This is it. The last 24 hours. The hardest 3 months of my life have come and past, the love lost to responsibility and loyalty is back tomorrow. The love that made me fall on my very knees just almost a year ago. How very ironic that I am reading back posts of alomst a year ago in which my heart was so young, so innocent,, so naive. And now I am the person sitting in front of you, matured, knowledgable, grow up a little. But then again so has our love grown. I remember though the first date when we sat for hours at Panda Express just talking, the movie I never really wanted to see but I wanted so badly for you to put your arm around me. And then the following dates, the time I got sick at BJ's and you stayed by my side barely sleeping all night making sure I was alright. I remember the first night you slept over, the feeling of excitement I had waking up next to you the next morning. I remember that first time you went with me to the riverfront, the first time you held my hand and the movie night at my apartment cramped together in that little black chair. The next movie night when we got the bed, haha. We'll keep that one to ourselves.
I remember the drive to McMinnville when I wanted so badly just to be near you and the nights at UP playing ping pong and talking in the Villa common room until you had to go to class, gosh I didn't want you to leave. I remember the first time you kissed me, so nervous, so exhilerated. The first time you met my parents, the thrill I felt to show you off. I remember our love growing, the first time you told me you loved me and I was so excited to be able to say it back. Though I'd already known for a while, it felt so right when you said it. I remember what you told me right before that too haha, but again I'll keep that to myself. It was so remarkkable thouggh, so sincere how you did it. I remember how we grew together, I in you and you in me. I remember the night you showed up at the corner to surprise me and asked me if it was raining. I remember our long talks into the night over your fall break and all I wanted was to be right beside you. I remember our first drive down to medford together, never boring of each other. The first time I slept at your house and the night that we fell asleep in your dorm room only to wake up at 3 in the morning and sneak out.
I remember each and every kiss, each and every moment when I felt something more than the time before and each and every day when I was so excited to see you again. I remember so many night drives home from UP listening to music and looking at the city lights and thinking how could everything be so perfect?
I don't ever want to lose those memories. The year I fell in love for the first time, the year that changed my life and the year that changed me. I want this year to be the same, a year full of more memories, even more moments that I can look at you and smile. And as our love grows even deeper, may we grow into each other even more beautifully and more concretely than we already have. May we live as if we've only just fallen in love but act as if we've been in love for our whole lives. I feel like I have been in love with you for years, I can't wait until I can say that love and I know someday I will be able to.
I'll never forget the day I fell in love with you. It was from the very first moment I met you, I felt it though I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt it. From that first night after our first date when I couldn't sleep at all because I was thinking of you and the whole next week when all I wanted was to kiss you again and feel you next to me. You had me from the very first moments, each and every time I saw you I felt it again, you're the only person I've ever loved like this and I hope you'll be the last.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
MISSING YOU
Yesterday I was unraveling, my whole life felt distant, unreal, unlike who I've been for the last year or so. This has honestly been the best year of my life, my most rewarding and the most real I've ever felt. I've accomplished the most and I've felt the best in my own skin.
I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, we don't always know why but in the end, we'll see the reasons. We'll realize how we've grown through each and every obstacle and how it's shaped us over time.
So embrace the moments, take them all in stride, realize everything happens for a reason to make us grow and everything provides a challenge to overcome to make us stronger. Every distant relationship, every moment he's away, every time you think of him and want nothing more than to hold on to him and never let go, there's a reason that distance is necessary. Though we might not always know, we have to believe.
I miss you love, come home soon.
I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, we don't always know why but in the end, we'll see the reasons. We'll realize how we've grown through each and every obstacle and how it's shaped us over time.
So embrace the moments, take them all in stride, realize everything happens for a reason to make us grow and everything provides a challenge to overcome to make us stronger. Every distant relationship, every moment he's away, every time you think of him and want nothing more than to hold on to him and never let go, there's a reason that distance is necessary. Though we might not always know, we have to believe.
I miss you love, come home soon.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
over
I hurt all over, my mind, my heart, my body. I'm feeling alone, lost and left over. I'm not sure why or what has caused this but here I am, sitting in this city I love so much alone, hurt and lost. no one here, no one even thinking of me, caring about what i'm doing while everyone else is off doing the things they like, spending time with friends, family. i'm left here.
so often in the last few weeks i've been picked over, looked over while others get my time from me. looked over as if i'm not here and it seems like everyday i'm alone, everyone else is with their friends, their girlfriends, their husbands and sons, their sisters, their brothers, thier mothers and fathers. i'm not. i'm here every day alone, doing it on my own. i'm here waiting, and i'm tired of waiting. i just want it to be over, i'm tired of it being this way. i'm tired of the uncertainty, i'm tired of living out of a suitcase and wating for you to call, i'm tired of sitting in a silent room and not even having the energy to turn on the tv. i'm tired of talking on the phone, i'm tired of acting all happy all the time when most of the time i just want you here. i'm tired of the evenings alone, wanting to go out to eat so bad but no one to go with. i'm tired of the anxiety.
i'm tired of this. i just want it to be friday and for it to be over.
so often in the last few weeks i've been picked over, looked over while others get my time from me. looked over as if i'm not here and it seems like everyday i'm alone, everyone else is with their friends, their girlfriends, their husbands and sons, their sisters, their brothers, thier mothers and fathers. i'm not. i'm here every day alone, doing it on my own. i'm here waiting, and i'm tired of waiting. i just want it to be over, i'm tired of it being this way. i'm tired of the uncertainty, i'm tired of living out of a suitcase and wating for you to call, i'm tired of sitting in a silent room and not even having the energy to turn on the tv. i'm tired of talking on the phone, i'm tired of acting all happy all the time when most of the time i just want you here. i'm tired of the evenings alone, wanting to go out to eat so bad but no one to go with. i'm tired of the anxiety.
i'm tired of this. i just want it to be friday and for it to be over.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Dedicated to Bwood....
Inspire Me
Inspire me tonight.
Make me feel that sweet breeze
That only arrives on the most beautiful nights,
Let me walk hand in hand down
Any street I wish with the boy I love,
Show me a picture of Paris in the fall
With the tower beaming, as if its waiting for us.
Let me see my brother grow inch by inch,
And the smiles on my parents faces as I drive up
To the house after a long time away.
Let me feel the warmth of that kiss,
The touch of tenderness those closest to me offer up,
And the moments when it seems like you’re not on Earth,
But in some parallel plane that tastes almost of Heaven.
How about the connection between uncle and nephew?
The inspiration in a tiny baby’s fingers
As he meets a man who will someday be modeled after,
And the time given up by those we love to strangers
Who need it the most, never asking for any favors in return.
Seeing the girl he loves give her time to others,
Time that often is the most priceless object in our lives,
And giving it without any hesitation or doubt,
Giving it mercifully and from deep inside her soul.
See the tiny creatures adopting mothers of their own,
Reaching for any life form they can find,
Even if it’s foreign to their tiny skins,
Even if it be giraffe to lamb, a mother cannot be replaced.
What’s more inspiration than the tiny worlds
The clouds form in the blue sky above us?
The pattern of the sun, rising and setting, more brilliant
Every time we see it,
And the endless cycle of stars and the fascination we have
To the tiny dots in the sky that spell out our dreams.
Feeling that cold breeze on a hot day, catching a moment
When the sun hits crystal and captures a glimmer of hope in light,
The warmth of children holding onto their innocence,
The smiles of accomplishment,
And the knowledge that something you did touched their heart;
Something you did inspired someone else.
Though what about the water that surrounds us,
The valleys of blue that curve throughout the harshness of the land,
The holes of water that become sanctuaries, for creature and man both?
The movement of the ripples, the simplicity of it,
But the complexity as well.
What about the moments we live each and everyday,
The days we love, the years we hate,
The lives we live are inspiration enough to live
A thousand of them.
How about the tenderness in sleep?
Strangers coming in and out of our lives,
Friends, family and love,
New places, new lives, new loves.
What’s more inspiring than the fresh dew on grass in
The early morning hours, staying up to watch the sun rise,
And being more in awe of it every time?
Perhaps saying goodbye when neither person wants to,
But knowing that goodbye only means more firsts,
Another hello at the other end.
Giving yourself for someone else and sitting for hours
With someone else and not having to say one word.
Perhaps inspiration is a hug after a rough day,
A kiss from someone you love when you’re heart is breaking,
And the strength of a high rise as you look up from the street,
Knowing the work and effort and beauty that building represents.
Driving through the moments and taking it all in,
Loving every minute while hating it as well,
Watching the lights of a city you love from somewhere you love
Even more, watching the world pass by as time sits still for an instance.
Mountain views, kids changing, growing, living.
Inspiration is the smell of rain in the fall, the damp streets,
The sudden downpour half way through your run.
Inspiration is hearing the song you want played at your wedding
And smiling as you imagine him standing there waiting for you.
It’s the momentary laughter that no one knows where it came from,
The days when nothing goes right, but at the end of the day,
You wouldn’t change any of it.
Inspiration is watching people go by,
Running at sunset,
Finding a home somewhere you never guessed you’d be,
Loving someone you never thought you’d love,
And living like you never thought you could.
Inspire me tonight.
Make me feel that sweet breeze
That only arrives on the most beautiful nights,
Let me walk hand in hand down
Any street I wish with the boy I love,
Show me a picture of Paris in the fall
With the tower beaming, as if its waiting for us.
Let me see my brother grow inch by inch,
And the smiles on my parents faces as I drive up
To the house after a long time away.
Let me feel the warmth of that kiss,
The touch of tenderness those closest to me offer up,
And the moments when it seems like you’re not on Earth,
But in some parallel plane that tastes almost of Heaven.
How about the connection between uncle and nephew?
The inspiration in a tiny baby’s fingers
As he meets a man who will someday be modeled after,
And the time given up by those we love to strangers
Who need it the most, never asking for any favors in return.
Seeing the girl he loves give her time to others,
Time that often is the most priceless object in our lives,
And giving it without any hesitation or doubt,
Giving it mercifully and from deep inside her soul.
See the tiny creatures adopting mothers of their own,
Reaching for any life form they can find,
Even if it’s foreign to their tiny skins,
Even if it be giraffe to lamb, a mother cannot be replaced.
What’s more inspiration than the tiny worlds
The clouds form in the blue sky above us?
The pattern of the sun, rising and setting, more brilliant
Every time we see it,
And the endless cycle of stars and the fascination we have
To the tiny dots in the sky that spell out our dreams.
Feeling that cold breeze on a hot day, catching a moment
When the sun hits crystal and captures a glimmer of hope in light,
The warmth of children holding onto their innocence,
The smiles of accomplishment,
And the knowledge that something you did touched their heart;
Something you did inspired someone else.
Though what about the water that surrounds us,
The valleys of blue that curve throughout the harshness of the land,
The holes of water that become sanctuaries, for creature and man both?
The movement of the ripples, the simplicity of it,
But the complexity as well.
What about the moments we live each and everyday,
The days we love, the years we hate,
The lives we live are inspiration enough to live
A thousand of them.
How about the tenderness in sleep?
Strangers coming in and out of our lives,
Friends, family and love,
New places, new lives, new loves.
What’s more inspiring than the fresh dew on grass in
The early morning hours, staying up to watch the sun rise,
And being more in awe of it every time?
Perhaps saying goodbye when neither person wants to,
But knowing that goodbye only means more firsts,
Another hello at the other end.
Giving yourself for someone else and sitting for hours
With someone else and not having to say one word.
Perhaps inspiration is a hug after a rough day,
A kiss from someone you love when you’re heart is breaking,
And the strength of a high rise as you look up from the street,
Knowing the work and effort and beauty that building represents.
Driving through the moments and taking it all in,
Loving every minute while hating it as well,
Watching the lights of a city you love from somewhere you love
Even more, watching the world pass by as time sits still for an instance.
Mountain views, kids changing, growing, living.
Inspiration is the smell of rain in the fall, the damp streets,
The sudden downpour half way through your run.
Inspiration is hearing the song you want played at your wedding
And smiling as you imagine him standing there waiting for you.
It’s the momentary laughter that no one knows where it came from,
The days when nothing goes right, but at the end of the day,
You wouldn’t change any of it.
Inspiration is watching people go by,
Running at sunset,
Finding a home somewhere you never guessed you’d be,
Loving someone you never thought you’d love,
And living like you never thought you could.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
perseverance will rescue us
How many times have we left something or someone behind? It seems every time there's a change in our lives, people and places get left behind, never the same again. I find it incredible that through it all, some people keep their same friends, their same homes, their same livlihoods, always constant, never changing. I guess it might be different for me than for all of you seeing as I've lived in about 4 different places in my life, grown up half way around the world and then grew the rest in a small town in the United States. I've had so many "best" friends, that now I feel like I have to be my own "best" friend. There was Sarah first, then Caroline and Rachel, then Alyssa, then Nick ( in a different way) and Don who I've grown closer with even as time has gone on. I feel like sometimes all these people were in my life to teach me things, some of them still are with me and a part of my life and I am so thankful for that. But I've realized that that bond between "best" friends can be different with each and every relationship.
Some are formed for need of a bond, a girl to girl relationship that consists more like that of a sisterly bond than anything else. There are some that formed out of the differences between the two, a friendship where one is completely different than the other but that lasts because of the bond formed. There are friendships that form out of love, pure love that reveals honesty and truth. There are frienships that form from the "non-neediness" of each other, a bond between a guy and a girl that's not sexual or physical, but a bond that means something to them both. I've had each of these kind of relationships in my life, I've had some leave me and I've left some of them myself. And what I realize now is that each and every one of them meant something, they meant even more to me when both people in the friendship could realize each other's needs and meet them, respect them and truly find the person inside.
Friends, homes, lovers, pets all leave us. At some point or another you'll leave or they'll leave, whether by choice or by necessity. We must accept that aspect of life, embrace it and honor it. You will not live in your house forever, you won't be with the person you love forever (though it may end in death), forever is a long idea. Forever does not exit in humanity. In thought it does, in dreams. But not in real human existence.
So often we let go when we should be pullling in, so many times we curl up in a little ball and wish away the world when we should be embracing it and attemtping to free ourselves from our own seclusion. We seclude ourselves from the world to get away from the reality of it, to spend time alone, to think, to do our own thing. But sometimes we have to branch out, sometimes our touch is the one that is most needed by others and we need to realize that we can't hide from the world, we can embrace it and pursue reality however that may be.
Some are formed for need of a bond, a girl to girl relationship that consists more like that of a sisterly bond than anything else. There are some that formed out of the differences between the two, a friendship where one is completely different than the other but that lasts because of the bond formed. There are friendships that form out of love, pure love that reveals honesty and truth. There are frienships that form from the "non-neediness" of each other, a bond between a guy and a girl that's not sexual or physical, but a bond that means something to them both. I've had each of these kind of relationships in my life, I've had some leave me and I've left some of them myself. And what I realize now is that each and every one of them meant something, they meant even more to me when both people in the friendship could realize each other's needs and meet them, respect them and truly find the person inside.
Friends, homes, lovers, pets all leave us. At some point or another you'll leave or they'll leave, whether by choice or by necessity. We must accept that aspect of life, embrace it and honor it. You will not live in your house forever, you won't be with the person you love forever (though it may end in death), forever is a long idea. Forever does not exit in humanity. In thought it does, in dreams. But not in real human existence.
So often we let go when we should be pullling in, so many times we curl up in a little ball and wish away the world when we should be embracing it and attemtping to free ourselves from our own seclusion. We seclude ourselves from the world to get away from the reality of it, to spend time alone, to think, to do our own thing. But sometimes we have to branch out, sometimes our touch is the one that is most needed by others and we need to realize that we can't hide from the world, we can embrace it and pursue reality however that may be.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
I love you because....
I love you because you see who I am now, not who I was,
because no matter how bad of a day we have, it always ends up better,
because when I'm not with you, I'm thinking of you.
I love you because whatever I want to do, you'll do it with me,
because when I need my space, you always give it to me,
and because every song I hear, reminds me of you.
I love you because when I steal a glance at you, my heart melts,
because I see a future in your eyes,
because every day I wake up alone, I know you're still with me in my heart.
I love you because at the end of each day, no matter what happened, I still have you,
because you'll hold my hand and let me cry on your shoulder,
and because everything in my life makes sense when I have you by my side.
I love you because you're you,
because together we have something more than we could ever put into words,
and because in your arms, I feel safer than anywhere else I could ever be.
because no matter how bad of a day we have, it always ends up better,
because when I'm not with you, I'm thinking of you.
I love you because whatever I want to do, you'll do it with me,
because when I need my space, you always give it to me,
and because every song I hear, reminds me of you.
I love you because when I steal a glance at you, my heart melts,
because I see a future in your eyes,
because every day I wake up alone, I know you're still with me in my heart.
I love you because at the end of each day, no matter what happened, I still have you,
because you'll hold my hand and let me cry on your shoulder,
and because everything in my life makes sense when I have you by my side.
I love you because you're you,
because together we have something more than we could ever put into words,
and because in your arms, I feel safer than anywhere else I could ever be.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Woman
I become what I write.
I become a lover, a friend,
A mother, a child.
I become the father, the brother,
The friendship gone so wrong.
Each word makes me,
Changes me into whatever it
Is that’s needed to convey that art.
I become a dreamer and a cynic,
A writer, an artist, a woman.
It’s the artist inside of me that
Begs for inspiration wherever I might
Find it. It’s the woman inside of me
That begs to inspire others whenever
I might find them.
In all the characters I’ve become,
All the personas I’ve learned to be,
All the words I’ve written,
And all the times I’ve begged myself
To dig deeper and become more
Of the person I form the words for,
There is one that has shown me myself.
There is only one that makes me
Who I am, only one persona that I become to write
Takes me other places and shows me my own heart.
I become what I write,
I can be lover, friend, daughter.
mother, son, father.
But what I already am and have learned
To be in perfect words is
woman.
I become a lover, a friend,
A mother, a child.
I become the father, the brother,
The friendship gone so wrong.
Each word makes me,
Changes me into whatever it
Is that’s needed to convey that art.
I become a dreamer and a cynic,
A writer, an artist, a woman.
It’s the artist inside of me that
Begs for inspiration wherever I might
Find it. It’s the woman inside of me
That begs to inspire others whenever
I might find them.
In all the characters I’ve become,
All the personas I’ve learned to be,
All the words I’ve written,
And all the times I’ve begged myself
To dig deeper and become more
Of the person I form the words for,
There is one that has shown me myself.
There is only one that makes me
Who I am, only one persona that I become to write
Takes me other places and shows me my own heart.
I become what I write,
I can be lover, friend, daughter.
mother, son, father.
But what I already am and have learned
To be in perfect words is
woman.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
*stronger*
I think that I've realized something in the past few days, actually I guess in the past few months in which I thought would be the hardest of my life. Today is what, July 09, 2006. It has been 56 days, 8 weeks and 2 months since the love of my life left the city to return home for the summer. And I will not lie, I admit at the beginning of those 2 months I was skeptical, I was scared, I was insecure and unsure of what was going to happen. I was an emotional nightmare, (which I sincerely apologize for) and I was lost in myself as well as in the newly "single" world around me. I was going to be on my own, living all by myself, doing everything by myself, sleeping alone, waking up alone and starting a new era alone. But what I came to realize in that was that I wasn't scared to be alone, I wasn't scared that we wouldn't end up back together at the end of the seperation, I was scared to find myself. And that is exaclty what needed to happen. I needed to find who I was, spend time with me, learn who I was and who I want to be and trust myself before this relationship could go any further, which I hope it goes on for the rest of my life.
It's only when we need things the most that then everything happens for a reason. This seperation has been good for us, it has given us each time to find out who we are and where we're headed. And I think our love has withstood that, showing us the quality of what we feel. I can't wait until he is back up here again in a few weeks, and I know the future only has good things in store for us, but the past few months have shown me how much I've grown and how much I love the guy that I fell in love with. It's been 56 days, 8 weeks and 2 months and in just a few weeks, life will go back to normal and the time that I thought would kill me has only made me stronger.
It's only when we need things the most that then everything happens for a reason. This seperation has been good for us, it has given us each time to find out who we are and where we're headed. And I think our love has withstood that, showing us the quality of what we feel. I can't wait until he is back up here again in a few weeks, and I know the future only has good things in store for us, but the past few months have shown me how much I've grown and how much I love the guy that I fell in love with. It's been 56 days, 8 weeks and 2 months and in just a few weeks, life will go back to normal and the time that I thought would kill me has only made me stronger.
Starts with a P~
It’s 4 pm and once again
You’ve packed your bags,
Driven home,
To your other home at least.
~
And with each suitcase
Packed full, Yoda in the backseat
Of that little black car I know
All so well, I have to say goodbye
Each and every time.
~
It’s one more 5 hour drive,
One more hot day standing
On the sidewalk as you back
Out and drive down 10th.
~
Just a July day, the ninth day
Of the month, 2 from starting
Something new at a new place,
Only 4 more from seeing
You up here again.
And only just a few more weeks until
Goodbyes are not ordinary.
~
It’s 4 pm and my life goes back
To what it always does during the week.
Errands, school, work, nightly
Phone calls and chats online.
Waiting only for Friday when
You can surprise me by getting here early
And going to the place that we consider
Our “other” home, a little restaurant
On a corner in the Pearl, that starts
With a P and ends with a “changs.”
You’ve packed your bags,
Driven home,
To your other home at least.
~
And with each suitcase
Packed full, Yoda in the backseat
Of that little black car I know
All so well, I have to say goodbye
Each and every time.
~
It’s one more 5 hour drive,
One more hot day standing
On the sidewalk as you back
Out and drive down 10th.
~
Just a July day, the ninth day
Of the month, 2 from starting
Something new at a new place,
Only 4 more from seeing
You up here again.
And only just a few more weeks until
Goodbyes are not ordinary.
~
It’s 4 pm and my life goes back
To what it always does during the week.
Errands, school, work, nightly
Phone calls and chats online.
Waiting only for Friday when
You can surprise me by getting here early
And going to the place that we consider
Our “other” home, a little restaurant
On a corner in the Pearl, that starts
With a P and ends with a “changs.”
Sunday, July 02, 2006
"All of the Above"
Space is just time in seperate ways,
it's moments that are spent apart,
it's days spent thinking of nothing but you,
it's miles of land in between our thoughts
and our lives alone.
Love is just our way of expression,
it's the moments we spend together and apart,
the days we spend in each other's arms,
and the nights spent with dreams on our sleeves.
Space keeps us sane, love keeps us alive.
Honesty is just the life with a little sugar coating
to keep our minds as safe as we can,
it's what makes us who we are,
it's seconds of finding just the right thing to say,
and the biggest thing that makes our love survive.
Words are just moments put into letters,
they're marks on a page that show our love,
they're moments put into words and
thought put into history for us to look back fifty years
from now and remember as we're old and gray.
Honesty keeps us in love, words are just moments put into space.
Space.
Love.
Honesty.
Words.
In you,
I find
all of the above.
it's moments that are spent apart,
it's days spent thinking of nothing but you,
it's miles of land in between our thoughts
and our lives alone.
Love is just our way of expression,
it's the moments we spend together and apart,
the days we spend in each other's arms,
and the nights spent with dreams on our sleeves.
Space keeps us sane, love keeps us alive.
Honesty is just the life with a little sugar coating
to keep our minds as safe as we can,
it's what makes us who we are,
it's seconds of finding just the right thing to say,
and the biggest thing that makes our love survive.
Words are just moments put into letters,
they're marks on a page that show our love,
they're moments put into words and
thought put into history for us to look back fifty years
from now and remember as we're old and gray.
Honesty keeps us in love, words are just moments put into space.
Space.
Love.
Honesty.
Words.
In you,
I find
all of the above.
judgement day~
Do you ever look back on your past and just think about the things you thought would fit right into your life and find out now that they were so wrong for you? As I sit here, listening to a country song I just got from my brother's collection, I look back on where I was a year ago, the feelings I thought I had, the ideas I had, the person I was making myself become to please those around me and to get the relationships I thought I needed or wanted, the difference never really was clear. And I see now that none of those things were right for me, none of them made sense with the life I want or the things I love to do. Relationships were formed that were feigned and nothing was real from the words said to what we both thought we wanted. And I guess as you grow you realize more of the mistakes you made and you find out that everything does work out for a reason, that reason just isn't always known for sure in the moment.
No one knows what someone else is feeling, but I guess that the best we can do is to find that one person that comes to know you better than even you know yourself. Someone who isn't fake around you, who doesn't care what you've been through and doesn't judge you by it but who looks at who you are in the present tense. I guess you have to know that some people will always think I'm a bitch, some will always think I'm a spoiled rich girl with her own apartment and everything taken care of. Some will always know me as that girl with the convertible, that girl who dramatizes her life and who acts like the world is out to get her. And I guess there's not much I can do about what they think of me, but I can be the person I am. A girl who has had to say goodbye way too many times, a girl who has finally found a home to fit in to and shouldn't be punished for that. A girl who wants to help others and touch lives in one way or another. A girl who wants to be the best person she can be and who is remembered for the good person she was and how she lived her life. And if people can't see who I am inside and the good thinggs I do, then the hell with them. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see for real the bumps and rides that everyone goes through... don't judge me for who I am, for where I come from and what I do.
Live a day in my life and then see who I really am.
No one knows what someone else is feeling, but I guess that the best we can do is to find that one person that comes to know you better than even you know yourself. Someone who isn't fake around you, who doesn't care what you've been through and doesn't judge you by it but who looks at who you are in the present tense. I guess you have to know that some people will always think I'm a bitch, some will always think I'm a spoiled rich girl with her own apartment and everything taken care of. Some will always know me as that girl with the convertible, that girl who dramatizes her life and who acts like the world is out to get her. And I guess there's not much I can do about what they think of me, but I can be the person I am. A girl who has had to say goodbye way too many times, a girl who has finally found a home to fit in to and shouldn't be punished for that. A girl who wants to help others and touch lives in one way or another. A girl who wants to be the best person she can be and who is remembered for the good person she was and how she lived her life. And if people can't see who I am inside and the good thinggs I do, then the hell with them. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see for real the bumps and rides that everyone goes through... don't judge me for who I am, for where I come from and what I do.
Live a day in my life and then see who I really am.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
*eras*
Here I am, laying in this bed I used to sleep in all the time, this room that holds so many memories, mostly bad, mostly tears, yet still they are memories. And here with the family that I have always had, the family I've been through so much with and yet it all seems foreign to a point. Perhaps it's because I'm maturing, growing faster than I had thought I was, perhaps it's because all I want is to be with him there and not here except by a feeling of guilt that always resides within me, pushing me to come back to this foreign home and strange house.
It seems that in the last year so many of my dreams have come true and they have changed me and the life I live. I guess that means those that were closest to me had their lives changed as well as mine changed, as all are so interlinked. I found myself deeply in love with someone and he was all that I wanted, his time was my time, his world became my world and perhaps somehow in the swirl of bliss I lost some of what my life used to be. But the thing is, I don't want to go back to the life I used to have and in fact, it feels strange being here at "home" with my parents and brother. It feels strange not having the freedom, the space, the right to do anything I want, talk to anyone I want and be anywhere I want. It's weird to me that some people stay in this era for so many years because for me all I want is so badly to be on my own again, to be at my own home in the city or to be with the boy I love so deeply.
And as I think about it, right here and now as these words seem to spill from my mouth, I have about one more month, maybe 5 or 6 weeks only until the boy I love is back with me all the time. And it seems like just yesterday we had to seperate, those long first weeks without him there and near by. My emotions nearly took me out, the tears flowed freely, the freedom seemed hard to get so used to. And here I am, almost finished with the time he had to be away and I've only fallen more in love with him over the past couple months. Here we are, in a transiition period of our lives, weening out of one era and into another. Leaving behind things we've always known for an era of everything unknown and I can't wait to begin it!
It seems that in the last year so many of my dreams have come true and they have changed me and the life I live. I guess that means those that were closest to me had their lives changed as well as mine changed, as all are so interlinked. I found myself deeply in love with someone and he was all that I wanted, his time was my time, his world became my world and perhaps somehow in the swirl of bliss I lost some of what my life used to be. But the thing is, I don't want to go back to the life I used to have and in fact, it feels strange being here at "home" with my parents and brother. It feels strange not having the freedom, the space, the right to do anything I want, talk to anyone I want and be anywhere I want. It's weird to me that some people stay in this era for so many years because for me all I want is so badly to be on my own again, to be at my own home in the city or to be with the boy I love so deeply.
And as I think about it, right here and now as these words seem to spill from my mouth, I have about one more month, maybe 5 or 6 weeks only until the boy I love is back with me all the time. And it seems like just yesterday we had to seperate, those long first weeks without him there and near by. My emotions nearly took me out, the tears flowed freely, the freedom seemed hard to get so used to. And here I am, almost finished with the time he had to be away and I've only fallen more in love with him over the past couple months. Here we are, in a transiition period of our lives, weening out of one era and into another. Leaving behind things we've always known for an era of everything unknown and I can't wait to begin it!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
*Rememberance*
**Dedicated to three boys who lost their lives way too early and a tragedy that hit way too close to home**
Life is not long enough,
not fast or slow enough.
Days don't mean enough or show
enough emotion,
moments don't last long enough;
sometimes too long.
I wonder sometimes what happens
to the time, then others what happened
for it to take so long.
Boys and girls die young,
then some people live longer
than should be humanly allowed.
How is it chosen who should stay and who
should go?
It seems so unfair, so estranged,
so unmonumental, so torn away from life.
It seems so unfair, yet so fair to others
who learn a lesson from the rest of this.
Death is something that cheats some,
and rewards others.
Time ending seems to start a new life for some,
and leaves others wrecked and laying on the side
of the road to die as well.
We have no idea when we'll go,
when we'll crash off that broken highway,
or go down in a firy flash, crashing and losing hope
to live again.
We know not of what will come for us afterwards,
we can only hope its someplace as beautiful as
our lives hopefully were.
Life is not long enough,
not fast or slow enough.
Days don't mean enough or show
enough emotion,
moments don't last long enough;
sometimes too long.
Life is not long enough,
not fast or slow enough.
Days don't mean enough or show
enough emotion,
moments don't last long enough;
sometimes too long.
I wonder sometimes what happens
to the time, then others what happened
for it to take so long.
Boys and girls die young,
then some people live longer
than should be humanly allowed.
How is it chosen who should stay and who
should go?
It seems so unfair, so estranged,
so unmonumental, so torn away from life.
It seems so unfair, yet so fair to others
who learn a lesson from the rest of this.
Death is something that cheats some,
and rewards others.
Time ending seems to start a new life for some,
and leaves others wrecked and laying on the side
of the road to die as well.
We have no idea when we'll go,
when we'll crash off that broken highway,
or go down in a firy flash, crashing and losing hope
to live again.
We know not of what will come for us afterwards,
we can only hope its someplace as beautiful as
our lives hopefully were.
Life is not long enough,
not fast or slow enough.
Days don't mean enough or show
enough emotion,
moments don't last long enough;
sometimes too long.
Monday, June 19, 2006
complete
Moments can sometimes take your breath away, they can make you realize how much something means to you, how much someone means to you. It only takes one small second for that moment to steal your soul away and when it happens your very breath is stolen from inside you and you know that you're more complete because of it.
It's a moment when his passion lives in you, when his dreams become yours, when you see him in his element and love him even more than you already do. It's when he puts his hand on the small of my back, to pull me closer to him. It's when he needs me, when he's lying beside me with his arm around me. It's when I'm so proud of him no matter what the sircumstances might be, when I know his intentions are always for the best, when he introduces me as "his girlfriend" and when he grabs my hand when I least expect him to. It' when I see him smile at me from a distance and mouth the words " I love you" to me, when he reads my writing and leaves a simple but thoughtful comment, it's when he smiles and I melt in front of it. It's when he lays in my arms and isn't afraid to lean on me through the toughest of times. It' when he genuinely confides in me, it's when he stands with his golf club and crosses his feet and makes me realize how lucky I am to have him.
These moments genuinely steal my heart and bring the love between us to the foreground. It's these tiny moments in time that make me who I am and more complete in the end.
It's a moment when his passion lives in you, when his dreams become yours, when you see him in his element and love him even more than you already do. It's when he puts his hand on the small of my back, to pull me closer to him. It's when he needs me, when he's lying beside me with his arm around me. It's when I'm so proud of him no matter what the sircumstances might be, when I know his intentions are always for the best, when he introduces me as "his girlfriend" and when he grabs my hand when I least expect him to. It' when I see him smile at me from a distance and mouth the words " I love you" to me, when he reads my writing and leaves a simple but thoughtful comment, it's when he smiles and I melt in front of it. It's when he lays in my arms and isn't afraid to lean on me through the toughest of times. It' when he genuinely confides in me, it's when he stands with his golf club and crosses his feet and makes me realize how lucky I am to have him.
These moments genuinely steal my heart and bring the love between us to the foreground. It's these tiny moments in time that make me who I am and more complete in the end.
Friday, June 16, 2006
faithful
How is it that faith is so hard to hold on to? When everywhere I look all I see is memories and gorgeous surroundings that mean everything to me. This is my home, here I belong, here I know is where I'll be for a while, and I'm loving every moment of it. So why is it here in this perfect city that my faith has been lost? Why is it here that I've found one thing and lost another? Why here have I found love and lost faith, found forever and lost now, found friends and lost family. Or perhaps I've just given what I used to have a new name... perhaps my faith just turned into love, but is all the same.
Or perhaps I've lost the faith that I always thought I knew just becuase I really never knew it at all. Maybe my faith has turned into a search and journey that i'm supposed to take, maybe I need to lose it and then find it again on my own, in myself. I think that opening your eyes to things you never knew before only helps you to find yourself even more and that as we grow, we only question more and more.
I would never count myself away from religion, I think it's vital, I know it is. In some form or another, I truly believe our lives would be empty without it, but I also know that there is so much to take in in life, that sometimes it's hard to handle it all at once. We're thrown at a million different streets, a million different paths and million different ways to live. We have to sift through the paths we're given and add to them smaller paths to help us make our way through. We must use what we have and are given to find ourselves and then find what we love and what we're faithful to.
Or perhaps I've lost the faith that I always thought I knew just becuase I really never knew it at all. Maybe my faith has turned into a search and journey that i'm supposed to take, maybe I need to lose it and then find it again on my own, in myself. I think that opening your eyes to things you never knew before only helps you to find yourself even more and that as we grow, we only question more and more.
I would never count myself away from religion, I think it's vital, I know it is. In some form or another, I truly believe our lives would be empty without it, but I also know that there is so much to take in in life, that sometimes it's hard to handle it all at once. We're thrown at a million different streets, a million different paths and million different ways to live. We have to sift through the paths we're given and add to them smaller paths to help us make our way through. We must use what we have and are given to find ourselves and then find what we love and what we're faithful to.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Autobiography
Recently my brother wrote his autobiography for a class at school and intrigued by the idea and by his paper itself, I decided to write my own. The story of me. The only life I've ever lived and ever will... here it is: the life, passions, prayers and dramas of me.
Born overseas, in a land sea and sand I came into the world as black haired baby to two teachers. The life I came into would stay with me for 12 years and the land that bore me would soon become a home I long to always go back to, a home that held me in the dunes of sand and the waves of salted sea. An Arab world became all that I knew, a world that favored tradition over popular culture and chose religion over politics. It was this world that I loved for 12 years, this world that made me who I am, this world that captured me and held me inside its palm, inside the desert and the sea.
It was only when I was 12 years old that I said goodbye forever to the only place I ever knew as home. I left that day 9 years ago, as a child knowing far more than I ever should have had to know. I left knowing I would never see these people again, knowing my life would never be the same, knowing that the home I knew would never be the same ever again. That 14 hour plane ride here was eternity, leaving, coming, being everywhere at once and being no where at all. My life was beginning but ending at the same time, one chapter finished, so many more to come.
And moving to Oregon, to Medford, a town in the southern part of the state I finished the rest of my young years. I made friends that have stayed with me to this day, friends that touched me, that shaped me and my ideals, friends that taught me a lot about life. I became who I am today there and those that know me now know that where I came from will always be a part of me, a part of my soul deep down inside of who I am. My life began there, my childhood ended there and again I said goodbye to that part of me. I cried a million tears over that goodbye because this time I wasn't leaving just a home, but a part of me, a childhood, an era that wasn't ready to be finished, a life ready to be lived, a place not ready to be let go. I left so much more there than I did over seas, I left my soul this time and that goodbye nearly tore me apart.
But through a year of Hell, I was pulled from the flames and rescued by someone that I will never let go of. He saved me from myself, from the Hell I was putting myself through, from the blame I was putting on everyone else besides myself, from losing everything I had built, from losing myself. I came to find more ecstasy in love than in faith, finding out that such love is true faith in something, no matter what you call it. I found myself faced with forever and for a time it scared me, but as time grew I realized that love like this was all that I've ever truly wanted in my life. His love saved my entire being, his love is what pulled me through the deepest days of Hell and I knew that I could say goodbye to everything else, but never to him.
This past year has been a whirlwind of experiences. I've found who I truly am, I've learned to be alone, to spend every waking minute with the boy that saved me, to experience new things with now doubts, and to be who I am no matter what the consequences may be. I've learned more of my family, learned to distance myself but stay connected at the same time. I've found a friend in the woman my mother is, I've left the blame and doubt behind and found a hero in my father and as we've grown, I've found both a friend and mentor in my little brother. He is the reason that I am writing this, he is my inspiration and he will always be my closest friend.
My future is not that far away. As I sit here writing this, I am almost 20 years old and everything I've always wanted is within my reach. My dreams and my passions are right in front of me, they are there ready to be used and acknowleged. I cannot wait to walk down the aisle at my wedding, with white tulips, white roses and pink orchids all around me, in a creamy white dress that's simple, elegant and hold my father's hand while he gives me away. REceiving his simple kiss on my cheek as he says goodbye to me, as his little girl that's all grown up. I can't wait for the look in my husband's eyes as he sees me walking toward him, ready to spend eternity with each other, ready to know that no one else will ever have our love. I can't wait to make a life with him, with the man that I already know I will love forever. I can't wait until the day I can come home from work and cook a beautiful dinner, spend the evening with the husband I've always wanted, go to bed and sleep in each other's arms. Wake up next to him, a good morning kiss and off to the day. I can't wait for the day I can spoil my nieces and nephews, taking them shopping and out to lunch, a day with Auntie Casey. I can't wait until I can sit on the balcony with my husband and look out at the river and watch the white clouds pass by in the deep blue sky, sipping wine as the breeze pulls us closer together. I look forward to the rocky path that marriage is, I can't wait for the ups and the downs, because after the downs, life always seems so much sweeter.
I know that when I am on my deathbed, that I will look back and see the past as it was: a beautiful, simple, extraordinary, faithful era of years. I pray that I will look back and like the way I lived them, that I lived them to my fullest potential and touched people along the way. I pray that I will have lived every passion I have,, that every dream will have come true and that every moment will have been worth living, no matter how good or bad it was. I pray every day that life becomes more incredible because right now, I have lived an amazing life and I can't wait to live the rest of it.
Born overseas, in a land sea and sand I came into the world as black haired baby to two teachers. The life I came into would stay with me for 12 years and the land that bore me would soon become a home I long to always go back to, a home that held me in the dunes of sand and the waves of salted sea. An Arab world became all that I knew, a world that favored tradition over popular culture and chose religion over politics. It was this world that I loved for 12 years, this world that made me who I am, this world that captured me and held me inside its palm, inside the desert and the sea.
It was only when I was 12 years old that I said goodbye forever to the only place I ever knew as home. I left that day 9 years ago, as a child knowing far more than I ever should have had to know. I left knowing I would never see these people again, knowing my life would never be the same, knowing that the home I knew would never be the same ever again. That 14 hour plane ride here was eternity, leaving, coming, being everywhere at once and being no where at all. My life was beginning but ending at the same time, one chapter finished, so many more to come.
And moving to Oregon, to Medford, a town in the southern part of the state I finished the rest of my young years. I made friends that have stayed with me to this day, friends that touched me, that shaped me and my ideals, friends that taught me a lot about life. I became who I am today there and those that know me now know that where I came from will always be a part of me, a part of my soul deep down inside of who I am. My life began there, my childhood ended there and again I said goodbye to that part of me. I cried a million tears over that goodbye because this time I wasn't leaving just a home, but a part of me, a childhood, an era that wasn't ready to be finished, a life ready to be lived, a place not ready to be let go. I left so much more there than I did over seas, I left my soul this time and that goodbye nearly tore me apart.
But through a year of Hell, I was pulled from the flames and rescued by someone that I will never let go of. He saved me from myself, from the Hell I was putting myself through, from the blame I was putting on everyone else besides myself, from losing everything I had built, from losing myself. I came to find more ecstasy in love than in faith, finding out that such love is true faith in something, no matter what you call it. I found myself faced with forever and for a time it scared me, but as time grew I realized that love like this was all that I've ever truly wanted in my life. His love saved my entire being, his love is what pulled me through the deepest days of Hell and I knew that I could say goodbye to everything else, but never to him.
This past year has been a whirlwind of experiences. I've found who I truly am, I've learned to be alone, to spend every waking minute with the boy that saved me, to experience new things with now doubts, and to be who I am no matter what the consequences may be. I've learned more of my family, learned to distance myself but stay connected at the same time. I've found a friend in the woman my mother is, I've left the blame and doubt behind and found a hero in my father and as we've grown, I've found both a friend and mentor in my little brother. He is the reason that I am writing this, he is my inspiration and he will always be my closest friend.
My future is not that far away. As I sit here writing this, I am almost 20 years old and everything I've always wanted is within my reach. My dreams and my passions are right in front of me, they are there ready to be used and acknowleged. I cannot wait to walk down the aisle at my wedding, with white tulips, white roses and pink orchids all around me, in a creamy white dress that's simple, elegant and hold my father's hand while he gives me away. REceiving his simple kiss on my cheek as he says goodbye to me, as his little girl that's all grown up. I can't wait for the look in my husband's eyes as he sees me walking toward him, ready to spend eternity with each other, ready to know that no one else will ever have our love. I can't wait to make a life with him, with the man that I already know I will love forever. I can't wait until the day I can come home from work and cook a beautiful dinner, spend the evening with the husband I've always wanted, go to bed and sleep in each other's arms. Wake up next to him, a good morning kiss and off to the day. I can't wait for the day I can spoil my nieces and nephews, taking them shopping and out to lunch, a day with Auntie Casey. I can't wait until I can sit on the balcony with my husband and look out at the river and watch the white clouds pass by in the deep blue sky, sipping wine as the breeze pulls us closer together. I look forward to the rocky path that marriage is, I can't wait for the ups and the downs, because after the downs, life always seems so much sweeter.
I know that when I am on my deathbed, that I will look back and see the past as it was: a beautiful, simple, extraordinary, faithful era of years. I pray that I will look back and like the way I lived them, that I lived them to my fullest potential and touched people along the way. I pray that I will have lived every passion I have,, that every dream will have come true and that every moment will have been worth living, no matter how good or bad it was. I pray every day that life becomes more incredible because right now, I have lived an amazing life and I can't wait to live the rest of it.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
the future is here, whether we want it or not
I have a lot going on in my head right now. Some of it controlable, some of it not. First of all, time is flying by. We're already at the middle of June, it seems like just the other day that Nick left, that school seemed like it would never end and that starting at my new school was forever away. And now here I am, starting the last week of my firt year of college, planning a busy three weeks until starting school again and realizing that it's not that long at all until Nick is back up here with me all the time. The summer I thought would be an eternity is going by faster than possible.
And then thinking ahead, in a mere few years, I'll be graduating, starting a life all on my own, perhaps getting married soon after, starting a life that I've never known but always dreampt of. The future is here whether we want it or not; in my case, I can't wait. This past weekend reminded me of how much I've changed, how much I'm happy with the person I've become and how much I love the boy that has made me into who I am today.
And then thinking ahead, in a mere few years, I'll be graduating, starting a life all on my own, perhaps getting married soon after, starting a life that I've never known but always dreampt of. The future is here whether we want it or not; in my case, I can't wait. This past weekend reminded me of how much I've changed, how much I'm happy with the person I've become and how much I love the boy that has made me into who I am today.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
him
there is no one like him. he's my best friend, my other half, my confidante and my critic. he's brilliant, my strength, protection, and smart. he's the one and only i belong with, the one and only i want, the one and only i know is right for me. he's the only one i want forever, he's the person that makes my world what it is. he's the love i've always wnated and finally got.... there's no one like him and he's my one and only.
Life List......
There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life. So many moments I want to live, so many things I will eventually do. Here's a list... I know I'll do most of them, hopefully all of them....
1. live in Paris
2. visit Spain and Morocco
3. get married in a simple, elegant ceremony
4. be successful in my career
5. buy my Audi TT, navy blue with a soft top and camel interior
6. travel the world
7. live on the Riverfront
8. take time to watch the sunsets in each new city I visit
9. keep writing for the rest of my life
10. write a book
11. be a good wife someday
12. see Imagen Heap in concert
13. have "Baby I'm Amazed" by Jem played at my wedding
14. read at least a few books every year
15. be an aunt
16. buy an old home and fix it all up
17. maybe open a restaurant
18. donate money to charities
19. maybe voluteer overseas
20. die knowing I accomplished everything I wanted to
1. live in Paris
2. visit Spain and Morocco
3. get married in a simple, elegant ceremony
4. be successful in my career
5. buy my Audi TT, navy blue with a soft top and camel interior
6. travel the world
7. live on the Riverfront
8. take time to watch the sunsets in each new city I visit
9. keep writing for the rest of my life
10. write a book
11. be a good wife someday
12. see Imagen Heap in concert
13. have "Baby I'm Amazed" by Jem played at my wedding
14. read at least a few books every year
15. be an aunt
16. buy an old home and fix it all up
17. maybe open a restaurant
18. donate money to charities
19. maybe voluteer overseas
20. die knowing I accomplished everything I wanted to
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
~"I"~
Somewhere out there is my old best friend that no matter how we see it, we have grown apart. Somewhere these days are my old group of friends, scattered around no doubt, changed I'm sure. Somewhere a few hours away is a family I used to know, still love but barely know. Somewhere out there a few more hours away is the person I fell in love with for the first time. The boy that changed my life and inspires me each and every day.
Somewhere here in between the sunset and the skyscraping towers, in between the river and the sea, the shops and the streetcars is a girl who only wants to grow into who she is. I have found out a lot about myself in the past month, more than I ever thought I could again. i thought I knew everything about me, the ins and outs, what I would do and what I wouldn't, who I wanted to be and who I didn't. I surprised myself and found out that there is so much more to me than I give myself credit for.
I....
belong here in the city,
know love can last forever
could live forever just watching the sun set
write to keep my soul alive
have lost parts of myself, big parts
have experienced so many big firsts in the past year
barely know my family anymore
miss the moments when i am totally alone
embrace the moments that inspire me
find that pictures can bring back forgotten memories
have a little wild side that I'm no longer afraid to embrace
love the big city life
miss having a close girlfriend
need to cry sometimes
have issues just like everyone else
have a passion for cooking
love looking back at old pictures
find intense inspiration from the beach
have lost friends this year
miss the relationship my mom and I used to have
have almost given up on prayer
have placed more faith in love (whether that's good or bad, who konws)
am right where I want to be
can't wait to start the rest of my life
find solace in the voice of the boy I love and laying in his ams
know forever can last
Somewhere here in between the sunset and the skyscraping towers, in between the river and the sea, the shops and the streetcars is a girl who only wants to grow into who she is. I have found out a lot about myself in the past month, more than I ever thought I could again. i thought I knew everything about me, the ins and outs, what I would do and what I wouldn't, who I wanted to be and who I didn't. I surprised myself and found out that there is so much more to me than I give myself credit for.
I....
belong here in the city,
know love can last forever
could live forever just watching the sun set
write to keep my soul alive
have lost parts of myself, big parts
have experienced so many big firsts in the past year
barely know my family anymore
miss the moments when i am totally alone
embrace the moments that inspire me
find that pictures can bring back forgotten memories
have a little wild side that I'm no longer afraid to embrace
love the big city life
miss having a close girlfriend
need to cry sometimes
have issues just like everyone else
have a passion for cooking
love looking back at old pictures
find intense inspiration from the beach
have lost friends this year
miss the relationship my mom and I used to have
have almost given up on prayer
have placed more faith in love (whether that's good or bad, who konws)
am right where I want to be
can't wait to start the rest of my life
find solace in the voice of the boy I love and laying in his ams
know forever can last
Sunday, June 04, 2006
thank you for you
This morning you held me tight, we laughed, we kissed, we were together and now you've gone away again. But I am not crying as I watch you drive away again, I am anxious for the 5 days until we see each other again. I am so ready for us to be together again, but I also know that it's already been a month since you've been gone and it will only be another 8 weeks or so until it's normal again. Until then I will continue to think of you with all my time, continue to dream of you here all the time again. I will hope for everything in us and believe that we will be okay. Thank you for the effort you are making; it means everything to me and more. For the tulips, for the pancakes, for the moments we shared. For the day in Salem, the chocolates which I adore and the PF Changs surprise on Friday, thank you hb of o... you are the most amazing part of my life and my rock that I hold onto when I'm falling down. You are the one and only person I want to love, the one and only that makkes me smile and laugh, the one and only that I want to share my life with. Thank you for being that person, thank you for you.
Love, ... Case
Love, ... Case
Saturday, June 03, 2006
past the point of no return: loving you forever
You know we've been through a lot these past 8 months. We've both fallen in love for the first time, found out people close to us arent' always what they claim to be, we've had so many big moments together, so many moments that were firsts for the both of us and that meant the very most they ever could. We've grown into the people we are becoming, we've both grown up and dealt with issues in our families, we've dealt with issues within ourselves and issues together, working through the hard times to get to times like these today when I couldn't hardly love you anymore than I already do. I never knew that my first love would be the one that I would want to keep forever, little did I know that the boy I fell in love with at 18 would steal my heart and keep it forever. I've never felt so many emotions as I have in the past 8 months, ups and downs, happiness and feeling lost. I don't think I've grown up as much as I have in these last months of my life and I never thought that these last 8 months would be the best I've ever had out of the 19 years that I've lived but they definitley were.
We've spent every hour of every day together and never got tired of each other, we've spent time together and apart, and those times apart made me miss you even more than I already do when you're just across the room from me. And honestly when you left this summer I didn't know if I could do this. I was scared and unsure of what would happen to us, but you knew our love would hold us together, you knew that we would be okay. You knew you loved me. You knew. And now I can see better how you knew, you knew because you had trust in us. And I do too. I trust us and I trust you.
And after today, after spending this weekend with you and having such an amazing time I've realized something. I know my love for you will never die, I know that every single moment we spend together will make up for all those that we don't, when you are away. And here as you lie next to me, with no idea that I'm even writing this, I want you to know one thing... and I want the world to know it too.....
"After eight months of moments, of firsts and lasts, of love inside and out, of happiness and troubles, of laughter and tears, I love you more than I ever have before. And I know that my love will continue to grow, continue to thrive and continue to become more complete than it even is now. You are my only love, I truly know that. I want you forever, I want us forever. And even though this summer is going to be hard like it already is, I know that when you are back here always, it will be even better and it will all have been worth the pain of being away to be back together again. Happy Anniversary baby... you are the one and only love in my life and I forever do."
~Casey
We've spent every hour of every day together and never got tired of each other, we've spent time together and apart, and those times apart made me miss you even more than I already do when you're just across the room from me. And honestly when you left this summer I didn't know if I could do this. I was scared and unsure of what would happen to us, but you knew our love would hold us together, you knew that we would be okay. You knew you loved me. You knew. And now I can see better how you knew, you knew because you had trust in us. And I do too. I trust us and I trust you.
And after today, after spending this weekend with you and having such an amazing time I've realized something. I know my love for you will never die, I know that every single moment we spend together will make up for all those that we don't, when you are away. And here as you lie next to me, with no idea that I'm even writing this, I want you to know one thing... and I want the world to know it too.....
"After eight months of moments, of firsts and lasts, of love inside and out, of happiness and troubles, of laughter and tears, I love you more than I ever have before. And I know that my love will continue to grow, continue to thrive and continue to become more complete than it even is now. You are my only love, I truly know that. I want you forever, I want us forever. And even though this summer is going to be hard like it already is, I know that when you are back here always, it will be even better and it will all have been worth the pain of being away to be back together again. Happy Anniversary baby... you are the one and only love in my life and I forever do."
~Casey
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
"Momentous"
When did praying get so hard,
When did loving him become easier
Than painting my nails black and calling
Myself punk rock, when I was pink all along?
When did being alone become so lonely
When I’d lived it for 18 years and suddenly
He changed all that. One day changed 18 years.
Ironic isn’t it? When did my best friend leave
And why can’t I have that back again?
When did living on my own become the best
Thing that I’ve ever chosen to do and how long
Will it be until he’s back? How long till the roses
Don’t remind me of him not being here,
How many hours till faith comes back?
When did days of silence become years
Of noise and when did a baby brother
Become a silent man? Where along the road
Did father become friend after being enemy?
When did heart and soul become words to
Live by and where along the journey I took
Did alone mean something more than it ever did before?
Alone used to be alone in my room, alone with no
One to love. Now alone means wanting the only I love
To be back, missing him. Missing my one and only while
Being alone. Where did the days of doing nothing go?
18 years of being me has turned into 2 years of searching
for more. When did looking for answers get so hard?
When did praying get so hard?
When did loving him become easier
Than changing myself?
When did loving him become easier
Than painting my nails black and calling
Myself punk rock, when I was pink all along?
When did being alone become so lonely
When I’d lived it for 18 years and suddenly
He changed all that. One day changed 18 years.
Ironic isn’t it? When did my best friend leave
And why can’t I have that back again?
When did living on my own become the best
Thing that I’ve ever chosen to do and how long
Will it be until he’s back? How long till the roses
Don’t remind me of him not being here,
How many hours till faith comes back?
When did days of silence become years
Of noise and when did a baby brother
Become a silent man? Where along the road
Did father become friend after being enemy?
When did heart and soul become words to
Live by and where along the journey I took
Did alone mean something more than it ever did before?
Alone used to be alone in my room, alone with no
One to love. Now alone means wanting the only I love
To be back, missing him. Missing my one and only while
Being alone. Where did the days of doing nothing go?
18 years of being me has turned into 2 years of searching
for more. When did looking for answers get so hard?
When did praying get so hard?
When did loving him become easier
Than changing myself?
wondering
Ever wonder why life takes us where we go? How silence makes us think, sometimes we need it, sometimes it kills us: but none the less, we each need moments of silence, to grow or to heal it doesn't matter. Sometimes that's the same. Sometimes a moment alone is the best thing that ever happens to you. A moment to cry alone in a closet, a moment alone to think about where your life is ggoing, if it's right or if it's wrong. Sometimes you have to take a moment of silence in a church, in a confession to whom ever you pray, or a moment alone in the middle of a city, noise everywhere around you, but silent all the same. How beautiful silence is. How curing it is. How scary it is all the same.
A moment to yourself can help us find ourselves. It can show you the path you want and help lead you on to that. Ever wonder where you're going. Take a moment. Follow the footsteps laid out in front of you and just think... nothing else, think in the silence and go where it takes you.
A moment to yourself can help us find ourselves. It can show you the path you want and help lead you on to that. Ever wonder where you're going. Take a moment. Follow the footsteps laid out in front of you and just think... nothing else, think in the silence and go where it takes you.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
~not anymore
Breezy days take my breath away,
their stillness, their sultry silence moves
the day through me,
moves the wind, the waves, the faces in and out.
It loses me in the world,
so insignificant, losing track of what I used to have.
Lost calls, lost moments, lost magic,
where did it all go, when will it be back?
The silent days lose me also,
the drives to where I used to go,
the songs that used to make me melt,
remembering those breezy days we walked
all around, to the water and back,
where did they go.
and lately, the breeze loses me even more,
tears don't come, they've evolved into something more,
this is all something i can't control,
so why try anymore is how I feel.
Hmm, how I fell, ironic.
Breezy days take my breath away,
but not in a good way... not magical,
not mysterious, not momentous.
Not anymore.
their stillness, their sultry silence moves
the day through me,
moves the wind, the waves, the faces in and out.
It loses me in the world,
so insignificant, losing track of what I used to have.
Lost calls, lost moments, lost magic,
where did it all go, when will it be back?
The silent days lose me also,
the drives to where I used to go,
the songs that used to make me melt,
remembering those breezy days we walked
all around, to the water and back,
where did they go.
and lately, the breeze loses me even more,
tears don't come, they've evolved into something more,
this is all something i can't control,
so why try anymore is how I feel.
Hmm, how I fell, ironic.
Breezy days take my breath away,
but not in a good way... not magical,
not mysterious, not momentous.
Not anymore.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
*dedication*
IT must be so incredible, the feeling, the love inside at that moment. Wearing white, seeing him in black under rows and rows of tulips and roses, pink, white and red. It must change you, it must make you so scared and so happy at the same time, knowing that forever isn't long enough with him, but yet forever is so frightening to imagine. For he is yours for all time, for every single moment in your life and every single hour you breath. That moment must halt your breath, as you look down the aisle to your future,, hand in hand with the father that's always been the man in your life, through good and bad, through everything. And as he hands you off you are suddenly in a new relationship, one as bonding as your's and your father's but deeper and even more everlasting. It must be magic as you know it's really happened, you're really married to that man you love to deeply. It must be insane the feeling you have, the realization of where you are and what you're doing, wearing the most beautiful gown you've ever imagined, staring into his eyes and suddenly, nothing else in the entire world matters at all. That moment he slips the ring on your finger and that moment when love can live forever and only die when you let it. That moment is forever, it's not taken lightly,, it's not "until we don't feel like it anymore," it's forever,for always, until the end. That moment must be so incredible, the feeling, the love inside you at that moment. WEaring white must be the best day of your life.
**Congrats Dez. May love stay with you always.*
**Congrats Dez. May love stay with you always.*
Monday, May 22, 2006
~*i fell in love again*~
This weekend I feel back in love all over again with that boy I love so much. I found the truth that had been missing while he was gone, the moments we shared, the time alone just lying next to each other. I found love all over again and realized that he is the boy I want forever, he is the one I want. And I know there will be times when we both struggle with love, when we both are struggling to balance all the commitments in our lives and the growth of each of our lives on their own and with each other. But you know, I don't care, it doesn't matter what I end having to leave behind because I would for him. I think we can both have everything we've always wanted, but if I have to wait a little longer to achieve those, then at least I'll have him to hold at night, him to talk to when I'm upset and him to sit with on our porch with our dogs, just relaxing and looking into each other's eyes knowing that "I forever do" is real and always will be.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
growing up... embracing it
I dont think I've ever been on such a roller coaster as this year has been. I was down as deep as I've ever been last summer, as my mother called it "my dark period" was tough for me, leaving friends, my home, my whole life and leaving it behind for something I didn't like and a summer drifting from one place to another, always alone. Then the fall came and I came to school, started life on my own and then I fell in love as deeply as I ever could. I grew up a lot this year, with responsibilities, a new life, an apartment, a boyfriend, I matured quite quickly to make up for the maturity I already did not have. And as I grew, I expected everyone else in my life to mature too and to grow up as I had to and was expected to.
People let me down this year, friends became more like burdens, some at least, and I found that my time alone was spent recovering from the day, thinking and sometimes scared to death of what was going on and what I would I end up doing or being. Looking back, there was a time in January/February that really hit me hard, I was totally lost, unable to really talk to anyone, a time when suddenly the aura of falling love was gone, the responsibility was back and I felt like I was drifting. I was down again and had to pick myself back up, change things up and start over. Again I grew up from that and realized that sometimes all you can do is count on yourself.
And then after a few months of bliss, becoming so close to the boy I love I lost him again. I went from being so high to falling so low emotionallly. My whole life changed once again and after a year of ups and downs all I wanted was a steady solid summer, no emotional tragedies, no emotional upheavels... yet that's not what happened, and that's not life. AFter a few long days of tears and looking at old photos I found myself again and embraced the silence, making it my own and using it as time to think and time to be who I used to be. I grew up again, changed again, altered my life once again and thouggh some days are still hard for me, some days the tears just won't stop falling and I am so dissapointed in the people around me because it seems all I have is myself.
But then I sit here in my fabulous apartment, looking out the open window at a concrete town that has changed me into who I am and let me grow up here, feel at home here and I realize that even though maybe sometimes all I have is myself to lean on, to talk to, to know, I am still in love and I care for him so deeply, more than anyone I've ever known. And in him, someday maybe he'll grow to see the city and the life I live attractive and come to embrace it as well. Maybe someday I won't have to grow up alone, someday someone will be beside me as I grow and they will protect me from the roller coaster I've lived and keep me headed up toward the sky, neve letting me go toward the ground again.
People let me down this year, friends became more like burdens, some at least, and I found that my time alone was spent recovering from the day, thinking and sometimes scared to death of what was going on and what I would I end up doing or being. Looking back, there was a time in January/February that really hit me hard, I was totally lost, unable to really talk to anyone, a time when suddenly the aura of falling love was gone, the responsibility was back and I felt like I was drifting. I was down again and had to pick myself back up, change things up and start over. Again I grew up from that and realized that sometimes all you can do is count on yourself.
And then after a few months of bliss, becoming so close to the boy I love I lost him again. I went from being so high to falling so low emotionallly. My whole life changed once again and after a year of ups and downs all I wanted was a steady solid summer, no emotional tragedies, no emotional upheavels... yet that's not what happened, and that's not life. AFter a few long days of tears and looking at old photos I found myself again and embraced the silence, making it my own and using it as time to think and time to be who I used to be. I grew up again, changed again, altered my life once again and thouggh some days are still hard for me, some days the tears just won't stop falling and I am so dissapointed in the people around me because it seems all I have is myself.
But then I sit here in my fabulous apartment, looking out the open window at a concrete town that has changed me into who I am and let me grow up here, feel at home here and I realize that even though maybe sometimes all I have is myself to lean on, to talk to, to know, I am still in love and I care for him so deeply, more than anyone I've ever known. And in him, someday maybe he'll grow to see the city and the life I live attractive and come to embrace it as well. Maybe someday I won't have to grow up alone, someday someone will be beside me as I grow and they will protect me from the roller coaster I've lived and keep me headed up toward the sky, neve letting me go toward the ground again.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
sure as hell
I'm not so sure what I'm feeling right now, I don't know where I am in my mind, all I know is that when I think about it, I'm not even close to where I want to be. I don't know if it's too much alone time these days to sit and think, or not enough sleep or too much running through my head, but I do know that someday soon I want to feel good in my own skin, feel beautiful without having someone have to tell me. I want to listen to sad music and appreciate it but feel fabulous still, feel happy. I want to trust people and look past all their flaws, I want to have a friend that doens't want anything of me except my company sometimes. I want a world where no one tells me.. ."i'm gonna tell you this, but don't tell anyone else." I want to take naps on the roofop under the sun and write about a new topic every single time i sit down. I don't know what's running through my head as I write this... it's weird, itt's foreign, not who I used to be. I don't know though whether better or worse, who knows anymore... I sure as hell don't.
Monday, May 15, 2006
*** just dreaming ****
What do you do when all your dreams come true? Where will I be when they all become reality and who will be there with me? Will I smile on my wedding day in a simple gown and white ballet flats and look into the eyes of my husband knowing that forever is not long enough? Will I get a kiss under the eiffel tower and a proposal under the stars? Will I accomplish all I want to? and will my life go the way I want it to? But no matter what happens I'll survive, I'll live as me and I'll live as the person I become, making friends, keeping old ones and loving forever. Dreams are only as real as you make them... may my dreams and yours stay as real as they may for all the years to come.
baby you're my weakness
When you say my name I melt,
when the music plays and all I see is you,
I can't stop myself from your spell,
baby your my weakness.
When I see you smile at me from a ways away,
and when I'm in your arms,
I can't stop thinking about forever,
baby your my weakness.
And baby here tonight,
as the sky is sweaty and still,
humid and brisk,
baby you're my weakness
and when the music plays and your eyes meet mine,
I would stay weak my whole life to keep you as my weakness.
when the music plays and all I see is you,
I can't stop myself from your spell,
baby your my weakness.
When I see you smile at me from a ways away,
and when I'm in your arms,
I can't stop thinking about forever,
baby your my weakness.
And baby here tonight,
as the sky is sweaty and still,
humid and brisk,
baby you're my weakness
and when the music plays and your eyes meet mine,
I would stay weak my whole life to keep you as my weakness.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
shadows
Shadows can follow you closely,
they can take over others in your presence,
and drown them without light.
I'm a shadow somedays,
others I'm the sun casting them.
We all have moments in the shadows,
some last for days, some for months,
some rub off on those around them
and some become seperate from who we
thought we'd be.
Shadows can be dark or opaque,
they can take over, conquer and elapse time,
but in the end, they are a part of us and always will be
as long as the sun continues to rise.
they can take over others in your presence,
and drown them without light.
I'm a shadow somedays,
others I'm the sun casting them.
We all have moments in the shadows,
some last for days, some for months,
some rub off on those around them
and some become seperate from who we
thought we'd be.
Shadows can be dark or opaque,
they can take over, conquer and elapse time,
but in the end, they are a part of us and always will be
as long as the sun continues to rise.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
forever do
Today was a new day, a new chance, and I took it. today I was happy, I enjoyed myself and though I still missed you my love, I was stronger than I've been. And that's how I need to take each day from now on and I know some will be tough,, some will drag on forever and some I'll cry at night and need to hear your voice deep into the night. But some will be happy, some will work out, some will make me smile and laugh at stupid things that only you and I understand.
And I want you to know something. I could never love anyone like I love you, I could neverr love as deep as I love you, you're mine and I forever do. I can't wait to see where life takes us, I can't wait till october 4th, I can't wait till the moment when our futures truly come together and those moments are what are keeping me going. Those moments are what make me smile and laugh and remember how it used to be when you were always here. those moments and hopes are the driving force that keep the tears out of my eyes and the hurt out of my heart.
So tongiht and always my love, I love you with all my heart, all my soul and I truly mean I forever do.
And I want you to know something. I could never love anyone like I love you, I could neverr love as deep as I love you, you're mine and I forever do. I can't wait to see where life takes us, I can't wait till october 4th, I can't wait till the moment when our futures truly come together and those moments are what are keeping me going. Those moments are what make me smile and laugh and remember how it used to be when you were always here. those moments and hopes are the driving force that keep the tears out of my eyes and the hurt out of my heart.
So tongiht and always my love, I love you with all my heart, all my soul and I truly mean I forever do.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
warning: sick of everything
As a warning ahead of time, this is going to be all over the place, everywhere I am, everywhere I'm not... hold on, this post will be a ride, everything inside my head, and every single thing inside my heart.
There is always something that drives each and everyone of us and something that kills us. For me lately, more has been killing me than driving me, even as hard as I try to be strong, to live just as myself and forget the huge, ugly and tearful journey ahead of me, it all tends to end in negativity and tears. No tears are not sign of weakness, they are not flaws, they are dissapointment and heartache, they are being scared to death of living a summer over that almost killed me before. They are falling because I'm dissapointed in something, someone, who knows. I have people asking why it's happening a certain way, why something isn't here... and i'm wondering myself, if I'm not good enough. If it's me, if somewhere it says something that i'm not worth giving something up. i don't know... and i don't know if any of that makes sense, but the more i think about it, the more i wonder, the more i cry and the more i look out my window and see the empty parking space just wishing and praying that somehow he'll drive up and surprise me on that street corner, making all my wishes come true and all my tears go away.
No one quite understands my issues with goodbyes, with letting go, with losing everything with no choice at all. No one understands the thoughts and hurt I felt when i left my home 8 years ago and left for a foreign place a million miles away and half way across the globe. No one realizes that it killed me, that all i knew what taken without anyone asking me if they could. Then 8 years later, again in one of the most crutial times of my life again all was taken, no permission asked, no considering what i needed, what i felt, where i needed to be. i thought i'd die last summer, i thought the days would never end and that somehow it would get better, and then it finally did, my whole world changed and i had everything i needed, everything i'd ever wanted, i fell in love and thought for sure i'd never have to say goodbye again. i thought for sure this time my permission would be asked, my thoughts considered, my tears would count for something.
but that never happened, nothing changed and i should've known it wouldn't. I just thought maybe for once i wouldnl't have to say goodbye, that once i could have a summer that meant something and that didn't make me cry every night. Maybe once I wouldn't be lonely and left alone to do it by myself. I should've known that wouldn't happen, i should've known i wouldnt have even been asked or considered. i guess it's just my fate, it's what i have to deal with.
i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of hoping i'll see him pull up, i'm tired of no one understanding and everyone taking out their issues over mine, like mine never matter, that everyone else's are more important and harder to understand than my own. i hate saying goodbye and i hate sitting and crying alone looking out at the city so beautiful but yet so hopeless at the same time. i'm tired of no one having the time for me when i give it all to them all the time, i'm tired of being pushed around and used for things. all i want to do is fly away somewhere and never cry again, knwoing that the next few months are going to be amazing and for once in my life have a summer that i enjoy.
There is always something that drives each and everyone of us and something that kills us. For me lately, more has been killing me than driving me, even as hard as I try to be strong, to live just as myself and forget the huge, ugly and tearful journey ahead of me, it all tends to end in negativity and tears. No tears are not sign of weakness, they are not flaws, they are dissapointment and heartache, they are being scared to death of living a summer over that almost killed me before. They are falling because I'm dissapointed in something, someone, who knows. I have people asking why it's happening a certain way, why something isn't here... and i'm wondering myself, if I'm not good enough. If it's me, if somewhere it says something that i'm not worth giving something up. i don't know... and i don't know if any of that makes sense, but the more i think about it, the more i wonder, the more i cry and the more i look out my window and see the empty parking space just wishing and praying that somehow he'll drive up and surprise me on that street corner, making all my wishes come true and all my tears go away.
No one quite understands my issues with goodbyes, with letting go, with losing everything with no choice at all. No one understands the thoughts and hurt I felt when i left my home 8 years ago and left for a foreign place a million miles away and half way across the globe. No one realizes that it killed me, that all i knew what taken without anyone asking me if they could. Then 8 years later, again in one of the most crutial times of my life again all was taken, no permission asked, no considering what i needed, what i felt, where i needed to be. i thought i'd die last summer, i thought the days would never end and that somehow it would get better, and then it finally did, my whole world changed and i had everything i needed, everything i'd ever wanted, i fell in love and thought for sure i'd never have to say goodbye again. i thought for sure this time my permission would be asked, my thoughts considered, my tears would count for something.
but that never happened, nothing changed and i should've known it wouldn't. I just thought maybe for once i wouldnl't have to say goodbye, that once i could have a summer that meant something and that didn't make me cry every night. Maybe once I wouldn't be lonely and left alone to do it by myself. I should've known that wouldn't happen, i should've known i wouldnt have even been asked or considered. i guess it's just my fate, it's what i have to deal with.
i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of hoping i'll see him pull up, i'm tired of no one understanding and everyone taking out their issues over mine, like mine never matter, that everyone else's are more important and harder to understand than my own. i hate saying goodbye and i hate sitting and crying alone looking out at the city so beautiful but yet so hopeless at the same time. i'm tired of no one having the time for me when i give it all to them all the time, i'm tired of being pushed around and used for things. all i want to do is fly away somewhere and never cry again, knwoing that the next few months are going to be amazing and for once in my life have a summer that i enjoy.
Monday, May 08, 2006
summer past
It's not fair, these tears aren't fair,
this lonliness isn't fair,
why on the one day when I needed her
was she not there for me?
Why did fifteen minutes away seem like a million
and why am i alone here when I need someone the most?
It's not fair that I cry these tears,
for they are all too familliar of a summer past
filled with fear and lonliness... why
do I have to go through that once again?
Why am I fated for this lonliness I feel?
It's not fair that I lay here alone,
it's not fair that so many others have it so much easier,
it's not fair that I have no one here, what did I do to
deserve this?
i'm sorry I'm not stronger than this... I'm sorry I have to be
writing this, but if I wasn't,
these tears would be for no reason.
I've stayed strong all day,
kept all those tears and thoughts inside,
but here I am, can't do it anymore,
if I can't talk to anyone about it, then I'll write
and cry wishing away a day lost to lonliness.
It's not fair and I can't get through another summer
like the last,
if this keeps up,
I don't know if I have the strength to make it through.
this lonliness isn't fair,
why on the one day when I needed her
was she not there for me?
Why did fifteen minutes away seem like a million
and why am i alone here when I need someone the most?
It's not fair that I cry these tears,
for they are all too familliar of a summer past
filled with fear and lonliness... why
do I have to go through that once again?
Why am I fated for this lonliness I feel?
It's not fair that I lay here alone,
it's not fair that so many others have it so much easier,
it's not fair that I have no one here, what did I do to
deserve this?
i'm sorry I'm not stronger than this... I'm sorry I have to be
writing this, but if I wasn't,
these tears would be for no reason.
I've stayed strong all day,
kept all those tears and thoughts inside,
but here I am, can't do it anymore,
if I can't talk to anyone about it, then I'll write
and cry wishing away a day lost to lonliness.
It's not fair and I can't get through another summer
like the last,
if this keeps up,
I don't know if I have the strength to make it through.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
imagine
Here I am awake again,
staring all around me as if you weren't leaving,
trying to imagine where i'll be tomorrow when you're gone,
and the next day and the next.
Here I am staring out at the city lights,
the night that encases me,
and the notes you left me taped on my window,
the skyline of this concrete town I love so god damn much
and the three tiny words that can make or break any
relationship but that give ours wings to fly.
"I love you" it says, just like I try to imagine
you'll be here next to me saying it.
Here I am awake early in the evening,
waiting for tomorrow to never come
so I don't have to say that goodbye I'm dreading so god damn much.
You kknow I have a hard time with goodbyes,
a hard time with saying them, living them, losing them.
I know it will be okay, but it won't be great, not fabulous, not brilliant,
just okay. But we'll make it through.
I'll just keep imagining you here with me
and the day when you'll be back here,
when we'll be together, never apart again.
It will be hard for me,
but here I am, still a live, I can do this, you can do this,
we can do this, we did it for 18 years.
But here we are, we can't do it for 2, 3 month,
we can, we really can.
I'll just imagine you're hear, that you're sitting with Yoda
right behind me on my bed, that you're in the other room,
that you're sleeping beside me once again.
Imagine life as I'm right there with you,
imagine my hand in yours, iimagine my soul in yours,
in our imaginations we'll make it through by looking
at "i love you" and the cityscape on my window,
leading me on to that day when I don't have to imagine ever again.
staring all around me as if you weren't leaving,
trying to imagine where i'll be tomorrow when you're gone,
and the next day and the next.
Here I am staring out at the city lights,
the night that encases me,
and the notes you left me taped on my window,
the skyline of this concrete town I love so god damn much
and the three tiny words that can make or break any
relationship but that give ours wings to fly.
"I love you" it says, just like I try to imagine
you'll be here next to me saying it.
Here I am awake early in the evening,
waiting for tomorrow to never come
so I don't have to say that goodbye I'm dreading so god damn much.
You kknow I have a hard time with goodbyes,
a hard time with saying them, living them, losing them.
I know it will be okay, but it won't be great, not fabulous, not brilliant,
just okay. But we'll make it through.
I'll just keep imagining you here with me
and the day when you'll be back here,
when we'll be together, never apart again.
It will be hard for me,
but here I am, still a live, I can do this, you can do this,
we can do this, we did it for 18 years.
But here we are, we can't do it for 2, 3 month,
we can, we really can.
I'll just imagine you're hear, that you're sitting with Yoda
right behind me on my bed, that you're in the other room,
that you're sleeping beside me once again.
Imagine life as I'm right there with you,
imagine my hand in yours, iimagine my soul in yours,
in our imaginations we'll make it through by looking
at "i love you" and the cityscape on my window,
leading me on to that day when I don't have to imagine ever again.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
It's gonna be okay
I know it'll be okay, we're strong, we're right, we're real. Don't be sad my love, don't hang your head, don't silence your mind... it's gonna be alright, no matter what anyone says. We are gonna make it, we'll be strong, steady, real, right through the months that are to come. It's an obstacle for us to go through to prove ourselves to each other, to show our commitment, to show each other and everyone else it's real, and that it always will be. It's gonna be alright and together we'll stay strong, it's gonna be okay because we have each other through it all. And when I say forever baby, I mean it, when I say for always, I mean it,, you're my one and only and we're gonna be alright, I know we will be. Don't be sad my love, our love will save us and carry us through it. Our faith in each other will take us through the maze and lead us to the ending at the other end, reuniting our souls forever and for always, my love.
Sex and the City
though it sounds weird, Sex and the City always makes me think. It provokes things in me that I otherwiise might never come out. The idea that life can put you through so many obstacles and you always end up coming back to some point again, a point where everything makes sense, where everything becomes real again, and right. So someday when I'm older and richer and hopefully wiser, I''ll look backk on that show I liked so much and find a part of me that was hiding for so long, awakened to a new day and time when something real and right will come and in a moment, a new part of me will emerge. And I can't wait for that revelation and that second when everrything ends up where it should.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
time to grow up yet still hold on a little
I'm sorry I've been gone
for a while. It's been so long since I've been home,
alone with you, with all of you.
I feel almost like I've abandoned you,
like I've left a piece of myself there and
that's good enough.
I've left the pictures and the bed, the few clothes
in the closet and I've acted as if that's good enough,
like that makes up for me not being there through all this.
It's been hard for me to find a balance
witih all l have up here, with more family,
friends and love.
It seems like I was being pulled so hard
to find my own life, taking advice to move on,
become my own person,
on my own.
And yet, I know you probably think I believe
my life here is more important than you,
but I know it's not... it's just reality.
It's just me growing up, moving on.
I'm sorry I've been away so long,
life got too busy and I failed to see where I was,
and neglected you, your lives, my old life there with you.
I became my own person, but perhaps at the expense of
us, all of us.
I promise that will change,
I promise soon I'll be a part of it again,
soon I'll be there to hold all of your hands,
to walk with you and lend a helping piece of advice.
Soon the wait will be over,
and my life will be part of yours, ours, once again.
*Sometimes it seems so hard when we are being pulled one way to grow up and be on our own and yet then on the other hand we feel like we have to stay and be with the family we grew up in, almost like they need us there. But I've learned that you can't stay there forever, you have to grow up no matter who it hurts or who it helps. We all have to face the reality that someday we can't rely on mom and dad, someday we have to whither away those chains and turn them into strings that still attacch but aren't so prominant and violently addictive. Sometimes all we need is to find a balance, become ourselves, grow up on our own and hold onto those strings when it's needed and all will be alright.
for a while. It's been so long since I've been home,
alone with you, with all of you.
I feel almost like I've abandoned you,
like I've left a piece of myself there and
that's good enough.
I've left the pictures and the bed, the few clothes
in the closet and I've acted as if that's good enough,
like that makes up for me not being there through all this.
It's been hard for me to find a balance
witih all l have up here, with more family,
friends and love.
It seems like I was being pulled so hard
to find my own life, taking advice to move on,
become my own person,
on my own.
And yet, I know you probably think I believe
my life here is more important than you,
but I know it's not... it's just reality.
It's just me growing up, moving on.
I'm sorry I've been away so long,
life got too busy and I failed to see where I was,
and neglected you, your lives, my old life there with you.
I became my own person, but perhaps at the expense of
us, all of us.
I promise that will change,
I promise soon I'll be a part of it again,
soon I'll be there to hold all of your hands,
to walk with you and lend a helping piece of advice.
Soon the wait will be over,
and my life will be part of yours, ours, once again.
*Sometimes it seems so hard when we are being pulled one way to grow up and be on our own and yet then on the other hand we feel like we have to stay and be with the family we grew up in, almost like they need us there. But I've learned that you can't stay there forever, you have to grow up no matter who it hurts or who it helps. We all have to face the reality that someday we can't rely on mom and dad, someday we have to whither away those chains and turn them into strings that still attacch but aren't so prominant and violently addictive. Sometimes all we need is to find a balance, become ourselves, grow up on our own and hold onto those strings when it's needed and all will be alright.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
damn summer
You know, when I set out this evening preparing to make a new post, finding my inspiration to write about, I had a totally different state of mind, a totally different attitude on what is coming up soon in my life and I had a very negative outlook (to put it gently). Until one small moment as I emerged from a bubble bath and was met with a kiss and a dove dark chocolate. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and no matter how small or insignficant it may seem, sometimes all we need is a little reminder or something that will push us forward to where we need to go, give us a little hint of guidance. For me, tonight my little reminder that ended up changing my mind completely was a Dove dark chocolate candy wrapper and inside it said "don't think about it so much." This particular statement shocked me, because for the last twenty minutes or so during my bubble bath I had been comptemplating the next few months. They are going to be extremely hard for me, I know that ahead of time. For the next couple months, the boy I love with everything I have will not be here with me. I won't see him everyday and I won't have him here beside me, to hold me or wake up next to. He will be five hours away and in a place that I could still be going home to if something had not changed my fate.
But after that candy wrapper, I realized that I can't think about it so much and I have to embrace the good. I will still see him, that is better than nothing I suppose. And I kknow we'll both make an effort to be together, even if we're not in the same place. It works, people do it and love survives. I know we'll be alright, we'll makke it through and keep our love alive. He is my life, my everything, the love of my life and I will see it through until we are back together again. That candy wrapper taught me something tonight, it showed me that thinking about it doesn't do anything, it only makes me feel worse in the end. IT showed me that this summer will help both of grow as well as making ourr love grow stronger.
And just now as I looked back and saw him on my bed as he doesn't even know I'm writing about him, he has no idea how much this summer is going to kill me inside, how many nnights I'll cry, how many days I'll live wishing he was here beside me. But I'll make it, no matter what I have to go through to make it, I'll make it, we'll make it. I am just warning ahead of time, I'm going to try to make the best of this,, but it's going to be hard no doubt. I knwo I'll cry, I'll scream, I'll sit alone in the dark and write my heart out just to stay sane. So my love, I might break a bit, chip off a piece of myself or two, but I'll still be here when you get back, and we'll be better than we've ever been, I promise with all my heart and soul. I'm yours, I always will be.
But after that candy wrapper, I realized that I can't think about it so much and I have to embrace the good. I will still see him, that is better than nothing I suppose. And I kknow we'll both make an effort to be together, even if we're not in the same place. It works, people do it and love survives. I know we'll be alright, we'll makke it through and keep our love alive. He is my life, my everything, the love of my life and I will see it through until we are back together again. That candy wrapper taught me something tonight, it showed me that thinking about it doesn't do anything, it only makes me feel worse in the end. IT showed me that this summer will help both of grow as well as making ourr love grow stronger.
And just now as I looked back and saw him on my bed as he doesn't even know I'm writing about him, he has no idea how much this summer is going to kill me inside, how many nnights I'll cry, how many days I'll live wishing he was here beside me. But I'll make it, no matter what I have to go through to make it, I'll make it, we'll make it. I am just warning ahead of time, I'm going to try to make the best of this,, but it's going to be hard no doubt. I knwo I'll cry, I'll scream, I'll sit alone in the dark and write my heart out just to stay sane. So my love, I might break a bit, chip off a piece of myself or two, but I'll still be here when you get back, and we'll be better than we've ever been, I promise with all my heart and soul. I'm yours, I always will be.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
diet coke cans and candy wrappers
Here I am, alone for the first time in a long time. Alone against the night, alone against the day, alone. And beside me is a constant reminder of you: your phone, left here laying alone among the bed blankets and the famed remote controls. To the other side of me is an airhead wrapper and on the table, two easter baskets, yours and mine. And that's how my whole life is these days: yours and mine, hearts, thoughts, prayers. Ordinarily I'd be mad about the wrapper, the diet coke cans left all over and your bag opened and spilling out hanging over the chair. But as I think about it, I realized tonight that you are the most important thing in my life and no matter what happens, what comes up in our lives, i'll always be there to support you in whatever you choose. And if it turns out we're not supposed to be the people we think we'll be, I'll still be there, always, forever. So in those diet coke cans, wrappers and easter baskets, in your phone and your bag spilling open over the edge of the chair, I've realized: i'll always be there, cmart will always listen :-)
Sunday, April 09, 2006
~exaclty~
Do you ever feel those moments when you just look at someone and smile because that moment could not be anymore perfect? When you realize the life you're living is totally perfect and more moments are taking your breath away than you are breathing and when you see the city has cured every bad moment in your life, every spell of disaster, every ounce of unhonest battles you've encountered. Do you ever have that tiny second when you look at the boy you love and know he's the only one that's right for you, when you'd do anything for him? When every inch of his skin is right for you, when nohting is wrong with him, he is perfect in every flawless way. Do you ever look out at the city, watch the lights flicker in the distance and glitter against the black night sky and know that no moment could be better than what you're living right now? When every star in the night sky lends itself to you for the split second of majesty and when nothing can tackle you down, when nothing can shake you from where you are, because where you are is exaclty where you're supposed to be.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Lucky Penny
Wish on a star for you might fall in love,
Toss a coin, pick up a lucky penny,
Don’t step on a crack, you might break your mother’s
Back, and we wouldn’t dare risk that, now would we?
Don’t break mirrors, don’t tell a dancer good luck.
Make a wish as you drive through a tunnel and hold
Your breath or when the clock strikes 3:33 or 11:11.
Get kissed in the rain for luck and don’t walk along
The railroad tracks.
I’d do anything for luck for in the simple ways of life,
We become dependent on these simple tricks.
Yet believe in them, some believing in these more
Than faith in something spiritual.
So how does that define us saying we’ll wish upon stars
And hold our breath as the tunnel passes,
But we cannot pray?
Perhaps wishing seems more real in
A concrete world. Perhaps dreams live in wishes
And good luck: for we are all dreamers.
Perhaps it is because a lucky penny is real.
Perhaps because myths passed down through the ages,
About not stepping on cracks,
About breaking mirrors or kissing in the rain
Are old, real, dreams of ancient people just like us.
It’s all about dreams, dreams that defined them then.
And dreams that we want to define us now.
Wish upon a star and you might fall in love.
Isn’t that a dream worth dreaming for?
Toss a coin, pick up a lucky penny,
Don’t step on a crack, you might break your mother’s
Back, and we wouldn’t dare risk that, now would we?
Don’t break mirrors, don’t tell a dancer good luck.
Make a wish as you drive through a tunnel and hold
Your breath or when the clock strikes 3:33 or 11:11.
Get kissed in the rain for luck and don’t walk along
The railroad tracks.
I’d do anything for luck for in the simple ways of life,
We become dependent on these simple tricks.
Yet believe in them, some believing in these more
Than faith in something spiritual.
So how does that define us saying we’ll wish upon stars
And hold our breath as the tunnel passes,
But we cannot pray?
Perhaps wishing seems more real in
A concrete world. Perhaps dreams live in wishes
And good luck: for we are all dreamers.
Perhaps it is because a lucky penny is real.
Perhaps because myths passed down through the ages,
About not stepping on cracks,
About breaking mirrors or kissing in the rain
Are old, real, dreams of ancient people just like us.
It’s all about dreams, dreams that defined them then.
And dreams that we want to define us now.
Wish upon a star and you might fall in love.
Isn’t that a dream worth dreaming for?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
~breathing on this 6th month~
There are moments in life that cannot replace anything else. There are people in life that will always be loved and that will always be a part of you, no matter what happens in the end. We experience things with people, we form relationships, bonds and we make moments with them, big and small, significant and insignificant, memorable and also forgettable ones. No matter how far away we are from those people or where they are today, we have so much to keep of them in our hearts. Those moments we made will stay forever, good or bad, small or big; it doesn't matter except the memories.
I have met many people that stay in my memories, people that changed me, that meant something to me, people that I loved and formed bonds with. But none have touched me the way one person has. He has changed my whole world and showed me how to love, how to open my heart, how to let someone else completely in and not be afraid to show my heart. The moments and memories with him are by far some of the most important of my entire life and nothing can take those from my heart.
Keep those moments dear, hold them close to your soul and live on them, use them to breathe when all else is gone. For in the end, it doesn't matter how many breaths you took, it only matter how many moments took your breath away.
I have met many people that stay in my memories, people that changed me, that meant something to me, people that I loved and formed bonds with. But none have touched me the way one person has. He has changed my whole world and showed me how to love, how to open my heart, how to let someone else completely in and not be afraid to show my heart. The moments and memories with him are by far some of the most important of my entire life and nothing can take those from my heart.
Keep those moments dear, hold them close to your soul and live on them, use them to breathe when all else is gone. For in the end, it doesn't matter how many breaths you took, it only matter how many moments took your breath away.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
from the desert
I. Sometimes all we need is a moment alone in an isolated place to realize what we have, what we had and who we are: who we've always been. The world will speak to you when you're in isolation: life willl show you truth and faith and light. And in a moment alone, the world is yours: inspiration runs free, touching every section of skin exposed and available. In a simple section of the world, different than what you're used to, nature will touch you and lead you toward the truest truth you've ever known.
II. Some parts of me are still finding themselves. Some parts of me find comfort in the wind at the coast, the waves of salt washing upon millions of grains of sand, getting lost as the wind sweeps the sand across tiny landscapes of coastline. Other parts of me could live forever sitting in front of the river, watching as I sit on that same bench, as the clouds sweep across the gray-white-lined sky and the waves splash against themselves until satisfied. Though still, some parts of me still long for the desert, that home that stretched for unkown miles, tents and camels lining horizons, the sun hotter than Hell itself, but soothing in all the same likeness. The sand sweeping dunes out of thin air and feeling the too-hot sand under my feet. It's where I grew up, it's who I was and always is going to be a part of me. Some parts of me are found. Some, yet others, are still hidden inside waiting to live again.
III. It can only take a simple thing to make you realize where you came from. No one can take that away from you. No one can change the way you felt standing on the dunes of your life, your world: the only you knew. It only takes a second to show you who you were and to realize: you'll always be that person, you might just need a little inspiration to get your heart back to where it began.
II. Some parts of me are still finding themselves. Some parts of me find comfort in the wind at the coast, the waves of salt washing upon millions of grains of sand, getting lost as the wind sweeps the sand across tiny landscapes of coastline. Other parts of me could live forever sitting in front of the river, watching as I sit on that same bench, as the clouds sweep across the gray-white-lined sky and the waves splash against themselves until satisfied. Though still, some parts of me still long for the desert, that home that stretched for unkown miles, tents and camels lining horizons, the sun hotter than Hell itself, but soothing in all the same likeness. The sand sweeping dunes out of thin air and feeling the too-hot sand under my feet. It's where I grew up, it's who I was and always is going to be a part of me. Some parts of me are found. Some, yet others, are still hidden inside waiting to live again.
III. It can only take a simple thing to make you realize where you came from. No one can take that away from you. No one can change the way you felt standing on the dunes of your life, your world: the only you knew. It only takes a second to show you who you were and to realize: you'll always be that person, you might just need a little inspiration to get your heart back to where it began.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
otherwise....
When dreams feel reachable and tulips become more than just flowers, I've know I've been in love. When even after so many months of nothing but each other, I still want to see him everyday, I still miss him when I'm gone and his simple picture cures my lonliness for a few more moments until I hear his voice. When I can't go a day without speaking to him or touching him, when anything is possible in his deep green eyes, hazel if you must. When diet coke and dark chocolate mean more than just that and when House doesn't mean a structure you live in. When adding up every moment, successes and mistakes, and when coming to the conclusion that it all adds to being good, positive, then you have found love you might never have again... hold on to. For you don't know when it could come crashing down, fall apart or other wise lose hope.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Stunned and Satisfied
I'll be there someday,
standing on those steps,
watching the stars cover up the moon,
in the glow of stardust and dreams.
I'll fall from those steps,
fall into your arms and lay there: stunned
and satisfied in your embrace.
I'll watch the moon lower into the horizon
and dream of moments that could never
be as perfect as this one.
I'll be there someday,
upon that hill watching people fall in and out
of love, in that church watching weddings that
will never live up to what I expect from love.
I'll be there someday, dreams upon dreams,
in moments that should be special,
but in my heart, nothing will ever be as special
as my moment with you.
I'll be there someday, standing on those steps,
watching the stars cover up the moon,
in the glow of stardust and dreams.
And from those steps I'll fall into another dream,
into you arms and lay there: stunned and satisfied,
as all my dreams come true in your eyes.
standing on those steps,
watching the stars cover up the moon,
in the glow of stardust and dreams.
I'll fall from those steps,
fall into your arms and lay there: stunned
and satisfied in your embrace.
I'll watch the moon lower into the horizon
and dream of moments that could never
be as perfect as this one.
I'll be there someday,
upon that hill watching people fall in and out
of love, in that church watching weddings that
will never live up to what I expect from love.
I'll be there someday, dreams upon dreams,
in moments that should be special,
but in my heart, nothing will ever be as special
as my moment with you.
I'll be there someday, standing on those steps,
watching the stars cover up the moon,
in the glow of stardust and dreams.
And from those steps I'll fall into another dream,
into you arms and lay there: stunned and satisfied,
as all my dreams come true in your eyes.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
List of Dreams: Dream on Forever
If you know me you know that live off of dark chocolate and especially Dove Dark Chocolates. And in each tiny chocolate, as you unwrap the wrapper, inside is a small message and today it particularly caught my attention. Also if you know me, dreams are incredibly imporatnt to me and I believe that dreams shape who we become and show us our true selves. So when I saw on that wrapper today: Make a list of your dreams, I realized that I really needed to do that. That my dreams will only become real if I realize them and make them real. So here it is: my list of dreams.
1. Live in Paris for a year
2. Marry a man I love with no reservation (I have an idea of who)
3. Get married in a small, intimate ceremony in simple vintage, antigue dress with the aisle covered in white rose petals
4. Travel after I get married
5. adopt a dog and name it "Paris"
6. have a townhouse/apartment on a riverfront in some city (doesn't have to be Portland)
7. find exaclty my faith (something I'm strugglingg with right now)
8. write a book and publish it
9. be taken up in a hot air balloon over Paris
10. stand in the rain and think of nothing else at all, just take in the magic of it all
12. to witness a miracle
13. to look back on all my years and smile rather than keep regret
14. to have a beautiful house someday with a desk overlooking some sort of beautiful scene where I can sit and write anytime I want
15. to write something that means something true to someone
16. that my writing changes someone's life
17. to finally buy my Audi TT convertible
18. to have a small cottage at the beach that I can escape to when I need some time away
19. Keep my relationship with my aunt: she is so important to me even though she needs a little help sometimes
20. Watch my brother grow up
21. to keep dreaming
22. to meet Kobe Bryant
23. Sit at a cafe in Paris with my husband and just smile at him over a cup of coffee
24. to see the Eiffel Tower lit up at night and be kissed in the moonlight
25. to live happily ever after for the rest of my life with the boy I fell in love with at 18
1. Live in Paris for a year
2. Marry a man I love with no reservation (I have an idea of who)
3. Get married in a small, intimate ceremony in simple vintage, antigue dress with the aisle covered in white rose petals
4. Travel after I get married
5. adopt a dog and name it "Paris"
6. have a townhouse/apartment on a riverfront in some city (doesn't have to be Portland)
7. find exaclty my faith (something I'm strugglingg with right now)
8. write a book and publish it
9. be taken up in a hot air balloon over Paris
10. stand in the rain and think of nothing else at all, just take in the magic of it all
12. to witness a miracle
13. to look back on all my years and smile rather than keep regret
14. to have a beautiful house someday with a desk overlooking some sort of beautiful scene where I can sit and write anytime I want
15. to write something that means something true to someone
16. that my writing changes someone's life
17. to finally buy my Audi TT convertible
18. to have a small cottage at the beach that I can escape to when I need some time away
19. Keep my relationship with my aunt: she is so important to me even though she needs a little help sometimes
20. Watch my brother grow up
21. to keep dreaming
22. to meet Kobe Bryant
23. Sit at a cafe in Paris with my husband and just smile at him over a cup of coffee
24. to see the Eiffel Tower lit up at night and be kissed in the moonlight
25. to live happily ever after for the rest of my life with the boy I fell in love with at 18
dissapointment
P.S. this isn't about Nick
You know in some aspects, guys are a lot easier to be friends with than girls: no drama, no pressure, just easy going and hanging out. But in other ways, friends that are guys can be overpowering and flat out jerks.. such was my experience tonight. A guy I would consider a very close friend blew me off in front of his buddies and you know what I really wouldn't care because I kind of expect that from him anyways, but I took the time tonight and gave up doing other things to be somewhere for him. So I guess what I'm saying is this: friends should stick up for you, and I would expect a little more from him. Sometimes boys and men I think feel the need to be "men" and go to overboard in their emotions which leads them to be jerks and then lets others down around them. I expected him to stand up for me tonight, I felt like we had the sort of friendship where he would stand up for me or protect me if need be, and that was not the case tonight... so anymore I don't know. I guess every girl just has to fend for herself and try to overcome the domination some friends set forth.... it's a shame... he dissapointed me tonight.
~cmart
You know in some aspects, guys are a lot easier to be friends with than girls: no drama, no pressure, just easy going and hanging out. But in other ways, friends that are guys can be overpowering and flat out jerks.. such was my experience tonight. A guy I would consider a very close friend blew me off in front of his buddies and you know what I really wouldn't care because I kind of expect that from him anyways, but I took the time tonight and gave up doing other things to be somewhere for him. So I guess what I'm saying is this: friends should stick up for you, and I would expect a little more from him. Sometimes boys and men I think feel the need to be "men" and go to overboard in their emotions which leads them to be jerks and then lets others down around them. I expected him to stand up for me tonight, I felt like we had the sort of friendship where he would stand up for me or protect me if need be, and that was not the case tonight... so anymore I don't know. I guess every girl just has to fend for herself and try to overcome the domination some friends set forth.... it's a shame... he dissapointed me tonight.
~cmart
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Togetherness Isn’t Hard for Us
Baby... this is for you. You are my one and only, I miss you so much and love you more than anything! I miss you already!
I miss his voice already.
It’s been a few hours since he left,
Since we drove our separate ways
Both to family, both from love.
Why can’t we be as one?
Togetherness isn’t something hard for us,
Being apart is killing me… I miss him.
I miss his touch already.
Those hands that caress my skin,
Fingers running through my hair like
An arm to the wind on a stormy day.
That touch makes me live,
Makes me dream of our life together.
Loving isn’t hard for us,
Being apart though, is killing me.
I miss his face already.
His love, his smile, his things all over my apartment,
Yoda sitting beside Trinity,
Loving like we know how to.
I miss being with him,
Even when we’re not talking,
Just him beside me cures me, saves me.
I miss him already.
Togetherness isn’t something hard for us,
But being apart… is killing me.
I miss his voice already.
It’s been a few hours since he left,
Since we drove our separate ways
Both to family, both from love.
Why can’t we be as one?
Togetherness isn’t something hard for us,
Being apart is killing me… I miss him.
I miss his touch already.
Those hands that caress my skin,
Fingers running through my hair like
An arm to the wind on a stormy day.
That touch makes me live,
Makes me dream of our life together.
Loving isn’t hard for us,
Being apart though, is killing me.
I miss his face already.
His love, his smile, his things all over my apartment,
Yoda sitting beside Trinity,
Loving like we know how to.
I miss being with him,
Even when we’re not talking,
Just him beside me cures me, saves me.
I miss him already.
Togetherness isn’t something hard for us,
But being apart… is killing me.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Echo
Are you listening to
the gulls that fly into the sea;
waves that tie our throats to words
said and yet, unspoken?
Keep me in your voice,
may I echo who you are.
I never wanted to live
forever. I never wanted to love
or speak or see you.
But I did glide into you. Finding
ears to hear, echoes to capture me
in millions of caves: dark, dead, immense.
Saving me while living as you,
loving me while wondering how to love at all.
We wandered together after the echoes
drowned out; we learned to love together.
I never wanted to touch love.
My fingers never real when it came too close.
Touch now is no echo, but screams of devotion,
blatant shrieks of allegiance
to the waves that silenced our words
and tied our throats in knots.
Our words fled the shore, lost, estranged. Unspoken
but still heard through those lost echoes
I hold on to still.
Fragments of love we had,
love that saved me, while struggling to hold on at all.
We loved and saved our words and ourselves.
But are you still listening?
the gulls that fly into the sea;
waves that tie our throats to words
said and yet, unspoken?
Keep me in your voice,
may I echo who you are.
I never wanted to live
forever. I never wanted to love
or speak or see you.
But I did glide into you. Finding
ears to hear, echoes to capture me
in millions of caves: dark, dead, immense.
Saving me while living as you,
loving me while wondering how to love at all.
We wandered together after the echoes
drowned out; we learned to love together.
I never wanted to touch love.
My fingers never real when it came too close.
Touch now is no echo, but screams of devotion,
blatant shrieks of allegiance
to the waves that silenced our words
and tied our throats in knots.
Our words fled the shore, lost, estranged. Unspoken
but still heard through those lost echoes
I hold on to still.
Fragments of love we had,
love that saved me, while struggling to hold on at all.
We loved and saved our words and ourselves.
But are you still listening?
Thursday, March 09, 2006
flaws
I'd do anything for you at this point in time.
You know that... you always have;
why do love me? how do you love me
like you do? am i not flawed... broken at some
parts.
I've sat for hours staring at a river that
moves ever so gently but changes me
somehow. it moves inside of my heart,
inside my very spine.
I sit on that bench, hearing music inside my mind
as the wind pushes me in life.
I'd do anything for you at that point in time.
You know that... you always have.
so how do still love me the way you do?
i wish i knew... I don't deserve all your love, too
much is given to me... taken from others.
am i not flawed... broken?
You know that... you always have;
why do love me? how do you love me
like you do? am i not flawed... broken at some
parts.
I've sat for hours staring at a river that
moves ever so gently but changes me
somehow. it moves inside of my heart,
inside my very spine.
I sit on that bench, hearing music inside my mind
as the wind pushes me in life.
I'd do anything for you at that point in time.
You know that... you always have.
so how do still love me the way you do?
i wish i knew... I don't deserve all your love, too
much is given to me... taken from others.
am i not flawed... broken?
Monday, March 06, 2006
keeping the passions...
Today I realized that I was writing not to please myself anymore. I realized that through this new writing class I took, my writing has had to change and anymore, I'm not writing because I want to or because I'm inspired by it. I am writing to prove a point and to be as good as everyone else. Poetry should not prove a point, it should give options but should not be cut and dry.
Poetry should not have to be as good as someone else because that's like saying one person is better than another. I realized today that my writing style changed to fit a standard, that's not right or good. So I am taking a stand, I am proving my point when I say that my poetry is mine, no one else's at all. I am taking back control and writing to write, to clear my head and say what I want to say and how I want to say it. So don't give me crap about how it's not "poetic" if the lines are too long or it's not precise enough." I don't give a damn, I write because I can't not write, because I love it so much and because it clears my head when all else is helpless. If you're a writer or whatever your passion is, do it for yourself and don't change to meet someone else's standards. Do what you love to do and do it with heart, don't lose it to someone that never cared in the first place.
Poetry should not have to be as good as someone else because that's like saying one person is better than another. I realized today that my writing style changed to fit a standard, that's not right or good. So I am taking a stand, I am proving my point when I say that my poetry is mine, no one else's at all. I am taking back control and writing to write, to clear my head and say what I want to say and how I want to say it. So don't give me crap about how it's not "poetic" if the lines are too long or it's not precise enough." I don't give a damn, I write because I can't not write, because I love it so much and because it clears my head when all else is helpless. If you're a writer or whatever your passion is, do it for yourself and don't change to meet someone else's standards. Do what you love to do and do it with heart, don't lose it to someone that never cared in the first place.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I'm on a Love craze right now...
Love is not the enemy, it's the solution when it's right. It can't be right if it's not meant to be, it can be fun, uplifting, but not right, not perfect. Love means more when you need it the most, you need it the most when there is nothing else to turn to, and when there is nothing else to turn to, you have all the love to give and nothing to hold back. Love is not something to be feared, though you should be scared of loving someone that much that it's real forever. Don't step back but don't hold your heart too close either, either way you lose, but love is losing in order to have a few times you win. Love is overexagerating and barely skimping by. Love is praying and cursing, it's lust and never speaking, it's laying side by side and being miles apart. It's knowing that nothing truly makes you happier, even when everything is going your way. Love is scary, it's ironic and unbelievable, it's unsure and full of insecurities. But when you've got it, it's the most amazing thing you'll ever have.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Finding His Way
No one said it would be easy,
but then again,
no one understands it like I do.
We could spend forever
telling him how we feel,
and still,
he would have no idea at all.
I'm sorry you're going through this now,
I'm sorry I'm not there to hold you
at night,
to tell you I understand,
because believe me,
I do.
I spent four months in your Hell,
I know what you're going through,
I just wish it would be over for you,
that you'd find peace the way I did.
I promise, there will be light at the end,
just keep your eyes open and find it.
but then again,
no one understands it like I do.
We could spend forever
telling him how we feel,
and still,
he would have no idea at all.
I'm sorry you're going through this now,
I'm sorry I'm not there to hold you
at night,
to tell you I understand,
because believe me,
I do.
I spent four months in your Hell,
I know what you're going through,
I just wish it would be over for you,
that you'd find peace the way I did.
I promise, there will be light at the end,
just keep your eyes open and find it.
Alright
I held your face that night,
I gave you my heart,
told you to slow down.
You didn't listen,
you never listen,
even though you should.
I'm worried,
I'm scared,
I need to save you,
I have to.
Please hear me,
please show me you are alright,
because in your silence,
I'm not sure you are.
I gave you my heart,
told you to slow down.
You didn't listen,
you never listen,
even though you should.
I'm worried,
I'm scared,
I need to save you,
I have to.
Please hear me,
please show me you are alright,
because in your silence,
I'm not sure you are.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
~moment of truth~
Sometimes moments slip away and all we need is to realize where we came from and who we are. Forget about the fathers that left, the mothers that are too busy, forget about the siblings that pay no attention, forget about losing touch with those that once meant the most to you. Forget about all those times when the cliff seemed so near, forget about all those friends that betrayed you and the times when life seemed to dark to find your way. Sometimes one song, one moment, one kiss, one word can change it all. Tell yourself you can keep going, tell yourself you were always there for yourself and that's all you need. Forget about the apologies and the explanations you were given as a child, forget about the times you were told you weren't good enough, you are good enough, we all are.
Let life takes its course, if that means we are alone, then let it be. If that means we have someone to love, then let us love them and expect nothing in return. Sometimes we just need to find ourselves before we can accept anything from anyone else.
Let life takes its course, if that means we are alone, then let it be. If that means we have someone to love, then let us love them and expect nothing in return. Sometimes we just need to find ourselves before we can accept anything from anyone else.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
distance, absence, and space
You know... sometimes when you think a little space won't hurt anything, that you'll have time to clear your head and understand more of who you are, the opposite becomes apparent. When you are away from that one person for a mere few hours, the same day you just saw them that morning and knowing that you won't be with them till tomorrow... makes love seem all the more real. Sometimes, love has no answers and no reasons for why things happen the way they do. Sometimes leaving that person you love for a day or two means all the more when you see them again, after all "absence does make the heart grow fonder." So the next time you think you need a little time to think, rethink that... the answers you are looking for are already inside of you. When you love someone, any time away seems like a million times longer than it really is.
P.S. I Love you more than anything and I miss you so much!
P.S. I Love you more than anything and I miss you so much!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
life list for 10 years down the road
Here I am... almost twenty years old, only a few years away from graduating college and going into the real world. Growing up and doing what I want, living how I want and using all the knowledge I've gained to help me live a better life. So thinking about this, I realized I wanted to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish in the next 5-10 years. In 5 years, I'll be 24 and graduated from college, in 10, I'll be 29 and totally on my own. So here it goes... a life list for the next decade in my life...
1. get married, have "Baby, i'm amazed" played at my wedding, with rose petals all over the ground
2. have a fairly successful job doing whatever I end up wanting to do: right now, I hope that I am designing interior spaces for commercial structures
3. Be working on a book, whether it be a book of my poetry or a novel, I want to at least be working on it
4. save time to write, to cook, and spend time with my family
5. be able to support myself
6. i want to have been to Europe at least a few times
7. have a place that I bought/rent/lease and decorate it totally in my own style
8. buy my Audi TT
9. move away for a few years after getting married, to distance myself from my family and only make time for my husband, then possibly move back closer
10. make a "greatest collection" of my best poems and distribute them to family and friends
1. get married, have "Baby, i'm amazed" played at my wedding, with rose petals all over the ground
2. have a fairly successful job doing whatever I end up wanting to do: right now, I hope that I am designing interior spaces for commercial structures
3. Be working on a book, whether it be a book of my poetry or a novel, I want to at least be working on it
4. save time to write, to cook, and spend time with my family
5. be able to support myself
6. i want to have been to Europe at least a few times
7. have a place that I bought/rent/lease and decorate it totally in my own style
8. buy my Audi TT
9. move away for a few years after getting married, to distance myself from my family and only make time for my husband, then possibly move back closer
10. make a "greatest collection" of my best poems and distribute them to family and friends
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
a shade of pink and st. V
There is something so seductive about roses, about chocolate and the meaning of love on this day. St. Valentine must have been romantic, a man who believed in true love or at least in the temporary romantic lust that occurrs on Valentine's day. Women and girls treasure this day above so many other days, not because we get gifts and taken out to a nice dinner, not because we get all the chocolate we want or because we get to buy gifts for the guys in our lives, but because on Valentine's day, love is real, love becomes an escape and a day when no matter how many time we've fallen in love or how true the love is that we have at the moment, we are in love and St. Valentine's Day is ours to treasure. So on February 14th, love is real, love is true, love is that fairy-tale romance, that white knight, that day of rose petals and bubble baths, hearts and candy and chocolate and maybe a little surprise gift in there too. St. Valentine sure must have been an interesting person, a man who is the namesake of the "Hallmark" holiday, of lighting candles and scattering rose petals, of rose bouquets and chocolates. There is something so seductive about roses and chocolate, two such ordinary and unplanned things, but ever so beautiful. There is so much meaning in Valentine's Day, because for 24 hours, love seems invincible, unstoppable and unplanned, it seems romanticized, and covered in a shade of pink that every girl wants to last forever...
Monday, February 06, 2006
for my mom... (though a bit overdramatized)
My Paragon
The lamplight doesn’t soothe her anymore,
Her daughter’s gone, off into the world,
She’s alone again.
Her worn out hands are desiccated,
Like lizards in the sun for way too long,
More than even their pale skin can handle.
Her heart is lost, unloved by him,
Who’s job and days are filled with work;
She’s nothing that she used to be to him.
Her son is gone most of the time,
Off at school, with girls, or at all his games;
She doesn’t know him very well anymore.
It seems she has no control,
Her emotions are of no use anymore,
Her eyes can’t cry a single drop of tear.
He doesn’t notice her, he doesn’t see she’s fading,
But how could he?
He’s never there.
She misses that daughter that she loved so much,
The phone calls everyday have faded to once or twice a week,
And her voice just isn’t the same as the girl she knew.
She’s off experiencing the world,
Living on her own, loving who she wants to,
Learning to be without her mother.
She wishes time could go backward,
That her two children would be young again,
And listen to her every word, obeying her on all.
But time cannot go back, days cannot rewind,
And she starts to see the wrinkles on her face,
The age lines starting to appear.
She’s a mother, a wife, a teacher,
But no one notices that anymore,
No one pays attention to all she does.
Once adventurous, promiscuous, and abiding,
She is now nothing more than a woman in his house,
A woman at his games,
But always a paragon in her daughter’s view.
The lamplight doesn’t soothe her anymore,
Her daughter’s gone, off into the world,
She’s alone again.
Her worn out hands are desiccated,
Like lizards in the sun for way too long,
More than even their pale skin can handle.
Her heart is lost, unloved by him,
Who’s job and days are filled with work;
She’s nothing that she used to be to him.
Her son is gone most of the time,
Off at school, with girls, or at all his games;
She doesn’t know him very well anymore.
It seems she has no control,
Her emotions are of no use anymore,
Her eyes can’t cry a single drop of tear.
He doesn’t notice her, he doesn’t see she’s fading,
But how could he?
He’s never there.
She misses that daughter that she loved so much,
The phone calls everyday have faded to once or twice a week,
And her voice just isn’t the same as the girl she knew.
She’s off experiencing the world,
Living on her own, loving who she wants to,
Learning to be without her mother.
She wishes time could go backward,
That her two children would be young again,
And listen to her every word, obeying her on all.
But time cannot go back, days cannot rewind,
And she starts to see the wrinkles on her face,
The age lines starting to appear.
She’s a mother, a wife, a teacher,
But no one notices that anymore,
No one pays attention to all she does.
Once adventurous, promiscuous, and abiding,
She is now nothing more than a woman in his house,
A woman at his games,
But always a paragon in her daughter’s view.
Monday, January 30, 2006
sun, clouds, rain and a depressing country song
The sun is going in and out of the clouds, a diet coke sitting next to me on the nightstand, books scattered all over my bed, my homework laying in front of me mocking me. But somehow I can't pull away from the thoughts rushing through my head and in my heart there is so much that is dying to be answered, so many questions that I want to know the answers to. And there is something about the silence here, the moments I think of you, the moments I know there is no truer love that guides me on. Watching my heart grow over the past few months and knowing that I have something that every girl dreams of, I have the guy every girl wants to have and the prince that stole my heart. And yes it hurts thinking of us being apart and about the a few months that we won't be together every day or that we won't have time to ourselves and just be how we are now, but somehow right now, right in this moment, that doesn't bother me as much becuase I have complete faith that you are the one I'm supposed to be with, you are the guy that would give anything for me, the one who is always on my mind. And I want a future with you, I want to be beside you, I want to support you and though sometimes my emotions fail me and my unsurities and insecurities pull me down, right now, I don't see us falling or failing. Everyone else can think what they want but I want you, I want us, I want it all with you. Listening to this sad country song I'm listening to about a guy that loses the girl he knows he should've been with forever, a guy who said some things that he shouldn't have and a guy who realizes he's lost the best thing that ever happened to him, I hope that never happens to us but I'm sure it won't. And love hurts, it's hard, it's commitment, it's sacrifice, it's magic when done right and everlasting when it works. Love is worth every moment of hurt, every second of being unsure, because when you know you love someone, that commitment can last a lifetime. And sometimes what we think about the most or what hurts us the most and brings tears to our eyes, those things often mean the most to us. They are the most important things in our lives and they are the things that we know we don't want to live without. I won't ever walk away from the guy you are now, from our love we have now, from what we are now. Walking away is an escape, an excuse and I want to work through whatever comes up with you. Right now, I'm not scared, because I know this song will not be us, I know the distance will not take me away from you, I don't ever want it to. So as the sun is still moving through the clouds and the rain is falling on and off, I realize to myself that the moments we have now are perhaps the most important of our lives because finding you was the most important moment in my life and everytime I kiss you, I know we're brilliant.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
if...
Why can't a moment be intimate, why can't it be timeless? Why can't our lives stay in the moments, why are they rushed, why do we rush them? How come life can't slow down, why can't we lie there for hours? Why can't we sacrifice a few hours to relax, to be in each other's arms? Why is it that time runs away from us and we lose moments that could have been special, that could have meant something more. And in meaning more, do we even know what that means? Why can't he just wait for her, lay there and just look into her eyes? Why can't he just take an extra second and admire her? Why rush away, making her feel used and not worth the time? And when will she get what she really wants, when will she be able to lay there all day and just look into his eyes, not wondering when he'll get up or when he'll leave? Maybe she'll never get what she dreams of, maybe it's not possible in this world... but why not? Why can't life just stop and let her do everything she wants and lay in bed all day? Why can't she just exist without existing and live the way she always wanted to? Why do her dreams have to be compromised; why do her dreams not count anymore? Maybe it's life, maybe it's reality, maybe that's how it is going to be, but it's not fair. It's not right and it shouldn't be... no girl should ever give up her dreams, no girl should ever have to compromise her time, her years. If girls are supposed to turn out just like their mothers, giving everything for the men in their lives.... then life needs to change.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
the simple things
It's the tiny things that make me love you: the way you look when you're concentrating so hard on something, the way you hold me when showing how to grip my hands on the club, showing me how to golf in my room, the way you slowly glance at me when you think I don't notice. It's the way you make me feel, the way my heart pounds as you draw near. And no one makes me feel the same... no one else ever will. So here I am listening to Rod Stewart, that same song we just talked about tonight, and though you've left not an hour ago, I already miss your touch and your gentle smile. It's the simple things that make our love work: never tiring of talking to each other, the inside jokes, and the normalness of an everyday life. It's the simple meals: ravioli or Burrito Loco, it's the willingness to give anything to the other person and holding your hand as we walk through the rain. It's moving you car in the middle of the night and watching you golf, remembering every movement, every swing. It's understanding each other and finding moments when all I have to do is to look into your eyes and know that every single part of me loves you. And it's the smallest, most insignificant things that made me fall in love with you: the way you move your hand through your hair and then settle your hat, the way we can talk for hours and how I can always cry on your shoulder. It was the first kiss that took me away and you "had me from hello." It's the way you'd live in sweats if you could and talking about your "boom-boom room." It's the long stories and the way you makke me feel even when I look my worst. It's knowing more about me than anyone else ever has and not being scared by that, it's our moments, our secrets, our dreams and hopes. And our love is simple, it's not complex or hard to understand, it's concrete, it's strong. I don't want a hard, intricate relationship, I don't want drama and fights, I want you, I want us and I always will. Thank you for loving me, for showing me what love is like and for being you, because you made me fall so hard, so fast. You took my breath away and captured me... thank you....for the simple things and for what we have.... it's brilliant.
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