A lot has changed... but I'm still here

A lot has changed in 5 years since I first wrote in this blog about who I was, what I wanted to be and where I was going. 5 years ago, I was just beginning my journey. I was young, naive, and unsure of where I was going. And here I am, I'm still here and I'm a little different, a little older and little wiser. Here is who I am; a lot has changed, but I'm still here, I'm still here.

So updated from the original: http://cmartpage.blogspot.com/2005/09/take-me-or-leave-me-part-1.html

Take me or leave me part 3... 2010:

1. I have found that my understanding of faith has changed, and sometimes sitting through mass is the only thing in my life that can sooth me.
2. I still need to be alone sometimes, I still need my space and I still need time to just be by myself.
3. I still love writing more than perhaps anything else, but I don't have as much time for it as I used to.
4. I don't need to live on diet coke anymore and I'm trying to kick the habit, at least cut back.
5. I found a love for Sex and the City... and whenever I need a little pick-me-up or a smile, that's where I go
6. I still love sunsets
7. I am extremely impatient, but I'm learning every day how to deal with that
8. Music still very much soothes me, all different kinds
9. I love to read when I have time, I wish I had more time to do it
10. I don't shop so much anymore, but every once in a while I will take a few hours to do it. I'm more into buying pieces that are classic, that last and that go with everything.
11. I have pretended to be things I'm not to please other people.
12. I have done things I wish I hadn't, but I've learned from all of those mistakes
13. There are memories that I find myself forgetting about, like dancing on a rooftop with a boy I barely knew.
14. I have seen more fabulous places around the world in the last 5 years, many of which I never thought I would.
15. I still consider my birthplace and childhood home in the Middle East a part of me, but it's a little less of a part of me than it used to be.
16. I can still count to 10 in Arabic, and also in French and Spanish. And I can say hello and thank you in Korean.
17. I still need to fall asleep to the TV or a movie
18. Black is no longer my favorite color, I'd have to say my favorite is pink now.
19. I still keep my nails always painted and the color will still tell you a lot about my mood.
20. I am still totally addicted to mentholatum, but not altoids anymore.
21. Little kids still drive me crazy... though I have warmed to a few in particular. Like my little nephew Preston :)
22. I don't want kids, I have come to that realization and I'm okay with it, and I'm more aware of how that comes across to people. But I think it's an important choice for everyone to make and it shouldn't be something you just do because you think you should.
23. I am much more confident in myself, in who I am and in what I can do. I'm not afraid to run with the men and to shine through.
24. I still love reading magazines, it's kind of an escape for me.
25. My aunt is no longer in my life and has hurt many people that I love very much in that process. And I have found that I no longer need her to go to when I need someone to listen.
25. I am still always cold, and increasingly so over the years. I think I have bad circulation.
26. I am constantly trying to be more open minded.
27. I miss my convertible very much.
28. I don't like talking on the phone unless it's with my grandma or my mom or Nick.
29. When I'm not talking, I'm constantly thinking.
30. I am getting married in the fall to someone that I can talk to, someone I can tell anything to, someone that loves me unconditionally and laughs with me
31. I still would do anything for my brother.
32. I'm always in the middle of everything, no matter what it is.
33. I'm really into gray right now... hence the new gray walls and gray windows and gray wedding theme.
34. When I'm really angry I will keep it to myself, most of the time
35. I'm afriad of being hurt or abandoned
36. I am not so afraid of goodbyes anymore, but I am beginning to crave change at certain points and then goodbyes become necessary.
37. I don't feel like I missed out on anything growing up. There is nothing that I didn't do that I wish I would have done. I feel like I lived the last 5 years to the fullest and I got to do everything I wanted to do.
38. I have reconciled with my father, and we are the closest now that we have ever been.
39. I am still very close with my grandma, but I have seen a new side of her as I have become an adult and it's a different relationship now than it was.
40. I still have multiple bedrooms, multiple apartments, but only one home.
41. I have come back to drinking coffee, though not as much as I used to. But a few times a week, a caramel machiato tastes amazing.
42. I could site and write for hours if I had the time.
43. I only like dark chocolate.
44. My hair constantly is still changing colors; it's my way of making a change without being drastic.
45. I went from everyone thinking I was older than I was, to now people thinking I'm in college still. I guess I'm just going to go with it.
46. I miss running.
47. I love talking to my mom and I'm so happy that she is so happy right now.
48. I have a lot of ambitions and those have changed a lot over the years.
49. I love learning about history, and I wish I could just learn everything.
50. I love languages, and in the next few years, I'd love to brush up on my spanish, learn French and perhaps Arabic.
51. I still love my Keds.
52. Rasberries are still one of my favorites.
53. I don't always wear jewelry anymore, just my ring.
54. I couldn't live without my iPod or my iPhone or my Macbook - Aurora, Seraphina and Pink and soon to add to the bunch are going to be Fiona and Bella (iMac and iPad)
55. I love the city and I couldn't ever go back to living in a smaller place. I have fallen in love with Portland all over again.
56. I love old houses, but I don't ever want one.
57. I like to cook but life is so hectic that most of the time I like going out to eat more.
58. I love my height and I wouldn't change it even if I could.
59. I still have a thing for Kobe... hence my love of the number 8.
60. I have found someone that knows everything about me and love me anyway.

Even though I'm still a lot the same, I have grown up a lot and I have added to who I used to be. Stay tuned for the update on Part 2...

Make the Most

I often wonder why I do all of this, and why I go through life like I do. What if tomorrow I was different, what if I decided to change paths? What would happen to this life if I was just gone tomorrow, in another time, another place? Would it change where I am now, would it change who I am, would it change those that I love and those that love me?

I am being pulled in so many directions right now, that often times I just wonder why I go through it all. I just want to come home at the end of the day, feel like I accomplished something and sit down at my table, looking out the window and write. I miss that. I miss the solitude. I miss the quiet. I miss the words, the writing.

Words have always been a way for me to get through the next moment in time, always a way to find peace. I haven't found much peach lately and I'm being pulled down by everything around me. I haven't had a moment in so long that I felt like was my own, that I could just sit and write, that I had nothing else pressing, nothing else that needed to be done. And I need that now, I need the quiet, the motion-less moments, with absolutely nothing but words, and thoughts and prayers and the sound of my breath.

I often wonder why I don't just give up what isn't important, Why I go through it all and get so weighted down. And I think I do it because it's who I am. But I still wonder, if tomorrow I was in another time, or another place, would it change everything here, would it change who I am, who you are, would it change those that I love and those that love me? Would it be the same as it always was without me here? Or am I stuck in this moment, in this life here in this place, in this time? But while we're here, we might as well make the most of it.

Defining

I saw a film this afternoon and I haven't quite been able to get the story and the meaning behind the story out of my mind since. There were so many emotions that I connected with that I am feeling in my own life, and so many moments when I really did feel like it brought me back to moments just a few years ago in my own life, of that college experience, of being lost, of being misunderstood by family and by finding someone that changed my life, that helped me to heal, that helped me to move on, that helped me to find out who I was.

I think that there are moments in our lives that we never quite forget, and for years and years afterwards, they are still ever present in our minds, yet maybe just a little hidden from view. We might have to dig them up to feel them again, or we might have to push ourselves to get to them, but they are there all the same. And these moments are events, both large and small, both affecting millions and affecting only ourselves, and moments both joyous and torturous. They are things like seeing the planes hit the twin towers on September 11th and while I might never be able to explain exactly how I felt in that moment, I can feel it exactly when I remember it. They are moments like that first kiss, or when you know you are falling in love with someone and you will never be the same. It's moments that you remember that feeling of fighting with a parent, of feeling unloved, or of feeling betrayed. They are emotions that you may never be able to explain to anyone, or even to yourself, but they are moments all the same that you will always remember how you felt, no matter where you go, what you do or how long you hide them away.

And through all these moments in our lives, we must find a way to feel them, to experience them and then to move on. We must fill our hearts with all of these and then file them away and wake up tomorrow, knowing that we can always still find them, but that we must begin again and take the next step forward. I'll never forget how I felt that morning of September 11th, 2001 or the first moment that I knew I was falling in love with Nick, or that fight with my dad in the Summer of 2005 when I left home. There are things in our lives that affect us all, things that pull us apart and things that put us back together. It's how we handle them, how we move on, how we do all we can in the wake of them that matters. It's how we take that next step that defines us as who we are and we we can be.

In the rain... just like I left it.

Finally a moment, to sit, to think, to write. And as I sit amongst candles, music, and blankets I find myself thinking of so much. I find myself thinking back to these past few months and what they have brought and what they have taken away. And in many ways, more life changing things have occurred since December in not only my life but many of those close around me, that it's sometimes hard to take it all in. This will most likely be my last month in Portland for a while, until I return for good at least. And I find myself reminiscent and downhearted at that thought. Though I must return to that island apartment for a while, to finish out what I started there. And this time it's different, this time I'm not leaving to run away, I'm leaving to come back and I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's 5 months instead of a year. It's knowing that we are strong enough now, that we've been through worse and that when I come home, I'm finally home for good. When I come home, I am home every night in his arms, waking up every morning to see him next to me.

And sometimes I think to myself about what's going on in my life and I'm a bit amazed. In just 9 months I will be 6 days away from my wedding, in just 5 months I will be packing to come home for good, in just 3 months I will be saying goodbye to my ocean view apartment with the balcony, and so time will fly and we will be alright. This crazy life is so close within our reach finally, and finally I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I imagine that day all the time, walking down that aisle to meet you at the other end, saying those vows in front of everyone we love, hearing people toast us, and watching all those amazing people in our lives be there to show us they believe in us and to support us and all we've been through.

Life seems to never stop, and so when I get a moment like this tonight, to sit, to just breathe and to let myself just be, it brings to mind so many thoughts, so many things that I am so thankful for, so excited for. I am so ready for this next chapter in my life and when I look around at the life we've made, at what we've done, we've done pretty damn good. So as I move forward, as I embrace my last full month in this beautiful Pacific city, I will embrace every day as my last, I will smile as I see the streetcar pass, and laugh when it starts raining. I will wear all my cherished coats and wrap myself in scarves. I will cherish it all, and I will know that when I put all those winter clothes away and pack my bags to head back to the Islands, I will only be there for 5 months, and that when I return, everything I love will be waiting right here, in my apartment, in my city, in the rain just like I left it.

Vows

When it all becomes too much, when the world starts to crumble around me, I know that I'll at least always have you. When it seems I have no footing, when the motion starts to make me sick, when I can't handle it all anymore, all I do at the end of the day, as the sun is setting, is to look over at you and smile, knowing that no matter what we face, we face it together, we face it stronger and we face it in our own way. I don't need this ring, or this date in November to know that you are who I want to be with, and I never did. I don't need this apartment to remind me of the memories we have and the moments we've shared and the smiles we've had or the tears we've cried.

We've been together longer than any of our friends, and we've weathered more storms. We've made a life and we've been close and we've been apart and we've weathered the distance. And on the other side, we are ok. We made it and we are stronger, more connected, wiser. And no one of our friends can come in and tell us they know more than we do about relationships because in the end, it's been 4 and a half years, through very high ups and very low downs, through distance, through broken hearts, through losses and through gains. We've seen more than they might ever see and gone through more than they might ever go through. And we've done it with grace and we've stayed together and we've grown individually and separately. And so here tonight, as I sit on the other side of the wall from you, I wanted to tell you this. These are my vows for you, for our life together, vows that have nothing to do with a ring or a certificate or a legal document. These are my words, and coming from me, you know how important words are to me. Words are the way that I love, the way that I hurt. They are everything to me... and so here... tonight on this beautiful Portland night, I give you these vows, whole heartedly and without hesitation because I've already committed my life to you, I did that 4 1/2 years ago.

I vow:

-to always love you
-to remember where we came from and where we are going
-to hold your hand
-to remember that you are just a boy and I am just a girl that happened to fall in love
-to listen
-to hold you when life is too hard
-to consider your thoughts
-to let you be you
-to think of you every time it rains, no matter where I am
-to hold on to what we are and what we have
-to grow and change on my own and let you grow and change beside me
-to let the changes happen and hold your heart through it all
-to follow our dreams
-to kiss you everyday
-to know that life will only get harder, and the days shorter, but that as long as we're together, we'll be ok
-to think of you everyday before I go to bed and every day when I wake up
-to smile every time something small reminds me of you
-to acknowledge our flaws and work to make them better

and finally, to always cherish what we have, to try and see everything in our eyes together, and to go through life, chasing dreams and following our hearts, with you by my side, always.

Thank you for being an amazing partner for 4 1/2 incredible years... you are the love of my life.

Better

The world flies by faster and faster which each passing day, and I'm feeling the pull of the weight of all that is going on especially more lately. I am feeling myself being pulled in such separate directions, unsure of which way to go, which task to do and I am needing some space and time to just have a break, to just relax and recharge. I think sometimes we just need a moment, to sit still, to think, to start over and energize our lives. We go and go and go and don't even realize it until we hit that wall, like I am now, feeling bruised and tired and overwhelmed.

Our lives are flying by in a few blinks, and here a year later after graduating college I am at this point that I thought would take so long to get to. I want so badly to make my own way, to pave a path, to do something different than my family has done, to be my own person, to do it in the way that makes the most sense for me. And I need to remember along the way that I need to take a few minutes to calm down, to slow down and to breathe, because if I do that, I will be a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife (down the road), a better designer and a better person. So as I sit here, writing because it feels good to my soul, I will breathe and recharge and know that tomorrow I will be better.

Insignificant

The years go by and we progress through the stages of our life. Some of us become women that will change the world, others become mothers, others become women passionate about their dreams, others still become the women all around us, that perhaps don't fall into a certain category, those that are our friends, our mentors, our mothers, grandmothers and sisters. And throughout our lives, we are told to be strong, to love whole heartedly and to dream. We are not told that no one will ever live up to our expectations, or that we will have our hearts broken over and over, or that most of the things we want will never come true. And perhaps we aren't ever told those things because it's the way that we keep going, having to figure that out for ourselves.

Why do we make things so complicated? Why do we grow up believing in all the love stories, but never realizing that what we don't see is the real ending. We always see up to the point where the romance is all you see, and the movie ends. We don't see how hard the next part is, we don't see what it takes to make it continue to work. We don't see all the moments afterwards, all the things that make you want to leave, that make you want to find your own way. And it's that belief in love I think, that makes us keep going, that belief that hopefully somewhere out there, someday things will be different.

I don't know what to believe anymore, I'm not sure I believe in anything. I'm at a point in my life where I am so frustrated. I'm frustrated with who I am, and what I haven't accomplished. I'm frustrated with the purpose of my life, with my city, with the events that have happened. I used to believe in my dreams, in hopes for a fantastic future, for moments that would take my breath away, and all I feel now is that I have worked so hard to get here, and I feel unimportant, un-extraordinary. Insignificant.

Here in this Place

I am back in this newly renovated apartment, eating PF Changs and Outback take out, walking the city streets that feel so good under my feet. I am in the rain daily, and I can see the city lights from my window. I am here in this home that makes me feel whole, and with a new start, I am embarking on a new year, on new challenges and facing new obstacles. I am considering things in the near future that I never thought I would. I am offering up things that I never thought I would, but I feel at peace about it all... I feel like my dreams are within reach and that I can do what I believe so strongly in.

I hope it will all be fine, that the dreams and the prayers will come true... that all that I believe so strongly in will prevail because my heart and soul depend on it... here in this city of my dreams.

Cold

You are the coldest wind I've ever felt,
chilling to the bone, that feeling of ice,
that used to feel warm, but no more.

I used to feel that warmth, that generosity of emotion,
that feeling that I was always warm,
even when the temperature fell.

It's no coincidence that I have been constantly cold
for so long now, no coincidence that my body
is reacting to my soul.

There are moments when I wonder who you are,
and how I can love this person I see.
The irony is I can't find a way to let myself go,
I can't find my way out, or the light at the other end.

You are the cold wind that chills me to the bone,
without any hope of warmth.

You are the moments thinking of nothing but yourself,
and how can you? How can you when I give up all that I am for this?

Outstayed my Invitation

I thought by coming back here, by going on a risk, by taking a chance, by following where my heart led me that it would make you happy. I thought that by saying yes, it would mean that I was making our dreams come true, but the more that I realize, it only made my dreams come true, never yours. The happy boy that I fell in love with has turned to anger, to punching walls, to running away when I need him the most. The love I knew has changed, and the smile I fell in love with is gone from our lives.

I thought that making this our home, that by being a new version of myself was what you wanted. I thought that by being the girl that you wanted would make you happy. I thought that moments like this were behind us. I thought that we'd have figured it out by now, that no matter what happened between us, you'd find that happiness again. I thought that you were just trying to figure it out, that if I gave you time, if I showed you I am here, that I am willing to give it all up for you, everything I believe in... for you, that you'd see it and just coming running to fall back in love with me.

I thought that I had compromised, that I had given you what you wanted, at least mixed it together with what I wanted. I thought that the anger would fade, that the smile would return when I got home. I thought that it would change.

And now here we are, very possibly the last 3 weeks for me to be here before I might have to leave again. And here we are, 28 days left, 28 days left to see me everyday, to hold me, to wake up next to me, 28 days to have dinner with me, 28 days come home to me, not just an empty apartment.

And here we are, and apparently everything that I thought you wanted isn't what you want at all. Everything that I thought would make you happy again isn't even coming close; apparently I am not making you happy. And the saddest part of all, is that in the unraveling, my dreams are the ones being crushed because all I want anymore is be with you, and you seem like this is what you want, for me to leave, to not deal with it anymore, to have your life back and to do exactly what you want, when you want. It seems to me that I have outstayed my invitation and nothing I do can make you happy anymore.

The road only leads ahead

I have finally found my way home and there are moments when I look around me and just smile to myself knowing that I am home. I think that it took me so long to get to this point that now that I'm here I know it's real and that all the doubts I've always had are finally being reassured.

Someone this morning asked me if I was ready to get married, if I am sure. And I could honestly say yes, that I am sure, that I am in love and that I want to be with him. It's not the ring that tells me I love him or that I've made the right choice. It's the feeling in my heart, it's the smile on my face and it's the life I've built that I know is true. And so, as I ride the max home, I look out at beautiful Portland and smile, because no matter what life brings or where I go, I finally have somewhere to call home and someone that I love more than life. I finally have that dream and the road only leads ahead.

Follow My Heart

Sometimes I think you have to just go for something, something that you know is right, something that you know you love. Sometimes I think that you have to get past what might happen, or what might not and just go after your heart. I think that I need to follow my heart in this and follow my dreams... I need to do what will make me happy and whole and loved.

This is a decision that is hard for me, a decision that is difficult for me to take knowing that I might have to depend on someone else, knowing that I might have to give up a job, a part of me, knowing that I might very well have to give up certain things to gain others... like a husband, like a dream wedding with chandeliers and cupcakes and champagne. And I am realizing that I want that more and more and I want to be here, to be home, to be a wife, to be in love, to take the chance, to take the risk, to take that leap. To do it for myself, to follow my heart... to be at peace.

Always on My Side

Sometimes when I look back, I realize how easy everything was back when we were younger. When I was falling love, when college was my biggest challenge, when my boyfriend surprised me with little things that made the biggest difference in the world, when I could drive two hours to go home to see my family and when the days seemed endless and like they lasted forever. And it seems that those days were the years I will always remember and that's how I picture Portland always, those first walks down to Ai from my old apartment, streetcar rides with friends, riverfront parks and afternoons spent writing. Those evening runs across the bridge, and afternoon trips to UP to see my boyfriend.

And here I am, 4 years later, graduated from college almost a year, back in Portland for a bit, and learning to live a new life with my now fiance. And suddenly life is all about putting wood floors into our apartment, discussing the biggest things in life, working, supporting ourselves for the first time, learning how to be together and independent, how to not give up all of myself to have a life with him. And sitting here this morning in our apartment, in this city that will always be our city to me, I am finally realizing that no matter what we argue about, or no matter how far we go, the little things really never change over time and those are the things that mean the most in the end... it's those little things like having lunch bought for you, or Starbucks in the mornings even if you know it's coming. Or those times when you can just laugh with each other over the stupidest of things, or something that only you two understand.

So things may have changed in the last 4 years, and a new ring may be on my finger, I may be living somewhere new, but one thing has always stayed constant, the young man that I am going to marry has always been that light in my darkness and the friend that got me through. He's who I share my deepest feelings with and who truly knows who I am. And while I'm trying to figure out who I am now, and who I'm not... I know that he is the one that will stand beside me and will always be on my side.

As Bad

There are moments when I wonder if everyone else goes through all that goes through my life. And this week has been such a mix of high and low... after all I am home, finally. And content and rested and relaxed and happy. On the other hand, my family is going through a lot right now that we don't yet know a lot about and it's been weighing very heavily on my mind. And this is different, it's not just the stupid drama of boyfriends or adults that can't seem to realize they are adults, this is real, this is too close to home, this is serious.

And my prayers this week are floating toward that, and my thoughts are pulling toward it, in a way that it's always in the back of my mind. And all I can think is, what if it was me?

So I'll say a prayer and think of it and hope it's not as bad as we think.

@ the end of December....

So much is possible in two tiny days. And in two days, we can become someone new, we can change a life, we can change our own lives. We can put up a Christmas tree, and take it down. We can see family, and we can break away. We can sit on our own, and we can sit with someone we love. We can get engaged, we can wonder where life is leading us, and we can wonder if everything will work out. We can wonder where the next few months will bring us, or we can wonder about the next few years, and even after that. I have no idea where I'll be next year, if I'll be married, or in another city. I have no idea where I'll be in five years, or in ten, and that is why life is so damn interesting and terrifying all at once.

I think so much we sit back and just wait for everything to work out, and we take the phrase, "if it's meant to be," too much to heart. I very much believe that phrase, yet I also believe that we must go out there and grab the things we want. I believe very much in expecting the best from everyone, whether or not they can achieve it, it makes a person work harder and become better if we have a goal in mind. I believe in chasing dreams, in not holding yourself back, whatever that may mean individually. I believe that sometimes life isn't so much about memories, but more about moments, in which you felt a certain way, an emotion that you hold on to, of how you felt, and what you felt, and why you felt it. My life has been very much that way, it has been a collection, not of memories, but rather of emotions that I felt at certain moments. It's about knowing how to say goodbyes and yet still being able to say hellos. It's about feeling like someone has just crushed your heart, and feeling like you are flying. Life is about the emotions, that's what makes us distinct, human. Without emotions, we are nothing, we aren't living.

I had a moment on Christmas, when the boy I love more than anything in the world, the young man that stole my heart at 18, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. There was a moment, when two distinct worlds flashed before me, a world with him, and a world without, and there was no question of my answer, never any doubt. There was a moment when I knew exactly how I felt and why I felt it. And I said yes, because my emotions spoke for me, knowing exactly what my heart wants.

I have so many emotions in my mind tonight and have been for the last few days, and I think that's good, at least for me, that's how I know I am feeling, living, loving. And as I look down at this stunning ring on my finger, I can't help but to imagine everything with him, every emotion, every moment, every memory. We have built this life, and we have seen each other through everything, and I know down the road, our wedding will be beautiful, our life memorable and perhaps one day I'll look back and read this and smile, remembering exactly how I felt, and exactly why I felt it, listening to music, next to my white Christmas tree, in this apartment in our city, at the end of December.

Settle

I can't sleep and after having been deprived internet for a week, I felt a very huge pull to this blog, this 4am in the morning. I'm not exactly sure what I feel or why I feel it, and suddenly I'm so unsteady. The answers never seem easy anymore and every day, it seems that life is harder and harder, that we have to make tougher decisions than the day before, that we must fight find the right thing, even if we have no idea what that may be. I wonder sometimes when balance will return to the way I live, when I will stop trading things I think I liked for things that I'm not sure if I can like again. This six months of my life have tested me... beyond anything I have ever felt. And while it may look like I have come out on the other side unscathed, it is quite the opposite. There are scars, there are hugely open and unhealed scars, of the places that have tested me life in the last half year, and they are wounds that will take some time to heal, wounds that will always be with me a little bit from now on. I can't even begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions I have been on this year and as I look back, this has been one of the hardest years of my entire 23 years of life. All you have to do is read my back blogs starting in May and see the journey, though journey seems to have too much of a positive connotation, but rather perhaps a road of lessons is better coined.

And there tonight lays my empty apartment on the islands. With it's balcony, and tile floors. And a very large part of me misses it, a very large part of me has grown very accustomed to life there, and while the cons outweigh the pros, I was at a point where I was at peace with it all, and somehow my little apartment overlooking Kalakaua avenue took me away from it all. A big part of me is still left in Hawaii, whether I like it or not. My parents, who I have grown close to all over again, my one and only ever little convertible, my first apartment paid for on my own, my office, my jamba juice and starbux. I did build a life there, and though I hate the hot year-round and the beauocracies of Hawaii are my biggest pet peeve, I still have a part there. I did have my own little place there, however removed it might have been.

There are moments when I wonder if I am giving up the right things and if once again, am I trading it all too early? Am I making the right choice and if so, why do I feel like I'm letting so many down? I hate that I have to make the choice, I hate that I can't have the best of both worlds, but I don't think that's entirely possible. and maybe it shouldn't be. All I know is that I have a very different lifestyle than most of the people in my life, and sometimes, I feel so alone, so out of touch with most of the people in my life. Lost in the shuffle, with no one to really feel the pain with me.

And in my young life, I have endured this lonely lost-ness before, this unsurity, this moment of weakness when I don't know where to turn. It's happened numerous occasions in my young life and while I am no stranger to it, I am definitely no where used it yet and every time, I look back on the past experience and wonder how I made it through. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been different if I had had more of a conventional upbringing, or if no matter what I went through in life, this is how I would end up. How much does nature affect nurture and vice versa?

So I sit here at 5 in the morning, in the cold rainy Northwest, the place I know call home, both physically and emotionally at the moment and I can't help but hope the day will bring peace. And I think back to Hawaii, to my parents who I have so immensely enjoyed laughing with, having dinner with, just being with, to my sleeping little apartment with the balcony I've always wanted. This is going to take some getting used to, some adjusting to be back here. And while this is home, I've been so unsettled for so long, so pushed through the motions, one plane ride after another, that I'm going to have to find peace yet again, and I'm going to have to settle myself and my soul.

It's ironic that my life has turned out the way it has, because it seems that every time I get settled somewhere, something else comes up that makes me make a change and from that consequent change, come this period of resettling and of wondering if I made the right choice. It's been that way my whole life, when I moved to Portland on my own for college, when I switched schools, when I moved in with Nick and gave up my little pink apartment, when I moved to Hawaii, and now when I've "moved" back.

But life must go on, and as much as we sometimes need it to, the world will not stop for our panic. It will not wait for us to find peace in order to go on again, and so we must live and breathe and move on all at once. And while I feel so very exposed, lonely, lost, unsure, scarred, pained, and unready, I must move on to settle myself once again and find peace in my soul. Only time will tell but for now, here is yet another change, yet another move, yet another step along the way.

The Journey Home

I just woke up from the best dream I've had in so very long and suddenly, I know that everything is falling into place how it should and I know that it's right. For so long I've been toying with what is right to do, with trying to figure out in my mind if it really is right for me to move back to Portland and if I'm doing it for the right reasons, it's something that on the surface, I feel like I should do, but down deep I have been struggling with it, for many reasons.

And yet, here tonight, at 2 in the morning, as I lay here thinking about the beautiful and so very vivid dream I just had, a dream about my city, about meeting old friends, about memories of my first year there in Portland, about making new memories, about moments that slip away anywhere else but that become so very beautiful there. I dreamt of walking the park blocks, of the apartment buildings, of that feeling of just being there, of knowing that's where you fit. I dreamt of the waterfront, of my old apartment, of those pink walls, of weekends at home, of real weekends, of peace, of being settled, of walking the streets and feeling it under my feet. I dreamt of the rain, washing down and down outside, of the beauty of the spring, and the glory of the fall. I dreamt of the feeling of being loved, of waking up everyday and knowing I'm where I'm supposed to be, of adventures, of finding new places, of growing up, of the smell of the city air, of the Pearl, of driving to the coast, and dancing in the rain. I dreamt of photos, lots and lots of photos, of memories, of seeing the city grow, of weekends with family, of moments alone, to sit and look around and find peace in where I am. I dreamt of all those first memories, the first days of college, the first friends, the first loves, the first nights alone at my apartment, the first pieces of that life that I built, all on my own.

Portland is one of those places that is down deep under my skin, that fits, that feels comfortable. Its a city that is big enough to keep your distance, but that lets you run into random people on the street. It's a place that holds my heart and holds who I am. So as I start packing up my life again ... I find myself on the journey home, on the journey to where I want to be, the journey to who I need and want to be.

Struggle Along

I have sat here a hundred times, looked out over this place, over this city, if you can call Honolulu a "city," it's really more of a town that outgrew itself and never quite caught up from the rush of the 1970's when tourists flocked here, when it was such an old way of life, the real "Hawaiian" way of life. And this city, this island has never really caught up with the rest of the states, always a step behind, always struggling to catch up. And here I sit once again, looking out over the balcony of my 11th floor balcony, over the famed strip of Kalakaua, the road that winds through the famous coastline of Waikiki, and I have to laugh at myself at home I ended up here, at how my life has taken this path.

This was never a place I wanted to be, never a place that I dreamed of going to, never a place that interested me at all really. But it was a place that happened to me by happen-stance and by coincidence and by whatever is meant to happen in my life. But I am realizing more and more everyday that my life is not that of normality, or of predictability. Every stage in my life, I never would have thought I would have ended up there, and I have never been able to look ahead and predict where I'll be in 2, 5, or 10 years. And the beautiful part is that I don't really want to. And while that drives me absolutely insane to not know what is going to happen, I love it too because it makes me enjoy the ride, it makes me find out more about myself and it makes me want to find out where I'll be next.

My life might change in a few weeks, or it might not, but either way, I have posed the difficult questions and I have gotten my answers to them. I can move on, with what I want my future to be. I can move on to the next thing and know that this step in the journey happened for a reason, that this step was needed for me to move forward. And whether or not I'm back in Portland in the new year, I'm doing okay, I'm making my way through the crises, through the uncomfortable and devastating moments, through the heat, through the uncertainty and I'm okay. And while I want so much in my life right now, I want to be working back home, I want to move forward in my relationship, I want to pass my LEED tests and trudge forward with my NCIDQ, I want to save money for a trip to Europe and Morocco and I want to pay off all my credit cards. I want all of that, but I know that it might not happen right away, it might not happen when I think it will, but that's okay, because I know it will all happen eventually and if I've learned anything in my 23 years, it's that life happens on it's own schedule, on its own timeframe and we are just here along for the ride, hoping to just make the best of it while we struggle along.

Power

What is it exactly that makes people be unfaithful to those they love? How does it start exactly and what is going through their minds? It seems in the past week or so it's been a hot topic, both in the media and personally so many comments have been made about men cheating on their wives in my office, a topic that is unfortunately not rare with the men in that I work with. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's because my whole life I was fairly sheltered from that reality of the world, that I was surrounded by faithful men my whole life, but I didn't realize how rampant this is in our society, not really until this year. How can you do that, come home and pretend like it's all okay? How could you do that to someone you love, or at least loved at one time, enough to be with them, to marry them? How has our society made that so common place, so non-important?

It's been a topic on my mind a lot this week and as I think about it, it's yet another thing that I feel like is so wrong with our world. And I know a lot of people, both friends and acquaintances and colleagues that have cheated on their significant others. And some of them are just bad guys, some of them lost my respect the instant I met them, but some of them are good friends of mine, some of them are girls, some are guys, some it was just one kiss, and others it was a full on affair. And most of my friends were in situations where they really did love their significant other, but cheated anyway. Other colleagues have been cheating for years and years and act like that's just normal, that's just how life works. Either way, when you love someone, and you care about them and their well being, how could you hurt them so deeply, how could you be with someone else and then come home to your wife or girlfriend and live with yourself?

I can't imagine keeping something like that from someone I love, let alone finding out that someone I love had been keeping that from me. And I have to believe that if that happened, if I found out something like that, I would walk away right then and there. And when the truth comes out, why don't these women leave? Why do they stay for years and years in marriages when their husbands are sleeping with every girl they can find? Whey do these women condone this, to keep a marriage together or not, I don't know if that is forgivable, and even if you can forgive, can you forget? And every night when you go bed with that person, you'd be wondering if he is thinking about her. I don't know how you could get over that, how you could stay?

It seems this topic is so ordinary to some, so openly acceptable and I have found that colleagues of mine have just been so nonchalant in expressing to me how they are unfaithful to their wives, and why me? Why tell me that, why make those comments and I think the reason is this: these men that cheat, these men that are unfaithful, for whatever reason, have no respect for me, no respect for women in general, they are selfish and pompous, they are men that don't have the courage to live a life worthy of respect from others. And they sometimes they look at me like any of their other girls, sometimes I know what they are thinking and then I realize that unlike the other girls, there is a part of them that is scared of me because they know me, what I can do and what I stand for. I scare them because unlike all those other girls who give themselves up so easily, I stand for something more, I have more respect for myself not to stoop to that level and I have the power that they wish they had.

Every Moment

There are so many moments in my life that I remember like they were yesterday. Some were good, some bad, some were unexpected, some exhilarating. And as I sit here tonight in this apartment that was supposed to be everything I ever wanted, I feel all those moments all over again. I have been especially reminiscent today, especially remembering all those tiny moments that changed my life in some way or another.

I have learned so much in the past year, and I think I have changed considerably in who I am and what I believe because of what has happened in my life. There are no answers to exactly why things happened the way they happened, but they did happen for some specific reason and I sit here tonight for the same specific reason.

There are so many things that my life has showed me this year, so many things that seem to be pulling me in your direction. So many moments lying here at night, looking out over the thousands of lights, over the dark ocean toward where you are and needing you to just love me, to want me forever, to know that I'm the one, to know that I am worth the risk, worth the adventure, worth everything we could have together.

I can't help but feel such a mix of emotions tonight. I'm unsettled, afraid, anxious, restless, emotional, tired, and calm. But the one emotion that conquers them all, is love. All I need tonight is for you to love me, to know that I am worth every second, every risk, every moment.

Home, For Good

There are moments in our lives when all reason goes away, when we have to go by what we feel, a moment when suddenly for no reason at all, you know exactly how you feel or what you want. I've had a few of those moments in the past few months and it truly is from a guidance beyond us that brings us to those tiny fractions of time. The first time I really felt this way was the moment I knew that I loved Nick beyond anything I had ever known, that I wanted to be with him, that I wanted to stay with him forever, that no matter what happens, my love for him will never change. That moment was a moment in Korea, a moment in my beautiful hotel room, in a country I adore, looking out the window over beautiful and raging Seoul and suddenly I knew for no reason at all, that I had to be with him, that he was my future, he was my soul, my entire heart. That moment changed everything, because at the time we had been taking some time to figure things out, to work things out in our own lives, to see where it would lead us. And in that tiny and most significant moment, I felt everything that I needed to feel, and I felt every emotion that was possible.

And then here last night, staring out at the city in front of me from my 11th floor apartment in the city of dreams for so many, in this city of tradition and palm trees, and I looked out over the darkest ocean towards that home that I have finally found, so many miles away across the ocean. And suddenly, at 10 o'clock on an insignificant Thursday night, I realized that I want to be back there in Portland, that if that means waiting a little longer till I can do it, I want to be there, I want that to be my home. I want to walk outside everyday and smile knowing that this is home, knowing that the grey sky overhead will always soothe me, knowing that I made the right choice, knowing that's where family is, where friends are, where love is, were home is. And it's moments like that that everything becomes clear.

So as I sit here tonight yet again, staring out at the tiny lights across a dark city, out across the dark ocean toward that city that holds my heart... I know that soon I will be home, soon I will walk those streets again, soon I will smile because all this will be over and soon I will rest at night knowing that I am home, really home, not just for a day, but for good.

Never Drifting

There are people in our lives that drift in and out, people that mean nothing and people that mean everything. There are people that we meet by random, people that we click with, people that become part of us, people that cross our minds more often than not, people that things remind us of them, people that can make a difference in your life. And sometimes life poses us with questions, with choices, with decisions and sometimes it all seems so overwhelming, too much to handle, too much to go through to get to the other side. But we must always remember that when life puts us in that position, when it gives us more than we think we can handle, we must remember that there are always those people we love, people that love us, people that are in our lives forever because we understand each other, because we have hopes for each other's lives, that we can make those decisions, that we are strong enough. And we are strong enough because we have those people that will support us, people that will walk with us and hold our hand if we need it. We have those people that drift in and out of our lives, but I am lucky enough to have many that have never drifted away and that stand by my side always...

Holidays

As we approach December and the holiday season, filled with memories, with family, with those we love, with those that we miss, we embark on yet another December, another Thanksgiving weekend, another Christmas, another new year around the corner. And this year has been one of learning experiences, of huge firsts for me, of huge moments and of small ones, of one day trips to Oregon and back, of finding out once and for all that true love will hold true, of losing friends, of losing family. And as I look back on the last year, I have perhaps lost just as much as I have gained this year. Sometimes I think back, four years ago, to my freshman year in college, to when life was so simple, so exciting, so easy. That was a year that I definitely gained more than I lost, and I so sublimely happy. That was one of the best years of my life, I fell in love, lived on my own, met so many new and interesting people, fell in love with my city, and found true peace in myself and in who I was becoming.

It's interesting to sit here tonight and think that last year at this time I was at home asleep next to the boy I love, wanting to spread my wings and fly and go out and find myself again. It's interesting to look back at the moments in my life where I really found what I was looking for, they were always moments that I had lost something, that made me look at what I had and moments when I really had to search within myself to find the answer. And here I am again, in one of those moments. But there is one thing I do know, one thing that I want more than anything else I've ever wanted, is to be there at home next to that boy that is the only person in this world that I could spend every second of every day with, that boy that pulled me out of one of my moments of loss when I met him, a boy that I have seen grow into a man, a boy that knows me inside and out and that knows everything about me, and loves me unconditionally.

We take so much for granted in our lives and if you would have told me last year at this time where I'd be and what I'd be doing right now, I would have jumped at the chance, thinking that this was my moment, that this was the dream. Little did I know that I was already living the dream right where I was, curled on the sofa of a cold apartment with the boy I love.

And so as the holidays fast approach, and we are coming up on yet another December, another new year, all I want to do to bring in the new year is to sit in our little chinese restaurant and look that boy in the eyes and say "I love you, for another year." And that is what the holidays are all about, being with those people that you love the most, and being able to hold their hand and look outside at the rain and the cold bare branches and smile, knowing that you are home and with those people you love the most.

Alone

I have so missed seeing the rain pound against my windows and the way it looks when the sky is as dark as the buildings. And the way that the clouds roll in and you know that rain will be pouring all day long. I love the way the sky darkens and the rain comes pouring from above, the way that it smells, the way that it hits your face, the way that it makes you feel. I love the way everything glistens when wet, and how suddenly, everything is clean again, and it's almost as if the rain has washed everything bad away.

I have spent the morning curled up in my chair watching and enjoying the rain, reading a book that always takes me out of my world for a time and makes me believe in magic, in happy endings, in love. And even after reading it 3 times before, Twilight still manages to capture me, it still holds me together and it still pulls me so deep into another world, leaving all my own problems behind.

Everything is flying at me from all sides lately, and I'm more unsure of everything than ever before. Maybe I shouldn't even try to go back to Portland, maybe I shouldn't even try to go back to the relationship that seems so strained. Maybe I should really just stay here, endure it, and then move somewhere else on my own, somewhere where it rains, where the fall colors change. Maybe I should just go on alone and leave all this behind, because it only hurts me anymore. I do know that I will always need the rain, it gives me such a peaceful feeling to see it rain like this, to see the clouds move slowly over the city, dumping water so gracefully down upon us all.

And here I sit, the rain is done, the heat is back, and I am alone, as always.

Pull me back up

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder if I'm the same person I used to be, if I'm even any part of that little naive girl that grew up in the desert, that little girl that knew nothing of the world except for that little Saudi city, of the gulf, or vacations to
Paris and Cypress and Amsterdam. And sometimes all I want so badly to is go back to that world, not the physicality of it, but the emotional innocence and ease of being a child, especially the child that I was there. To go back to when the hardest moments were when we wondered if the boy next door liked me, when the choice was to walk to school or get a ride. And sometimes when I try to remember, to put myself there in my mind, I can't and that scares me so very much. Sometimes I feel like that part of me is drifting from my mind, like a loved one lost when one day you wake up and can't remember their touch, their feel, their scent. I am forgetting the scents of the desert, the round about that the hub cabs all flew off the passing cars, I am forgetting the view of herds of camels on the horizon, and the rush against your skin of heat and sand mixed.

Anymore, all I feel is the weight of choice, the heaviness of decisions, of indecision. I want so badly to feel the lightness of happiness, or love. To feel that moment when I know that I am special, set apart from everyone else. I want so badly to just let my life happen, that I could have what I need and not have to go beyond that. And I sit here, alone, and wonder if this is how I'll end up in the end, because I'll never get the entirety of what I want from anyone. And someday I'll sit here and look in the mirror at the girl that ended up being so far from who I thought I'd be.

I'm so tired from the energy I exert, from trying to be that girl that everyone thinks I am, rather than the girl I used to be. I'm so exhausted from carrying the weight of it all, so worn out from always having to be the one to make the effort in life, in love, in family. I'm stressed and overwhelmed and lonely, I'm too tired to even cry, it will take too much energy I don't have anymore. And everything that I thought would work out, seems to be falling apart and nothing feels right, not here, not there, not anywhere.


And as we approach the holidays, I don't even have that family to rely on, no big family christmas, no fire places, no family dinners. Maybe it's because I was young, but as a little girl I always remember family getting together, I remember my uncles, my aunts, speaking to each other. I remember grandma's house at the holidays and I remember always feeling that warmth from being there. That however, was before my family stopped speaking to each other, before everyone moved away, before I grew up and felt the weight of responsibility, before I felt the pains of love. That was back when life was simple, when I didn't have to do everything on my own, when I could simply play with my Playmobil and act out the drama that is really happening in my life.

I don't know how much more I can take of this, and sometimes I think, maybe I should just break off every tie I have back home, stay here and just work and live on my own because that might be simpler. Everything is weighing me down, and I'm sinking by trying to get back there because there is no one on the other end to guide me back to the surface... no one is even trying to pull me back up.

Rights For All: Making a Change

Facebook has been littered with comments the last couple of days from both my gay and straight friends regarding the law that didn't pass in Maine this week pertaining to same-sex marriage. And this week, as a good friend of Nick and I's has set the date for his second wedding for just a little over a month away. This will be his second marriage, the first that happened last year, to an 18 year old girl he had known for 3 months and married in 6 months. This time around he has known the girl for about 7 and is getting married at the end of the year. And as I sit here tonight and think about it, about how wrong I think it is... about how he is allowed to do this, make the same mistakes over and over, how he is allowed to make these big decisions with no punishment at all for wrong choices, without any consequences and there are couples all over the world, couples that have loved each other for years, some for decades and many that have had their relationships last longer than so many many straight couples.

If you heard about two couples, one couple that had been breaking up and getting back together for months at a time. A couple that met and married in just a few months, a couple with no real respect for each other, a couple that are getting married in Vegas just for the fun of it, for the party.

And yet on the other side of the country is a couple that has been together for years and years, decades of commitment, decades of true and real honest love. It's a couple that has weathered the storms together, that has made a life together, that has held each other's hand through everything, that have been committed citizens and giving friends, tax payers and voters.

Which would you say is more deserving of a certificate to announce their commitment to each other? Which would you say is more deserving of that choice, that option of marriage?

I am and always will be a firm believer in gay marriage for a number of reasons, but the first and foremost reason being that we are no one to say that they don't deserve that as much as we do. I'm not saying that churches have to open their doors for these marriages, or that religion has to play a role in this at all. So what is so wrong with having a legal document for a couple to exchange vows and commit themselves to one another? How is that wrong?

And the older I get and the more I understand, the more I see how ignorant our country is, how close minded, how unwilling we are to change. From gay marriage, to women's equal rights, to sustainability and environmental protection. When are we going to understand that we are ruining everything?

I sit here tonight and ask you... regardless of your religion, regardless of race or gender or sexuality, how is it legal for people to get married with a snap of finger as long as you're of age and straight, without any meaning or love involved, but when a gay couple in love, devoted to each other isn't allowed even the choice.

And so tonight, as Facebook is a-buzz with this chatter, with comments from people all around the U.S., gay and straight, male and female, hopefully at some point soon we can make a change and someday, we will be a country with rights for all.

All the Pieces

Somewhere in between the rain today and my favorite season of Sex and the City, I think I have made my decision. And while I'm not exactly sure of the details, I just feel like everything is pointing me toward it. I just feel it inside, that this is the next step for me, that this is where I need to go, that this is what is in store for me.

It's something about those things that I love, waking up from a nap to rain, watching that show that has taken me a week to get through to my favorite season 6 episodes, from a friend telling me good luck and to "follow my heart and the rest will follow." It's playing hooky from work today to take this much needed day to myself. And while I'm not exaclty sure of how it will work, I have decided that one way or another, whether it's this offer or something else, I will make it back to the NW very soon... and whether that means I give up some things to make it there or whether it all works perfectly, I'm willing to take that chance.

And I will take that chance for me, and I will make that choice for me. While other people should be able to state their opinion, I am going to make this decision on my own, without outside advice. I believe in myself enough to do that and everyone else should too. Sometimes you just need a day at home to nap, to watch season 6 of Sex and the City, to stand on your balcony on the rain, and to think think and contemplate.

So come next week when I make this decision, I will be making it for me and I will be making it based on how I feel today. Somehow I just feel all the pieces falling into place.

Me, and Only Me

There are moments in life when we are tested. When we have nothing in our control, when we must hurt others or hurt ourselves. There are moments that define us, there are moments that make us the people we are, and that show that to the world. I don't want to be defined by what I didn't do, by the dreams I didn't chase, by the things I didn't go after, by the risks I didn't take.

And here in this moment, it's this decision in front of me entirely in my control and yet, the decision I make will hurt some of those close to me whichever way I choose. So what do you do? Which road do you take? I have never been a person to let someone tell me no when I know it's right, and when something is being dangled out in front of me like this, I can't help but be seduced by it.

I think that sometimes you have to rely on your instincts, and you have to go for things that may not be guaranteed but that will make you happy. And while I may be leaving stability here, I am gaining so much more by taking this risk. I am getting passion for what I love, experience worth more that I ever could have here. I am getting closer to home, I am getting work with someone I greatly admire, my mentor. And I am being asked to do this, of my own accord, without help from anyone else. I am getting this opportunity because of who I am and not who my father is and that means more to me than anything else. And while I am risking security in the meanwhile, am gaining everything that I seem to need right now.

I need to just breathe by myself for a bit and figure this out. I need to not let everyone else's voices into my head because this decision needs to be for me. I need to figure it out without anyone else because it seems when I ask for someone else to listen they just all make it worse for me.

I just need to take a week to think, to realize what I really want, to realize what I really need. And I need to do it for myself and no one else. I can't keep pleasing everybody in my life because I'm giving up what I want and need in the process. So as this week goes on and I have some tough choices ahead, I have to believe in the end, that I will make the right ones, for me and for my future.

No one

We grow up and we're told to chase our dreams, to go after what we want, what we believe in. We are told to run free, to find ourselves, to leap. And then we get to this point, when the decisions we have to make are tough ones, when we must choose one path or another. We get to a crossroads where we must either make a decision for ourselves or one for every one else. We put ourselves into positions then that break our hearts, forcing us to give up what we want for what we should do.

I hate the word "should," because it seems like we do what we "should" do more than what we want to or need to do. Sometimes there are things in life that we must just take a risk with, but when we go to take that risk, we are criticized, we are told that we shouldn't do that.

In the light of a very tough situation this week, I find myself completely alone again. And the people that I thought would be there for me to lean on, are the people that are yet again disappointing me the most. Sometimes I just wish I had someone in my life that was there unconditionally, that made no judgment, and just listened to me when I needed someone to be there. I'm so tired of people telling me that I need to this and do that and it's going to cost this and that, and all the while, I already know all of that. I am a smart and accomplished young woman yet no one in my life seems to give me any credit. I can handle it, I just want someone there to be a phone call when I need it, someone to just listen and not give me what they think and how I should do it. I need to do it on my own, I just want so badly to just talk to someone, and have them listen, nothing else.

We grow up being told to go after what we want, chase those dreams and find something we love to do and when we get to that point, when I am here, at the choice between a job that's going no where and a real chance to chase my dreams, everyone seems to be against me and I'm wondering if the choice I make will be the right one. I wish so badly that the people in my life were more romantic, more idealistic, more positive. I wish so badly that I had that one person to rely on to help me chase my dreams and to support me instead of telling me what I should do, and why I should do it.

I am at a point in my life right now where I am so filled with doubts once again. And after this weekend, when I should have been on top of the world, I feel even more lost. How am I ever supposed to leap and chase those dreams that I have when no one in my life can support me and believe in me? How am I ever supposed to take those leaps when no one in my life will have an open enough mind to understand me?

One of a Kind

I sit here tonight, just as unsure of what's in store for me as I was last night though I am much more at peace. I know that we are all trying to figure out life as we live it and I feel like I need to take this if it comes through, because regardless of the risk, it's what will put me ahead, it's what will make me the person I want to become and it's because I did it on my own, of my own accord. I want to do it for me, for us, to get back to where I want to be. And I want to do it to prove a point, to prove that I am worth the risk, that this is what I'm good at, that this is what I love.

I don't know for sure where I'll be in two months, or two years or ten. But know that I want it to be with you, and I know that might seem scary, but trust me, if we're in it together, it will just be a big adventure, and a lifelong journey together, chasing dreams together and fulfilling them holding each other's hand.

I am at a point in my life where I need to leap, I need to take the risk if I can, and I need to go after this because it's good for me, it's good for us and it's good for my career. Know always that while I may roam for a while, I will always come home to you and if you can just give me some time to roam, if you could roam with me for a bit and let me be that part of me, I promise you that we'll end up back in our home, back in that place that we both love. I promise we'll be okay, I promise that I still want all those things I've always wanted with you. I promise that I want forever and I promise you that I will say yes whenever that question comes around to being asked because I know inside that we are meant to be and while I may need some time to get to the aisle, I will be there someday next to you.

I want to come home to you everyday, I want to see you everyday and smile, I want to go to dinner with you and hold you at night. And while we may not quite be back to that normal yet, we are getting closer, we are slowly catching up to where we used to be. And we are getting there, it may not look like it just yet, but I promise we are. We're getting there and we will be back there again, very soon I promise. Just hold on to me, just hold on to us and believe, believe that this is all just making us that much stronger.

I don't know many more answers tonight than I did yesterday, but I do know this: I know that we will be okay and I know that someday very soon I will wake up everyday again seeing you and I will come home everyday to you. I know that someday soon we will laugh and everything will work itself out. I promise... just believe my love, believe in us, believe in what we have, because it really is one of a kind.

No answers

I don't know what I'm in store for today... but I sit here in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep and wonder what's going to happen. And I may not even find out today, I may not get that answer, but I want it so badly. I want so badly to have my dreams come true, I want so badly to find out where I'm headed, today and in life.

The streets of Honolulu are empty tonight and the traffic lights are all green... and I can't help but wonder, are mine all green right now and I just can't see it? I'm nervous, excited, scared and everything in between. I don't know anything anymore and I don't have any idea where I'm headed and that drives me crazy.

And tonight, I am anxious and nervous and wondering what the day will bring. I'm wondering where I'll be in the months to come, and how my life will turn out. All I have right now are questions filling my head, and I don't have any of their answers.

Choices

I think that there are moments in life where you get to a point where you must define who you are. I have realized that I am a girl that prefers to run free rather than be tied down, a girl that has a strong mind and even stronger soul. I am a girl that is strong and centered and motivated, but also that is contemplative. I am strong willed, strong headed and I believe what I believe. I am as defined in the season finale of season 2 of Sex and the City, a "katie girl," a girl who runs free and all I want is someone to want to run free with me.

Sometimes I need to leap, sometimes I need to think but I will never understand how someone can make decisions without thinking of those around them that they will affect. Life is about making choices, and in those decisions we must make, we must first realize who we are and what we stand for, and then we must choose what to do, considering ourselves first, but also considering how it will affect everyone in our lives, how it will look to them. And while that may not be the romantic notion, it is important. Consideration of others is what defines our lives, it's what sets us apart from everyone out there that couldn't care less. It's what makes us good human beings, what makes us good friends, lovers, people.

When we forget to consider others, when we write off what everyone else thinks, as nice as that may sound, it makes us those people that the rest of us don't admire. There are people in my life that have made very big decisions, and choices that I don't agree with, and while I don't agree with them, as long as they are considerate, as long as they consider how it's affecting everyone else, I will support them. It's the choices that are made purely in the moment, without consideration of others that I will not support. It's those decisions that I don't think should be admired and it's those decisions that will hurt everyone again in the long run.

I am not a simple girl, and I don't have the same dreams and admirations that other girls do. I really never have. And being a "katie girl" means that I see the world a little bit differently, not better or worse, but just differently. I have made many decisions in my life, many that people did not agree with, but in the end, they all realized that I made those decisions by considering everyone else, by listening to their arguments, but listening. By being considerate to what they have to say.

And I'm not saying by any means that I am perfect or that my choices have been perfect, but I have shown consideration always. And it's when those in my life won't show that, that I can't help but take offense. So I keep my mouth shut, but inside all I want to do is scream because that choice makes them one of those people, one of those people that cares only about themselves... one of those people that we already have too many of in this world.

So I will go on, I will be myself, I will be a "katie girl" and I will run free, make my own decisions, and live my own life and not say a word. But sometimes I'd like someone to understand me enough to not force me into thinking something I don't agree with. Sometimes I'd like someone to accept that I feel a certain way and to leave it at that. Sometimes I'd like someone to stand up for me, for who I am, for the person I'd like to think I've become. Sometimes all I want is someone to want me enough to run free with me, to hold onto me, to acknowledge my part in their lives.

Be There

I'll be there when the world starts to fall,
and though I may be an ocean away,
every time it rains, it will remind me of you.

I'll be there for all the years to come,
and we'll be happy,
I'll be there holding your hand and chasing our dreams.

I'll be the girl you believe in so much,
and I'll be her for you.
I'll be the woman I'm supposed to be,
and I'll be her for me.

I'll be there, someday we'll be there together,
listening to the rain,
and smiling because this will all be behind us.

Someday I'll be there again,
and I promise I won't ever leave.

When to Say No and When to Say Yes

Ever since I can remember I have loved the rain, even when I lived in the desert, I always fell in love with the random sprinkles of water that would flood the streets. It's always been a symbol for me, a symbol that soothed me, and that cleansed all the horrible things in the world for me. And now, in the midst of a world that I don't agree with, amidst things that are wrong, and deep in the middle of it, I need that rain to cleanse it even more.

I think that we must ask ourselves where we draw the line. Where do we stop and say no? Or do we go along with all that we don't agree with for the sake of everyone else around us? Do we just say yes, because it's easier than saying no?

I can't get myself to that point, I can't say yes when I should say no. I can't believe that the rest of the world is like this, I can't believe that men in general are like this, I can't believe that our world is so corrupt, because if I believe that, if I say yes because it's easier, then what hope do we have to change?

I can't stop believing in the world I know is there somewhere, I can't say yes to the wrong things. I won't. I won't condone the vulgarity, the insecurities, the inappropriateness and I won't let myself be looked at as a "thing" and not as the smart, successful young woman I will become. I still have more to say, more to do, more to be, and I am so much more than a prop, so much more that what they think I am.

And someday again, I will have plenty of rain, rain to cleanse everything and to start over fresh. I have learned where to draw the line, where I will say no and not be afraid to refuse something. I will not go past what I believe in and I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I know where the line is... and I know when to say no and when to say yes.

Blink

I am sitting here tonight, looking out at the view that I see every single day and I feel no connection, no inspiration to this place. I do however have hope, and faith, and I know that someday I will look back and this will seem so long ago, that someday I will look at pictures of this view and remember this feeling, remember wanting to leave, but also knowing that this place gave me a lot of the answers I really needed at the time. This is only a short period of my life, and in the span of things, nothing... because forever is a very long time.

I sit here and look out the windows tonight, missing you, missing you always. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of you every second of every day, sometimes smiling, sometimes crying. I miss everything about our life and even though I just saw you just a couple of days ago, it seems like an eternity. And I know that I will always be with you, that we have our whole lives to live together and that this is just a short period of time in the span of things, even though it feels like forever. And I also know that while I want so badly to with you, I also know that "there is no rush, that forever is a very long time."

I have hope, and faith, and trust that something will work out for us. I know that we are meant to be together, forever, that I will wake up next to you for the rest of my life and so, in this however much longer we must wake up apart, I will roll over every morning and wish you were there next to me. And in this however much longer it takes to be back together, I will spend every second of every day thinking of you, smiling, crying, wishing. And as our song says, "as many times as I blink, I will think of you."

Today I Saw Hope

Tonight I lay here in this apartment that feels like my home, in a city that has made me who I am, after a day spent walking through showers of falling leaves, wearing scarves and jackets and gloves, eating at old time favorite restaurants, running into people I know in the streets of downtown, running errands with Nick, and just living, living and breathing and feeling... more than I've been able to do in a long time. Today was one of those days that inspired me again, that I could look around at this fabulously beautiful city and know that this is where my heart is and has always been, knowing that this city is where I truly belong, where I fit, where I feel my best, where I feel "home." It's taken me a very long time to get to this place in my life where I can honestly answer that question that I used to hate so very much, "Where are you from?" I would honestly answer that question now, knowing that when I say Portland, Oregon, that is really my home, really the place that is all my own, a place that I moved to when I was just 18 and a place that shaped these last 5 years of my life totally. I would answer that question like this, "I am from a city with more bridges than freeways, a city that you can get anywhere walking downtown in 20 minutes, a city that has the most beautiful fall foliage you've ever seen, the best blankets of snow in the winter, the most beautiful blooms in the spring and the most fantastic color green you've ever seen in the summer. It's a city that many in the world have never been, but a city that people fall in love with. It's a place that I call home, a place where my dearest friends are, the place that I learned to love and to live on my own. It's the place that I saw grow up around me these past few years. It's a city where you run into people you know all the time and where the environment truly is always put first. It's a city that has plug in stations on the side of the road for electric cars, solar powered parking meters and countless recycle bins. It's a place that makes feel the most like me, it's the place that I know I belong. It's home."

Many in my life would think right now because I don't particularly like living in Hawaii and that everything that has happened since my move in June, that I regret taking that chance, making that change. But in fact, the opposite is more true. I don't regret leaving Portland at all, I don't regret needing to make a change, I don't regret moving away from Nick, because I have learned numerous priceless lessons and countless questions to hard questions that I had been asking myself for a very long time. I needed to move away to realize what I had here, I had to leave in order to find out where my heart really was. I had spent my college years here, loving it, but also dreaming of where I would end up. I've spent my entire life trying to figure out where I belonged: was it the part of me that grew up in a foreign country or was it the girl that spent her adolescent years on Oregon? I struggled so much with where I was from, with what part of me I was going to become and I found the answer through a few months of changes, experiences and most importantly, through faith. It took me about a month after leaving to realize a few very important answers to questions I needed to answer for myself.

I realized that first and foremost, while I still have that part of me that's the little half-Saudi, half-American girl inside of me, I am an Oregonian through and through. I call Portland home, and while I may not live there forever, while I may go out and experience other places all over the world, I will call Oregon my home, I will always come back to this city that I love so very much and will feel at peace here, I will feel right here, I will find solace in this place. There is no other place in the entire world that I feel more comfortable, that I feel more like myself and no other place that I can take one look at the city and I am breathless because this city holds not only so many precious memories, but vast hopes for the future.

In realizing that Portland will always be home, I also realized that the relationship I had left there was still more important to me than I had given it credit to be. I had gotten so caught up in all that was happening, graduation, the thrill of someplace new, a new career, a new life, that I forgot to realize some of the most important things in our lives: love, faith, family, peace, friends, trust, loyalty, and faithfulness. And out of this change, Nick and I have grown separately and together in the most amazing way. And while it took me a very long time to get to this point in my life, I know that there are moments when we will fight, moments when we'll disagree, but all in all, I don't want to go through that with anyone else. This separation has made us both realize, very independently of each other's decisions, that we want to be together, that we want to go through life's moments together and ultimately, what we feel is true, honest and happy.

To say that the past 5 months have been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. And there are nights when I cry myself to sleep because I feel so helpless, so unable to make a change, so discouraged at what has been presented to me as to what the world is like. And never in my life have I felt more naive, more unaware of what goes on in our world and what horrible people are out there. My mentor and teacher told me last week after a wonderful and very encouraging phone call, she said "that while these wrong things that people do are indeed very wrong, we must endure it. But we must always know ourselves that while we must endure it, they are not okay." It's people like her, like Nick, like family and friends that spoke those words of encouragement and understanding.

And it's days like today, when a decision I made on a whim was perhaps one of the best decisions I've made in a very long time, that cleared my mind, that gave me hope, that gave me faith. The past month I have felt so lost, like all faith had been lost, all hope gone but today I stood at the Riverfront, and stared out across the bridges, at the falling sheets of leaves, at the beautiful place where it all began for me. This was after all the place I fell in love, the place I stayed my first night alone in my first apartment, the place where I made some of my first real decisions about life, where I've met friends that will be in my life forever, where I graduated college, where I've celebrated with friends and family and cried with friends and family. This is after all the place where, when I first moved here, used to take the streetcar down to the riverfront and sit for hours on a park bench over looking the river, under the cloudy overcast sky, with gloves and scarves on, and listen to music and just write. I would write about the day, about the world, about my future, about falling in love, about the city, about life. And today, I stood there again, in that same spot, and suddenly I knew, that the things that I always believed in still do exist, I might just have to work a little harder to get them. I stood there and realized that I am still that girl, writing about love and life and faith, that I am still that girl with dreams. And while those dreams may have changed from what they used to be, they will come true someday, I will make sure of that.

I stood there today in my spot, in the spot that used to make me feel so whole, so alive and I felt it again today. Somehow this time of year, this city and that spot make it all come true for me, and I saw hope today. I saw faith returning and I can't wait to see what comes next.

Heart Pounding

Sometimes I have this dream. Usually we are somewhere with a lot of people around, a theater or arcade or something and it's noisy and it's crowded and I've met you there. And you sit me down and tell me that you don't want me anymore, that I'm who you love anymore. And every time I have this dream, I wake up grasping for air, heart pounding, and horrified at the thought of that someday happening. What makes us know for sure that the person we love won't do that to us, what's holds to them really? A piece of paper, a wedding ring on our finger, a promise?

In this society of divorce and heartbreak, how do we ever really know for sure that we won't be left in that crowded place, heart pounding, trying to grasp for air when the one person you've loved your whole life doesn't want you anymore. My dream feels so real, so true and I wake up with a real and very unnatural heartache. And so I sit here in the middle of the night, heart pounding still and arms shaking as I write this. I have this dream often and I hate it, I hate this feeling, I hate waking up with no one here but me, no one to hold when I have these dreams. I hate knowing now I'll have to wait until morning to talk to him, knowing that my life here isn't really a life because he's not here with me. I hate the feeling of not being able to roll over into his arms and feel safe again.

I don't feel safe, I don't feel right here. I don't fit. It's getting harder and harder everyday. All my smiles are fake, all my laughs are for show and sometimes I don't know if I can keep up the charade.

So here I sit, in the middle of the night, with my heart pounding in my chest, wishing I was there, in my bed, able to roll right over and hold on to him to ride out the storm.

Edward and Bella

In our world we are surrounded by amazing love stories, in movies and on tv, in songs. We are told to go for it, to leap for love. We are told that it's ok to fall in love in a week, to get married in a month. And while I'm no one to judge, I personally don't believe in love at first sight, I believe in "falling in love at first sight" which I think is a totally different thing. Someone on facebook said is nicely the other day... "love is what is left over after falling in love goes away." So very true and so very necessary. Love is what you acquire over the course of time, it's the feeling after 4 years with that person, it's still missing them, still wanting them.

I don't believe that love is found in a few months, or discovered in a week. I don't believe that you can give forever to someone that quickly, it's not fair to either person. I don't believe that love can just happen, while that's part of it, it's not the entire thing. Love is something you work toward, that makes you want to work for it, that you have to mature, and grow in it. Love does not mean happiness all the time, it means being happy and being upset, it means hurting and being loved, it means fighting and smiling, crying and laughing. That's life.

So when I look to the greatest love stories of my time, I don't look at Khloe Kardashian married after a month, or Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. I look to Edward and Bella, to Carrie and Mr. Big. I look to Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, I look to Charlotte and Harry, I look to Rufus and Lily and Marissa and Ryan. These are love stories that took time to develop, love stories to admire, love stories that took the time to fall in love and then afterwards... to just love.

And when I'm really feeling lonely and needing a reassuring love story, I take out Edward and Bella and read with them for a bit. A love story that transcends our culture today and in them... I find faith, and hope and love always.

for once

I don't know what I did this year or in my life for me to deserve all of this. I look around, and first of all, try to help those that I love and all I get back are emails that basically tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. Emails that keep me up at 5 in the morning because I can't think of anything else. It feels like so much I am being attacked from every angle latley, and at a time in my life where I need someone there for me the most, at one of the hardest and more depressing moments in my life, it seems that everyone else is just running around getting engaged, or more worried about football games than their own daughter. I'm so tired of everyone telling me to be patient and no one thinking that I'm worth any of that help. That someone else always goes first, someone else always gets their happy ending first.

Why is it that as I sit here in the bottom of this hole, everyone around me seems to be just flying by me, when they are the ones that should be looking closely at their own decisions. Yet everyone supports them, the bad decisions, the wrong choices, the too early engagements, but when it comes to me, when it comes to things that I want, I'm just told to wait. I'm told not yet, I'm told that "someday" it will happen, I'm told that this will pass. What did I ever do wrong to deserve these waves and waves crashing down on me. Emotionally I am a wreck, emotionally I have had it with friends and family and loved ones. I'm so sick of always coming last when I have been there and encouraged everyone else. I'm so sick of being told to wait.

I want to be worth the risk to leap... to do something to remember. I want someone to tell me that now is my time, that I can come first for once.

Not Another Word

Sometimes life throws us in a situations that challenge us, that make us go through things in order to get to others. Sometimes, we get to a point where all we want is something so badly and when we need it the most, everyone around us gets it first. It feels like my whole life, the things I've wanted have always happened for someone else first, and I'm always coming in last.

I guess that I have to learn to be patient, to let life happen as it's supposed to and when I least expect it, it will all come together. The challenging part is letting it happen, and letting myself just live. I sit here tonight on an island in the middle of the ocean, in my own world in the middle of nothing and everything and in between and I feel so ready for all my dreams to come true. I feel so ready to get to those moments that I've always wanted to experience and everything that I've always wondered if I want, I know so sure now that I do.

So sitting here tonight, I can look out over the millions of tiny lights, out over the black ocean, towards you, towards our future and I know that everything I dream about will happen someday, and that when it does, it will all have been worth it. So I will sit here, and not say another word. I will sit here and paint my nails and watch Sex and the City and just believe... that someday I'll get everything I want.

Next year

This morning, on my 23rd birthday, I sit here in a foreign hotel room, alone, wondering if this is the time of my life that everyone's telling me I should be living right now. All I want today is to find a way back home, to be back among those people that I love and that love me, to come home at night and feel like I'm truly "home." I miss that feeling, that feeling of comfort, of being able to know that I am in the right place.

And as I turn 23 today, I look back on my last few birthdays, all of which I have been surrounded by the most important people in my life, I have been happy, I have enjoyed the day, I have been blessed and here today, I know that I will look back at this birthday and it will be a moment in my life that I won't want to repeat again. So as I start the day, I guess I just have to remember that next year, I'll hopefully be back in that home I love, with the young man I miss every second of every day with those friends and family that make me happy. Next year will be a better birthday, one to remember.

Just You

I've come to find that sometimes even the people that love you most don't understand you and that sometimes even your parents won't totally know you and when you need them the most, they often disappoint the most. And sometimes there are things we face, things that break us, things that make us shed all those tears, and when those times come, we must be able to do what's right for us, what's best for us. I look outside at what many would call paradise, and I see nothing that inspires me, nothing that makes me want to get up and do this again. Whenever I used to be down, all I had to do was look outside, all I had to do was take a walk and just that city made me smile, inspired me and soothed me again. I never get that soothing here, I never can just come home and have a cup of tea and cuddle up next to the one person that makes me so happy. I have no inspiration any more, no way to find myself and I'm so worried that through that, I am falling deeper and deeper. Maybe this is the lowest point. Maybe if I could just crawl out, and make it out, I just wish so much that this wasn't my first experience with the world, that I could have been spared this.

Sometimes you come to find that the people that love you most don't understand you at all. Sometimes you just have to do what's best for you... no one else, just you.

Ever Again

As the tears roll down my cheeks again, I find myself in an all too familiar place. I sit here again, alone, wishing all was different, wishing that I was on that plane with him today, flying home, to the place we made a home together, to the place that houses all the things I need and want and love.

Every day I wonder how I will get back there, how I can be home again, back in his arms, back there, happy. I can't say goodbye anymore, I can't go through this every three weeks for however long we have left, and every single time, it kills me over and over again. It kills me letting him go, knowing that it's going to be another 4 weeks till I see him again, and then it will only be for 24 hours. It kills me that we're having to do this, that this is the way it has to be right now.

Every day I want to be there, not here. Every day I want to be with him and at this point, I'd give almost everything up for that to come true. But I guess for now, I just have to have faith, I have to believe that someday I will find a way, that something will work out and that something will make it all right again. But for now I must endure these goodbyes, I must find a way to get through them because I just have to know that someday I won't ever have to do this again.

Finding My Way

Sometimes I wonder if our mothers and their mothers before us got it all wrong. For generations we have built this society where a career should come before love, where a family and a big house in the suburbs should come before a long relationship with someone you really genuinely love and respect and just want to be with. Sometimes I wonder if all the feminine power that women have gained over the years was gained for the right reasons, and while I one of those girls that grew up thinking that I’d always choose a successful career over giving it all up for someone I love, I’ve realized in the past few months that I don’t know if I would anymore. And it’s in these past few months that have made me find out exactly what I want out of life and while I’m not extremely sure of the next year, what choices I will make and where I’ll be, I do know one thing and it’s something that took me a long time to realize… almost 23 year actually, and that is that when you find someone that you genuinely love, someone that makes you smile, that will sit at home with PF Changs take out and be happy just to be in sweats and watch a movie with you, you hold on to that, whatever that means you may give up. I’ve realized that when someone sees you 24 hours a day, at your best and at your worst, when they put up with your family and still want to go to family dinners with you even when you know there will be drama, that the things that seem like may be lost, only come back better as things you’ve found.
This year I have sat on countless plane rides, and for however many hours I’m flying, it seems like the trips bring something out inside of me I never felt before. Something that asks if this is all worth it, if the high I get from travel, if the dedication I exude in my work, in the independence I feel living on my own, if that’s all worth it, if it’s worth even a small fraction of what I pretend it is worth. And I think all the time about giving it all away to be with him, sometimes because I’m just lonely, I’ll admit, but most of the time it’s because I am finally at a point in my life where I have realized how very much love means, what home means. It means knowing that after the worst day you could have, he will be there when I come home at night, it means driving across the bridge and smiling down at our city together, the city where we met, where we both learned to how to love, and the city that made us grow up, while we got to do it together. It means maybe going out to eat every night of the week and getting sick of the same restaurants together, it means going to Target on the weekends and the grocery store.
And the more I think about it, the more I wonder how I got to this point. I’ve been with Nick for 4 years today, and it took me 4 years to really understand how I feel. It took me 4 years to realize that I never want anyone else, 4 years to realize that I would give up everything I’ve worked my whole life for in order to fly home and be with you. And in the words of the famous Mr. Big, “it took me a really long time to get here, but I’m here.”
I guess there are moments when suddenly you realize that everything you believed in never really existed, moments when you can’t wait for the next step, when you know that it is supremely right to be with someone and you genuinely and sincerely just want to be with them, for the rest of your lives.