overseas in just a month, two whole weeks with the love of my life, in London and Paris and seeing the world and starting our lives all over again. I know I'll make it to all those places that I want to, that someday I'll be back living somewhere else in the world, pursuing all the dreams I have, chasing all those goals and keeping true to who I am.

Life is just beginning and I can't wait until I can achieve everything that I've always wanted to, when I can look back and say that I was excited with everything, that I loved greatly and that I lived to the fullest that I could. I am looking for different things in my life than others might be, and I'm chasing a different path, but either way, I know that's what I want, and I know that's what my heart holds. I know who I am and I will always be true to myself. I'm so excited to chase the dreams, the goals and that ideas in my heart and head and I can't wait to show the world who I am, and to live different places and look out at the rain wherever I am and smile because I am living and breathing and chasing those dreams that make me live.

For a Reason

I've been thinking a lot about life lately, and it seems like the older I get, life gets even more real and the definity of life is becoming more of constant in my mind. Growing up we feel invincible, we never think about losing those that we love and those are a part of our lives, we're just so used to it, we're just so used to taking them for granted. And I've found myself gradually thinking more and more about the next chapter in my life, I turn 24 in a couple weeks and I have to realistically see that in the next decade I could lose people that are very close to me, grandparents, family members and I really don't know how I'll do it or how I'll pull through when those days come.

I'm in a different now now than I was in college, than I was as a kid. And while I'm glad for it, I also know that I grew up very naive and I think that's a reason why I feel so much like this now. I've never had to deal with a loss very close to me and I don't know if I'll ever have the strength for that. All I can do for now I guess is to appreciate the time I have, the time with those closest to me and the love that I have in my life. All I can do is to breath, pray and have faith, all I can do is dream.

While the real world may be getting more and more real as this next chapter of my life begins, I can smile knowing that I am so blessed and I will live each day knowing that and believing that we are all meant for a purpose, and every single thing, no matter how insignificant happens for a reason.

Believe in the Rain

I believe in the unexpected and in dreams coming true. I know that life is about more than just the things we do everyday, it's about chasing love and dreams and it's about making ourselves go after what we believe in, to go after who we want to be and love as deeply as we can. Life is never easy, it's never going to give us exactly what we want, unless we fight for it and believe that it can be true.

I've been a little lost lately, not truly believing in those dreams like I used to. But I think that we have to realize that those dreams aren't going to chase us, it has to be the other way around. Those dreams have to be something that we can still believe in years later, that we would go to any length to follow and to find that part of ourselves that we've been searching for for so long.

I believe in love and the unexpected. I believe that life presents things to us and I believe that we must have faith and we must have dreams. I believe in finding the magic in the moments and in following your heart. I believe in blankets and tea and cupcakes and ice cream. And that sometimes those are the only things that make me feel less lost and I believe that I might always have a little bit in me that's a little lost, searching for that little piece of myself that I feel like has always been missing. I believe in moments that change you and I believe that sometimes we can find more peace in the rain falling outside than anything else in the world.

So tonight as the rain falls down outside, I believe that I am at peace tonight, I believe that love is real and I believe that all my dreams will come true.

Pain

Here I sit, in my favorite place in the world, with the early fall air breathing in the window next to me, leaves changing outside, and yet I feel broken... not fully whole this morning, or really lately at all. Everything stings us in their own way, people disappoint, life changes, journeys end, hearts break. And here I am, left wondering why it's all worth it. There are some things that hurt us more than others, words hurt, but actions sting even more and the reasons behind those actions hurt the worst. And why is it that when we're giving someone everything, that can't give us anything in return? Not even one day, not even one night?

All those words said over the past month, just have faded away like they never happened, like nothing even transpired, like it doesn't matter, and I don't think it does to you, I really don't think it does.

I'm here so often these days, left alone and disappointed, hurt and battered by the emotions I feel. And I am being broken into little tiny pieces day after day, feeling like you have no regret at all. All those things we had are coming undone, they are unraveling so quickly and everything that always made us so happy, no longer exists. We no longer exist as the people that we thought we were, no longer the people that everyone else thinks we are. And that scares me, and it hurts me all over again because how can we sustain anything when we're trying to be something we're not?

And even now, sitting here watching the words type across the screen, I can't believe that I'm here again, in this place I swore I wouldn't do again, that I didn't ever want to go through again, so what do I do this time? Where do I go this time, because I'm becoming the person I never wanted to be and it seems that I'm the only one getting hurt.

Here comes the rain....

It's days like this when you can just feel the fall starting, there are intermittent leaves changing colors all on their own, waiting for the rest to catch up with it. The rain starts to fall and the city becomes like the clouds so close above it, weightless, clean and fresh... surrounding. This city is so beautiful in the rain and nowhere else have I ever seen that the rain just calms thousands of people, and soothes them in the most extraordinary way. This is when I feel like I'm really home, on days like this that the rain washes everything away, when I feel like I'm meant to be here, that I'm in the Northwest, that it all starts to make sense again.

This is my favorite time of year for so many reasons, the leaves changing, the rain, I can start to wear my boots again, and my scarves and my jackets. I can be cold and actually have a reason to be cold, I love the way the city feels in the fall, and the looking forward to the holidays, my birthday and the fresh start when everything feels like it's about to change... and this year it really is. The fall has always been my saving grace and perhaps why I had such a hard time without it last year. This year it will mean even more to me, being home, being back, back living and breathing in the rain, in the city.

Alive

A year ago, I never thought I'd be here, back in this beautiful rainy city, back at home, new car, new chapter, and all together, just feeling back to being me. So much has changed in a year, a lot of good and a lot of things that have challenged me. So much has shown me about life, about love, about myself and here I sit, in my home, in my city, looking out at the pouring Portland rain and I can't help but smile because I am myself again, I know who I am here, and I am building a life, a home, and I am becoming more of the person I've always wanted to be. Life is moving forward and I am finally moving with it again and I can't wait for these next few months to settle and for life to just slow down again, for the fall to begin, for the leaves to change, and for the rain to fall.

I feel most like myself when the weather starts to change, when the leaves start to change, when the rain starts to flood the beautiful cobblestone streets... this time of year is when my life comes full circle, when I feel the most alive, and when everything looks the most beautiful. Here's the start of fall, to these next few life changing months... when my heart is truly alive.

Moments to Remember

Maybe there are some things that we need to just let go of, give up all the thoughts, the moments spent analyzing and just feel, just believe, just have faith. There are moments in life that just make sense, that fall into place, that seem so meant to be, like we were meant to be there, at that exact second, for that exact memory. We go through life holding on to so many many memories, some we forget, and some we hold on to forever, grasping them so tight to never forget. And it's interesting how such memories touch us, how places touch us, how moments live on forever in our hearts. So many of my memories will always touch me, and make me remember... from that last goodbye in the desert so many years ago, to the moments that I fell in love, buying my first car, and all my first apartment and all the memories in between.

We move forward through life and often we forget about all those moments that made us, moments that shaded us and everyone around us. Sometimes we get so overwhelmed by the chaos, by the world, by life, that we forget why we are even here in the first place, and we forget to love and live and remember like we should and it's a shame, because we have so much to offer and so little time to do it.

Hope

I think there are some things that just have to happen in order for you to open your eyes, in order for you to realize that it's time to change, time to make things better, time to move forward. The last few weeks haven't been easy, or soothing or peaceful, but they have been eye-opening, and they have shown me that people can change, that relationships can grow, and that love really does come through for you when you need it. Somehow we are getting back to where we used to be, and somehow I feel a little bit like that college girl back then, a little bit like the girl that was savoring all those firsts, all those amazing moments that love showed me a new life.

I have fought a lot within myself about this next chapter in my life, and there have been tears and thoughts and journals and moments alone just wondering if marriage is really meant for me, wondering if I'm cut out to be a wife, wondering if I wanted it. And if I've learned anything these past few days, it's that it is something that I want, something that I believe in and something that I want with you, just you.

There are always going to be moments in life that get to be too much, moments where we think we can't make it anymore, but I have seen a new part of you this week, and I have seen us try to get back to where we used to be and just knowing that it's possible, that people can change if they want to, that relationships can move forward, that gives me the hope I need for this next part of our lives.

Finally There

Here I am, just one week from today I will be back home, in my own bed, in my own apartment, with my love, in my city. Just one week, which seems like it took so long coming, like this month was five, and the days seemed endless. I can't wait until this week is done, until I can be home in my bed next week, smiling because I know that I'm there for good this time, no flight back at the end of vacation, no goodbyes for a month, and from now on, life is changing, and so many new things are starting, so many new things are making my life different, moving forward, and looking ahead.

I can't wait till next week, when I can just sit back and smile, knowing that I am finally home.

Apprehension

I'm feeling so restless, so ready to go home, so ready to move on with my life and I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I've been realizing ever so much lately, that I really do want to get married, that I really do want that moment when I promise my life, that I do want to wear that white dress. I think what makes me so apprehensive is that I don't want how I live my life to have to change. I don't want us to change, I don't want marriage to pull us apart, I don't want it to be a traditional marriage or a traditional life that comes next, I want it to be just us, to make it up as we go along. I want to be able to make up my own rules, to make it how we want it to be.

I've been feeling very alone and I just miss home, I miss the comfort of my own apartment, the city I love, the friends, the family that I miss. My time here has run its course and it's a new era in my life, yet again. It's another change, but this time, going back home instead of away from it. I need the Saturday afternoon naps on the couch, watching movies at night, walks in the Pearl, gelato, oh how I miss gelato. I need the rain, the fall, the bare trees in the winter. I just can't wait for that day when I board that plane, knowing I'm done, knowing I'm home.

Ready

Sometimes I feel so alone, despite being constantly surrounded here, I'm not living my life, I'm living there's. I find myself fighting for air or for something familiar, something that I need all my own. I need to fight for what I want again and to be around people that know who I have truly become, know what my life consists of and why. I find myself being dragged down, being pushed into things that I don't want, or having things that I really wanted taken away from me for their own agendas.

I just need to get home, I just need to breathe on my own again, take a break from family and just focus on me again. I think that sometimes family just wears you down, sometimes you need to just go off on your own, find your own way away from them and their ideas. I just need some breathing room, some space. I feel so alone lately, despite the fact that I am constantly surrounded. I'm so ready to get home, so so ready.

Chasing the Path

I have felt so many emotions in the last few months, some good, some bad, some I shouldn't have felt, but did, some that I felt regardless of the consequences. Some led me to peace, some led me no where at all, but I guess that's the point of life isn't it? The journey, finding out where we are headed, and making mistakes along the way. My journey has been complicated and my feelings and emotions have been intricate and complicated and I always will be that way I think, I'm just a complicated girl, someone that is always going to need something more, someone that's always going to be pushing the bar, someone that's always going to push myself, that's always going to feel complicated emotions, some easy to understand, others a little bit more complicated.

I think that sometimes what we feel in those times that we never expected to feel them, can teach us the most important lessons, and if we had felt at some other time, we might have made a different decision, we might have crossed another path, started another journey. I find that so intriguing, that there are so many paths we can choose and so many journeys to take, so many paths to walk that at any point in our lives, we can switch, we can make new decisions, we can follow a new path, we can feel something new. That's what I want my life to be about, feeling something new, chasing the impossible, chasing the paths that I've always dreamed of.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness... we're taught growing up to forgive those who hurt us, and to move on and let it go. We're taught that's the right thing to do, no matter how hard it is. But is that really the right way to treat those that are closest to us, should we just forgive anything, no matter how many times we get hurt? What about when we're hurt over and over again, with the same thing, do we just forgive that? Over and over? How does that help anyone, how does that make people change? Shouldn't we expect more from those around us, especially those closest to us, shouldn't the bar be higher for them?

I think that we get stuck with people that are just part of our world and we forgive their transgressions just because it's easier than stepping back and saying no, that's not okay. Aren't there some things in this world, that just frankly are not ok? And are we not allowed to hold people to that, especially those that should be the best to us that they can if they really love us like they say?

I'm finding more and more that the ones closest to us just expect us to forgive and forget and move on, but what if we're holding ourselves back by doing that, what if I'm holding myself back from being loved how I should, from getting what I need and what I deserve? What if forgiveness is not helping any of us, maybe we shouldn't forgive and forget. Maybe when we get hurt by those that closest in our lives, forgiving is only letting them make the same mistake again.

Home, For Good

I need the rain, I'm craving it. I need the peace and comfort of home, I need an embrace from the one I love. I need the moments at peace, and the sound of the rain falling outside. I need the views of the city and the smell of the fall, the colors of the leaves and the change of the seasons. I need the days curled up at home with a blanket and cup of tea, I need the afternoons of doing nothing.

I need the PF Changs takeout and the evenings out to dinner. I need the conversations with friends and those beautiful early fall evenings that it's still just barely warm enough to eat outside. I need to feel whole and back in place. I need to feel the inspiration as I sit at the riverfront in the middle of the winter, I need to feel the embrace of those I love. And above all, I need to be home.

Stretch

I think that my life has turned the corners that it has in order to make me stronger, smarter and more aware. And as I look around, I really enjoy the career I have chosen, and I really enjoy my close family, however crazy we might be, however many dramas we encounter, however many stories can be told about us, I love every minute of it because I love them. I really enjoy where I am in my life right now, and I enjoy my daily life, even though I feel stretched thin most of the time. I enjoy sitting at my desk and being able to really work, to get things done and know that as I accomplish something, a project is moving forward in a good direction. I enjoy knowing that my decisions really are taken in to account, and that I am entrusted with huge projects, that I am given the responsibilities that I have been given.

Though on the other hand, I really can't wait to be home in my apartment full time, to be able to walk the streets of my city, to see the seasons change, to have lunches with friends and dinners out. I can't wait to feel settled, to feel home, to feel good again. It's going to be yet another transition in my life, another goodbye to the life I've built here, to my parents, to my colleagues, to my acquaintances. This has been a year of experiences for me that I wouldn't have gotten anywhere else and when I look back, I wouldn't take anything back or trade any moment of it. There have been extreme highs and lows, and I have found out a lot about myself, about who I am and who I'm not. I have stood up to controversy and I have stood up for myself. I have fought for what I think is right and will only continue to do so in the future. I have given myself a name and I have placed myself in a footing with men that are twice my age, sitting at the same conference table as them, giving them my advice. This change on one hand will be what I've always hoped would happen eventually, but it's also going to be giving up a lot of what I love about my job. It's going to be a lot of learning again, learning how to transition to this new life.

I feel so stretched thin as it is right now, here's hoping that this won't stretch me any thinner.

Calling

In an instant, the healing can begin. A moment as it rains outside, or an afternoon of sleeping and watching favorite shows in my apartment can turn it around, it can all begin to begin again. I feel the best I've felt today, I feel more like myself, more like my city is finally starting to pull me back. And with only a month left until I'm home for good, I can't wait for the fall, for the changes in the colored trees outside my window, for the rain to start pouring down outside, for the coats to come out and to bundle up with blankets while I sit here writing, sipping a cup of tea in the evenings.

There is so much that I feel like I've missed by not being here for the last year, so much that I never got to experience last year, so much that I miss about Oregon, about Portland especially. I have my own life here, my own space, my own heart here. And finally, it's beginning to come back, it's beginning to heal, to start anew. Finally my city is calling my name again.

Break

I think that sometimes we have to fully break to be able to start to put ourselves back together again. Maybe that's just how the circle of life works, after all you have to die to be fully reborn, and you have to stop, before you can start again. I think I hit that point yesterday, that point where everything that's tearing me apart inside, everything that's scaring me, everything that's eating at me every single day, finally had to break me, finally had to tear me fully apart inside in order for me to rebuild, in order for me to start over and take that first breath again. I am still scared, and I am still torn, but at least I can take the first steps to move on and to rebuild, to accept what is about to come and to embrace it, to learn to live with it and to learn to love again.

I need help though, I can't do it fully on my own. I need to know that the step I'm taking is real and right, and that this path is the right path for us. I need to know every single day that the little things still do matter, that love can be fragile but brilliant, that home can really be wherever you are and that life is too important to let the smallest moments slip away from us.

I need to know that no matter how far or deep I break, I will have someone to catch me, someone to hold me in the dark and help me put myself back together again.