for once

I don't know what I did this year or in my life for me to deserve all of this. I look around, and first of all, try to help those that I love and all I get back are emails that basically tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. Emails that keep me up at 5 in the morning because I can't think of anything else. It feels like so much I am being attacked from every angle latley, and at a time in my life where I need someone there for me the most, at one of the hardest and more depressing moments in my life, it seems that everyone else is just running around getting engaged, or more worried about football games than their own daughter. I'm so tired of everyone telling me to be patient and no one thinking that I'm worth any of that help. That someone else always goes first, someone else always gets their happy ending first.

Why is it that as I sit here in the bottom of this hole, everyone around me seems to be just flying by me, when they are the ones that should be looking closely at their own decisions. Yet everyone supports them, the bad decisions, the wrong choices, the too early engagements, but when it comes to me, when it comes to things that I want, I'm just told to wait. I'm told not yet, I'm told that "someday" it will happen, I'm told that this will pass. What did I ever do wrong to deserve these waves and waves crashing down on me. Emotionally I am a wreck, emotionally I have had it with friends and family and loved ones. I'm so sick of always coming last when I have been there and encouraged everyone else. I'm so sick of being told to wait.

I want to be worth the risk to leap... to do something to remember. I want someone to tell me that now is my time, that I can come first for once.

Not Another Word

Sometimes life throws us in a situations that challenge us, that make us go through things in order to get to others. Sometimes, we get to a point where all we want is something so badly and when we need it the most, everyone around us gets it first. It feels like my whole life, the things I've wanted have always happened for someone else first, and I'm always coming in last.

I guess that I have to learn to be patient, to let life happen as it's supposed to and when I least expect it, it will all come together. The challenging part is letting it happen, and letting myself just live. I sit here tonight on an island in the middle of the ocean, in my own world in the middle of nothing and everything and in between and I feel so ready for all my dreams to come true. I feel so ready to get to those moments that I've always wanted to experience and everything that I've always wondered if I want, I know so sure now that I do.

So sitting here tonight, I can look out over the millions of tiny lights, out over the black ocean, towards you, towards our future and I know that everything I dream about will happen someday, and that when it does, it will all have been worth it. So I will sit here, and not say another word. I will sit here and paint my nails and watch Sex and the City and just believe... that someday I'll get everything I want.

Next year

This morning, on my 23rd birthday, I sit here in a foreign hotel room, alone, wondering if this is the time of my life that everyone's telling me I should be living right now. All I want today is to find a way back home, to be back among those people that I love and that love me, to come home at night and feel like I'm truly "home." I miss that feeling, that feeling of comfort, of being able to know that I am in the right place.

And as I turn 23 today, I look back on my last few birthdays, all of which I have been surrounded by the most important people in my life, I have been happy, I have enjoyed the day, I have been blessed and here today, I know that I will look back at this birthday and it will be a moment in my life that I won't want to repeat again. So as I start the day, I guess I just have to remember that next year, I'll hopefully be back in that home I love, with the young man I miss every second of every day with those friends and family that make me happy. Next year will be a better birthday, one to remember.

Just You

I've come to find that sometimes even the people that love you most don't understand you and that sometimes even your parents won't totally know you and when you need them the most, they often disappoint the most. And sometimes there are things we face, things that break us, things that make us shed all those tears, and when those times come, we must be able to do what's right for us, what's best for us. I look outside at what many would call paradise, and I see nothing that inspires me, nothing that makes me want to get up and do this again. Whenever I used to be down, all I had to do was look outside, all I had to do was take a walk and just that city made me smile, inspired me and soothed me again. I never get that soothing here, I never can just come home and have a cup of tea and cuddle up next to the one person that makes me so happy. I have no inspiration any more, no way to find myself and I'm so worried that through that, I am falling deeper and deeper. Maybe this is the lowest point. Maybe if I could just crawl out, and make it out, I just wish so much that this wasn't my first experience with the world, that I could have been spared this.

Sometimes you come to find that the people that love you most don't understand you at all. Sometimes you just have to do what's best for you... no one else, just you.

Ever Again

As the tears roll down my cheeks again, I find myself in an all too familiar place. I sit here again, alone, wishing all was different, wishing that I was on that plane with him today, flying home, to the place we made a home together, to the place that houses all the things I need and want and love.

Every day I wonder how I will get back there, how I can be home again, back in his arms, back there, happy. I can't say goodbye anymore, I can't go through this every three weeks for however long we have left, and every single time, it kills me over and over again. It kills me letting him go, knowing that it's going to be another 4 weeks till I see him again, and then it will only be for 24 hours. It kills me that we're having to do this, that this is the way it has to be right now.

Every day I want to be there, not here. Every day I want to be with him and at this point, I'd give almost everything up for that to come true. But I guess for now, I just have to have faith, I have to believe that someday I will find a way, that something will work out and that something will make it all right again. But for now I must endure these goodbyes, I must find a way to get through them because I just have to know that someday I won't ever have to do this again.

Finding My Way

Sometimes I wonder if our mothers and their mothers before us got it all wrong. For generations we have built this society where a career should come before love, where a family and a big house in the suburbs should come before a long relationship with someone you really genuinely love and respect and just want to be with. Sometimes I wonder if all the feminine power that women have gained over the years was gained for the right reasons, and while I one of those girls that grew up thinking that I’d always choose a successful career over giving it all up for someone I love, I’ve realized in the past few months that I don’t know if I would anymore. And it’s in these past few months that have made me find out exactly what I want out of life and while I’m not extremely sure of the next year, what choices I will make and where I’ll be, I do know one thing and it’s something that took me a long time to realize… almost 23 year actually, and that is that when you find someone that you genuinely love, someone that makes you smile, that will sit at home with PF Changs take out and be happy just to be in sweats and watch a movie with you, you hold on to that, whatever that means you may give up. I’ve realized that when someone sees you 24 hours a day, at your best and at your worst, when they put up with your family and still want to go to family dinners with you even when you know there will be drama, that the things that seem like may be lost, only come back better as things you’ve found.
This year I have sat on countless plane rides, and for however many hours I’m flying, it seems like the trips bring something out inside of me I never felt before. Something that asks if this is all worth it, if the high I get from travel, if the dedication I exude in my work, in the independence I feel living on my own, if that’s all worth it, if it’s worth even a small fraction of what I pretend it is worth. And I think all the time about giving it all away to be with him, sometimes because I’m just lonely, I’ll admit, but most of the time it’s because I am finally at a point in my life where I have realized how very much love means, what home means. It means knowing that after the worst day you could have, he will be there when I come home at night, it means driving across the bridge and smiling down at our city together, the city where we met, where we both learned to how to love, and the city that made us grow up, while we got to do it together. It means maybe going out to eat every night of the week and getting sick of the same restaurants together, it means going to Target on the weekends and the grocery store.
And the more I think about it, the more I wonder how I got to this point. I’ve been with Nick for 4 years today, and it took me 4 years to really understand how I feel. It took me 4 years to realize that I never want anyone else, 4 years to realize that I would give up everything I’ve worked my whole life for in order to fly home and be with you. And in the words of the famous Mr. Big, “it took me a really long time to get here, but I’m here.”
I guess there are moments when suddenly you realize that everything you believed in never really existed, moments when you can’t wait for the next step, when you know that it is supremely right to be with someone and you genuinely and sincerely just want to be with them, for the rest of your lives.

Chance

These past four months have been the most emotionally draining of my life, and never have I been so conflicted in my life. I thought this was the easy part, first job, new city. But everyday feels like it last for years and I never have a day that I feel whole anymore, never a day that goes by that I don't wish I was somewhere else. There is so much people don't know about what's happened here, so much that I don't feel like I at liberty to share, so much that I don't agree with, so much that would only make them all worry about me.

I just want so badly to jump on a plane and forget it all, hide out in Portland from it all. From the moment I heard about this job, it scared me to take it. It scared me to be here, in this place I don't like; it scared me to take a job at a firm my dad works closely with; it scared me to go into this unsure. But I did because it was really my only option, I did it to please my parents and to have a salary. I did it to move forward and to find answers that I thought I needed. I did it for them, not for me. This wasn't my first choice, my second or even my third, it was my only choice.

I pray every day, that in a few months I'll be able to find something else. That I'll have the strength to pull myself away from here, that I'll have the opportunities to chase, that I'll be able to leave and find something else back home.

I have to pull myself out of this depression and this hole I'm in here, out of this life that I dislike so much. I just hope and pray that a chance comes around.

At the End of the Day

Tonight, I sit here in my apartment looking out of the thousands of tiny lights of Honolulu, over the dark ocean, over hundreds of people living their lives, in thousands of different ways. I sit here overlooking those that are religious, those that haven't ever set foot in a church in their lives; women and men, children and adults; those that are gay and those that are straight; those that are white, black, Hawaiian, Asian. And as I sit here, in my mind are the millions of comments made by people over the years, some more recently than others, that come up with ways to hold some back and put others ahead. For the first time today though, I heard something truly profound, something that truly made me sit here and write this tonight, something that coming from a mother, from a wife, from a woman that made me sit back and truly appreciate my beliefs even more.

I sit here as a young woman, a woman that believes full heartedly in the rights of gay marriage, in women's rights and equal opportunities. I sit here having friends of all races, of a young woman in the working community that deals with derogatory comments made toward groups of people every day. And in a world in such a mess, sometimes I can't help but just sit back and wonder where we went wrong. When we have a woman that would tell you that she's a Christian, that attends church regularly, the mother of a son who has come out as being gay, that she could sit there and look me in the face and tell me that gay marriage shouldn't be allowed because the only reason for marriage is to have children. It made me sick that such a theory even exists in our world today, that someone could even come up with that reason, as an excuse, as a way to say that that's the reason that two people that love each other, regardless of race or gender or ethnicity, should be stopped from having the civil liberties that the straight community has. I ask you tonight, if the tables were flipped, if you were in that position, leaving gender and race aside, letting emotions take the lead, letting your heart feel, and if you loved someone, why should you have to give up that union?

I could also raise the point of myself... am I subject to that rule as well then? As a young woman that doesn't want to have children of my own, knowing at an early age that that life isn't meant for me, should I not be allowed to be married either? Should I have my liberties taken away because of who I am? I think we get so off track in our society, we forget to give each other the benefit of being different, of wanting different things in life. Not all girls grow up wanting the fairy tale wedding and the perfect two little kids running around the big house in the suburbs. I've never wanted that, that was the never the life for me.

We are not all the same, nor should we be. Yet we should have respect for each other at least, respect enough to believe that God loves us all equally, that he doesn't pick and choose who can love and who can't, that he doesn't look down and say because you fell in love with someone, that that makes you anything less than anyone else. He doesn't discriminate - we do.

I think that there are moments in life when you really realize who a person is. It may be after just meeting them, or it might be years and years down the road. But in that moment you see the real person they are, and so often the people I see are a disgrace to this world we live in, and it's people like that, comments like that, that are the worse sins of all. I may not be the perfect person, and I have made my own share of many mistakes, but I believe we all deserve the right to be happy, no matter gay or straight, man or woman, houses in the suburbs or apartments in the city, whatever we are, whoever we become, if our lives don't hurt other people, if we live as good people and help this world to be a better place than what harm does a union between two people that love each other cause?

And at the end of the day, I have to wonder, in this world that seems to take 1 step forward and 10 steps back, how is it that we got to the point where loving someone isn't allowed? I'm not asking us to move mountains, or to change your beliefs, or to give up your own rights at all - I'm asking you to think about if it was you, or your son or daughter, or your brother or your friend. Shouldn't we all be allowed to be happy, to marry the people we love, to become the people we are, gay or straight, women that want children of their own and women that don't? When did wanting to spend your life with someone become wrong?

Disappoint

Why is it that all at once, we feel lost, like there is no one to fall back on, no one to catch us when we need it the most? Why is it when dissapointment is all around us, when it seems our whole lives are filled with people that disappoint us, in sitatuations that make us lose faith is everyone and everything in our lives, that it all hits at once? And when we need those people the most, more disappointment follows.

Some things never change I guess.. all I can hope for is to someday find someone, somewhere that isn't always a disappointment.

Thousands of Tiny Lights

Sometimes our lives present themselves to us in meandering paths, in journeys that we must take in order to really realize what we're meant to be. I've always been the girl that didn't necessarily believe in getting married, that didn't ever want to really settle down, that thought I could handle the world on my own. And then a moment came, a moment as I sat alone in a hotel room in Seoul, a moment that finally everything clicked in to place in my mind, a moment when I knew that all that really mattered was to be with him, a moment when I finally realized that I want to someday walk down that aisle and see him at the other end. And in that moment, it was all so clear, so right, when so much else in my life was going wrong. And in those few thoughts, in at moment of clarity, suddenly I had this hope to hold on to and every doubt I've ever had was lifted, and I knew at once that he is the only one that I want to be with, that he is the only one that understands me totally, the one that I want all my dreams to come true with. He is the one that makes me smile and the voice that lifts my mood. He is the one that I could lay next to forever, and the one that I would be willing to give it all up for.

And sometimes when moments like that approach us, they approach us at times in our lives when we need it the most. And so as this year drags on and I am encountering some very difficult days, I have that piece of hope in my mind, that piece of hope that I know will come. And while it may not happen right away, I know that it will. I know that it will happen, that I will walk down the aisle at sunset, with thousands of tiny lights over head, with that perfect song playing, with everyone I love there to support me, and I will look into his eyes and say those two little words that mean forever. And I know that when that day comes we will look back on everything we've been through and know that the decision is true, that's it's pure and that everything we went through was for a reason.

So as I look ahead, even through this is going to be a very long trek to get back home to him, I know that it will all work out somehow and that whatever is meant to be will be.

The Deepest

Whatever happened to the days when we could lay in bed and get so wrapped up in a book that we never got up? Or the days when love conquered all, when we could rush to each other's side at any sign of fire? Lately, I'm finding every reason to cry, every reason to hate, every reason to be unhappy and it's all so easy to find those emotions in my life right now. I'm spending so much energy putting on a front to every one in my life, a front that I'm happy, well at least content, that I love my job, that I'm doing alright on my own. And inside, with everything I've gone through here, everything I've put up with in my job, everything that I've dealt with with my family and the emotional roller coaster I feel like I'm constantly living in my long distance relationship, I don't have any energy left at the end of the day, and then people wonder why I'm so exhausted at 8 o'clock.

Growing up, no one ever explains to you how to make the tough decisions, or that boys will break your heart over and over or that family will let you down. It's all the stories about how the men in your life are supposed to race through the airport after you, how living your own life will make you independent, how careers will form right before your eyes and you'll truly make a difference. And then you get here... to this point in your life, in a job in which the company has disappointed you beyond belief, in a relationship across an ocean that made you come here in the first place, and in the middle of family issues that have you scarred forever. And then you wonder, is this really what's it all supposed to be? Is this what I've been dreaming of my whole life? And maybe it's because my dreams were above what normal expectations should be, maybe it's because in the end, everybody just ends up disappointing me, maybe it's because I expect too much from everyone, even myself. Maybe it's because the support I need, the support I used to have is gone, maybe it's because every day I wake up and wish I wasn't here.

And after all of it, after thinking I could master the world, go after my dreams, maybe I can't. Maybe I don't have it in me, maybe everything and everyone that I thought would be there for me, won't ever step up to be there. What happened to the romance? The idealistic dreams? What happened to surprises and moments when I thought the world would stop turning? I don't know what happened to them but they aren't here, they aren't in me anymore. This past four months has changed me inside, and sometimes beyond recognition of myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who this girl is, there's nothing here to hold on to anymore.

I feel like there really isn't anything to hold on to anymore, and every time I feel like I finally get a firm grip on something, on him, on home, on family, my grip fails and I'm falling once again. Sometimes there is nothing in my life to hold on to, sometimes the only emotions I feel in this world make me the loneliest I've ever been. All I want is to be home, wrapped up in a blanket watching the rain pour down outside... but that won't happen... and who knows how long it will be till it does.

City of Peace

It's things about home that can't help but make you smile and feel whole again. It's the construction finished on a building that you've watched from the beginning, it's being in your lovers arms again in a home that you made together. It's seeing those faces around town that you haven't seen for months, it's walking in your city and smiling at the quirks that you've missed so much. It's the trees, more lush than ever, it's the air, it's the feeling inside your heart that feels like peace, that feels like everything that was missing is put back together again. It's the feeling of knowing that when you wake up you'll be waking up here in his arms, knowing that tomorrow will be as beautiful as today.

It's the smallest things that make such a difference, like the way the city streets feel under your feet, the way the max sounds when it's making the corner against the rails in Goose Hollow and the Pearl district at night. It's the places that so many memories were made and it's seeing the smile on your own face. It's the light breeze, just enough for a jacket and the beginnings of fall. It's a few days that you can escape where you are and admire this city for all it is, admire it for how beautiful it truly is, regardless of everything else.

It's days like this that truly keep me alive, that make my eyes blue, that make my smile exist. It's moments like this in my city that I can smile and know that here I fit, here I am loved, here I exist, and perhaps will always. And while I know that tomorrow brings another plane trip (becoming a constant in my life) back to another home, I will always have this city in my heart and I will always have this city in my soul. And no matter how long I am away, or how long my life pulls in other directions, this is where I will always be home, this is where I will always find peace, in his arms, in this city of peace.

Back in our City

I think that sometimes we must say goodbye in order to love again, in order to feel again. Sometimes we must spread our own wings instead of living under someone else's. Sometimes the truest love we'll ever know is the one that just makes us better people, someone you just love to be with, someone that just makes you smile. It's sad to see so many people in this world so bitter about love lost or what has happened to them. It's sad to see them have lost all their faith in love, in what at one point made them so happy.

It took me a while to get to this point, it took four years to realize my mistakes, to realize what's ahead. And while I always thought I might end up here, I can fully say now that I am here, so sure of where I am headed, so sure of what is truly important in my life. And when I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning, he is the first thing I think about. As I go through my days, he is all that's on my mind. And when I think about my future, he is the only constant I see.

For a while I was worried that all my dreams would have to be put aside in order to be that girl, that girl so in love with the boy she's known for so long, but I've realized now that it doesn't have to be like that. I've realized now that I can have him and my dreams and that our love, our commitment, our strength will carry us through.

So my love, hold on just a little longer and before you know it I'll be back in your arms, back in our city, back together, forever and for always.

Every Second

There were moments the last few days when I felt truly whole again, moments when I felt like nothing could ruin anything, like for the first time in my life, I truly knew where I am meant to be, who I am meant to be, where my true home is. My whole life I've been searching for that something that would complete me. That feeling most people have when they go home to family, that feeling of knowing that there is one place in this world that will always be there for you to return to, that place that soothes your soul and makes all your problems fade away. For me, I've always struggled with finding that until two days ago.

This move has been one of the hardest and most bitter sweet things in my life. While it has opened so many doors, it has also made me much farther away from others. And while I can't wait to be back there living my life again, I also know that I must make the most of it while I am here. I also know that I must find a way to keep going even though my heart is aching ever more every day. I know that this happened for a reason and that it will all work out for me as time goes on.

So tonight as the evening fades, I am going to pretend that the leaves are changing and that you are here by my side, holding me close, your fingers filling the spaces between mine. The night turns light blue outside and after only leaving just hours ago, I can't help but feel lost again, and broken down. I felt so whole for two days, the first time in my life I've felt so complete, so truly meant to be somewhere and it's gone, not forever, but gone for tonight, for now. There is so much I miss, so much I want to have tonight but can't. There are no leaves changing colors, no fall breeze, no Portland. And as much as I try to pretend that it's here, as much I try to accept a different kind of scene, I still can't help but feel a bit broken up again. Every day this gets harder, every hour, every second, all I want is to be back home.

The Most Beautiful Place

My whole life I've made a decision and known what I wanted. I have always been steadfast to what is important to me and so why would that be different when I fell in love. And after 4 years with the boy I fell in love with the first time I met him, I still to this day know that he is what I am destined to be. We'll always be "Casey and Nick" and in that, if you know us, means a lot. I've watched my friends go through lovers, found and then lost. I've watched my family split apart. I've seen life in the eyes of so many different people and places and through it all, I am here, still steadfast in the decision my heart made for me so long ago.

4 years ago I was just a young, naive, innocent girl, 18, on my own for the first time, dealing with demons and insecurities. And it was at that time in my life that I met Nick. That all the pieces fell into place, that I knew in an instant that he was my the perfect match for me. It was in that instant that I first saw him in the dorms watching football on TV, with his tanned skin, his dark hair and his hat tilted just a little to the side that my life changed. It was that first night he slept over at my apartment, that first morning waking up next to him, that showed me what love really is. It's the memories we've made and the things we know about each other than no one else in the world knows. It's the trust we have in each other and the loyalty we feel. It's the smallest moments like holding his hand or a kiss on the cheek that truly explains our love. It's never been about being all over each other for us, for us, it goes much deeper than that. For us, it's always been natural, never with a need to "show it off." For us, our love has always been about moments that we cherish, feelings so deep that we can understand them on the same level together. For us, it's always been about overcoming the challenges, to take what we've been given and do what we feel.

It hasn't been easy or perfect by any means but it has been rewarding and a kind of relationship that sustains itself without any outside influence. And even now, miles apart, it's as if these 4 years have flown by. It's as if suddenly my life has come to a point where suddenly it all makes sense and I can see the road ahead, while narrow at some parts, expanding into the open sunrise, winding its way to the most beautiful place.

In the Rain

I'm here in your heart,
always have been, always will be.
I'm the girl that flew away,
the girl that needed her space,
the girl that needed to find her own life,
the girl that flew away,
to find what I thought was right.

I'm here in the sunshine,
while you're there in the rain,
and I never thought I'd miss the rain so very much,
I never thought I'd be so lost on my own,
that you were everything that was right.

I'm here on my own tonight,
waiting in the dark for my life to go back
to how it used to be.
I'm here on my own tonight,
wondering why I had to fly away,
wondering why I ever thought distance was best.

I am here in your heart tonight,
so many miles away, but so close in love,
so close in thought, so close in spirit.
I'm here in the sunshine, while you're in the rain,
in our rain, in the life I left behind.

Soon

Why is it that when we get all that we want, there is always something more that we wish for? Why is it when we have so much right, that still it feels somewhat wrong? Why is it that sometimes we could dream forever about all the things we want but when we get them, or a version of them anyways, that suddenly they aren't enough? For me, my dreams were everything, and to an extent they still are, but it seems that everyday, my heart is changing and I am finding more and more that there are other things that my heart is craving too.

Love. Family. Home. Familiarity. Comfort. Peace. These are just a few things I am craving at the moment... a few things that I miss dearly and that I hope to have again someday soon.

The Chase

Sometimes in life we hope for the best and never quite get it. Sometimes we dream for that perfect guy to come chasing after us, for the people that would give anything to be with us, sometimes that's just all a fairy tale. Sometimes the things we think we want are the things that we'll never get and when the time comes to choose between the things we dream of and the things that make us happy... will our choice turn out to disappoint us? If we give up something we've always wanted for someone that we hope will be willing to do the same, will they do it for us or will all be in vain?

There are moments when all I want, when my world would be put back together if I could just get an answer. If I could get something to tell me that what I'm doing, what I plan to do will be worth it. Some act, some moment when once again my faith will be restored. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the world trying, that everybody else slides by and then there's me, always worrying, always holding the world on my shoulders, or so it seems. Sometimes I wonder why I do it, why I put my heart out there, and why time and time again I'm hurt.

It seems that after finally realizing what's important to me, after finally realizing that love is so much more important than some of my dreams, once again, I feel lost. Once again, my heart is hurting because at a time when so much is happening, all I want is someone to tell me that it'll be okay and that I'm worth chasing.

My City

As time gets closer and closer to being in Oregon again, I find myself counting down the days. Never have I missed something so much, and I've come to find that I'll always consider it home, even though I never grew up there, even though I've been all over the world, I will always find the peace and comfort of "home" in the best kept secret place in the world, in Oregon.

Sometimes I look out my window and pretend that it's the streets of the Pearl, or the river at sunset, or Pioneer Square, or NW 23rd. Sometimes I can see in my head so clearly the drive up burnside, the morning walks to school, the 405 bridge when the sun is setting over the mountains. I miss the way it rains in Oregon, the way it gets so grey, but the most beautiful shade of grey. I miss the restaurant tables spilling out in to the sidewalk in the summer time and the random people you see all over town. I miss being able to walk everywhere and be there in 20 minutes. I miss wearing jackets and feeling like I belong. I miss the beautiful buildings, the tree covered streets of Goose Hollow. I miss the first few weeks of fall, when you can feel a fresh change coming. I miss knowing I am only an hour away from my grandparents and my brother. I miss Red Robin and Mazatlan and Macaroni Grill. I miss coffee on my way to school and riding the MAX. I miss always having my umbrella with me in the winter and the scarves and the gloves. I miss the waiters knowing me at PF Changs and ice cream runs to Cold Stone or Gelato in the pearl. I miss the easiness, the familiarity, I miss feeling like I'm home at the end of the day. I miss the airport in Portland and the drives down to Medford. I miss the trees, and the air, and the field and field driving south on I5.

I know why I left and I know that when it came down to it, I didn't really have a choice. I knew I needed to change in order to really appreciate what I had, that I'd never love Portland as much as I love it now that I've left. I knew somehow that I had to move away to experience other things in order to know that I had to come back someday, to love it even more, to know that it's where I'm meant to be. I knew that I had some difficult decisions to make, that I had to chase some dreams before I could keep on going how I was. And now I know that Portland, that Oregon is in my heart, in my soul and in my mind, forever, it's a place that forever I will call home, that forever I will be apart of, whether I am there or not.

And everyday when I get to work and turn on my computer, there it is, right there on my screen everyday, that city that made me who I am, that city that I will return to someday, that city that is in my dreams and my thoughts all the time.

25

I was re-reading some old emails from loved ones tonight and suddenly I felt a bit inspired to something on my blog a bit different from what I usually do. I got to thinking about all the amazing memories I've had and all the incredible things I've experienced in my young life. Below is a list of my top 25 memories (though there are so many more, these are the ones that I feel have shaped me the most)... of moments that have changed me, that have made me who I am, moments that have been the hardest or the best moments of my life and through all of them... I have grown, I have loved and I have lived.

25. Presenting my college Thesis to an audience and having it so warmly accepted and acknowledged.
24. Renting an apartment totally on my own for the first time... and spending all my own money to get it together and set up.
23. Meeting my childhood friends 12 years after I left Saudi and feeling totally comfortable with them even after than long span of time apart.
22. Having my childhood pets die... within months of each other.
21. Making the decision to change colleges and never regretting it.
20. Losing my aunt to family fights and misunderstandings, an aunt that was one of my best friends and confidantes and who is no longer in my life.
19. Saying goodbye to Nick when I left Seattle, moving to Hawaii.
18. Watching my little brother graduate from high school and being so proud of him.
17. Leaving Saudi, leaving my childhood behind and losing everything I knew and the year that followed - one of the hardest years of my life.
16. Finally figuring out for sure what I wanted to do with my life... knowing that my passion truly lay in the design field and going after that dream.
15. Moving in With Nick - through all the ups and downs of that experience
14. Afternoon teas and lunches with my grandma... a woman that I would not be myself without
13. My senior year with my mom when my dad was gone - a year that changed my life and that made my mom and I closer than we ever would have been otherwise
12. My first night in my apartment in Portland, I'll never forget that feeling... so alive, lonely and anxious all at the same time
11. My first "date" with Nick - I knew I wanted to be with him and I knew that it was meant to be
10. The first time that I could support myself financially all on my own
9. The death of my great uncle - seeing and experiencing that made me truly understand death and made me wonder how I'd ever survive the death of someone close to me
8. Meeting Nick's family for the first time.
7. Mending the relationship with my dad - after my senior year of high school I was barely speaking to him and through the years... we've become the closest we've ever been
6. My first car - which I still have that I am so attached to
5. Turning 20 - for the first time I really felt like an adult, and I knew my path and was taking the steps to complete it
4. Nick and I's first kiss
3. Graduating college with honors and having my entire family there to support me
2. The first morning that Nick spent the night at my apartment and waking up next to him in his arms
1. The moment when I realized that no matter how many ups and downs we face, Nick is the one and only person in this world that I can tell anything to, the one person that I want to be with over anyone else and the one person that will always understand me more than anyone else ever could.

Test

You know... sometimes we break, sometimes we fall, sometimes we sit in a hotel room alone in a foreign country and wonder if it is all worth it. Sometimes we are so exhausted and overwhelmed that we forget why we do what we do and we lose a little part of who we are. I have been there, down, lost, exhausted, irritated and hurt, and yet tonight, as I sit here in my beautiful apartment, at my new table, overlooking the city as the day comes to end, once again rested, relieved and anxious to get back to work, to do what I love doing, it makes it all worth it.

It makes everything be put into perspective, into a new way to live, and makes you consider all that you've done and all that you plan to do. Once again, I have love in my life, support in my life, travel, design, a career, my own money, my own place and a city that I have such a love/hate relationship with. I think that sometimes all we need are a few good things put together to make us realize that in our deepest hours when we feel alone and lost, that we do have all the things we've always wanted.

It's the moments like this, here tonight in a city that has taken so much from me but also given so much in such a short period of time, that we can truly realize all that we have and all that will chase in the future. I have the best boyfriend in the world, supporting my every step and while he may not take every step with me, I know he's there to catch me if I fall back. I have a loving family, parents who understand me and let me be who I am and do what I think is right, whether they think it is or not... they trust completely. I have friends that I can talk to when I need but let me live my own life too and they live their own as well. I have a career, opportunities to travel, to grow, to challenge myself. I have an education and dreams that will take me far.

What more could I ask for in life? What more could I need? Life makes you think often about what we have, especially when we're alone and lost, when we in that little hotel room in a foreign country, exhausted, drained, hurt and alone. We have to feel those things to feel the good afterwards. We have to know lost love, hurt and pain, fear and anxiety and lonliness in order to feel happiness, eagerness and love. It's the deepest moments when our faith is tested the most, when our love is tested the most, when our lives and who we are are tested the most.

Grown Up

There just happen to be some people in this world that regardless of how many years you've spent apart, will always know you, respect you and care. And even though years may pass, it's those childhood friends that you grew up with, that never seem like strangers. And maybe for me, it's because I grew up in a very unique situation and perhaps, it's because those that grew up with me know the same feelings, the same memories, the same people that make me feel so comfortable around them after all this time.

It's ironic, that here in Hawaii, I've reconnected with two of the boys I grew up with, two of them that's kept in contact in with over the years but haven't seen since I left the Middle East. And in a place that has taken so much from me, I guess it's also given me a few things in return as well. There is something about a childhood friend, that always makes you feel like you know them, maybe better than most, And sometimes when you are missing everything in your life, it's a night out with the kid you grew up with that makes all okay, at least for now, for a while.

Cry and Pray and Dream

I have learned so much in my young life and while I don't think that I've learned nearly all that I am supposed to in life, I have found that certain things are meant to be and you can't run from those no matter how hard you try. I have learned that sometimes what makes the most sense doesn't feel right and the people we thought we shouldn't love are the ones that we need to love the most. I let go of a love that I thought wasn't going to work only to find out that it's the only thing in my life that kept me whole. I have learned that sometimes even if you have no idea where something might lead, you should do it anyways and worry about it later. I have learned that you should do what you love and you should cry and pray and dream.

I have learned that sometimes home is where you least expect it, and that the place you thought wouldn't be the place you wanted might just sooth your soul more than you thought. I have learned that the most exciting journey in life is the one that you have no idea is coming. And the most exciting days might be laying in bed with someone you love reading a book.

I have learned that distance truly does make the heart grow fonder, but only after soul searching and finding your true self first. I have learned that sometimes nothing feels better than a shower at night and letting your hair dry in the evening air and that sleeping for a whole red eye flight might just be the best way to travel. I have learned that you have to roll with the punches, cry if you must and get back up and start fighting again. I have learned that it is still a man's world but that doesn't mean that as women we should give up. I have seen people lose faith in things that we must believe in and I have learned that as humans we want the quickest answer, when often times, it's the most thought out one that will work the miracles we need. I have learned that sometimes buying a new song and listening to it over and over is the most soothing thing in the world and finally being in the real world and being able to hold your own is the fulfilling moment you'll ever have.

I believe that someday I'll commit my life to someone and hopefully that someone will be the boy that I have always loved. I believe that whether that means marriage or a deep devotion that only we know, it will change our lives. I have learned that often times the most successful relationships are those that don't try to be what they're not and the ones that know each other better than themselves. I have learned that people around you will tell you things they see, though you shouldn't always listen because only truly can we see the full image in our own eyes and our own hearts.

I believe in crying, tears and dreams. In faith and hope and love. I believe in the power of healing and the hope of tomorrow. I have learned to cry, to pray, and to dream.

All the Little Things

I miss all the little things. I miss the way PF Changs smelled in our little apartment and the way the city looked through the bare trees. I miss the smell of the city after the rain and the 45 minute drive to my grandparents. I miss the Pearl and watching movies every night. I miss waking up next to you and sleeping in. I miss the Saturday errands and BJ's at Jantzen Beach. I miss Mexico in Seattle and weekend trips to Medford. I miss curling up on that old sofa and taking a nap in your arms and lunch on the sidewalk at Macaroni Grill. I miss you being there to hold me when I cry and meeting you for lunch. I miss going to movies and breakfast at Starbux. I miss the evening walks and drives to Burgerville. I miss Red Robin.

I miss the sunsets and the family dinners in Salem. I miss the cold, the blankets and the heaters. I miss the pictures of Paris and the feeling of home. I miss my pink Kitchen aid mixer and doing my own laundry. I miss us, the inside jokes, the easy communication with no words at all. I miss you knowing exactly what I need and knowing that at the end of the day, I can come home to you. I miss knowing that no matter how horrible my day is, I won't be alone. I miss all of it, and I miss you every single day.

And never have I felt so alone, lost and torn apart as I do now. And suddenly this city I thought I loved so much is nothing like the home I need now. There are so many little things I miss, so many little things that I never thought I needed that turned out to be the only things that makes life worthwhile.

All I want

Sometimes I feel like no where is right, that I'm so lost in the middle of something that I don't know where the end is, where the light at the tunnel will come out. It seems that more often than not, we are disappointed in life, disappointed by those we love, disapointed by colleagues, by friends. And at the end of the day, do we really even have anyone other than ourselves? Do we really have anyone we can count on to be there, just to be there and not make you feel worse than you already do?

Is there really any relationship between anyone that never has that? OR is that what we're just supposed to deal with throughout life? I'm tired of being hurt, and I'm tired of putting myself entirely out there for others to rip apart. So what's the answer, do we just stay by ourselves, be alone, seclude ourselves from the rest of the world? Do we just protect ourselves from it all, from the disappointment over and over again or do we just withstand it and let the tears fall?

Right now, what I need most of all is a home to go to, a place that I know and love, a place that needs me just like I need it and yet, I don't have anywhere like that in my life. I don't have that place that will always be there, a place that will comfort me when I need it the most. And right now, that's all I really want.

All the Wrong Places

Sometimes there are moments when we think we can't pick ourselves back up. Sometimes there are moments when we need the warm touch and loving arms of someone we love. Sometimes we need a great cup of coffee or a night to go to bed early and sleep in late. There are so many times in our lives when what we need most is that one person that understands us, and when we realize that maybe what we had really is what we want, that suddenly everything starts to make sense again. For a long time I was pushing so much away when all I really wanted was for it to be close, for it to pull me in and never let me go.

I miss Portland so much, and i miss the rain and the city and the the river. And while I may not be ready to be back there forever, I am ready to see it again. To feel the Oregon rain, the air, the cobblestone streets, the people I love, the places I've known for so long. There are moments when I'd throw it all away and go back there, just to be there again, and then again, I have moments where I feel like I'll need to wander forever. Sometimes I wonder why I'm so indecisive, why my mind can't stay on one thing for long, why I get so restless from place to place.

I think for so long all I wanted was to grow up, to be on my own, to figure it all out on my own and suddenly I'm finding more and more that what I wanted all along was someone to grow up with, someone to love me for me and someone to wander with me, if that's what it takes.

There are moments when I wonder about it all and there are moments when I look around me and can't believe what I have. There are times when all I want is to be back in his arms, and times when I want to run free forever, if only he were there to run with me, I could have it all... though I don't think that's the point of life. You're not supposed to have it all, because if you did, you'd never make decisions and learn lessons. You'd never grow and you'd never love and lose and learn. And so tonight in Seoul, ready to go home, not sure where home is and wishing it was september, my heart is everywhere at once and perhaps in alll the wrong places.

Rain

Its so easy to get lost in the shuffle of life, in the movement, in the change, in the future. It's so easy to say you'll do that later or you'll get to it when you can. It's so easy to work till 9 o'clock at night and wonder where the time went, but we must stop and acknowledge the lives we're living. Today I sat in a food court in Seoul, on the 8th floor of a department store in Dongdaemun and as I sat and looked out the window, the rain poured down around me. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like this was such a moment of bliss, a moment where the world stopped and the rain soothed me, brought me back to a better place in my mind. I've been so busy lately, in and out of the country, working all the time and for just a minute, I could stop and sit and watch as the rain, every part of my soul, cleansed all the chaos away.

I reminded me of Portland, looking down at the city below, at the rain washing the city clean. I have so missed this kind of rain, it's not what I get in Hawaii, but real rain, large blue drops of rain. I've missed that since I left Portland and finally today I got it again, at a time when I needed it the most.

And so tonight as I fall asleep, I'll pray for more rain tomorrow because this city is so beautiful in the rain and because the rain makes me feel whole again.

Never Say Never

Sometimes nothing makes sense and you don't have the answers to anything. Sometimes you have no idea where you're headed, but I guess that that's the best and more beautiful part of life isn't it? Not knowing where you'll be going or who you'll meet or where you'll live or jobs you'll have, friends you'll keep, family you'll find. I guess it's a unique perspective of mine, and while many cannot agree with me, for me, I always thought that I had to have everything planned out, that everything had to happen just like I thought it should. And over the years, as life has happened and I've learned and loved and grown, at this point in my life, I don't want to know where I'm headed, or where I'll be or who I'll meet. I want it all to be a surprise, a beautiful addition to my young life.

I like the chaos, I like the unknown, it makes everything so much more beautiful. And for years I've listened to my mom tell me to "never say never" because in her life, no one could have ever guessed all the places she went or the people she loved. And that lesson has stuck with me in these past few years as I've grown and learned about the world. I never would guessed in my wildest dreams that I would be here in Hawaii, or that I would have traveled to and loved Seoul. This is not where I thought I'd be geographically, not even close but in this lesson, in this mini-era of my life, I am learning new things every day, meeting new people and living my life as it's supposed to be.

And so looking ahead, I don't have any answers and though I try to make sense of the whirlwind, I can't make sense of anything. But I do know, that I won't ever say "never" because as soon as I do, it will happen.

Can't Give up Me

There are things in life that must happen. Things that must occur in order for us to live the lives we're meant to live. There are moments that must pass, and moments that must take your breath away. There are dreams that must be fulfilled and there are memories that must be forgotten, or perhaps not all but forgotten, but tucked away where they can't hurt us anymore. There are nights that must pass slowly and there are days and weeks that must fly by in the blink of an eye.

I can't believe how quickly time is flying by, how quickly the months are passing and soon the years will be gone, the opportunities that I always wanted lost to the passing time, if I don't do it now, if I don't chase those dreams, if I don't experience all of the world that I want to, one day I will wake up and time will be gone. One day I will wake up and those dreams will be dead.

So I hope you understand that nothing has ever meant more to me in my life than those dreams I've always had. They are what keep me alive and going, they are what put me to sleep every night and what get me up in the morning. Those dreams are the dreams that drive me, the moments that take my breath away and the feeling inside my heart. I hope you can see that if I give that up now, if I secede those dreams that make me who I am, if I relinquish all that I control to what makes me myself, then I give up my soul, I give up the life that I want and need and love.

I give up me.

And I'm at a point in my life that I don't want to give myself up, that I don't think that I should have to. I want to go out and live, and grow and experience the world and not feel guilty about that. I want to travel and live and love and enjoy every minute of it, never having to be somewhere else or feel like I should be doing something else. This is my time to feel, to breathe, to live, without pressures, without responsibilities, without regrets.

And I need to be me and no one else, and I need to move ahead and I need to follow my dreams. And I need to do what I want for once, and to follow my heart, and to pray and to feel. I don't want to give it up right now and I won't for a while, if I ever do. I can't nail down an answer yes or no, I can't tell you I'll be back because I don't know if I ever will, I can't tell you that I will outgrow this, because I don't know if that's true. I can't give up on what I want and neither should you.

I can't give up on me.

Faith

As I sit here tonight, thinking about how one week ago I was attending mass at the cathedral in Seoul, and looking around me and thinking how global religion is. Faith is such a worldwide, international language and no matter where you are, you'll find it, some form of religion and prayer, some form of faith. No matter how far you search, you will always find the call of prayer. For me, it took me a while to find my faith again after I grew up with it, after I had to make the decision on my own. But now in my life, my faith holds so dear to my heart and so often, my faith is what soothes me these days. It's that few hours a week, sitting in mass, in a place where only prayer and peace reign, that makes me wonder how I could ever doubt it. And while there are things that a human church on earth may get wrong, it is the power of faith and prayer and devotion that carry us believers through our lives. It's knowing that while there is nothing we can prove, it's the power of faith and prayer that makes us who we are and that makes our hearts grow each and every day.

It's the peace we feel in a mass, in prayer or in devoted time. It's the faith in our souls, and the faith is the church that pull us through those moments when we need a little bit extra. And no matter where you are in the world, there will be religion and faith and prayer, because without it, we'd be more lost than we are.

The Search

What is it when there are so many choices to make and only complicated answers to the questions we face? What happens when everything is laid out before you and suddenly you have no idea which decision to make? Where is the line between the correct choice and the wrong one? And how long do we wait for things to change, before we change them ourselves? What is the price we pay for following our hearts and our dreams?

Suddenly my head is filled to the brim with questions, and no matter which I look at it, the answers are all more complicated than the questions they answer. There are moments when I wonder if it's all worth it, and then I sit here looking out at the blue sky and mountains, at the city before me and the ocean beyond and I smile because I know in the end it is worth it, every second of doubt is made right because this is the life I want, complicated or not.

But how do we handle the tough decisions, how do we find the balance between hurting someone else and hurting ourselves? And when is the line drawn that shows us the decision has been made? When do we move forward with the heartache and leave it all behind? Maybe I'm not up for making these choices, maybe I need to just let it all happen on its own, but somehow inside of me, I can't do that... I've never been able to do that. I have to make the choice, I have to do it for me and for everyone around me. Sometimes I feel like my head is so filled with questions that I never get a moment anymore to just feel... I guess that until I am exactly where I think I should be I won't get that, until I know for sure, with all my certainty that this is what is meant for me, that everything in my life is in the place it should be, I'll always be searching for that peace I know I'll find, someday.

Like I used to...

Sometimes I wonder how I became this way. Sometimes I get so caught up in where I want to be and who I want to become that I forget what's most important in life. Sometimes I just miss the feeling of the Portland city streets under my feet, or the beautiful green leaves that fill the trees during the spring. I miss the 15 minute walks and I miss the love that I felt so abundantly in that city. Sometimes I wonder about my choices, about where I'm headed. Sometimes I find myself thinking about your smile, about the times when we were so happy in our little city, in our little apartment, in our little life. And sometimes, in this grand life I'm living, I can't help but wonder what it would be like there.

I know I still want to chase all those dreams, but lately I've been wondering if it's worth it alone? I feel a little lonely here tonight... and missing the feeling I had in Seoul just a few days ago and missing the feeling of Portland in the fall... if only I could have it all in one life, if only I could figure out a way to combine it all.

If only I could have it all figured out like I used to...

Cravings

All my life I've craved different cultures, all my life I've been more comfortable with people that share that interest with me, that share a background like me, that share the mind set I've just always had. I've always felt like I'd never be content to live my whole life in the States, it's just not for me. And being here in Korea, being mixed among so many different kinds of people, with so many different backgrounds, experiencing so many different things, it's only validating everything I've always thought. I need a life like this, whether it's in Asia or Europe or the Middle East, I will always crave this life, this international life, the world as my home, learning languages and learning to live like these cultures.

It's so refreshing being here after so many years in the States. It makes me know that my heart still craves this, that this is really all I've ever really known and pushing myself to live an average life in the States is not what will make me happy. This trip was exactly what I needed at this point in my life, exactly what my body and soul needed, and it has brought me so many answers to so many unanswered questions lingering. I finally see the world like I used to, I'm living it like I used to, and I'm finally feeling that sense of place again, that sense of place that I crave and love and hold so very dear to me.

Journey Ahead

It's raining here this morning, a beautiful downpour of raindrops and it's appropriate to wake up today to the sound that always calms me, the rain that soothes me deep into myself on this day of any others. Today I embark on a new journey, my first trip overseas in 12 years, my first trip overseas on my own, my first trip for work, my first experience being the person I've always dreamed of being. And in 24 hours, I will be out of the country, back in the world that I've missed for so long. And as I watch the rain pour down outside, my heart is smiling so big you can't even imagine.

I finally feel like myself again, like this is who I am, like the past 12 years haven't mattered and I'm back to that girl that grew up half a world away. And all this time that's passed hasn't changed any part of me, I still long to return to the places that made me who I am.

It's easy to leave things behind and to get caught up over time in a life that makes you comfortable but not happy. And for too long, I've put the life I need to live behind me, and finally, I feel like I have the wings to fly. Every day I wake up and know that this is the life I've always needed, the world I've always craved and the experiences that will shape my journey ahead.

My City

Isn't it ironic that we spend our lives trading one thing for another. We trade the beautiful colors for palm-tree filled paradise. We trade being with someone we love to living alone and we trade a city full of cobblestones and outdoor dining for a city that's mismatched and not really alive in exactly the same way. Don't get me wrong, I am immensely enjoying this era of my life and learning from all the experiences that I am supposed to, waking up every morning to the ocean and the beautiful blue sky. But suddenly this morning it dawned on me, I won't have the fall this year, not in the way I love. I won't have the changing color, not in the way I love. I won't have those days when it's bone chillingly cold but somehow still so beautiful. I won't have the dark rainy winter days I love or that time in the fall when everybody moves their outdoor tables inside.

I am realizing more and more every day that while my life here is beautiful, stunning actually and it seems that I've gotten everything I've always wanted, another city will always be my home. This place here, while beautiful and seductive, isn't the city I love... it's not the place I will ever call my real home.

And while there may be many cities in my life, and they all will have things I love, like this beautiful view and a balcony overlooking the city, none of them will have the feeling of the one city that became mine at 18, the one city that sits on the Willamette River and the city that a 20 minute walk will get you anywhere. It's the city that's not really a real "city city" but big enough to look impressive. It's the city that first made me feel alive, the city that I habitually feel safe in. It's the city that holds my heart and perhaps it always will.

Tiny Little Lights

Out there across the ocean tonight you are sleeping. And here on this tiny island in the middle of a crowded city, I am thinking of you. I've always known that I'd end up somewhere on my own like this, it's been a part of who I was to become for a long time and it was something that I needed in order to move ahead in my life. I needed to believe again in the magic of the city, in the honesty of the millions and millions of flickering lights and the mystery of how beautiful life is when I can stand on my balcony and look out over the water to where you are.

I've always been a dreamer and for a while, I lost that part of me. I've been learning that I can't give up hope in my dreams because they are what make me smile, what make me laugh, what make me cry and what make me proud. They are make me who I am, and I won't ever give them up. And for my whole life, I've never thought that anyone could come between me and what I want to do with my life, but I'm realizing more and more every day, that you are the one person in this entire world that I would give it all up for. You are the one person that just might make rethink things. If I'm learning anything by being on my own again, I'm learning that every day is a gift, that it's something new and something to take advantage of. And when you see my view out onto this beautiful city, you'll know how magical it is every single day and how it changes me when I just breathe in the air.

I look out over the water, toward where you are and I smile, because someday we'll be living in our own apartment, with a balcony stretching out across the city, watching the millions and millions of tiny little lights flickering across the horizon. Someday we'll have figured everything out and we'll know that because we spent this time apart, we became stronger and more ready to take on the world and everything we have that we want to still accomplish.

Smile

I don't think I've ever felt so at peace as I do now. It seems the world has been lifted off of my shoulders and I am surrounded by new people, new places and most of all, everything I've always wanted seems to have come true here. It's hard to believe that I've only been here two weeks, in my heart it feels like I've always been here. And maybe it's because it reminds me so much of living overseas, or maybe it's because I'm finally doing what I've always wanted to do. And maybe it's because I can sit here night after night and stare out at the city before me and know that this is so right.

Maybe it's because for the first time in my adult life, I actually am doing exaclty what I want and enjoying it. Maybe it's because I am blissfully happy, the happiest I've been in years. And maybe it's because there is something about this city, about this place that reminds me so much of my childhood that it makes me smile sometimes and feel right at home. And maybe it's because I know that my parents are only 15 minutes away again and that I get to come home everyday to this view. Maybe it's because I have so many dreams for my life or maybe it's because there are moments when I can't believe I just moved here.

Maybe it's because of all those things and more, but I don't care because I can't help but smile everyday.

Know that I love you

We're both on our own journeys this year and we're both searching for the things we have to have in order to move on forward. I am still the same girl, still on the one that smiles when it rains, still the one that has to have a blanket in 90 degree heat. I am still the girl that uses 50 sugar packets in her iced tea and the girl that dreams of Paris. I'm still your girl, I'm still the one that loves being in the middle of the city and that finally got her balcony. I'm still the one that you fell in love with, I'm just a little farther away than I used to be.

I know it's going to be hard, that we'll see that couple walking down the street hand in hand and wish it was us. I know that these next couple years or however long it will be will be tough, but hold on to me. Hold on to what we are and who we'll be. Hold on to my smile and keep me in your heart. Remember that a few years is nothing in the span of a lifetime and know that this is truly what I needed, what was meant for me to start my journey and that I am happy, missing you, but happy.

Know that I wake up every single morning and walk out on my balcony and smile, knowing that just out there across the ocean, you might be smiling too. Know that I have everything I always dreamed of and that this is my step to get to where I want to be. Know that I love you and that I always will. Know that someday I will be ready to settle down, someday I will be ready to say those words and live our life together. Know that in a couple years, we will be back together again, and know that this time apart will strengthen us and make us ready for what is coming next.

Know that I am always with you, that when I smile, I think of you. Know that even though I am miles away, I am yours still. Know that you are in my thoughts and that you are always a part of me. Know that I love you, and that will always be enough.

New PAssion, New Love

Sometimes we must open ourselves up to believe in things that are not even real, things in this world that perhaps could be, but never will be seen. We must find a way to believe in something we cannot see or touch, in a love that changes every part of you and an all consuming belief in something that we might never attain.

We must experience those rushes, those passions, those new beginnings to live in a way that will change us and make us find our true selves. There will be heartache along the way no doubt, but there will also be those moments of tender passion and belief, of fear and of hope. We must exchange what we think we know with what we need to know, and we must let go of all that's holding us back.

We are living in a time in which strength within our hearts is ever fleeting and with our minds in chaos, we must find the peace within the unknown and embrace it with all we have. We must leap toward the courage we know we have somewhere down deep and thrill ourselves with new passions and new loves.

What's in my Mind

I don't know where I'll be next year,
if I'll be the person you think I should be,
if I'll be the girl that you used to know.

I don't know if I can ever stay in one place long enough,
I don't know if I can give up my dreams,
or if I should.

I don't know what's on my mind,
or what's in my heart,
but I'm just along for the ride,
and it's time for me to do it on my own again.

I don't know where the freedom went,
but I want it back, just a little bit,
for a just a little while.

I don't know if I'll be who you used to know,
or if I'll ever stay long enough,
but right now, the restlessness is kicking in,
so let me fly free into that world waiting for me.

Barely Begun...

Sometimes there is a moment in which you realize that something is wrong. A moment when doubt fills your mind, and when you must make a choice between following your dreams and following someone you love. There are moments in our lives that make us choose and for better or for worse, it's those choices that define us, that create who we are and who we become. I think that sometimes, we hold on to what we know, what we thought we loved because we are comfortable and because we thought we were in love.

I am beginning to wonder what love really means, and how to answer the questions I am asking myself these days. I am considering what it means to really love, to really dream, and what it takes to move on and what that means in the long run. For me, dreams have always been something strong in my heart and mind, dreams are what have gotten me through my life and they are what drive me, what push me and what make me excel. They are my saving grace and my first loves, they are what make me who I am and what show me the most beautiful things in the world. My dreams encompass my faith, my goals, my loves, my memories and who I am: they encompass all that I am.

We are all here for a reason, and every step we take in life is set in front of us to make a choice, whether for good or bad, it's there for us to choose which we think is right and just. And when we feel something that we believe in, something that moves us, something that makes us think, it shakes us, it changes us and it makes us feel all over again.

I am not near the end of my journey, nor have I felt all the emotions I want to feel someday. I have not even begun to follow all my dreams yet, but be sure that I will, because when I leave this world, I will die with two things: my faith and my dreams accomplished. I am a girl of many traditions, of many faiths, of many dreams, and I am a girl that has barely begun...

Where I belong

My life is about moments when I have no idea where I'll be next. It's about knowing I'll only be somewhere for a few years, and then my restlessness will kick in. It's about holding on to the desert, and knowing I will return someday. My life is about knowing love will define me, it's about seeing my oldest friends and feeling comforted. It's about remembering what it felt like to have the sand against my skin and watching the palm trees sway in the desert wind. It's about family and knowing they will always be there, it's about friends that make you laugh. My life is about making decisions on my own and making them only for me, no one else. It's about making my own money and moving on. It's about outgrowing something and moving on to something else. My life is about cosmopolitans and dark chocolate, it's about movies that I could watch over and over again. My life is about lunch out with friends and a dinner at home. It's about balconies with views over the harbor, and embraces with people that make you feel real. It's about seeing someone you haven't seen in 12 years and feeling right at home with them. It's about feelings you have for someone when you're not sure if they feel the same way, it's about not knowing where I'll be in 2 years, in 5 or in 10. It's about watching family fall apart and then come back together someday, it's about a network of connections all over the world. It's about mornings in Hawaii and weekends in Portland. It's about being proud and it's about holding on to my faith when nothing else makes sense. It's about moments when something is so beautiful you don't think you could ever let it go, and it's about writing when I don't know what else to do.

My life is about first loves and lasting moments. It's about finding love in all the places I least expect. It's about drinks with friends and blankets on the couch. It's about moments that you never thought would happen and pink suitcases. It's about pink watches and the Eiffel tower, Morrocco and Cairo. It's about Ras Tanura, Saudi Arabia and the smell of sweet bread cooking in the outdoor ovens. My life is about never making plans and knowing that everything will work out for a reason. Its about waiting to see where I'll be and living it to the fullest. It's about knowing that someday I'll be standing in the desert again and I'll smile, knowing that that's where I truly belong.

Love Song

Suddenly tonight, it's all starting to hit me. And I believe that where I am going, where we are going is meant to be, I just wish it wasn't going to be this hard. I can feel the tears starting already, and even though I act so strong all the time, suddenly I'm not so sure that I'm so strong.

I always thought when I got to this point that I'd be so ready to run off into the sunset and chase all my dreams, that I'd be alone and in my own little world of fulfillment and achievements. But then there was you. And there was us. And there was love. For the first time in so many years, through everything we've seen, everything we've done and all that's been done to us, I love you more now than I ever have and I find so much peace and comfort in you and me, that I'm not so sure I can give that up.

You are the only person in this world that I can always count on, the only person that would stop whatever you were doing to hold me, and the only person that would drive back down the road to have lunch with me when I need you. And I am so proud of you and so proud of the person you are becoming, the man you are and the things you will accomplish.

I know in my heart that this is meant for us, that we have to overcome this next step to move on together with our lives. But I also know it will be one of the hardest years of our lives. So my love, I give you this: I will look down at my hand at this beautiful promise ring that sits on my finger every day and I will smile and think of you, and pretend that you are holding me when I need it most, and I will find comfort in the fact that you have my whole heart and that you always will.

I have so many dreams and so many goals for myself, but none of them are as important as we are, none of them are as real as we are and none of them make me as happy as you do. So as we sit in the next year or so with an ocean between us, know that I will be holding you in my mind every second of every day while we are apart. And as we live our own lives on each side of that ocean, as we chase the goals and dreams we have for ourselves, we will both know that no matter what or where we are, we will make it. We'll make it through to the other end and be stronger because of it, we'll make it because I wouldn't want to stand under the Eiffel Tower with anyone else or visit Cairo with anyone else, or smile at anyone else in Morocco and Tel Aviv. You are my dream, and that's good enough for me.

Blessings

As we sit here under the rain filled sky, under a rain that cleanses us with each new drop that falls, we realize that what we have in this life are blessings and achievements and in the end, nothing else really matters. After a very long day, filled with many things that tested my ability to go on, I sit here tonight, next to the boy I love, listening to the rain outside and counting my blessings. And as so much is about to change in my life, I can't help but hope that I am this lucky the rest of my life. I can't help but hope to have the friends and family and love in my life that I do know forever.

There are challenges each and every single day, there are moments when you just want to cry and run away, there are times when nothing goes right, when you hope it will all just go away. And then there are times when you don't think you could be any happier, when every wish seems to come true. There are times when you must take what you are dealt and make the most of it, and there are times when moments pass you by and when you wish you could get them back.

I have learned in my life that's been riddled with so many goodbyes to so many people and places I have loved, that things that are supposed to be in your life, will be. That the people that truly touch you deeply will always remain in your heart and while some may fade, they will always be there, they will always be blessings in their own way.

It seems that the past two weeks have been such an emotional rollar coaster for me, good and bad, hard and easy, challenging and rewarding, and yet here tonight I sit listening to the rain outside, knowing that whatever may happen in my life in the years to come, I will always have those people and places that keep me whole, the things in my life that I count as blessings each and every single day, and those moments that still take my breath away.

Rylan Todd Evans

Tonight my best friend from high school gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy and as baby Rylan entered the world, I realized something truly important. Whatever our lives hold for us, love will truly pull us through. Whatever this beautiful baby boy may go through in his life, he will be loved, by his parents, by his family, by his friends, by me. He will be loved deeply and without regret, without apprehension. He will be loved and he will know what it means to love someone else.

And someday he will fall in love with someone else, and he will find out that love in this world is rare, but always there when you need it. He will find that when you find someone to share your adventures with, when you find someone to pull you through the toughest and darkest moments of your life, it's the most important and lovliest thing in the world.

Tonight Rylan Todd Evans has become a part of this beautiful world and it will be through the love that so many will have for him that he will learn to love himself. It will be because he was loved from the very first moment he entered the world that he will find comfort and strength and love on his journey.

And so Rylan Todd Evans, from your Aunt Casey, know that I will always love you, that I will always remember the day that your dad sent me that photograph of you, that I will always be there when you need that break from your parents, and when you need some advice about that girl you're falling for. I love you Rylan and you are a blessed little baby tonight, welcome to our world.

Prayer to Allah

We live in a world at war, where religion is cause for fighting and death is often cause for joy, an ending to a helpless world. We live in a country in which the majority of the population couldn't draw a map of the countries in the Middle East, yet here we are, in a war with the Muslim world. We are a generation that has pretty much grown up with our country at war, in a country in which Muslims and the vast majority of Islam are viewed as terrorists. We are a country in which faith is coveted by many, and in which we preach "freedom of religious views" and "equality for everyone" yet Muslims are profiled out of a crowd because they pray to Allah instead of God.

And perhaps my views are tainted because I find just as much beauty and truth in a mosque and the desert as I do in cathedrals and the rain. Perhaps I have a tainted view because of my childhood, because I have a deep respect for the Middle East and it's perhaps a part of my bones, perhaps because it's a part of my heart and always will be.

But one thing I've learned is that just because someone prays five times a day facing east toward Meccah, instead of going to mass on Sundays, doesn't make them any more and any less than the rest of us. It doesn't make them a sinner or an outcast or the enemy. I have had the privilege of knowing many Muslims in my life and I remember as a small child, having a conversation with a schoolmate about the differences our religions posed. She, a Jordanian Muslim and me, an American Roman Catholic. I remember so vividly how she told me we prayed to the same God, whether called Allah or God, He was the same. She told me she believed in Jesus too, just not in the same way that I did. She believed, as Muslims do, that Jesus was a prophet, just like Mohammed, but not the Son of God. And two children, from different sides of the world could understand something that many in our world refuse to even today.

Our world is at risk from so much today. From wars, to climate change, to dissappearing species, to endangered natural resources, to overpopulation, to greed, and to fear. We are often so afraid of what we do not know, we view places and people in a way of creating tension within our beliefs so that we don't have to deal with all that is wrong. Someone asked me recently, "Is there anywhere in the world you're just afraid to go?" And after thinking for a moment, my response was no. And truthfully I can say, that there is no where in the world that I am afraid to go, because in each place, whether it is safe or not, beauty and truth and justice can be found. In the deepest caves of Afghanistan or in the Jungles of the Amazon, there are people out there working for the good, there are places that will take your breath away and there are beliefs there that are as strong as ever.

We are a society and a world that has still so much to learn, a place that every day, we must take on a new challenge and continue all the ones we've had thus far. Every day, we must wake up and take on a new day, a new hungry child in Africa, a new Israeli woman hurt in a bomb blast, a new young girl growing up in Saudi Arabia, struggling between faith and independence. Every day a new challenge, every day, stronger faith in whatever it is you believe. But we must remember that there is no cause to single out the faith of others, we are no one to judge, we are no one to say that our faith is stronger or more true than theirs. We must learn to see beauty and truth in mosque, synagogue and cathedral. We must hear the Arabic call to prayer and smile, knowing that even though we may not pray to Allah, at least faith is keeping us strong.

Stepping Stones

Sometimes life throws things at us, whether it the loss of two pets within a few short months' time or major life decisions that we thought we were ready for but weren't. It gives us challenges that we know we can handle, even though we might feel too broken to move on. I am a turning point in my life right now. Making choices that will change my life, my relationships and my future career. And with some sad news coming my way today, suddenly it all seems so much in perspective.

Sometimes I wonder what's going to happen in the next few years, with Nick and I going our seperate ways for the first time in 4 years, while trying to stay together. With my career beginning and the choices I will make on my own for the first time in my life, having my own money, my own success and my own failures, and all the things that I love about my life are about to change. All the little things we take for granted will soon be different and all the things that we always thought we'd have forever, will soon be gone.

It makes me think so much about how much my life has already changed in the past four years and how much it will change even more. And I guess that helps, it makes me understand even more, that what's important will stay in my life and what's not, will be gone. It makes me realize that the little moments matter more than anyone will ever tell you they do and that I will suddenly be on my own again, something that I haven't done in four years. It makes me realize how important family is and how important it is to remember those that have gone before us, and to follow on their journies.

Life is a full of stepping stones and this one that's coming is the biggest one I've stepped onto so far. This one that's coming, so close ahead, is one that will challenge me and make me a better person, it will push me farther and it will make me choose what I want and what I don't in my life. And that's it, this next stepping stone, is my life, no one else's this time, my own chance to change the world, to make the most of myself and to do it all on my own.

So today, as sad news is ciculating through my family, please think of me from time to time as I begin to step forward to the next stepping stone in my life as it will mold my years to come.

The State of Our World

Looking ahead I feel, like so many of us are feeling, the wrath of the economy. We are nervous and excited, we are beginning the next chapter of our lives in a time and an era with issues and challenges that we have never seen before. We are beginning an era of change, change in our personal lives as well as in the life of our planet, of our country and of the entire world. And as we begin a new time in our lives, we must remember that we can still make that difference. We can still love what we do and we can find a way to do it, amongst the strains that have been set upon us, most of which is not any of our own doing. We are placed in a challenge, set in the middle of a minefield and left to our own devices to escape and make something of ourselves.

We are suddenly thrown out in the cold, unaware entirely of what we are up against, still dreaming of a day when that email will come offering us something to take, some place to go, some job to grow into. We sit in our respective lives sending resume after resume and praying that someday, we'll find something that fits us, something that makes us happy, something that gives us our chance to make something of ourselves. All we need is that one person to give us a chance, to take a risk on us and for them to say yes when everyone else is saying no.

And so, looking ahead, I know that I will accomplish all I wish to and I know that I will find someplace that I fit, someplace that I love and a career that makes me happy every day. I know that I will, it's the time now waiting that kills me. It's this unsurity, the waiting for someone to contact me, for someone to tell me I am worthy of taking a risk for. We are joining the adult world in a terrible time, in a time that a faultering economy is weakening every country in the world, and where the job market is tighter than it's been in probably 20 years. So in this time of change and unsurity, let's come together and unite, fight this fight together and accomplish all of our dreams together.

Eiffel Tower Dreams

Tonight as the rain pours down outside, my heart is once again at peace. And after a long day with family, family that I trust, that I adore and that inspire me, and a peaceful drive home to the city that has shown me who I am, I am realizing that these past four years have shown me more love and blessings that I could have ever imagined.

I have learned that no matter where you think you'll be, you'll end up somewhere else. That no matter how much you think you know, you can always learn more and that no matter where you think the road leads, there are always detours on that path. I don't know where I'll be in a year, in two, in ten. I don't know if I'll be married, if I'll be in the States or if I'll have found what I'm looking for. I don't know if I'll have stood under the Eiffel Tower and smiled, or if I'll have had my first job, my first apartment paid for all by myself. I don't know when those things will happen, I don't know if I'll have accomplished what I wanted to, and I don't know what detours I'll encounter on the way.

I do know that so far in my life I have been blessed by so many things. I know that I have learned lessons in my 22 years that many live to 50 to never see, I have met people that have changed me, and I have loved and lost, I have done things I never thought I would but that define who I am. I have stood up for myself and what I believe and I have made something of myself, all on my own.

And that is exaclty what I intend to continue to do. I don't know where my road ends up, and I'm happy that I don't. I don't know what speed bumps I will hit or when I will have to find another road, I don't know if I'll get everything I want or if I'll keep the faith I have now. I don't know anything about where I'm going, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think that sometimes life has to be that road with no road signs, that we drive just by feeling and that we make it on our own. I've never been one to take the easy way out and I won't ever let myself fall to that. Sometimes that storm that batters us down, is the best thing that ever happened.

So as I sit here tonight, contemplating where I'm at and where I'm going, I know that I am lucky. I know that I headstrong, that I will get to where I want to be, but I won't put a number on it, I won't make myself a schedule for success and I won't lay out my life like a timeline. I know that someday I will get married, someday I'll buy my own apartment in some city, out there some where. I know that someday I'll stand in Cairo and Morocco and all those places that I know I'll visit. I know that someday I'll find that piece of myself that I need to find and that someday I'll have someone looking up to me. I know that someday I'll stand under the Eiffel Tower once again and smile, remembering all those years ago that I stood there and dreamed those first dreams that I always knew would come true.

So as the next chapter of my life begins, I have no idea where I'm going, no idea what I'm up against and no idea how I'll get where I want to be, but it will happen. It will happen because I know it will and I have faith in myself enought to know that I can get there.

With Me

Here I am, alone again, just what I thought I wanted. Here I am, alone here in our apartment, with the sun setting slowly as the light is fading from the day, and we begin a week on our own. Here I am, alone, just like I want so often; when will I realize that maybe this isn't what I want?

And you are always there, ready to admit you were wrong, ready to hold me through the night. There you are, the boy that stole my heart so long ago, and here we are, growing into two very different people than we were back then. Here we are, learning to love again, learning to love the new people we have become.

Keep on believing, keep your faith... and I'm trying to more than you will ever know. Keep holding on, keep hold of my heart and don't let me drift. We'll make it through, we'll fall in love again and find out more about the new people we are becoming each and every day.

So in this next week of our separation, remember my love, that I am here still... though I may be an ocean away. Remember my love, that I am still here, and I am learning to live and love and grow again. Will you learn to live and love and grow with me?

Here

I never thought it would end like this, and I never thought that my heart would be so far away. I never thought that you'd slam that door, and that we'd be all wrong. I never thought that I'd be this girl and that you'd be him, I never thought that everything that life threw at us would be too much. I never thought that I would become such a burden, a chore. I never thought that this life would become so messy, that what we had, would kill me.

I never thought I'd drift so far away or that my heart would feel these emotions. I never thought that you'd need that from me, that you wouldn't know who I was, that you would expect me to be someone different. I never thought that our roads would end here and that you would be him and I would be me. I never thought that these moments would come, and that you would have let me go for so long. I never thought that I'd be here, so young, so ready for the world, and yet still here, not chasing my dreams, not going after my heart, just here, alone and afraid.

Where we Are

I know we're not quite where we used to be, but we're slowly getting there. And we're getting there together, through the stress, through the challenges, through the long days. We're not quite who we used to be but we're learning about life together and I'm not quite sure who I'd be with out you. I've grown into I am with you by my side and I'm not sure who I'd turn into if you were gone now.

I know we're not quite back to the love we used to have, but we're getting there. We're getting to a stronger, deeper, more mature love, a love that has been through life, through challenges, through real heartache and loss. We'll probably be the last of our friends to get married, though we've been together the longest, and that's okay with me because we've been through the ups and downs together, learning about life together and we've been flattened and thrown around and we're still standing, together.

I know we're still finding our way back to where we used to be, and that the road won't come easily or take overnight, I know we're finding who we are with each other beside us, and that life won't get easier or less complicated, it will get worse and harder and test us even more. But I do know that even though it seems we've been through hell and back this year, that I wouldn't want to make it through with anyone else. You know me better, more deeply and more intimately than everyone I've ever met.

And I know that while we're not quite where we used to be, we're getting there. And while we may not be to Paris yet, we're getting close.

Believe in Me

Listen to the sweet evening and grasp the last ounce of light from the stars tonight. Take life by the hand and go after everything in front of you. So often we let everyone tell us that we can't do it, that we can't make it what we want, that we can't make ourselves who we want to be. And even though the road ahead is hard and challenging and earth-shaking and will test our soul, it's the sweet evening breeze and the last ounce of light from the stars that will get us through the toughest times we may face.

It's these years of our lives that are endless, that express open possibilities, that we will get paid horrible wages, work long hours and dream of everything we'll someday have, but it's these times that we are the most alive, that things are the most thrilling and that life is just beginning. It's these times that we have the truest friends, the most intense lovers, the longest minutes and the even longer days. And while we may think that time is flying by, it will only continue to fly by faster... so we must enjoy the time that we have.

So take in the sweet evening tonight, and take a look up at the stars, and have faith that things will come and things will go and we'll find love and we'll lose it, and we'll move away and we'll come home, and we'll have rainy days and we'll have sunny ones. We'll fail and we'll succeed and we'll find ourselves and lose ourselves over and over again. And we must know, that all along the journey, it just becomes more beautiful as we progress, more intense and more lovely. Believe in us, believe in me. We will make it to all of our dreams... it just might take some time.