Congrats

Today was one of many tears and many memories lost and brought back. Today my little brother graduated from high school and like many big sisters, I sat in the stands so proud of who he is becoming. Though I also found it so ironic in so many ways to sit there are remember that day of mine three years ago. And here on the eve of his graduation, he is in the same position I was at, our parents leaving the home that has helped him become the person he is, moving away, leaving behind friends and memories and the familiarity that comes from a place that you know for a while.

And it suddenly hit me today, that while he is only just beginning such a long journey, he has accomplished so much but there are a few more things that I just want to put out there for all of you who might be moving on to something new this time of year. Just a few things that as someone a few years older has come to find out about life...

~don't ever give up on your family because in the end, no one else will ever know you like they do
~don't ever give up on your dreams, and fight for them to the very last breath
~no one tells you about the things that are going to break you the most: lost loves, heartaches, the struggles in life, but keep your head high and always remember the people that are there for you
~as you move along in your life, remember that it's okay to leave some things behind
~don't get stuck in something that you don't love
~always follow your heart
~remember the people that were there along the way but were the quiet watching from afar, sometimes they have the most meaning in your life
~don't ever forget where you came from or who you are
~but don't let where you came from hinder you from where you are going
~it's okay to be afraid, and in the next few years you will feel this emotion a lot
~find new friends and loves, but never forget the ones that you had so long ago
~you can roam the earth to try and find someone that understands you, but so often its the people right in front of you that know you the best
~don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something
~stand up for what you believe in, even if no one else does
~but don't be so ignorant as not to listen to what others have to say
~always remember to have fun, because when life gets busy and we get older, we so often lose touch of that
~find someplace that is all your own and hold on to it
~when you find someone that you want to spend your life with, hold on to them with all is takes, but don't ever let that love make you let go of what you really want
~love with all your heart
~and don't be afraid to show it

...and someday when you are far from home, and you feel like there is no place in the world that could make you feel whole, remember that family is always a phone call away, a friend is always a few hours on the plane away, and your sister, will always be there waiting for her little brother who needs help.

love,
casey

Congratulations Jame, you deserve the world!

a part of something

When can we stop ourselves from killing all that means the most to us? When we are so far into something, when everyone excepts so much of us, that we can't get ourselves out of something that maybe we should just break off from? Its such a fine line between knowing when to go too far or when to stop. I've always been the girl that didn't let anyone else know all that I'm feeling and to be honest, no one in my life knows what I'm feeling inside right now, because I am ashamed to feel this way and I'm so deeply hurt by what I feel and why I feel it that I cannot tell anyone.

I miss the days when I hadn't a care in the world, when I'd come home at the end of the day and be happy to be home. I guess I am expecting too much from everything in my life and it hurts me to see what I'm doing and what's happening around me. I am lost, so deeply lost and drifting to a place I don't want to be. I am up so high that I can't climb down, and at this point it feels like the only option is just to jump and get it over with. This year has been such an emotional up and down, yes's and no's. And a lot of it is my fault for not knowing when to say no, when to say goodbye.

When did the fun, the simple little things get so lost? And when did I lose the faith that always kept me safe from the world? That faith that held such a place in my heart has disintegrated to so much that I can barely make it out anymore. And at such a young age, I feel like the arguments and the disappointment has aged me to the point where I barely recognize myself anymore.

My life no longer feels right or real and I'm so ready for something to change, to wake up and be happy to start the day again. That magic that used to fill my heart no longer is there, and I want so desperatley to feel like I'm the only girl he sees still, to know that without saying anything, I am the most important part of his life. I want to feel a part of something, and not have to spell it out. I want to be happy again, and know where I am and what I mean to other people. I want so badly to feel a part of something again.

Life Lessons

It's so important in this world to hold your head high and to have a few things to live by when the world seems to pull you down... so to Preston who has a blank slate and has the sky as his limit to live this life to the most...

Life Lessons:

1. Don't ever give up on your dreams. Dream with a full heart and with no boundaries.
2. Find strength in yourself and all you can do.
3. Keep your head held high, even when the world seems to pull you down.
4. Keep faith in yourself above all else.
5. Always put others first.
6. Remember where you are from, but don't let it hinder where you go.
7. Believe in something, whatever it may be.
8. Always find forgiveness with others.
9. Don't judge others for decisions they make, because you may not know the whole story.
10. Respect those that you love.
11. Keep friends close, but family closer.
12. Never give up on the people that have always been there for you.
13. Find yourself, and then love someone else as much as you can.
14. When you find someone that you know is special, hold on to them with all you have.
15. Don't be afraid to cry.
16. Never be ashamed of who you are.
17. Always tell those you love that you love them.
18. Be careful in life, but take risks when you can.
19. Hold on to what you love, because it will pull you through in the darkest hour.
20. And above all, have fun along the ride and enjoy every moment you are alive.

trying

Sometimes people disappoint you. Actually, it happens a lot. Perhaps that's why marriages fail, why friends are lost, or why family sometimes seems to become more and more distant. Disappointment is one of those things that hurts so much more than lies, more than anything anyone can do to hurt someone else. And for some reason, disappointment makes you lose faith in the people that you thought you knew so well.

It seems that lately I have been hurt by disappointment from others. And it is in this disappointment from friends and lovers that has left me where I am now, having nightmares and crying to myself when no one is looking. Sometimes I think about how it used to be, so in love, so happy, so ready to go on forever. And honestly, that scares me now. Forever terrifies me because I want it to be thoughtful and sincere, I want it to be about the little things and about showing each other how much we love. I want it to be about special nights and enjoying time together. I want days with no arguments, and moments to just laugh.

And maybe it's me, maybe I am expecting too much from everyone in my life, but I don't believe in expecting any less than the best, because when you love someone or something, that's what I give.

I miss the icards, the kisses when you get home, tucking me in at night, not arguing with me on everything, smiling at me when you think I'm not looking. I miss all those little things that I fell in love with, the hats, the walks at the riverfront, putting your arm around me, not pushing me to do things, not the constant talking and asking questions. I miss the silence, most of all, I miss the quiet just sitting with you. I miss your faith in me, knowing that I know what I'm doing. I miss you're faith in yourself, and I miss being treated so well.

Life has changed and so have we, and now is the time to figure out if this means what it used to. I know that it will never be the same as it used to be, but we can try to not disappoint each other at the very least.

lost meaning

On the steps of something greater, I stand still taking in all that's happened in the past few years and as I reminisce in memories, suddenly I am very aware of who I am. Suddenly I know how strong I am, how willing and how passionate I am. I will never give into something I don't believe in, and I will never let others tell me what to think. That's not who I am and I will always stand up for what I believe is right and what I believe is fair. Life is not about letting everyone else think every thing for you, it's about making mistakes and learning and finding who you are and what you believe, and when you do, it's about paving your own path.

We must all look inside ourselves and ask ourselves, is the path we're on, truly our own, or are we trying so hard to make everyone believe it's our own, that we lost the meaning of that journey altogether.

chasing hope

What ever happened to the world we used to know? The one where parents would always bail us out, the one when home felt like the safest place in the world, where the biggest thing on our plates was a math test at school. And I guess as we grow, we must realize that our lives only get more complicated, that life only gets harder and harder to continue living. Lately, I just miss feeling safe. I miss that feeling of knowing someone will pull me through, I miss that feeling of a safety net.

I guess I should just believe in myself as my own safety net, but for some reason lately, though I feel totally loved, I also feel a bit like falling. I am falling slowly into something I can't crawl out of alone. And as the real world is approaching so fast, and the real future is right in my reach, I can see my dreams formulating and coming true and some how I am realizing that what if when I get to that moment when it is about to come true, and he doesn't want those things too? What if I get that job offer across the country and suddenly I am alone in that dream? And of course, it's easier said than done, but what if I end up having too much to lose?

I have never been the person to give up my dreams, never the person to let down when there is something I believe in. And I will accomplish my dreams, I will chase those hopes and aspirations of mine, that is who I am. It's who I've always been.

paving a path

Here we are, plunging head first into the real world ahead of us. Some of us are stopped at red lights that will never turn green, others are speeding along at 100 miles per hour, too fast to stop themselves at the other end. And then there are those of us in the middle, stopping patiently at each road sign, yielding to the oncoming traffic, those of us the know where we are headed, but that are taking our time on the scenic route of life. There are those that keep driving, hoping to find that road sign that will tell them where to go and there are those that drive aimlessly, not caring who's path they enter upon.

You know, we are only 21 years old, some younger, some older, but in the scheme of things, life is just beginning, life is no where near the responsibilities we want to place ourselves inside of. What happens when we we look out the window one day and wonder where we would have been, what happens when find out what our dreams are but can never accomplish them? So many of us are so quick to say what we want, to "know" it for sure, and believe me, I have been so many times and as I look back on the past few years since I've been on my own, I can't help but laugh at myself, at how serious I thought I was, at how mature I thought my life was. And still, as I have become more and more on my own, I have no idea what real life is really like, not yet, not just quite yet. And along the way I've found out so much about myself, but I've also lost a lot of who I used to be.

And I think that the losing and the gaining is normal, and its the merging of your old self and your new self that become the piece of who you are, along with what you do and what you stand for. There are moments that dreams seem like they in our finger tips, moments when it seems that nothing could go wrong, moments when you smile because of no particular reason, but do not confuse those moments with what real life is. Because as we grow, real life becomes all the more real, all the harder, and yet, through it all, all the more beautiful. I've come to realize that through the fighting we see each other so much clearer, through the hardships we learn so many life lessons and through the struggles we find which road we are supposed to be on. We find those road signs we need to continue on through growing up and sometimes, we have to follow those signs on our own. Sometimes we cant have someone else to follow us, sometimes we have to be selfish and to do it on our own and I truly believe that doing those things on your own, growing up following your own heart and your own dreams, and finding out about real life is the most important thing in the world.

I have been thinking a lot about all of us lately, about my close friends, about those people that I share this life with, those people that get through each day, whether it's a cosmopolitan after a long week, a Starbucks run in the middle of the day, or a night home cuddling and watching our favorite tv shows, it's those people that understand me best and that have created the journey I'm on. But at the same time, I must do it on my own, as must we all, do it on our own, before we find the road that meets us with someone else. We have to pave our own path before we can join someone else's.

in my heart

Sometimes I miss the desert so much it hurts. Sometimes I miss that sunrise over the gulf, the feel of the sands between my toes and knowing that I was in a culture so different than anyone even knows. Sometimes I will google that town just to remember it, just to see if again, and sometimes, just a memory is enough. Sometimes it's so hard to remember, when only just a few in my life actually remember it too. I will never forget the sound of ARabic, or the way it sounded driving over the causeway to Bahrain. I will never forget the smell of fresh meat cooking on the spits of the city sidewalks, and the way a fresh shwarma tasted. I will always have memories of fresh fish in the front yard, of Kentucky Fried Chicken separated into two sides, one for each gender. There will always be prayer-call burned in to my mind and I will always recognize a mosque.

The thing about it is, no one quite understands how much that place was a part of me and how much I miss it every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it, but tonight for some reason, I miss that place so much where the desert met the sea.

all I need

Sometimes you just need a night alone, a few hours to sit and watch your favorite episodes of Sex and the City, to drink a glass of wine and to look at all those myspace pages of people you used to know. Sometimes a few hours just spent alone, with a blanket and a magazine can be the best hours of the week. It's been so long since I've had a night like this... and the best part about it... as I sat sipping my wine, watching Sex and the City, and curled up in a blanket, was that not only did I need a night like this, but that I'm not alone, not really, because right in the room next door is a great guy that knows that sometimes, this is all I need.

Here and Now

For the first time a long time, I suddenly feel a sense of calm, as if I have done all I can do in this drama within my family and I've tried to help how I can. And the one thing that I have held on to this whole time, is that ring on my finger, that ring that promises loyalty and trust, that ring that promises to be a living reminder of who I am and that one person that loves me.

For the first time since I received my beautiful promise ring from the one person that steals my heart everyday, I honestly know in my heart that what that ring represents, is more than I ever could hope for. And when my day is getting a little bit harder, all I have to do is look down at my finger and and that small diamond in the center of the band and know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, I get to go home to him and fall in love all over again.

I am in no hurry to get married, and while many around me seem to be pushing toward that all the time, I am quite content with my promise and with the way my life is right now. I am too young to get married, and too stubborn to give up my independence just yet. And while in a few years I may feel quite differently, I am in no hurry to rush that part of my life. I have found him, I know that for sure and I know that I will walk down the aisle to meet him at the other end, but a few years won't change that.

I have found a beauty in waiting and in keeping this promise just a little bit longer. For me, for now, my promise is more than enough. Life is just beginning for me and my love is strong enough to hold on for a few more years. The truth is, I could wait my whole life and be fine with how it is now, being loved in the purest form, being loved for who I am, and with the trust and loyalty and love he gives me every single day.

sometimes

Here we are, all in this world together, just trying to figure out who we are and why we are here. And in that search, sometimes we just get a little bit lost, a little bit turned around in our web that we create. That search turns into heartaches, and lost loves, it turns into moments of doubt and moments of weakness. It becomes a loss of prayer and times when we feel like we are totally alone in this world. And sometimes, that search takes us so far away from what we thought we were, that we forget about who we used to be and the world we left behind when that journey began. We have to know through it all, that it's for a reason, that we are becoming stronger, but that does not mean that we inadvertently leave behind those people that have always loved us for who we are.
You know, I may be young, and I may not know half of what others know, but I do know how hard it is sometimes to be yourself. There is one thing that I will not compromise in my life and that's myself and who I've become. Sometimes we get so lost in the moments and the drama and how situations play out, that we don't look at who we are and what we stand for, because if we did, we'd act much differently. You have to have a little faith in those you love and those that love you. You have to balance the love you give and the love you receive, you have to balance family and other relationships. You have to find that mid way with who you were and who you will be, and you have to be both, because all your life others loved you for you were and others will continue to love you for who you become.
Moments like this are not about anger or hate or dissatisfaction. They are about loss and devastation and concern; do not mistake these for anger, for they are much stronger but also much easier to forgive. These are feelings of love, not hate and this was never about not loving anyone, never about that love disappearing. You know I've given a lot of thought to all that's happened, and through all the hurt and the heartache it's caused, there are still those moments that I smile remembering the good times we all used to have. And while we all should change and grow, we must find in ourselves who we really want to become when we grow and change and who we want by our sides. Family is only thing that will always be there, and family, however difficult or different they may be, are the ones that loved us first for who we were, and for who we've become.
Do not mistake loss for anger, or concern for hate. When we look at those moments that we've make mistakes, we must be able to admit we were wrong, admit that our ignorance has taken over a bit. Sometimes just finding out what you really want from yourself and from those around you will show you the truth in what really has happened, regardless of who said what, and who's done what wrong. Sometimes you just have to get past the pride, and kneel before all you've done. Are we really ready to give up those ties, those relationships, those friendships that we've spent so many years building? Are we hiding behind insecurities and pride to prove a point and disconnecting those relationships that we've had for years?
Life is too short for this, and it's too long too. While I have tried to stay on the outside of all of this, I can't help but express how much we are all hurting each other with the secrets, the arrogance, and the lack of respect. Does it hurt to give someone the respect they deserve, to acknowledge a mother is hurting for her daughter, to acknowledge that we've made mistakes and that perhaps someone else might be able to help us, rather than alienating ourselves from all those people that have always loved us for who always have been?

my love.

Here tonight I suddenly remember what it was like to fall in love, what it was to experience everything for the first time and to truly realize, for the first time, that you might have found forever. Three years ago almost, I looked into your eyes and I knew that something would change in me, that something was changing me forever. There of course were the little ways to show affection, the surprises, the nights spent over, the dinners out, the monthly anniversaries, the little moments of getting lost in your eyes. It's funny how love changes over the years and how surprises turn into repetition. I guess what I'm finally realizing is that though love might change, it does bring with it new surprises in each new era. I am finding here, now three years into this love I've found that though both of have changed, we have also become closer to each other. It's in the dependance, the closeness in spirit that we have grown into the couple we will become.

It seems to some that love fades and that the love dissipates, when in fact it never does, it only grows stronger with no need for physical encounters or signs of affection. Those are known between the two people and there is no need to show it off, for in our hearts, it is stronger than ever.

So here tonight my love, I am ready for a new beginning, for a new era to begin and for our hearts to grow even more dependent on each other. Our love has grown like nothing I have ever seen and while we have had to overcome changes and obstacles, we did that together and in our commitment, we will be able to withstand whatever life puts in front of us and we will grow with each new morning together, at that moment when I look over into your eyes and smile as I lay in your arms.

stop trying

Sometimes the people that are closes to us can't see what is killing us, sometimes they don't understand what is upsetting us. And here I am, once again on the outside of a world that I can't seem to break into, a world that you used to let me into,a world that you used to want me to be a part of. And here tonight, once again I feel so alone, so lost against this wall you are putting up with me. I have tried so hard to break into it to help you and to understand, but anymore, you won't let me in. Rather you stick up for those that I can't stand and rather than letting me in, you continue to push me away.

Today of all days, I need someone to talk to. Today of all days I needed you, today of all days, I felt closer with a boy I used to love, rather than you. Today I felt helpless, lost and alone and yet you continued to put up your wall and push me farther and farther away. Why must you push me away, when all I ever wanted was to hold you hand and be part of your world.

I'm so tired of apologies, of people telling me they are sorry. And if I learned anything today I realized that I am not going to put up with it anymore. Apologies might bring forgiveness but it doesn't make it okay. It doesn't end the hurt that it caused me.

Why can't you see that you continue to hurt me, that you continue to block me out when I need you the most? I don't know what to do anymore; I guess it's out of my control and I should just stop trying.

too late

I never thought my life would be where it is, I never thought that I'd be fighting these battles so young, so soon. My whole life all I ever have wanted was someone to listen, no one in my entire life has just listened to me, without judgement or opinion. All I ever wanted was someone to hold me at the end of the day without arguments or interruptions. I feel like that's all we are anymore, is arguments and interruptions. What happened to you? And maybe it's my fault too, maybe we're just not meant for this, maybe I failed you.

I have no strength left anymore, and it feels like I've been running for years on end with no break to breathe. I feel like nothing is easy and it's a struggle to smile at the end of the day. And here tonight I lay here on my own and while I should be sleeping after a long and exhausting day, I am here sitting up alone in the dark writing this, because there is no one else to talk to anymore except this computer screen who can't respond.

Life shouldn't be this hard this soon, there should be more moments of just smiling, more moments of just holding me without a word, moments that you don't need to argue with me, moments that just happen. Everything seems so forced anymore.

Why couldn't you have just listened and tried to understand. I'm tired of the excuses... I'm tired of it all.

Lay at my Feet

Do you ever have a moment to yourself in the most unique of places, in the most random of times, when you think to yourself, how happy you really are with everything in your life. You know, there I was tonight, folding stacks of sweaters at work during closing time, and in a moment, the song was right, I was laughing with friends, and suddenly I just smiled to myself because even though a lot is happening in my life right now, I am so happy with everything I have.

For so long, I was trying to hold on to everything the way that it used to be, the things we used to do, the way my relationships with others and the people I was around. But suddenly I realize tonight that it doesn't matter what we used to do, because we have new places to go and new people to see. We have new traditions and we are changing each and every day. I have been so scared of what will come in the next few months, my parents are moving away to Hawaii, to a place I can't drive home to for the afternoon. A place that takes money and a plane and time to visit, a place that never will seem like home to me, and place that comes with risks. And while I'm so happy for them right now, I'm scared of letting them go that far away. I've always acted as if it didn't matter to me how close my family is, showing my independence I guess, but suddenly when I'm faced with this, it scares me a little and I know that when they leave, I truly will have to be adult and take care of myself. I've been thinking about all this for a while, so I'm glad that I can finally write it down and get it out of my mind. My parents mean a lot to me, and after all we've been through throughout the years, I respect them more than ever and I will miss them each and every day they are gone. Maybe I should look at this as a stepping stone, a new era for me and a new place for my heart to stand on its own for a while.

All this is also making me realize how special Nick is to me and how much our relationship is molding us for our futures and our adult lives. Everyday I smile because here we are, two and half years older, stronger, and more mature than we were at 18, young and in love, having fun and creating all those firsts that I'm so glad got to happen with him. Here we are, still together when so many friends have come and gone, family stayed and left, school never ending yet flying by so fast. And together we have already overcome so much, together we have cried about lost loved ones, friends that have not been so good to us, and the troubles of living on our own, getting overwhelmed and with all we have to do to be the people we are. But in the end, I would not want to go through all of this with anyone else, and in him, my life suddenly is not just mine anymore, it's ours and it's about the both of us. I can't wait until the day that I walk down the aisle and see him at the other end, but I also know that for now, I cannot get married at 21, nor can he. And I am finally seeing that as something that defines who I am and its not for me. I am too ambitious to do that now, and we are still kids at heart, kids who fell in love and experienced so much together, and that in a way, grew up too fast, not by choice, but by reality.

Life presents itself in ironic situations. And I guess, the point of this blog was this: I am so content with my life right now and while the next year brings a lot of new challenges and changes, I know that it will all work out. It will all find a way to work because no matter where I go or what happens in my life, I can always come home at the end of the day and see the boy I fell in love with at 18, grown up now into the young man he is becoming and know that all is okay, as long as I can hold him and that he will be beside me when the hardest challenges lay at my feet.

love will find its way

I've learned to breathe in all these years and now in this moment when it seems that all the breathes we take are stale and suffocating, I find myself wondering how people get through all we have to do and still find time for love. In three years, I have grown into more love than I've ever known, but at the same time, sometimes we get so caught up in all that is around us that we take that love for granted. And that makes me appreciate more how hard it is for people to stay married for years and years, how hard it is in this world to be loved unconditionally and without reason. I guess we just have to find our roots again, we have to look deep into our souls and search for the reasons we love someone. In my case, I love him because I can tell him anything, because in the end, he'd do everything he could to never let me down. I love him because after all these years, and all the stuff we've gone through together, he's still the person that can always make me laugh, the person that cares about how I feel and the person that regardless of how bad he's screwed up, he's always willing to try to fix it.

Love is something that becomes routine. It's something that we take so much for granted, and when we get to that point where it seems stale and breathless, we must remember that no matter what, if we have that person that does truly love us unconditionally, love will always find a way.

Defying gravity

I got to thinking tonight about how much we've all changed, and yet how much we are still the same. Here we are three years into the real world and some of us have gotten so far, while others have stayed behind. Some of us have created different journeys for ourselves than we imagined before. Some of us have found lovers, some of us gotten married, some of us gotten jobs, some of us studying for that career we've worked so hard for. Some of us are on our own, some of us not so much. But really in the end it comes down to what is in our souls and in our hearts.

Here we are, on the eve of adulthood and sometimes it feels like this road we call life, only continues to wind farther and farther away from where we thought we'd be. Here we are, wondering which decision to make, wondering how to keep surviving, wondering which people to say yes to, which people to tell no, which ideas to keep and which to throw away. It's time to try defining gravity. It's time to move towards all that we want and push away all that hinders us. It's time for us to stand up and make something of ourselves. It's time to move toward what we want and what we believe in. We must find that higher strength and push towards what we believe is real and true.

It's that time in our lives where we must stand up for what we believe in, because if we don't we will look back twenty years from now and shed a tear for the lost action that we long to recreate. We are young, passionate, and ready for our lives to begin.

done

She held my hand through my darkest years, she was the one that I sat on the phone with crying the night away in my tiny closet when no one else would listen, when I had no one else to turn to. I sit here tonight, broken inside, such a high then such a low. She needs to open her eyes and tell me what is going through her mind, why she left everyone behind, why she has cut everyone out and why she didn't even bother to tell me, why I was the last to find out. I feel betrayed and hurt, the loyalty I thought we had I guess meant nothing to her. I am tired of doing all I can for people, being there for them whenever they need a shoulder to cry on, advice to be given and I am so tired of dealing with everyone else's problems when I have plenty of my own to deal with. I'm sick of hearing about them build themselves up and then tell me that I am like them... I am NOTHING like them and I swear to God that I will never be like them. They have never done anything that I look up to and while I love them, I do not aspire to be like them. I do not want to live their lives and I am done telling either of them what I think or how I am feeling because they use it as ammunition toward me to one another.

I am 21 years old, I should be enjoying what's left of my young adult life and not worrying about this feud between my aunts and my grandparents. I have no need to be in the middle of it, neither do I want to be in the middle of it. They have their issues that they've had for so many years that I personally don't care to relive it over and over again. I am done listening to it, I'm done dealing with it, and I'm done talking about it. I am sincerely hurt and it's something that is going to take more than an email to fix. I don't care anymore, they can sit on their high horses and cry and gossip and say that nobody listens to them, but they are the ones that have always gotten exactly what they want. Ironic how the girls that had everything handed to them, ended up like this?

life lessons

After a long and overwhelming week... here are a few little life lessons I've learned:

. find a moment when you need it the most and just stand still, not doing anything, not thinking, just be still and breathe
. take the time to call a friend or a relative, it will mean the world to them
. hold someone's hand, it always will make you feel loved
. find out what you truly believe in and figure out what it really means to you in your life
. don't judge someone else for what faith they have, you don't know what's going on in their life
. when you love someone, tell them
. hug someone and tell them thank you for all they do
. smile when no one is looking
. wrap yourself in blankets, it will always make you feel better
. watch the rain fall
. sleep in as late as you want
. go above and beyond on what ever you are supposed to do, it will all pay off in the end
. always be on time
. watch a favorite movie or play your favorite song
. if you get the chance to travel, go for it
. when you are alone, always remember that it's a time to cleanse your soul and find out about yourself
. go home every once in a while, even if you hate it, it means the world to your parents
. be able to stand on your own, don't rely on other people to make you grow up, take responsibility for yourself
. if you are overwhelmed, cry, get upset, and then move on and do what you are supposed to do
. don't worry about what people are going to think, if you truly believe you are making the right decision, those closest to you will support you
. create someplace that represents your dreams and believe that you will go there (Paris!)
. take time and write down your thoughts from time to time
. tell some one when you are upset
. find someone that you can tell anything to
. have a balance of friends and love them for different things
. buy something you really want
. work the hardest you can, it will all pay off and you will be better for it
. but don't let work control you're entire life, keep the important things special
. don't worry about when marriage will happen, or when your life will be planned out, let life happen and just live
. don't regret things you've done or feel bad about them, they are what made you who you are and how you got to where you're at
. waking up next to someone you love is the best feeling in the entire world
. find someone you can laugh with, someone you can talk to, someone that you share a bond with, and keep them forever
. love is about falling in love over and over again, and when you can look at that person two years later and still feel a rush when you're with them, that's true love
. tell people you are thankful for them
. always tell the truth
. but sometimes a little white lie is okay
. we all feel lost sometimes, but finding your way back often creates a stronger more dedicated person
. dream and dream and dream and keep dreaming
. learn another language
. live in another country
. smile at someone you see on the street, it might just make their day
. get lost in someone's stare
. have a few too many drinks, so what if you get a little giggly?
. look out the window and smile, because what could be more beautiful than this moment right now?

Goals

With the glow of white gold bracing my eye and a diamond sparkling on my finger, I find myself thinking about all that is coming for me. And as I realize all that is coming, I have to brace myself sometimes. I am living all that I want to live and becoming all that I want to be, yet still somewhere I am terrified of all of that, of all of what is coming. I, like so many of those people closest to me, am scared to move on from college, to move on from the life I know, to move away, to get married, to start a family, to choose my own life. And while I know I am more than capable of doing all of that, I am still terrified of how it will all happen. Sometimes I sit back and think of all my dreams and what I want, of living in Paris, accomplishing all my career goals, of learning French and touring the Arab world that once held me as its own. And thinking of all these things I can only hope to achieve. THere is so much going on, so much happening all at once and in the end I can't help but smile, because I know in the end I'll get through it all, I'll find peace and accomplish all that I want to. So here are my goals, no time limits, just goals for myself to rise to the occasion.

1. Live in Paris
2. Get married
3. Learn French and Arabic
4. Live and work in London
5. Rise in my career
6. Publish some sort of my writing
7. Buy myself an Audi
8. Own a townhouse in the pearl district
9. return to portland someday
10. keep the faith I've created
11. not lose contact with those that i love the most
12. fulfill every dream I've ever dreamt on some level

take note (controversial)

As we grow up we find that our faith gets lost, our love replaces things we used to know and our decisions get harder and harder to make. Sometimes, I've learned you have to take the good with the bad and find a new faith in order to survive. I used to believe in what I could not understand, in what my parents always told me was how the world is. I used to be the person that believed in whatever anyone told me and then I found out the hard way that the faith I always believed in so naively isn't what it means at all. I found that love, true, passionate and undefining love took the place of that faith in my life. And people misunderstand that, people take that to much to heart and judge me for it all the time.

I had a long talk with a dear friend today and I came away from it thinking about all of this. Faith is something that no one can ever take from you, it's something that no one can give you either, you have to find it on your own and some take longer to find it than others. Some have never been taught how to find it either, so those of you that judge those who have no faith in anything, or that don't believe in a religion or a higher power, you must realize that you were the ones that were helped along the way of finding that faith, others were not. I find so often those with a religious belief that become so judgmental towards those with a different belief than their own and to me, someone who was brought up devoutly catholic, I can't see how that isn't totally against what faith teaches. Ask me sometime, I can quote the bible, I can talk intelligently about biblical stories, about catholic traditions and what the church means. I know it all, I grew up within that church,and how unChristian is it to judge someone else for something that they've never had the opportunity to have? Some are so quick to judge, so quick to think that what they believe in is the the only thing to believe in.

I'm sorry right now if this offends anyone, that is not my intention. But sometimes, some of us lose our faith after experiencing something, some of us find that there are other things to put our faith in, and some of us never have had the opportunity to have that faith. For me, my faith is everything I have. I believe very strongly in what faith gives us, but I don't necessarily believe that faith means judging others that don't have the same beliefs as we do. That is not what Christ was about, that is not what any disciple or saint did, they befriended those that were not like them and gave them opportunities, they did not turn them away. And like it or not, someday we are all going to be judged, and whether or not your faith is the "right one" is no one's on this earth to say.

One thing I will say in closing is that though I am not a perfect person, I do believe very strongly in being a good person and living a good life, a life I am proud of, a life that I can defend. And my faith is strong, my beliefs sure, it is the church and the people that run it that are questioned in my mind, nothing else. We are all human, we all make mistakes, whether you have strong religious beliefs or not, we all will stand beside each other when our world's come to a close and maybe what saves each of us in the end is whether or not we judged those that we loved, whether or not be stood beside them through the storm or whether we walked away when they needed us the most just because they were different?

In closing, I want to thank a dear friend of mine, because after that conversation today, I realized that though she is a very religious person, she has never once judged me for the decisions I make but rather as our friendship has grown, she has stood by me, whether she approved or not. That's what real friends are, for all of you who have abandoned friends because of difference of opinion, take note... maybe you aren't as good a person as you think.

*offer*

I feel at this moment in time that I am finally whole, that I am finally finding out who I am and learning more about life as each new day passes. Life for me is white Christmas trees with Wal-Mart ornaments, it's an Arab memory of sand and a world I used to know and love, it's that kiss on the forehead and a tally of kisses along side his drawing on yellow legal pads, it's watching my favorite show and wanting to watch it over and over again. Life is having time to write with nothing else on my mind, it's watching the rain outside but being safe and warm indoors, it's making my own decisions, it's cooking a brilliant meal, it's entertaining, it's a cosmo when I need to relax, it's my favorite song soaring from the speakers, it's Sex and the City when I really need it, it's reading a magazine, it's designing a project I really enjoy. LIfe is cookies and dark chocolate m and m's, and bringing the love of my life to my family gatherings. It's knowing he's the one, it's knowing with him I am never afraid, with him I am never alone. Life is being gathered up in blankets, it's helping someone you know really needed it, it's a long conversation with a dear friend, it's looking ahead and seeing myself in Paris, London, Barcelona, Madrid, Morocco. It's knowing someday, I'll be a woman that changes someone's life, knowing that I have goals and dreams and that I will succeed in them all. It's pictures and photographs that he takes that take my breath away, it's finding a way of life that is all our own, it's that one kiss before I go to bed and laying on his chest. Life is creating my own way, it's about faith and love, trust and courage. Life is about paving my own journey and learning along the way how to do it. It's about learning to trust me, learning who I am and accepting it. It's about finding my own reasons for living and learning how get to where I want to be and letting me make my own mistakes. It's about talking to people and learning, it's about falling and getting back up again. It's about a great cup of coffee and a winning hand of hold 'em. Life is about mistakes, and learning from them. It's about love and learning about it to make it better. Life is about moving on when you need to and holding on when nothing else makes sense. Life is about falling into a place, and then growing and finding a new place to fit into. LIfe for me is moving around, not settling into routine, not settling into the stereotype. Life is about finding colors in the earth, having a day just to paint some random wall, it's about doing good will and hoping for the future. It's about finding the love of your life and learning how to love, it's about finding twenty minutes out of the day and learning to sit and relax when you have a million things going on. It's about a risk you take, not knowing how it will be approached. It's about life, it's about faith, it's about love. Life is about living, about loving yourself and then others, it's about finding those few people that love you unconditionally and then branching out and finding out how far you can reach. It's about finding out who you are and then embracing all the world has to offer.

You

I’ve always been the one to do everything,
Always the one that creates a life,
Lives it and makes it all that it needs to be.
I’ve changed you, found you, loved you, but I’ve
Never needed you.

You’ve always been the one that they adore,
But I’m wondering what they’d do if they knew,
All the things that you do to me,
All the things I go through to be with you.

I’ve always been the favorite one,
And this life that we’ve created is more than asked for,
But I’m wondering how long I can be with it.
I’m growing up and you’re slowing down,
I’m moving on, you’re standing still.

And I need to move, I need to keep it going.
I need to be independent, I need to be loved,
Not needed.

It seems anymore that life is moving us apart,
And the words are changing who we are.
I have found myself, I have loved and lost,
I have grown into who I am,
Have you?

I’ve always been the strong one,
Always the one that takes what I have and uses it,
Creates something that I need and want.
I’ve changed you, as they say, found you, loved you,
But,
I’ve never needed you to be who I am.

EArth's Prayer

Sing along with the trees,
Embrace the power they spread,
The embrace they give,
The air they take under their breath.
Sing a song that no one else has,
Capture leaves in your fingertips
And snow on your face.
Watch the rain as it melts down this world
That we’ve created, then killed.
See the fog on the horizon and pray for peace,
For life and for love.

See the leaves over head, the footprints underneath,
And the warm breeze that never used to be there.
Watch as more and more come,
And less and less leave,
As the morning turns to night,
And the earth changes underneath us.

Sing for all of us,
Pray for light in the darkness we’ve created.
Keep life amongst the holy things,
Keep it locked and sacred, keep it real.

Sing along with the trees today,
Embrace them as our own,
Keep the rain clean, the oceans alive,
The fog from clearing. Sing along
With the wind, for it’s always been here,
In the prayers of the earth underneath us.

the passing

Remember when life was simple and when disappointment only lasted for a few minutes and then it was on to something else? Life was so much simpler when we were young and here we are now, sitting in this period in our lives where choices are perhaps the most difficult and the consequences greater, the disappointment lasting. There is no answer to what we do in these troubled times, just moments that we must find the strength to realize what we have, and what we don't and what we never will have. Sometimes we must find our nitch in this world, some place safe from all that we must encounter, sometimes we just need time to grow, time to learn about the world.

Disappointment is only one part of life, and we must learn to grow in it and see what we have over what we don't. We must look outside at the sun setting behind the hills and find the moments of strength, to look into the eyes of the one we love and to find comfort in their love, in their encouragement. It really is alright, even though it hurts, it really will pass.

Remember

Remember me? I'm the one you love, the one that loves pink and dark chocolate m and m's. I'm the one that has your heart, the one that loves Paris in the fall and the one that dreams of living abroad. I'm the one that hears your tears, the one that lives here instead of where I used to, the one that giggles while talking to Abby online and the one that every once in a while, makes you smile. I'm the one that would listen to your story for hours, the one that listens to Christmas music in September, and the one that painted your bathroom green.

Remember me? I'm back and here to stay, I love you and no one else, more than words will ever begin to be able to say. I'm here, and always will be. Always remember that.

*waiting for hope*

some people never cease to disappoint me... over and over again.

* a poem *

Cycle the Seasons

Some leaves may fall as we walk,
Limbs and branches in the golden sky above,
But that is just what the earth has to do,
What the Heavens command each time this year,
Each time before the winter hits.

The leaves cleanse themselves and fall,
Just as we must go through a period of falling
In order to regain the strength to grow again.
I have been falling lately, just like the leaves,
Lost, confused, and estranged,
Just like the golden leaves hanging out the window.
Yet in the end, we all must fall in order to grow again,
So we are leaves,
Falling and growing as the Heavens cycle the seasons
Around us.

woman

Trapped in a faith that no one else believes in. Wrapped in a wrath no one sees coming, underneath water five fathoms deep. Drowning in a love she cannot have, lost in a lust that rules her. Watching over everyone else at the expense of herself, she cannot have the desire that once was hers. Cured in the waters of Hell and locked in prayer that the world condemns. Alone in the dark with only a darker light to guide the way, in rain that never seems to stop, in life that never ceases to drain her. She is more than I, more than you, she is a living breath and a woman. She is that woman that we all are, that faith we all believe in yet few seem to grasp. She is the love we will never have, the lust that rules us all for something better. She is the darkest of the darkness and the brightest of the light. She is Heaven and Hell, she is each and every one of us women out there, wrestling with the good and the bad, with the lust and the love, with what's right and what's wrong. And in the end, she is deeper than oceans five fathoms deep and making choices we all must make. So may God guide us in this darkest of quest.

Stormy Weather

Do you really know my name anymore or is it just a moment on the tip of your tongue that slips away? You do not love me like you used to, you do not know the way I live or who I am or how I am so lost. You don't even whisper to me when I am in trouble, nor to you turn aside from him to see me. You do not measure up to the woman you used to be or come close to being the mother I once knew and loved. I feel like nothing in your presence and I feel like sand that you pick up and toss around just to humor yourself. No more am I your daughter, no more do I lend you this respect. I am lost, I am questioning, I am finding who I can trust and who I cannot. I am no longer who you thought I was, that much is clear. So wrapped in guilt, so hidden by fear, you stay there in your little shell you've created, rather he's created, and you say nothing, do nothing. But here I am, your only and eldest daughter, your friend, your beloved first child, your blood and I am here, holding on to nothing but myself on this cold autumn night. I am here, lost, lonely and afraid and when a child needs her mother most, you are not here. But in reality, you haven't been here for a long while, you have abandoned your child when she needs you the most. I am lost, misplaced and an orphan against the sea of storms heading my way. Do you dare turn away from me again, dear mother have I not been through enough of these storms? Must I bear ahead once more, all alone? I cannot take the rain anymore.

sometimes

Sometimes we have moments that we finally see ourselves for who we are and acknowledge it. Tonight I am realizing that I have a brand new start to make in the next week, and my life is only getting better and better as it continues. I am totally at peace with myself, something that's taken me a long time to get to this point. And in that peace, I am finding my love for the only boy that's ever had my heart deepen each and every day. It's in that peace that I am a stronger girl, woman, whatever I may be. I can look out the dark window here tonight and see flashes of light, because I know that in the end, I am becoming just who I want to be. Sometimes it takes something like a break down, sometimes it takes love, light and happiness to bring you to peace.

Sometimes we only need a moment to dispel all the wrong things in our lives. Sometimes sitting in the dark looking at a loved one is all we need to realize that life is too short not to love. For me, that love came in stages. I had never felt anything like it and as everyone around me noticed at the beginning, I was truly changed. He took my heart and kept it, and still keeps it. It was amazing how soon I felt it, how soon I knew he was the one, amazing how he took my breath away and still does after two long years. Then it changed to a deepening friendship and I loved being with him. He made me laugh, he held me when I cried and we got to know each other in a deeper and more intimate way. Our love grew, deepened, changed and evolved. Though I suppose that's what it's supposed to do. And so it grew, and so did we. We changed from two college students in a time of change and evolution into something different, into two adults beginning a life long relationship. Our responsibilities became greater, and with that so did the decisions we had to make. BUt along with that, our love only grew deeper and changed into a more grown up kind of love, an older kind of relationship. You know, my aunt said to the me the other day, "I think that to stay in a relationship with someone for a long time, the love has to grow and change along with the both people in it." And so it has for me and my love. As we have grown up, so has the love we hold. And here two years later, I have no doubts about where my life is headed with him. I have no apprehensions, (though I might get restless from time to time that's just me). I am just as head over heals in love with him today as I was two years ago. And as I look over at him sleeping right now, my heart skips a beat, my breath lingers on my tongue, and each time I see him, I fall in love again, each time he leaves, I count the footsteps as he goes and each moment away seems longer than it should.

And sometimes, I think that we just need to love in order to find ourselves. Sometimes we need to find that first passionate first love to find our exactly who we are and what we are capable of. And I pray everyday that I can forever hold onto my love that I have until the day I die, but if something ever happens to what we have, at least I know that I fell in love with someone that I deeply care for, someone that means everything in the world to me, and that what we had, was better than I ever thought love could be.

roots.

Speaking yesterday to a girl at work that grew up in the middle east, I realized just how much I miss it. How much I miss being the only pale skinned girl in the crowd, how I missed the uniqueness of the culture, how the sand felt when it blew against my skin, how endless the ocean seemed at my feet, how real it all felt, how it felt like home. I miss the sensation of religion calling to the masses, the way the sweet bread would melt on your tongue and the way, the sun felt in those early morning hours rising over the gulf. I miss the travel, the palm trees lining every road, the endless expanse of sand, the way the falcon soared over the earth and the way religion conquered all. I miss the traditions, the culture, the unique ways of the Arab world. I miss Saudi and I will never think of myself as a normal American girl, I never have been, I never grew up the way the rest of you grew up. I was imprinted with the print of the arab world more than I was of an American childhood. And even though I left at an impressionable age, I still wonder what it would be like to go back. I had forgotten a lot of the things I remember because no one that I know can relate to what I lived, how I grew up, until I met this girl at work the other day from Somalia, an arab country in Africa.

It dawned on me then, speaking to her of all the places I used to know so well. And I suddenly was drawn back to all the places, the memories, the culture, the traditions, the smells, the food, the way the sun would set over the desert in the late evening. I suddenly remembered the way the streets smelled, the way the desert looked at first light, the way the ocean felt so warm on your bare feet, the way the world seemed to stop turning when you looked out over the ocean that in just a short distance took you to the sands of Kuwait.

It's a beautiful world there, one that is often misunderstood, one that many seem ignorant about, one that people make judgement too quickly without understanding. It's a world of tradition, a place where life is lived the same it's been lived for thousands of years and in a world that is so rapidly changing, maybe we need more of that, maybe we need more of a world in which traditions forms a basis. It's sad how westernized the world has become, it's sad how tradition is being swept aside to become like us americans. In the end, I guess I realized that I had been pushing this huge part of myself aside, when I needed to embrace it and realize how much a part of me it truly is. I feel in my heart as I am part Arab, less American than Arab. For half my life I was Arab, then suddenly forced into America as a teenager, and now finally I am figuring out that I don't have to be either or, I can be both. I can be the American girl that grew up in Saudi Arabia and the Arab girl that moved to America. I can be both, because both are who I am, I am neither one without the other, both make up my soul, both make me who I am. And so until I can see the sands beneath the setting sun, and taste that sweet bread melting my mouth on the Saudi streets in the early evening when the sun is setting and suddenly there is relief from the heat, I will continue to go back to my Arab roots, regardless of what those around me think I am.

here's to hoping

Our days here are numbered and in each of those numeric weeks that flies by us with the setting sun, more and more of the things that are in our future get closer and closer. In just a few short years, I will be done with school, working, completely on my own, married, and beginning all that I choose to do. And as I sit here thinking, as I finally have time to actually just sit and think, I can't wait for all that is ahead of me, I can't wait to marry my love, to walk down that aisle and look up at him, and smile because he truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he came along at the perfect time in my life. And while sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on certain things, I always come back to the conclusion that he is the one I want to be with, he is the one that makes me feel loved and he is the one that I want to be with regardless of what night of the week it is or who might be going out.

I am turning 21 in a few weeks and I can't help but wonder, how did life come to this point so quickly? It seems yesterday we were just graduating from high school, barely knew who we were and worrying about prom dates, not bills and rent. It seems that as life goes, so does more responsibility. And in that, that only makes us stronger. I can't believe it sometimes when I look down and see that I am supporting myself, taking responsibility and making my own decisions. I am at a point where I feel like I can go to my parents as an adult and tell them what I've decided, and regardless of how they feel, I can do what I think is right.

And so as we grow up, ever so quickly, it's amazing how much is thrown at us. Here's to only hoping we have the strength, courage and ability to hold on to it and do all we can with it.

not only a dream

As I sit here and the sun is setting behind the trees and behind the clouds that soothed me today, I can see the leaves slowly changing colors outside. It's this time of year that truly makes feel myself, it's the way the leaves fall, the rain falling and the memories of love that get me right now. And in all honesty, as I take a moment to rest right now, after finishing up another quarter at school, it seems only natural to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that I can actually breathe and rest now, for a little while at least.

And as I look back, this has been one of the most trying quarters for me at school and at life. I went through a lot in my personal life in the last ten weeks and in school it was especially difficult getting everything done. I'm at a point right now where I just want to learn, and that in itself, I think tells me that this is exactly what I want to do with my life. You know, I said to Nick the other day, "I love my school and I love what I'm doing," and he remarked back, "You're really lucky that you can say that because not that many people can say that." And that makes me smile, even here and now because he's right, I've found so much in the past couple of years that many people search for for a lifetime. In the past two years, I have found the love of my life, a boy who I've watched become a young man, a man that takes care of me, that loves me unconditionally and more than I ever thought I could be loved and a man that I know will never let me down. My love for him today is the strongest its ever been and it only continues to grow each and every day we are together. I have found a school and passion in my life that I can continue doing that I love. I found something that I want to do for the rest of my life and I love doing it. I have met people that have changed me, friends that I will keep for the rest of my life, friends that know me and respect me for who I am. I've lost a lot of people that were important in my life, and I've lost family to death and to distance in the past few months.

But through it all, I've learned the most about myself and looking back to this time two years ago, I've changed almost every part of myself and my life and it's all for the better. I am a different person than I was back then, I am a more mature, sophisticated, confident and well rounded person than I was, and in the past two years, not only have i found a dream for my future, but I've found a reality that can make that future come true.

... for us all....

*Remember*

Always remember your father’s smile,
And your childhood home.
Remember the way a child laughs,
And the way it smells after it rains.
Remember the moment when you found yourself,
The touch of every hand you shake,
And the feel every hug you give.

Always remember the first time
And the last time,
Remember the love you’ve had for others,
Regardless if that love still exists of not.
Remember what hurt you the most,
And the best moment of your life.

Always remember what means the most,
Remember to say the three little words
That begin with “I” and end in “u.”
Remember your first love,
And the face of every loved one gone.

Always remember the way the sun sets,
And how the leaves drop in the fall.
Remember the moments with family,
And the long talks with those you love.
Remember the connections, and strive
To keep them.

Remember you are loved,
And no matter where life takes us,
We always come back to a spot that keeps
Us whole.

Remember the strength it took to grieve,
And the courage it takes to move on.
Always remember his smile,
After all, it was the best smile in the world.

*Blessed*

It's interesting how things all come to play in our minds. I honestly have never been close to anyone that's died, never had a close relative die unexpectedly, never had a friend gone in an instant. THat is, until now. And as of a few weeks ago, my family was extremely complete, and though we definitely have things that create issues, we were all alive and well, happy and alive. That is until my grandma's brother died on August 19th, a day I'll always remember, because it was the morning after a whirlwind weekend for Alyssa's wedding. I'll never forget that phone call because it marked a huge transition in my life. It marked a day when forever I'll remember what it felt like to have something like that hit you, something like realizing you'll never see someone again. I remember not knowing how to feel, because although I didn't spend every day with my beloved Uncle Jerry, I definitely had a connection with him, a relationship, a bond. I was confused, unsure and lost for a while.

The reason I am writing this now and not a few weeks ago when he passed, was that on Thursday, I attended his funeral, his memorial, his remembrance. And once again it hit me so hard, harder than I expected because first off, all the memories came flooding back. And secondly, it was very hard for me to see my Grandma, to see how close she was to her big brother and how important of a person he was in her life, and to see her hurting because he would never be that big brother ever again in this life. And lastly, it truly hit me especially hard because for the first time, I realized that I may not have many years left with my grandparents, who I am extremely close with. It will be extremely hard for me losing them, harder than this of course, because it will be such a stronger bond I am leaving behind, such a stronger connection gone.

It's ironic, because my whole life I have lived with huge goodbyes. And I say this knowing that a "huge goodbye" is much larger than moving to a different house in the same city, more than saying goodbye when you leave for college. At 10 years old, I said goodbye forever to a country I loved as my own, to the only world I knew, to friends that were family that I will never see again, to a family life that I would never have again in the states. I said goodbye again at 18, again, to a family that would never be the same again, to friends, to a home, to a place. So in a way, goodbyes are not foreign to me at all, they are not unique. Goodbyes, in some respects, I have known more than lasting stability.

But saying goodbye this time, saying it so finally, so dramatically came at a high price. Death is never an easy thing for us to see in our generation, in fact, we don't know how to quite embrace it. It was very hard for me, very weird to see someone I loved gone and remembered in such a way. And at the same time, I keep thinking how much everyone in my life means to me and what death really means, something that I didn't know much of before. And it occurred to me as my grandma and I spent some time together this weekend, that we must find our strength and sometimes, to find it, we have to lose something that means the world to us. For her to find she could be this strong, for family to come together for a moment to grieve, and for family to reconnect, death was the biggest blessing we could have seen. And though we are all hurting, though we are all struggling with this, how blessed am I to have known my dear, beloved uncle Jerry? How blessed were we all.

I was reading my myspace profile tonight and for the first time in a long time I realized that I have forgotten about so many of the things that I love and that are so dear to my heart. And I've been so busy that I've let go of some of the things that make me who I am so I decided to write this list, to help me remember those things that sometimes get overlooked but that are some of those important little things that make me smile and keep me going and that make me who I am. So here it is: I am who I am and have come to believe that the smallest things in life often make us better people and create a more whole person.

1. sunsets
2. the Riverfront on a chilly day with clouds covering the city
3. rain
4. long walks
5. night minds by missy higgins
6. looking into his eyes and seeing who i am
7. a really great glass of savignon blanc
8. sweet cream with rasberries
9. pink
10. V.S.
11. getting dressed up
12. golfing at sunset
13. seeing my future with someone
14. tulips, roses, and dark chocolate
16. the number 8
17. the beach
18. SEx and the City
19. scarves
20. cupcakes
21. getting magazines in the mail
22. letting everything else go so that i can read them
23. pink burberry
24. pulling my hair back at the end of the day and taking off all my make up
25. staying in on a rainy day and watching movies
26. fitting into the city and feeling at home here
27. Paris
28. sleeping sound
29. sleeping in
30. pf changs
31. dreaming

*beloved*

Finally breathing once again, I can feel my heart flutter at the loss of a loved one, yet at the same time feel some peace as to where he is now. I can see clearly the night sky out the window of this apartment that has become my home, with the one person that has been there for me unconditionally through the trials and obstacles, through the tears and times of need. After a weekend of anxiety, tears, frustration and fatigue and the loss of a few of the friends I used to know, I came to find myself in the hour of need.

As I kept thinking in my mind, my life has changed into that of a child with all decisions made for, to the life of an adult on my own, living and breathing on my own, making the choices for myself and no one else. And in the same span of a few days I went from a wedding that has a small chance of making it, to finding out that friends aren't always the people you think they are, to the death of a family member and the reconciliation between mother and child. And through all the journies, through all the events, the losses, the gains, I am here at home finally breathing once again. I sit here, sipping my wine, looking at the boy that proves himself and his love to me over and over and the boy that I know that I could not live with out. I am looking back on what has happened and what has changed, and I can only walk away from it changed and more adult, better.

So may God watch above the man that lost his life, but gained a soul in the clouds of HEaven. May God create happiness for as long as possible for two people not ready for the sacrament of marriage and may he watch over all the people on this earth mourning my uncles death for he was a beloved and cherished man, loved and needed.

every second

This last week has been one of many revelations. It has shown me a number of things that have only made me believe deeper in all that I have going on in my life. In the past few days, I realized that I have truly found the love of my life, and he is everything that I see in my future and everything that I find myself loving. He is the other half of every piece of me and through him, everything makes sense. I've realized that while I love this town I used to call home, while the place I grew up in will always be a huge part of my life, it is not my calling for the years to come. It is a place that will always hold my heart, but a place that I will not call my own again in my life. THere is nothing wrong with other people wanting this as their home, it's just simply not for me, simply not what I want for my own life.

And I watched as people my age and older have acted like we were back in high school, creating drama, breaking up with boyfriends over stupid little dramatic things just to get attention, creating identities that are not who they are, just to fit in with the crowd. And they are living the life that I have found is not for me, living a life that I have never wanted for myself, nor will I want it, nor does it appeal to me.

This weekend has affirmed my beliefs, showed me that my instincts are right, and that all that I am, all that I stand for is truly who I am, I am not putting on a show for anyone or trying to fit in, I have found myself and I have found that when you truly become comfortable with who you are and what you believe in, that the world is at your fingertips.

I am so blessed for what I have in my life and for the people that I love so dearly. I have such big plans for my life, and lately I have realized that even though I have all these plans, the only thing that truly matters is the one boy that will always have my heart and my relationship with him. Because in the end, he is my other half and he is the reason that I wake up each morning, and breathe every breath before I sleep. He is the reason life is worth every second that it is.

In my Heart

Alone again and suddenly I realize how much I miss you. Suddenly, knowing tonight will be longer than usual, knowing that life is different somehow, makes me realize what we have. I know we are not apart in hearts, but in space, we are very far apart for a while. We are torn by commitments, keeping those regardless of how we feel. But that's the kind of people we are, and that's precisely why I love you like I do.

Tonight would be the perfect night at the river front, the perfect night for "I love you," the perfect night to fall asleep in your arms, tonight though, we are apart. So for tonight my love, keep me in your heart, as you are in mine, and once again, we will be alright.

standing up

I've been thinking a lot lately, reflecting on the past couple of months. It seems like all of a sudden I'm in a different place than a lot of my friends are, not that that's bad, but suddenly it's hitting me. I am right where I want to be, I am not really that dependent on my parents other than my rent, which any more is just a technicality and not really what I want anyways. I have found out lately, I can take care of myself, I can handle things, I can financially handle things without asking them for money, without them giving me any.

I am on my own, making my own decisions without family influence for the most part. I am living my own life, doing my own thing and I'm not ashamed of anything that I've done or do every day. I am living my life how I want to, doing it on my own, growing up and I'm better off for it. So many times we rely so much on the people that we grew up with and we rely on their decisions more than we rely on ours that our minds stay closed off to that little world, that little bubble we grew up in.

Personally, getting out of my parents house was the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting out there on my own was what I needed most, what I know now I was supposed to do and life right now couldn't be better. While I want so badly to move in here with Nick, I know that it will happen, that it will come in a few months and all will fall into place.

All I know is that so much of the time we think we are making decisions and choices on our own but in reality, all we are doing is relying on our parents more to make them for us. When we stand up to family and portray truly what we want, it gives you more character than anything else in the world. It's then that you are truly an adult.

me

I feel so much like a flower with almost all petals gone, worn down to the last layer of skin, the last piece of petal that exists on this stem of a life that I live. I feel as if, anymore, I have nothing to hold on to, as if I have nothing to guard me from what comes next. And as much I as seem to put on a brave face and go on living as I am, inside I feel so broken, so alone. It feels like I literally have a million things going on right now and every time I turn around, another person leaves me behind or hurts me, whether knowingly or not. And I can't take anymore hurt, I can't take anymore tears, I can't take anymore of this treatment, because I deserve more, I am more.

I am broken, falling, missing the petals that make me who I am. I am lost, alone and scattered. And for the first time in a long while, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't have the energy to go on like this, so I will sit idly by and hope for the storm to pass. I don't have the time or the patience to do this anymore so I'm going to figure it out on my own. Because in the end, lately, I've realized all you really can every count on is yourself.

I Can Wait

You know the past few days have been try..ng, the past few weeks actually have been incredibly emotional and all in all, the past few months have been a bit rough. But I've learned one thing through it all, I can at least bring up certain things and discuss them like an adult with the people that I care about. And while I may not understand the reasons behind the answers I get, while I may not agree with them or accept them as my own beliefs, I have to learn that what I do with my life does affect other people, regardless if I want them to or not.



The decision I was making, in the end, hurt too many people in the process and perhaps came upon that big of a choice too fast, but I found out that I had the strength and the support to show me the way I ended up choosing. For now, I will go on the way it is, for now I will be the good daughter, the good child, for now I will do as I am wanted to do, and wait, because what's another six months or a year in the span of a lifetime?



And it's a lifetime I can't wait to start living, but in the span of it all, I can wait.

deep city lights

here in the concrete town that shelters me,
here without reason,
here without answers,
I give my heart to you,
open and free and scarred.

here without question,
without a way for me to get it back,
here without friends or foes,
apart from family,
apart from soul,
here is my heart for you to keep.

here in this world that shines at night,
i am finding reasons i never knew existed,
i am finding my heart beneath the sheets that soon
may be ours, beneath the hearts that once ran wild.

here in the concrete town that gives its heart at night
to the river below, in the world that dreams create
and realities only cease,
i give my heart,
i give my hand,
i give my soul.

needs

I suddenly feel alone, all alone. My best friend is making a decision for herself this summer, a decision that is effecting me as well and without her, I feel like in a way I am being left behind, lost, abandoned. And while I know its what she thinks she needs, personally I don't think it is. And all at the same time, I need a change, I need to move on from where I am now and everything seems stale. And suddenly all I want is to leave, begin a new part of my life.

And while I sit here, I feel like everything I want right now, everything I need, will not happen to me for a long time. Why am I constantly the one that does everything right and end up getting punished in the end? How is that fair, how is that right? I want so badly to do the things that I want, to make my decisions, but in the end, I never can because too many other people tell me now, that this isn't the right time, that this is wrong.

I want someone to answer yes, to want to be with me, to want me to have what i want. I want so much from my life and I feel like right now, no one will let me make the choices I know are right... no one will let me do what I want with my life.

Believing Again

When I stopped believing you called my bluff, when I started crying to made me stop and wiped away my tears. When my heart hurt you found the only cure to the starving sensation in my heart. I needed love when I couldn't find any, just like I needed a boy when you suddenly appeared. And sitting here, looking around at the photographs of us, in this home we've created, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, I wouldn't want anyone else. I look back through the memories, back through the tough times, the best times, the days I've fallen in love with you over and over again. And as life continues to overwhelm me, it always continues to grasp me in its grip, and hold it tight.

Baby, you appeared in a time in my life when nothing made sense, when every morning I awoke to wonder who I was. And suddenly, one boy changed everything, one word, one kiss, one life, one love, you. And in just a few years of our lives, we've come to be people we live with out, we've come to be lovers living a life for each other and finding ourselves within the process. I love you more than these words can say... thanks for showing me I could believe again.

When It Rains, It Pours

They say that when it rains it pours, the problem is, I love the rain, as long as I don't have to in the middle of the storm. I like to be the one perched beside my open window, touching each drop as it falls but only for a moment. Perhaps that is the problem lately, each drop has been pouring not into my hand, but directly onto me. I have seemed to be in the middle of the enormous rain storm that has hit, alone in the middle of a desert, unsure of what to do with all the rain pouring down from the supposed Heavens above. In the past month of so it seems like it has been a constant storm, this after that, pouring down all at once barely supporting the lifeless body that captures me now. And finally, along this lonely stretch of solitude, I found my way again through love, and yet once again, hit hard with something that hits way too close to home.

And if people think I have a lot on my mind, they have no idea because there is more than anyone even knows. My mind only continues to hold onto more information and lately none of it has been good... none of it worth a second of time. News keeps piling up, things keep happening, things arriving late, hassles to take care of, fights, making up and finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, then today.

Only a few know of what is happening, only the few I trust the most... but even though I might laugh about it, I am scared inside and unsure of how to handle it. I don't know where this puts me, grand-daughter once removed or grandfather never seen again, shunned away. I am lost in my mind once again and unsure of the next route to take. I guess I've always said I loved the rain, but more than the rain itself, I guess I liked the vision of it, never hitting too close to home and now that it has, all I want are sunny skies.... but then again, is that real life? I guess not.

where?

I miss whole heartedly believing in love. I miss knowing that the butterflies will arise and I miss the smallest things that love has to offer. I miss the urge to kiss him, I miss the inconvenient dates and movie nights. I miss the awkward seating, the flare of love at the beginning. I miss those first kisses, and the first time you hold hands with someone you really know you care about. I miss getting exciting at his phone calls, and I miss the way I used to feel when I had nothing else to do but do nothing with him. I miss the sudden treats, the surprises in the rain. i miss surprises.

I miss knowing that it's real. I miss never doubting myself, and I miss the times when I didn't question everything. I miss the romance, the real romance, not the imitations we play on now. I miss the way you looked at me, i miss the way nothing seemed too important when we were together. I miss the feeling of being in love, the feeling everyone else noticed too. I miss those first I love you's, then not overused, then they were truly real and meant. I miss just laying next to you, not having to nag or ask you to put stuff away. I miss not caring about anything when I was with you. I miss the days when you actually cared to do everything before you saw me, so we'd have time together.

I miss knowing love was perfect, I miss knowing we were invincible. I miss that anxiety before seeing you and I miss the special surprises, not the ones that are now cliche, but the ones when you asked me if it was raining, when you ran all over town just to get me my orchid for my birthday. I miss the moments when all I want to do is be with you, no fights, not arguments, no hastle. I miss you being you, I miss myself being with you. I miss walking with you, and the times when you did all you should do on your own without being asked to do it. I miss never having to ask you to do anything. I miss your touch, that gentle caress that means more than me having to ask you for it. I miss those times when I was the only thing in your life that mattered, no cameras, no computers, just me.

And in the end I know we didn't mean for it all to end up like this. I know we didn't mean for all of this to go out the window, but it did. All of the special things that made us special are gone, not lost, but gone. And in the end, all I can hope for is that you'll read this tomorrow and miss them too. Because my love, where did we go wrong?

intentions

When the night wears down, the wind starts up and the darkness captures the skycraping towers that I know, I come home to this place alone and wash the city off my face. I find myself here tonight, suddenly clearing all the doubt from my mind, suddenly erasing every shred of question that I've created for myself in the past few months. And while the last few months have been such and ups and downs, I can't believe how far we've come, how much we've been through together, how much we've accomplished and hurt together. Even now, you are the one I think of when you are gone. Even now, when I am alone and calm, even now when I look at out this beautiful city we both love so much, I still hold dear in my heart how much I still feel for you. And in the past month I have questioned a lot, worn weak from all that's happened, I wasn't sure that this is truly what I wanted, that this was truly what was right for me. But I know now, this break is all I needed, this time alone, to think, to watch, to breathe. The streets are quiet and so is my heart, my thoughts quieted by the absence of the streetcar and my heart warmed by the city lights surrounding my mind.

I do know that you are the person I am meant to be with. You are the boy that I need, the boy that created who I am now. I never thought I'd be the person that needed someone to be happy with her life, but love has changed me, life has changed me in the past couple of years. And you are my future, I do know that now. I ask only one thing of you my love: please let me question things, for that is the only way I will find the answers I am looking for. Please let me let go in order for you to catch me, it's how my heart works, always has, always will.

So lately, it is in my questioning that I have learned to find more truth about my life, in my questioning that I have found more about myself and more about the life I know I am intended to live.

A Bottle of Wine and a Sad Country Song

Do you ever find yourself watching from a distance? I get lost watching you from across the room, I find my heart racing when you smile my way. You are a dream that lasts forever, you are silent black and white movie that ends happily every single time. You are the one that shows me which path is right, the one that sacrifices it all so that I may have my rain. You are my rain. You are my riverfront view and a stormy afternoon with nothing to do. You are my weekends away and my Paris. You are a fabulous glass of wine and you are the only person that has ever wanted to know this much about my soul. You are my everything.... without you at the end of the day, I am nothing but another girl at home with a bottle of wine and a sad country song.

Just for Me

There is someone waiting for me in the rain,
someone smiling as the sun passes
through my eyes,
and as the street fills up momentarily for the traffic to pass.

There is someone waiting for me to look their way,
someone waiting all day to see me for the first time,
and then whisk me away to the home we have created.

There is someone that holds my hand no matter how cold
it may be and feeds my deepest aspirations.
There is someone waiting for me in the rain,
in the damp city streets,
someone that knows the fall changes me,
that knows how much the rain cures me.

There is someone waiting for me,
just for me.

Brilliant Presents

As long as I can remember my life has been about family. Growing up I found more solice in my family than in friends. In all honesty my frienships were just kind of fronts, lots of them never amounting to anything. And when my family fell apart, when it changed from being a protection against the world, I suddenly became more aware that family isn't anything. For most, it seems like the opposite occurrs: friends are what get you through the teenage years, family is what connects you later in life. For me, I didn't really come into my own until just a couple years ago, until I was out of the house, until I was on my own in a new place with new people. And suddenly in that time I came to find that my friends are now what keep me together, my friends are what mean the most to me in the world.

I have found out that family isn't always there for you, they have their own agendas, especiallly when you are far apart in distance. And while the love never leaves, it becomes a different kind of love. It becomes a more grown up take care of yourself kind of love. And when that love becomes something other than it was in childhood, I become more and more acute of how the love I have for my friends is changing me day in and day out. And here I am, two years ahead of where I was starting out and along the way I have met some amazin people that have changed my life. I have come to depend on them, I have told them things I would never be able to tell anyone else and they are what keeps me going day after day. So here's a little shout out to each one of them: they deserve every word written about them.

Nick: After finding you, after realizing that you are my soul mate, the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with, I have to come to depend on you, to confide in you like no one else. You are first and foremost my best friend in the entire world and without you, I would be lost. You are the only person I trust without reserve, the person I know that will always be there for me, even if not in person, you will make time to support me.

Alyssa: Where do I begin? Well I guess beginning with the fact that we didn't really get along at first and then as the years went by became best of friends. I'll never forget the days of you just showing up at my house to take a nap in the afternoon, your beloved candy drawer and that senior year when we grew even closer. WE've seen each other through a lot and in the years that I've known you, you've taught me more lessons that you could ever imagine. You are the total opposite of me, but in that we learned to find a balance. You were the friend that helped me grow up, the friend that I've become so proud of and the friend that got me through the high school years. You are a friend I will never forget, a friend that will always be part of my history and present and future.

Abby: For only knowing you for a year, you are the closest friend up here that I have. I can honestly say I have never laughed as hard as I have with you and everything from our nicknames to our stupid stories, I have fun with you every single time we're together. I can tell you anything and I appreciate you so much for not judging, for listening despite your feelings on the subject. I love you like a sister and I love how I can talk to you at any time and always come out of it feeling good. You are a friend that will stand beside me at my wedding and that will never stray far from my reach.

Brittany: With all the things we've done, all the stupid games we've played, all the talks we've had, you have only become a closer friend in the last year. And I've cherished our friendship so much because you have become one of my closest friends. Who knew? Who knew this is where we would be. And B, I am so proud of who you are and I respect you so much for being the person you are, you always hold your head high and go for it, something I strive to do. I love how much closer we've gotten and I know this is a little too sentimental for you, but if you are reading it... deal with it! haha

Don: For a friend that was the first friend in Portland, thank you for accepting me as I am. I'll always remember our freshman year and I'll always remember it being as good as it was because of you. You always can make me smile, you an always make me have a good time and for that, I am so grateful I met you. I am so grateful that we became friends because without you, Portland wouldn't be the same. And even though the distance has kept us apart more this year and it will in the future, our friendship still means a lot to me and I know that you will be one of the guys standing up with me at my wedding, you will be a friend that stays with me for a long time. Thanks for the wonderfl memories and for always making me realize how wonderful life is.

As life goes on, people come and people go. But these people are the ones that will never leave my mind and will always be a brilliant presence in my life.

Morning Goodbye

Lay your head down,
sigh until there is no more breath
drawn from the lungs of life within you.

The night has drawn asleep now,
so lay down beside me and caress the night,
keep in skin deep and hold your head high.

Leave before the dawn, but return to me.
Fall asleep within my the shoulder of my mind
but do not leave without goodbye.

Do not leave

without


me.

Don't Let Go

I can't see the city anymore, but I don't need it. I can't find the lights anymore, but I don't need them to guide me. I don't have the strength anymore but I don't need it. With love here beside me, with prayers and faith in my heart, and a constant succession of harmonies in my soul, I'm okay. And for the first time in a long while, for the first time since it all, I have the strength to breathe. For the first time in a while I can honestly look out this window and feel like I am home, feel like this is where I belong, where I survive best.

And after a revelation, I only want to lay here with you. I only want to lay here beside your body and I want to know that in the morning you will be there, I want only to know that you will be there. I have no regrets, no secrets, no movements without you there. And in these twenty years there has never been someone to make me breathe like you do, never someone to take my very breathe from within my lungs. And it is you that can always see through the mess, your eyes that can always see through my soul, your eyes that see me, and only me and everything that I am.

It's how I learned to breathe. It's how I learned to walk again, how I learned to live again: through you. And inside my soul, it's you that never leaves, it's you that survives within my mind within every moment of every day. It's you that has the trust I give no one else, it's you that leaves me speechless and honest. It's only you that hears me when no words leave my lips, you that holds my hand no matter how cold it may be. I am stronger because of you, deeper because of you, better because of you.

And in all the twenty years I've lived, I never dreampt of this, I never thought it would exist. And while life only continues to swirl around us, it's only you that keeps me breathing, only you that keeps me found. You are the breathe in my own lungs, the moments and the kisses and the words and the memories that never die. You are that morning "I love you," the kiss before bed, the surprise on the streetcorner. You are diet coke in a wine glass, a 160 yard drive and a bogey on hole 3. You are lime in a diet coke, pf changs when nothing else sounds good. You are lime green and pink and black, you are "did you brush your teeth?" You are my 66 on a par 72, you are my hat turned to the side with your hand through your hair, you are an apple icard and an isight conversation. You are a townhouse in the pearl and my 72 hour weekend. You are every memory that's every meant anything at all and you are the only memories that will ever mean anything.

You are the one that Heaven gave to me, you are the one that belongs by my side, the one that I don't know who I am without. And when time runs out, when the sky turns that shade of gray, I will nothing but lay beside you and hold your hand. Because in the end, nothing else will ever matter besides us. Nothing will ever matter more than me and you. So baby, hold my hand ... and don't let go.