Always

Tonight is the last night I will sit here, the last sunset that I will watch from this balcony, the last night in this little blank apartment. The last night I will see this view, the last night that I will sit here in this chair and write. I've been thinking about so much lately, so much about the next few months, about where I'll be, what I'll be doing. It seems that so much is changing, so much of who I am is changing and so much of my future is uncertain. This apartment has been my life for a year, it's seen tears, so many many tears, it's heard my cries and screams in times of pain, it's seen broken hearts and it's seen reunions. It has witnessed the transformation of me, from college student to full time designer and has been the place that I sat night after night, watching the sunsets and looking out over the ocean wishing I was somewhere else.

I have to pack up and leave tomorrow, leave this little blank apartment that was where I thought all my dreams would come true. This little apartment that seemed so meant to be, this little apartment that I have grown up in. I'll never fly over Honolulu again in my life without looking for my building on the skyline and I won't every drive down Kalakaua without looking up to see it, red teak shutters and balconies. Whenever I stand in the parking lot at Macy's at Ala Moana, I'll glance up and smile at it, knowing that this apartment changed my life in more ways than one. When I moved in here, I thought I was here for good, I thought that my life was meant to move away from Portland, that I had arrived at the dream job, in the dream city, in the dream apartment with my dream balcony. Little did I know that my dream really wasn't this at all, but a stop along the way to get to the real dream I had left back across the ocean. This apartment, as did my old apartment at Ione, will always have a special place in my heart and I will drive by and smile, and remember living here, smiling here, crying here.

I am not just packing up my things, but packing up memories, packing up moments that happened here, moments that I'll never forget, both good and bad and moments that taught me very important lessons, lessons that I wouldn't have learned anywhere else or any other way. I will never regret being here, or taking this job or having these experiences. I don't regret the hours of tears over the last year in this apartment, or the moments when I really just wanted to jump on the next plane to get out of here and sometimes when I did do that. I will never forget sitting at my desk here by the window and looking out that night last October, when I had to get out of here, when I booked that red eye ticket spur of the moment, threw some clothes in a bag and headed for the airport. Or when I sat at my little table and just sobbed on the phone. There were also moments here that were the first of my life, like the morning packing up my pink suticase to head to Korea the first time, so excited, so nervous, so ready. Or when I bought my furniture all on my own or when I'd stand on the balcony at 6 in the morning and watch the sun rise or the night that I cooked dinner for my parents.

This apartment has also been filled with very lonely nights and very long days. It has been comfort and security and it has been mine, just mine for a year. I'll never forget this view or the feeling I get from sitting here with the door open, with the evening air surrounding me. This is the moment of the day that I love Hawaii, that evening in which the sky turns a little bit pink and the clouds move a little faster across the sky. This is the moment that I lived for here, that I loved this apartment for, this moment, sitting in this chair, next to these windows and this open door. This is the moment that got me through the past year, that gave me hope. This moment every night, that felt real, that finally felt a little bit like me after a day of feeling out of place.

Hawaii has been an adventure for me, a mixed bag for sure of both amazing moments and horrible ones. But it's also been a year full of lessons, both hard and great. I will miss this apartment and I will miss sitting here, writing, feeling. I will miss feeling and knowing like it's all mine. I will miss the feeling of sitting here, with the evening breeze blowing my curtains just a little and feeling the evening brush against my skin. So goodbye to an apartment that played a huge role in my life and that I will remember always.

Embrace

I know what it means to say goodbye and it seems sometimes that my life has been full of goodbyes. I said my first goodbyes when I was a little girl and boarded those planes not knowing when I'd see all those people in my life again. Goodbyes became for me, a part of my life, a part of growing up, a part of being alive. I have been saying goodbyes, real and forever goodbyes for a long time, and even through all this year, saying goodbye to Nick every time I fly away, and it has never gotten better. But I do believe that goodbyes have a real purpose, that we must say them to grow, that being able to change, being able to be apart and grow on your own and be able to say the goodbyes, that makes us stronger.

I am a big believer in change; I am the kind of person that needs it, that craves it, that grows restless after a while of the same thing. Sometimes I think that when people don't change, when things stay exactly as they are, that that is when we lose sight of that humanity, we lose out on things that could be learned, and we miss out on who we could become. I find it sad when people won't change anything, when their lives go on exactly the same, when their beliefs never evolved, when the lives just go on for 20 years in the same way they always have. Where can you grow in that, or find out new things about the world? Where do you find those ideas about who you are, or find out that there is more to the world than just in your back yard?

I'd like to think that humanity can grow, that we can change and evolve and make ourselves and our world better. I need to believe that, I need to see that because if that's not true, then what purpose is there for us to be here, what purpose do we have as a society, a nation, a country? We are here to make ourselves better, our world better and to make a difference. And if saying goodbyes and enduring and embracing change is how we learn and grow to be able to make that happen, then I will endure it, I will embrace it.

Watch Me Fly

I've been thinking a lot lately about everything that's changing in my life and how much change has already happened this year. My life has kind of grown up for real this year and it seems like with so much happening I am finally finding out my true passions, my new goals and dreams. 2010 is going to be a year I look back and remember as being challenging and rewarding, memory making and dream fulfilling. This is the year that I will look back and say that I got engaged, got married and fully committed myself to the young man I love more than anything, my first love and my last, a boy that I went through everything with, not without challenge or obstacle but made it through, happier and healthier. This was the year that I bought my first apartment, that I owned a property and that I ran my first design projects. This is the year that I possibly started my own business, that I went off on my own and chased that dream that I never thought I'd have. This is the year I'll have gone to Paris and London with the boy I always wanted to go with.

This year I'll stand under the Eiffel Tower again after waiting so long and smile because I think that people change, and this year, I am changing day by day, getting stronger and stronger, getting smarter and wiser, and I am finding out each and every day how much I can do, how much I believe in how things should be different, how my dreams are changing right before me as I grow and how I have new goals, new dreams, new ideas I never thought I would have. I am growing up this year, making it on my own,

I will miss this place, I will miss this balcony and my view looking down upon Honolulu, but this is just one more step forward for all those things I want to accomplish. It's one more step toward the ultimate goal, one more step toward those dreams and it's a memory that I'll always keep, a memory both good and bad, a place that taught me so much, a place that taught me about how the world really is and how much we need to fight to change it. This place is not for me, but it will always have a soft spot in my heart no matter how much I want to go home, there is something about this place that taught me so much and gave me things I couldn't have gotten anywhere else.

I'm a huge believer that things happen for a reason and I see those reasons everyday here. I know I was meant to come here, that I was meant to have this experience, to work here for this exact firm, to learn what I did. I wouldn't have gotten this experience anywhere else. I've learned that the world is waiting for me, that I am just beginning to do what I know I can and that I can make a difference because I have made a difference here, however insignificant, I can see a change here, I can see a shift.

I know that the world has so much for me yet, and I know exactly who I am and what I want to do. So in this year of change, in this moment in my life where everything is converging, here I go, get ready and watch me fly.

For Good

I am lonely tonight, I am anxious and wishing I was home. This is getting so wearing, taking so much out of me, out of us. I miss everything and when I'm home, I only miss it more and want to stay. Yesterday on that plane flight home, I just wanted so badly to get off and be home, not here yet again. I am praying every day, hoping that all of this will work out how I hope, that I'll get to go home sooner, that it will all work out.

I miss the world have there, I miss the evenings just being with you, laying in bed as you hold me, listening to the rain outside. I miss cooking dinners, and making breakfasts on the weekends. I miss the moments, the laughs, the weekends running errands. I miss watching our shows and walking downtown with you. I miss the sunsets and the evenings in the pearl and gelato.

When I finally get home, I just want to experience all of that for good, enjoy the comfort of being home. I can't wait for that, for the comfort, for good.

This Hole

I wonder sometimes if all this going through my head is what other girls are feeling, what other young women are feeling. Is it just me that is hurt by comments about other girls no matter how the person meant it, or when something is truly very hurtful and no one seems to care how much or how deep it cut you. Here I am packing up my life again, here I am wondering if I'll ever be really happy, if I'll ever find that world that I want so badly to believe exists, to find that person that I want so badly to believe exists. Sometimes I wonder if this world and the people in it will ever live up to my expectations, if anything will ever fulfill what I think and believe is possible.

So much of my life has been about breaking boundaries, about a different path and in that I have experienced so much disappointment, so much let down, so much heartbreak. And yet I have hope that someday this world will find its way, that those in my life will amaze me someday and that someday, I will go for a year, or two or ten knowing I still can have hope and believe. I'm not there yet though, and I have a long way to go. And day by day, I am losing my faith, I'm losing my faith in my spirituality, in myself, in those closest to me, and in the life I always thought I believed in. I can't seem to find my way again and every time I get excited about something, every time I think I might pull myself out of this hole, someone else just pushes me back in.

Tragic

I often wonder what I'll do in the face of a great tragedy, when someone close to me is gone forever. I really don't know how I'll do it, how I'll make it. I've never really had to face that obstacle, that moment when you know you'll never see them again, or talk to them again or laugh with them again. I'd like to think that I'll be strong, that I'll make it through the other end of that grief but I don't know anything about how to do it or what I'll do.

Humans are so strong, stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Generations after generations have lost those they loved and have dealt with and it moved on. It scares me sometimes that I won't be ready for it and something will happen, that I won't know what to do or what to feel or how to move on. It scares me that I'll be lost, that life will stop and I won't know when or where to begin again.

We must all face it inevitably, though that doesn't make it any less tragic or any less dreadful, it just makes it more ironic.

Hoping

I think sometimes what we dream as we sleep are meant to give us hope. It's those dreams that show you the place you love, or being with someone you haven't spent time with in a long time that really bring you to that place in your heart and mind when you feel whole, when all the pieces fit. I'm at a point in my life where so many around me are changing, people's lives are changing so quickly and sometimes I feel like maybe we should just all slow down, maybe we should just hold off on the babies and the rushed weddings. Maybe our lives aren't supposed to go this fast, maybe we're meant to prolong the journey, maybe life isn't about the race we make it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about home, about the simplicity of just being able to be home, to just know, that there is no where else I'd rather be. My goal when I get home, is to just enjoy it, to enjoy every moment of my city, to watch the summer turn into fall moment by moment, and the fall turn into winter. I want to walk around the pearl with my love in the late evenings of summer, eating gelato and just seeing the evening turn into night. I want to eat on the sidewalks and write by the river at my spot.

I want my life, I want to hope and dream. I want to know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, I get to go home and smile, because he'll be there, and I'll be there and I'll know there is hope.

Finally Home

I understood a little Korean today as the man at Palama market spoke to his customer in his native tongue, and I felt a little like saying "kamsa hamnida" to him instead of thank you before I left. And I drove all over the island today, I spent the day with family. But still, none of it matters as much to me as being at home. I know everyone is tired of hearing me talk about wanting to be home, and I know they all think that here I am in such a good situation that I should just enjoy it while it lasts and believe me, I am. I am savoring the moments alone, and I am admiring the view every day, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be home. That doesn't mean that I can't wish I was home or look forward to being there. That doesn't mean that home is any farther away.

Sometimes you just need comfort, sometimes packing up and moving is just too exciting. And something in me craves that process, something in me is so excited for a move back home, to pick up and move, and to know that I am moving home, for good, not for a few months, not for a few weeks, but to be there to stay and while I might be on planes still, it will be different, I will always be going home, really going home.

I love knowing that I will be home soon, I love the boxes sitting in my apartment, knowing that soon they will be filled, knowing that soon I will be moving, knowing that in just a few short months, I will be home, finally home.

The Boy I love and the City that means Everything

I've sat here, a few steps away from my balcony a hundred times. I've looked out at this view for a year. And every time I've felt something different, the breeze blowing my hair around my face, and the few sprinkles of rain that scatter in to land on my skin. The lights going on one by one in the buildings around me as the darkness falls on the city; I have a hard time calling this place a city actually, it seems more like a town that outgrew itself, a town that doesn't make sense, a town split between tourist and local, a town that never quite got anything right. This place tugs at me lately, driving me crazy, because all I want to do is to be on that plane for the last time, headed home for good. It seems so much harder this time knowing there is an endpoint, because all I want is for the end point to be here, now. Everything is frustrating me, everything annoying, bothersome. And every time I have a good feeling, or if it's a beautiful morning or a lovely evening, something seems to nag at me in my head.

I dream about lying next to him, as the real rain falls outside the window. I dream of the river, of the smell of the northwest, of the green, of the gray. I dream of spending Friday nights at home, and dinners out with friends. I dream of the normalcy that I love so much, the comfort of home and not spending 10 hours every two weeks on air planes. I dream of wearing this ring, and having him wear his, of weekends just to relax and spend time together. I dream of lunches out, and eating at our favorite places. I dream of seeing the seasons change into each other and the bustle of the city. I dream of my city, my home, my love.

This place could never measure up to home, and it could never win over the place that might not have beaches or surfing or palm trees, but that has so much more. I think that those of us from the Northwest have a special place in our hearts for the place we call home, the place that is so beautiful in its own right, maybe more beautiful than anywhere else.

I know I have a lot more adventures ahead of me, but I want him by my side for all of them. A year ago, I might have wanted something different, or maybe I wasn't so sure of exactly what I wanted. But this year it is entirely different, I am entirely different. There is something inside of me that is changed, something that I know for sure now, something that I used to doubt. I want to go home, no matter what that means, job or not, I know that I can still accomplish anything I want to, and I can do it at home with the boy I love and the city that means everything.

Christmas in May

This rain is making me wish it was Christmas and so this morning I am listening to my Christmas music. Christmas is a time of year that makes me so happy, the spirit, the reason, the traditions and I can't help but look even more forward to Christmas this year because Nick and I will be married, we'll be home, in our home, all our own. We'll continue our own traditions and it will be a new beginning to our lives, finally together again. I'll get to experience the fall this year and the rain and thanksgiving being at home and I'll be there for the snow, for the beautiful gray days and for the holiday shopping. I'll be there for the christmas lights downtown and for the festivities. I may even have a Christmas party this year.

I may have 7 months to go, but I can't help but hope that time flies by because for me, this year everything seems so magical as it really is a new beginning when I get home for good. It's a new beginning for us, for me and for our lives as for so long I've been putting all this off, for so long I haven't been able to be home for all the moments, for so long I've missed the seasons and the city that makes all this so magical. So here I am, 12 weeks away from being home, maybe sooner. I guess that's not that long, I guess I can do it. I guess I can push through and while I do, I'll listen to this Christmas music that makes me feel like home and makes me feel so magical.

Recognition

I am sitting here thinking of everything that's occurred in the last 24 hours. And I can't help but feel so dissapointed, in all those around me, in those close to me. I don't think that I'm asking too much for those around me to stand up for me, for things that should be my decision, for people to be considerate, to not just change things with no consideration from the other person. I'm so tired of giving 100% and having everyone else give 50. I'm so tired of other people making me feel like I am "so lucky to have them" or that they are "giving" me so much. I am giving too, I am doing more than so many other people out there and yet things are always hung over my head.

It makes me want to just move away alone, not rely on anyone because at the end of days like this, it makes me so angry, so furious that what I do is never enough and it's never recognized at all.

Every Step

I think that there are times in our lives that we realize things that have made us who we are. We find out what we believe in and what our principles are just by making the decisions we do, just by living our lives day by day and seeing where we go. I sit here tonight, alone, on an island that has been a bittersweet place to me, knowing in my heart that I'm only here for a little while in the span of time, and then I can go home. And with an offer today, I made a huge realization and it showed me a lot of who I am, and I'm proud of who I am. No matter how much money someone offered me, I would never choose to be away from the young man I love, no matter what the offer was, nothing can ever beat the feeling of laying in his arms in the evenings, in our apartment or sitting at dinner with him. Nothing could ever make me choose that, and no matter what I'm offered in the weeks to come and no matter how people might react at the choice I make, I will always be that girl and that woman that knows what is important to me and what isn't. Nothing is better than knowing that at the end of the day I have him, that I can go home to him, that I can do anything my heart desires because he is there every step of the way.

My Paradise

I had a thought tonight, in the midst of a conversation of why I don't like it here and I realized something very important. I don't like living in Hawaii for a number of reasons, but the most important reasons aren't the slow movement or the aloha shirts or the heat. The reasons that I want to be in Oregon are because that's home, and for the first time in my life I have a home, a real place that I can call my own, a place that means something to me, that is a constant. And that home is where the love of my life is, where my best friends are, where family is. It's where my life is, it's where my life was built, where I built it. It's where I fell in love, it's where I graduated from college, it's where I had my first apartment, where I bought my first apartment. It's where Nick and I built our life together and it's where I just feel safe and whole.

I keep thinking ahead a few months when I leave here for good, and I keep thinking to myself, what will I feel? Will I feel sad for this place, that I never really loved, or will I just be so ready to leave this chapter behind? I'm so anxious to find out what's next in store for me, this feels a bit like it's just ready to be over, like it's run its course. This place has been a learning experience for me and so much has happened to me here, but when it comes down to it, there is no better feeling than curling up on the couch in my apartment in Portland, next to Nick, under a pink blanket watching our shows, and watching the rain fall outside. My mom said to me tonight, "what more could you want, this is paradise!" And I responded, "my paradise is something all together different."

My paradise is rain for days on end, trees greener than green, and gray skies in a million different shades of gray. My paradise is laying next to my love, and knowing that tomorrow we're going to be together. My paradise is just feeling real, refreshed and loved and most of all, feeling like I'm really home. And while I may be living in someone's paradise right now, my paradise is out there tonight across the ocean.

where the time goes

Why is it that when we need time to slow down, it speeds up but when all we want is for it to fly by us, it seems as if the hours of the day aren't moving. I have a feeling these next four months are going to creep by, they are going to take their time and I guess it's the universe's way of telling me to enjoy it, to just live it. But that is ever increasingly hard, and it makes time feel like it's a punishment. I have so much to do it seems, and all the time in the world to do it but for some reason I don't want to, I don't want to do it alone.

I would trade this heat for the rain in a mere moment; I would trade the skirts for the jackets, that's just who I am, that's just the girl that I enjoy being, it's where makes me feel whole, true. I've been on my own enough, and it's not that by going back there I'm not on my own, I live my own life, do my own things, but it all means something. I can't seem to put into words the feeling of being home, it's like now that I finally have found it, I never want to let it go. The seasons, the river, the bridges, the max... it feels right, it feels whole and I want that every day, every moment, every raindrop, ever max ride. It's just who I am, what I am and where I should be.

So I guess I'll just let life ride itself out and sooner than I know it I'll be home for good... I'll get to see the fall, the winter, the spring, and finally it will be next summer and I'll wonder where the year went!

For Me

There are moments when I wonder why I do this, why I sit here alone, why I am not on a plane every weekend, why I'm even here in the first place. And then all the realities and responsibilities come back to me, I have to pay my mortgage, I have to pay the bills, I have to pay for all that stuff that I have in my life, all the luxuries. And then the less material things come into view, I do this because in a way I think my parents need this, I do this so that they will be proud, so that I can say I have a job, so that I get experience in my field, so that I don't let my colleagues down. And then I do this for me a little bit, well I did this in the first place because before I could commit to anything or anyone I needed to at least feel like I could run wherever I wanted, that I could go off on my own and live my own life. And what it taught me was that that's what I was doing all along. I have been doing that my whole life, I have been standing up for who I am and following my heart and dreams all along. I just needed it to be a statement, a few months all my own, in which I could look back and know why I needed that and that I could do it.

And I sit here tonight so high above this palm tree lined city, and as I look ahead, I have 16 weeks to go, just 16, that's all and I'll be on a plane home, coming home to you. I can do that, I can make it, and not just for the financial reasons, not just for the realities and the responsibilities, I can do it for me and for you and for my family. I can do it for my job and for my office, I can do it for my experience and my career. I can do it because it's only 16 weeks out of a lifetime back home with you. So here's to starting the tally, 16 weeks and counting, that's not that long, especially when every two weeks I get to see you, that helps the tally go by faster. So I can do it, and not just for all those other reasons that come to mind, I can do this for me, I can do it for us.

missing you tonight...

I sit here alone tonight on this island, back in this apartment that I should love so much, watching planes fly across the night sky headed towards the home that I would like to be at. And as I look down at my finger, at that beautiful custom made ring, it makes me smile because I know that someone out there tonight, you are. And I'm not alone, you're with me always. This ring means so much to me and it means more and more each day that we're apart and each day that we're together. I never was the girl that her whole wedding planned out or that had been dreaming of this my whole life, and I was totally shocked when you proposed, and maybe a little fearful of what we were getting into. But now, I've realized whole heartedly, I was already committed, I was already with you and in my heart, I was already married to you, maybe not legally, but emotionally I was already there, already in that position. I knew along time ago that I would end up with you, it just took me a few swerves in different directions to realize our path, our destination.

So tonight my love, tonight and for the rest of our lives, I will always be yours, I will always have you in my thoughts and even when you aren't here beside me, you'll be with me, always. I can't wait for these months to fly by, for me to be home with you, curled up in our little apartment, living the life we love. I love you and every time I look down at this beautiful ring, I suddenly realize the meaning of it, the eternity of it, the symbolism of it. I understand the moments that it captures, the future it holds. And I want all of that with you, I want to see where I road leads and I'm so excited for the journey.

Missing you tonight...

What I'm Doing in this World

I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight and actually recently I've found myself battling a lot within myself. And in that time of reminiscing, I have realized a lot about myself, about who I have become, about the woman I am now. I am an incredibly complicated girl, someone that it might take a long time to get to know, but someone that is worth knowing. I am someone that is worth the effort, someone that is worth every second, every minute of the time that it takes to get to know someone. I have a lot of depth, and not much of that is available upon just meeting me.

I am a girl that is very proud of where I am from, and very defensive of the world I knew as a child. I have grown up in a way that is unique and different to most. That heritage, that experience as a child is a very important part of who I have become. I don't look kindly on those that would criticize or not accept that part of who I am. I also have a very broad knowledge of cultures and of countries elsewhere and I believe in the magic of language, of culture. I hope to learn as many languages as possible in my lifetimes, even if that's just snip-its of languages. As of right now, I can speak Spanish, a little Arabic, a little Korean and I'm working on my French. Languages fascinate me, the words we live our days by, in every country around the world, that's what matters to me. Words and culture and design... to me they are all one.

I am ambitious, I won't go lightly and I won't give anything less than all I have to give. My career is very important to me, and I love every single second of it. No matter what I'm doing, I love the versatility of the career I have chosen. I love that I can be drawing one day and meeting with clients the next, that I can make a space so much more than it was before, that I can transform something that no one else thought could be anything. I love having the ability to prove a point with my spaces, to change someones life, to get my ideas out there through a project and to promote what I believe to a client. My career, my field, is exactly the right fit for me and everyday I'm so glad that I chose this as a career and that I followed my heart.

My life is complicated, it always has been and it always will be - that's just me. I'm never going to be the girl that's always in one place, that never leaves, that is content to be in one place her whole life. I will always be all over the place, I will always be following my dreams and I will always be ambitious. I will always expect the most from everyone in my life, because I expect that from myself. I will always raise the bar and I will always go the extra mile, because that's who I am. I will always be complicated and emotional and independent. My greatest fear in the world is losing any of those traits, because that is at the very existence of my being, that is what defines me, and makes me believe in who I am, in where I'm going and what I'm going to do in this world.

A lot has changed... but I'm still here

A lot has changed in 5 years since I first wrote in this blog about who I was, what I wanted to be and where I was going. 5 years ago, I was just beginning my journey. I was young, naive, and unsure of where I was going. And here I am, I'm still here and I'm a little different, a little older and little wiser. Here is who I am; a lot has changed, but I'm still here, I'm still here.

So updated from the original: http://cmartpage.blogspot.com/2005/09/take-me-or-leave-me-part-1.html

Take me or leave me part 3... 2010:

1. I have found that my understanding of faith has changed, and sometimes sitting through mass is the only thing in my life that can sooth me.
2. I still need to be alone sometimes, I still need my space and I still need time to just be by myself.
3. I still love writing more than perhaps anything else, but I don't have as much time for it as I used to.
4. I don't need to live on diet coke anymore and I'm trying to kick the habit, at least cut back.
5. I found a love for Sex and the City... and whenever I need a little pick-me-up or a smile, that's where I go
6. I still love sunsets
7. I am extremely impatient, but I'm learning every day how to deal with that
8. Music still very much soothes me, all different kinds
9. I love to read when I have time, I wish I had more time to do it
10. I don't shop so much anymore, but every once in a while I will take a few hours to do it. I'm more into buying pieces that are classic, that last and that go with everything.
11. I have pretended to be things I'm not to please other people.
12. I have done things I wish I hadn't, but I've learned from all of those mistakes
13. There are memories that I find myself forgetting about, like dancing on a rooftop with a boy I barely knew.
14. I have seen more fabulous places around the world in the last 5 years, many of which I never thought I would.
15. I still consider my birthplace and childhood home in the Middle East a part of me, but it's a little less of a part of me than it used to be.
16. I can still count to 10 in Arabic, and also in French and Spanish. And I can say hello and thank you in Korean.
17. I still need to fall asleep to the TV or a movie
18. Black is no longer my favorite color, I'd have to say my favorite is pink now.
19. I still keep my nails always painted and the color will still tell you a lot about my mood.
20. I am still totally addicted to mentholatum, but not altoids anymore.
21. Little kids still drive me crazy... though I have warmed to a few in particular. Like my little nephew Preston :)
22. I don't want kids, I have come to that realization and I'm okay with it, and I'm more aware of how that comes across to people. But I think it's an important choice for everyone to make and it shouldn't be something you just do because you think you should.
23. I am much more confident in myself, in who I am and in what I can do. I'm not afraid to run with the men and to shine through.
24. I still love reading magazines, it's kind of an escape for me.
25. My aunt is no longer in my life and has hurt many people that I love very much in that process. And I have found that I no longer need her to go to when I need someone to listen.
25. I am still always cold, and increasingly so over the years. I think I have bad circulation.
26. I am constantly trying to be more open minded.
27. I miss my convertible very much.
28. I don't like talking on the phone unless it's with my grandma or my mom or Nick.
29. When I'm not talking, I'm constantly thinking.
30. I am getting married in the fall to someone that I can talk to, someone I can tell anything to, someone that loves me unconditionally and laughs with me
31. I still would do anything for my brother.
32. I'm always in the middle of everything, no matter what it is.
33. I'm really into gray right now... hence the new gray walls and gray windows and gray wedding theme.
34. When I'm really angry I will keep it to myself, most of the time
35. I'm afriad of being hurt or abandoned
36. I am not so afraid of goodbyes anymore, but I am beginning to crave change at certain points and then goodbyes become necessary.
37. I don't feel like I missed out on anything growing up. There is nothing that I didn't do that I wish I would have done. I feel like I lived the last 5 years to the fullest and I got to do everything I wanted to do.
38. I have reconciled with my father, and we are the closest now that we have ever been.
39. I am still very close with my grandma, but I have seen a new side of her as I have become an adult and it's a different relationship now than it was.
40. I still have multiple bedrooms, multiple apartments, but only one home.
41. I have come back to drinking coffee, though not as much as I used to. But a few times a week, a caramel machiato tastes amazing.
42. I could site and write for hours if I had the time.
43. I only like dark chocolate.
44. My hair constantly is still changing colors; it's my way of making a change without being drastic.
45. I went from everyone thinking I was older than I was, to now people thinking I'm in college still. I guess I'm just going to go with it.
46. I miss running.
47. I love talking to my mom and I'm so happy that she is so happy right now.
48. I have a lot of ambitions and those have changed a lot over the years.
49. I love learning about history, and I wish I could just learn everything.
50. I love languages, and in the next few years, I'd love to brush up on my spanish, learn French and perhaps Arabic.
51. I still love my Keds.
52. Rasberries are still one of my favorites.
53. I don't always wear jewelry anymore, just my ring.
54. I couldn't live without my iPod or my iPhone or my Macbook - Aurora, Seraphina and Pink and soon to add to the bunch are going to be Fiona and Bella (iMac and iPad)
55. I love the city and I couldn't ever go back to living in a smaller place. I have fallen in love with Portland all over again.
56. I love old houses, but I don't ever want one.
57. I like to cook but life is so hectic that most of the time I like going out to eat more.
58. I love my height and I wouldn't change it even if I could.
59. I still have a thing for Kobe... hence my love of the number 8.
60. I have found someone that knows everything about me and love me anyway.

Even though I'm still a lot the same, I have grown up a lot and I have added to who I used to be. Stay tuned for the update on Part 2...

Make the Most

I often wonder why I do all of this, and why I go through life like I do. What if tomorrow I was different, what if I decided to change paths? What would happen to this life if I was just gone tomorrow, in another time, another place? Would it change where I am now, would it change who I am, would it change those that I love and those that love me?

I am being pulled in so many directions right now, that often times I just wonder why I go through it all. I just want to come home at the end of the day, feel like I accomplished something and sit down at my table, looking out the window and write. I miss that. I miss the solitude. I miss the quiet. I miss the words, the writing.

Words have always been a way for me to get through the next moment in time, always a way to find peace. I haven't found much peach lately and I'm being pulled down by everything around me. I haven't had a moment in so long that I felt like was my own, that I could just sit and write, that I had nothing else pressing, nothing else that needed to be done. And I need that now, I need the quiet, the motion-less moments, with absolutely nothing but words, and thoughts and prayers and the sound of my breath.

I often wonder why I don't just give up what isn't important, Why I go through it all and get so weighted down. And I think I do it because it's who I am. But I still wonder, if tomorrow I was in another time, or another place, would it change everything here, would it change who I am, who you are, would it change those that I love and those that love me? Would it be the same as it always was without me here? Or am I stuck in this moment, in this life here in this place, in this time? But while we're here, we might as well make the most of it.

Defining

I saw a film this afternoon and I haven't quite been able to get the story and the meaning behind the story out of my mind since. There were so many emotions that I connected with that I am feeling in my own life, and so many moments when I really did feel like it brought me back to moments just a few years ago in my own life, of that college experience, of being lost, of being misunderstood by family and by finding someone that changed my life, that helped me to heal, that helped me to move on, that helped me to find out who I was.

I think that there are moments in our lives that we never quite forget, and for years and years afterwards, they are still ever present in our minds, yet maybe just a little hidden from view. We might have to dig them up to feel them again, or we might have to push ourselves to get to them, but they are there all the same. And these moments are events, both large and small, both affecting millions and affecting only ourselves, and moments both joyous and torturous. They are things like seeing the planes hit the twin towers on September 11th and while I might never be able to explain exactly how I felt in that moment, I can feel it exactly when I remember it. They are moments like that first kiss, or when you know you are falling in love with someone and you will never be the same. It's moments that you remember that feeling of fighting with a parent, of feeling unloved, or of feeling betrayed. They are emotions that you may never be able to explain to anyone, or even to yourself, but they are moments all the same that you will always remember how you felt, no matter where you go, what you do or how long you hide them away.

And through all these moments in our lives, we must find a way to feel them, to experience them and then to move on. We must fill our hearts with all of these and then file them away and wake up tomorrow, knowing that we can always still find them, but that we must begin again and take the next step forward. I'll never forget how I felt that morning of September 11th, 2001 or the first moment that I knew I was falling in love with Nick, or that fight with my dad in the Summer of 2005 when I left home. There are things in our lives that affect us all, things that pull us apart and things that put us back together. It's how we handle them, how we move on, how we do all we can in the wake of them that matters. It's how we take that next step that defines us as who we are and we we can be.