WE'LL BE BRILLIANT

In your voice, every cut upon me is healed,
in your eyes, every fear in me is dissolved,,
and in you, my whole heart is totally and completely
immensed in love and hearing you say those things,
say those words to me,
saves me and it truly meant the world,
it made me smile, laugh, know how you feel for real,
and thank you.
It honestly meant so much
and made my fears dissolve, it made my cuts heal,
and it made me love you more.

Here are a few quotes I thought were so intriguing.... had to post them.... and they are so true:

“In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.”
“Love is a gift of one's inner most soul to another so both can be whole.”
“I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you”
“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”
“Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart.”
“There is no feeling more comforting and consoling than knowing you are right next to the one you love.”
“Love is not something your heart falls into, but something that picks it up and sets it soaring.”
“You know that you are in love when the hardest thing to do is say good-bye!!”

~here is to all of you reading this that love someone and are far apart from them; to those that have loved and lost and to those that still are yet to find that love, when you find it hold on to it. love isn't something you can throw away and sometimes in the distance between two people in love, the miles seem endless... but stay strong... if it's true, it'll be okay, like I know we'll be okay, better even, we'll be brilliant....

For once...

For once I'm not worried, I''m not unsure of what will happen to us through this distance because I know our love is true, I know it's for real. And in your voice I am calmed, in your understanding I am justified. You are who I dream about, who I pretend is here beside me as I sleep and who I always want to be with. Tonight, though we are miles away, though in distance some might call us dead, we are far from that. I love you with all my heart and we'll make it, I know we will and we'll come out stronger on the other end. You are my reassurance, you are my strength when I am weak and I love how you know me better than anyone ever has. So here we are, almost three months into the best time of my life, the best 90 days I've ever lived and I am so glad that it's been all with you. For once I'm not worried, I'll wait for the time to come and worry about it then. But looking back and looking ahead, there is no one I would rather be with than you, no one in the entire world. Thank you for understanding, thank you for being you, thank you for loving me and I honestly love you more than I could ever express.

it's killing me

No one sees my tears these days, no one is here to hold me. My dad is off doing who knows what, not caring what goes on here, he's preoccupied with a different life and has no idea what is going on with me. My mom is too busy trying to pick up the slack, too busy trying to be the perfect wife. And I hope and pray that will never happen to me, that I'll never become to busy and overwhelmed trying to be the perfect wife or girlfriend that I lose myself. Because my mom has lost herself, in one form or another, she doesn't know who she is anymore. God help me if that ever happens to me. And my brother is busy on his own doing what he wants. Then here I am, alone in this foreign room, no one taking any innitiative. And while this may seem petty, and it might be, I still hate it. When I cry, no one even knows and no one even cares. No one understands anything about me anymore, they are all too busy doing what they want or need to do, or what everyone thinks they should be doing. All I know is that I can't do this for much longer and I can't be away from you for much longer either.... it's killing me.

COMING TRUE

Wouldn't you like to know what your future holds? To know what you'll do, who you'll be with, where you'll be.... and even though we can dream and wish things happen to us, who knows what will. But that won't stop me from dreaming and wishing about the future that I want. And at some point, those dreams and wishes have to end up coming true. Some of them are meant to come true from the very beginning and some of them we make true for ourselves. Life is a mystery but there are some things that I hope always stay true in my life. But I can't help but think about the mystery of it all? I'd love to know what my future holds.... and I hope some of my dreams and wishes will always be with me and come true...

~What Christmas Really Is~

Today on one of the holiest days of the Christian year, on the day when God himself became a man, and when He was born to save us all, I can't help but think of how Christmas is all about the simple things. For me, Christmas has never been this huge ordeal really, but this Christmas actually taught me something so much more important that any gift-giving ever could. All of last night, my little brother (who actually is 16 and very independent) was extrememly sick. And it hit me that he really needed me last night, he needed me to be by his side and for the first time, I was really worried about him and I had to help him, I had to be beside him. He's not really a child anymore but last night he needed someone by his side and it made me realize that Christmas is not about giving gifts and spending the whole day opening them and trying them out. It is about being there for the people you love. My only Christmas wish is that I could be with the one person I love with all my heart, but I know he is spending the day with the people that love him and that is enough for me to know that he is in good hands. But today, of all days, I think we should realize that Christmas is one of the holiest days of the Christian year and that in itself should be reason to appreciate what we have. But let's spend the day being there for those that we love, no matter how far apart the distance may be between us.

I used to be skeptical...

I used to wonder how love could approach so quickly; I was skeptical of its true power over someone's heart. I used to think love was just a feeling, nothing more. But when you fall in love it is more than that... love does not wait and when it is there, it is there. Love has no boundaries, no rules; it doesn't care who you are and what you're worth. When you fall in love there is no moment when you don't see his face and when your heart is enveloped by the thought of him. Love is missing him every single second he is away and knowing what he feels no matter how far away he might be in distance. It is to be willing to give anything for him and love is worth more than life itself. Love is that moment looking into his eyes and knowing all you want is to be beside him; when he is in your dreams and his face is in your eyes. When love is not just a feeling and when it is all you know, and when everything said or felt reminds you of him, of his words and his touch, then love has touched your heart and captured your soul. I now know how love can approach so quickly and what it feels like to not ever want it to go away.

~going into the dark with him~

when you can lay it all down,
and look down at that sheet,
portraying letters and numbers,
words and sentences that
are foreign to your eyes,
and look at the sun and feel cold,
then you will know you are breathing.
when you can share the dark,
and know that together life is not a lie,
it is a truth,
such a string between your two hearts,
a chain, a tight wire that can be walked on
and still never break.
and this is not a pretty poem,
but it is a profession of what we feel
as we live and love,
and what we do with ourselves when the world
is at our bay,
and when our eyes can no longer see
because the world is too dark around us.
but when we find that honestly
in the world around us,
and the moments when life seems all too dreamlike,
we can heal and recover.
so in this non-pretty poem about life and death,
honeslty and value,
love and loss,
we must read between the lines
and find our souls within them.
i love him with all my heart
and this poem is a profession of what i feel,
he is my heart and my soul
and he has me within his gentle fingertips.
believe me,
life is love when you love someone,
and i will always go willingly into the dark with him.

"my grown up Christmas list"

As Christmas is getting ever so close and I am growing up, I decided to make out a "grown-up Christmas list" and enclose a sort of life list that I want to accomplish. So here it is, honest and truthful, blunt and sincere... this is who I want to be and what I want to do before I die:
1. write a book and publish some of my best poetry
2. marry someone that knows everything about me, that loves me for exaclty who I am and that will always be genuine and will always care for me
3. live in Spain, Morocco or Italy for a little while
4. never stop writing
5. never stop praying
6. to always keep my heart open and not be afraid or hurt enough to have to close it off
7. to get over my fear of goodbye
8. be successful at whatever I choose to do
9. buy my Audi TT: all black/hard top
10. always find the time to be inspired by the small things and always find the time to love

maybe someday

Suddenly, and for the first time in a long while, I feel alone tonight. And even though I'm here with two girls that are pretty close with me, I've realized that we have grown up and we are different. Life is ironic that way; it changes us without us even knowing it. We grow up, choose our own paths and move away from certain things that others choose. And I can say all I want, tell her to do something, what she should really do, but ultimately it's her choice. Nobody listens to me anymore, perhaps because I don't have any idea what I'm talking about, or perhaps because no one cares and they are going to do what they want. I don't know and I don't care, she can do what she wants, ruin her life but I am doing good, I know what I'm talking about and everything is okay; I'm making good decisions. Every moment we live, is a new decision, a new path and whatever we make of it is how it will turn out... who knows... maybe someday someone will hear me.

goodbyes.... (read previous post before reading this)

If you are reading this post, please go down and read the one before this first, you have to understand where I'm coming from and how I'm feeling right now to understand the depth of this one. But right now, I'm sitting here in a foreign room but feel more at home here than I do at my parent's house. Sitting here living out of a suitcase and things all in disarray, but I don't feel scattered. I'm scared, scared to say goodbye tomorrow, scared to walk away from here again and have all those memories of this place come flooding back, I'm scared of what the distance and time will do, I'm scared of what will happen this summer, I'm scared of letting everyone down, of going from the Casey that knows exaclty what to do and how to do it, to a girl that has no idea of where she is going. I'm scared of how my relationship with my dad is progressing, I'm scared of losing him, I'm scared of making a wrong decision, and I'm scared of leaving my past behind. The more I think about it, the the more it all scares me; the more people I see again, the more I worry about them. And the more introductions that I'm a part of, the more I want to be here rather than there with my own family. There is so much I wish I could change but can't, and when will everyone see me truly as an adult and not a child, why does the financial aspect of school and life have to hang over my head like a cat batting at a treat, and when will I be able to truly make all the decisions I want, not worrying about what my parents or family will think. How is it that I seem to always end up losing, end up not having any say in what happens. The first move scarred me, the second one nearly pushed me off the cliff and now, being back here, I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to the place that my parents call "home" now... I'm scared to say goodbye again, it scares me to death. Goodbyes have done nothing but harm me in the past, they have done nothing but bring tears to my eyes and make me question myself. So please, I pray, don't let me be scared of our goodbye because I don't ever want to say goodbye to you.

maybe no body ever will

It's so hard for others to understand the feelings I have, the moments when I'm so scared for tomorrow, and when all I want to do is curl up in my closet and cry. Never in my life did I think leaving something behind would come back over and over again to haunt me, that leaving this place, this home I had would change me so much. And being here again and seeing those people that are the most important in my life, spending time with them and finding my way back around this town I loved so much, I am so scared to face the "home" my parents have now. I'm terrified of being alone in that bedroom, with no one to turn to, everyone living their lives down here and passing me by, leaving me alone to wallow in my own tears and my own insecurities. Christmas is a time when we are supposed to be inspired by time together, a time to spend with those that we love the most and those that are always there for us. And somehow, suddenly, after these two increidlbe and memorable days, I can't help but wonder how I'll feel on Christmas day. Waking up alone in a house that feels foreign, in a bed that feels empty and almost like it's never even been slept in and waking up alone to the ugliness of this city that calls itself my "home." And sure, I'll smile and thank everyone for their gifts, put a smile on my face and act like the world is all ok, but inside, I know I'll be yearning for that safety I only find in one place, for that peace that can only be found here, and for that memory of what a Christmas should be like. You can say all you want about this, call me selfish because I have everything and so many have nothing on Christmas, call me spoiled, call me a brat or a bitch, I don't care. But for once, all I want is for someone to say, "Casey, we understand your side; we see why you are so scarred from this move, we can see how this could affect you." No one gets it, no one understands how two moves like this have made me so scared of that next goodbye, so terrified to drive away and not look back. I'm scared of tomorrow when I have to leave again, when I have to drive away and think of what I'm leaving behind. Life used to be so muchs simpler, decisions easier and moments more amazing.... anymore all I want is to talk to someone and have them understand how I feel... but I'm beginning to think that no one ever will.

~An Immaculate Salvation~

Saving a life is out of the question,
saving a soul on the other hand,
is real;
saving someone's heart can save a life,
and in the way it can give back
something you never thought possible.

Saving the world might be out of the question,
but saving a life can come around in time.
In the chanting of a song,
in the tradition of a mass,
everything can be saved from time to time.

It is possible for love to save you,
it is possible for love to save a life,
or to restore it;
it is possible to save yourself,
to save a heart and a soul from destruction.

Saving yourself might never come about,
but saving someone else is a miracle,
it is a moment that can never be replaced.
Saving the world is not likely,
but helping someone love and in turn loving them,
is by far the most immaculate salvation there is.

a few truths about me

So here as I have just finished my first quarter of college, I have realized that I've changed a lot and that so many of the things I used to be or do are so different now than say from this summer. And I will admit, I was a totally different person this summer but somehow this fall and winter, I have found more of myself and been so happy! Here are a few truths about me, real truths from recent months and how I really feel....
1. I am completely in love and have given every piece of my heart to him
2. I started drinking coffee again and I do love a great Pumpkin Spice Latte
3. Nick and I drink way too much diet coke haha :-)
4. I still only really like dark chocolate
5. Though sometimes, Peaunut M&M's are amazing
6. I might complain about Norah a lot, but honestly she is a good friend, just a little rough around the edges
7. I killed a fish haha
8. The riverfront is still one of my favorite places in the world
9. I don't need alone time anymore, at least never when I'm with Nick
10. My faith has grown
11. I love sitting on my computer and drinking hot chocolate
12. Little surprises make me so happy (frosties, "is it raining?")
13. I like driving long distances; time to think
14. I love to write so, so much
15. This blog is an amazing way for me to let out all my emotion; thank you for reading it
16. I have so many dreams that I hope all come true
17. I miss MEdford a ton!
18. the only place I really feel at home anymore is at my apartment with you
19. I miss Alyssa a lot and love talking to her
20. My nails aren't black that much anymore
21. I wear a scarf and gloves all the time; i'm always cold
22. I love going to the movie with you, because I love to lay in your arms
23. I love our weekends :-) and inside jokes
24. PF Changs and The Burrito Loco are amazing!
25. no tomatoes or onions for me
26. I have found out more about myself
27. I miss running... it's too cold most of the time dang it
28. I love to read curled up by the fire
29. I am really sincerely trying to stop blaming my dad
30. I am always so happy to hear your voice or to see you.... I love you baby....

I DONT' FEEL GUILTY

How is it right to judge someone else and tell them that they are doing something morally wrong? How can some people sit up on their high horses and look down on the world like they are the only ones doing anything right. Morality is a question of merit and of belief, it's different to everyone and no one should be allowed to judge anyone's else's morality, no one should be able to say what someone else believes is wrong and in judging someone else, that person is just ruining his own morality... it doesn't say much for that person. What people do is their own business, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as you are content and happy in what is going on, as long as the intentions are good and the love is there. I don't believe that judging someone else is any answer and I don't believe that judging someone else answers any questions; first of all the people that are judging are the ones that have no idea what they are talking about in the first place. So this is all I have to say and I'm not mad or angry at all, honestly I just hate it when certain people judge others for something they know nothing about. My whole life I have been very good friends with people that have been judged for this or that.... for being a slut or for being a bitch, but you know what, if those people judging actually knew the stories behind why those girls are the way they are, perhaps they would think differently. And I myself have been judged numerous times for the car I drive or the house I lived in, or the things I had and you know what, those people didn't know me at all, they just assumed things before knowing the truth. And it is no different now, if someone judges me for the things I'm doing now and sits up on their high horse telling the world everyone else is wrong and immoral except for them, then they have no idea what morality actually is. Judging someone just because you know nothing of the situation is wrong... no matter what level it's on. And I'm not angry in the least or mad or upset, but inspired, because it makes me step back and see how I truly feel about my own morality and my own conscience... and you know what, I'm pretty damn content with my faith, with my morals and with how I'm living... sure there are things I could improve on, but I'm not ashamed of anything I'm doing and I don't feel guilty either.

Dreaming of a Magical Christmas

the world is quiet and still,
a christmas song on my mind,
and this room is chilly,
though to me it's nothing new,
for i'm always cold.

the season is here,
the advent candles lit every week,
purple, purple, then pink, then purple again,
and a ginger bread house awaits me every morning,
as I wake to make my hot cocoa
and gaze out of the window at the city before me.

and in a moment i smile,
as i realize i could want nothing more.
i have someone to love,
a faith that is strong,
a family that loves me,
a beautiful apartment overlooking an even
more gorgeous city,
and in those blessings,
i am blessed beyond all means.

so this morning as the world is quiet and still,
and i lie here in my warm bed,
a christmas song in my mind,
and my heart longing for him,
i am dreaming of a magical christmas
and thanking God for all I have.

~keep the faith~

An email from old teacher really hit me emotionally this morning, it opened up my eyes to something that I have really missed lately. He is a teacher that I considered to be an amazing mentor and a man that I have tremendous respect for and in the last line of his email, he told me to "always work hard and to keep the faith..."... and what that means is different to every person that may read it. But honestly to me, it hit me as I read that, "always keep the faith," don't leave what your heart longs for, don't give up on that faith that has gotten you through everything. For me, my faith has always been a priority, it has always been a main part of who I am and has gotten me through so much. I don't ever want to lose that faith, I want to keep it a part of me, I want to hold on to it forever... for it has carried me when I have fallen and through my darkest moments, it was my faith I could hold on to, nothing and no one else was there. So here I am sitting here, thinking so deeply about three tiny little words but somehow they hit me harder than anything has for a while. So I will never give up on that faith that has saved me from so much, that faith that has gotten me through the most trying times of my life and suddenly, I can only resort to pray that I never give it up....

....UNTIL MY VERY LAST BREATH

What happens when we're gone, what happens when our world ends, what will we leave behind? Who will I be remembered as, how will those that loved us and that we loved deal with our loss? What happens when our flame burns out? What happens to all those are counting on us to be there, to always be there? What goes through our minds in that last hour of existence, will we cry or smile, will we laugh or weep? And all I can think about as I'm writing this is, is that I used to think I would be ready to go whenever it was my time, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not ready, I don't know if I ever will be now. And here I sit next to candles burning, counting my blessings thinking of a certain girl I know, a girl who has so much going for her, but a girl who is so confused with life and so unsure with herself. And in her, I see myself a few years ago. I see my own uncertainties, I see my own flaws, and my own insecurities. She is so young, so talented, so capable of anything but her heart is hurt, her heart is young, it is unstable. And I care about her with all my heart, she is a friend who I will always be there for. And someday I hope to look at her and see her happy, see her sure of herself and ready to take on her dreams. I hope to see that look of confidence on her beautiful face and to see a heart that is not afraid of loss but certain of possession. I will always be here for her and for everyone that counts on me, I promise myself to be there till the day I die... I will always try to care, try to help, and try to be there no matter what the cost. Though I still wonder how we all will be remembered, what will my legacy be? Life is so uncertain and those we love can be torn from us at any moment, so tell those you love that you love them and I promise I will be there for everyone in my life until my very last moment and until I breathe my very last breath....

~~could they ever~~

i sit here in sweats and my hair up, layers falling down around my face, not caring where they fall, not caring how i look, how i appear... but with you i never feel a wreck. i may be alone at the moment, i may be tired at the moment, i may be in a dark/girly mood, but you are on my mind. and i wonder as i sit here and write this, will they ever have what we have? is it possible to replicate this feeling; is it the same that they feel? i have no idea, i have no clue. all i know is that you are always on my mind and a shiver runs through my body whenever i see you or hear your voice. i could not go a day without hearing your voice, i know that for sure. and baby, my heart is yours; could they ever have what we have?

blessed

someplace tonight the hills are covered in a light dusting of snow, somewhere else the dessert is cold and man is depending on the winds to die down. and here i am, lying on my warm bed in a room overlooking the gorgeous city i love next to someone i love with all my heart and i cannot even express how lucky i am, how blessed i am; what have i done to deserve all this?? so this list is a list of my blessings, a list to remind myself and everyone reading this that we are so blessed here and often times take way too much for granted.... so count your blessings because you don't know what you have until it's completely gone.

1. an incredible guy in my life who I love with all my heart; he is so amazing to me
2. a family who i love and who loves me unconditionally, no matter how hard that is to see sometimes
~my mom: who I would be lost without.... i really do miss her so much and she is such an amazing woman
~Traci: who is my shoulder to cry on and the person that always listens to me no matter what, who treats me like an equal and understands that I am still finding myself and is open to what that may end up being
~my dad: even though we struggle sometimes and our relationship needs work, i love him so much and miss our little inside jokes and stress free days laying around
~my brother: who i love to watch grow up because i know he's a good guy and always will be and i want only the best for him
~my grandma and grandpa: who are always there for me no matter what, who always care about what i'm doing and who i am and want to be a part of my life, which they are a huge part of 3. my friends who have stuck with me throughout the years as well as those who i have only really "known" recently.... i am so blessed that throughout everything i've been through, that we've been through, they have stuck with me and supported me
4. that i can write and know that maybe that writing is saying something to someone somewhere, that it means something even if that someone only happens to be me... it still clears my mind and heart
5. that my faith is stable and though i falter sometimes, i am blessed to have it and to keep it with me always
6. my apartment and my college education
7. my car and computer and ipod and all those material things that many do not have
8. my dreams because i am lucky enough to have people in my life that believe in my dreams and want to help me accomplish them
9. i am blessed to be alive
10. to be healthy and safe
11. i am blessed to have responsibility in my life because with out, who knows where i'd end up
12. to have people reading my writing right now and whether you hate it or like it or are just reading it because you feel like you should, it doesn't matter, thank you and i'm blessed to have people like you in my life in one form or another

There are so many more things that i could come up with that i am so lucky to have if i really could keep going... but thank you for all you do for me, thank you for reading this and for everyone that has touched me in life in some way or another, thank you, because without you, I would be a totally different person.

Love,
Casey

JUST A THOUGHT

When the world falls apart and the sky comes crumbling down around us, how do we really know who will be there to save us? We don't know at all who will really love us when nothing is right, when the world is dying, when all Hell is abounding. Friends we thought would come to our rescue, drift away as each new day goes by and don't care anymore of how we are or what's going on in our lives. They move on and forget all about us, changing themselves and living with new and "better" friends. And it takes us long enough finally to realize that maybe they weren't friends at all, maybe all they wanted was something in return.

I have finally realized that perhaps it's time to leave those feelings about some of the people I was closest too, perhaps it's time to put them away in the back of my mind, just as they have done to me. Never a hello anymore from them, I am ignored; never comments anymore, they are too busy to write a few encouraging words. Goodbye to them all, they are gone, lost from the bank of friends I keep in my heart. And I know that those I am closest too will stay with me for always, for that has stayed true. Those people I know I will always be able to count on will stay with me for years and years and they will be the ones that leave a short comment or a friendly hello when they see me. They are the ones I can count on for anything, they are the ones who's shoulders I can cry on and they are the ones that will see my tears. For those are very few and not many of them are still around; I have but a tiny few people that are there for me and I love them more than anything in the world. They know who they are: the few people that know the secrets I keep, the few that call me just to chat, the ones who care about how I'm doing or what's new in my life; the ones who aren't just friends by the season or when they need or want something from me... perhaps we should all appreciate those people we have like that... and realize if we are that person for our own friends..... just a thought...

*Walking Down Her Streets*

It's so intriguing how we adapt to our surroundings, how we become accustomed to taking things for granted and I guess that we never know what we have until it is completely gone. But if you look out the window and see the city that I see, if you feel the cold winter wind that I feel and breathe the air I breathe, how could you not be happy in all that there is out there? This city is such a part of me and walking down her streets feels more familiar than the house that is supposedly my "home," being up here alone is more of a peace than being down there with all of them. And somehow in these last five months, the city has held me in her arms, it has watched over me and taught me to love, it has given me everything and I feel as if I have done nothing in return. For this is my home, more so than any other place I have to call a "home" and there is nothing more beautiful than the river in the winter, the lights at night and a room lit by candles and lying next to the person you love.

like blood against skin

my lips are red, my tongue the same,
against the white of my teeth,
they stand out,
a lollipop among cotton candy,
blood against skin.

and from that mouth with lips of red,
tongue the same,
and teeth of ivory white,
come hateful words it seems like,
i guess i don't remember when i turned so mean.

but they say i made fun of it,
they say i said it was ok,
i never said any of that,
i never said i didn't care,
i never said no to any of them.

they came to me remember?
they asked me for help,
and now out of those red lips and tongue,
they say i've lost to care,
they say i've made it worse,
they say i said what i never said
and what i never meant.

i don't think it's funny,
i never have, i never will,
and they can just back away,
and think what they want,
leave me alone and let me be happy,
even though they are not.

-trying to do what they have done for centuries-

Poets have defined love for centuries; they have tried to capture what it means to love in words, tried to explain it to the naive in sentences and letters. But honestly, there is no way to describe it until you feel it in your heart. There are no words that can truly express the moment when you first know you love someone; no sentences that can be formed to truly tell them how much they mean to you. And no matter how much we tell them we love them, those three tiny words cannot even begin to express the feeling we have for them in our hearts. An anonymous quote does attempt to explain what love is, how it works, why it is the way it is: "Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning,"
And while I totally agree with this, I would say that we cannot fully understand what it means to love until we associate it with someone we truly love. I also believe that love shows itself when the moment is right and when we really need it the most, whether we know that we need it or not. Love is having to hear that person's voice as much as possible, it is thinking of them as any song comes on, willing to do anything to make them happy, to lie in their arms and know that you are in the safest place in the world. Love is lying in a dark room with that person, only lit by candles and telling them you love them with all your heart and soul, kissing them in the rain, holding their hand and kissing each finger. Love is something you can't replicate and something that no one should be allowed to judge. No one can ever know how you feel for someone other than yourself, no one can ever know why you love someone, they must accept it and trust you.
Life is all about living for the moment, but what about loving the moment. What about finding someone you can love every moment of the day, that you can think about every moment of the day even if you are not with them and loving them every single moment you have. Love is truly knowing that you would die for someone, that you would give up anything you had to make them feel better or stop hurting. Love is being able to see it in someone else, trusting that person with your whole heart, with your whole being. Love is seeing the most gorgeous girl walking down the street and having the person you love look at you and tell you "you're beautiful." Love is living in a dream, not knowing what is coming next, but hoping that the dream will continue. Love is looking to the future and dreaming even more, it is knowing that the person you love will never try to hurt you, that they will be honest with you all your life.
Love cannot be explained and poets have tried to put that feeling into words for thousands of years, and I still cannot do it here and now. Love is something you have to feel, something you have to mean, and something that you should never be ashamed of. Love is letting all your standards go and adopting new ones, love is never being embarressed or annoyed, love is always knowing that you would fight for him no matter what and knowing that he would always fight for you....

~dedicated to Nick... I love you with all my heart... happy dec. 4th :-)

~Numb~

In this city where concrete and glass form walls,
and rain is no stranger to the skies,
I am numb to any feeling other than my love for you.
Here where I light candles and walk to the riverfront,
where a pumpkin spice latte is sensational,
and lying in your arms cures any ailment that procures me,
where without your voice I am lost,
without your touch, I could not go on.
And here where I wish on the clock,
and smile just at the thought of you,
where I think of you every hour of the day,
and where I love you with my entire heart and soul.
In this city where concrete and glass form walls,
there is no greater power in this world than love.
There is nothing else that can top this feeling I have,
and I am numb to any others.
I can't feel anything from anyone other than you,
and my world is complete with only you.
I am numb to the cold winter wind when I am in your arms,
and my mind is calm when I am talking to you,
my heart is soothed by looking in your eyes.
I feel nothing else from anyone else other than you,
and I numb to any love other than yours.

*little girls are dreaming tonight*

little girls all around the world are dreaming tonight,
children are wishing for ponies and christmas presents,
sugar plum fairies and santa claus and the north pole.
parents are wondering how to afford those gifts,
which days to take off work
and when they will have time to christmas shop.
there are dreams tonight,
wishes on stars and when the time is 11:11
a moment is taken to wish that one thing that we want.
but beware, you may only tell that wish to someone you trust,
to someone that you hold dear to your heart,
because if opened up and left to lie,
it will die and never come true.

little girls are dreaming tonight,
of being swept away by that prince we all want to come and save us,
of moments when he will sweep us off our feet,
and kiss us in the rain, bring us roses and hold us through the night.
and so us girls light candles and look out at the city lights
wishing he was here with us every moment.
and we look at our orchids and roses in the window,
wear his sweatshirt and dream of his face.
we keep looking at that picture of the two of us by the river,
not truly believing that it can be real.
and although it seems like this is all a dream,
i'm so glad it's not;
i'm so glad i have him, that i'm with him, that he's with me.

little girls are dreaming tonight,
they're dreaming for what i have,
for my prince, for a guy like him to come and take them away.
how did i get so lucky?
how did i get to be the princess that finds him,
that rides away into the sunset with him on a white horse,
how did i get to live this dream?
i have no idea how it came to be,
or where the fairy tale will end,
but for now i'd relive these millions of minutes we've had over and over
until i could no more.
i would light candles and wish on stars for an eternity to hold you again,
and you are my dream, you are my fairy tale,
and it is guys like you that little girls are dreaming of everywhere...

*like the orchid*

as the candles flicker in the cold rush of the open window,
and the single red rose stands tall against the pane,
my heart is stronger because i have loved.
my heart is like the orchid that mirrors the rose,
strong and bold, white and pure,
untouched but stands with a little help,
leaves strong but innocent,
with a moment to capture itself,
and a time all of its own.

it stands strong in the cold wind capturing the world,
finding its strength when the sun sets.
it deserves more than the sun can give,
yet doesn't deserve anything at all;
just as i don't deserve the brilliance he gives,
the moments that make life all worth it,
and the tiny minutes that i can look into his eyes
and know that i want nothing else.

that orchid is stronger than the single red rose,
but equally as unsure,
and i am strong just as sure,
but i am stronger with him here, with him in my heart,
and lying in his arms.
i may be like that orchid,
but without him, i am nothing.

it's been a while...

it has been a while since i've been able to sit down and write, since words have been able to fill this page and since my mind has had the sensation of speaking my mind, expressing my fears, and capturing my very heart in those letters. and tonight, here sipping hot cocoa, in a dark room where candles burn; where music is playing in the background and i am writing, nothing could be better, nothing could fill my heart with more brilliance. and what makes it even better is looking across the room and seeing you sitting at that table sipping that same hot cocoa that soothes my soul, watching you and meeting your eyes. and right now, i don't know how there could be anything better in the world; for even though the last week has been cruel and eventful, you have pulled me through. you are always in my heart and just by meeting your eyes and exchanging a quick smile, i know that i can always trust you.

Now I Know It Will Be Alright

Today is a better day, the sun is shining through again through the gray overcast sky. The rain has let up; thank you for having faith that it would get better. Without your faith, mine was gone. Everything is going better today, perhaps my prayers are being answered, perhaps life is looking up again... at least today is a better day than I've had. Thank you for your faith... now I know it will all be alright.

lOSt

Sometimes the world makes you feel so small and insignificant; sometimes I feel lost in the swirl of life and this week I have been lost. For the first time in a long time this past week has hit me hard, and maybe it's me, maybe I was too spoiled there for a while, too happy. But lately it's been a struggle for me, lately those tears that used to be so common in my eyes have returned, and the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that there is more happiness left for me is you. You are the one who revives me just by hearing your voice, just by bringing me roses, just by understanding my hurt. I know life will get better, I know my fears will reside, but right now, bare with me for my fears are many these past few days. I'm scared to be who I am, I'm scared to tell my father how I feel, I'm scared to be alone for a month, I'm scared that I will fail and more hell will be raised. I'm so unsure lately, a feeling I haven't had for a long time. When will my world be stable again, when will I learn to live again? I know it will come, I just have to learn from these bitter days, I have to understand that good will come again, because I know it will. And if you were not here, I don't know what I would do. I don't know how I ever got on without you and when you wipe away my tears and hold me in your arms, I know for sure things will get better.... I know for sure that my fears will go away.

*with rose and love in hand*

a day of disaster and one accident passed,
moments of fear and loss of confidence,
of being scared and my heart heavy,
one day gone, the night was much better.

and after that day of bewilderment,
of me alone in the world,
you came to my rescue,
with rose and love in hand.

you saved me from this harsh world,
you carried me away and put my heart back together.
you restored my pride, my safety, my confidence,
and in one day gone, you were my knight,
loving me and holding me in your arms.

i'm sorry daddy

My heart was heavy yesterday, it still is actually... but the rain is helping to cleanse it. A question on a survey this morning made me stop and think, a question about choosing a million dollars or clearing up a past regret or something that is bothering you. And I believe that I would choose to clear up one thing in my life, to change the relationship I have with my dad. I wish I could be his little girl again and for a while I thought I had achieved that partially. I want to be the daughter he wants me to be and I realize now after the day I had yesterday (a pretty bad day really) that I wish he would be the one I could call and find comfort in, at least to be one of the two most important men in my life. I wish I could have been able to cry on his shoulder this summer, I wish I could go back and change how our lives played out, I truly do. So I'm going to try, I'm going to attempt to change the way I feel about him again, I really am. I pray everyday that something will change between me and him, that some moment, some word will change it. Maybe I have to be the one to step up and do it, maybe he's too scared, maybe he doesn't even care but I think I owe it to him to try, I think I owe it to myself. I'm sorry daddy, I wish I could change things, I wish I could call and cry on your shoulder, I wish you would understand where I'm coming from. I'm sorry and I'm going to try....

*it all makes sense tonight*

What a rush to be back with you, to be back in your arms. And once again the smiles are back on my face, how do you know me so well? You can just look at me and know what I'm feeling, you can touch me and know what I want. The smiles and the laughs are back in my life, the happiness and sincerity, the reality and the genuine thoughts of love and life, not of anger and hatred are with me once again. What a night here in the city, back with you, back into your arms, back where it is just your heart and mine. Back to the riverfront and its apartments, back to christmas lights downtown and back to night drives on the I5 with all the lights, back to diet cokes and tunafish sandwiches, back to laying next to you for hours, back to being 6 miles away instead of 206. Back to ourselves and the moments we have, back to loving you instead of hating him and without you my heart is lost. What a rush to be back with you, to be back in your arms! Nothing makes sense without you... I can breathe again, I can be happy again, I'm with you and it all makes sense tonight.

maybe it's my fault

I'm angry tonight, a mixture actually of anger and of confusion. Again he's done it, he does it everytime I'm around and now I know he's doing it to my mom as well. He has changed so much from what my father used to be, and everytime I'm home I remember so well why my summer was the way it was. And the thing is now, I feel so guilty too because I've left my mom here to deal with it all. I vow right here and now that I won't let that ever happen to me, that someday whoever I marry I will not stand by and let him ruin more lives than his own. But then when I think that I end up blaming someone else, maybe I should just blame myself and paint my nails black. Maybe this is all my fault, maybe I should go in the closet, wrap myself up in blankets, cry and give up trying to please him, trying to understand what his deal is. Right now, I'm close to that. I hate coming down here, I hate being here in this stupid town with no one, no one except my mom and brother and if they weren't here, I sure as hell never would be. I don't come down here to see him, not at all and he doesn't care about me, he cares nothing of what is going on with me, nothing about my life, nothing about what I want or what I need, he never has, at least in the past few years. All he cares about is himself; honestly I don't remember the last time he had a real conversation with me that didn't concern his stupid school or that didn't put my life down. I'm so tired of it and what's even worse than doing it himself is that he's making my brother more like him every day and I hate that. My brother deserves more than that, I hope he doesn't fall prey to him, I hope my mom doesn't break down because I know she's close to it. I know how stressful her life is here and he does nothing except drag her behind him as he goes and kisses up to everyone in his midst, he drags her along to every stupid function and then leaves her in his dust. He does it to everyone, why don't people see through his putrid shell. All I know is that yes I am bitter right now, I'm mad, I'm angry, I'm in a paint my nails black mood and yes this helps to get it out, but you know what, I won't be coming home for a while again, I can't stand it. Too many bad memories come up, too many words are said and he is too much to handle. If I didn't have you baby, I don't know what I'd do... honestly, I'm sorry for the mood I'm in, all I want to do is be in your arms right now.....

this is kind of a deep post... just beware....

I just finished reading a blog that I read everyday, a girl's thoughts locked into words and sentences and she is unhappy, she is scarred beyond all imagination. And this is a girl I barely know, a girl who seems completely lost. And as I read her incredible writing, lyrically I'm in awe at what she can say with bare words and letters. Her lyrics are fabulous and she is so talented in how she can form the words to say the things she feels, something that I feel sometimes I lack at and wish that I could do better in my own writing. But as I read her posts, as I read those carefully crafted words and letters, as those emotions on the page fill in my mind, all my own memories come back to haunt me. For she is down as deep as you can get, her trust is shot, she is not able to open her heart to love and her issues with her family stem very deep. She is lost in the same world that I was lost in, in a reality that you feel will never end. I feel for her and in her words, my own past is a nightmare that haunts me again, especially here in this unfaithful house with my father downstairs. Here in this house, in this room that is not mine, that will never be mine, I remember the feeling of feeling like this was someone's else's life, that I had no idea why I was here, why there was any point of going on at all. Everthing had been ripped away from me, my world shattered in one moment and it was him that we sacrificed everything for, so then how dare he be that way with me, how dare he disregard me as his daughter. I have had such deep anger towards him for so long and I will not lie, some of it still is rooted deep in my heart. But I will say this, as all those bad memories, all those horrible nights crying in between the sheets of this bed, come back to my mind, this world I'm in now is no comparison. Right now, at this point in my life, my nightmares have subsided and in one moment I met you, who I love with all my heart. You were what changed me from hiding in reality to flying in a dreamworld we created. And with you, my heart healed and I escaped the world that I had hated for so long, I buried a lot of the feelings of rage and hate toward my father and am trying to resolve the rest. I learned to breathe with you and right now as I sit here, waiting to hear your voice, waiting to touch your skin again, I can only think of how much I miss you and how much you mean to me. It's incredible to me how that one moment changed me, how that love I feel for you changed my entire world. And I have realized that those who are broken, like this friend who's posts are dreadfully depressing yet lyrically brilliant, can indeed learn to breathe again. They can find that true love they're looking for and they can come out of the dark to realize there is so much more out there for them in this world, whether it be in a world of reality or a world of dreams they create. So for those out there that are scarred, that are hurting, that are dead inside, know that I have been there, I have felt what you are feeling and know that it will pass. Someday you will have a moment when your world comes together and again, everything makes sense. I will pray for you and hope that it comes soon...

*closer to yours*

Lying in this room filled with ironic memories, in this bed with my "puppy" and looking at that picture of us, I find myself missing you even more. I want to be in your arms once again, I don't feel at home here. This place is but a mere house, it is not my home. It is filled with awkward memories of this ummer and pictures that are foreign to me. The walls and air are cold and in this house, the only thing that comforts me is my family around me. But even there, I find more comfort in your arms and in your embrace. Out of my heart to yours, I miss you so, so much. So all I can hope for, wait for, and look forward to is when I see you again and when my heart beats closer to yours once again....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I hope everybody has a great day with famiy and friends. Enjoy yourselves and remember to find tiny moments that inspire you.... "always find time to be inspired..."

the countdown

Sitting here listening to that song I like so much... "different" by Acceptance... I am lonely as I sit here in the dark. My heart longs for you to be here, to touch me, to hold me and it is so hard to be away from your embrace and from you when we're so far away. How can I miss you this much? It overwhelms me, for I saw you but mere hours ago but it is not the same. I miss you with all my heart and all my soul and wish you were here. I cannot fully express what this means but I dont ever want to be away from you, I want only to be in your arms, to feel the safety of your presence and to know that you are near me. I miss you already more than ever and though I know I just saw you and said goodbye mere hours ago, I can't help myself from missing you, from wanting you here with me. I miss you so much and I'll be counting down the moments until I get to see you again...

*Worth The Fight*

Life is all about recovery and finding truth again; it's the search for that love or that happiness or that success and then learning to find it again if it is lost. The lucky ones around us find that happiness and never let it go; it's something that they hold on to, that they fight for. And sometimes it is true that we have to let it go, some things aren't meant to be, but if there are true feelings in your heart, feelings you can't ignore, feelings that won't go away no matter how long you wait, then that something is worth fighting for. That crush, that love, that emotion inside of you, if it's true and real and genuine, if you know you can't live each day without her in your life, or if you know that you still want her, even after what's she's done, then you have to fight for her. Life is too short to say, "I'll do it later, I'll tell her later." Don't wait, fight now, use all you have, trust your heart and go for it. If something is worth fighting for, worth dying for, then those feelings have to be real. If you know in your heart that a fight is worth it over this, that going after her again is worth it, then do it. But if you wait, if you ponder and question, it will never happen. LIfe is all about recovery and finding truth again. So all of you reading this post... I would like one favor from you.... if you love someone tell them, if you like someone tell them, and if you are willing to fight for something or someone, fight for them with all your strength and with all your heart. So here and now, if you want someone, fight for them and if you have someone special in your life, tell them how much they mean to you... love them with all your heart and hold on to them always....

JUST LIVE

life has always been a mystery,
for thousands of years on end,
it has captured all that have lived it,
and made us question why we are here.

these days it is no different,
for we are all asking questions,
wanting answers and wishing upon stars
to find out who we are and where we'll end up.

but it is not for us to know,
it is not for us to find out the answers to those questions,
we must only look to the Heavens,
and watch as the black night rain falls down around us.

we can only watch in the distance as we see our lives opening,
but we must be on that path when it opens,
we must walk that road,
and make our footprints in the sand.

life may not always be what we want it to be,
but that doesn't mean we can't be happy,
it doesn't mean we can't smile
everytime we see the people we love.

it only means that life is meant for us all to learn from,
each moment is a moment placed within us for a reason,
and the path we choose will let us step deeper into the sand,
and find the love in each moment.

in that moment when we find who we are,
and when we find out that loving someone else
is the deepest emotion we can have,
it is then that our souls can fly and that our hearts can live.

A Few of My FAvorite Things...

I wanted to see how blessed I really am so here are a few of my favorite things, things that make me smile, that make me laugh and things and people that are the most important in my life.
1. loving you
2. writing
3. long talks with my mom
4. knowing my aunt will always be there to talk to
5. waking up next to you and smiling
6. the riverfront in the late afternoon when all i have to do is sit and write
7. the riverfront at night.... so gorgeous
8. pf changs ... beef and broccoli haha
9. hearing your voice
10. knowing my brother is a good kid, knowing that he's always there for me, and vice versa
11. finding out for the first time that everything can be perfect
12. dreaming with you of a riverfront apt.
13. random drives back and forth from here to there, trying different ways
14. being a little "wild" haha
15. just walking dowtown, holding your hand
16. taking pics in the apple store and posting on bwood
17. checking bwood every day to see what's new
18. reading an old post or poem and being amazed at myself of how i could write it...
19. looking at and taking pictures
20. peanut butter toast
21. a dark chocolate after dinner
22. running
23. tiny moments when I can just look in your eyes and know that I love you
24. laughing with you about Kahlua and "calling every half hour"
25. sitting in complete silence
26. eating at that tiny cheap mexican restaurant with you that's AMAZING
27. trusting you with all my heart
28. talking to Alyssa... without it being awkward at all
29. playing basketball
30. being with you, no matter how long, no matter where or when... just being next to you and knowing that no matter what, you'll be there and love me when i need it the most...

Love, Casey

Looking outside, the sky is blue, not a cloud in the sky. The air is chilly but perfect and crisp in this winter season and this morning I woke up next to you which made me smile the moment I opened my eyes. There are moments like that, that I would not change for anything. And right now I could not be luckier with all that I have.... my only question is how am I so blessed? But thank you baby.... everyday with you is better than the last.

Love,
Casey

"Scars"

You have a hard time trusting,
moments when you look like you're going to cry,
and days when nothing seems to go your way;
you're either high or low,
down deep in the dark valleys,
or high up in the clouds.
And I try to understand,
for I've been down before,
but I will never understand emotionally
what you went through with your friend.
Her death has shattered you,
and I can see the scars on your young heart.
No matter how far you run,
or how many times you try to hide,
those scars will only heal with time.
And no boy or moment is going to heal them,
they may help,
but you have to heal them yourself.
You have to breathe and realize that life is okay,
that not everyone is going to hurt you,
like she did when she left.
I can see your scars with my bare eyes,
and as a friend, I know you'll be okay,
I know you'll survive,
but you have to know that no earthly thing is going to heal you.
You have to heal yourself and let time do therest,
and eventually those scars will heal,
but do not be afraid to open up your heart again,
for it you keep it closed,
blocked off from the world,
from all those that care,
you will never be happy,
and she of all people,
would always want you to be happy and content in your life,
that still has so much in store for you.

A Little Piece of Heaven

My heart tells me a million things,
it whispers to me in the silence,
and guides me when I have nothing else.
For I do believe with all my heart
that there is a reason for everything;
that life is who we are,
and what we do with it is what is really meant to be.
Our feelings, our thoughts,
our beliefs, our faith leads us to what we want
and what is meant for us.
When you listen to your heart,
and can feel its beat and harmony with your soul,
you are free and in that moment
a little piece of Heaven is yours.
Must we extract a piece of our soul to love?
No, I don't think so.
However to love,
we must give ourselves away
in the most complete and brilliant gesture,
a leap of faith,
a trust far beyond that of anything.
When your heart will never lie,
and when you listen to your heart,
a little piece of Heaven is yours to share.

...to know who you are....

If you never know who you are, how can you love someone else? You must know what you want, what you need and what your passions are in order to complete someone else. And while I thought I knew all that I wanted, all that I needed, all that I loved, I was proved wrong a few short months ago. And now here in this beautiful city as the sun is rising and the blue sky is breaking through the clouds, I realize that everything I thought I was, was not me at all. And now these days, I feel more like myself than I ever have before. Suddenly all that I am is good enough, it's better than that and in myself I am content. That hole in my heart has been filled ever so completely by an incredibly special person and he knows that I have given him my whole heart. So I've learned that in order to find yourself, some times that means simply finding out who you were in the beginning before you changed for everyone else that thought you weren't good enough. And in that new found truth, life becomes something more and by filling that hole in my heart he made me realize that being who I am has always been good enough, I just haven't been able to know exaclty who I was or exaclty what I wanted.

in the black creases of night

As the dark falls around us and the sky is lit with diamonds in the black creases of night, I know there is still a moment left, a tiny fragment of a minute that is left to us. For it is silent in this brilliant world around us and in that moment, more is said within the silence than could ever be said in words. I am moved by the brilliance of the evening and the brilliance in you, and in that kind of moment, in that tiny fragment of a night, I am healed of all the scars that hold my heart captive. So as the darkness falls arounds us and the sky is lit with diamonds in the black creases of night, I know there is still a moment left, a tiny fragment of a minute left to us and left with only you in our silence, which calms and holds me tight every single moment we have....

you are my inspiration

for months my words were harsh and chilling,
describing hurt and harmful times that i endured,
and each time i wrote,
my soul only became more scarred.
my heart was losing hope,
and then one day the answer to all my prayers appeared;
and out of the blue you came,
changing me, loving me, holding onto me,
making sure i don't fall or cry.
for you say that i inspire you,
but in all honesty, in all the truth that i have in my heart,
the only reason i'm inspired to write is because of you.

you have my heart,
and in what i feel for you,
i am inspired beyond every minute of pain i endured,
and in each moment that i think of you,
my hands could write about that affection forever.
i was once a girl afraid to love,
scared to depend on someone else to love me,
and terrified to give my heart away,
but it was you, who came out of the woodwork of life,
that changed me, that showed me how to heal, how to grow.
and you are my inspiration to live, to breathe and to love;
you showed me what i needed all along,
and as i lay looking into your brilliant eyes,
i could want nothing else,
and in the honesty between us,
in all the truth inside my heart,
you are my inspiration and without you my heart does not exist.

I have learned to breathe once again.

I knew it when I could look into your eyes and never want to leave and when we could both share the dark, lying side by side. In that moment, I could not believe how blessed I was; I never want to leave your side or change what we have. And I have learned to breathe with you, I have learned to live and love and in your honesty with me, a truth deeper than any other has emerged. You stole my heart and my world and I don't want it back. I know that what we see in each other is a true and honest affection that is not superficial or feigned, but true and stable. And in this world we're in now, we're not alone; I will always be there in good times and in bad and when you need someone to talk to or when your world is falling apart. I am so blessed and pray everyday to be thankful for what I have, for you. And I have learned to breathe with you in the silence between us that often says more than any words could ever say. You have revived me and taken me to a new world that I only imagined ever existed. And they can say all they want about us, they can criticize what we have but I know I love you, you are mine and with you I have learned to breathe once again.

What You Make It

life is all about what you make it,
and if you decide not to be noticed,
no one will take a second glance.
if you choose not to remember,
your mind will forget,
and if you don't want to succeed,
you will fail.
life is a moment, a whisper in the wind,
a time to live,
and a second that guides you,
that opens up a path before you,
letting you choose your own way.
life is all about what what you make of it,
and what you choose to do.
if you don't want to be remembered,
then you won't;
if you don't put out an effort to live,
you won't live at all;
and if you choose not to open up your heart,
then you'll never be able to love,
and a life without love is not worth living at all...

knowing...

It saddens me that I can't reach out to feel your face, that I won't open my eyes tomorrow and find you next to me. I miss you already, a few mere hours since I saw you last and I can see your face in my mind, you've been on my mind since I left you earlier tonight. You amaze me every minute. You've changed me, you've stolen and captured my heart and showed me how much you care. I wish I could reach out to feel your face or wake up tomorrow with you beside me, I wish I could just look into your eyes and stare at your gorgeous face, looking into your deep, intriguing eyes and knowing that this was meant to be. I wish I could just hear your voice and hold your hand, lying next to you. I can't wait to get back to the city, to hold you once again, to lay next to you and wake up looking into your eyes, knowing that this is meant to be...

a hundred years of words...

When you think life is about something, it all changes. When you think that a moment can't get any better, it does. And when you think you can't stand anymore, when no more tears can fall from your eyes, life opens up its heart and soul before you, and leads you down a more beautiful and intricate path. It shows you that life is all about the moments we have and the words we say and the silence in between them. For in that silence, more can be said than in a lifetime of words and it is with you that I know you understand me better in the silence and more of who I am and what I want, just lying there in silence. For in that silence there is more emotion that in a hundred years of words...

My Heart is Elsewhere...

The breeze is chlly,
the air more wintery by the day,
and the clouds are constants in the sky,
as the seasons change.
The trees are bare,
and gloves are no strangers to my fingertips,
the sun shines hardly at all it seems,
for the days are short.
The grass is green and the river gray,
and it moves ever so gently,
ever so beautifully through the opening under the bridge.
The world seems to be changing right before my eyes,
right in front of me,
and it makes me surrender myself to its beauty, to its poise.
I however have no heart left to give,
for someone else has my whole heart in his hands,
and I can only sacrifice my watchful eyes to the simplicity of this magical place.
For I do not need it to hold me anymore,
I don't need the safety of this place,
for I am safe with him and to be in his arms is all I need.
The beauty of this place will always soothe me,
but I don't need its heart anymore,
I don't need it's safety or chilly embrace.
It is still my place to sit, think, write, feel and pray,
but my heart is elsewhere...

who knows...

When I look out my window today, somehow I feel a little bit homesick. It's weird and I don't know why, but for the first time in a long time, I kind of wish for life to not be so busy, to enjoy my time and not worry about what time I have to go home, when I have class, what's due and all the crap I need to get done. There comes a point where you just get tired of it and when everything is just chaos. And the only time in my week that is never rushed or chaotic is the time I spend with you, the moments we have together, the hours we spend either here or there, driving or walking around. And they are the best moments in my life, they are what keeps me going, they are what makes me look forward to each and every day. With you I never feel lost, never homesick, never chaotic, and I feel safe. My days are long without you and right now, I feel a little bit homesick but not for my home, not for anything in particular.... well maybe for my mom, I miss her lately. But who knows, I guess I have lost my touch, I can't write exactly what I feel right now... and that scares me... what is going on with me?

i'm scared

Tonight as I sat on the phone again for an hour with Alyssa, a girl who I miss so much, I realized how much she means to me, how much our relationship means to me. She has always helped me out, listened and tried to help. Though she's been through rough patches, she always finds her feet again and I applaud her for that. But talking to her, she helped me realize something. I finally see that what I've been feeling inside is not from those around me, those closest to me, it's coming from inside of myself. I'm scared, I'm apprehensive, and I'm pressuring myself without even realizing it. I've put the weight on my shoulders unwillingly and it seems that my fears have started to reside in something new. But the more I think about it, I should not be afraid, I don't need to be scared. I have no reason to be, I have you. So I will try to solve my fears, my apprehensions, my insecurities, because I know that with you it will all be alright, we'll overcome any obstacles in our way, holding your hand the whole way through.

I Can't Imagine....

There is no moment like a moment with you,
no day like a day that I spend with you,
and no memory is the same without you.
Thank you for your trust,
I asure it is not misplaced, not now, not ever,
and you have my whole heart.
Every day is a new day,
but each morning as I wake I can't wait to see you,
I can't wait to be near you and in your arms.
I can't imagine not being with you,
and nothing anyone can say will take me away from you.

pf changs and "what's her name"

Laying with you today, looking back on all those past posts, all those hints and hopes that I wrote into words, hoping and praying that you'd read them for what they were, I could not help but smile in my heart as we read them together. I wanted you to be a part of my life that first night I met you and from then on, each moment I got the chance to be with you, I was there. From "not sitting in the front seat" to the seats we chose at pizza that night, being dissapointed when you left that first night to that comment on here that baffled me all day long. I'm so glad we both had the strength to see it through because I could not want anything more. I love our inside jokes, how we gang up on people and stand up for each other, how you always make sure I'm warm and never cold, even to have the heater on when you're burning up. I love knowing that you'll call, never having to worry that I won't hear from you at some point, how you need a "warm up" to do your homework and how you tell me everything. I love how I can spend days on end with you and still not want you to go at the end of the weekend, how a day when I don't see you seems like forever and how our "breakfasts" have a whole different meaning to us than to everyone else. I love our jokes about "what's her name" and how we like dream of PF changs, how you made me soup and brought me chocolate and watched over me all weekend. Thank you for being so brilliant, captivating, fabulous and all the other words we've thought up but always forget. You mean the world to me and take my breath away every time. I miss you minutes after you leave and think about you all the time, thanks baby... haha.

All Night

All night you were beside me, you took care of me when I needed you. You answered my every wish, anything I needed you got for me, you took care of me and watched over me last night. Thank you, it meant the world, you are amazing.

it makes it all worth it

This morning I was lost in the rain, in an overwhelming flood of water falling from the Heavens above. And soaked to my skin with water, covered in drops from the clouds, I was cold, ever so cold and freezing. I could see my breath as I breathed and the rain just continued to flow, to fall from that ever open hole where it started. And standing there in the cold wind and rain I suddenly thought of you, heard your voice and all became better. So while my morning was cold, wet and overbearing, I still have you which makes it all worth the rain in my life.

in between worlds

I just finished reading a poem by a girl I used to know, a poem that lyrically was gorgeous, that had so much meaning in the words, in the letters, in the construction of the stanzas... it was brilliant. But when you understand what it means, what it is conveying, it's drastic, depressing, and totally heart breaking. This is a girl I know that is unhappy with herself, with life and her writing is not happy, bubbly, or enjoyable to read, but that's what's so beautiful about it: about her writing and writing just in general. To convey that emotion in words, to show how she's feeling or how I'm feeling at that moment, is the ultimate and timely beauty in constructing a piece of writing. And of course, you can always look at something lyrically and find hidden meanings and amazing structure in how the words fit together, the sounds they make and the verses that are formed, but it is in the emotion that is displayed that is the absolute most beautiful part of literature, poetry and prose. When you can find a meaning in my writing, or in anyone's for that matter, it is the most sincere, romantic, and poetic form of writing and those words on that page seem to make sense in your own context. They live and breath, those words create a life, a moment in between reality and a dream world, and it is in that moment between worlds, that life makes the most sense...

written in my favorite place in the world....

The wind is blowing a bit colder these days,
the trees are bare,
and a scarf is a constant around my neck.
My figers are cold as I move this scented pen across the paper,
and my feet are chilly as they hang loosely below the bench.
Though inside me,
I can't help but smile,
as the beautiful city opens up before me,
and my hair blows in the chilly autumn breeze.
The city is gorgeous,
a place that comforts me,
a place that holds me.
Here is where I first cared,
where my heart was given fully to someone else,
and where my soul first flew on its own.
Here I found myself,
here I found my heart,
and gave it away.

When All My Dreams Come True

There are moments when there are no words to express how we feel;
out of the thousands there is not one that fits.
Sometimes all we can do is close our eyes,
and imagine this is not a dream.
It's a moment that conquers over fear,
that motivates us toward all that we want and need.
There are moments that feel like a dream,
that we cannot even begin to express.
In times that mean the world,
and in times when all you want is to be near him.
There are moments when the world is floating on a cloud,
and when all my dreams come true.

that picture beside my bed...

A million things can happen in a month: lives can change, moments can last and tears can stop falling. A month ago I was searching, asking questions that I wanted you to answer... what is this in my heart? Someone ask me, someone tell me. But those questions have all been answered, I am not searching or lost anymore, I am found and steady. A month has changed my life, it has changed my fears into beliefs, my insecurities into elegance, and my tears into a smile as I wake up each day and look at that picture next to my bed. Thank you for this month... for the diet cokes, the walks in the rain, nicknames and conversations deep into the mornings, for random pictures and orchids, for little inside jokes and whole days together, for pf changs leftovers and tuna fish sandwiches and peanut butter toast, for walking in puddles for me and driving my car in the rain, for icards and simple little texts that mean the world, for "trying something new" to brilliance, and for the safety that I find in your arms, the moments in your eyes, and the fabulous movie nights together(haha). A million things can happen in a month: lives have changed, moments have lasted and tears have stopped falling from my blue eyes. Nothing is left but the smile on my face as I wake up and glance at that picture beside my bed.....

bad morning

I hate the rain today and I hate hating the rain!!! bad morning.............................

you have to believe

while lying in the dark,
there shines an everlasting light up above,
a star that is guiding my life,
that is showing me where to go.
i'm glad it's guiding me where i am right now,
it's perfect on my path at the moment,
thank the Lord for that.
and i've learned by this path i'm on,
that no matter how far you are in the tunnel,
when you can't see light anymore out of either end,
you have to have faith that it will work out.
you have to know and believe that you'll find the light,
and that it will all work out,
just like it did for me.

She Needs Her Own Life

Does anybody hear me when I scream? I am growing up, can't she see that? She needs her own life, she needs something that she's passionate about. Instead of living through him, instead of living through me. Does anybody hear her except me? She's struggling, she's unsure, she's someone I love but I can see how she's living in the past, she's hurting inside but will not admit it. She nees her own life, she needs to move on from that past, from those years of hell that are hindering her. Move on my dear aunt, move on....

I Know Why

I am inspired by so much these days, so much is opening up my eyes to the glorious world around me. The stars are shining brighter through the clouds than perhaps they ever have, the breeze is sweeter in this brilliant time of year, and the trees are lined with lights. I can't wait for Christmas, to walk downtown as the lights guide our way, and as the rain pours down upon us. This time of year is so inspiring, and this year it's even better than the last. My heart is opening, farther than it has perhaps ever opened, and I know why. I know why life is so glorious and why the world is suddenly an inspiration in itself.

Ever Again

For a moment, I could not stand not to look at you,
I hated being mad at you,
and I longed to feel you next to me.
I hate how I made you feel,
I missed how we usually are,
I'm sorry for being upset,
I could not stand that moment,
and I don't want it to be like that ever again.

..... i'm sorry and thank you ....

this dreamworld we have created

my dreams are once again a part of my heart, things that i know i'll do, that i want to share with you. this morning as i sit here looking out my window at the brilliant city, at the trees changing colors and at the sky, half clouds, half clear, there is so much for me to do in my life, in this world. i once again am not afraid to accomplish my dreams, to chase them, to go after them with all my heart and soul. there are moments when i feel like i am living a dream right now, when everything seems too perfect to be real. though i would rather live as if in a dream, rather than to have no dreams at all, living only in a reality that feels wrong. dreams are so essential to our hearts, and now i have found mine again. so i will keep on living, breathing, in this dreamworld we have created because if it wasn't as real as it is, it would just be a simple reality.

To my incredible dad... who is once again a great part of my life....

Trust Me....

The lamp light beside me is slowly fading,
but I don't need that light to guide my way,
I don't need a guide to show me where to go,
but I do need your trust,
your willingness to know that I will do the right thing.
You can trust me,
you have raised me well,
all your values are similar to mine,
all our morals close to the same.
There is no need to worry about me,
your little girl is safe,
she is in good hands, he'll be good to me,
I promise.
Don't worry, I'll always love you,
and trust you with all my heart,
I just need you to trust me,
like I trust you,
and I know you will.

WOW

you know, all i can say right now at 12 46 in the morning is......... WOW! Life could not be more brilliant...

...nothing quite like that run by the river....

There's nothing quite like a run by the river, the serenity, the peace, the simplicity. With the wind blowing against my face, my feet hitting the pavement and my eyes wandering toward the brilliant river flowing right beside me. With a cold rush of a breeze and a sprinkle of rain, that run becomes magical, beautiful, and in its simplest form it is more gorgeous than any movement could ever be. For that hour, I do not worry about what has to be done, I'm not fearful of how busy the day might be; I find myself again in those runs, listening to that music that inspires me and nothing but me and the path. I know exaclty who I am in that moment and it soothes every inch of me, that run is something that calms me, that lets me search inside myself, and that shows me how wonderful life is right now. The beauty in that place, in that movement, in that hour of my day, shows me that life is perfect at the moment and I could want nothing more.

a part of me

Who knew this city would become such a part of me, who knew I'd adjust this well? For all that fear and apprehension is gone, I feel like the city has become a part of me that will always be there, the beautiful lights, the waterfront, the gorgeous colors of the trees, the brilliant leaves falling all around me. This city has become a place that has given everything to me, how could I not love it? My life is perfect here, I have everything I've always dreamed of having. I have someone who cares, brilliant friends, family not too far away, a place that I can escape the chaos and just write, moments every day where this city just leaves me in awe at it's brilliance. This city has given me everything and more yet how can I repay her? I have become a part of it, the brilliance and the serenity of the city, it is a part of me these days and I often just look out my window, smile and think to myself, what more could I ever need in life?

*Inside Our Souls*

It is in strength that we find our weaknesses and in our losses that we find hope. Life takes things from us, some lose more than others but in the end isn't it nice to know that those that love us will come to our aid no matter what that may end up being? And petty things make us selfish, but really in the big scope of things we need only those closest to us to survive and only our strength and perserverance and faith to keep us going, to keep us living. Life will always put obstacles in our way, it is how we handle those obstacles that shows who we are, how we view the world and treat those around us, it shows our true character and who we truly are inside our souls.

*Tonight*

Tonight my world begins again, tonight the storm clouds cease to exist and the stormy seas will calm the world. Tonight all is right again and my dreams become real once again. My heart will leap and my soul will be soothed, I will never be cold again. Tonight all my hope is restored and my prayers are answered. Tonight my world begins again, my trust more whole than ever before and my reality entering a dream world as tonight moves closer. This is a dream, it's our dream. And tonight my world begins again, tonight the storm clouds cease to exist and the stormy seas will calm the world for tonight is perfect, because tonight, you return to me.

More Perfect Than a Dream

There are moments when I know my journey is already begun, times when I know I'm really living the life I'm supposed to live. And that journey is my guide, my road towards that place I'm supposed to be someday. There are moments when I don't know how I could be any happier, there are times when I don't know how life could be any better. Every day I wake up and go to bed smiling, it's like a dream, a reality that never ends and that keeps getting better each and every day that I live it. This life we're living is like a dream, it's like we've entered the gates of Heaven, living and breathing together still. I know this journey is just beginning, but I can feel it in my heart and in my soul that this is real, that this is where we are supposed to be. Something deeper belongs to us, something cherished and holy, unlike those other feelings of others. We have a deeper bond, a stronger connection than perhaps anyone else could ever have. There are moments when I can't remember ever feeling like this and there are times when I know my journey has already begun, when I know that I'm living right where I'm supposed to be. We are living a dream and capturing a reality that is even more perfect than a dream.

Where Our Souls Can Rest

As the clouds move across the sky,

And the sun is setting over the hills behind me,

I sit in my favorite spot in the world.

Here with the river in front of me,

And the sun at my back,

The sounds surround me and pull me in.

I am completely calm,

Completely tranquil in this moment.

This bench, these trees, this moment

Are engrained in my memory, in my soul,

And I can always come here to find comfort,

My soul will always be comforted here,

My sins absolved,

And my heart put back together.

Into the sky; the birds soar and the clouds

Move off into the distance,

And in a single instance,

Everything I see becomes something more,

It exists beyond this world and becomes a moment

Of the utmost sincerity,

Covered in truth,

Covered in reflection of a world that we all want,

An Eden of pure and honest construction,

And of a Heaven where our souls can rest.

My Nails Aren't Black

It's a brand new day, a beautiful morning outside and the day awaiting us to grasp it, to grab it and run, enjoy every minute of it. This morning I am refreshed, awake and ready to seize the day. Perhaps a day at the riverfront, writing my heart out or perhaps a long walk through the city, anything is possible today. The world is so gorgeous and it's only the beginning of where we can go. Today I am thrilled, life is fabulous, magnificent and holy, so I will seize the day, perhaps go to mass tonight. And by the way, don't worry, my nails aren't black after all. I am happy, content, thrilled to be alive and here, waiting for Sunday.

i don't really know what this post is...

i feel strange tonight, lonely in the city with the lights shining down around me while i feel like mine is dark. i feel like painting my nails black, i feel like going to the riverfront but it's dark, i shouldn't. i feel like writing but it's making me feel even lonlier, even stranger so perhaps i should stop for tonight though i don't want to, i love it so much, i can't help it. but the city is dampening tonight, strange somehow, not so welcoming tonight. i feel lonely longing for your voice, wishing you were here. i feel strange tonight, wondering, praying, wishing, though none of it seems to calm me tonight. it's odd the way i feel, though my writing seems to make it better somehow. i don't know, i feel strange tonight, lonely and anxious, i will hear your voice soon enough but i just miss the comfort of it today. i feel like painting my nails black, maybe i will and i guess i'll just keep on writing, it is the only thing that soothes this feeling inside.

losing my dreams and beginning again

The sound of the breeze outside is pulling toward that time of evening,
the smell of the sunset is lingering on the wind,
and I can almost taste the sounds of the sun setting over the river.
Life seems peaceful at the moment,
and the windows portray a freedom that many attempt to gain,
but few will ever find.
That peace is more than a freedom,
it is a passion, a prayer, and a moment in time where life stops,
where time begins again,
and where new dreams are realized.
The breeze outside soothes me,
it pulls me in as that sweet evening drifts toward me,
and my heart is suddenly freed from every notion of hurt,
from every tear I've ever cried,
and from all my dreams that have been lost.

*BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN*

It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday I din't know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow I may not get by

But I will try
I will try

Wipe the tears from my eyes
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't care if I show it
Everyday is a new day
I'm reminded of the past
Every timet there's another storm
I know that it won't last
Every moment I'm filled with hope cause I got another chance

But I will try
I will try

Got nothing
Left to hide
Without the highs and the lows
Where would we go
Where would we go

conquering over my insecurities

trust has become an interesting issue in my life, i have trusted people completely, only to have them let me down in the end and i have kept trust from others, never letting them inside my heart. though i am finding it much easier these days to trust and that openness is conquering over my insecurities. i trust my heart these days and i have never been so honest with anyone, not even myself. i have gained back a part of my heart that i thought was lost, that trust that i kept away, locked inside my heart is now back and is conquering over my insecurities.

*i'm bitter, very bitter*

i can't believe i didn't make that list, i can't believe all i've said to you was just thrown away. it hurts me to know that's what you think of me, it makes me angry that i was pushed aside, thrown to the side as others were placed in front, when you know nothing of who they truly are. don't i mean more to you than that? obviously not, obviously i'm replaceable to you and i guess this has opened my eyes. i am angry, saddened, hurt by the words you've said to me, whether out of jealousy, rage or pure irony, saying them in the wrong times, in the wrong places, it doesn't matter anymore. can't you just be happy for us, for me? can't you just see that i am so content, the happiest i've been in many many years? can't that be enough, why do you have to put that down? and on top of that, how did i not make that list, that hurt me however innocent it began. that list was so ironic to me, that those are the ones that you treasure as friends. but let me ask you this, how many times have they been there when you've fallen? how many hours have you spent talking to them? how many times have they given up giving you advice? and how long has it been since you've actually talked to them?

no matter how far I fly or how far i fall

So here in the middle of the night, 12:00 am after another "hours long" conversation that I enjoy immensely and I lie in the silence, in the dark. I am calm, at peace with myself and those around me and feel safe with where I am in life. I don't feel like I have to choose anymore between what I feel and what I should do, I feel like I can go for it, that I can say what I feel and that I can show that when I need to. It's been a few days since I've gotten to write, life has taken over, but tonight I was reminded of something during that long conversation. I was reminded of how much I miss it, how much I should always make time to write because I love it so much. And from now on, I'm promising myself that no matter how busy I get, no matter where I am in the world, no matter how far I fly or how far I fall, I'll never stop writing and I'll always make time to write what I feel. So here in the middle of the night I am totally calm and again immersed in these words, soothing me into sleep and pushing me toward the exotic dreams in my mind.

He's smart, he'll make the right choice.

I know they're worried about him, I know they don't trust he'll make the right choices, the right decisions, that he'll be distracted and screw up. I can feel it in their voices, I can see it in their eyes. He's their son yet they have no trust that he'll be fine, no faith that whatever happens, happens. He's a good kid, he's a good guy, I have no doubt of that. I believe that he will be fine and I will always be there to help him up if he falls, to move him along if he stumbles along the way. He knows I'm there for him, he knows I can help. But I'm worried about him now, I'm scared that he'll go against them just for the hell of it, just to make them mad, to show them that he's not a kid anymore, that he's more than that. But then again in the back of my mind I know he's fine, I know it's just a girl, a girl he likes very much, a girl that he cares for, he's a good guy and he'll treat her right. And though she might very well be a distraction, I'd tell him to go for it, follow his heart, for he is growing up and he likes her, then I think he should be allowed to feel that. He's a good guy and though he is still very young, doesn't know that these choices he makes might very well change his life, I think he's smart enough to do the right thing. I know they're worried about him, but I think they're taking the wrong approach to this. I think that he needs to make his own mistakes, figure things out on his own, he'll be smart about it, he won't screw up, I do believe that, I have faith in him, the utmost faith that he'll be fine. I believe in you Jam... and if you ever need me, I'll always be here to help you start again after you fall.

here i am, 19 years old

here i am, 19 years old today, an age where i am on my own but still with many connections at home. i feel like today i am more of an adult that ever before though still young in my heart at times. but here i am, sitting with my beautiful dog maggie, in a home that has always cared for me, and though i've had many negative times in my life, the past few months being a part of that, i can't complain at all right now. i have everything i've ever wanted or needed and deep inside my heart there is no regret, no fear, no apprehension. and i used to read a few blogs written by people i knew, writing that is always negative, always unsure and i found comfort in them, knowing that someone else was an uncomfortable, unhappy as i was. but now a days, i don't enjoy them for the literary works they honestly could be, i don't find any comfort in them or any acknowledgement either, for i don't know what they are feeling anymore. i don't have any of those old familiar feelings of hurt, guilt or tragedy in my life anymore, none at the moment. life is pretty damn good and i just can't believe that i am 19 years old today, it's so unreal to me to think about that. and as i think back, this has been one of the best birthdays i can ever remember. so thank you to all of you who were a part of it, however big or small your part might have been. i appreciate each and every message, each and every gift, every thought, they truly meant so much to me, and i was truly touched that you cared enough to take the time for me. thank you; it meant the world.