*Blessed*

It's interesting how things all come to play in our minds. I honestly have never been close to anyone that's died, never had a close relative die unexpectedly, never had a friend gone in an instant. THat is, until now. And as of a few weeks ago, my family was extremely complete, and though we definitely have things that create issues, we were all alive and well, happy and alive. That is until my grandma's brother died on August 19th, a day I'll always remember, because it was the morning after a whirlwind weekend for Alyssa's wedding. I'll never forget that phone call because it marked a huge transition in my life. It marked a day when forever I'll remember what it felt like to have something like that hit you, something like realizing you'll never see someone again. I remember not knowing how to feel, because although I didn't spend every day with my beloved Uncle Jerry, I definitely had a connection with him, a relationship, a bond. I was confused, unsure and lost for a while.

The reason I am writing this now and not a few weeks ago when he passed, was that on Thursday, I attended his funeral, his memorial, his remembrance. And once again it hit me so hard, harder than I expected because first off, all the memories came flooding back. And secondly, it was very hard for me to see my Grandma, to see how close she was to her big brother and how important of a person he was in her life, and to see her hurting because he would never be that big brother ever again in this life. And lastly, it truly hit me especially hard because for the first time, I realized that I may not have many years left with my grandparents, who I am extremely close with. It will be extremely hard for me losing them, harder than this of course, because it will be such a stronger bond I am leaving behind, such a stronger connection gone.

It's ironic, because my whole life I have lived with huge goodbyes. And I say this knowing that a "huge goodbye" is much larger than moving to a different house in the same city, more than saying goodbye when you leave for college. At 10 years old, I said goodbye forever to a country I loved as my own, to the only world I knew, to friends that were family that I will never see again, to a family life that I would never have again in the states. I said goodbye again at 18, again, to a family that would never be the same again, to friends, to a home, to a place. So in a way, goodbyes are not foreign to me at all, they are not unique. Goodbyes, in some respects, I have known more than lasting stability.

But saying goodbye this time, saying it so finally, so dramatically came at a high price. Death is never an easy thing for us to see in our generation, in fact, we don't know how to quite embrace it. It was very hard for me, very weird to see someone I loved gone and remembered in such a way. And at the same time, I keep thinking how much everyone in my life means to me and what death really means, something that I didn't know much of before. And it occurred to me as my grandma and I spent some time together this weekend, that we must find our strength and sometimes, to find it, we have to lose something that means the world to us. For her to find she could be this strong, for family to come together for a moment to grieve, and for family to reconnect, death was the biggest blessing we could have seen. And though we are all hurting, though we are all struggling with this, how blessed am I to have known my dear, beloved uncle Jerry? How blessed were we all.

I was reading my myspace profile tonight and for the first time in a long time I realized that I have forgotten about so many of the things that I love and that are so dear to my heart. And I've been so busy that I've let go of some of the things that make me who I am so I decided to write this list, to help me remember those things that sometimes get overlooked but that are some of those important little things that make me smile and keep me going and that make me who I am. So here it is: I am who I am and have come to believe that the smallest things in life often make us better people and create a more whole person.

1. sunsets
2. the Riverfront on a chilly day with clouds covering the city
3. rain
4. long walks
5. night minds by missy higgins
6. looking into his eyes and seeing who i am
7. a really great glass of savignon blanc
8. sweet cream with rasberries
9. pink
10. V.S.
11. getting dressed up
12. golfing at sunset
13. seeing my future with someone
14. tulips, roses, and dark chocolate
16. the number 8
17. the beach
18. SEx and the City
19. scarves
20. cupcakes
21. getting magazines in the mail
22. letting everything else go so that i can read them
23. pink burberry
24. pulling my hair back at the end of the day and taking off all my make up
25. staying in on a rainy day and watching movies
26. fitting into the city and feeling at home here
27. Paris
28. sleeping sound
29. sleeping in
30. pf changs
31. dreaming

*beloved*

Finally breathing once again, I can feel my heart flutter at the loss of a loved one, yet at the same time feel some peace as to where he is now. I can see clearly the night sky out the window of this apartment that has become my home, with the one person that has been there for me unconditionally through the trials and obstacles, through the tears and times of need. After a weekend of anxiety, tears, frustration and fatigue and the loss of a few of the friends I used to know, I came to find myself in the hour of need.

As I kept thinking in my mind, my life has changed into that of a child with all decisions made for, to the life of an adult on my own, living and breathing on my own, making the choices for myself and no one else. And in the same span of a few days I went from a wedding that has a small chance of making it, to finding out that friends aren't always the people you think they are, to the death of a family member and the reconciliation between mother and child. And through all the journies, through all the events, the losses, the gains, I am here at home finally breathing once again. I sit here, sipping my wine, looking at the boy that proves himself and his love to me over and over and the boy that I know that I could not live with out. I am looking back on what has happened and what has changed, and I can only walk away from it changed and more adult, better.

So may God watch above the man that lost his life, but gained a soul in the clouds of HEaven. May God create happiness for as long as possible for two people not ready for the sacrament of marriage and may he watch over all the people on this earth mourning my uncles death for he was a beloved and cherished man, loved and needed.

every second

This last week has been one of many revelations. It has shown me a number of things that have only made me believe deeper in all that I have going on in my life. In the past few days, I realized that I have truly found the love of my life, and he is everything that I see in my future and everything that I find myself loving. He is the other half of every piece of me and through him, everything makes sense. I've realized that while I love this town I used to call home, while the place I grew up in will always be a huge part of my life, it is not my calling for the years to come. It is a place that will always hold my heart, but a place that I will not call my own again in my life. THere is nothing wrong with other people wanting this as their home, it's just simply not for me, simply not what I want for my own life.

And I watched as people my age and older have acted like we were back in high school, creating drama, breaking up with boyfriends over stupid little dramatic things just to get attention, creating identities that are not who they are, just to fit in with the crowd. And they are living the life that I have found is not for me, living a life that I have never wanted for myself, nor will I want it, nor does it appeal to me.

This weekend has affirmed my beliefs, showed me that my instincts are right, and that all that I am, all that I stand for is truly who I am, I am not putting on a show for anyone or trying to fit in, I have found myself and I have found that when you truly become comfortable with who you are and what you believe in, that the world is at your fingertips.

I am so blessed for what I have in my life and for the people that I love so dearly. I have such big plans for my life, and lately I have realized that even though I have all these plans, the only thing that truly matters is the one boy that will always have my heart and my relationship with him. Because in the end, he is my other half and he is the reason that I wake up each morning, and breathe every breath before I sleep. He is the reason life is worth every second that it is.

In my Heart

Alone again and suddenly I realize how much I miss you. Suddenly, knowing tonight will be longer than usual, knowing that life is different somehow, makes me realize what we have. I know we are not apart in hearts, but in space, we are very far apart for a while. We are torn by commitments, keeping those regardless of how we feel. But that's the kind of people we are, and that's precisely why I love you like I do.

Tonight would be the perfect night at the river front, the perfect night for "I love you," the perfect night to fall asleep in your arms, tonight though, we are apart. So for tonight my love, keep me in your heart, as you are in mine, and once again, we will be alright.

standing up

I've been thinking a lot lately, reflecting on the past couple of months. It seems like all of a sudden I'm in a different place than a lot of my friends are, not that that's bad, but suddenly it's hitting me. I am right where I want to be, I am not really that dependent on my parents other than my rent, which any more is just a technicality and not really what I want anyways. I have found out lately, I can take care of myself, I can handle things, I can financially handle things without asking them for money, without them giving me any.

I am on my own, making my own decisions without family influence for the most part. I am living my own life, doing my own thing and I'm not ashamed of anything that I've done or do every day. I am living my life how I want to, doing it on my own, growing up and I'm better off for it. So many times we rely so much on the people that we grew up with and we rely on their decisions more than we rely on ours that our minds stay closed off to that little world, that little bubble we grew up in.

Personally, getting out of my parents house was the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting out there on my own was what I needed most, what I know now I was supposed to do and life right now couldn't be better. While I want so badly to move in here with Nick, I know that it will happen, that it will come in a few months and all will fall into place.

All I know is that so much of the time we think we are making decisions and choices on our own but in reality, all we are doing is relying on our parents more to make them for us. When we stand up to family and portray truly what we want, it gives you more character than anything else in the world. It's then that you are truly an adult.

me

I feel so much like a flower with almost all petals gone, worn down to the last layer of skin, the last piece of petal that exists on this stem of a life that I live. I feel as if, anymore, I have nothing to hold on to, as if I have nothing to guard me from what comes next. And as much I as seem to put on a brave face and go on living as I am, inside I feel so broken, so alone. It feels like I literally have a million things going on right now and every time I turn around, another person leaves me behind or hurts me, whether knowingly or not. And I can't take anymore hurt, I can't take anymore tears, I can't take anymore of this treatment, because I deserve more, I am more.

I am broken, falling, missing the petals that make me who I am. I am lost, alone and scattered. And for the first time in a long while, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't have the energy to go on like this, so I will sit idly by and hope for the storm to pass. I don't have the time or the patience to do this anymore so I'm going to figure it out on my own. Because in the end, lately, I've realized all you really can every count on is yourself.

I Can Wait

You know the past few days have been try..ng, the past few weeks actually have been incredibly emotional and all in all, the past few months have been a bit rough. But I've learned one thing through it all, I can at least bring up certain things and discuss them like an adult with the people that I care about. And while I may not understand the reasons behind the answers I get, while I may not agree with them or accept them as my own beliefs, I have to learn that what I do with my life does affect other people, regardless if I want them to or not.



The decision I was making, in the end, hurt too many people in the process and perhaps came upon that big of a choice too fast, but I found out that I had the strength and the support to show me the way I ended up choosing. For now, I will go on the way it is, for now I will be the good daughter, the good child, for now I will do as I am wanted to do, and wait, because what's another six months or a year in the span of a lifetime?



And it's a lifetime I can't wait to start living, but in the span of it all, I can wait.

deep city lights

here in the concrete town that shelters me,
here without reason,
here without answers,
I give my heart to you,
open and free and scarred.

here without question,
without a way for me to get it back,
here without friends or foes,
apart from family,
apart from soul,
here is my heart for you to keep.

here in this world that shines at night,
i am finding reasons i never knew existed,
i am finding my heart beneath the sheets that soon
may be ours, beneath the hearts that once ran wild.

here in the concrete town that gives its heart at night
to the river below, in the world that dreams create
and realities only cease,
i give my heart,
i give my hand,
i give my soul.

needs

I suddenly feel alone, all alone. My best friend is making a decision for herself this summer, a decision that is effecting me as well and without her, I feel like in a way I am being left behind, lost, abandoned. And while I know its what she thinks she needs, personally I don't think it is. And all at the same time, I need a change, I need to move on from where I am now and everything seems stale. And suddenly all I want is to leave, begin a new part of my life.

And while I sit here, I feel like everything I want right now, everything I need, will not happen to me for a long time. Why am I constantly the one that does everything right and end up getting punished in the end? How is that fair, how is that right? I want so badly to do the things that I want, to make my decisions, but in the end, I never can because too many other people tell me now, that this isn't the right time, that this is wrong.

I want someone to answer yes, to want to be with me, to want me to have what i want. I want so much from my life and I feel like right now, no one will let me make the choices I know are right... no one will let me do what I want with my life.

Believing Again

When I stopped believing you called my bluff, when I started crying to made me stop and wiped away my tears. When my heart hurt you found the only cure to the starving sensation in my heart. I needed love when I couldn't find any, just like I needed a boy when you suddenly appeared. And sitting here, looking around at the photographs of us, in this home we've created, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, I wouldn't want anyone else. I look back through the memories, back through the tough times, the best times, the days I've fallen in love with you over and over again. And as life continues to overwhelm me, it always continues to grasp me in its grip, and hold it tight.

Baby, you appeared in a time in my life when nothing made sense, when every morning I awoke to wonder who I was. And suddenly, one boy changed everything, one word, one kiss, one life, one love, you. And in just a few years of our lives, we've come to be people we live with out, we've come to be lovers living a life for each other and finding ourselves within the process. I love you more than these words can say... thanks for showing me I could believe again.

When It Rains, It Pours

They say that when it rains it pours, the problem is, I love the rain, as long as I don't have to in the middle of the storm. I like to be the one perched beside my open window, touching each drop as it falls but only for a moment. Perhaps that is the problem lately, each drop has been pouring not into my hand, but directly onto me. I have seemed to be in the middle of the enormous rain storm that has hit, alone in the middle of a desert, unsure of what to do with all the rain pouring down from the supposed Heavens above. In the past month of so it seems like it has been a constant storm, this after that, pouring down all at once barely supporting the lifeless body that captures me now. And finally, along this lonely stretch of solitude, I found my way again through love, and yet once again, hit hard with something that hits way too close to home.

And if people think I have a lot on my mind, they have no idea because there is more than anyone even knows. My mind only continues to hold onto more information and lately none of it has been good... none of it worth a second of time. News keeps piling up, things keep happening, things arriving late, hassles to take care of, fights, making up and finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, then today.

Only a few know of what is happening, only the few I trust the most... but even though I might laugh about it, I am scared inside and unsure of how to handle it. I don't know where this puts me, grand-daughter once removed or grandfather never seen again, shunned away. I am lost in my mind once again and unsure of the next route to take. I guess I've always said I loved the rain, but more than the rain itself, I guess I liked the vision of it, never hitting too close to home and now that it has, all I want are sunny skies.... but then again, is that real life? I guess not.

where?

I miss whole heartedly believing in love. I miss knowing that the butterflies will arise and I miss the smallest things that love has to offer. I miss the urge to kiss him, I miss the inconvenient dates and movie nights. I miss the awkward seating, the flare of love at the beginning. I miss those first kisses, and the first time you hold hands with someone you really know you care about. I miss getting exciting at his phone calls, and I miss the way I used to feel when I had nothing else to do but do nothing with him. I miss the sudden treats, the surprises in the rain. i miss surprises.

I miss knowing that it's real. I miss never doubting myself, and I miss the times when I didn't question everything. I miss the romance, the real romance, not the imitations we play on now. I miss the way you looked at me, i miss the way nothing seemed too important when we were together. I miss the feeling of being in love, the feeling everyone else noticed too. I miss those first I love you's, then not overused, then they were truly real and meant. I miss just laying next to you, not having to nag or ask you to put stuff away. I miss not caring about anything when I was with you. I miss the days when you actually cared to do everything before you saw me, so we'd have time together.

I miss knowing love was perfect, I miss knowing we were invincible. I miss that anxiety before seeing you and I miss the special surprises, not the ones that are now cliche, but the ones when you asked me if it was raining, when you ran all over town just to get me my orchid for my birthday. I miss the moments when all I want to do is be with you, no fights, not arguments, no hastle. I miss you being you, I miss myself being with you. I miss walking with you, and the times when you did all you should do on your own without being asked to do it. I miss never having to ask you to do anything. I miss your touch, that gentle caress that means more than me having to ask you for it. I miss those times when I was the only thing in your life that mattered, no cameras, no computers, just me.

And in the end I know we didn't mean for it all to end up like this. I know we didn't mean for all of this to go out the window, but it did. All of the special things that made us special are gone, not lost, but gone. And in the end, all I can hope for is that you'll read this tomorrow and miss them too. Because my love, where did we go wrong?

intentions

When the night wears down, the wind starts up and the darkness captures the skycraping towers that I know, I come home to this place alone and wash the city off my face. I find myself here tonight, suddenly clearing all the doubt from my mind, suddenly erasing every shred of question that I've created for myself in the past few months. And while the last few months have been such and ups and downs, I can't believe how far we've come, how much we've been through together, how much we've accomplished and hurt together. Even now, you are the one I think of when you are gone. Even now, when I am alone and calm, even now when I look at out this beautiful city we both love so much, I still hold dear in my heart how much I still feel for you. And in the past month I have questioned a lot, worn weak from all that's happened, I wasn't sure that this is truly what I wanted, that this was truly what was right for me. But I know now, this break is all I needed, this time alone, to think, to watch, to breathe. The streets are quiet and so is my heart, my thoughts quieted by the absence of the streetcar and my heart warmed by the city lights surrounding my mind.

I do know that you are the person I am meant to be with. You are the boy that I need, the boy that created who I am now. I never thought I'd be the person that needed someone to be happy with her life, but love has changed me, life has changed me in the past couple of years. And you are my future, I do know that now. I ask only one thing of you my love: please let me question things, for that is the only way I will find the answers I am looking for. Please let me let go in order for you to catch me, it's how my heart works, always has, always will.

So lately, it is in my questioning that I have learned to find more truth about my life, in my questioning that I have found more about myself and more about the life I know I am intended to live.

A Bottle of Wine and a Sad Country Song

Do you ever find yourself watching from a distance? I get lost watching you from across the room, I find my heart racing when you smile my way. You are a dream that lasts forever, you are silent black and white movie that ends happily every single time. You are the one that shows me which path is right, the one that sacrifices it all so that I may have my rain. You are my rain. You are my riverfront view and a stormy afternoon with nothing to do. You are my weekends away and my Paris. You are a fabulous glass of wine and you are the only person that has ever wanted to know this much about my soul. You are my everything.... without you at the end of the day, I am nothing but another girl at home with a bottle of wine and a sad country song.

Just for Me

There is someone waiting for me in the rain,
someone smiling as the sun passes
through my eyes,
and as the street fills up momentarily for the traffic to pass.

There is someone waiting for me to look their way,
someone waiting all day to see me for the first time,
and then whisk me away to the home we have created.

There is someone that holds my hand no matter how cold
it may be and feeds my deepest aspirations.
There is someone waiting for me in the rain,
in the damp city streets,
someone that knows the fall changes me,
that knows how much the rain cures me.

There is someone waiting for me,
just for me.

Brilliant Presents

As long as I can remember my life has been about family. Growing up I found more solice in my family than in friends. In all honesty my frienships were just kind of fronts, lots of them never amounting to anything. And when my family fell apart, when it changed from being a protection against the world, I suddenly became more aware that family isn't anything. For most, it seems like the opposite occurrs: friends are what get you through the teenage years, family is what connects you later in life. For me, I didn't really come into my own until just a couple years ago, until I was out of the house, until I was on my own in a new place with new people. And suddenly in that time I came to find that my friends are now what keep me together, my friends are what mean the most to me in the world.

I have found out that family isn't always there for you, they have their own agendas, especiallly when you are far apart in distance. And while the love never leaves, it becomes a different kind of love. It becomes a more grown up take care of yourself kind of love. And when that love becomes something other than it was in childhood, I become more and more acute of how the love I have for my friends is changing me day in and day out. And here I am, two years ahead of where I was starting out and along the way I have met some amazin people that have changed my life. I have come to depend on them, I have told them things I would never be able to tell anyone else and they are what keeps me going day after day. So here's a little shout out to each one of them: they deserve every word written about them.

Nick: After finding you, after realizing that you are my soul mate, the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with, I have to come to depend on you, to confide in you like no one else. You are first and foremost my best friend in the entire world and without you, I would be lost. You are the only person I trust without reserve, the person I know that will always be there for me, even if not in person, you will make time to support me.

Alyssa: Where do I begin? Well I guess beginning with the fact that we didn't really get along at first and then as the years went by became best of friends. I'll never forget the days of you just showing up at my house to take a nap in the afternoon, your beloved candy drawer and that senior year when we grew even closer. WE've seen each other through a lot and in the years that I've known you, you've taught me more lessons that you could ever imagine. You are the total opposite of me, but in that we learned to find a balance. You were the friend that helped me grow up, the friend that I've become so proud of and the friend that got me through the high school years. You are a friend I will never forget, a friend that will always be part of my history and present and future.

Abby: For only knowing you for a year, you are the closest friend up here that I have. I can honestly say I have never laughed as hard as I have with you and everything from our nicknames to our stupid stories, I have fun with you every single time we're together. I can tell you anything and I appreciate you so much for not judging, for listening despite your feelings on the subject. I love you like a sister and I love how I can talk to you at any time and always come out of it feeling good. You are a friend that will stand beside me at my wedding and that will never stray far from my reach.

Brittany: With all the things we've done, all the stupid games we've played, all the talks we've had, you have only become a closer friend in the last year. And I've cherished our friendship so much because you have become one of my closest friends. Who knew? Who knew this is where we would be. And B, I am so proud of who you are and I respect you so much for being the person you are, you always hold your head high and go for it, something I strive to do. I love how much closer we've gotten and I know this is a little too sentimental for you, but if you are reading it... deal with it! haha

Don: For a friend that was the first friend in Portland, thank you for accepting me as I am. I'll always remember our freshman year and I'll always remember it being as good as it was because of you. You always can make me smile, you an always make me have a good time and for that, I am so grateful I met you. I am so grateful that we became friends because without you, Portland wouldn't be the same. And even though the distance has kept us apart more this year and it will in the future, our friendship still means a lot to me and I know that you will be one of the guys standing up with me at my wedding, you will be a friend that stays with me for a long time. Thanks for the wonderfl memories and for always making me realize how wonderful life is.

As life goes on, people come and people go. But these people are the ones that will never leave my mind and will always be a brilliant presence in my life.

Morning Goodbye

Lay your head down,
sigh until there is no more breath
drawn from the lungs of life within you.

The night has drawn asleep now,
so lay down beside me and caress the night,
keep in skin deep and hold your head high.

Leave before the dawn, but return to me.
Fall asleep within my the shoulder of my mind
but do not leave without goodbye.

Do not leave

without


me.

Don't Let Go

I can't see the city anymore, but I don't need it. I can't find the lights anymore, but I don't need them to guide me. I don't have the strength anymore but I don't need it. With love here beside me, with prayers and faith in my heart, and a constant succession of harmonies in my soul, I'm okay. And for the first time in a long while, for the first time since it all, I have the strength to breathe. For the first time in a while I can honestly look out this window and feel like I am home, feel like this is where I belong, where I survive best.

And after a revelation, I only want to lay here with you. I only want to lay here beside your body and I want to know that in the morning you will be there, I want only to know that you will be there. I have no regrets, no secrets, no movements without you there. And in these twenty years there has never been someone to make me breathe like you do, never someone to take my very breathe from within my lungs. And it is you that can always see through the mess, your eyes that can always see through my soul, your eyes that see me, and only me and everything that I am.

It's how I learned to breathe. It's how I learned to walk again, how I learned to live again: through you. And inside my soul, it's you that never leaves, it's you that survives within my mind within every moment of every day. It's you that has the trust I give no one else, it's you that leaves me speechless and honest. It's only you that hears me when no words leave my lips, you that holds my hand no matter how cold it may be. I am stronger because of you, deeper because of you, better because of you.

And in all the twenty years I've lived, I never dreampt of this, I never thought it would exist. And while life only continues to swirl around us, it's only you that keeps me breathing, only you that keeps me found. You are the breathe in my own lungs, the moments and the kisses and the words and the memories that never die. You are that morning "I love you," the kiss before bed, the surprise on the streetcorner. You are diet coke in a wine glass, a 160 yard drive and a bogey on hole 3. You are lime in a diet coke, pf changs when nothing else sounds good. You are lime green and pink and black, you are "did you brush your teeth?" You are my 66 on a par 72, you are my hat turned to the side with your hand through your hair, you are an apple icard and an isight conversation. You are a townhouse in the pearl and my 72 hour weekend. You are every memory that's every meant anything at all and you are the only memories that will ever mean anything.

You are the one that Heaven gave to me, you are the one that belongs by my side, the one that I don't know who I am without. And when time runs out, when the sky turns that shade of gray, I will nothing but lay beside you and hold your hand. Because in the end, nothing else will ever matter besides us. Nothing will ever matter more than me and you. So baby, hold my hand ... and don't let go.

Tomorrow

Tonight, here alone, I am more than I have been in the past couple of days. I am myself again, I am that girl again, I am strong again. And what's left of me after the past few days, was nothing, it was deep and dead. And once again, I have found my strength. Once again, I have become the person I always knew I could be, the person I always have been.

I am me again, and that's the strongest I ever am.

Tomorrow is a big day for me, a big revelation, one that I desperatly need to find out. Tomorrow is the day when I find out what's changed, what hasn't and when everything will be alright.

Pray for me.

I will need it.

abandoned

Sometimes life hands us something and in the wake of that challenge, we find out who truly will be there for you. We find out we can't handle all that we try to, we find that in the wake of a challenge, all we have left is ourselves, however damaged that may be. And in ourselves, we find that though the appearance is the same, we are breaking down inside. Never have I felt so powerless, never have I felt so tired, physically and emotionally, becuase of the challenge ahead of me. And I am hurt, hurt becuase of being here alone, hurt because the closest person to me is not here for me, not beside me in my time of need.

I find myself so many time during the day just staring out the window, wondering why this had to happen to me, why I deserve to go through this, why he's not here? And I cant help but answer those questions thinking I've done something wrong, that it's because of me that all this is happening, that I must go through this alone.

Nothing makes sense right now, my mind is elsewhere, my heart misplaced. And inside, I feel dissheveled, broken, abandoned. I feel like the people that should know cannot because they would not understand, and the people that do know, the person that should be here beside me right now, is not becuase of his own reasons. And whatever the situation may be, I feel totally alone, so lost, and left behind, a feeling that is all too familiar to me.

There comes a time in life, that everyone must decide where they priorities lie. I guess everyone's priorities are coming out now, even though other people get left behind in the process.

breaking

Warning: if you want a happy, go lucky blog, this isn't it. And I'm not in the kind of mood to write one of those, not today anyway, not lately really at all. So much seems to be going downhill lately, so much I'm sick of dealing with. It's a never ending fight, with life, with parents, with shit in general. I am sick of doing everything I'm supposed to, and getting the raw end of the deal. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me and my successes. I'm tired of no one ever acknowledging anything I do. I'm tired of being here, doing this routine every day, never having time to relax, never having time not to worry.

I am twenty years old, not thirty. I think so much of the time, everyone seems to forget that. I am in school!!! working a minimum wage job just to be able to make it through the month!!!! god damn my parents... never do i get a pat on the back, never do i get a friendly phone call. I'm sick of being the one that does everything for them and gets nothing in return. It's not my fault they are unhappy there, it's not my fault they fucking moved, it's not my fault that their life is not perfect. Because you know what, it was perfect until he screwed it all up by moving, it was until he left me behind that year. I'm sick of dealing with their shit and taking the fall for it. I'm sick of going down there, visiting them even though it's the last thing i ever want to do. I'm sick of being held at the highest regard, they need to realize I am a twenty year old girl working and going to school, not a thirty year old off on my own with a job. ANd I'm sorry, but I am going crazy emotionally, financially, and physically because I can't handle this anymore. I can't do it all on my own. I can't handle the stress of everything they deal to me. I don't deserve this, there are plenty of other people out there that deserve this more than me. Screw them, they don't and will NEVER understand, even though she had everything handed to her. I'm sick of being the brunt of their bad days, of their torn marriage and of everything involved in the hell they are living. I'm not there, theres a reason why.

And if one more person I call a "friend" takes advantage of my grades, of my friendship, I swear I will blow up in their face. I'm sick of being the person that gets taken advantage of. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of never having a stress free day, I'm sick of never having a day to deal without any shit from anyone. I need some time to myself, some time without the looming day ahead. I have been taken advantage of, yelled at innaproprately and without reason, misunderstood and used for too long. I'm tired of being held up on this pedestal, because wake up, I've created that pedestal and I've fucking mastered it. So give me a break! Believe me, I need one more than you know.

a little bit broken

I dont know exaclty what I'm feeling right now but I know I am restless for something to change. I am on the edge of NEEDING change, needing something to look forward to, needing life to slow down and give me some time to think. I am restless here in the city that I love so very much and I am restless with the life I know now. For some reason, tonight, I want more than anything to just sit and watch the sun set on some beach or out in the country somewhere. I am restless in this routine I call my life. And while I love the routine, I just need something more right now. I look back on all the memories, on all the steps that got me here and I see so much magic, so much wonder, so many wonderful memories, I can't halp but want those to begin again.

And right now, as my mind is clouded in this restlessness I feel, all I want is to have some time somewhere new or somewhere that I feel safe. I feel so vulnerable at the moment, and in that vulnerability, I feel like I'm losing myself to something out of my control. I don't know exaclty what this is, but I know that as the rain clears, I can't help but feel a little bit lost, I can't help but feel a little bit broken. So as the rain clears and the trees start to glow in the evening light, I will sit here and stare out of the future of my life in these windows and pray that my restlessness will stop and that soon I will feel safe again.

Goals.

As I think about it, the future is wide open in front of me. I have the potential to do anything I want, to go to places I want. My life is only beginning, my ride only just begun. I have dreams, and by all means, I will accomplish them all. And lately, I have been thinking more and more about my goals.. so here they are:

1. graduate with honors
2. work for a few years here in portland in a design firm
3. get married when the time is right
4. move to london and work a design firm there
5. travel overseas
6. move back to states, maybe to some place like seattle
7. visit morocco and the south of spain
8. write a book
9. live in the pearl
10. own a design firm at some point in the future

Right...

Suddenly everything in life is fitting so nicely together. Suddenly, I am sure of everything. Suddenly I am sure of him, of our future together, of the world we will create, of what we can do together. I am sure of my career and my passion for design is winning over everything, only becoming stronger and more assured of the right choice that I made. I am sure that this is where I am supposed to be, sure of the friends I have, sure of the place I'm at, sure that I don't want to rush my future, but sure that I want to get on with my life. I am sure of the city, of the sweet breeze that flows in my window, sure of the boy sitting on my bed, sure of the keys in front of me typing, sure of the wolrd at my fingertips.

For the first time I am not questioning, I am happy, sincerely happy, no regrets, no tears. I am sure of where I am, sure of where I am going, sure of where I am supposed to be. Life is right and for the first time in forever that I have no questions running through my head. I am sure... and genuinely right.

~Sunset in their eyes.

Suddenly, I have no doubts, no aprehensions about where I am going. Suddenly, all is falling into place and everything is working how it should be. He is there for me, and I for him and together we are finding our own way. I look back on how it was last year at this time, and every chance I get, I reminisce in my mind how brilliant it is that he is here. And looking over at him now, I realized something: he stole my heart at 18, when it was shattered and splintered. He took it in his hands and put it back together, he put me back together when no one else could.

It was just two short years ago when I was confused, searching for something, desperate for someone to love me and stand up for me, not someone else's kids, not students or schools, something I had been left behind for by a father that seems to barely understand me anymore. I had lost the confidence I once had and amongst a summer of feigned loves, crushes that were merely nothing more than that, and desperation to find someone that would take care of me, I hurt some people on the way to finding my own self and finding him.

But if I could go back, I would not change a thing. He was who I was meant to find and never before has anyone loved me so much, so deeply, so well. NEver before have I made so many memories with anyone else, nor do I want to with anyone else. He is my whole heart, he is everything that love is supposed to be and I would rather fight with him than not be with him. That's what love is, being with him, seeing him look at me from across the room and knowing that without any words, he is thinking of me as I am thinking of him.

NEver before have I given myself so completely. Never before has anyone held my bare heart in their hands like he does mine. I want to experience everything with him, I want to see him at the end of the aisle as I walk toward him in that church, I want to hold his hand as we walk through the streets of Paris, I want to smile at him when I come home from a long day at work and I want to sit on our patio in the Pearl twenty years from now and still see him smile at me that way. I think that love is found when you aren't looking for it but when you need it the most. In that moment when suddenly you realize you need him, that you need the love and emotion he has to offer, to live yet you didn't see it coming. It's love when one day apart is tough, when life isn't the same without them around, without hearing their voice.

It's love when you've lived 18 years alone and suddenly, you can't imagine not having them love you. It's love when one day you are find watching the sunset alone, and the next all you want to do is watch the sunset in their eyes.

I love you and you have my heart for always.

honey bunches of oats

There are moments when I look at you and can't help but smile. There are things I wouldn't trade for anything: the nights out at pf changs, the dinners in, our shows, watching CSI on demand, falling asleep next to you, computer time to ourselves, appetizers at macaroni grill, and so many more. THere are things that make you you and I love every single one of them. We are lucky with what we have and we don't need to put a time limit on it, I am happy how we are, I am happy waiting for whatever's next because I know that with you it will always work out alright.

You are the next step in my life, you are the way I have chosen. It seems such a large decision but i've made it, I've had my doubts and gotten over them, and right now, for now on, I have no doubts about us. You are the person I get excited to come home to, the person that I can tell everything to and the person that makes me feel beautiful always. Time is going by quicker and quicker and I want to be with you as we speed through this life we live. THere are moments that have shaped me, times that have changed me and all those have happened with me. I love you more than words could ever say and I just want you to know, you are the reason I am who I am and I love that about you... I am in no rush for the next step, but I know I want it to be with you.

dreams

Here I am, in the same week that last year I had fallen apart. In the same day when all seemed lost. Last year at this time, he was gone. He had left me behind for a summer at home. And here I am now, here we are now, in our own home, in this city that taught us to grow with each other and alone. I am looking so forward to this summer, as it will be the first summer in about three years that I won't feel alone. It will be the first summer that I can remember where I will be able to do what I want and what I want is to be with him.

So thank you my love for staying. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you here. I am looking so forward to the next few months, it is a dream come true...

Serendipity: a poem

The high rise soothes the blacktop beneath
our hearts. and the south of traffic through the narrow
streets of home is what makes me breathe.

The moments in between the traffic
light and streetcar are the sounds that cool my breath.
and the sound os footsteps on broken sidewalks
and cobble stone streets is the only way home.

sometimes home is a cool breath on a summer day,
a streetcar ride down to the river,
a high rise view of the city from a new perspective,
or a long walk home when the evening is fresh.

this is where i belong,
this is where my heart is free:
where the sound of footsteps and trains run the sounds
of the street, where the buildings are higher than the light
that guides us,
where a fifteen minute walk will get you all you need,
where dinner can be on the street,
and where even in the rain,
my soul is refreshed at the beauty of the serendipitous city.

Brilliant: a tribute to time

For the first time in a long time tonight, I feel totally at peace, totally in control and at ease with how my life is going right now. I feel like nothing can take away from the peace I feel, that nothing else could make it more real. I have all of it right now, the boy, the home, the routine, the life, the school, the ideas. All of it continues to get more real as I grow and that makes it all the more exciting. If someone would have told me this is the life i would lead, that this was the boy I was going to fall for two years ago, I would not have believed it, because two years ago this may was a very dark time for me, a time of misunderstandings and of being misunderstood. It was a time that things were coming to an end, goodbyes were becoming constants and a new part of my life was beginning. Two years ago today I was scared, aprehensive, and unsure of where I was going. I was sad and in part, a large part actually, angry at the father that had been absent for a year. And here I am now, two years later, new city, new love, new passions, new schools, new home. HEre I am now, still missing the absent father that once I knew better, but anymore I am not angry, not sad, not melancholy and unsure. I am the surest I've ever been that this is what I want. I am the surest I've ever been that this is the world I want, that this is what I want my life to progress into.

It's funny how much can change in a couple of years, and when I look around, some things haven't changed at all. Yet others have changed tremendously. I can only imagine how fast the next couple of years will go by and in that time who knows how much else will have changed. All I can hope for is that it's as brilliant as the last two have been.

~Hear our Voice~

How many times in our lives are we put into situations where we have no control yet the person that does does nothing or has no idea about what's going on? How many times do people tell us we have the ability to change other's lives or our own, yet when we try to, we are pushed down because of it? I guess that's the world we live in, I guess we need all the rules, all the regulations and corporate guidelines and codes. But when do we get to the point when there is no freedom at all in choices we make, when our own judgement plays no role anymore?

Ever think about when something comes, a code or a regulation, that interferes with your personal judgement, your personal beliefs and procreations. What happens then? What happens when our dreams, our world that we live in and when our generation gives up that sense of dreaming and achieving something more in order to follow guidelines set up by a 50 year old men in some corporate office thousands of miles away with no idea of what our generation wants or needs? When do we stand up and say something, can we even do that without consequence?

In a land of freedom and oppurtunity, it sure is hard to break through the concrete wall our elders have built? IT sure is complicated to get through all the damn legal paperwork to find out you can't even do that in the first place. It seems like as our generation gets older, we just tend to pushed behind the older people in charge. But what no one will stand up and say is that perhaps we are educated and just as smart as they are, perhaps we have input that could help. Yet that is no the case. THat's not how our society is set up,, it's not how it works.

As John Mayer says, maybe we really are just "waiting on the world to change." Maybe we are really just left sitting ducks until it's our turn, but why should we suffer, why should the way of the world suffer when perhaps we have a better solution. I say to all of you, all that have the same ideas that I do, that are smarter than me, that have yet even better solutions than I do to problems we face each and every single day:

Stand up! Speak your mind, there are people that will listen. Though they may be very hard to find, they are there. Take the initiative, say something, do something, write a letter, you never know when you might be the final straw for something to change. You never know when you might be the one that changes it for good.... the final straw for change. We are the future, we are the generation of dreams, not only of dreams that are dreamt up in our minds but the generation that has the most capabilities to achieve those dreams. We are smarter, more educated, wiser and more intune with how things work than generations before us. We are technologically brilliant and mindful of situations, aware of things that those before us did not have to be.

We have the chance, stand up with me, fight with me. Together we have a voice. Let's let the world hear it.

royal flush

There are moments in my days when I look up and smile. THere are moments when the simplest things drive my sanity, when the rain starts to pour or when the sun breaks out behind a cloud. When you leave a message for me in the most genuine of tones and when the city sparkles from the window I share with the world. This week however, I had less of those moments. I did not enjoy the rain, I did not smile when the sun came out. I didn't have that innocent affection this week, I had too much time to be scared. It seemed like everything turned gray this week, you were gone, my mother once again changed from mom to distracted woman mad at the world taking it out on me, one aunt struggling with a mistake she made, another annoying me about some distant plans and telling me what my life should be like, friends that drove me to the edge. I was alone this week and for the first time in a long time, I felt so totally alone, more alone than I've ever felt since that summer I barely survived.

And in that time alone, I felt the whole world on my shoulders, I felt my whole world collapsing ontop of me. And I want you to know, you are my world, you are the reason it holds up and in no way is this your fault (I'm glad you went). I just need you to know that you are an important part of this world I'm creating for myself. ANd when you're gone, it all falls to pieces.

Why is it that when your support is gone, the whole world comes crumbling down? Why is it that when you need someone the most, when you need friends the most, they are never there?

But I did learn a lesson from this week. I did learn that life gives you challenges, that it hands you a dealt hand and asks you to play it, whether you have the cards or not. And it's when you make an amazing hand out of shitty cards that it means the most. Tomorrow it's all over, tomorrow you're back, bridges are mended, family is put on the back burner. Tomorrow I have a fresh start and tomorrow I get to start over with a new hand, a new deck, and who knows, maybe I'll have a royal flush...

*Waiting and Wishing*

My hands are typing once again, my thoughts coming onto this page. My eyes are wandering around, waiting, and wishing for something that won't come tonight. But still I know that somewhere out there, you are waiting and wishing too. Still I know that in just a few days we'll be back, we'll be better, stronger, wiser. Once again, I'm thinking of you, of us and in that bond I know we could make it forever. We can be ourselves till forever knocks on our door and we can know we're there with each other, even when we're thousands of miles away.

Here I am, sitting in a place that is not unusual to me but one thing's not here, you aren't here tonight. But baby, I'll be here waiting, wishing on stars until I get to see you again. I'm caught in something much deeper than either or us and in that, I'm caught in love with you for always.

a poem

Faces

It’s getting dark now, the sun is gone,
The trees only black silhouettes outside the window.
I am here in this place where I will be someday,
Staring out at the future that only keeps growing for me.
And to think I’ve come all this way,
I find myself panicked sometimes, forgetting all the memories
That got me here. The people and places that made me who I am
Are no longer as bright in my mind as I’d like them to be.

I have a whole life here, a life that’s all my own,
A life that only he and share. There are friends my parents have
Never met, there are places I go everyday my family has never seen.
There are things my friends know that no one else knows,
Secrets that aren’t really all that secretive.

There have been many in my life, friends, family, loves:
There has always been the closest family I’ve known,
But then there are those I have come to know more fully as well.
Then there have been friends, few that I have kept thorugh the years,
Some that I know I will always keep and those that know me better
Than almost anyone.
There are loves, passions and those that I have cared for deeply and those
That I never could come to fully care about as much as they cared for me.
I have said no to a few and yes to a few, but only one have I found love with.

Life comes and goes so quickly and we get so caught up in the moments
And things we need to do that often time goes by more quickly than
We wanted.

It’s even darker now, but suddenly I see more faces in my mind.
Faces that shaped me, that are shaping me and that keep me going.
For it is memories that are the most important, it is memories
That make us who we are.

In my Dreams

~~~for a friend I see in my dreams~~~~

Are you out there tonight,
are you lost with no one to know your name?

Is your money gone, your mother too?
I'm sorry I'm not there, I'm sorry you're not either.

When did you fall apart,
are your pockets empty and your body dead?

Is life not worth it anymore to wake up every day?
Whey couldn't you ask for help, you knew the hell you were headed for.

Are you out there tonight, it must be cold where you are.
I'm sorry your dreams fell short,
I'm sorry we all fell short when it came to you.

Are you ever going to be okay or am I
going to wake up to a phone call in the middle of the night?
"she's gone."

HOME

Moments come and go, and wow do they go by fast. But this week, I have had so many amazing moments that bringn me back to where I started. Moments of spontanaity with the boy i love more and more, moments catching up with friends, moments coming home, feeling that anxiety to be back in my routine, in this wonderful life I have going. These all have made me realize once again, that while someday I won't be here, that while someday I might be across the country or across the world making a new life for myself, right now, I have everything and more that I could ever need or want.

Flying home the other night, I realized how much this city means to me, how much my life here means to me. I have love, friends and a life I adore and a city I cherish!

You'll See

Here I am. Twenty years old and farther along than either of my aunts ever got. Here I am, more mature, more stable and more independent than either of those women have ever or will ever be. I have one aunt that is nearly 50, still drugged up on painkillers most of the time, who has married all three of her husbands to get out of her own debts, who cares more about her weight than the idea of morality. I have another aunt who until recently, I was very close to. She is a little younger, mother of one child that she has no control over. She hides in a world that she believes exists, stays close with her ex husband that cheated on her and left her, who married a new woman and has a new family and who still treats her with no respect. She lives a life financed by his money, finacned by the man that deserves no respect from her. She has no career, no way to create income, no stability in her emotional life and no stability in raising her son.

These women are supposed to be the ones that I should look up to. These are women that should have become strong, decent individuals. Yet here I am,, more mature, more stable than they are. I spent three hours on the phone with them tonight, one conversation blurred by the slurring words of one aunt high on some kind of medication. The other conversation being bitched at by another aunt that needs desperatly to learn to control her emotions and realize the life she is actually leading.

It's ironic. Most girls my age have these women they put on the heroes section of their Myspace pages. Women that they look up to, women that do things that they admire. Here are my choices: a mother who will not stand up for herself to a husband that has faded in sincerity and genuinimity, one aunt that has no means of supporting herself, a son to raise whom she has no control over and that is hiding behind a wall so large that no one could ever break it down, and another aunt that has married three men for their money and has nothing left of herself from all the plastic surgery she's had and all the disorders she's put herself through to look that way. Lucky huh:? I have amazing women in my life, the sad thing is that none of them will stand up for themselves, for who they are or for what they could be. All of them are so talented, have so much going for them, yet they are wrecked, hidden inside their own walls, draped by a curtain of shame and guilt and misguidance.

Here I am. TWenty years old and I can see it so clearly even for how young I am. I can see how life took its tole on them. I will not let it take the same tole on me. You'll see.

rant

I really don't feel good... my throat is constantly hurting more tonight and i think it's not because of the strep throat I just found out I have, it's because I'm just tired of the routine, the same old shit, the same fights, the same little things over and over again. It's like a constant pain in the back of my throat, a constant reminder of something. And I can't help but link that to the past week for me. HEre I am, almost done with this quarter that no one seems to understand how hard it was, almost time for MY break, MY time off from everything. When everyone else has time all the time to just do what they want, time to play with friends, time to watch tv and movies all day and then crunch in homework at the end of the day when all i have is that time to spend with others. I'm sick of going from school to work and then coming home to homework. I'm sick of then coming home to pick up after everyone else and then complaining and feeling like its my fault. I'm tired of feeling guilty about the time I'm away. I'm sick of no one understanding. I'm tired of being counted on for everything, by everyone! I'm tired of being the daughter that has to take her day and drive home, tired of being the friend that constantly has to answer questions for everyone else and then being taken advantage of, I'm tired of being responsible for making plans, for making dinner, for cleaning up and doing everything. I'm tired of not having any time to have any fun for myself. I'm sick of going to classes that have no point and then coming home to do homework that has no point. Taking tests that don't really need to be taken and having nothing go right. I'm sick of feeling guilty for sleeping well, thinking its my fault that others don't. I'm sorry that I ask to be picked up, that I may be two minutes late and that you might have to wait. My bad. I should always be perfect, I should always be on time, I should always get A's, I should always have a clean apartment and clean yours in my spare time. Ha, my spare time. I'm tired of spending so much god damn money, I'm sick of the routine, the time that I actually have to ask to spend with you. I'm tired of having to give attention to everyone around me, I'm sick of feeling guilty for the attention I do get. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. I do not have immunity to things like this. I am SICK, TIRED, STRESSED, ANNOYED, ON EDGE, IMPATIENT, and I don't care what any one thinks: I need someone to understand.

my one and only

Though I'm alone at the moment, I know the rest of my life I won't have to be. It is because of you that I don't have to be lonely, because of you I don't have to lose this fight we're all fighting. And I've found that someone that makes me whole. That someone that will not go a day without talking to me on the phone even if he is away. You are that person that mouths "I love you" to me from across a crowded room, that kisses me with passion every time and that covers me up before I even have to ask because you know I'll get cold. You are the one that always makes me calm down, the one that takes me to get mcflurries after work and the one that lets me have "money position" even though you don't like it. You are the one that loves taking pictures of me even when I hate it, that would drop anything you were doing to make sure i was happy. You are the one that would move around the world with me to be by my side even though you would much rather stay put in one place. You are the one that leaves me little notes to wake up to, the one that is so patient with me and that laughs at me when you think I'm cute. You are the one that never forgets to pick me up and always tells me I am beautiful even when I don't feel it at all. You are the one that holds me when I'm upset, the one that wants to introduce me to everything and the one that promises me your love every day.

You are the one I want to spend my life with, you are the one that has total faith in us, in our relationship. You are the one that makes me whole, the one that keeps me centered and grounded, the one that saves me from myself. You are the one for me, the only one. You and I were meant to be together. You are the one, the one and only and I love you more each and every day.

*dedicated to my one and only*

I don't know how you do it. I don't know how your faith does not falter, but it never does. When I'm at my darkest moments, you are the brightest of lights, and when I am in the deepest valleys, you are on the highest cliffs. Your faith in us is unfaltering and for that, I owe you my entire heart. My love, everytime you hold me in your arms, everytime you drive me to get dessert, everytime you show up at my apartment, you mean more to me. Every moment we're together or even apart, my love only grows.

Life is flying by us so quickly, and time is only getting shorter. But with you, I know it's worth it. When you smile at me from across the room, show up with flowers, apologize even when it's not your fault, kiss me at the most random of times. When you meet me with a kiss and tell me you love me, when I get mad at you and you feel so bad. All those moments mean the world to me. And all the moments we've experienced together from first moments to lasts, I wouldn't want to have experienced them with anyone else.

And love, I know I make things difficult. I know I overexaggerate and go on and on about things that don't deserve so much attention. I know I complain a lot and wish things were different, but honestly, I love you so much and I love you even more for loving me and putting up with me. Thank you baby for loving me, for being the brilliant guy you are and for treating me like you do. I can't wait till you get back, please hurry and come home. I love you.

lonely

The life I've always known has been alone, the life I grew up living was making sense of it all on my own. The majority of my childhood was spent playing alone, spending time alone, being on my own, doing things on my own. I've never needed anyone really, I've always been independent, always readily available to step up to the responsibility. But now, I am alone after two years of being with him. I can't believe I did this all last summer and I know that if I had to do it again, our relationship would suffer deeply. Maybe it's me, but I can't do it again, I can't say goodbye again, I can't go through it again. I know I'm selfish for this but honestly, being alone is not somethingg familiar to me anymore. It scares me now, it scares me not being with him. As much as I love having my time to myself, I'd rather sacrifice it all forever to be with him, for him to be with me here.

Love, I want you here, need you here. You are my whole world and when you're not here, nothing makes sense, nothing means anything. Nothing is familiar, nothing real. I am just living a shadow of my life when you are gone and although I'm selfish to want you up here all to myself, I can't help but want that. You mean everything to me and when you return, it's a new start, a new era, a new age.

Pink Polka-dots

Pink is not only a color to my eyes,
It’s warmth and love, it’s roses and polka dots,
Smiles and friends. I am not who you think
I am. I am a girl, lost and found, stressed
and calm. I am a long lost twin, an only child,
a sister to a younger brother and a lover.
I was once naïve of the world out there, the world
in which we live and grow. I am a survivor,
a solider in a growing fight of a generation
about to lead the rest. I am ambition,
resilience and strength, but soft, genuine and sincere.
I am a writer, a poet, a designer, an artist.
I am a philosopher ready to speak my mind to save
the many who are lost, unready for what I have to say.

I have loved with everything inside this flesh, lost
everything I thought I was and found that my soul
has yet to see the day when it will find something more.
I have given faith and taken it, I have found a resting
place somewhere in the middle and moved on from the world
I was once a part of, the world that bore me and that then threw
me away. I am nothing more or less than you,
but I do have dreams, passions, prayers, and a signature
that will someday be worth something to someone.

Pink is not only a color to my eyes,
It is my flesh, my eyes, my skin, my soul.
I have been no where and there and everywhere
in between. I am fighting my fight, finding my faith,
and finishing what began twenty years ago.

turning to spring

It's amazing how two days of spring can change your outlook on life. For the past two days, the sun has shown, the wind has been warm and my soul has been finally at peace. Without a lot of work, without a lot of stress, life is beautiful. And here we are... in this together, in this life together, for good or bad, we're in it togetherand that's all that genuinely matters.

I can't imagine having to say goodbye again, for that amount of time. I can't imagine going through it again, but I don't have to. You're going to be here, you're going to stay with me. You're going to give it all up for me. Thankk you. I can't wait for the spring to start, for the sun to shine and for the world to spin slowly again. So here we are... waiting for the world to change as spring starts and our world begins.

in my own time~

Insecurity is a large, overwhelming word in itself, not even mentioning the feeling it portrays. And at this age, when I am not a little girl anymore, but not really a woman yet, it's hard to accept who I am, how I look and the reasons why some things happen and some things don't. Like most girls my age, and ages younger and older, insecurities are something that are a constant factor in every day life. And for the first time in my life, I am making this known to all that are close to me, for the first time in my life I feel like I can tell people that I have insecurities just like everybody else. There are things I hate about myself, parts of my body I am uncomfortable with and parts of my life that I feel insecure about.

Those things are a part of me, they always will be, I just have to learn to deal with them, which is perhaps the hardest part. I think much of the time, like everyone says, that people don't even notice the little things I do or react to them the way I do. But that doesn't matter, I still see them, I still feel them, I still have to deal with them. WHen they say, don't worry about it, it only makes it worse because then I do worry about it. Then I do focus on it when I see myeslf in the mirror or worry about what other people think. It's something that I have to work on, something I need to do on my own. You have to realize that every time you turn me down, every time you make a joke about how I look, everytime you say something I take it personally, I take it to heart, I take it as you noticing a flaw. And the thing is, I have to get over it, I have to deal with it, but I have to do it on my own, and without anyone's help. But you have to realize, I will always have some aspect of it, I will always hate part of myself, or be worried about if other people are noticing it too.

Insecurity is part of me, part of life... i just have to deal with it in my own way, in my own time...

Sanity

Tonight, there is hope for the lost,
sincerity for the unkind-hearted,
shelter for all those without.
Tonight, there is a moment for the restless,
a star through the clouds,
a drink for the thirsty and food for all that hunger.

Tonight there is hope,
tonight there is a moment to simply sit and relax,
to find peace again after the storm has blown through.
Tonight, I am me again,
i have hope again,
I am sane again.

overwhelmed and scared~ welcome to my moment

We go through life just hoping to make it to the next milestone. Hoping that our weddings will truly last forever, hoping that the person we fall in love with at 19 is the person that will make us smile for the rest of our lives. We meet people and then lose them, we lose people to death and to distance and tears, so many tears will fall from our eyes as we go through our lives. Even here and now, tears fall from my own eyes, not quite sure what mourning they are taking but sure enough that it all means something. We get in routines, in ruts, in times when tears are all we have. And we have to let them fall... tear drop stained pages of our lives are what will make the most impact in the time we have here.

I am the lucky one, I am the one that truly has nothing to complain about, though I've had my fair share of tears. I've never lost someone to death that I'm extremely close to, never watched someone leave our realm. I know of those that have lost brothers to accidents, boyfriends to stupidity, girlfriends to something totally out of our control, mothers and fathers to sickness, friends to drugs, alcohol and so much more. And I can't imagine the hurt it would cause me, the pain that I would endure by losing someone close to me. I don't think I would make it through the same as I am, I don't think I could handle that. And every day that something reminded you of them would kill you all over again. I honestly don't think I would recover, I don't think my eyes would be able to even cry anymore, for even that emotion would be too overwhelming to me.

And then we come to talk of the end. The end of life, the end of a love, the end of an era. Tonight, something ended, something that had a great deal of meaning to me. Something that has many memories rooted in my past, friends I've lost both to distance, contact, and to greater things like drugs and lives that are rocking on the edge. Tonight, it is not just a tv show that is gone, tonight it's an era that is gone forever. Tonight, something that I remember growing up to is gone, something that I could relate to, something that so many of us could relate to is gone. It's almost as if I lost a friend tonight,

But then again, life goes on. Sometimes we find that the ending is also a new beginning... sometimes that boy we fall in love with at 19 really is the one we will want to spend the rest of our lives with. Somtimes the people we lost become more a part of us than those that are around us. Sometimes all we need is to cry a little, give a little and then move on. Sometimes life gets too overwhelming and there's no one to hear our cries for help. Sometimes we need to just breathe, slow down and stop for a moment. And as a very smart character named Carrie once said," I've done the merri go round, I've done the revolving door, I've finally found someone I want to stand still with. Will you stand still with me for a moment?" So here I am, asking the same question,

"Will you keep me as I am, hold me tight when I cry, and love me no matter what? Will you take a moment to stand still with me and hear my cries?"

I love you... and I hope you can always love me too.

just remember....

Sometimes life can get a little overwhelming. Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and behind in our lives, let chaos overtake us instead of enjoying the moments. So here's a few little reminders of amazing things we encounter every day:

.there is nothing more beautiful than the first sign of spring
.a giggle with a friend can mean more than anything else
.you have to realize, this is just the beginning of another day
.you have that choice to take every chance or let it pass you by
.there is always tomorrow
.having someone to love is the best feeling in the world, thank them for loving you when you get a chance and appreciate them for who they are and what they do
.a weekend with a parent, brother or sister, family member that you haven't seen in a while will mean the world to them just to spend time with you
.remember, someone always has it worse
.and someone will always have it better
.there is no need to know everything that happens behind closed doors, let it be and move on
.learn everything you can, life is one huge classroom with teachers coming in and going
.what you have, be thankful for it
.sometimes all you need to do to relax and slow down, is to read your favorite poem or quote and remember, those people had it tough too
.remember that this is the not the end, but while we're here, we might as well make it worth while
.sometimes, one song can make your day special
.life is so short, don't rush it along, as much as we'd all like to
.spend your money on things you want, but don't go overboard, keep yourself grounded
.spend a night with girlfriends, wine and sex and the city and you'll realize how lucky you are to have friends that make each day special
.take a break from school or work one day, and do something you want to do
.when you are someplace you will never be again, take a mental picture and go there in your head every few weeks when you're stressed
.keep dreams going throughout your life, even if you might never achieve them
.don't be afraid to love someone that might not love you back, remember: they are the ones missing out
.get excited about small things, you'll be happier in the end
.try to overcome issues about your body, someday you'll look back and think, "damn, i looked good."
.remember that intelligence is something that no one can ever take away from you, embrace it and use your brain
.when you find someone in your life that you love, don't let them get away
.there is nothing better in the world than having friends that know everything about you and that love you anyways
.there is nothing wrong with being a little immature sometimes, but sometimes, is the key word
.when someone asks you to dance, take the offer
.if the oppurtunity arises for you to accomplish your dreams, take it with outstretched arms
.keep your morals in mind, but don't let them overcompensate
.find something you believe in, whether it be faith, religion, love or anything else, and hold on to, it will never let you down
.when someone needs help, help them... sometimes just a smile will help someone in ways you didn't even know possible
.tears are the way God made to have our emotions shut off and reboot... cry! it might ruin your makeup, but it will cleanse the soul
.laugh!
.remember the past is the past, you are the way you are because of it, but it has nothing to do with where you are now or are going
.chocolate can cure anything, from emotional break downs to a day gone all wrong
.do the best you can on everything, you never know when it might be your oppurtunity for something else
.love with all you have, laugh every day and smile becasue today is a miracle and it's worth it...

Together~~~~

Here I am, the same feeling I always get when I'm here: alone, worthless, a ghost in their new lives. I am home this weekend, well home meaning in my parents new house in their new life, with nothing of mine except the few belongings I brought with me. And all I can think about is how I want to be at home, how I wish I were with him, laying beside him, watching our show together and cuddling underneath the abundance of blankets. I miss him. More than anything.

Here I am again, feeling nothing familiar, in a cold house, with a distant mother, father and brother, in a life I never knew surrounded by people and places I never knew but must endure anyway. I miss the familiarity of him, I miss the long evenings doing nothing, the days when we could run errands and be together. I miss you my love... more each and every minute that passes. You have been on my mind and on my lips all night, speaking of you, thinking of you. I should feel secure at home, yet all I feel when I am here is a need to be with you, a need to be back at my home, at our home, together and a need to feel safe in your arms, warm in your embrace, and needed in our life together.

why them?

It seems that lately in life there are things happening all around me. And lately especially, those things are making me wonder when I'll be able to have that, when my life will be able to be like that. My closest friends are one by one moving on, making futures themselves, they are getting married, having kids, moving in with their significant others. They are making choices that I wish I could be making. And while I know that I am in no way ready to get married, I am ready for that next level of commitment. I am ready to do it on my own and to make decisions together, to become more a part of each other's individual lives. I wish so badly that I could, everyday I wish that I could find a way around it, that my parents wouldn't be so against it, so neglecting of it.

My whole life I've done what's expected, I've followed the rules, I've done everything right, gotten good grades, made good decisions and did things to the best that I could, so why is it now they don't trust my decisions? Why is it now they put the foot down, now that they decide I can't do that or they shut me off? It seems ironic, for after all, why did I do it all those years to please them if it has no pay off in the end?

I feel so much like those friends are passing me by, that they are getting to experience things I might never experience or that might be a long time until I get them. And I could not be happier for them, I couldn't express my enjoyment more in hearing their stories, how life is for them. But somewhere still, in the back of my mind, I feel like I might miss out. I feel like I am missing out, like they are moving on quicker, better. I know I'm young, I knkow I have a lot of growing left to do, but why them and not me?

How long do you go following everyone else's rules? How long do you go without following your heart, without jumping at every chance you get. How long does life go on like this, living pay check to pay check, never being able to jump on a plane and wake up in a new city, a new country, a new continent. Why can't life be a series of chances? Why can't we jump at all of them? We can't because too many people in our lives are telling us no and laughing at our ambitions.

I for one will say right here and now that I will move around the world, I will live in Paris, I will live and work oversseas for a number of years, I will return to the states and accomplish every dream I've ever had. I swear it to myself, to all those that doubt me. My dreams are what defines me, my ambition what pushes me. Someday I will look back on this piece and I will smile, knowing that my ambitions were challenged, my goals reached,, my dreams achieved. Hopefully all those that I love so much will support the dreams I've always had, hopefully they will be there by my side, supporting all the choices I make, however rash they might seem.

Life is too short to waste it on ignorance or on not going after what you want. I will go after all that I want, I will achieve all the goals I have set. Just wait and see.... all those that have given into a life of ordinary days, all those that have given into all that they never wanted, you deserve more... take a chance!

Life Lessons

The way the bubbles peak upon the water in the bathtub.
The way you smile when you're sad.
My pink blanket.
Golfing at sunset.
Curling up when it's raining outside.
Laughing with friends you feel you've known all your life.
Calling someone your best friend even when you only see them once a year.
Relating to someone you'll probably never hang out with.
Sharing secrets with an aunt.
The way my pink walls look from the street.
Doing something you're not supposed to.
Lying to your parents even though what you're doing isn't really wrong.
A phone call with my Grandma.
The way you pay so much attention to what you write.
The way I can feel my life changing, moving on.
That feeling I'll never forget, that feeling of resentment towards my father I used to have and that I'll always feel a bit of.
The dream that wakes you up and makes you wonder why you had it.
The friend that's lost in a world of drugs and sex that you cannot get her out of.
The way the candles burn until they burn out.
A TV show that brings you into its world.
Saying something I shoudln't to someone I shouldn't.
A much needed vacation when you're at your breaking point.
The Eiffel Tower in the next room, knowing I'll return there someday.
The thought of packing everything up and flying somewhere exotic.
Knowing that at the end of the day, I'll always have you to come home to.
The way we like all the same things and hate all the same things.
The sound of the wind against the window.
Being so cold is hurts but knowing there's a warm blanket for me at home.
Managing to always lose one glove.
The way life works out when you least expect to.
The moments when you think everything is lost and two seconds later, everything is found.

i love you because....

I don't know why I doubted you. I don't know why I doubted us. Somewhere in my mind I guess I didn't realize what I had, I guess I was scared of who I would become, of what I would become. I guess life got in the way of me and you. I guess I was wrong, no. I KNOW I was wrong. Life came at me from all directions these past few months and time went by that I struggled with all that I had to do but it was always you that I came back to, always you that I could call, always you that would hold me when the times got tough. I think our love grew through the rough patches, through the moments when I broke down and you fixed me back up, patched up the areas that left scars and held my hand as I moved on. I'm going to take this from you: but somwhere inside I really do feel like I've always loved you, like you've always been with me,, like you've always known me like you know me now.

I don't want life to get hectic and sweep us away from the world we've created. I don't want life to take away from what we have and I know it won't. With you, I'd go through anything because I know you'd be there for me at the other end. Please know that no matter how chaotic life gets, how emotionally broken I become, I will never stop loving you. You are the other part of my heart and the air that I breath.

My heart still flutters when you walk through that door, still smiles when I hear your voice and when you hold my hand, everything bad in the world goes away. Thank you for listening, for doing as i ask and for going along on my crazy tangents and emotional breakdowns. You are the strongest person I know and you are never to fragile for me, no matter how hurt you are inside. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You complete me, you are me, and I you. I love you more than words can say.

you truly are ..... brilliant.

"Amazing"

There are moments when all your hope is lost. Moments when suddenly nothing makes sense, brief moments that perhaps linger a bit too long on the mind and too much is read into them. I have these moments, I do. But then, just as I think everything is falling apart you come through and amaze me once again. You are the rock I hold onto as the storm billows through, you are the reason I keep walking everyday on through my life and through the world. You are the one who will hold my hand even when I'm furious at you, you are the one that makes me smile even when you're dying inside. You are the one that changed me beyond all that I thought possible.

I love you. I always will. And I'm sorry for doubting you, for doubting us. But that's just me, that's just how my mind works, I question things all the time. But you are the reason that I know this is real, the reason I know that life is supposed to happen like this. You are my reason for life and for love. Thank you. I love you beyond anything I ever thought was possible to love this much, I love you more than I ever knew I could.

thank you.
you are amazing.

Test

This is a test. Something to see if the words are real to you. An ode to someone, to someone that I love very much. I love the way you caress my hair when we're laying watching TV, the way you look when you're so tired you can barely keep your eyes open. I love the way you get so excited about making me dinner and the way you always make sure I'm warm and covered with a million blankets. I love the small random im's when I don't expect it and I love how you'd drive downtown to pick me up at 2 am from work. I love the way you look when you're really concentrating on something and the expression you get on your face right when you're about to sneeze. I love when you just come up and do the dishes without having me ask and how you light candles and draw me a bath when you really know I need it. I love how you make me do things even when I say I don't want to but secretly really do and I love how you know everything about me, and how you'll lay with me and just relax whenever I ask to.

I do miss the way we used to be too though. I do miss how you used to leave stuff at my place and call it your home. I miss the icards in the morning or the random notes next to the bed. I do miss the random trips to the riverfront in the middle of the afternoon and the way it used to be when I didn't have to fight about the petty things. I miss how you used to come in a kiss me and ask me how my day went or how you used to show up and surprise me with frosties. I miss the surprises and the subtle gestures. I miss the gin games and being all you cared about. I miss the carefree days and the days when we'd be happy just to be together. I miss so much about how it used to be...

so I guess love moves on from the small subtle gestures in the beginning months, but why does it all have to be lost? I love you so very much, where did all of the romantic gestures go?

plans

I never expected to be here. I never thought my life would be at this point, at this juncture, this moment in time. My whole life I believed that I was going to be that independent single woman, the one with the fancy apartment and the amazing job. I always thought I'd get married, but not this soon in my life, not like I see it happening now. I've never been the girl that fails, the one that acknowledges her fears. I've always gone with the flow, taken the path and seen where it leads me.

But here lies the confession: I am scared. I am scared that life came at me from all angles and that it's too soon. I'm scared that I'm losing that independence I always admired in myself. I'm afriad that what I want to do in my life,what I've always dreamed of doing and all that I had planned will not happen, I'm afriad that what I want will all be washed away in the scope of things. My fears are real and I am confessing to all that will listen. Life seems right at my doorstep, right in front of a girl still trying to accept all that's been dealt to her.

I will say this: I am so deep in love that it scares me sometime, it scares me that it came so fast, it scares me that life moves so quickly. It scares me that love is so fragile, so hard. I want nothing more for my life to begin, but at the same time, it scares me to death to be at that stage.

Storm

Secret storms come over my bones
just to break them by wind and ice.
The swells break upon my skin like tiny
pixels of sand upon a shore, spread as far
as the eye can see. My skin melts at the forceful
heat of the swell, at the rush of water against force
inside of earth and pixelated dirt.

There are moments when all the debris
seems to drown me in my own heap of life.
The days pass on as more swells come
crashing down upon my stolen heart,
my swolen soul and my sweltering heap of a life.
At times, life is too much to bear, too much
to hold upon my tiny shoulders that bear too many
scars already. The storms of youth are still
present among the days I live.

Why is it so heavy, so deep, so tragic, dramatic?
Life was not meant to be Hell,
yet so many days, the fires burn so brightly in my mind
that it seems my days are that of Hell,
bright,
dying,
warm,
and finally,
dead.

home

There will be always something that captures me about the place I grew up. Well one of the places, the accessible place that I grew up. There will always be a memory there that I cannot capture anywhere else in the world. And while, I have a very large part of my history there, I don't want to live there, partially because I want my future to be written in new and unimaginable worlds. But having that place there and knowing that it will always be there for me to have, is a comfort in some way. Having that place in my memories, having that place mean so much to me, makes it all the more special to visit, to spend some down time and to retreat to in times of chaos.

Perhaps that's why it's so fitting that he is from there. Perhaps that's why it's so perfect that we are together, because those things mean the same to both of us. A home that we'll always have, in one way or another, a home that means the most to both of us. The things is though, this city is our home, all to ourselves, but the momories we have of our old home will never be forgotten. Life throws things at us each and every day so it's nice I have him and our memories to hold onto while we're in the whirlwind of the present day happenings in this city we call our home.

The Moment between Bliss and Existance

The city blinds me tonight,
the lights shining from all sides
around me,
every angle proves to be symmetrical,
perfect.

The city makes me smile tonight,
the moment in between bliss and existance,
so happy I could float up on the night clouds
above the steel bridge at midnight,
sitting atop the tower watching all go by.

And then you come along,
walking in from light,
out from bliss.
You are all that makes me whole,
and our city is truly brilliant,
truly whole,
truly right.

It's ours,
like nothing
else ever has been.

You

and

Me.

Here in this concrete town we both love.

Safe

You never doubt the rain,
never doubt when it will come,
when it will go.

You always know when I'll be ok,
when I won't, when I never will be again.

You have my strength,
I gave you that, the moment we met,
because I knew that
my doubts would haunt me,
so I gave my faith to you,
to keep me save.

And so you have so brilliantly.

And so
you
have kept me safe.

rubbage

The leaves have turned to dust. I guesss I have as well. Moments last too long on the golden highway home, and love hurts as its scent lingers in the air. The love that should be in my arms, should be in my soul and my fingertips. The leaves are gone now, washed away with the golden blackened rain and the skies are constantly moving in and out. I suppose my life is like those leaves, once golden, full, brooding toward the home I loved. Anymore, I am not golden leaves, but washed aside roads as the winter comes into salvage what's left of the rain. One moment I was there, silent, golden inside that home that held me close. Now they find me as the dusty rubbage tossed to the side of the road, not worth the time spent to clean them up.

morning

As I turn your face is there,
your eyes are deep and enduring,
like tornados right there on my sheets.
Your hue is almost comforting, just a little more
and you'd be tan.
You're head asleep on the pink makes me safe,
makes me sane.
Waking up, seeing you and curling into your arms
is the safest place I've ever been.

As I turn your face is always there,
next to me as always and comforting as always.
Thank you for loving me,
I never thought I'd be loved like that.

needy

if you know my whole heart,
love me with all you have,
then why aren't you here?

dont you know all i want is to be loved
dont you know that all i need is for you to stand on the corner
in the pouring rain and say you love me,
no more excuses,
no more words of trying or changing,
just heart felt love,
just a moment between you and me,
just one second standing in the pouring rain kissing me.

but i'll never have that,
obviously that must be too hard for someone to do.

why aren't you here,
at the time i honestly really need your love?

Two Loves

I have two boys in my life that mean everything to me. Two that are the closest things to my heart, and two that I would do absolutley anything for. One of them is two hours away from me tonight, one is right here next to me on the couch. Though the guess of who is who is the opposite of what you're probably thinkin right now.

The love of my life, the boy I see myself with years from now, the one who knows more about me than anyone I've ever met. The boy that loves me unconditionally and would give anything to make me happy, the boy I love with everything I have and that I miss everyday when I'm away from him, he is two hours away from me tonight.

But for one reason only: the other boy in my life, my little brother, needs me more tonight. I've never seen him like this, and I know inside his heart is just breaking. I know that inside his soul is dying, slowly as his foot hurts more and more. He is my priority right now... he is healing.

There are two boys that I would do anything for in my life. Two boys that, without them, I would never be the same. To my love, you are the reason I wake up each morning, the reason I go through the days to see you at the end of them. You are the reason I smile and the reason that I live. You are truly a dream come true and I couldn't ask for anything more. To my brother, you will get better I promise. You will make it through this, you will succeed and be back out there in a year from now. You will do it, I know your strength, I know your courage. You have it in you, it might just take some time.

To both of you: I love you both to the very depths of my soul.

not my own

It's this time of year that it hits me harder than any other. It's now when I remember how it used to be, when it seems like it was a million years ago. It's now that I find myself wishing I had a childhood again, wishing what happened, never would have. It was that year that my life changed, that year that the family I'd always known and loved changed, forever. I wish I would have fought it harder, I wish I would have told him the hurt he caused me face to face. I wish I would have let him see what he was doing, because caught up in the moment, he had no idea what he was doing to us, to me. His only daughter, his eldest child lost her childhood that year. It was in that one decision, that the family that had always been so close, seperated so far away, never put back together again.

And while it's how many years ago now, this time of year, I want the family I always had. I want the family that I grew up with, (they're so so different now). Nothing is ever the same as you grow up, but at least most get to go home to where they grew up for the holidays, see their families where nothing has changed, see their friends. I go home to nothing but a foreign house in a strange city to a family that is not my own anymore.