Can't Give up Me

There are things in life that must happen. Things that must occur in order for us to live the lives we're meant to live. There are moments that must pass, and moments that must take your breath away. There are dreams that must be fulfilled and there are memories that must be forgotten, or perhaps not all but forgotten, but tucked away where they can't hurt us anymore. There are nights that must pass slowly and there are days and weeks that must fly by in the blink of an eye.

I can't believe how quickly time is flying by, how quickly the months are passing and soon the years will be gone, the opportunities that I always wanted lost to the passing time, if I don't do it now, if I don't chase those dreams, if I don't experience all of the world that I want to, one day I will wake up and time will be gone. One day I will wake up and those dreams will be dead.

So I hope you understand that nothing has ever meant more to me in my life than those dreams I've always had. They are what keep me alive and going, they are what put me to sleep every night and what get me up in the morning. Those dreams are the dreams that drive me, the moments that take my breath away and the feeling inside my heart. I hope you can see that if I give that up now, if I secede those dreams that make me who I am, if I relinquish all that I control to what makes me myself, then I give up my soul, I give up the life that I want and need and love.

I give up me.

And I'm at a point in my life that I don't want to give myself up, that I don't think that I should have to. I want to go out and live, and grow and experience the world and not feel guilty about that. I want to travel and live and love and enjoy every minute of it, never having to be somewhere else or feel like I should be doing something else. This is my time to feel, to breathe, to live, without pressures, without responsibilities, without regrets.

And I need to be me and no one else, and I need to move ahead and I need to follow my dreams. And I need to do what I want for once, and to follow my heart, and to pray and to feel. I don't want to give it up right now and I won't for a while, if I ever do. I can't nail down an answer yes or no, I can't tell you I'll be back because I don't know if I ever will, I can't tell you that I will outgrow this, because I don't know if that's true. I can't give up on what I want and neither should you.

I can't give up on me.

Faith

As I sit here tonight, thinking about how one week ago I was attending mass at the cathedral in Seoul, and looking around me and thinking how global religion is. Faith is such a worldwide, international language and no matter where you are, you'll find it, some form of religion and prayer, some form of faith. No matter how far you search, you will always find the call of prayer. For me, it took me a while to find my faith again after I grew up with it, after I had to make the decision on my own. But now in my life, my faith holds so dear to my heart and so often, my faith is what soothes me these days. It's that few hours a week, sitting in mass, in a place where only prayer and peace reign, that makes me wonder how I could ever doubt it. And while there are things that a human church on earth may get wrong, it is the power of faith and prayer and devotion that carry us believers through our lives. It's knowing that while there is nothing we can prove, it's the power of faith and prayer that makes us who we are and that makes our hearts grow each and every day.

It's the peace we feel in a mass, in prayer or in devoted time. It's the faith in our souls, and the faith is the church that pull us through those moments when we need a little bit extra. And no matter where you are in the world, there will be religion and faith and prayer, because without it, we'd be more lost than we are.

The Search

What is it when there are so many choices to make and only complicated answers to the questions we face? What happens when everything is laid out before you and suddenly you have no idea which decision to make? Where is the line between the correct choice and the wrong one? And how long do we wait for things to change, before we change them ourselves? What is the price we pay for following our hearts and our dreams?

Suddenly my head is filled to the brim with questions, and no matter which I look at it, the answers are all more complicated than the questions they answer. There are moments when I wonder if it's all worth it, and then I sit here looking out at the blue sky and mountains, at the city before me and the ocean beyond and I smile because I know in the end it is worth it, every second of doubt is made right because this is the life I want, complicated or not.

But how do we handle the tough decisions, how do we find the balance between hurting someone else and hurting ourselves? And when is the line drawn that shows us the decision has been made? When do we move forward with the heartache and leave it all behind? Maybe I'm not up for making these choices, maybe I need to just let it all happen on its own, but somehow inside of me, I can't do that... I've never been able to do that. I have to make the choice, I have to do it for me and for everyone around me. Sometimes I feel like my head is so filled with questions that I never get a moment anymore to just feel... I guess that until I am exactly where I think I should be I won't get that, until I know for sure, with all my certainty that this is what is meant for me, that everything in my life is in the place it should be, I'll always be searching for that peace I know I'll find, someday.

Like I used to...

Sometimes I wonder how I became this way. Sometimes I get so caught up in where I want to be and who I want to become that I forget what's most important in life. Sometimes I just miss the feeling of the Portland city streets under my feet, or the beautiful green leaves that fill the trees during the spring. I miss the 15 minute walks and I miss the love that I felt so abundantly in that city. Sometimes I wonder about my choices, about where I'm headed. Sometimes I find myself thinking about your smile, about the times when we were so happy in our little city, in our little apartment, in our little life. And sometimes, in this grand life I'm living, I can't help but wonder what it would be like there.

I know I still want to chase all those dreams, but lately I've been wondering if it's worth it alone? I feel a little lonely here tonight... and missing the feeling I had in Seoul just a few days ago and missing the feeling of Portland in the fall... if only I could have it all in one life, if only I could figure out a way to combine it all.

If only I could have it all figured out like I used to...

Cravings

All my life I've craved different cultures, all my life I've been more comfortable with people that share that interest with me, that share a background like me, that share the mind set I've just always had. I've always felt like I'd never be content to live my whole life in the States, it's just not for me. And being here in Korea, being mixed among so many different kinds of people, with so many different backgrounds, experiencing so many different things, it's only validating everything I've always thought. I need a life like this, whether it's in Asia or Europe or the Middle East, I will always crave this life, this international life, the world as my home, learning languages and learning to live like these cultures.

It's so refreshing being here after so many years in the States. It makes me know that my heart still craves this, that this is really all I've ever really known and pushing myself to live an average life in the States is not what will make me happy. This trip was exactly what I needed at this point in my life, exactly what my body and soul needed, and it has brought me so many answers to so many unanswered questions lingering. I finally see the world like I used to, I'm living it like I used to, and I'm finally feeling that sense of place again, that sense of place that I crave and love and hold so very dear to me.

Journey Ahead

It's raining here this morning, a beautiful downpour of raindrops and it's appropriate to wake up today to the sound that always calms me, the rain that soothes me deep into myself on this day of any others. Today I embark on a new journey, my first trip overseas in 12 years, my first trip overseas on my own, my first trip for work, my first experience being the person I've always dreamed of being. And in 24 hours, I will be out of the country, back in the world that I've missed for so long. And as I watch the rain pour down outside, my heart is smiling so big you can't even imagine.

I finally feel like myself again, like this is who I am, like the past 12 years haven't mattered and I'm back to that girl that grew up half a world away. And all this time that's passed hasn't changed any part of me, I still long to return to the places that made me who I am.

It's easy to leave things behind and to get caught up over time in a life that makes you comfortable but not happy. And for too long, I've put the life I need to live behind me, and finally, I feel like I have the wings to fly. Every day I wake up and know that this is the life I've always needed, the world I've always craved and the experiences that will shape my journey ahead.

My City

Isn't it ironic that we spend our lives trading one thing for another. We trade the beautiful colors for palm-tree filled paradise. We trade being with someone we love to living alone and we trade a city full of cobblestones and outdoor dining for a city that's mismatched and not really alive in exactly the same way. Don't get me wrong, I am immensely enjoying this era of my life and learning from all the experiences that I am supposed to, waking up every morning to the ocean and the beautiful blue sky. But suddenly this morning it dawned on me, I won't have the fall this year, not in the way I love. I won't have the changing color, not in the way I love. I won't have those days when it's bone chillingly cold but somehow still so beautiful. I won't have the dark rainy winter days I love or that time in the fall when everybody moves their outdoor tables inside.

I am realizing more and more every day that while my life here is beautiful, stunning actually and it seems that I've gotten everything I've always wanted, another city will always be my home. This place here, while beautiful and seductive, isn't the city I love... it's not the place I will ever call my real home.

And while there may be many cities in my life, and they all will have things I love, like this beautiful view and a balcony overlooking the city, none of them will have the feeling of the one city that became mine at 18, the one city that sits on the Willamette River and the city that a 20 minute walk will get you anywhere. It's the city that's not really a real "city city" but big enough to look impressive. It's the city that first made me feel alive, the city that I habitually feel safe in. It's the city that holds my heart and perhaps it always will.

Tiny Little Lights

Out there across the ocean tonight you are sleeping. And here on this tiny island in the middle of a crowded city, I am thinking of you. I've always known that I'd end up somewhere on my own like this, it's been a part of who I was to become for a long time and it was something that I needed in order to move ahead in my life. I needed to believe again in the magic of the city, in the honesty of the millions and millions of flickering lights and the mystery of how beautiful life is when I can stand on my balcony and look out over the water to where you are.

I've always been a dreamer and for a while, I lost that part of me. I've been learning that I can't give up hope in my dreams because they are what make me smile, what make me laugh, what make me cry and what make me proud. They are make me who I am, and I won't ever give them up. And for my whole life, I've never thought that anyone could come between me and what I want to do with my life, but I'm realizing more and more every day, that you are the one person in this entire world that I would give it all up for. You are the one person that just might make rethink things. If I'm learning anything by being on my own again, I'm learning that every day is a gift, that it's something new and something to take advantage of. And when you see my view out onto this beautiful city, you'll know how magical it is every single day and how it changes me when I just breathe in the air.

I look out over the water, toward where you are and I smile, because someday we'll be living in our own apartment, with a balcony stretching out across the city, watching the millions and millions of tiny little lights flickering across the horizon. Someday we'll have figured everything out and we'll know that because we spent this time apart, we became stronger and more ready to take on the world and everything we have that we want to still accomplish.

Smile

I don't think I've ever felt so at peace as I do now. It seems the world has been lifted off of my shoulders and I am surrounded by new people, new places and most of all, everything I've always wanted seems to have come true here. It's hard to believe that I've only been here two weeks, in my heart it feels like I've always been here. And maybe it's because it reminds me so much of living overseas, or maybe it's because I'm finally doing what I've always wanted to do. And maybe it's because I can sit here night after night and stare out at the city before me and know that this is so right.

Maybe it's because for the first time in my adult life, I actually am doing exaclty what I want and enjoying it. Maybe it's because I am blissfully happy, the happiest I've been in years. And maybe it's because there is something about this city, about this place that reminds me so much of my childhood that it makes me smile sometimes and feel right at home. And maybe it's because I know that my parents are only 15 minutes away again and that I get to come home everyday to this view. Maybe it's because I have so many dreams for my life or maybe it's because there are moments when I can't believe I just moved here.

Maybe it's because of all those things and more, but I don't care because I can't help but smile everyday.

Know that I love you

We're both on our own journeys this year and we're both searching for the things we have to have in order to move on forward. I am still the same girl, still on the one that smiles when it rains, still the one that has to have a blanket in 90 degree heat. I am still the girl that uses 50 sugar packets in her iced tea and the girl that dreams of Paris. I'm still your girl, I'm still the one that loves being in the middle of the city and that finally got her balcony. I'm still the one that you fell in love with, I'm just a little farther away than I used to be.

I know it's going to be hard, that we'll see that couple walking down the street hand in hand and wish it was us. I know that these next couple years or however long it will be will be tough, but hold on to me. Hold on to what we are and who we'll be. Hold on to my smile and keep me in your heart. Remember that a few years is nothing in the span of a lifetime and know that this is truly what I needed, what was meant for me to start my journey and that I am happy, missing you, but happy.

Know that I wake up every single morning and walk out on my balcony and smile, knowing that just out there across the ocean, you might be smiling too. Know that I have everything I always dreamed of and that this is my step to get to where I want to be. Know that I love you and that I always will. Know that someday I will be ready to settle down, someday I will be ready to say those words and live our life together. Know that in a couple years, we will be back together again, and know that this time apart will strengthen us and make us ready for what is coming next.

Know that I am always with you, that when I smile, I think of you. Know that even though I am miles away, I am yours still. Know that you are in my thoughts and that you are always a part of me. Know that I love you, and that will always be enough.

New PAssion, New Love

Sometimes we must open ourselves up to believe in things that are not even real, things in this world that perhaps could be, but never will be seen. We must find a way to believe in something we cannot see or touch, in a love that changes every part of you and an all consuming belief in something that we might never attain.

We must experience those rushes, those passions, those new beginnings to live in a way that will change us and make us find our true selves. There will be heartache along the way no doubt, but there will also be those moments of tender passion and belief, of fear and of hope. We must exchange what we think we know with what we need to know, and we must let go of all that's holding us back.

We are living in a time in which strength within our hearts is ever fleeting and with our minds in chaos, we must find the peace within the unknown and embrace it with all we have. We must leap toward the courage we know we have somewhere down deep and thrill ourselves with new passions and new loves.

What's in my Mind

I don't know where I'll be next year,
if I'll be the person you think I should be,
if I'll be the girl that you used to know.

I don't know if I can ever stay in one place long enough,
I don't know if I can give up my dreams,
or if I should.

I don't know what's on my mind,
or what's in my heart,
but I'm just along for the ride,
and it's time for me to do it on my own again.

I don't know where the freedom went,
but I want it back, just a little bit,
for a just a little while.

I don't know if I'll be who you used to know,
or if I'll ever stay long enough,
but right now, the restlessness is kicking in,
so let me fly free into that world waiting for me.

Barely Begun...

Sometimes there is a moment in which you realize that something is wrong. A moment when doubt fills your mind, and when you must make a choice between following your dreams and following someone you love. There are moments in our lives that make us choose and for better or for worse, it's those choices that define us, that create who we are and who we become. I think that sometimes, we hold on to what we know, what we thought we loved because we are comfortable and because we thought we were in love.

I am beginning to wonder what love really means, and how to answer the questions I am asking myself these days. I am considering what it means to really love, to really dream, and what it takes to move on and what that means in the long run. For me, dreams have always been something strong in my heart and mind, dreams are what have gotten me through my life and they are what drive me, what push me and what make me excel. They are my saving grace and my first loves, they are what make me who I am and what show me the most beautiful things in the world. My dreams encompass my faith, my goals, my loves, my memories and who I am: they encompass all that I am.

We are all here for a reason, and every step we take in life is set in front of us to make a choice, whether for good or bad, it's there for us to choose which we think is right and just. And when we feel something that we believe in, something that moves us, something that makes us think, it shakes us, it changes us and it makes us feel all over again.

I am not near the end of my journey, nor have I felt all the emotions I want to feel someday. I have not even begun to follow all my dreams yet, but be sure that I will, because when I leave this world, I will die with two things: my faith and my dreams accomplished. I am a girl of many traditions, of many faiths, of many dreams, and I am a girl that has barely begun...

Where I belong

My life is about moments when I have no idea where I'll be next. It's about knowing I'll only be somewhere for a few years, and then my restlessness will kick in. It's about holding on to the desert, and knowing I will return someday. My life is about knowing love will define me, it's about seeing my oldest friends and feeling comforted. It's about remembering what it felt like to have the sand against my skin and watching the palm trees sway in the desert wind. It's about family and knowing they will always be there, it's about friends that make you laugh. My life is about making decisions on my own and making them only for me, no one else. It's about making my own money and moving on. It's about outgrowing something and moving on to something else. My life is about cosmopolitans and dark chocolate, it's about movies that I could watch over and over again. My life is about lunch out with friends and a dinner at home. It's about balconies with views over the harbor, and embraces with people that make you feel real. It's about seeing someone you haven't seen in 12 years and feeling right at home with them. It's about feelings you have for someone when you're not sure if they feel the same way, it's about not knowing where I'll be in 2 years, in 5 or in 10. It's about watching family fall apart and then come back together someday, it's about a network of connections all over the world. It's about mornings in Hawaii and weekends in Portland. It's about being proud and it's about holding on to my faith when nothing else makes sense. It's about moments when something is so beautiful you don't think you could ever let it go, and it's about writing when I don't know what else to do.

My life is about first loves and lasting moments. It's about finding love in all the places I least expect. It's about drinks with friends and blankets on the couch. It's about moments that you never thought would happen and pink suitcases. It's about pink watches and the Eiffel tower, Morrocco and Cairo. It's about Ras Tanura, Saudi Arabia and the smell of sweet bread cooking in the outdoor ovens. My life is about never making plans and knowing that everything will work out for a reason. Its about waiting to see where I'll be and living it to the fullest. It's about knowing that someday I'll be standing in the desert again and I'll smile, knowing that that's where I truly belong.

Love Song

Suddenly tonight, it's all starting to hit me. And I believe that where I am going, where we are going is meant to be, I just wish it wasn't going to be this hard. I can feel the tears starting already, and even though I act so strong all the time, suddenly I'm not so sure that I'm so strong.

I always thought when I got to this point that I'd be so ready to run off into the sunset and chase all my dreams, that I'd be alone and in my own little world of fulfillment and achievements. But then there was you. And there was us. And there was love. For the first time in so many years, through everything we've seen, everything we've done and all that's been done to us, I love you more now than I ever have and I find so much peace and comfort in you and me, that I'm not so sure I can give that up.

You are the only person in this world that I can always count on, the only person that would stop whatever you were doing to hold me, and the only person that would drive back down the road to have lunch with me when I need you. And I am so proud of you and so proud of the person you are becoming, the man you are and the things you will accomplish.

I know in my heart that this is meant for us, that we have to overcome this next step to move on together with our lives. But I also know it will be one of the hardest years of our lives. So my love, I give you this: I will look down at my hand at this beautiful promise ring that sits on my finger every day and I will smile and think of you, and pretend that you are holding me when I need it most, and I will find comfort in the fact that you have my whole heart and that you always will.

I have so many dreams and so many goals for myself, but none of them are as important as we are, none of them are as real as we are and none of them make me as happy as you do. So as we sit in the next year or so with an ocean between us, know that I will be holding you in my mind every second of every day while we are apart. And as we live our own lives on each side of that ocean, as we chase the goals and dreams we have for ourselves, we will both know that no matter what or where we are, we will make it. We'll make it through to the other end and be stronger because of it, we'll make it because I wouldn't want to stand under the Eiffel Tower with anyone else or visit Cairo with anyone else, or smile at anyone else in Morocco and Tel Aviv. You are my dream, and that's good enough for me.

Blessings

As we sit here under the rain filled sky, under a rain that cleanses us with each new drop that falls, we realize that what we have in this life are blessings and achievements and in the end, nothing else really matters. After a very long day, filled with many things that tested my ability to go on, I sit here tonight, next to the boy I love, listening to the rain outside and counting my blessings. And as so much is about to change in my life, I can't help but hope that I am this lucky the rest of my life. I can't help but hope to have the friends and family and love in my life that I do know forever.

There are challenges each and every single day, there are moments when you just want to cry and run away, there are times when nothing goes right, when you hope it will all just go away. And then there are times when you don't think you could be any happier, when every wish seems to come true. There are times when you must take what you are dealt and make the most of it, and there are times when moments pass you by and when you wish you could get them back.

I have learned in my life that's been riddled with so many goodbyes to so many people and places I have loved, that things that are supposed to be in your life, will be. That the people that truly touch you deeply will always remain in your heart and while some may fade, they will always be there, they will always be blessings in their own way.

It seems that the past two weeks have been such an emotional rollar coaster for me, good and bad, hard and easy, challenging and rewarding, and yet here tonight I sit listening to the rain outside, knowing that whatever may happen in my life in the years to come, I will always have those people and places that keep me whole, the things in my life that I count as blessings each and every single day, and those moments that still take my breath away.

Rylan Todd Evans

Tonight my best friend from high school gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy and as baby Rylan entered the world, I realized something truly important. Whatever our lives hold for us, love will truly pull us through. Whatever this beautiful baby boy may go through in his life, he will be loved, by his parents, by his family, by his friends, by me. He will be loved deeply and without regret, without apprehension. He will be loved and he will know what it means to love someone else.

And someday he will fall in love with someone else, and he will find out that love in this world is rare, but always there when you need it. He will find that when you find someone to share your adventures with, when you find someone to pull you through the toughest and darkest moments of your life, it's the most important and lovliest thing in the world.

Tonight Rylan Todd Evans has become a part of this beautiful world and it will be through the love that so many will have for him that he will learn to love himself. It will be because he was loved from the very first moment he entered the world that he will find comfort and strength and love on his journey.

And so Rylan Todd Evans, from your Aunt Casey, know that I will always love you, that I will always remember the day that your dad sent me that photograph of you, that I will always be there when you need that break from your parents, and when you need some advice about that girl you're falling for. I love you Rylan and you are a blessed little baby tonight, welcome to our world.

Prayer to Allah

We live in a world at war, where religion is cause for fighting and death is often cause for joy, an ending to a helpless world. We live in a country in which the majority of the population couldn't draw a map of the countries in the Middle East, yet here we are, in a war with the Muslim world. We are a generation that has pretty much grown up with our country at war, in a country in which Muslims and the vast majority of Islam are viewed as terrorists. We are a country in which faith is coveted by many, and in which we preach "freedom of religious views" and "equality for everyone" yet Muslims are profiled out of a crowd because they pray to Allah instead of God.

And perhaps my views are tainted because I find just as much beauty and truth in a mosque and the desert as I do in cathedrals and the rain. Perhaps I have a tainted view because of my childhood, because I have a deep respect for the Middle East and it's perhaps a part of my bones, perhaps because it's a part of my heart and always will be.

But one thing I've learned is that just because someone prays five times a day facing east toward Meccah, instead of going to mass on Sundays, doesn't make them any more and any less than the rest of us. It doesn't make them a sinner or an outcast or the enemy. I have had the privilege of knowing many Muslims in my life and I remember as a small child, having a conversation with a schoolmate about the differences our religions posed. She, a Jordanian Muslim and me, an American Roman Catholic. I remember so vividly how she told me we prayed to the same God, whether called Allah or God, He was the same. She told me she believed in Jesus too, just not in the same way that I did. She believed, as Muslims do, that Jesus was a prophet, just like Mohammed, but not the Son of God. And two children, from different sides of the world could understand something that many in our world refuse to even today.

Our world is at risk from so much today. From wars, to climate change, to dissappearing species, to endangered natural resources, to overpopulation, to greed, and to fear. We are often so afraid of what we do not know, we view places and people in a way of creating tension within our beliefs so that we don't have to deal with all that is wrong. Someone asked me recently, "Is there anywhere in the world you're just afraid to go?" And after thinking for a moment, my response was no. And truthfully I can say, that there is no where in the world that I am afraid to go, because in each place, whether it is safe or not, beauty and truth and justice can be found. In the deepest caves of Afghanistan or in the Jungles of the Amazon, there are people out there working for the good, there are places that will take your breath away and there are beliefs there that are as strong as ever.

We are a society and a world that has still so much to learn, a place that every day, we must take on a new challenge and continue all the ones we've had thus far. Every day, we must wake up and take on a new day, a new hungry child in Africa, a new Israeli woman hurt in a bomb blast, a new young girl growing up in Saudi Arabia, struggling between faith and independence. Every day a new challenge, every day, stronger faith in whatever it is you believe. But we must remember that there is no cause to single out the faith of others, we are no one to judge, we are no one to say that our faith is stronger or more true than theirs. We must learn to see beauty and truth in mosque, synagogue and cathedral. We must hear the Arabic call to prayer and smile, knowing that even though we may not pray to Allah, at least faith is keeping us strong.

Stepping Stones

Sometimes life throws things at us, whether it the loss of two pets within a few short months' time or major life decisions that we thought we were ready for but weren't. It gives us challenges that we know we can handle, even though we might feel too broken to move on. I am a turning point in my life right now. Making choices that will change my life, my relationships and my future career. And with some sad news coming my way today, suddenly it all seems so much in perspective.

Sometimes I wonder what's going to happen in the next few years, with Nick and I going our seperate ways for the first time in 4 years, while trying to stay together. With my career beginning and the choices I will make on my own for the first time in my life, having my own money, my own success and my own failures, and all the things that I love about my life are about to change. All the little things we take for granted will soon be different and all the things that we always thought we'd have forever, will soon be gone.

It makes me think so much about how much my life has already changed in the past four years and how much it will change even more. And I guess that helps, it makes me understand even more, that what's important will stay in my life and what's not, will be gone. It makes me realize that the little moments matter more than anyone will ever tell you they do and that I will suddenly be on my own again, something that I haven't done in four years. It makes me realize how important family is and how important it is to remember those that have gone before us, and to follow on their journies.

Life is a full of stepping stones and this one that's coming is the biggest one I've stepped onto so far. This one that's coming, so close ahead, is one that will challenge me and make me a better person, it will push me farther and it will make me choose what I want and what I don't in my life. And that's it, this next stepping stone, is my life, no one else's this time, my own chance to change the world, to make the most of myself and to do it all on my own.

So today, as sad news is ciculating through my family, please think of me from time to time as I begin to step forward to the next stepping stone in my life as it will mold my years to come.

The State of Our World

Looking ahead I feel, like so many of us are feeling, the wrath of the economy. We are nervous and excited, we are beginning the next chapter of our lives in a time and an era with issues and challenges that we have never seen before. We are beginning an era of change, change in our personal lives as well as in the life of our planet, of our country and of the entire world. And as we begin a new time in our lives, we must remember that we can still make that difference. We can still love what we do and we can find a way to do it, amongst the strains that have been set upon us, most of which is not any of our own doing. We are placed in a challenge, set in the middle of a minefield and left to our own devices to escape and make something of ourselves.

We are suddenly thrown out in the cold, unaware entirely of what we are up against, still dreaming of a day when that email will come offering us something to take, some place to go, some job to grow into. We sit in our respective lives sending resume after resume and praying that someday, we'll find something that fits us, something that makes us happy, something that gives us our chance to make something of ourselves. All we need is that one person to give us a chance, to take a risk on us and for them to say yes when everyone else is saying no.

And so, looking ahead, I know that I will accomplish all I wish to and I know that I will find someplace that I fit, someplace that I love and a career that makes me happy every day. I know that I will, it's the time now waiting that kills me. It's this unsurity, the waiting for someone to contact me, for someone to tell me I am worthy of taking a risk for. We are joining the adult world in a terrible time, in a time that a faultering economy is weakening every country in the world, and where the job market is tighter than it's been in probably 20 years. So in this time of change and unsurity, let's come together and unite, fight this fight together and accomplish all of our dreams together.

Eiffel Tower Dreams

Tonight as the rain pours down outside, my heart is once again at peace. And after a long day with family, family that I trust, that I adore and that inspire me, and a peaceful drive home to the city that has shown me who I am, I am realizing that these past four years have shown me more love and blessings that I could have ever imagined.

I have learned that no matter where you think you'll be, you'll end up somewhere else. That no matter how much you think you know, you can always learn more and that no matter where you think the road leads, there are always detours on that path. I don't know where I'll be in a year, in two, in ten. I don't know if I'll be married, if I'll be in the States or if I'll have found what I'm looking for. I don't know if I'll have stood under the Eiffel Tower and smiled, or if I'll have had my first job, my first apartment paid for all by myself. I don't know when those things will happen, I don't know if I'll have accomplished what I wanted to, and I don't know what detours I'll encounter on the way.

I do know that so far in my life I have been blessed by so many things. I know that I have learned lessons in my 22 years that many live to 50 to never see, I have met people that have changed me, and I have loved and lost, I have done things I never thought I would but that define who I am. I have stood up for myself and what I believe and I have made something of myself, all on my own.

And that is exaclty what I intend to continue to do. I don't know where my road ends up, and I'm happy that I don't. I don't know what speed bumps I will hit or when I will have to find another road, I don't know if I'll get everything I want or if I'll keep the faith I have now. I don't know anything about where I'm going, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think that sometimes life has to be that road with no road signs, that we drive just by feeling and that we make it on our own. I've never been one to take the easy way out and I won't ever let myself fall to that. Sometimes that storm that batters us down, is the best thing that ever happened.

So as I sit here tonight, contemplating where I'm at and where I'm going, I know that I am lucky. I know that I headstrong, that I will get to where I want to be, but I won't put a number on it, I won't make myself a schedule for success and I won't lay out my life like a timeline. I know that someday I will get married, someday I'll buy my own apartment in some city, out there some where. I know that someday I'll stand in Cairo and Morocco and all those places that I know I'll visit. I know that someday I'll find that piece of myself that I need to find and that someday I'll have someone looking up to me. I know that someday I'll stand under the Eiffel Tower once again and smile, remembering all those years ago that I stood there and dreamed those first dreams that I always knew would come true.

So as the next chapter of my life begins, I have no idea where I'm going, no idea what I'm up against and no idea how I'll get where I want to be, but it will happen. It will happen because I know it will and I have faith in myself enought to know that I can get there.

With Me

Here I am, alone again, just what I thought I wanted. Here I am, alone here in our apartment, with the sun setting slowly as the light is fading from the day, and we begin a week on our own. Here I am, alone, just like I want so often; when will I realize that maybe this isn't what I want?

And you are always there, ready to admit you were wrong, ready to hold me through the night. There you are, the boy that stole my heart so long ago, and here we are, growing into two very different people than we were back then. Here we are, learning to love again, learning to love the new people we have become.

Keep on believing, keep your faith... and I'm trying to more than you will ever know. Keep holding on, keep hold of my heart and don't let me drift. We'll make it through, we'll fall in love again and find out more about the new people we are becoming each and every day.

So in this next week of our separation, remember my love, that I am here still... though I may be an ocean away. Remember my love, that I am still here, and I am learning to live and love and grow again. Will you learn to live and love and grow with me?

Here

I never thought it would end like this, and I never thought that my heart would be so far away. I never thought that you'd slam that door, and that we'd be all wrong. I never thought that I'd be this girl and that you'd be him, I never thought that everything that life threw at us would be too much. I never thought that I would become such a burden, a chore. I never thought that this life would become so messy, that what we had, would kill me.

I never thought I'd drift so far away or that my heart would feel these emotions. I never thought that you'd need that from me, that you wouldn't know who I was, that you would expect me to be someone different. I never thought that our roads would end here and that you would be him and I would be me. I never thought that these moments would come, and that you would have let me go for so long. I never thought that I'd be here, so young, so ready for the world, and yet still here, not chasing my dreams, not going after my heart, just here, alone and afraid.

Where we Are

I know we're not quite where we used to be, but we're slowly getting there. And we're getting there together, through the stress, through the challenges, through the long days. We're not quite who we used to be but we're learning about life together and I'm not quite sure who I'd be with out you. I've grown into I am with you by my side and I'm not sure who I'd turn into if you were gone now.

I know we're not quite back to the love we used to have, but we're getting there. We're getting to a stronger, deeper, more mature love, a love that has been through life, through challenges, through real heartache and loss. We'll probably be the last of our friends to get married, though we've been together the longest, and that's okay with me because we've been through the ups and downs together, learning about life together and we've been flattened and thrown around and we're still standing, together.

I know we're still finding our way back to where we used to be, and that the road won't come easily or take overnight, I know we're finding who we are with each other beside us, and that life won't get easier or less complicated, it will get worse and harder and test us even more. But I do know that even though it seems we've been through hell and back this year, that I wouldn't want to make it through with anyone else. You know me better, more deeply and more intimately than everyone I've ever met.

And I know that while we're not quite where we used to be, we're getting there. And while we may not be to Paris yet, we're getting close.

Believe in Me

Listen to the sweet evening and grasp the last ounce of light from the stars tonight. Take life by the hand and go after everything in front of you. So often we let everyone tell us that we can't do it, that we can't make it what we want, that we can't make ourselves who we want to be. And even though the road ahead is hard and challenging and earth-shaking and will test our soul, it's the sweet evening breeze and the last ounce of light from the stars that will get us through the toughest times we may face.

It's these years of our lives that are endless, that express open possibilities, that we will get paid horrible wages, work long hours and dream of everything we'll someday have, but it's these times that we are the most alive, that things are the most thrilling and that life is just beginning. It's these times that we have the truest friends, the most intense lovers, the longest minutes and the even longer days. And while we may think that time is flying by, it will only continue to fly by faster... so we must enjoy the time that we have.

So take in the sweet evening tonight, and take a look up at the stars, and have faith that things will come and things will go and we'll find love and we'll lose it, and we'll move away and we'll come home, and we'll have rainy days and we'll have sunny ones. We'll fail and we'll succeed and we'll find ourselves and lose ourselves over and over again. And we must know, that all along the journey, it just becomes more beautiful as we progress, more intense and more lovely. Believe in us, believe in me. We will make it to all of our dreams... it just might take some time.

Wonderment

Sometimes I wonder where I'd be if I'd chosen a different path, or if my parents had chosen a different choice. Sometimes I wonder who I'd be if I had grown up differently and what life I'd have if just one small detail had been different. And especially lately, I'm wondering where I'm headed. I'm wondering what will fill this void in my heart, and if I'll ever get to fulfill all those dreams I have in my head and in my heart. I'm wondering where I'll be in 5 years, in 10?

Sometimes I just want to hop on the next plane, no matter where it's headed, just to have a change of scenery for a while, a chance for exploration and filling my heart with dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough to follow my heart to its limits, sometimes I wish I wouldn't listen so closely to what people want from me, but rather, fulfill what I want for myself.

Sometimes I wonder where I'd be if 10 years ago, I'd chosen to be a different person, if 4 years ago I had chosen a different school, and now here I am, about to make more life changing decisions and I can only wonder where I'll be in a month, in a year, in 5 or 10. And so in my heart, as I search to fill the void, I can only hope that in the years to come, some part of me will be the person I hope to be and find what's really out there for me.

Loneliness

Sometimes I wonder where my heart is, and how I got back here, to this place, to the loneliness, to the emptiness. Sometimes I wish I could just pull myself out of everything, just leave everything behind and start over again. Sometimes I wonder what happened, to the girl that was so happy. Sometimes I wonder if this is how life will be forever, happiness and then the loneliness sets in.

Lately, I feel as if there are so many words to say, but no one to say them to. Sometimes all I want to do is sit and look out the window and wonder where I'm going, in life and in love. Sometimes I just want to scream, sometimes I just wish the weight was lifted off my shoulders just for a day.

If only for a day, I didn't have a worry in the world, maybe the pressure lifted would cure my empty heart. Maybe one day, I won't have to fight to laugh, maybe one day soon I will find what I'm looking for, what I need, and what will fill my heart once again.

Two Roads Meet

I can feel it coming to an end, something that's suddenly feeling so suffocating, wishing that things we different, wishing that I didn't feel like I can't breathe here anymore. I've tried time and time again, and every time, the steps fall the same way. We thought we'd accomplish all our dreams together, but sometimes things don't work out how you thought they would.

And this feeling that I have inside isn't going away, no matter how hard I try or how many times I start over clean. It always ends up back inside, making me want to run, to flee, from this net that I have cast over me. Things end, people change and I don't quite know what to say anymore. The words fall on deaf ears anyway and so I'll just keep them to myself, I'll live my own life and try hard to breathe. I know Spring will come and offer me a new life, I know it will, it has to.

This life isn't what it used to be. This apartment, this city, it doesn't fill me anymore, it doesn't bring me the peace it used to. I miss the city lights, the river, the love, the endless days. I think that I was too young when I thought this was what I wanted, I was young and hopeful and able to forgive anything. But I'm not that girl anymore, I'm not the girl you fell for, I've moved far from her into a young woman that doesn't want those things anymore. I know that this has been a long time coming but I feel it coming to an end, where city meets the world, where two roads meet, and I'm going to take one and you the other.

Remember you.

Sometimes we move on from things, though that doesn't mean we forget. There are people that we might never see again, but that we'll never stop remembering. For myself, there are many people in my life that will always be on my mind, when things will remind me of them, even though I probably won't ever see them again. There are so many times when I hear someone laugh and I remember that girl in high school that had so many battles to face, or I'll see a smile and it will forever remind me of that first best friend I had so many years ago in a desert far away.

Life moves us on our own journeys and it's sad that so many people and familiar faces are pulled away from us. It's a harsh part of this world, but a part that is necessary all the same. I have spent the better part of my life searching for the reasons why I had to leave things behind, why life moved me away from certain things and toward others. And I'm realizing day by day that that's just what we must do to move ourselves in to the next part of our lives. It's the journey we're on, and people will come and go, that's why we must trust in ourselves the most, because here and there, we will be alone, and we must be able to move on with our journey by ourselves before relying on any one else.

It's interesting because all around me, the people in my life are going through the same things. Long term relationships that are at a weird place, graduating college, moving on to find a job, Grad school, having babies, getting married, getting divorced. Out of all my friends, I would say that every life step has been completed within us in the last few years. And I sit here and think to myself that with all of this happening, that I am just part of the whole beautiful mess that we call life. I have lost my fair share of friends, had my heart broken and reconciled with those that hurt me. I have loved and wondered where it was going, I have lived with someone, gone against what my parents thought was best, and now will be graduating from college with honors. I have moved and resettled, dreamed and been dissapointed. I have watched friends make terrible mistakes and I have seen what a little encouragement can do. I have been told things that no one else knew, and I have watched friends go through abortions, marriages that would never work, families out of jobs, relationships going no where. I have seen time and time again, all of us struggling with the same things, all of us on the same journey but with different destinations.

And so, as I think about it all this morning, to all those people that have been in my life, forever remembered for special moments, for times when it was them that pulled me through, for memories that never will fade, for old pictures that will always remain in my heart. For everyone that's facing up hill battles, for everyone out there that has lost love, that has watched relationships fail, that has lost someone, that has lost faith in themselves, we are all in this together. Always remember, that I will remember you, forever.

The Chaos

In all the chaos and the long days, I was losing a little bit of who I was in the past few months. So much has happened and with everything changing so fast in front of me and with my life at a huge crossroads, I was feeling a little bit lost, a little bit overwhelmed, and a little bit pushed into a corner. And if you know me at all, I don't do well at all in a corner.

And suddenly tonight, after time to myself, after a day of ups and downs, after a long bath and cup of tea, and episode after episode of Sex and the City, I finally am feeling rejuvenated. I am finally feeling like myself again and I am finally finding out once again, what's important. Finding out again, what life is all about and how things will always work out for a reason.

Tonight after hours of silence and doing nothing for anyone other than myself, I have realized that we must, sometimes, breathe and reboot. That sometimes, what we think is all going wrong, i just what we need to realize what we really have. Sometimes, we need to find our center and just breathe and take in all there is to take in. Sometimes, life just needs to slow down for a night or two for us to understand who we are again and to move on to the chaos again.

Third Culture kids... finding "home"

I have always felt different from everyone else around me, and it's been something that I've felt since I was 12 years old, since the first day I stepped off the airplane and became American. Even though I had an American passport since I was born, my Saudi birth certificate always seemed to resonate with me more. I've been saying since I moved to the States that I never knew quite where "home" was for me. I've never known quite what to say when people ask me where I'm from, where "home" is. And the honest truth is that I still to this day don't know, still I'm unsure of what to say. What I feel in my heart is that technically, I've never really had a "home" as many Americans have, it's not the same. I've had "homes" and they have been all over.

It's interesting because for the first time I googled my situation and it turns out that psychologists even have a name for what I am: a third culture kid. There are studies and experiences and articles about kids like me, about kids that grew up somewhere abroad, about kids that never really find a "home."

For the first time in a long time, it gave me such peace to read those articles and those experiences of other like me. Growing up here in the States has brought me some rather difficult years, many in which I felt that my experiences abroad made me somewhat different than everyone else. It took me a long time to come to peace with who I was, and I think that stems from the differences, from no one understanding that while my passport says I'm American, I feel much more like the world is my home, that while I may live in the States right now, I won't be here forever.

For years now, I have been searching for a definition of who I am, for something to classify myself as, for something to show the people in my life that don't understand that there are others like me out there and that what I feel really is real. I was reading one of the articles that I found and it mentioned how third culture kids seem to click right away with others from backgrounds abroad like theirs and it suddenly hit me. In my life, I always do click right from the start with others like me, with others that have lived in another country, with others that have international backgrounds.

And this morning, as I feel like I have finally found a classification of my experiences, after years of searching and trying to explain it to others, I feel like I have suddenly found out who I am all over again. So as March approaches and my career begins, I hope to continue my journey as a third culture kid and find a new country to share my story with and new people to discover who I really am, a young woman with a Saudi birth certificate but with an American passport.

Remembered...

There are moments in our lives that teach us things. There are moments in which we must endure hurt and pain and heartache and there are moments when we must enjoy it and take it all in. Today was one of tears and a heartache deep inside that I just couldn't shake. Today was a day that I will never forget, a day in which I've never experienced loss like this. And even here tonight, I can't help but shed a few tears for a dog that has been there in my life since moving here to the States. And here tonight, so many miles away from where he passed, I still can't seem to find strength to realize that he really is gone.

I've never had to deal with loss like this, not really. I've never lost someone or something so close to me and it's something that I guess you never really understand until it happens to you, until you feel that heart-wrenching pain, until you look at old pictures and it makes you cry. I spent the last hour looking at all my old photos of our dear Mikey, photos of us all together, photos of him curled up next to his sister, photos that at the time they were taken felt like unnecessary, cute little snapshots of a moment that didn't mean much at the time. But tonight, those snapshots of moments mean the world, tonight they make me realize how precious our lives are and how much people and animals and things in our lives really do mean and how much we take for granted.

And so, tonight, please take a moment for us all, in remembrance of a great dog, of a friend and family member. Please take a moment for everyone who's ever lost someone, who's lost a pet. Take a moment and appreciate all that we have in our lives. And somewhere out there tonight, Mikey is playing in Heaven, he's looking down on us and smiling with his adorable little brown eyebrows, now and for always. Rest in peace boy, you will always be remembered and greatly missed by the family that deeply loved you.

4 years

Sometimes we aren't the people we used to be and sometimes we grow into better, stronger individuals. Sometimes the person people see on the outside isn't at all who we are in our hearts and in our minds. Sometimes we become someone different, someone that finds a moment and holds it tight, someone that loses parts of yourself but someone that also finds everything they ever wanted.

Life isn't about the moments we waste, it's about the moments we take and use and create. It's about what we find and what we chase, and who we become when the dust of childhood settles onto adulthood. It's about finding that passion in your heart, that fire that burns and that incredible movement within your soul and it's about becoming who you are, and leaving behind the parts of you that weren't so great.

We are here to live our lives, to breathe and pray and love and to find our spirits and to hold hands and to embrace. We are here to smile and to laugh, and to walk along the beach with our feet in the water. We are here to sit alone in the dark and think, to watch as our family comes together and to write. We are here to follow our dreams, to look up at the Eiffel Tower and know that someday you will be there, to look out the window and smile. We are here to live this life we have, to find our faith in whatever in whatever it may be and we are here to become the people we never used to be.

I am not the same person I was four years ago, and I don't hardly any of you are either. And in those four years, we have found a new dream, a new love, a new life. We have become those young men and women of our futures and we have found that life is more than proms and parties. It's more than varsity football games and it's more than just a pretty face. Life is a collection of moments, it's about falling in love and coming home to something. It's about having our own places and our own careers, it's about waking up and knowing that you are chasing after every dream you've ever had and knowing that no matter what happens down the road, you are a stronger, more intelligent, more beautiful person than you were four years ago when nothing else mattered.

here and there... far away

Sometimes we stand at a crossroads, a place where the tide washes against our skin but we are unsure of whether to stay on land or swim into the vast wide open sea in front of us, gesturing for us to join it. Sometimes when we get to that point in our lives, we must figure out what is most important for us, to be totally and chaotically thrown about in the sea, living a new way of life, or staying safe, on land, where we've always been. For myself, there is things about the land that I hate, things that I wish would go away, things that I don't know if I can get over, things that remind me of all the reasons why I want to leave. And looking out at the sea, as it is pulling me farther and farther in, it is so much more appealing than the safety of dry land.

I can't have the nets holding me back any longer, I can't keep fighting you from the restraints and I can't have everyone taking me for granted anymore. I need the freedom, the responsibility, the freshness of freedom. I find myself drifting farther and farther from what I used to be and I hate that... I hate who I am becoming when I go down this road. I miss the magic, the love, the freedom, the choices, the moments, the look in your eyes, the simple look that told me everything I needed to know. I miss the way we were, the moments so anxious to run home, the moments when we were the only ones in the world.

I miss it all and most of all, I miss me. I miss the way I was when I was with you and I miss the person I was, the happy and forgiving girl, the girl that thought it would all end in a fairy tale. And here I am, life has toughened me, love has bruised me, and moments have been waves crashing me into rocks. And I am different, not worse, but different, and I need that freshness of freedom to recover, to heal and to figure out if that fairy tale is still what I want. I am realizing that I may never be the person you are hoping I will be, I may never be that girl that can settle down like you want, the girl that gives up Egypt and Paris and Rome and London for you. I may never be her, I may already not be. I don't know what I will be in 5 years, or even 10, and I never thought I'd be at this point so soon, needing to run away to find something new, running away to do it on my own.

I don't know quite what got me to this point, to this crossroads where I am choosing to be alone over staying here. I'm not sure if it was me or you or us, but suddenly, I need someone to wake up and realize that I'm not here anymore and that I may never be back. I need someone to wake up and realize how much they took me for granted and how much I meant in their lives. I need someone to look out the window and wonder where I am, and maybe just think, maybe how much I meant.

All this is running to the point of being a little selfish, but I've spent my whole life following the rules and thinking of everyone else. I think that it's ok to look at the world a little selfishly, and if running away helps me change someone's life and make a difference, then maybe being selfish isn't all that bad. Maybe making someone realize how much you meant to them long after you're gone falls in to the selfish category, but then again, maybe they needed a little reminder of what they are giving up.

Lesson learned...

Sometimes we need to just run away, sometimes love ends, sometimes friends forget you, sometimes reconnecting is better than anything. Sometimes you have no idea where you're going or how you'll get there, all you know is that you will. The last six months have really opened my already open eyes. I've realized that some friends will always be there, and others won't. I've realized that some relationships aren't meant to be and others are, and that some are strong enough to withstand the chasing after dreams, and some aren't. Some insecurities will always be there, but can we handle them or do we let them eat us up? I've learned that some moments are meant to last forever, and others are meant to disappear. I've learned sometimes when your heart hurts more than you ever though it could, desperation kicks in and we make choices that change our lives. Sometimes we need to wait, let life take its course and just.... wait. We will know when that moment comes, when we've waited long enough and life is telling us to move on. We will know.

I've learned that no matter how hard you try, you can never control another person. And no matter how hard it may be, some people are never going to change, so we must pick ourselves up and let them be. I've learned that families change, parents move away, siblings grow up and that sometimes, family does hurt you, although they might not realize all the wrong they have done. I've learned that family, the people that raised you, may change, but somehow as we get older, we become more than just a daughter, we become a friend and more than just a sister, we become more, something stronger than blood. I've learned that although things happen and time changes things, we must accept it as life. I've learned that losing a pet really does shake you to your core and brings back all the memories of when we were young and life seemed endless.

I've realized that some of us need validation in commitment, others, like myself, need independence. I've learned that although many people may never understand my decisions, it doesn't really matter, because in my heart I know it's what's best for me. I've learned that some are blinded by who they love and where they live, some are ignorant of what life really is and that some don't care if they are ignorant, naive and wrong. I've learned that misconception is such a strong emotion and that people are not willing to open up their eyes and experience something different than we know.

I've learned that sometimes love dies and two people must find a new way of life. I've learned that sometimes, the choices we make in haste, come back to tear us apart and the choices that perhaps we're pushed into, can truly make or break our lives. I've learned that small towns are small towns and big cities are big cities and they do not mix. I've learned that some are meant for one and others are meant for the other. I've learned that time spent with those we love is the most important thing of all. And that at the end of the day, even if you disagree with everyone you encountered on your path, if you have one person that understands you and your choices when you go home, that's the most beautiful part of life.

Love Letter

Someday, one moment, in the next few months I will be gone. I will leave and follow my heart, wherever it may take me. And in that search, I will find what I'm looking for, a piece of me that I lost long ago, that many of you never even knew I was missing. One day soon I will be gone from lives here, and you will wake up and though you may not notice I am gone for a little while, you will when you least expect it. There will be small things that remind you of me, even though I will be millions of miles away. There will be moments when you wonder what you could have done differently to keep me, and moments when you miss the way my hair felt on your face, or the smell that PF Changs take out takes over the apartment.

There will be no bath water running or material swatches laying around. The movie shelves will be just a little bit emptier and Paris will no longer be hanging on the wall. There will be a day when you understand that this is who I am, and it's not something I can change. There will be a day when I am just an old story, that girl you dated way back when, that girl that ran away, that girl that had too many dreams to keep straight. And I'm okay with that, because I have to leave. I have to find what I'm looking for, and it's not here, not in Portland, not in our apartment, not here. I've been trying to find it for a long time and for a while, love filled the void I have, and made me forget about it for a little while. But not now, and as the moments get closer and closer to me finding a new home somewhere else, I can't help but wonder what you'll do.

Will you stay here? Move back home? Try and forget about me to move on? Or will you come after me, will you fight for me, do all you can to find me, wherever I may be? I think we all growing up hoping our lives will turn out like a fairy tale, that the perfect guy will come flying through the airport after us, that he'll fight for us to the ends of the earth, that he'll be there, to be whoever we need him to be.

I know that's not what life is, in fact, it's much crueler, but even more beautiful. I don't know what I need right now, or necessarily what I want, or who I love, or who loves me. I've been let down by friends so many countless times, and sometimes, all I really want is someone to sit down and talk to, without apprehension, without fear or guilt. You were the closest thing I ever had to that, yet you still won't let me in those walls you've built, and while I'm crumbling down around you, you keep you walls built high so no one can get in.

So in a few months, just remember that you will miss things. And even though at first it might not seem real, it will be. There are things we both need to find, and I have a feeling I might be running wild for a long time. It's part of who I am, it's inside of me to be that girl, and I need to find the things that I've been missing for so long.

*found

It takes us years to find out who we are, and years to mold ourselves into what we want to be. It's those years that create the person we are, and those years that pave the path we are to take in our lives. For some,it takes merely a short time to find out the path they want, for others, it takes quite a while, but it doesn't matter how long it takes, as long as you find the true you, and your true self. And when we find out who we are, then we can share it with someone else, and only then can we truly love someone else.

I have big dreams to follow, big things to accomplish and I won't give those up to stay here and get married and live that life, and I was lucky enough to find someone to love me for those things, to know that's never what I'll be, and to love me anyways. I was lucky enough to find someone that is willing to let me go chase my dreams, follow my heart and accomplish all those enormous things I want and still be there when I need him. And it's through him and what he'll do for me to let me chase those dreams, that makes me love him more than I already do and that makes me know that our love is real and will last.

Sometimes love doesn't last, sometimes life just happens. Sometimes moments make us realize what we have when we have it and then it's jut gone. We must figure out how strong our love for someone else really is. We must figure out what it can withstand and what it cannot, and when you can find someone that is willing to let you go to the ends of the earth to accomplish what you want to do, then you know you've found your soul mate.

...with a capital L

As we grow up, we find out that decisions are harder than we ever thought they would be, and that love is greater than we ever knew or thought possible. We find out that certain friends will fade, lovers will come and go, and heart ache will be known by us all in some form or another. We find out that simple doesn't exist in the adult world and that things are more complicated than we ever thought they could be. We find out that work is never ending and there is always more to do, that no matter how hard we work, we must always find comfort within ourselves.

But in all the pain and heartache and vulnerability, we find hope. We find truth in new beginnings and in letting old loves go. We find as we grow up that love with come and go, but Love with a capital L, will always be there. It might take us a little while to find it, and it may take years before we know it's real, but it's there, and perhaps always has been.

As we get older, Love is the one thing that will always tell us what to do next. And if our Love is strong enough so that two people may go off on their own and pursue their own dreams, then you know it's true and real and genuine. And if it comes to the point where your Love drives two people apart, well perhaps it was rushed, perhaps you both need time to grow, and perhaps letting it go for now is the best decision you could make. Love can be strong or weak, selfish or giving. It can be pure and true or dishonest and devastating.

But the best love of all, is knowing that whatever you put into it, the other person is putting the same.

Suddenly

As my dreams are fast approaching,
suddenly I need nothing else,
but you and us.

Suddenly, the moments don't make sense
without you by my side,
without you here in my life.

I've never deserved anything more than you,
and no one has ever loved me like you,
no one ever touched me so deep.

Suddenly, all the days together are not enough,
suddenly, moments away are crucially hard,
and suddenly, I am realizing how many times over I need you.

I need you now and always,
I need you in my life and by my side.
I need you more now than ever,
as I move on in this transition,
I need you to hold my heart,
and my hand.

Suddenly I am so afraid to move on without you,
in fear of losing all that I ever loved.

Coming Next

As I began writing this tonight, I had another idea in my head. I was going to write about the new year to come and our chance to make a change and to make a difference. But as I sit here, I am realizing that I have so much to say and yet, not enough time to write it all. And here tonight, there are those of us hurting, those of us fighting for that very last breath that they can muster up, fighting for the words to say what they really feel. There are those that are fighting with those they love and those that are trying with everything they have to carry on through another day.

But if we could stop for a moment and step back, take a breath and look around us at the people that love us, we would see that life is just a book. It's a collection of pages and chapters, a collection of words and letters and even if one chapter might be really hard to get through, we must know that the next one has the potential to be so much better. Chapters end, so do pages, so do sentences, and so do relationships, friendships, careers and life situations. We must look at life not as one thing, but as small chapters and eras that we must go through to get to the end. And each day, we must grow a little stronger, we must hold our head a little higher, and each day it will get a little bit easier. And before we know it, we will be on to the next chapter, turning the pages as quickly as we can because we are enjoying it so much. But we must learn to savor it, to enjoy the time we have and to enjoy the happiness we feel. We must learn to capture the moments, both good and bad, because they are what make our lives what they are. Without pain, there would be no joy in happiness, without happiness we wouldn't know the depth of pain.

So to those of us that are hurting tonight, that are thinking their life is over and that there is no chance for happiness in the future, may you know that this is just one chapter in your life book and if you just keep turning the pages, there will be a good chapter coming next.

to stay or to go....

We grow up believing that we are invincible, that nothing can touch us, that love will always be perfect, that the people we love will never give up on us. And we believe these things, until we experience something different, until reality hits home. We grow up in a bubble, in a world where love never fails, where fairy tales seem real. We grow up thinking that we'll marry the perfect guy, live the perfect life and live happily ever after.

And then something happens, that dream suddenly is gone, and it breaks us. Suddenly, we realize we were too young to make decisions, that we rushed things that might have needed more time, that we didn't do enough on our own, or that perhaps we loved someone we never should have. Suddenly everything breaks, our souls, our hearts, our lives we've been creating. We think we're so grown up, making these life long decisions, choosing our own fates and suddenly, we wish we were just kids again.

Sometimes love does falter, sometimes we love people that we aren't meant to love, sometimes we stay when we should go and sometimes, we just want that fairy tale dream even though we know now it isn't real. Sometimes love happens at the wrong time, sometimes it was never love at all. Sometimes, the light just fades so much we can't see it any longer, sometimes, we get lost ourselves and need time alone to figure it out. Sometimes we can't wait for people to change, sometimes we realize they were all we wanted.

Life isn't easy, it isn't a fairy tale, and it isn't that "playing house" we think it will be when we dive in. Life is long and rough, it's hard and sometimes, it's painful. And sometimes, we have to let go to move on. Other times, we must clinch our teeth and wait it out, to see if that person we love truly loves us back. Love is different for each person, and what it looks like on the outside, is never what it truly is.

And so, we must just all slow down. Love will never rush, so why do we? Let it be, let it go, let if show its true colors. Sometimes we have to let it go to move on, sometimes no matter how hard it is, we must find the strength on our own. Sometimes, we must wait it out, and let that other person find what they are looking for, before they can come back to you. Sometimes love is about moving on, sometimes its about bad timing. But no matter what happens between those two people, it doesn't mean they never loved. Even if you let go, it doesn't make that love you had any less real. So we must look deep inside ourselves and find what we truly need, and if letting go is the answer, than we must let go and have no regrets. But if we know we must wait, then wait a lifetime for the love you know is real.

little left to give

Sometimes I sit here and try to remember how we used to be. Sometimes I try and pretend that I'm 18 again, and sometimes I look at old pictures of us to try and feel how that used to feel. These days, I feel in stages. I feel so happy for such a time and then again and again, I end up here again, feeling lost, betrayed, disappointed and above all, so deeply hurt, over and over again. I keep trying to convince myself that we're right, that our relationship is as perfect as it seems on the outside to all those people in our lives, but then inside, my heart is breaking each and every day, with everything that I put up with, all the little things that sting over and over again.

Somewhere deep in my heart, I still believe that we are those two kids that fell in love, but somewhere deep in my mind, I don't know that we are. Every time we try again, start over, begin again, there is a new hurt, a new disappointment. Each and every time you promise me one more time, one more chance, I give up another piece of the soul I have left. And each and every time, I have little and little left to give.

Until we see it again

You know, I can see the city through the trees again for the first time since last year. There is something so beautiful about waiting for this moment, year after year, when the weather gets cold enough, when the winter begins to form, when the leaves are gone from the trees that block the view. And so finally, once again, for three or four months, I get to see the buildings downtown through the tree branches that once hindered the view. And for these three or four months, I get to be who I am so deep in my heart and looking through that window makes me calm, it soothes me deep into my skin.

Sometimes we get so caught up in what we can't see that we forget it's there at all. Sometimes, like those full trees, there are blocks in the way, things that block what we need the most, that block and keep the most important things from us. Sometimes what we're searching for, we just need to wait for a few months until the leaves fall and we can once again see what we need to, what we're meant to see, what we are supposed to see. Sometimes when the leaves come off of the trees, it clears that view that makes us whole again, sometimes when the leaves come off, we see through to that person that we haven't seen truly for a long time.

Sometimes, we just need the leaves to fall in order for our view to come back. Sometimes, we don't know what we're missing, until we see it again.

*on the other end*

There are times in our lives when we know exactly what is going to happen next. There are things that just come sequentially and there are things that just happen without us having to work to make them come. And then there are times when life suddenly puts a road block in front of us and makes us switch it up and choose a different way to go. Suddenly, I am realizing that in just a few short months I will hit one of those obstacles and I will have to stop, change my path and start over on a new road.

And I think that no matter which way we choose to go, there is one important thing to consider: we must always follow the way that we know we want, the way that we know is the best for us, the way that gets us closer to our dreams. And that road may take you away from those you love, it may take you far from where you started and it may take you away from all that you know, but it will make you grow. It will give you a step toward something more important, a step toward creating your life, a step toward following your dreams and a step toward finding out more about yourself and in yourself, more about life and love and hope.

There are moments when we will be scared, terrified actually, or what will come when we take that next step. There will be moments when nothing makes sense and tears fall for those we left behind, but there will also be satisfaction and fulfillment. There will be joy and accomplishment and dreams come true. For me, I have a feeling that I will end up somewhere far away from what I'm used to, somewhere closer to my "Paris," both figuratively and physically. For me, I just have a feeling that in just a few short months I will be leaving this city in which I became an adult, in which so many firsts took place and leaving this place and all the people in it. I just have a feeling.

And while that may not be the case, if it is, it doesn't mean that I love these people any less, it doesn't mean that I love this city any less, or that I am leaving behind my life. All it means is that there will be a time for me to grow as a person, as a designer, as an artist. It will be a time for me to find a new way, to fulfill that ever restless spirit within me and a way to find out a little bit more about the person I have become. It means that I will be that much closer to my dreams and that I will have done something that I truly want, that truly is right for me, that truly means what it should mean.

We cannot be afraid of being afraid, we cannot be afraid of being alone, because I've realized that no matter what, the people that love us will always be there, and when we are finished chasing those dreams, they will still be there with open arms waiting to hold us at the other end.

A Generation

It's interesting the world we live in and grew up in. Looking back, it's amazing how different we are than the generation before us, how much we've helped to create and how much we're creating every day. We're the generation of Sex and the City, of Myspace and Facebook when it was only available to college kids. We're the generation that remembers when IMs were this new incredible thing and when the internet came into existence. We helped to pioneer the ideas of the blog, in which I am writing this tonight, and the generation that revolutionized the use of cell phones. We are the generation that has lived through two wars that stem from the same conflicts, and that have occurred in the same region of the world. We are the generation that are moving into the work field during the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression and the generation that elected a black president. We are the generation of The OC and LOST, the generation of text messaging and facebook status. We are the generation that has seen Britney Spears rise to stardom and then fall into whatever she is now, the generation that's seen Brad and Jen break up, the generation of Titanic, remember when we all went to that movie like three times. We are the generation in which communication is rather engaged in on the computer, and the generation in which a laptop is now the norm. We are the generation in which 9/11 occurred, in which airport security tightened and in which no one writes real letters anymore.

Our generation has seen so much, has lived so much and now is contributing so much to our future and the future of this world. We are the generation of touch screens and ipods, of dvd's and built in web cams. We are the generation that came out in massive numbers to vote in the presidential election and the generation that isn't afraid to believe in what we want and step forward into the world with two feet steadily on the ground. Watch out world, our generation is one like you've never seen before. Ours in one connected internationally like never before, ours is a generation with more at our fingertips that ever before and one that isn't afraid to go beyond those boundaries of generations before us. Ours is one of peace and hope, one of voices, millions of voices that are ready to make a difference.

Choices

Here we are, a nation that has elected a president that not only is living history but that is a man that truly has our best interests at heart. And yet, in this age of history, in these moments where we are creating what happens next, we still fail to give rights to some Americans just because of their sexual orientation. Here we are, in a world that won't let two people in love marry one another because they happen to be the same gender. I guess I don't understand what's so wrong with that.

And you may answer that religion plays a part, that it's not "Christian," that God frowns on that. And I would say, what happened to the separation of church and state? What happened to American's right to the pursuit of their own happiness? I would say, why is this hurting you, what bearing do you have on the situation, and by two people that love each other creating a commitment legally, what bearing does that have on you and your life? Is it not the will of God to accept others, to accept people as they are, without judgement or discrimination?

And here in this world where we can so wonderfully look to the future, look at a man that we elected to bring us into a new era of change, that we can look to our system and have faith in it once again, can we not let same sex couples exchange vows? Can we not let them have the same freedoms as the rest of us?

I will never understand how some of us feel we have the right to take away freedoms from others just because they are different, whether they worship a different God, or they dress a different way, whether they love men or women, whether their skin is a different color than ours. I hope that someday our country moves to a place where we not only believe that racism and prejudice is behind us, but that we move to a place where no matter who you choose to love, you may be allowed to commit your life to that person and have the same freedoms that I have.

*tonight: nov. 04, 2008*

Tonight I sat awaiting results from the most important election of our time. And once the news was posted and our new president took the stage to speak to our country, it brought tears to my eyes. Tonight marked a new era, a moment in which we took control of what we have lost for so many years. Tonight marked a day in our history that will be taught in schools, that will be taught as the day that our nation changed for the better, that it took a turn in which we are in control once again of our own nation and which the future will bring bright things.

And watching our new president speak, something he said hit me really strongly. He said, "I will always be honest with on what is going on," and for the first time in so many years of hearing politicians say that, I honestly believe that with President Obama, he is sincere in saying that and that he will hold true to that and to all else he is so bravely promising. As a young adult, I have to say that I have a very different set of values than other generations seem to have, and I have grown up with a different set of priorities for myself and for our country. And it's in those priorities that I find comfort in looking to Obama as our leader, it's in those values that I know in my heart he will uphold and believe in. I know in my heart he will believe in me and my generation, that he will acknowledge our strengths and use them to the best of our advantage. I truly believe that he is the change that we need, the motivation to succeed and the leader to bring about a new America, a leader to bring about a new world.

I know that many people still object to this man, to the new president of the United States, but let me say this. He, above all people, believes in us, believes in what my generation can do and what we have the potential to change. If nothing else, believe in us. Believe in the power we have, in the thousands of minds that we can put to use, in the millions of young adults that believe in a different way of life. Believe in us. Believe in our strength and believe that we have the power once again to change the world.

Tonight, tears came to my eyes as I watched our new president speak. And those tears were not from nervousness or anxiety, they weren't from sadness or disappointment. They were from joy in the purest form, and from hope. They were for the hope of new America, the hope of a man that stands for something different, and the hope that we can really change the world.

Conquered

Sometimes life creates a moment for us, a day where you feel like you're 18 again, or a week where life seems crazier than ever, but inside all you feel is calm. Sometimes, love will do that to you, sometimes, the answers all point to something that's been there for years, but maybe you're just seeing it for the first time clearly. I've come home a million times, but I've never quite felt this, never quite felt the moments like this before and it's like, suddenly, as life gets crazier and crazier, we just get better and better. It's like we're each other's calms, it's like in what we have we can smile and laugh at what we used to be, at how simple life used to be, at how simple we used to be.

We've been through everything together, we've grown up together and become the people we are becoming with each other at our sides. We have found love in the midst of taking the world on our shoulders and discovered dreams with each other by our sides. And no matter where I go or what I do, no matter how many dreams I chase, I know that in the end, it will be you waiting for me, with that everlasting smile, with that everlasting hope in something that we found three years ago as kids. And as we have grown, so has our love, so has our hope in each other and as we've both become people we want to be, we have found more about our dreams, and found a comfort in the familiar of each other.

So here tonight, before I curl up at your side, please know my love that your everlasting hope is what keeps me alive and what keeps me believing in us, in you, in me. And we are not perfect in every single way, but our truth and faith in what we have will hold on till all our dreams have been conquered.

Move on

Sometimes all we can do to stay afloat is take that next breathe of air. Sometimes those we thought had our best interests at heart, hurt us, and sometimes in order to take that next step, we must look to what is the most challenging, yet the best for ourselves. I can't imagine living my life and already having it planned out for me. Yet some live their whole lives knowing exactly what will happen, when it will and who it will be that fits perfectly into that world. And I guess there's nothing wrong with that, until... until it starts tearing you apart, until you wake up one day and feel suffocated, reaching for that air that isn't there anymore. I guess it comes to a point, a crossroads where we must either choose that breathe of fresh air, something new and different and all on our own, or we choose to stay, in that life that will always be there, the life that never changes, the life where we always thought we'd be safe.

But in that safety, there is more heartache and it's stronger because it hits so much closer to home. That safety is dangerous, because when we get trapped in something that isn't of our own choice, or maybe it is, it creates this world in which we never experience anything else. It gets to a point where the bubble of that world can't get any bigger and if it does, it will pop and destroy everything that's been built. So we get scared, we get scared to move outside that bubble, to leave the safety net, to find out on our own what life really is. We get scared to move away, we get scared to say to goodbye to certain people that never really had our best interests at heart. We are scared to do what we want, because we're afraid of either what people will think or scared of failing at what we do. We are terrified to move on, because we're scared we won't ever find that safety again.

But we will, we will find a new kind of safety and a safer one. We will find different countries and different loves, we will find different passions and different dreams. And in these new and excitingly dangerous ideas, is freedom, is reality, is a better way.

differently

I have known two worlds my whole life,
and which one is my home, you may ask?
Which one do I love more,
which I do I connect myself to?
Which world is my own, which is who I am?

I have fought my whole life for a place far away,
for understanding of two faiths.
Would you think of me differently if I were Muslim,
if I prayed to Allah?
Would I be different if I wore the veil,
and would it change me or just how you all look at me?

I have lived my whole life with challenging ideas,
am I American or Saudi? Am I domestic or foreign,
Do I believe more in Islam or Catholicism? Do I have more faith
in my birth country, in a place where tradition tules all senses?
Or do I believe more in this country I call home now,
or is this just a stop on my journey back to where I began?

I have kept my faith in a feeling I miss,
in a world that I left long ago, but that defines all that I am.
Every day I swear I am Arab and American,
I am still walking along the Persian gulf and smelling that sweet breeze.
I am still that young girl, unsure of where to call home,
unsure of which parts of me are real.

who we are

Sometimes there are moments in our lives that we truly define ourselves, moments when you must just follow your heart, moments when you realize you aren't ashamed of people or of yourself and moments when everything falls apart but in the most beautiful way. There are moments that shatter your sense of love, your sense of self and your respect for those around you, but when the pieces can be put together, you become so much stronger, so much more ready for life.

For me, Friday was one of those moments, Friday was a day that challenged me, that pulled every tear out of my body and shattered everything I thought I believed in and was holding on to. Yet after the tears, after the thoughts, after the moments that brought me back to life, I finally realized that in these moments, we must stand up for what we believe in. It was such a defining moment, a second that I made that decision to believe in myself and no one else, to take my knowledge, my skill, my devotion and use it to the best of my ability.

It's in those decisions, those choices that take everything you have inside of you that make you a better person, a stronger individual and a more passionate human being. It's those moments when you feel like everything you've ever worked for is being burned in front of your eyes, when you stand up and take a stand and devote yourself to what you believe in, that you show who you really are.

trials.

Laying here in a beautiful hotel in Seattle, I suddenly can't sleep and I know exactly why. Yesterday, I found myself in a moment where what I believe in so strongly was shot down. And I found that I got so upset about it that I forgot to remember that it's my project, it's what I really want to do and it's what I believe in, no one else. It's something that I desperately feel is necessary and something that is crucial in our society.

I guess I've realized that I shouldn't have gotten upset, but rather pushed harder to stay with MY idea. And honestly, maybe it was good that the decision was made that way, because now I am stronger in my belief in my project and now I am ready to push everything past the limit for this project that I believe so deeply in.

It's important in life to follow your heart and maybe that means going against what people tell you is right, but if you know their wrong, I truly believe it's an obligation then to do what YOU think is right. Sometime people won't open their minds, sometimes they won't listen and sometimes, they are rushing so fast through something that there is no time to really stop and think about it, and the rushed decision becomes fact. For me, I'm not ready to give up on my idea because someone didn't have any time to stop and think about it, I'm not ready to give up on something that I truly believe in because of ignorance on any level or because no one really thought about all it could encompass. I truly believe that I can do this and that I can do it in a way no one else has, and that, is pure fact.

ever have...

In a mere moment, our lives merge or dissipate. In a mere moment, the same song can be played or a new one can be created with new chords, new notes. Sometimes I wish I would just step up to the plate and create a new song, but then again, sometimes, I just want the comfort of the old, rather than seeing all its faults. And I guess, this is just me. I am emotional and up and down, I am happy and terrified, I am restless, more than restless, I am unsettled. I haven't felt at home in three years, I haven't really felt at home since my tiny little apartment with pink walls, where it was all my own, where it wasn't just a place for living, but my own, someplace where I found ultimate peace, somewhere to escape. And in that little apartment, I found myself only to lose myself here in this place three years later. Well, I haven't really lost myself really, more like lost who I thought I was becoming.

I'm ready for jobs and careers, for traveling and responsibilities. I'm ready for the world and I'm ready to be a part of it and make a difference. I want to volunteer, communicate my ideas, and stand up for things. I want to put my ideas out there and I want to do what I love. And I worry that this same song that I've been listening to for three years, may hold me back from all those dreams, that the disappointments I feel now might stay with me forever and I don't want that. And I guess I need to make a decision, I guess I need to step up and find my own song or stay with the old one. I guess I need to decide if the old one is worth all the disappointments and the regrets. I find myself floating lately, giving up who I used to be for something that doesn't feel right. I find myself giving up so much and never having a moment to breathe alone or get a word in. I feel like all I do is the same thing over and over and I can't do it anymore, I can't stand it anymore, I'm feeling that it's not worth the words anymore.

So here I am, on the eve of my 22nd birthday, and looking around. My family is scattered around these days and the one person who I felt loved me the most can't seem to listen when I need him more than I ever have.