As we grow up, we find out that decisions are harder than we ever thought they would be, and that love is greater than we ever knew or thought possible. We find out that certain friends will fade, lovers will come and go, and heart ache will be known by us all in some form or another. We find out that simple doesn't exist in the adult world and that things are more complicated than we ever thought they could be. We find out that work is never ending and there is always more to do, that no matter how hard we work, we must always find comfort within ourselves.
But in all the pain and heartache and vulnerability, we find hope. We find truth in new beginnings and in letting old loves go. We find as we grow up that love with come and go, but Love with a capital L, will always be there. It might take us a little while to find it, and it may take years before we know it's real, but it's there, and perhaps always has been.
As we get older, Love is the one thing that will always tell us what to do next. And if our Love is strong enough so that two people may go off on their own and pursue their own dreams, then you know it's true and real and genuine. And if it comes to the point where your Love drives two people apart, well perhaps it was rushed, perhaps you both need time to grow, and perhaps letting it go for now is the best decision you could make. Love can be strong or weak, selfish or giving. It can be pure and true or dishonest and devastating.
But the best love of all, is knowing that whatever you put into it, the other person is putting the same.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Suddenly
As my dreams are fast approaching,
suddenly I need nothing else,
but you and us.
Suddenly, the moments don't make sense
without you by my side,
without you here in my life.
I've never deserved anything more than you,
and no one has ever loved me like you,
no one ever touched me so deep.
Suddenly, all the days together are not enough,
suddenly, moments away are crucially hard,
and suddenly, I am realizing how many times over I need you.
I need you now and always,
I need you in my life and by my side.
I need you more now than ever,
as I move on in this transition,
I need you to hold my heart,
and my hand.
Suddenly I am so afraid to move on without you,
in fear of losing all that I ever loved.
suddenly I need nothing else,
but you and us.
Suddenly, the moments don't make sense
without you by my side,
without you here in my life.
I've never deserved anything more than you,
and no one has ever loved me like you,
no one ever touched me so deep.
Suddenly, all the days together are not enough,
suddenly, moments away are crucially hard,
and suddenly, I am realizing how many times over I need you.
I need you now and always,
I need you in my life and by my side.
I need you more now than ever,
as I move on in this transition,
I need you to hold my heart,
and my hand.
Suddenly I am so afraid to move on without you,
in fear of losing all that I ever loved.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Coming Next
As I began writing this tonight, I had another idea in my head. I was going to write about the new year to come and our chance to make a change and to make a difference. But as I sit here, I am realizing that I have so much to say and yet, not enough time to write it all. And here tonight, there are those of us hurting, those of us fighting for that very last breath that they can muster up, fighting for the words to say what they really feel. There are those that are fighting with those they love and those that are trying with everything they have to carry on through another day.
But if we could stop for a moment and step back, take a breath and look around us at the people that love us, we would see that life is just a book. It's a collection of pages and chapters, a collection of words and letters and even if one chapter might be really hard to get through, we must know that the next one has the potential to be so much better. Chapters end, so do pages, so do sentences, and so do relationships, friendships, careers and life situations. We must look at life not as one thing, but as small chapters and eras that we must go through to get to the end. And each day, we must grow a little stronger, we must hold our head a little higher, and each day it will get a little bit easier. And before we know it, we will be on to the next chapter, turning the pages as quickly as we can because we are enjoying it so much. But we must learn to savor it, to enjoy the time we have and to enjoy the happiness we feel. We must learn to capture the moments, both good and bad, because they are what make our lives what they are. Without pain, there would be no joy in happiness, without happiness we wouldn't know the depth of pain.
So to those of us that are hurting tonight, that are thinking their life is over and that there is no chance for happiness in the future, may you know that this is just one chapter in your life book and if you just keep turning the pages, there will be a good chapter coming next.
But if we could stop for a moment and step back, take a breath and look around us at the people that love us, we would see that life is just a book. It's a collection of pages and chapters, a collection of words and letters and even if one chapter might be really hard to get through, we must know that the next one has the potential to be so much better. Chapters end, so do pages, so do sentences, and so do relationships, friendships, careers and life situations. We must look at life not as one thing, but as small chapters and eras that we must go through to get to the end. And each day, we must grow a little stronger, we must hold our head a little higher, and each day it will get a little bit easier. And before we know it, we will be on to the next chapter, turning the pages as quickly as we can because we are enjoying it so much. But we must learn to savor it, to enjoy the time we have and to enjoy the happiness we feel. We must learn to capture the moments, both good and bad, because they are what make our lives what they are. Without pain, there would be no joy in happiness, without happiness we wouldn't know the depth of pain.
So to those of us that are hurting tonight, that are thinking their life is over and that there is no chance for happiness in the future, may you know that this is just one chapter in your life book and if you just keep turning the pages, there will be a good chapter coming next.
Friday, December 19, 2008
to stay or to go....
We grow up believing that we are invincible, that nothing can touch us, that love will always be perfect, that the people we love will never give up on us. And we believe these things, until we experience something different, until reality hits home. We grow up in a bubble, in a world where love never fails, where fairy tales seem real. We grow up thinking that we'll marry the perfect guy, live the perfect life and live happily ever after.
And then something happens, that dream suddenly is gone, and it breaks us. Suddenly, we realize we were too young to make decisions, that we rushed things that might have needed more time, that we didn't do enough on our own, or that perhaps we loved someone we never should have. Suddenly everything breaks, our souls, our hearts, our lives we've been creating. We think we're so grown up, making these life long decisions, choosing our own fates and suddenly, we wish we were just kids again.
Sometimes love does falter, sometimes we love people that we aren't meant to love, sometimes we stay when we should go and sometimes, we just want that fairy tale dream even though we know now it isn't real. Sometimes love happens at the wrong time, sometimes it was never love at all. Sometimes, the light just fades so much we can't see it any longer, sometimes, we get lost ourselves and need time alone to figure it out. Sometimes we can't wait for people to change, sometimes we realize they were all we wanted.
Life isn't easy, it isn't a fairy tale, and it isn't that "playing house" we think it will be when we dive in. Life is long and rough, it's hard and sometimes, it's painful. And sometimes, we have to let go to move on. Other times, we must clinch our teeth and wait it out, to see if that person we love truly loves us back. Love is different for each person, and what it looks like on the outside, is never what it truly is.
And so, we must just all slow down. Love will never rush, so why do we? Let it be, let it go, let if show its true colors. Sometimes we have to let it go to move on, sometimes no matter how hard it is, we must find the strength on our own. Sometimes, we must wait it out, and let that other person find what they are looking for, before they can come back to you. Sometimes love is about moving on, sometimes its about bad timing. But no matter what happens between those two people, it doesn't mean they never loved. Even if you let go, it doesn't make that love you had any less real. So we must look deep inside ourselves and find what we truly need, and if letting go is the answer, than we must let go and have no regrets. But if we know we must wait, then wait a lifetime for the love you know is real.
And then something happens, that dream suddenly is gone, and it breaks us. Suddenly, we realize we were too young to make decisions, that we rushed things that might have needed more time, that we didn't do enough on our own, or that perhaps we loved someone we never should have. Suddenly everything breaks, our souls, our hearts, our lives we've been creating. We think we're so grown up, making these life long decisions, choosing our own fates and suddenly, we wish we were just kids again.
Sometimes love does falter, sometimes we love people that we aren't meant to love, sometimes we stay when we should go and sometimes, we just want that fairy tale dream even though we know now it isn't real. Sometimes love happens at the wrong time, sometimes it was never love at all. Sometimes, the light just fades so much we can't see it any longer, sometimes, we get lost ourselves and need time alone to figure it out. Sometimes we can't wait for people to change, sometimes we realize they were all we wanted.
Life isn't easy, it isn't a fairy tale, and it isn't that "playing house" we think it will be when we dive in. Life is long and rough, it's hard and sometimes, it's painful. And sometimes, we have to let go to move on. Other times, we must clinch our teeth and wait it out, to see if that person we love truly loves us back. Love is different for each person, and what it looks like on the outside, is never what it truly is.
And so, we must just all slow down. Love will never rush, so why do we? Let it be, let it go, let if show its true colors. Sometimes we have to let it go to move on, sometimes no matter how hard it is, we must find the strength on our own. Sometimes, we must wait it out, and let that other person find what they are looking for, before they can come back to you. Sometimes love is about moving on, sometimes its about bad timing. But no matter what happens between those two people, it doesn't mean they never loved. Even if you let go, it doesn't make that love you had any less real. So we must look deep inside ourselves and find what we truly need, and if letting go is the answer, than we must let go and have no regrets. But if we know we must wait, then wait a lifetime for the love you know is real.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
little left to give
Sometimes I sit here and try to remember how we used to be. Sometimes I try and pretend that I'm 18 again, and sometimes I look at old pictures of us to try and feel how that used to feel. These days, I feel in stages. I feel so happy for such a time and then again and again, I end up here again, feeling lost, betrayed, disappointed and above all, so deeply hurt, over and over again. I keep trying to convince myself that we're right, that our relationship is as perfect as it seems on the outside to all those people in our lives, but then inside, my heart is breaking each and every day, with everything that I put up with, all the little things that sting over and over again.
Somewhere deep in my heart, I still believe that we are those two kids that fell in love, but somewhere deep in my mind, I don't know that we are. Every time we try again, start over, begin again, there is a new hurt, a new disappointment. Each and every time you promise me one more time, one more chance, I give up another piece of the soul I have left. And each and every time, I have little and little left to give.
Somewhere deep in my heart, I still believe that we are those two kids that fell in love, but somewhere deep in my mind, I don't know that we are. Every time we try again, start over, begin again, there is a new hurt, a new disappointment. Each and every time you promise me one more time, one more chance, I give up another piece of the soul I have left. And each and every time, I have little and little left to give.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Until we see it again
You know, I can see the city through the trees again for the first time since last year. There is something so beautiful about waiting for this moment, year after year, when the weather gets cold enough, when the winter begins to form, when the leaves are gone from the trees that block the view. And so finally, once again, for three or four months, I get to see the buildings downtown through the tree branches that once hindered the view. And for these three or four months, I get to be who I am so deep in my heart and looking through that window makes me calm, it soothes me deep into my skin.
Sometimes we get so caught up in what we can't see that we forget it's there at all. Sometimes, like those full trees, there are blocks in the way, things that block what we need the most, that block and keep the most important things from us. Sometimes what we're searching for, we just need to wait for a few months until the leaves fall and we can once again see what we need to, what we're meant to see, what we are supposed to see. Sometimes when the leaves come off of the trees, it clears that view that makes us whole again, sometimes when the leaves come off, we see through to that person that we haven't seen truly for a long time.
Sometimes, we just need the leaves to fall in order for our view to come back. Sometimes, we don't know what we're missing, until we see it again.
Sometimes we get so caught up in what we can't see that we forget it's there at all. Sometimes, like those full trees, there are blocks in the way, things that block what we need the most, that block and keep the most important things from us. Sometimes what we're searching for, we just need to wait for a few months until the leaves fall and we can once again see what we need to, what we're meant to see, what we are supposed to see. Sometimes when the leaves come off of the trees, it clears that view that makes us whole again, sometimes when the leaves come off, we see through to that person that we haven't seen truly for a long time.
Sometimes, we just need the leaves to fall in order for our view to come back. Sometimes, we don't know what we're missing, until we see it again.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
*on the other end*
There are times in our lives when we know exactly what is going to happen next. There are things that just come sequentially and there are things that just happen without us having to work to make them come. And then there are times when life suddenly puts a road block in front of us and makes us switch it up and choose a different way to go. Suddenly, I am realizing that in just a few short months I will hit one of those obstacles and I will have to stop, change my path and start over on a new road.
And I think that no matter which way we choose to go, there is one important thing to consider: we must always follow the way that we know we want, the way that we know is the best for us, the way that gets us closer to our dreams. And that road may take you away from those you love, it may take you far from where you started and it may take you away from all that you know, but it will make you grow. It will give you a step toward something more important, a step toward creating your life, a step toward following your dreams and a step toward finding out more about yourself and in yourself, more about life and love and hope.
There are moments when we will be scared, terrified actually, or what will come when we take that next step. There will be moments when nothing makes sense and tears fall for those we left behind, but there will also be satisfaction and fulfillment. There will be joy and accomplishment and dreams come true. For me, I have a feeling that I will end up somewhere far away from what I'm used to, somewhere closer to my "Paris," both figuratively and physically. For me, I just have a feeling that in just a few short months I will be leaving this city in which I became an adult, in which so many firsts took place and leaving this place and all the people in it. I just have a feeling.
And while that may not be the case, if it is, it doesn't mean that I love these people any less, it doesn't mean that I love this city any less, or that I am leaving behind my life. All it means is that there will be a time for me to grow as a person, as a designer, as an artist. It will be a time for me to find a new way, to fulfill that ever restless spirit within me and a way to find out a little bit more about the person I have become. It means that I will be that much closer to my dreams and that I will have done something that I truly want, that truly is right for me, that truly means what it should mean.
We cannot be afraid of being afraid, we cannot be afraid of being alone, because I've realized that no matter what, the people that love us will always be there, and when we are finished chasing those dreams, they will still be there with open arms waiting to hold us at the other end.
And I think that no matter which way we choose to go, there is one important thing to consider: we must always follow the way that we know we want, the way that we know is the best for us, the way that gets us closer to our dreams. And that road may take you away from those you love, it may take you far from where you started and it may take you away from all that you know, but it will make you grow. It will give you a step toward something more important, a step toward creating your life, a step toward following your dreams and a step toward finding out more about yourself and in yourself, more about life and love and hope.
There are moments when we will be scared, terrified actually, or what will come when we take that next step. There will be moments when nothing makes sense and tears fall for those we left behind, but there will also be satisfaction and fulfillment. There will be joy and accomplishment and dreams come true. For me, I have a feeling that I will end up somewhere far away from what I'm used to, somewhere closer to my "Paris," both figuratively and physically. For me, I just have a feeling that in just a few short months I will be leaving this city in which I became an adult, in which so many firsts took place and leaving this place and all the people in it. I just have a feeling.
And while that may not be the case, if it is, it doesn't mean that I love these people any less, it doesn't mean that I love this city any less, or that I am leaving behind my life. All it means is that there will be a time for me to grow as a person, as a designer, as an artist. It will be a time for me to find a new way, to fulfill that ever restless spirit within me and a way to find out a little bit more about the person I have become. It means that I will be that much closer to my dreams and that I will have done something that I truly want, that truly is right for me, that truly means what it should mean.
We cannot be afraid of being afraid, we cannot be afraid of being alone, because I've realized that no matter what, the people that love us will always be there, and when we are finished chasing those dreams, they will still be there with open arms waiting to hold us at the other end.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
A Generation
It's interesting the world we live in and grew up in. Looking back, it's amazing how different we are than the generation before us, how much we've helped to create and how much we're creating every day. We're the generation of Sex and the City, of Myspace and Facebook when it was only available to college kids. We're the generation that remembers when IMs were this new incredible thing and when the internet came into existence. We helped to pioneer the ideas of the blog, in which I am writing this tonight, and the generation that revolutionized the use of cell phones. We are the generation that has lived through two wars that stem from the same conflicts, and that have occurred in the same region of the world. We are the generation that are moving into the work field during the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression and the generation that elected a black president. We are the generation of The OC and LOST, the generation of text messaging and facebook status. We are the generation that has seen Britney Spears rise to stardom and then fall into whatever she is now, the generation that's seen Brad and Jen break up, the generation of Titanic, remember when we all went to that movie like three times. We are the generation in which communication is rather engaged in on the computer, and the generation in which a laptop is now the norm. We are the generation in which 9/11 occurred, in which airport security tightened and in which no one writes real letters anymore.
Our generation has seen so much, has lived so much and now is contributing so much to our future and the future of this world. We are the generation of touch screens and ipods, of dvd's and built in web cams. We are the generation that came out in massive numbers to vote in the presidential election and the generation that isn't afraid to believe in what we want and step forward into the world with two feet steadily on the ground. Watch out world, our generation is one like you've never seen before. Ours in one connected internationally like never before, ours is a generation with more at our fingertips that ever before and one that isn't afraid to go beyond those boundaries of generations before us. Ours is one of peace and hope, one of voices, millions of voices that are ready to make a difference.
Our generation has seen so much, has lived so much and now is contributing so much to our future and the future of this world. We are the generation of touch screens and ipods, of dvd's and built in web cams. We are the generation that came out in massive numbers to vote in the presidential election and the generation that isn't afraid to believe in what we want and step forward into the world with two feet steadily on the ground. Watch out world, our generation is one like you've never seen before. Ours in one connected internationally like never before, ours is a generation with more at our fingertips that ever before and one that isn't afraid to go beyond those boundaries of generations before us. Ours is one of peace and hope, one of voices, millions of voices that are ready to make a difference.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Choices
Here we are, a nation that has elected a president that not only is living history but that is a man that truly has our best interests at heart. And yet, in this age of history, in these moments where we are creating what happens next, we still fail to give rights to some Americans just because of their sexual orientation. Here we are, in a world that won't let two people in love marry one another because they happen to be the same gender. I guess I don't understand what's so wrong with that.
And you may answer that religion plays a part, that it's not "Christian," that God frowns on that. And I would say, what happened to the separation of church and state? What happened to American's right to the pursuit of their own happiness? I would say, why is this hurting you, what bearing do you have on the situation, and by two people that love each other creating a commitment legally, what bearing does that have on you and your life? Is it not the will of God to accept others, to accept people as they are, without judgement or discrimination?
And here in this world where we can so wonderfully look to the future, look at a man that we elected to bring us into a new era of change, that we can look to our system and have faith in it once again, can we not let same sex couples exchange vows? Can we not let them have the same freedoms as the rest of us?
I will never understand how some of us feel we have the right to take away freedoms from others just because they are different, whether they worship a different God, or they dress a different way, whether they love men or women, whether their skin is a different color than ours. I hope that someday our country moves to a place where we not only believe that racism and prejudice is behind us, but that we move to a place where no matter who you choose to love, you may be allowed to commit your life to that person and have the same freedoms that I have.
And you may answer that religion plays a part, that it's not "Christian," that God frowns on that. And I would say, what happened to the separation of church and state? What happened to American's right to the pursuit of their own happiness? I would say, why is this hurting you, what bearing do you have on the situation, and by two people that love each other creating a commitment legally, what bearing does that have on you and your life? Is it not the will of God to accept others, to accept people as they are, without judgement or discrimination?
And here in this world where we can so wonderfully look to the future, look at a man that we elected to bring us into a new era of change, that we can look to our system and have faith in it once again, can we not let same sex couples exchange vows? Can we not let them have the same freedoms as the rest of us?
I will never understand how some of us feel we have the right to take away freedoms from others just because they are different, whether they worship a different God, or they dress a different way, whether they love men or women, whether their skin is a different color than ours. I hope that someday our country moves to a place where we not only believe that racism and prejudice is behind us, but that we move to a place where no matter who you choose to love, you may be allowed to commit your life to that person and have the same freedoms that I have.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
*tonight: nov. 04, 2008*
Tonight I sat awaiting results from the most important election of our time. And once the news was posted and our new president took the stage to speak to our country, it brought tears to my eyes. Tonight marked a new era, a moment in which we took control of what we have lost for so many years. Tonight marked a day in our history that will be taught in schools, that will be taught as the day that our nation changed for the better, that it took a turn in which we are in control once again of our own nation and which the future will bring bright things.
And watching our new president speak, something he said hit me really strongly. He said, "I will always be honest with on what is going on," and for the first time in so many years of hearing politicians say that, I honestly believe that with President Obama, he is sincere in saying that and that he will hold true to that and to all else he is so bravely promising. As a young adult, I have to say that I have a very different set of values than other generations seem to have, and I have grown up with a different set of priorities for myself and for our country. And it's in those priorities that I find comfort in looking to Obama as our leader, it's in those values that I know in my heart he will uphold and believe in. I know in my heart he will believe in me and my generation, that he will acknowledge our strengths and use them to the best of our advantage. I truly believe that he is the change that we need, the motivation to succeed and the leader to bring about a new America, a leader to bring about a new world.
I know that many people still object to this man, to the new president of the United States, but let me say this. He, above all people, believes in us, believes in what my generation can do and what we have the potential to change. If nothing else, believe in us. Believe in the power we have, in the thousands of minds that we can put to use, in the millions of young adults that believe in a different way of life. Believe in us. Believe in our strength and believe that we have the power once again to change the world.
Tonight, tears came to my eyes as I watched our new president speak. And those tears were not from nervousness or anxiety, they weren't from sadness or disappointment. They were from joy in the purest form, and from hope. They were for the hope of new America, the hope of a man that stands for something different, and the hope that we can really change the world.
And watching our new president speak, something he said hit me really strongly. He said, "I will always be honest with on what is going on," and for the first time in so many years of hearing politicians say that, I honestly believe that with President Obama, he is sincere in saying that and that he will hold true to that and to all else he is so bravely promising. As a young adult, I have to say that I have a very different set of values than other generations seem to have, and I have grown up with a different set of priorities for myself and for our country. And it's in those priorities that I find comfort in looking to Obama as our leader, it's in those values that I know in my heart he will uphold and believe in. I know in my heart he will believe in me and my generation, that he will acknowledge our strengths and use them to the best of our advantage. I truly believe that he is the change that we need, the motivation to succeed and the leader to bring about a new America, a leader to bring about a new world.
I know that many people still object to this man, to the new president of the United States, but let me say this. He, above all people, believes in us, believes in what my generation can do and what we have the potential to change. If nothing else, believe in us. Believe in the power we have, in the thousands of minds that we can put to use, in the millions of young adults that believe in a different way of life. Believe in us. Believe in our strength and believe that we have the power once again to change the world.
Tonight, tears came to my eyes as I watched our new president speak. And those tears were not from nervousness or anxiety, they weren't from sadness or disappointment. They were from joy in the purest form, and from hope. They were for the hope of new America, the hope of a man that stands for something different, and the hope that we can really change the world.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Conquered
Sometimes life creates a moment for us, a day where you feel like you're 18 again, or a week where life seems crazier than ever, but inside all you feel is calm. Sometimes, love will do that to you, sometimes, the answers all point to something that's been there for years, but maybe you're just seeing it for the first time clearly. I've come home a million times, but I've never quite felt this, never quite felt the moments like this before and it's like, suddenly, as life gets crazier and crazier, we just get better and better. It's like we're each other's calms, it's like in what we have we can smile and laugh at what we used to be, at how simple life used to be, at how simple we used to be.
We've been through everything together, we've grown up together and become the people we are becoming with each other at our sides. We have found love in the midst of taking the world on our shoulders and discovered dreams with each other by our sides. And no matter where I go or what I do, no matter how many dreams I chase, I know that in the end, it will be you waiting for me, with that everlasting smile, with that everlasting hope in something that we found three years ago as kids. And as we have grown, so has our love, so has our hope in each other and as we've both become people we want to be, we have found more about our dreams, and found a comfort in the familiar of each other.
So here tonight, before I curl up at your side, please know my love that your everlasting hope is what keeps me alive and what keeps me believing in us, in you, in me. And we are not perfect in every single way, but our truth and faith in what we have will hold on till all our dreams have been conquered.
We've been through everything together, we've grown up together and become the people we are becoming with each other at our sides. We have found love in the midst of taking the world on our shoulders and discovered dreams with each other by our sides. And no matter where I go or what I do, no matter how many dreams I chase, I know that in the end, it will be you waiting for me, with that everlasting smile, with that everlasting hope in something that we found three years ago as kids. And as we have grown, so has our love, so has our hope in each other and as we've both become people we want to be, we have found more about our dreams, and found a comfort in the familiar of each other.
So here tonight, before I curl up at your side, please know my love that your everlasting hope is what keeps me alive and what keeps me believing in us, in you, in me. And we are not perfect in every single way, but our truth and faith in what we have will hold on till all our dreams have been conquered.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Move on
Sometimes all we can do to stay afloat is take that next breathe of air. Sometimes those we thought had our best interests at heart, hurt us, and sometimes in order to take that next step, we must look to what is the most challenging, yet the best for ourselves. I can't imagine living my life and already having it planned out for me. Yet some live their whole lives knowing exactly what will happen, when it will and who it will be that fits perfectly into that world. And I guess there's nothing wrong with that, until... until it starts tearing you apart, until you wake up one day and feel suffocated, reaching for that air that isn't there anymore. I guess it comes to a point, a crossroads where we must either choose that breathe of fresh air, something new and different and all on our own, or we choose to stay, in that life that will always be there, the life that never changes, the life where we always thought we'd be safe.
But in that safety, there is more heartache and it's stronger because it hits so much closer to home. That safety is dangerous, because when we get trapped in something that isn't of our own choice, or maybe it is, it creates this world in which we never experience anything else. It gets to a point where the bubble of that world can't get any bigger and if it does, it will pop and destroy everything that's been built. So we get scared, we get scared to move outside that bubble, to leave the safety net, to find out on our own what life really is. We get scared to move away, we get scared to say to goodbye to certain people that never really had our best interests at heart. We are scared to do what we want, because we're afraid of either what people will think or scared of failing at what we do. We are terrified to move on, because we're scared we won't ever find that safety again.
But we will, we will find a new kind of safety and a safer one. We will find different countries and different loves, we will find different passions and different dreams. And in these new and excitingly dangerous ideas, is freedom, is reality, is a better way.
But in that safety, there is more heartache and it's stronger because it hits so much closer to home. That safety is dangerous, because when we get trapped in something that isn't of our own choice, or maybe it is, it creates this world in which we never experience anything else. It gets to a point where the bubble of that world can't get any bigger and if it does, it will pop and destroy everything that's been built. So we get scared, we get scared to move outside that bubble, to leave the safety net, to find out on our own what life really is. We get scared to move away, we get scared to say to goodbye to certain people that never really had our best interests at heart. We are scared to do what we want, because we're afraid of either what people will think or scared of failing at what we do. We are terrified to move on, because we're scared we won't ever find that safety again.
But we will, we will find a new kind of safety and a safer one. We will find different countries and different loves, we will find different passions and different dreams. And in these new and excitingly dangerous ideas, is freedom, is reality, is a better way.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
differently
I have known two worlds my whole life,
and which one is my home, you may ask?
Which one do I love more,
which I do I connect myself to?
Which world is my own, which is who I am?
I have fought my whole life for a place far away,
for understanding of two faiths.
Would you think of me differently if I were Muslim,
if I prayed to Allah?
Would I be different if I wore the veil,
and would it change me or just how you all look at me?
I have lived my whole life with challenging ideas,
am I American or Saudi? Am I domestic or foreign,
Do I believe more in Islam or Catholicism? Do I have more faith
in my birth country, in a place where tradition tules all senses?
Or do I believe more in this country I call home now,
or is this just a stop on my journey back to where I began?
I have kept my faith in a feeling I miss,
in a world that I left long ago, but that defines all that I am.
Every day I swear I am Arab and American,
I am still walking along the Persian gulf and smelling that sweet breeze.
I am still that young girl, unsure of where to call home,
unsure of which parts of me are real.
and which one is my home, you may ask?
Which one do I love more,
which I do I connect myself to?
Which world is my own, which is who I am?
I have fought my whole life for a place far away,
for understanding of two faiths.
Would you think of me differently if I were Muslim,
if I prayed to Allah?
Would I be different if I wore the veil,
and would it change me or just how you all look at me?
I have lived my whole life with challenging ideas,
am I American or Saudi? Am I domestic or foreign,
Do I believe more in Islam or Catholicism? Do I have more faith
in my birth country, in a place where tradition tules all senses?
Or do I believe more in this country I call home now,
or is this just a stop on my journey back to where I began?
I have kept my faith in a feeling I miss,
in a world that I left long ago, but that defines all that I am.
Every day I swear I am Arab and American,
I am still walking along the Persian gulf and smelling that sweet breeze.
I am still that young girl, unsure of where to call home,
unsure of which parts of me are real.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
who we are
Sometimes there are moments in our lives that we truly define ourselves, moments when you must just follow your heart, moments when you realize you aren't ashamed of people or of yourself and moments when everything falls apart but in the most beautiful way. There are moments that shatter your sense of love, your sense of self and your respect for those around you, but when the pieces can be put together, you become so much stronger, so much more ready for life.
For me, Friday was one of those moments, Friday was a day that challenged me, that pulled every tear out of my body and shattered everything I thought I believed in and was holding on to. Yet after the tears, after the thoughts, after the moments that brought me back to life, I finally realized that in these moments, we must stand up for what we believe in. It was such a defining moment, a second that I made that decision to believe in myself and no one else, to take my knowledge, my skill, my devotion and use it to the best of my ability.
It's in those decisions, those choices that take everything you have inside of you that make you a better person, a stronger individual and a more passionate human being. It's those moments when you feel like everything you've ever worked for is being burned in front of your eyes, when you stand up and take a stand and devote yourself to what you believe in, that you show who you really are.
For me, Friday was one of those moments, Friday was a day that challenged me, that pulled every tear out of my body and shattered everything I thought I believed in and was holding on to. Yet after the tears, after the thoughts, after the moments that brought me back to life, I finally realized that in these moments, we must stand up for what we believe in. It was such a defining moment, a second that I made that decision to believe in myself and no one else, to take my knowledge, my skill, my devotion and use it to the best of my ability.
It's in those decisions, those choices that take everything you have inside of you that make you a better person, a stronger individual and a more passionate human being. It's those moments when you feel like everything you've ever worked for is being burned in front of your eyes, when you stand up and take a stand and devote yourself to what you believe in, that you show who you really are.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
trials.
Laying here in a beautiful hotel in Seattle, I suddenly can't sleep and I know exactly why. Yesterday, I found myself in a moment where what I believe in so strongly was shot down. And I found that I got so upset about it that I forgot to remember that it's my project, it's what I really want to do and it's what I believe in, no one else. It's something that I desperately feel is necessary and something that is crucial in our society.
I guess I've realized that I shouldn't have gotten upset, but rather pushed harder to stay with MY idea. And honestly, maybe it was good that the decision was made that way, because now I am stronger in my belief in my project and now I am ready to push everything past the limit for this project that I believe so deeply in.
It's important in life to follow your heart and maybe that means going against what people tell you is right, but if you know their wrong, I truly believe it's an obligation then to do what YOU think is right. Sometime people won't open their minds, sometimes they won't listen and sometimes, they are rushing so fast through something that there is no time to really stop and think about it, and the rushed decision becomes fact. For me, I'm not ready to give up on my idea because someone didn't have any time to stop and think about it, I'm not ready to give up on something that I truly believe in because of ignorance on any level or because no one really thought about all it could encompass. I truly believe that I can do this and that I can do it in a way no one else has, and that, is pure fact.
I guess I've realized that I shouldn't have gotten upset, but rather pushed harder to stay with MY idea. And honestly, maybe it was good that the decision was made that way, because now I am stronger in my belief in my project and now I am ready to push everything past the limit for this project that I believe so deeply in.
It's important in life to follow your heart and maybe that means going against what people tell you is right, but if you know their wrong, I truly believe it's an obligation then to do what YOU think is right. Sometime people won't open their minds, sometimes they won't listen and sometimes, they are rushing so fast through something that there is no time to really stop and think about it, and the rushed decision becomes fact. For me, I'm not ready to give up on my idea because someone didn't have any time to stop and think about it, I'm not ready to give up on something that I truly believe in because of ignorance on any level or because no one really thought about all it could encompass. I truly believe that I can do this and that I can do it in a way no one else has, and that, is pure fact.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
ever have...
In a mere moment, our lives merge or dissipate. In a mere moment, the same song can be played or a new one can be created with new chords, new notes. Sometimes I wish I would just step up to the plate and create a new song, but then again, sometimes, I just want the comfort of the old, rather than seeing all its faults. And I guess, this is just me. I am emotional and up and down, I am happy and terrified, I am restless, more than restless, I am unsettled. I haven't felt at home in three years, I haven't really felt at home since my tiny little apartment with pink walls, where it was all my own, where it wasn't just a place for living, but my own, someplace where I found ultimate peace, somewhere to escape. And in that little apartment, I found myself only to lose myself here in this place three years later. Well, I haven't really lost myself really, more like lost who I thought I was becoming.
I'm ready for jobs and careers, for traveling and responsibilities. I'm ready for the world and I'm ready to be a part of it and make a difference. I want to volunteer, communicate my ideas, and stand up for things. I want to put my ideas out there and I want to do what I love. And I worry that this same song that I've been listening to for three years, may hold me back from all those dreams, that the disappointments I feel now might stay with me forever and I don't want that. And I guess I need to make a decision, I guess I need to step up and find my own song or stay with the old one. I guess I need to decide if the old one is worth all the disappointments and the regrets. I find myself floating lately, giving up who I used to be for something that doesn't feel right. I find myself giving up so much and never having a moment to breathe alone or get a word in. I feel like all I do is the same thing over and over and I can't do it anymore, I can't stand it anymore, I'm feeling that it's not worth the words anymore.
So here I am, on the eve of my 22nd birthday, and looking around. My family is scattered around these days and the one person who I felt loved me the most can't seem to listen when I need him more than I ever have.
I'm ready for jobs and careers, for traveling and responsibilities. I'm ready for the world and I'm ready to be a part of it and make a difference. I want to volunteer, communicate my ideas, and stand up for things. I want to put my ideas out there and I want to do what I love. And I worry that this same song that I've been listening to for three years, may hold me back from all those dreams, that the disappointments I feel now might stay with me forever and I don't want that. And I guess I need to make a decision, I guess I need to step up and find my own song or stay with the old one. I guess I need to decide if the old one is worth all the disappointments and the regrets. I find myself floating lately, giving up who I used to be for something that doesn't feel right. I find myself giving up so much and never having a moment to breathe alone or get a word in. I feel like all I do is the same thing over and over and I can't do it anymore, I can't stand it anymore, I'm feeling that it's not worth the words anymore.
So here I am, on the eve of my 22nd birthday, and looking around. My family is scattered around these days and the one person who I felt loved me the most can't seem to listen when I need him more than I ever have.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Another Place
I have been reading a lot of books lately based in the Middle East, some in Afghanistan, some in Iran, some in Saudi Arabia. And when I read the words of these Arab writers, recounting their tales of times when life was different, I find myself remembering how much that world meant to me too. Often I find myself remembering what life was like when I was there, the people and the smells, the tastes and the things I saw. I remember the ocean at my feet, the hot humid days that warranted a stay inside. I find myself caught between my world now and the world of my childhood, I find myself feeling much the same as the Arabs to left their own countries in the times of chaos and came to this country. And really, how am I much different from all the rest, how different is it for me and some of these authors I am so respectively reading that left their countries for the freedom of America? I too left at an impressionable age, left a country that had been my home since I was born. It too was my country, my memories, my childhood. It too was all I knew, all I loved.
I find myself so caught in the middle of so much these days. I find myself caught in the middle of this so called "War on Terror," in the middle of ignorant remarks toward that part of the world and I find myself siding more with my childhood home than often with my country now. That place is such a part of me, ingrained within me and it's such a memory of that place that I find so comforting in the words of these talented writers I am reading. It is in their similar memories that I find comfort and remember a time when I too, like them, was a part of another place, another place that will remain with me forever.
I find myself so caught in the middle of so much these days. I find myself caught in the middle of this so called "War on Terror," in the middle of ignorant remarks toward that part of the world and I find myself siding more with my childhood home than often with my country now. That place is such a part of me, ingrained within me and it's such a memory of that place that I find so comforting in the words of these talented writers I am reading. It is in their similar memories that I find comfort and remember a time when I too, like them, was a part of another place, another place that will remain with me forever.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Stand Up
I don't quite know what to say tonight, though I find the urge to write is stronger than it has been in a long time. And tonight, here in my apartment in a city that is kinder than most, in a country safer than many but not without its own misgivings. I sit here tonight in a nation enduring one of the most important political races of my generation, in a country engulfed in a financial crisis and in a world where children are being enslaved, in which genocide is occurring and where women all around the world have absolutely no freedom. I sit here tonight in my own comfortable life, in my privileged world and I write. I write because I don't know what else to do, I write because it is the only way to tell the world what I think, and to tell the world to stop sitting by and looking out the windows of our own lives, but to look around us and stand up for what we believe. I write as an Arab girl, as the only little blond girl in a sea of brown hair, I write as a young girl growing up in a country that many do not understand, under the green flag with the sword. I write as a Catholic, trying to find her faith in these chaotic times and as a woman entering a shaky job market soon. I write as a young woman, as a friend and a daughter, as a girlfriend and as a niece. I write as a sister, but most of all, I write to speak for all those of us without a voice. I write because it's the only way I know how to touch so many.
And as I sit here tonight, listening to those Arabic words that once were commonplace in my young life, I cannot help but write of our world and the state of it. I cannot help but write of the ethnic cleansing in Burma and the financial crisis here at home. I cannot help but write of the terrors of the Taliban in Afghanistan, or of the thousands of women, millions of women around the world that have no rights, that have no words to speak. I write for the girls that grow up not being able to voice their opinions, for the little boys that are given a machine gun at 8 years old. I write for the old women that have to watch their daughters and granddaughters bought and sold like slaves and for the good men that, no matter how hard they try, cannot fight hard enough for the rights of what their countries truly could be. I write for all those in our own country that have no idea of what occurs beyond our borders, let alone around the world. I write for those that have never seen the deserts of the Middle East or felt the terror of a war come into their country. I write for those Muslims that pray to Mecca and for all those Catholics that hold highest above all, tradition. I write for the child in an inner city school in New York that has no chance at affording college, and for the 60 year old woman still working because she can't afford to retire.
I sit here and write because I think these issues need to be known. I think that we are in a world where we can't just sit in our own little bubbles and pretend that nothing bad is going on. We are in a time in history in which our voices must rise to the skies, in which we must open our minds to different cultures, different religions, different ideals. We must agree to disagree and realize that we don't always have the right answer. I sit here in this dark room tonight, looking out the window at my own future, coming shortly and swifter than I ever imagined and I write. I write to give a voice to myself. I write to give a voice to all those around the world tonight that perhaps are sitting in the dark too, wondering how their voices will ever matter. I write because they do matter, I write because they are worthy to hear our voices rise for them, they are worthy of more than some of us.
I write because we are not alone in this life and we are not alone in this world. I write because perhaps in my words, the words of others will be heard as well. Perhaps in my words, others will hear them and others will stand up with me to fight against the injustice in this world. Right now, all I can do is write, but someday I will do more. For now, hear my words as I write them. Hear them and stand up for your beliefs, stand up for a cause, stand up for us all.
And as I sit here tonight, listening to those Arabic words that once were commonplace in my young life, I cannot help but write of our world and the state of it. I cannot help but write of the ethnic cleansing in Burma and the financial crisis here at home. I cannot help but write of the terrors of the Taliban in Afghanistan, or of the thousands of women, millions of women around the world that have no rights, that have no words to speak. I write for the girls that grow up not being able to voice their opinions, for the little boys that are given a machine gun at 8 years old. I write for the old women that have to watch their daughters and granddaughters bought and sold like slaves and for the good men that, no matter how hard they try, cannot fight hard enough for the rights of what their countries truly could be. I write for all those in our own country that have no idea of what occurs beyond our borders, let alone around the world. I write for those that have never seen the deserts of the Middle East or felt the terror of a war come into their country. I write for those Muslims that pray to Mecca and for all those Catholics that hold highest above all, tradition. I write for the child in an inner city school in New York that has no chance at affording college, and for the 60 year old woman still working because she can't afford to retire.
I sit here and write because I think these issues need to be known. I think that we are in a world where we can't just sit in our own little bubbles and pretend that nothing bad is going on. We are in a time in history in which our voices must rise to the skies, in which we must open our minds to different cultures, different religions, different ideals. We must agree to disagree and realize that we don't always have the right answer. I sit here in this dark room tonight, looking out the window at my own future, coming shortly and swifter than I ever imagined and I write. I write to give a voice to myself. I write to give a voice to all those around the world tonight that perhaps are sitting in the dark too, wondering how their voices will ever matter. I write because they do matter, I write because they are worthy to hear our voices rise for them, they are worthy of more than some of us.
I write because we are not alone in this life and we are not alone in this world. I write because perhaps in my words, the words of others will be heard as well. Perhaps in my words, others will hear them and others will stand up with me to fight against the injustice in this world. Right now, all I can do is write, but someday I will do more. For now, hear my words as I write them. Hear them and stand up for your beliefs, stand up for a cause, stand up for us all.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
~Meant to Be~
Sometimes love doesn't make sense, sometimes it flutters in and then briefly finds its way out. Sometimes it's never really love at all, but rather a form of lust that we want to pretend is something more. Sometimes, we say we don't want that love, sometimes we pretend we are too busy to fall in love, or that we are too hurt to find it. Sometimes we push it away, but in the end, no matter what we say, love will always find a way in to our lives.
I was 18 when it found me, and from the very first moment that I met him, I knew it was real. There was something inside me that I just knew. There was something that made me realize that I couldn't let this go, nor did I want to. And over the months, we experienced so many firsts together and we grew together, found comfort in each other, helped each other heal and grow and above all, created a lasting friendship as well as a relationship.
And over the years, he is still the one I trust the most. Still the one that will love at me when I look my worst and tell me I'm beautiful. He's the person that I care for more than anything in the world and he's the one that I know will be by my side for many years to come. And with him, I have experienced, with him I have cried, I have laughed and I have fought. And while sometimes we don't agree on anything it seems, our obstacles have only made us stronger and our relationship has only grown through it all. Today more than ever, I see it so clearly. And while I hope to marry him someday, even if I don't, even if we just stay lovers our whole lives, then I will be fulfilled because I trust him with my whole heart and at the end of the day, I only want to be in his arms. HE is the one that will laugh at me and smile with me, he is the one that moves me and comforts me. And through all the adventures in my life, I know he will be beside me experiencing them with me.
Sometimes love changes you, sometimes it makes a different person and sometimes it moves you from one point in your life to another. Love stories come in all shapes and sizes, but the ones that truly mean the most are ones that have the bumps and bruises,the good and the bad and the ones that truly change people and that show that love is real, that it's here, and that it's meant to be.
I was 18 when it found me, and from the very first moment that I met him, I knew it was real. There was something inside me that I just knew. There was something that made me realize that I couldn't let this go, nor did I want to. And over the months, we experienced so many firsts together and we grew together, found comfort in each other, helped each other heal and grow and above all, created a lasting friendship as well as a relationship.
And over the years, he is still the one I trust the most. Still the one that will love at me when I look my worst and tell me I'm beautiful. He's the person that I care for more than anything in the world and he's the one that I know will be by my side for many years to come. And with him, I have experienced, with him I have cried, I have laughed and I have fought. And while sometimes we don't agree on anything it seems, our obstacles have only made us stronger and our relationship has only grown through it all. Today more than ever, I see it so clearly. And while I hope to marry him someday, even if I don't, even if we just stay lovers our whole lives, then I will be fulfilled because I trust him with my whole heart and at the end of the day, I only want to be in his arms. HE is the one that will laugh at me and smile with me, he is the one that moves me and comforts me. And through all the adventures in my life, I know he will be beside me experiencing them with me.
Sometimes love changes you, sometimes it makes a different person and sometimes it moves you from one point in your life to another. Love stories come in all shapes and sizes, but the ones that truly mean the most are ones that have the bumps and bruises,the good and the bad and the ones that truly change people and that show that love is real, that it's here, and that it's meant to be.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
*Always*
Baby it's you, it's us, it's now. I you that I always run to, that I always call first, and you that I just want to be with. It's you that buys me cupcakes and leaves me notes to wake up to. It's you that always finds me when I'm lost and you that I want to hold at the end of the day. It's you that moves me, that I find strength and comfort in. It's you that I am myself around, it's you that would hold my hand through anything. It's you makes me smile. It's you that I love and will always love.
Baby it's you that still is the only one I want to hold me and it's you that knows everything about me and that embraces all that I am. It's you that I love living with and it's you that I love to see and it's you that I feel like I'm supposed to be with. Baby it's you... it always has been.
Baby it's you that still is the only one I want to hold me and it's you that knows everything about me and that embraces all that I am. It's you that I love living with and it's you that I love to see and it's you that I feel like I'm supposed to be with. Baby it's you... it always has been.
Around the Corner
I miss how it used to be when life was simple, when I'd take naps in the afternoons on a cold winter day, when we'd go out for frosty's. I miss the days that seemed to last forever, and the days when I felt like I could do anything. I miss coming home every night and writing, and the long drives when I could afford the gas. I miss feeling invincible, I miss feeling sane, I miss feeling like I can do anything. I miss going home and making dinner, and the nights when I'd just sit at the desk looking out at the city pass me by. I used to feel rested, I used to have days off to spend with my grandparents, and evenings just sitting at the riverfront with no where else to be.
And while I have enjoyed every step of the way till now, right now I feel so tired. I feel so burdened, so rushed, so pushed, so manipulated. I love what I'm doing and I love where I am going, but being so young, I feel like I am pushing too hard sometimes, like I'm pushing more than I should. Life just gets keep getting busier and busier. It gets more hectic with each day that passes and I feel like I'm running from one place to the next. I need to stop and breathe and take a moment for myself. I need to come home and just hug you and smile, I need to take a nap when I can and I need to write at night. And sometimes it seems like there is no end in sight, sometimes it seems like this will never work. But then again, sometimes hope is right around the corner.
And while I have enjoyed every step of the way till now, right now I feel so tired. I feel so burdened, so rushed, so pushed, so manipulated. I love what I'm doing and I love where I am going, but being so young, I feel like I am pushing too hard sometimes, like I'm pushing more than I should. Life just gets keep getting busier and busier. It gets more hectic with each day that passes and I feel like I'm running from one place to the next. I need to stop and breathe and take a moment for myself. I need to come home and just hug you and smile, I need to take a nap when I can and I need to write at night. And sometimes it seems like there is no end in sight, sometimes it seems like this will never work. But then again, sometimes hope is right around the corner.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Vote for Hope
Once again and I apologize to those of you that are getting tired of the political blogs, but I can't help but pull it from my mind. As Americans we are in a very unique position as November gets nearer and nearer. In my mind I pray that we see Obama win big, that we see our country get the change that it desperately needs now. While in my hometown last weekend, a few different times conversations came up with people there that involved the election. First of all, when it came up, I was so glad because that means that people are interested in the election and interested in politics, which hasn't been much of the case for a while. But when the comments were made about the elections from these people I couldn't help but be so disappointed. I'm sincerely sorry if this offends anyone and I am only writing this to sincerely give my side of the story.
I was confronted with very uneducated answers to very complicated questions and came across some who really had no idea what they were talking about. I say this as a concerned young adult, as a registered Republican, as a moderate, as someone who has gotten a great education and someone that enjoys learning and as someone that always respects both sides of arguments. I say this as a woman, as an American and as someone with knowledge of other countries than our own, if Obama does not win this election, we are headed into another 4 years of war, of environmental destruction, and of political tyranny. We are headed into an era where women don't have rights with their own bodies, where our vice president is a disgrace to women, where our president is older than most of our grandparents. We are headed into 4 years with a presidency that doesn't have the same ideals that the majority of the nation does and a government that is so far out of touch with my generation, even though we have the potential to offer so much.
It was apparent to me after my visit to my hometown, (and I'm sure this is the case in many smaller towns), that America is vastly under educated and that through that lack of education, many Americans are voting without even understanding the underlying issues of this political race. These people are voting for things they don't understand and giving power to the politicians because they have no idea what to do, politicians that are using that lack of education to promote their own bank accounts. Comments were made to me about how Sarah Palin is worth voting for because she has "real issues" and those issues like a down syndrome baby and a pregnant 17 year old daughter make her "just like everyone else." Well perhaps that's true, but perhaps, like Obama says, "education starts at home," and perhaps Sarah Palin should be spending more time with her family and educating them instead of running for a position that she has no place in running for.
The state of our nation is truly at a turning point and it's this election that will put us over that tipping point on so many issues or that may let us reverse some of the damage we've done and move ahead in a positive direction. When you vote for Obama, you are voting for a man with values, a wife that is a strong and motivated woman, a duo that are educated, well informed and open to new ideas. You are voting for hope, for change, and most of all, you are voting for freedom, for morality, for change.
Vote for freedom, for morality, for a man that can move us forward and not back. Vote for someone that has years and years ahead of him to change the world. Vote for an educated man that can educate our country. Vote for strength and renewable resources for the future. Vote for endurance, for a healthier world. Vote for our planet. Vote for Obama.
Vote for hope.
I was confronted with very uneducated answers to very complicated questions and came across some who really had no idea what they were talking about. I say this as a concerned young adult, as a registered Republican, as a moderate, as someone who has gotten a great education and someone that enjoys learning and as someone that always respects both sides of arguments. I say this as a woman, as an American and as someone with knowledge of other countries than our own, if Obama does not win this election, we are headed into another 4 years of war, of environmental destruction, and of political tyranny. We are headed into an era where women don't have rights with their own bodies, where our vice president is a disgrace to women, where our president is older than most of our grandparents. We are headed into 4 years with a presidency that doesn't have the same ideals that the majority of the nation does and a government that is so far out of touch with my generation, even though we have the potential to offer so much.
It was apparent to me after my visit to my hometown, (and I'm sure this is the case in many smaller towns), that America is vastly under educated and that through that lack of education, many Americans are voting without even understanding the underlying issues of this political race. These people are voting for things they don't understand and giving power to the politicians because they have no idea what to do, politicians that are using that lack of education to promote their own bank accounts. Comments were made to me about how Sarah Palin is worth voting for because she has "real issues" and those issues like a down syndrome baby and a pregnant 17 year old daughter make her "just like everyone else." Well perhaps that's true, but perhaps, like Obama says, "education starts at home," and perhaps Sarah Palin should be spending more time with her family and educating them instead of running for a position that she has no place in running for.
The state of our nation is truly at a turning point and it's this election that will put us over that tipping point on so many issues or that may let us reverse some of the damage we've done and move ahead in a positive direction. When you vote for Obama, you are voting for a man with values, a wife that is a strong and motivated woman, a duo that are educated, well informed and open to new ideas. You are voting for hope, for change, and most of all, you are voting for freedom, for morality, for change.
Vote for freedom, for morality, for a man that can move us forward and not back. Vote for someone that has years and years ahead of him to change the world. Vote for an educated man that can educate our country. Vote for strength and renewable resources for the future. Vote for endurance, for a healthier world. Vote for our planet. Vote for Obama.
Vote for hope.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Drifting
I feel a distance drifting in,
and the things we used to be
are drifting away.
It's been days since you've held me,
and weeks since we've just been us,
and I'm starting to fade.
Sometimes we have to say no to protect what we love,
sometimes we must figure out how to stay alive
while we keep the ones we love in our lives.
I feel a distance settling in,
and the things I loved are falling away,
and so am I.
Hold on to me, give me your time,
and find a way to keep me,
because this distance is pulling me away.
and the things we used to be
are drifting away.
It's been days since you've held me,
and weeks since we've just been us,
and I'm starting to fade.
Sometimes we have to say no to protect what we love,
sometimes we must figure out how to stay alive
while we keep the ones we love in our lives.
I feel a distance settling in,
and the things I loved are falling away,
and so am I.
Hold on to me, give me your time,
and find a way to keep me,
because this distance is pulling me away.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
*getting through*
I got to thinking about life today, about how busy we get and how when we're little, no one tells you about all the things that really pose the most challenges in our lives as we get older. No one tells you that people will let you down most of the time, that lovers will break your heart when you did nothing wrong, that friends will fall short of expectations, that it will be hard to keep in touch with everyone that you should. No one tells you that you will have to learn to stand on your own or you will fall, or that at some point you will have to find that fine line between work and relationships, between family and friends, and between living your dreams and paying the rent.
And as we grow up, we find our own little niches in this world and we get on how we can and we meet people and we fall in love and we start our own adult lives and then all these things suddenly come into play. Suddenly we have to find out who those true friends are and mold that life we want while keeping everything in balance too. And not only is it life and school and work and relationships that we have to keep in balance, but it's ourselves that we must look after as well.
I find myself so much of the time running from school to work to dinner and then home to get enough sleep. And it's been so long since I've just wandered the city streets, since I've sat for hours writing at the riverfront. ANd those are things that used to keep me together but much like my future career calls "value engineering," we must also in our lives, weed out what we don't time for, things that, while we love them, can't be part of our routine anymore. And while I miss them, I realize at the same time that sometimes we find new things that have that meaning to us. Things like staying home with a lover, going out with girlfriends, working on something that is your passion... those things now become the things that shape who I am and they get me through.
And while we grow up, we might find out that some people let you down, that some will never fit into your life again and that some will never understand who you become, but you will always have those people in your closest circle of family and friends. You will always have that one girl that you have wacky nicknames with, that one love that leaves you sweet little notes, that one girl that brings out the craziness in you, the one guy that has held your hand every step of the way and that family that while they may be crazy and irrational, will always hold your best interests at heart and be proud of you. And along the way, you will always have that relationship with yourself that you have molded along the way.
We must remember though as well, we must find time for our old selves and our new selves, and find a space right in the middle. We must keep our priorities in line and remember who we used to be to become who we want to be. We must live our dreams but not compromise our relationships, we must keep our friends but go on our own path. And above all else, we must always keep that faith in the smallest of things that we always used to believe. It's that faith in the tiniest of moments that will get us through the hardest years of our lives.
And as we grow up, we find our own little niches in this world and we get on how we can and we meet people and we fall in love and we start our own adult lives and then all these things suddenly come into play. Suddenly we have to find out who those true friends are and mold that life we want while keeping everything in balance too. And not only is it life and school and work and relationships that we have to keep in balance, but it's ourselves that we must look after as well.
I find myself so much of the time running from school to work to dinner and then home to get enough sleep. And it's been so long since I've just wandered the city streets, since I've sat for hours writing at the riverfront. ANd those are things that used to keep me together but much like my future career calls "value engineering," we must also in our lives, weed out what we don't time for, things that, while we love them, can't be part of our routine anymore. And while I miss them, I realize at the same time that sometimes we find new things that have that meaning to us. Things like staying home with a lover, going out with girlfriends, working on something that is your passion... those things now become the things that shape who I am and they get me through.
And while we grow up, we might find out that some people let you down, that some will never fit into your life again and that some will never understand who you become, but you will always have those people in your closest circle of family and friends. You will always have that one girl that you have wacky nicknames with, that one love that leaves you sweet little notes, that one girl that brings out the craziness in you, the one guy that has held your hand every step of the way and that family that while they may be crazy and irrational, will always hold your best interests at heart and be proud of you. And along the way, you will always have that relationship with yourself that you have molded along the way.
We must remember though as well, we must find time for our old selves and our new selves, and find a space right in the middle. We must keep our priorities in line and remember who we used to be to become who we want to be. We must live our dreams but not compromise our relationships, we must keep our friends but go on our own path. And above all else, we must always keep that faith in the smallest of things that we always used to believe. It's that faith in the tiniest of moments that will get us through the hardest years of our lives.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
You'll Be Home
Sometimes when we reach that point where we know that life will continue on, but it won't be the same without that other person, we get lonely when they're gone. And while I reached that point yesterday, while I missed you like crazy and while I miss the ordinary with you, I also know that no matter how far apart we are, nothing changes what we are and how much we love each other. There are times when we'll be apart and there will be times when I will get a little lonely a few days in because I'm missing you and our life together, but because you're you and I'm me, I know that no matter how far apart we may be and how long we might be alone on the other end, I'll always love you and I'll always miss your touch,your smell and your warmth.
It's important to be alone sometimes, and it's important to feel that sensation that only you feel when you're totally alone but it's also nice to know that while the bed may feel a little bigger when you're gone, it sure is nice to know you'll be coming home soon. It's that comfort in knowing that in just a few days all will be back to normal. So I think that it's important to have a few days to be able to get everything done, to be able to relax and enjoy that time on your own, but know in the back of your mind that tomorrow, you'll be home.
It's important to be alone sometimes, and it's important to feel that sensation that only you feel when you're totally alone but it's also nice to know that while the bed may feel a little bigger when you're gone, it sure is nice to know you'll be coming home soon. It's that comfort in knowing that in just a few days all will be back to normal. So I think that it's important to have a few days to be able to get everything done, to be able to relax and enjoy that time on your own, but know in the back of your mind that tomorrow, you'll be home.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Lost tears
I don't quite know what feels right anymore, and I don't know if it's suddenly such an insecurity coming through that's making me this way. But I don't believe in what I know anymore, I don't believe in all the things that used to keep me so put together. I am going through a time in my life that I think I need a change to push me forward. I think that here I am, with it all so put together on the outside, but inside I am screaming, just going crazy, chaotic and lost. So much of the time, I just want it to be like it used to be, like it was when I was so incredibly happy, when everything you said to me made me smile and when I didn't have to listen to ten hours of the same thing over and over, when you cared intimately enough to take me out when I least expected it, when I never had to ask for you to show that you care.
And any more, I've lost so much of my security in myself and there has been no one standing there behind me to back me up when I'm falling and everyday as I think about it, it hurts me more and more that no one's been strong enough to stand behind me and hold me. And maybe I never will find anyone strong enough to catch me when I fall but I also want so badly to be loved so intimately, so through and through that no matter how far or fast I fall, someone cares enough to be there over and over without reservation, without reserve. I want that kind of love that Tariq has for Laila, that love that he tells her he'd go anywhere to follow her, that just being with her and living her dreams is enough, that just her, just the moments between them are enough. I feel like the older I get, the farther I get from that kind of love. It seems like the longer I stay where I am, the bigger gap begins to form.
I am so tired of the arguments, the words that don't need to be said. And right now, these tears are falling for more reasons than one. I used to be so confident that you loved me enough to follow me wherever I might go, that things that we important to me would always be important to you and in all honesty my love, I dont believe that anymore. I don't know that you'll follow me to wherever I end up going, I don't know that you want what I want anymore, and I don't know that I have the assurance in you that you are willing to be strong enough to catch me and keep me going.
And any more, I've lost so much of my security in myself and there has been no one standing there behind me to back me up when I'm falling and everyday as I think about it, it hurts me more and more that no one's been strong enough to stand behind me and hold me. And maybe I never will find anyone strong enough to catch me when I fall but I also want so badly to be loved so intimately, so through and through that no matter how far or fast I fall, someone cares enough to be there over and over without reservation, without reserve. I want that kind of love that Tariq has for Laila, that love that he tells her he'd go anywhere to follow her, that just being with her and living her dreams is enough, that just her, just the moments between them are enough. I feel like the older I get, the farther I get from that kind of love. It seems like the longer I stay where I am, the bigger gap begins to form.
I am so tired of the arguments, the words that don't need to be said. And right now, these tears are falling for more reasons than one. I used to be so confident that you loved me enough to follow me wherever I might go, that things that we important to me would always be important to you and in all honesty my love, I dont believe that anymore. I don't know that you'll follow me to wherever I end up going, I don't know that you want what I want anymore, and I don't know that I have the assurance in you that you are willing to be strong enough to catch me and keep me going.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Any Less
Some time in the last couple of days, my emotions have gotten the best of me. And suddenly, it's as if my whole world has changed, suddenly, it's as if all these memories have come flooding back. Suddenly I am realizing that there are no more quick drives home, there is no "home" to go to, suddenly now there are two houses to drive by and remember what it was like to be inside of it with my family. Suddenly there are two towns that are nothing but memories now. Suddenly I am realizing that there won't be birthday dinners, there won't be days when my dad is up here in the city for a meeting. Suddenly, there are no more thanksgivings at home, there are no more day trips or lunches with my mom. There are no more times when my parents are up here for a day, no more going home when I need a little extra push. There are no more trips to the grocery store with them, no more going to church with them.
Those of you whose parents live in the same place where you grew up, don't take that for granted, don't wish them to move, because when they do, it's harder than you've ever imagined. I don't know what it is lately, but it's really dawning on me. My parents are 2,000 miles away and I wasn't ready for that, I am not ready for it. It's hard, knowing that I have to board a plane to see them, knowing that there in a completely different time zone. It's hard knowing that they can't just drive up here for a birthday dinner or to drop something off. And lately, it's been so much just my brother and I relying on each other that it's making me see that suddenly, I am feeling my parents being gone so much more than I did when they first left.
I guess this is what life is about, moving and changing, it's something I think is in my blood, but it doesn't make it any easier, it doesn't make it any less emotional or make me miss them any less.
Those of you whose parents live in the same place where you grew up, don't take that for granted, don't wish them to move, because when they do, it's harder than you've ever imagined. I don't know what it is lately, but it's really dawning on me. My parents are 2,000 miles away and I wasn't ready for that, I am not ready for it. It's hard, knowing that I have to board a plane to see them, knowing that there in a completely different time zone. It's hard knowing that they can't just drive up here for a birthday dinner or to drop something off. And lately, it's been so much just my brother and I relying on each other that it's making me see that suddenly, I am feeling my parents being gone so much more than I did when they first left.
I guess this is what life is about, moving and changing, it's something I think is in my blood, but it doesn't make it any easier, it doesn't make it any less emotional or make me miss them any less.
The Tunnel
Sometimes love just goes through a period of trial, a period of pain to come out on the other end happier than its ever been. This past year has been one of memories, often times more bad than good, but here we are, at the other end, still here, still together, stronger, better off and more in love than we've ever been. THrough it all, family, friends and personal struggles, life is finally taking its place and our love is finally pushing us forward, holding us together. I've never been happier with you my love, and for the first time in years, I am seeing our love as it was when we first got together. We are suddenly seeing love and life as they are meant to be seen and suddenly I want nothing more than to search for our dreams together. Sometimes, I catch myself just thinking of you and our life together and it makes me so happy, so refreshed and energized to keep going in life. I get so excited when I think about how we have no idea where we'll be in a year, but we know that we'll be together, we know that life will keep us together. I love you more than I ever have and even though a lot is up in the air right now, I'm so excited to experience that ride with you.
Here's to us my love... we made it through the tunnel.
Here's to us my love... we made it through the tunnel.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
A soft place to land
Its funny how all the small things in life come crashing down so much harder when you are missing someone. It's funny how every man that smiles at the woman in his life becomes a moment shared by you as well, remembering how it is to love someone else. It's ironic how every sunset, how every walk along the beach, gathers memories of that person so many miles away that has your heart. How every wedding, every smile and every touch, makes you believe more and more in the power of love and in what's supposed to be. We may go through trials, through obstacles and mazes, through ups and downs, and through every thing that life brings, but it is moments when we are away, apart, that bring me back to know how much I believe in us and in how much I do want you there with me when my life is growing. It's those little moments when no one thinks anyone is watching, that I see a husband kiss his wife, or two lovers strolling on the beach, it's those moments when I know we are not only doing the right thing with our relationship, but that our love only grows stronger and stronger with each day that passes.
It's funny how life takes us and throws us against the beach, like the giant waves that crash surfers and wave riders toward the sand. But there is always some sort of sandy patch for us to land on, life may throw you against that shore, but there is a force that is watching out for our safety and as not to hurt us too bad, that force may guide us clear of the rocky beach and instead force us to land on that soft golden sand. There is beauty in that crash, and a power so strong that is making crash only to fall on something soft and realize that we belong on dry land, rather than at sea.
You, my love, are my sandy shore, you are that soft place to land after the world has thrown me toward land, after life has held in its grip as hard as can be, and crashed me toward your shore. And as I sit here only waiting to see you again in just a few short days, I want you to know that you, my love, are my soft place to land, today and always.
It's funny how life takes us and throws us against the beach, like the giant waves that crash surfers and wave riders toward the sand. But there is always some sort of sandy patch for us to land on, life may throw you against that shore, but there is a force that is watching out for our safety and as not to hurt us too bad, that force may guide us clear of the rocky beach and instead force us to land on that soft golden sand. There is beauty in that crash, and a power so strong that is making crash only to fall on something soft and realize that we belong on dry land, rather than at sea.
You, my love, are my sandy shore, you are that soft place to land after the world has thrown me toward land, after life has held in its grip as hard as can be, and crashed me toward your shore. And as I sit here only waiting to see you again in just a few short days, I want you to know that you, my love, are my soft place to land, today and always.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
P.S. I Love you
We're all changing, and through all those changes, sometimes the worst gets hold of us and holds us in its trap. Sometimes all we need is a little while to figure it all out and a little faith in that love that's always been there. Sometimes, we just have to realize that while sometimes it may be tough, while sometimes it may be terrible, it also is beautiful because through the hurt and loss, we are learning about ourselves and about our lives. We are learning about our love... and about our true feelings and in that... we are becoming more beautiful ... day by day.
P.S. I love you more than ever.
P.S. I love you more than ever.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
For you
I remember this feeling, I remember this loneliness from three summers ago. That loneliness that you saved me from then, you're causing now. Like the song says, at this point, "I'm just seeing how the shine wears off" and I'm so tired of the arguments, the fights, the tears. I've been here before and I hardly made it through, I've been here before and I cannot do it again. The tears are back, and here I am with no where to run, with no one to turn too. Everyone's gone, everyone's lost, my heart is lost, and lonely and hurt.
You know who I am, or at least I thought you did, and here when the tears keep falling harder now, why can't you love me enough to change who we are, to move on to something else and to just let it go? And as I continue to cry tonight, I can't help but wish that I could leave tonight, fly away and never come back. I am counting down the days until I can afford to do this all on my own again, the days when I have an excuse to leave, when I have an excuse to start over again on my own.
Especially today, you couldn't even let yourself not be selfish for one day, maybe have it all be about me for one day, until I have the strength to move on again. Couldn't you just give up a little for one day for me? You used to, you used to all the time.
And I'm tired of the front, I'm tired of people thinking that everything is perfect, becuase it's not. It's far from anything perfect. No matter what you say to me, I don't think that I matter enough to you right now, I don't think you realize where I am in my life and where you are in yours.
There are no words to express what I feel inside. That peice of me that you fulfilled has now been lost, and every hole in my heart filled with sadness and loneliness. I have been hurting for so long and overlooking it so that we could have a chance. But maybe we're not supposed to, maybe we just need to say goodbye, maybe we need time to grow alone.
You saved me when I was here before and you made me so happy that all the pain and hurt went away, you cured that loneliness that I couldn't help but feel and now, when I needed you the most, you have not been here to take the hurt away. You haven't cared enough to give up some of yourself for a little while to hold me when I'm hurt, instead you do everything you can to make me upset and continue on when I need you to stop. Is that too much to ask of the one you love, or so you thought, to give up a little of yourself when the other is hurting?
I do that every single day for you.
You know who I am, or at least I thought you did, and here when the tears keep falling harder now, why can't you love me enough to change who we are, to move on to something else and to just let it go? And as I continue to cry tonight, I can't help but wish that I could leave tonight, fly away and never come back. I am counting down the days until I can afford to do this all on my own again, the days when I have an excuse to leave, when I have an excuse to start over again on my own.
Especially today, you couldn't even let yourself not be selfish for one day, maybe have it all be about me for one day, until I have the strength to move on again. Couldn't you just give up a little for one day for me? You used to, you used to all the time.
And I'm tired of the front, I'm tired of people thinking that everything is perfect, becuase it's not. It's far from anything perfect. No matter what you say to me, I don't think that I matter enough to you right now, I don't think you realize where I am in my life and where you are in yours.
There are no words to express what I feel inside. That peice of me that you fulfilled has now been lost, and every hole in my heart filled with sadness and loneliness. I have been hurting for so long and overlooking it so that we could have a chance. But maybe we're not supposed to, maybe we just need to say goodbye, maybe we need time to grow alone.
You saved me when I was here before and you made me so happy that all the pain and hurt went away, you cured that loneliness that I couldn't help but feel and now, when I needed you the most, you have not been here to take the hurt away. You haven't cared enough to give up some of yourself for a little while to hold me when I'm hurt, instead you do everything you can to make me upset and continue on when I need you to stop. Is that too much to ask of the one you love, or so you thought, to give up a little of yourself when the other is hurting?
I do that every single day for you.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tonight
With an empty finger and a room all by myself, I learned a very hard lesson tonight. Sometimes no matter how hard we try to love someone, or how hard we try to fix what has been lost, sometimes it can't be fixed. I used to believe in love, in the way that two people could find something in each other and in the way that what was between them could last always. I don't believe that anymore, and I've lost the faith that's always gotten me through. That faith in a feeling, in an emotion, in that love that always got me through before. I don't see it when you look me in the eyes anymore, I don't find that strength in you that I used to.
And I'm sorry, truly I am for losing that faith. I feel it so deep inside me that something is wrong, that something isn't right and I don't believe in anything anymore. You know they say that sometimes, when you have it all, you lose yourself. And that's where I am. I don't remember what's it like to feel safe anymore, I'm scared all the time. I don't remember what it's like to have fun, and I don't remember what it felt like to feel so in love. And I hate that, I hate losing all those moments that meant the world to me way back when.
All the pictures in the world can't show what I'm really feeling inside. All the memories in the world can't make me believe again, and I don't know if I ever will. All I want is to feel that love again and to look at you and see that you love me too, regardless of who we're with, or where we are. All I want is what all my family said they saw in you at the beginning, "how much you adored me."
That's all I've ever wanted.
And I'm sorry, truly I am for losing that faith. I feel it so deep inside me that something is wrong, that something isn't right and I don't believe in anything anymore. You know they say that sometimes, when you have it all, you lose yourself. And that's where I am. I don't remember what's it like to feel safe anymore, I'm scared all the time. I don't remember what it's like to have fun, and I don't remember what it felt like to feel so in love. And I hate that, I hate losing all those moments that meant the world to me way back when.
All the pictures in the world can't show what I'm really feeling inside. All the memories in the world can't make me believe again, and I don't know if I ever will. All I want is to feel that love again and to look at you and see that you love me too, regardless of who we're with, or where we are. All I want is what all my family said they saw in you at the beginning, "how much you adored me."
That's all I've ever wanted.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Congrats
Today was one of many tears and many memories lost and brought back. Today my little brother graduated from high school and like many big sisters, I sat in the stands so proud of who he is becoming. Though I also found it so ironic in so many ways to sit there are remember that day of mine three years ago. And here on the eve of his graduation, he is in the same position I was at, our parents leaving the home that has helped him become the person he is, moving away, leaving behind friends and memories and the familiarity that comes from a place that you know for a while.
And it suddenly hit me today, that while he is only just beginning such a long journey, he has accomplished so much but there are a few more things that I just want to put out there for all of you who might be moving on to something new this time of year. Just a few things that as someone a few years older has come to find out about life...
~don't ever give up on your family because in the end, no one else will ever know you like they do
~don't ever give up on your dreams, and fight for them to the very last breath
~no one tells you about the things that are going to break you the most: lost loves, heartaches, the struggles in life, but keep your head high and always remember the people that are there for you
~as you move along in your life, remember that it's okay to leave some things behind
~don't get stuck in something that you don't love
~always follow your heart
~remember the people that were there along the way but were the quiet watching from afar, sometimes they have the most meaning in your life
~don't ever forget where you came from or who you are
~but don't let where you came from hinder you from where you are going
~it's okay to be afraid, and in the next few years you will feel this emotion a lot
~find new friends and loves, but never forget the ones that you had so long ago
~you can roam the earth to try and find someone that understands you, but so often its the people right in front of you that know you the best
~don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something
~stand up for what you believe in, even if no one else does
~but don't be so ignorant as not to listen to what others have to say
~always remember to have fun, because when life gets busy and we get older, we so often lose touch of that
~find someplace that is all your own and hold on to it
~when you find someone that you want to spend your life with, hold on to them with all is takes, but don't ever let that love make you let go of what you really want
~love with all your heart
~and don't be afraid to show it
...and someday when you are far from home, and you feel like there is no place in the world that could make you feel whole, remember that family is always a phone call away, a friend is always a few hours on the plane away, and your sister, will always be there waiting for her little brother who needs help.
love,
casey
Congratulations Jame, you deserve the world!
And it suddenly hit me today, that while he is only just beginning such a long journey, he has accomplished so much but there are a few more things that I just want to put out there for all of you who might be moving on to something new this time of year. Just a few things that as someone a few years older has come to find out about life...
~don't ever give up on your family because in the end, no one else will ever know you like they do
~don't ever give up on your dreams, and fight for them to the very last breath
~no one tells you about the things that are going to break you the most: lost loves, heartaches, the struggles in life, but keep your head high and always remember the people that are there for you
~as you move along in your life, remember that it's okay to leave some things behind
~don't get stuck in something that you don't love
~always follow your heart
~remember the people that were there along the way but were the quiet watching from afar, sometimes they have the most meaning in your life
~don't ever forget where you came from or who you are
~but don't let where you came from hinder you from where you are going
~it's okay to be afraid, and in the next few years you will feel this emotion a lot
~find new friends and loves, but never forget the ones that you had so long ago
~you can roam the earth to try and find someone that understands you, but so often its the people right in front of you that know you the best
~don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something
~stand up for what you believe in, even if no one else does
~but don't be so ignorant as not to listen to what others have to say
~always remember to have fun, because when life gets busy and we get older, we so often lose touch of that
~find someplace that is all your own and hold on to it
~when you find someone that you want to spend your life with, hold on to them with all is takes, but don't ever let that love make you let go of what you really want
~love with all your heart
~and don't be afraid to show it
...and someday when you are far from home, and you feel like there is no place in the world that could make you feel whole, remember that family is always a phone call away, a friend is always a few hours on the plane away, and your sister, will always be there waiting for her little brother who needs help.
love,
casey
Congratulations Jame, you deserve the world!
Friday, June 06, 2008
a part of something
When can we stop ourselves from killing all that means the most to us? When we are so far into something, when everyone excepts so much of us, that we can't get ourselves out of something that maybe we should just break off from? Its such a fine line between knowing when to go too far or when to stop. I've always been the girl that didn't let anyone else know all that I'm feeling and to be honest, no one in my life knows what I'm feeling inside right now, because I am ashamed to feel this way and I'm so deeply hurt by what I feel and why I feel it that I cannot tell anyone.
I miss the days when I hadn't a care in the world, when I'd come home at the end of the day and be happy to be home. I guess I am expecting too much from everything in my life and it hurts me to see what I'm doing and what's happening around me. I am lost, so deeply lost and drifting to a place I don't want to be. I am up so high that I can't climb down, and at this point it feels like the only option is just to jump and get it over with. This year has been such an emotional up and down, yes's and no's. And a lot of it is my fault for not knowing when to say no, when to say goodbye.
When did the fun, the simple little things get so lost? And when did I lose the faith that always kept me safe from the world? That faith that held such a place in my heart has disintegrated to so much that I can barely make it out anymore. And at such a young age, I feel like the arguments and the disappointment has aged me to the point where I barely recognize myself anymore.
My life no longer feels right or real and I'm so ready for something to change, to wake up and be happy to start the day again. That magic that used to fill my heart no longer is there, and I want so desperatley to feel like I'm the only girl he sees still, to know that without saying anything, I am the most important part of his life. I want to feel a part of something, and not have to spell it out. I want to be happy again, and know where I am and what I mean to other people. I want so badly to feel a part of something again.
I miss the days when I hadn't a care in the world, when I'd come home at the end of the day and be happy to be home. I guess I am expecting too much from everything in my life and it hurts me to see what I'm doing and what's happening around me. I am lost, so deeply lost and drifting to a place I don't want to be. I am up so high that I can't climb down, and at this point it feels like the only option is just to jump and get it over with. This year has been such an emotional up and down, yes's and no's. And a lot of it is my fault for not knowing when to say no, when to say goodbye.
When did the fun, the simple little things get so lost? And when did I lose the faith that always kept me safe from the world? That faith that held such a place in my heart has disintegrated to so much that I can barely make it out anymore. And at such a young age, I feel like the arguments and the disappointment has aged me to the point where I barely recognize myself anymore.
My life no longer feels right or real and I'm so ready for something to change, to wake up and be happy to start the day again. That magic that used to fill my heart no longer is there, and I want so desperatley to feel like I'm the only girl he sees still, to know that without saying anything, I am the most important part of his life. I want to feel a part of something, and not have to spell it out. I want to be happy again, and know where I am and what I mean to other people. I want so badly to feel a part of something again.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Life Lessons
It's so important in this world to hold your head high and to have a few things to live by when the world seems to pull you down... so to Preston who has a blank slate and has the sky as his limit to live this life to the most...
Life Lessons:
1. Don't ever give up on your dreams. Dream with a full heart and with no boundaries.
2. Find strength in yourself and all you can do.
3. Keep your head held high, even when the world seems to pull you down.
4. Keep faith in yourself above all else.
5. Always put others first.
6. Remember where you are from, but don't let it hinder where you go.
7. Believe in something, whatever it may be.
8. Always find forgiveness with others.
9. Don't judge others for decisions they make, because you may not know the whole story.
10. Respect those that you love.
11. Keep friends close, but family closer.
12. Never give up on the people that have always been there for you.
13. Find yourself, and then love someone else as much as you can.
14. When you find someone that you know is special, hold on to them with all you have.
15. Don't be afraid to cry.
16. Never be ashamed of who you are.
17. Always tell those you love that you love them.
18. Be careful in life, but take risks when you can.
19. Hold on to what you love, because it will pull you through in the darkest hour.
20. And above all, have fun along the ride and enjoy every moment you are alive.
Life Lessons:
1. Don't ever give up on your dreams. Dream with a full heart and with no boundaries.
2. Find strength in yourself and all you can do.
3. Keep your head held high, even when the world seems to pull you down.
4. Keep faith in yourself above all else.
5. Always put others first.
6. Remember where you are from, but don't let it hinder where you go.
7. Believe in something, whatever it may be.
8. Always find forgiveness with others.
9. Don't judge others for decisions they make, because you may not know the whole story.
10. Respect those that you love.
11. Keep friends close, but family closer.
12. Never give up on the people that have always been there for you.
13. Find yourself, and then love someone else as much as you can.
14. When you find someone that you know is special, hold on to them with all you have.
15. Don't be afraid to cry.
16. Never be ashamed of who you are.
17. Always tell those you love that you love them.
18. Be careful in life, but take risks when you can.
19. Hold on to what you love, because it will pull you through in the darkest hour.
20. And above all, have fun along the ride and enjoy every moment you are alive.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
trying
Sometimes people disappoint you. Actually, it happens a lot. Perhaps that's why marriages fail, why friends are lost, or why family sometimes seems to become more and more distant. Disappointment is one of those things that hurts so much more than lies, more than anything anyone can do to hurt someone else. And for some reason, disappointment makes you lose faith in the people that you thought you knew so well.
It seems that lately I have been hurt by disappointment from others. And it is in this disappointment from friends and lovers that has left me where I am now, having nightmares and crying to myself when no one is looking. Sometimes I think about how it used to be, so in love, so happy, so ready to go on forever. And honestly, that scares me now. Forever terrifies me because I want it to be thoughtful and sincere, I want it to be about the little things and about showing each other how much we love. I want it to be about special nights and enjoying time together. I want days with no arguments, and moments to just laugh.
And maybe it's me, maybe I am expecting too much from everyone in my life, but I don't believe in expecting any less than the best, because when you love someone or something, that's what I give.
I miss the icards, the kisses when you get home, tucking me in at night, not arguing with me on everything, smiling at me when you think I'm not looking. I miss all those little things that I fell in love with, the hats, the walks at the riverfront, putting your arm around me, not pushing me to do things, not the constant talking and asking questions. I miss the silence, most of all, I miss the quiet just sitting with you. I miss your faith in me, knowing that I know what I'm doing. I miss you're faith in yourself, and I miss being treated so well.
Life has changed and so have we, and now is the time to figure out if this means what it used to. I know that it will never be the same as it used to be, but we can try to not disappoint each other at the very least.
It seems that lately I have been hurt by disappointment from others. And it is in this disappointment from friends and lovers that has left me where I am now, having nightmares and crying to myself when no one is looking. Sometimes I think about how it used to be, so in love, so happy, so ready to go on forever. And honestly, that scares me now. Forever terrifies me because I want it to be thoughtful and sincere, I want it to be about the little things and about showing each other how much we love. I want it to be about special nights and enjoying time together. I want days with no arguments, and moments to just laugh.
And maybe it's me, maybe I am expecting too much from everyone in my life, but I don't believe in expecting any less than the best, because when you love someone or something, that's what I give.
I miss the icards, the kisses when you get home, tucking me in at night, not arguing with me on everything, smiling at me when you think I'm not looking. I miss all those little things that I fell in love with, the hats, the walks at the riverfront, putting your arm around me, not pushing me to do things, not the constant talking and asking questions. I miss the silence, most of all, I miss the quiet just sitting with you. I miss your faith in me, knowing that I know what I'm doing. I miss you're faith in yourself, and I miss being treated so well.
Life has changed and so have we, and now is the time to figure out if this means what it used to. I know that it will never be the same as it used to be, but we can try to not disappoint each other at the very least.
Monday, May 19, 2008
lost meaning
On the steps of something greater, I stand still taking in all that's happened in the past few years and as I reminisce in memories, suddenly I am very aware of who I am. Suddenly I know how strong I am, how willing and how passionate I am. I will never give into something I don't believe in, and I will never let others tell me what to think. That's not who I am and I will always stand up for what I believe is right and what I believe is fair. Life is not about letting everyone else think every thing for you, it's about making mistakes and learning and finding who you are and what you believe, and when you do, it's about paving your own path.
We must all look inside ourselves and ask ourselves, is the path we're on, truly our own, or are we trying so hard to make everyone believe it's our own, that we lost the meaning of that journey altogether.
We must all look inside ourselves and ask ourselves, is the path we're on, truly our own, or are we trying so hard to make everyone believe it's our own, that we lost the meaning of that journey altogether.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
chasing hope
What ever happened to the world we used to know? The one where parents would always bail us out, the one when home felt like the safest place in the world, where the biggest thing on our plates was a math test at school. And I guess as we grow, we must realize that our lives only get more complicated, that life only gets harder and harder to continue living. Lately, I just miss feeling safe. I miss that feeling of knowing someone will pull me through, I miss that feeling of a safety net.
I guess I should just believe in myself as my own safety net, but for some reason lately, though I feel totally loved, I also feel a bit like falling. I am falling slowly into something I can't crawl out of alone. And as the real world is approaching so fast, and the real future is right in my reach, I can see my dreams formulating and coming true and some how I am realizing that what if when I get to that moment when it is about to come true, and he doesn't want those things too? What if I get that job offer across the country and suddenly I am alone in that dream? And of course, it's easier said than done, but what if I end up having too much to lose?
I have never been the person to give up my dreams, never the person to let down when there is something I believe in. And I will accomplish my dreams, I will chase those hopes and aspirations of mine, that is who I am. It's who I've always been.
I guess I should just believe in myself as my own safety net, but for some reason lately, though I feel totally loved, I also feel a bit like falling. I am falling slowly into something I can't crawl out of alone. And as the real world is approaching so fast, and the real future is right in my reach, I can see my dreams formulating and coming true and some how I am realizing that what if when I get to that moment when it is about to come true, and he doesn't want those things too? What if I get that job offer across the country and suddenly I am alone in that dream? And of course, it's easier said than done, but what if I end up having too much to lose?
I have never been the person to give up my dreams, never the person to let down when there is something I believe in. And I will accomplish my dreams, I will chase those hopes and aspirations of mine, that is who I am. It's who I've always been.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
paving a path
Here we are, plunging head first into the real world ahead of us. Some of us are stopped at red lights that will never turn green, others are speeding along at 100 miles per hour, too fast to stop themselves at the other end. And then there are those of us in the middle, stopping patiently at each road sign, yielding to the oncoming traffic, those of us the know where we are headed, but that are taking our time on the scenic route of life. There are those that keep driving, hoping to find that road sign that will tell them where to go and there are those that drive aimlessly, not caring who's path they enter upon.
You know, we are only 21 years old, some younger, some older, but in the scheme of things, life is just beginning, life is no where near the responsibilities we want to place ourselves inside of. What happens when we we look out the window one day and wonder where we would have been, what happens when find out what our dreams are but can never accomplish them? So many of us are so quick to say what we want, to "know" it for sure, and believe me, I have been so many times and as I look back on the past few years since I've been on my own, I can't help but laugh at myself, at how serious I thought I was, at how mature I thought my life was. And still, as I have become more and more on my own, I have no idea what real life is really like, not yet, not just quite yet. And along the way I've found out so much about myself, but I've also lost a lot of who I used to be.
And I think that the losing and the gaining is normal, and its the merging of your old self and your new self that become the piece of who you are, along with what you do and what you stand for. There are moments that dreams seem like they in our finger tips, moments when it seems that nothing could go wrong, moments when you smile because of no particular reason, but do not confuse those moments with what real life is. Because as we grow, real life becomes all the more real, all the harder, and yet, through it all, all the more beautiful. I've come to realize that through the fighting we see each other so much clearer, through the hardships we learn so many life lessons and through the struggles we find which road we are supposed to be on. We find those road signs we need to continue on through growing up and sometimes, we have to follow those signs on our own. Sometimes we cant have someone else to follow us, sometimes we have to be selfish and to do it on our own and I truly believe that doing those things on your own, growing up following your own heart and your own dreams, and finding out about real life is the most important thing in the world.
I have been thinking a lot about all of us lately, about my close friends, about those people that I share this life with, those people that get through each day, whether it's a cosmopolitan after a long week, a Starbucks run in the middle of the day, or a night home cuddling and watching our favorite tv shows, it's those people that understand me best and that have created the journey I'm on. But at the same time, I must do it on my own, as must we all, do it on our own, before we find the road that meets us with someone else. We have to pave our own path before we can join someone else's.
You know, we are only 21 years old, some younger, some older, but in the scheme of things, life is just beginning, life is no where near the responsibilities we want to place ourselves inside of. What happens when we we look out the window one day and wonder where we would have been, what happens when find out what our dreams are but can never accomplish them? So many of us are so quick to say what we want, to "know" it for sure, and believe me, I have been so many times and as I look back on the past few years since I've been on my own, I can't help but laugh at myself, at how serious I thought I was, at how mature I thought my life was. And still, as I have become more and more on my own, I have no idea what real life is really like, not yet, not just quite yet. And along the way I've found out so much about myself, but I've also lost a lot of who I used to be.
And I think that the losing and the gaining is normal, and its the merging of your old self and your new self that become the piece of who you are, along with what you do and what you stand for. There are moments that dreams seem like they in our finger tips, moments when it seems that nothing could go wrong, moments when you smile because of no particular reason, but do not confuse those moments with what real life is. Because as we grow, real life becomes all the more real, all the harder, and yet, through it all, all the more beautiful. I've come to realize that through the fighting we see each other so much clearer, through the hardships we learn so many life lessons and through the struggles we find which road we are supposed to be on. We find those road signs we need to continue on through growing up and sometimes, we have to follow those signs on our own. Sometimes we cant have someone else to follow us, sometimes we have to be selfish and to do it on our own and I truly believe that doing those things on your own, growing up following your own heart and your own dreams, and finding out about real life is the most important thing in the world.
I have been thinking a lot about all of us lately, about my close friends, about those people that I share this life with, those people that get through each day, whether it's a cosmopolitan after a long week, a Starbucks run in the middle of the day, or a night home cuddling and watching our favorite tv shows, it's those people that understand me best and that have created the journey I'm on. But at the same time, I must do it on my own, as must we all, do it on our own, before we find the road that meets us with someone else. We have to pave our own path before we can join someone else's.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
in my heart
Sometimes I miss the desert so much it hurts. Sometimes I miss that sunrise over the gulf, the feel of the sands between my toes and knowing that I was in a culture so different than anyone even knows. Sometimes I will google that town just to remember it, just to see if again, and sometimes, just a memory is enough. Sometimes it's so hard to remember, when only just a few in my life actually remember it too. I will never forget the sound of ARabic, or the way it sounded driving over the causeway to Bahrain. I will never forget the smell of fresh meat cooking on the spits of the city sidewalks, and the way a fresh shwarma tasted. I will always have memories of fresh fish in the front yard, of Kentucky Fried Chicken separated into two sides, one for each gender. There will always be prayer-call burned in to my mind and I will always recognize a mosque.
The thing about it is, no one quite understands how much that place was a part of me and how much I miss it every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it, but tonight for some reason, I miss that place so much where the desert met the sea.
The thing about it is, no one quite understands how much that place was a part of me and how much I miss it every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it, but tonight for some reason, I miss that place so much where the desert met the sea.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
all I need
Sometimes you just need a night alone, a few hours to sit and watch your favorite episodes of Sex and the City, to drink a glass of wine and to look at all those myspace pages of people you used to know. Sometimes a few hours just spent alone, with a blanket and a magazine can be the best hours of the week. It's been so long since I've had a night like this... and the best part about it... as I sat sipping my wine, watching Sex and the City, and curled up in a blanket, was that not only did I need a night like this, but that I'm not alone, not really, because right in the room next door is a great guy that knows that sometimes, this is all I need.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Here and Now
For the first time a long time, I suddenly feel a sense of calm, as if I have done all I can do in this drama within my family and I've tried to help how I can. And the one thing that I have held on to this whole time, is that ring on my finger, that ring that promises loyalty and trust, that ring that promises to be a living reminder of who I am and that one person that loves me.
For the first time since I received my beautiful promise ring from the one person that steals my heart everyday, I honestly know in my heart that what that ring represents, is more than I ever could hope for. And when my day is getting a little bit harder, all I have to do is look down at my finger and and that small diamond in the center of the band and know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, I get to go home to him and fall in love all over again.
I am in no hurry to get married, and while many around me seem to be pushing toward that all the time, I am quite content with my promise and with the way my life is right now. I am too young to get married, and too stubborn to give up my independence just yet. And while in a few years I may feel quite differently, I am in no hurry to rush that part of my life. I have found him, I know that for sure and I know that I will walk down the aisle to meet him at the other end, but a few years won't change that.
I have found a beauty in waiting and in keeping this promise just a little bit longer. For me, for now, my promise is more than enough. Life is just beginning for me and my love is strong enough to hold on for a few more years. The truth is, I could wait my whole life and be fine with how it is now, being loved in the purest form, being loved for who I am, and with the trust and loyalty and love he gives me every single day.
For the first time since I received my beautiful promise ring from the one person that steals my heart everyday, I honestly know in my heart that what that ring represents, is more than I ever could hope for. And when my day is getting a little bit harder, all I have to do is look down at my finger and and that small diamond in the center of the band and know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, I get to go home to him and fall in love all over again.
I am in no hurry to get married, and while many around me seem to be pushing toward that all the time, I am quite content with my promise and with the way my life is right now. I am too young to get married, and too stubborn to give up my independence just yet. And while in a few years I may feel quite differently, I am in no hurry to rush that part of my life. I have found him, I know that for sure and I know that I will walk down the aisle to meet him at the other end, but a few years won't change that.
I have found a beauty in waiting and in keeping this promise just a little bit longer. For me, for now, my promise is more than enough. Life is just beginning for me and my love is strong enough to hold on for a few more years. The truth is, I could wait my whole life and be fine with how it is now, being loved in the purest form, being loved for who I am, and with the trust and loyalty and love he gives me every single day.
Friday, April 11, 2008
sometimes
Here we are, all in this world together, just trying to figure out who we are and why we are here. And in that search, sometimes we just get a little bit lost, a little bit turned around in our web that we create. That search turns into heartaches, and lost loves, it turns into moments of doubt and moments of weakness. It becomes a loss of prayer and times when we feel like we are totally alone in this world. And sometimes, that search takes us so far away from what we thought we were, that we forget about who we used to be and the world we left behind when that journey began. We have to know through it all, that it's for a reason, that we are becoming stronger, but that does not mean that we inadvertently leave behind those people that have always loved us for who we are.
You know, I may be young, and I may not know half of what others know, but I do know how hard it is sometimes to be yourself. There is one thing that I will not compromise in my life and that's myself and who I've become. Sometimes we get so lost in the moments and the drama and how situations play out, that we don't look at who we are and what we stand for, because if we did, we'd act much differently. You have to have a little faith in those you love and those that love you. You have to balance the love you give and the love you receive, you have to balance family and other relationships. You have to find that mid way with who you were and who you will be, and you have to be both, because all your life others loved you for you were and others will continue to love you for who you become.
Moments like this are not about anger or hate or dissatisfaction. They are about loss and devastation and concern; do not mistake these for anger, for they are much stronger but also much easier to forgive. These are feelings of love, not hate and this was never about not loving anyone, never about that love disappearing. You know I've given a lot of thought to all that's happened, and through all the hurt and the heartache it's caused, there are still those moments that I smile remembering the good times we all used to have. And while we all should change and grow, we must find in ourselves who we really want to become when we grow and change and who we want by our sides. Family is only thing that will always be there, and family, however difficult or different they may be, are the ones that loved us first for who we were, and for who we've become.
Do not mistake loss for anger, or concern for hate. When we look at those moments that we've make mistakes, we must be able to admit we were wrong, admit that our ignorance has taken over a bit. Sometimes just finding out what you really want from yourself and from those around you will show you the truth in what really has happened, regardless of who said what, and who's done what wrong. Sometimes you just have to get past the pride, and kneel before all you've done. Are we really ready to give up those ties, those relationships, those friendships that we've spent so many years building? Are we hiding behind insecurities and pride to prove a point and disconnecting those relationships that we've had for years?
Life is too short for this, and it's too long too. While I have tried to stay on the outside of all of this, I can't help but express how much we are all hurting each other with the secrets, the arrogance, and the lack of respect. Does it hurt to give someone the respect they deserve, to acknowledge a mother is hurting for her daughter, to acknowledge that we've made mistakes and that perhaps someone else might be able to help us, rather than alienating ourselves from all those people that have always loved us for who always have been?
You know, I may be young, and I may not know half of what others know, but I do know how hard it is sometimes to be yourself. There is one thing that I will not compromise in my life and that's myself and who I've become. Sometimes we get so lost in the moments and the drama and how situations play out, that we don't look at who we are and what we stand for, because if we did, we'd act much differently. You have to have a little faith in those you love and those that love you. You have to balance the love you give and the love you receive, you have to balance family and other relationships. You have to find that mid way with who you were and who you will be, and you have to be both, because all your life others loved you for you were and others will continue to love you for who you become.
Moments like this are not about anger or hate or dissatisfaction. They are about loss and devastation and concern; do not mistake these for anger, for they are much stronger but also much easier to forgive. These are feelings of love, not hate and this was never about not loving anyone, never about that love disappearing. You know I've given a lot of thought to all that's happened, and through all the hurt and the heartache it's caused, there are still those moments that I smile remembering the good times we all used to have. And while we all should change and grow, we must find in ourselves who we really want to become when we grow and change and who we want by our sides. Family is only thing that will always be there, and family, however difficult or different they may be, are the ones that loved us first for who we were, and for who we've become.
Do not mistake loss for anger, or concern for hate. When we look at those moments that we've make mistakes, we must be able to admit we were wrong, admit that our ignorance has taken over a bit. Sometimes just finding out what you really want from yourself and from those around you will show you the truth in what really has happened, regardless of who said what, and who's done what wrong. Sometimes you just have to get past the pride, and kneel before all you've done. Are we really ready to give up those ties, those relationships, those friendships that we've spent so many years building? Are we hiding behind insecurities and pride to prove a point and disconnecting those relationships that we've had for years?
Life is too short for this, and it's too long too. While I have tried to stay on the outside of all of this, I can't help but express how much we are all hurting each other with the secrets, the arrogance, and the lack of respect. Does it hurt to give someone the respect they deserve, to acknowledge a mother is hurting for her daughter, to acknowledge that we've made mistakes and that perhaps someone else might be able to help us, rather than alienating ourselves from all those people that have always loved us for who always have been?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
my love.
Here tonight I suddenly remember what it was like to fall in love, what it was to experience everything for the first time and to truly realize, for the first time, that you might have found forever. Three years ago almost, I looked into your eyes and I knew that something would change in me, that something was changing me forever. There of course were the little ways to show affection, the surprises, the nights spent over, the dinners out, the monthly anniversaries, the little moments of getting lost in your eyes. It's funny how love changes over the years and how surprises turn into repetition. I guess what I'm finally realizing is that though love might change, it does bring with it new surprises in each new era. I am finding here, now three years into this love I've found that though both of have changed, we have also become closer to each other. It's in the dependance, the closeness in spirit that we have grown into the couple we will become.
It seems to some that love fades and that the love dissipates, when in fact it never does, it only grows stronger with no need for physical encounters or signs of affection. Those are known between the two people and there is no need to show it off, for in our hearts, it is stronger than ever.
So here tonight my love, I am ready for a new beginning, for a new era to begin and for our hearts to grow even more dependent on each other. Our love has grown like nothing I have ever seen and while we have had to overcome changes and obstacles, we did that together and in our commitment, we will be able to withstand whatever life puts in front of us and we will grow with each new morning together, at that moment when I look over into your eyes and smile as I lay in your arms.
It seems to some that love fades and that the love dissipates, when in fact it never does, it only grows stronger with no need for physical encounters or signs of affection. Those are known between the two people and there is no need to show it off, for in our hearts, it is stronger than ever.
So here tonight my love, I am ready for a new beginning, for a new era to begin and for our hearts to grow even more dependent on each other. Our love has grown like nothing I have ever seen and while we have had to overcome changes and obstacles, we did that together and in our commitment, we will be able to withstand whatever life puts in front of us and we will grow with each new morning together, at that moment when I look over into your eyes and smile as I lay in your arms.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
stop trying
Sometimes the people that are closes to us can't see what is killing us, sometimes they don't understand what is upsetting us. And here I am, once again on the outside of a world that I can't seem to break into, a world that you used to let me into,a world that you used to want me to be a part of. And here tonight, once again I feel so alone, so lost against this wall you are putting up with me. I have tried so hard to break into it to help you and to understand, but anymore, you won't let me in. Rather you stick up for those that I can't stand and rather than letting me in, you continue to push me away.
Today of all days, I need someone to talk to. Today of all days I needed you, today of all days, I felt closer with a boy I used to love, rather than you. Today I felt helpless, lost and alone and yet you continued to put up your wall and push me farther and farther away. Why must you push me away, when all I ever wanted was to hold you hand and be part of your world.
I'm so tired of apologies, of people telling me they are sorry. And if I learned anything today I realized that I am not going to put up with it anymore. Apologies might bring forgiveness but it doesn't make it okay. It doesn't end the hurt that it caused me.
Why can't you see that you continue to hurt me, that you continue to block me out when I need you the most? I don't know what to do anymore; I guess it's out of my control and I should just stop trying.
Today of all days, I need someone to talk to. Today of all days I needed you, today of all days, I felt closer with a boy I used to love, rather than you. Today I felt helpless, lost and alone and yet you continued to put up your wall and push me farther and farther away. Why must you push me away, when all I ever wanted was to hold you hand and be part of your world.
I'm so tired of apologies, of people telling me they are sorry. And if I learned anything today I realized that I am not going to put up with it anymore. Apologies might bring forgiveness but it doesn't make it okay. It doesn't end the hurt that it caused me.
Why can't you see that you continue to hurt me, that you continue to block me out when I need you the most? I don't know what to do anymore; I guess it's out of my control and I should just stop trying.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
too late
I never thought my life would be where it is, I never thought that I'd be fighting these battles so young, so soon. My whole life all I ever have wanted was someone to listen, no one in my entire life has just listened to me, without judgement or opinion. All I ever wanted was someone to hold me at the end of the day without arguments or interruptions. I feel like that's all we are anymore, is arguments and interruptions. What happened to you? And maybe it's my fault too, maybe we're just not meant for this, maybe I failed you.
I have no strength left anymore, and it feels like I've been running for years on end with no break to breathe. I feel like nothing is easy and it's a struggle to smile at the end of the day. And here tonight I lay here on my own and while I should be sleeping after a long and exhausting day, I am here sitting up alone in the dark writing this, because there is no one else to talk to anymore except this computer screen who can't respond.
Life shouldn't be this hard this soon, there should be more moments of just smiling, more moments of just holding me without a word, moments that you don't need to argue with me, moments that just happen. Everything seems so forced anymore.
Why couldn't you have just listened and tried to understand. I'm tired of the excuses... I'm tired of it all.
I have no strength left anymore, and it feels like I've been running for years on end with no break to breathe. I feel like nothing is easy and it's a struggle to smile at the end of the day. And here tonight I lay here on my own and while I should be sleeping after a long and exhausting day, I am here sitting up alone in the dark writing this, because there is no one else to talk to anymore except this computer screen who can't respond.
Life shouldn't be this hard this soon, there should be more moments of just smiling, more moments of just holding me without a word, moments that you don't need to argue with me, moments that just happen. Everything seems so forced anymore.
Why couldn't you have just listened and tried to understand. I'm tired of the excuses... I'm tired of it all.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Lay at my Feet
Do you ever have a moment to yourself in the most unique of places, in the most random of times, when you think to yourself, how happy you really are with everything in your life. You know, there I was tonight, folding stacks of sweaters at work during closing time, and in a moment, the song was right, I was laughing with friends, and suddenly I just smiled to myself because even though a lot is happening in my life right now, I am so happy with everything I have.
For so long, I was trying to hold on to everything the way that it used to be, the things we used to do, the way my relationships with others and the people I was around. But suddenly I realize tonight that it doesn't matter what we used to do, because we have new places to go and new people to see. We have new traditions and we are changing each and every day. I have been so scared of what will come in the next few months, my parents are moving away to Hawaii, to a place I can't drive home to for the afternoon. A place that takes money and a plane and time to visit, a place that never will seem like home to me, and place that comes with risks. And while I'm so happy for them right now, I'm scared of letting them go that far away. I've always acted as if it didn't matter to me how close my family is, showing my independence I guess, but suddenly when I'm faced with this, it scares me a little and I know that when they leave, I truly will have to be adult and take care of myself. I've been thinking about all this for a while, so I'm glad that I can finally write it down and get it out of my mind. My parents mean a lot to me, and after all we've been through throughout the years, I respect them more than ever and I will miss them each and every day they are gone. Maybe I should look at this as a stepping stone, a new era for me and a new place for my heart to stand on its own for a while.
All this is also making me realize how special Nick is to me and how much our relationship is molding us for our futures and our adult lives. Everyday I smile because here we are, two and half years older, stronger, and more mature than we were at 18, young and in love, having fun and creating all those firsts that I'm so glad got to happen with him. Here we are, still together when so many friends have come and gone, family stayed and left, school never ending yet flying by so fast. And together we have already overcome so much, together we have cried about lost loved ones, friends that have not been so good to us, and the troubles of living on our own, getting overwhelmed and with all we have to do to be the people we are. But in the end, I would not want to go through all of this with anyone else, and in him, my life suddenly is not just mine anymore, it's ours and it's about the both of us. I can't wait until the day that I walk down the aisle and see him at the other end, but I also know that for now, I cannot get married at 21, nor can he. And I am finally seeing that as something that defines who I am and its not for me. I am too ambitious to do that now, and we are still kids at heart, kids who fell in love and experienced so much together, and that in a way, grew up too fast, not by choice, but by reality.
Life presents itself in ironic situations. And I guess, the point of this blog was this: I am so content with my life right now and while the next year brings a lot of new challenges and changes, I know that it will all work out. It will all find a way to work because no matter where I go or what happens in my life, I can always come home at the end of the day and see the boy I fell in love with at 18, grown up now into the young man he is becoming and know that all is okay, as long as I can hold him and that he will be beside me when the hardest challenges lay at my feet.
For so long, I was trying to hold on to everything the way that it used to be, the things we used to do, the way my relationships with others and the people I was around. But suddenly I realize tonight that it doesn't matter what we used to do, because we have new places to go and new people to see. We have new traditions and we are changing each and every day. I have been so scared of what will come in the next few months, my parents are moving away to Hawaii, to a place I can't drive home to for the afternoon. A place that takes money and a plane and time to visit, a place that never will seem like home to me, and place that comes with risks. And while I'm so happy for them right now, I'm scared of letting them go that far away. I've always acted as if it didn't matter to me how close my family is, showing my independence I guess, but suddenly when I'm faced with this, it scares me a little and I know that when they leave, I truly will have to be adult and take care of myself. I've been thinking about all this for a while, so I'm glad that I can finally write it down and get it out of my mind. My parents mean a lot to me, and after all we've been through throughout the years, I respect them more than ever and I will miss them each and every day they are gone. Maybe I should look at this as a stepping stone, a new era for me and a new place for my heart to stand on its own for a while.
All this is also making me realize how special Nick is to me and how much our relationship is molding us for our futures and our adult lives. Everyday I smile because here we are, two and half years older, stronger, and more mature than we were at 18, young and in love, having fun and creating all those firsts that I'm so glad got to happen with him. Here we are, still together when so many friends have come and gone, family stayed and left, school never ending yet flying by so fast. And together we have already overcome so much, together we have cried about lost loved ones, friends that have not been so good to us, and the troubles of living on our own, getting overwhelmed and with all we have to do to be the people we are. But in the end, I would not want to go through all of this with anyone else, and in him, my life suddenly is not just mine anymore, it's ours and it's about the both of us. I can't wait until the day that I walk down the aisle and see him at the other end, but I also know that for now, I cannot get married at 21, nor can he. And I am finally seeing that as something that defines who I am and its not for me. I am too ambitious to do that now, and we are still kids at heart, kids who fell in love and experienced so much together, and that in a way, grew up too fast, not by choice, but by reality.
Life presents itself in ironic situations. And I guess, the point of this blog was this: I am so content with my life right now and while the next year brings a lot of new challenges and changes, I know that it will all work out. It will all find a way to work because no matter where I go or what happens in my life, I can always come home at the end of the day and see the boy I fell in love with at 18, grown up now into the young man he is becoming and know that all is okay, as long as I can hold him and that he will be beside me when the hardest challenges lay at my feet.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
love will find its way
I've learned to breathe in all these years and now in this moment when it seems that all the breathes we take are stale and suffocating, I find myself wondering how people get through all we have to do and still find time for love. In three years, I have grown into more love than I've ever known, but at the same time, sometimes we get so caught up in all that is around us that we take that love for granted. And that makes me appreciate more how hard it is for people to stay married for years and years, how hard it is in this world to be loved unconditionally and without reason. I guess we just have to find our roots again, we have to look deep into our souls and search for the reasons we love someone. In my case, I love him because I can tell him anything, because in the end, he'd do everything he could to never let me down. I love him because after all these years, and all the stuff we've gone through together, he's still the person that can always make me laugh, the person that cares about how I feel and the person that regardless of how bad he's screwed up, he's always willing to try to fix it.
Love is something that becomes routine. It's something that we take so much for granted, and when we get to that point where it seems stale and breathless, we must remember that no matter what, if we have that person that does truly love us unconditionally, love will always find a way.
Love is something that becomes routine. It's something that we take so much for granted, and when we get to that point where it seems stale and breathless, we must remember that no matter what, if we have that person that does truly love us unconditionally, love will always find a way.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Defying gravity
I got to thinking tonight about how much we've all changed, and yet how much we are still the same. Here we are three years into the real world and some of us have gotten so far, while others have stayed behind. Some of us have created different journeys for ourselves than we imagined before. Some of us have found lovers, some of us gotten married, some of us gotten jobs, some of us studying for that career we've worked so hard for. Some of us are on our own, some of us not so much. But really in the end it comes down to what is in our souls and in our hearts.
Here we are, on the eve of adulthood and sometimes it feels like this road we call life, only continues to wind farther and farther away from where we thought we'd be. Here we are, wondering which decision to make, wondering how to keep surviving, wondering which people to say yes to, which people to tell no, which ideas to keep and which to throw away. It's time to try defining gravity. It's time to move towards all that we want and push away all that hinders us. It's time for us to stand up and make something of ourselves. It's time to move toward what we want and what we believe in. We must find that higher strength and push towards what we believe is real and true.
It's that time in our lives where we must stand up for what we believe in, because if we don't we will look back twenty years from now and shed a tear for the lost action that we long to recreate. We are young, passionate, and ready for our lives to begin.
Here we are, on the eve of adulthood and sometimes it feels like this road we call life, only continues to wind farther and farther away from where we thought we'd be. Here we are, wondering which decision to make, wondering how to keep surviving, wondering which people to say yes to, which people to tell no, which ideas to keep and which to throw away. It's time to try defining gravity. It's time to move towards all that we want and push away all that hinders us. It's time for us to stand up and make something of ourselves. It's time to move toward what we want and what we believe in. We must find that higher strength and push towards what we believe is real and true.
It's that time in our lives where we must stand up for what we believe in, because if we don't we will look back twenty years from now and shed a tear for the lost action that we long to recreate. We are young, passionate, and ready for our lives to begin.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
done
She held my hand through my darkest years, she was the one that I sat on the phone with crying the night away in my tiny closet when no one else would listen, when I had no one else to turn to. I sit here tonight, broken inside, such a high then such a low. She needs to open her eyes and tell me what is going through her mind, why she left everyone behind, why she has cut everyone out and why she didn't even bother to tell me, why I was the last to find out. I feel betrayed and hurt, the loyalty I thought we had I guess meant nothing to her. I am tired of doing all I can for people, being there for them whenever they need a shoulder to cry on, advice to be given and I am so tired of dealing with everyone else's problems when I have plenty of my own to deal with. I'm sick of hearing about them build themselves up and then tell me that I am like them... I am NOTHING like them and I swear to God that I will never be like them. They have never done anything that I look up to and while I love them, I do not aspire to be like them. I do not want to live their lives and I am done telling either of them what I think or how I am feeling because they use it as ammunition toward me to one another.
I am 21 years old, I should be enjoying what's left of my young adult life and not worrying about this feud between my aunts and my grandparents. I have no need to be in the middle of it, neither do I want to be in the middle of it. They have their issues that they've had for so many years that I personally don't care to relive it over and over again. I am done listening to it, I'm done dealing with it, and I'm done talking about it. I am sincerely hurt and it's something that is going to take more than an email to fix. I don't care anymore, they can sit on their high horses and cry and gossip and say that nobody listens to them, but they are the ones that have always gotten exactly what they want. Ironic how the girls that had everything handed to them, ended up like this?
I am 21 years old, I should be enjoying what's left of my young adult life and not worrying about this feud between my aunts and my grandparents. I have no need to be in the middle of it, neither do I want to be in the middle of it. They have their issues that they've had for so many years that I personally don't care to relive it over and over again. I am done listening to it, I'm done dealing with it, and I'm done talking about it. I am sincerely hurt and it's something that is going to take more than an email to fix. I don't care anymore, they can sit on their high horses and cry and gossip and say that nobody listens to them, but they are the ones that have always gotten exactly what they want. Ironic how the girls that had everything handed to them, ended up like this?
Friday, January 11, 2008
life lessons
After a long and overwhelming week... here are a few little life lessons I've learned:
. find a moment when you need it the most and just stand still, not doing anything, not thinking, just be still and breathe
. take the time to call a friend or a relative, it will mean the world to them
. hold someone's hand, it always will make you feel loved
. find out what you truly believe in and figure out what it really means to you in your life
. don't judge someone else for what faith they have, you don't know what's going on in their life
. when you love someone, tell them
. hug someone and tell them thank you for all they do
. smile when no one is looking
. wrap yourself in blankets, it will always make you feel better
. watch the rain fall
. sleep in as late as you want
. go above and beyond on what ever you are supposed to do, it will all pay off in the end
. always be on time
. watch a favorite movie or play your favorite song
. if you get the chance to travel, go for it
. when you are alone, always remember that it's a time to cleanse your soul and find out about yourself
. go home every once in a while, even if you hate it, it means the world to your parents
. be able to stand on your own, don't rely on other people to make you grow up, take responsibility for yourself
. if you are overwhelmed, cry, get upset, and then move on and do what you are supposed to do
. don't worry about what people are going to think, if you truly believe you are making the right decision, those closest to you will support you
. create someplace that represents your dreams and believe that you will go there (Paris!)
. take time and write down your thoughts from time to time
. tell some one when you are upset
. find someone that you can tell anything to
. have a balance of friends and love them for different things
. buy something you really want
. work the hardest you can, it will all pay off and you will be better for it
. but don't let work control you're entire life, keep the important things special
. don't worry about when marriage will happen, or when your life will be planned out, let life happen and just live
. don't regret things you've done or feel bad about them, they are what made you who you are and how you got to where you're at
. waking up next to someone you love is the best feeling in the entire world
. find someone you can laugh with, someone you can talk to, someone that you share a bond with, and keep them forever
. love is about falling in love over and over again, and when you can look at that person two years later and still feel a rush when you're with them, that's true love
. tell people you are thankful for them
. always tell the truth
. but sometimes a little white lie is okay
. we all feel lost sometimes, but finding your way back often creates a stronger more dedicated person
. dream and dream and dream and keep dreaming
. learn another language
. live in another country
. smile at someone you see on the street, it might just make their day
. get lost in someone's stare
. have a few too many drinks, so what if you get a little giggly?
. look out the window and smile, because what could be more beautiful than this moment right now?
. find a moment when you need it the most and just stand still, not doing anything, not thinking, just be still and breathe
. take the time to call a friend or a relative, it will mean the world to them
. hold someone's hand, it always will make you feel loved
. find out what you truly believe in and figure out what it really means to you in your life
. don't judge someone else for what faith they have, you don't know what's going on in their life
. when you love someone, tell them
. hug someone and tell them thank you for all they do
. smile when no one is looking
. wrap yourself in blankets, it will always make you feel better
. watch the rain fall
. sleep in as late as you want
. go above and beyond on what ever you are supposed to do, it will all pay off in the end
. always be on time
. watch a favorite movie or play your favorite song
. if you get the chance to travel, go for it
. when you are alone, always remember that it's a time to cleanse your soul and find out about yourself
. go home every once in a while, even if you hate it, it means the world to your parents
. be able to stand on your own, don't rely on other people to make you grow up, take responsibility for yourself
. if you are overwhelmed, cry, get upset, and then move on and do what you are supposed to do
. don't worry about what people are going to think, if you truly believe you are making the right decision, those closest to you will support you
. create someplace that represents your dreams and believe that you will go there (Paris!)
. take time and write down your thoughts from time to time
. tell some one when you are upset
. find someone that you can tell anything to
. have a balance of friends and love them for different things
. buy something you really want
. work the hardest you can, it will all pay off and you will be better for it
. but don't let work control you're entire life, keep the important things special
. don't worry about when marriage will happen, or when your life will be planned out, let life happen and just live
. don't regret things you've done or feel bad about them, they are what made you who you are and how you got to where you're at
. waking up next to someone you love is the best feeling in the entire world
. find someone you can laugh with, someone you can talk to, someone that you share a bond with, and keep them forever
. love is about falling in love over and over again, and when you can look at that person two years later and still feel a rush when you're with them, that's true love
. tell people you are thankful for them
. always tell the truth
. but sometimes a little white lie is okay
. we all feel lost sometimes, but finding your way back often creates a stronger more dedicated person
. dream and dream and dream and keep dreaming
. learn another language
. live in another country
. smile at someone you see on the street, it might just make their day
. get lost in someone's stare
. have a few too many drinks, so what if you get a little giggly?
. look out the window and smile, because what could be more beautiful than this moment right now?
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