The Moment between Bliss and Existance

The city blinds me tonight,
the lights shining from all sides
around me,
every angle proves to be symmetrical,
perfect.

The city makes me smile tonight,
the moment in between bliss and existance,
so happy I could float up on the night clouds
above the steel bridge at midnight,
sitting atop the tower watching all go by.

And then you come along,
walking in from light,
out from bliss.
You are all that makes me whole,
and our city is truly brilliant,
truly whole,
truly right.

It's ours,
like nothing
else ever has been.

You

and

Me.

Here in this concrete town we both love.

Safe

You never doubt the rain,
never doubt when it will come,
when it will go.

You always know when I'll be ok,
when I won't, when I never will be again.

You have my strength,
I gave you that, the moment we met,
because I knew that
my doubts would haunt me,
so I gave my faith to you,
to keep me save.

And so you have so brilliantly.

And so
you
have kept me safe.

rubbage

The leaves have turned to dust. I guesss I have as well. Moments last too long on the golden highway home, and love hurts as its scent lingers in the air. The love that should be in my arms, should be in my soul and my fingertips. The leaves are gone now, washed away with the golden blackened rain and the skies are constantly moving in and out. I suppose my life is like those leaves, once golden, full, brooding toward the home I loved. Anymore, I am not golden leaves, but washed aside roads as the winter comes into salvage what's left of the rain. One moment I was there, silent, golden inside that home that held me close. Now they find me as the dusty rubbage tossed to the side of the road, not worth the time spent to clean them up.

morning

As I turn your face is there,
your eyes are deep and enduring,
like tornados right there on my sheets.
Your hue is almost comforting, just a little more
and you'd be tan.
You're head asleep on the pink makes me safe,
makes me sane.
Waking up, seeing you and curling into your arms
is the safest place I've ever been.

As I turn your face is always there,
next to me as always and comforting as always.
Thank you for loving me,
I never thought I'd be loved like that.

needy

if you know my whole heart,
love me with all you have,
then why aren't you here?

dont you know all i want is to be loved
dont you know that all i need is for you to stand on the corner
in the pouring rain and say you love me,
no more excuses,
no more words of trying or changing,
just heart felt love,
just a moment between you and me,
just one second standing in the pouring rain kissing me.

but i'll never have that,
obviously that must be too hard for someone to do.

why aren't you here,
at the time i honestly really need your love?

Two Loves

I have two boys in my life that mean everything to me. Two that are the closest things to my heart, and two that I would do absolutley anything for. One of them is two hours away from me tonight, one is right here next to me on the couch. Though the guess of who is who is the opposite of what you're probably thinkin right now.

The love of my life, the boy I see myself with years from now, the one who knows more about me than anyone I've ever met. The boy that loves me unconditionally and would give anything to make me happy, the boy I love with everything I have and that I miss everyday when I'm away from him, he is two hours away from me tonight.

But for one reason only: the other boy in my life, my little brother, needs me more tonight. I've never seen him like this, and I know inside his heart is just breaking. I know that inside his soul is dying, slowly as his foot hurts more and more. He is my priority right now... he is healing.

There are two boys that I would do anything for in my life. Two boys that, without them, I would never be the same. To my love, you are the reason I wake up each morning, the reason I go through the days to see you at the end of them. You are the reason I smile and the reason that I live. You are truly a dream come true and I couldn't ask for anything more. To my brother, you will get better I promise. You will make it through this, you will succeed and be back out there in a year from now. You will do it, I know your strength, I know your courage. You have it in you, it might just take some time.

To both of you: I love you both to the very depths of my soul.

not my own

It's this time of year that it hits me harder than any other. It's now when I remember how it used to be, when it seems like it was a million years ago. It's now that I find myself wishing I had a childhood again, wishing what happened, never would have. It was that year that my life changed, that year that the family I'd always known and loved changed, forever. I wish I would have fought it harder, I wish I would have told him the hurt he caused me face to face. I wish I would have let him see what he was doing, because caught up in the moment, he had no idea what he was doing to us, to me. His only daughter, his eldest child lost her childhood that year. It was in that one decision, that the family that had always been so close, seperated so far away, never put back together again.

And while it's how many years ago now, this time of year, I want the family I always had. I want the family that I grew up with, (they're so so different now). Nothing is ever the same as you grow up, but at least most get to go home to where they grew up for the holidays, see their families where nothing has changed, see their friends. I go home to nothing but a foreign house in a strange city to a family that is not my own anymore.

my love

It's okay now, rest your head here next to mine.
You're here now, don't worry a bit my love,
you're mine, only mine.
Rest your mind here now, leave all else behind,
give me your pain, your strife and I will hold it
upon my own shoulders,
in order to shoulder the pain for you my love.

It's okay now, rest your head here next to mine, my love.
For you are my one and only,
the blood that runs through my own veins,
the heart that beats inside my own,
the man that completes everything my life is made upon.
You know my heart and soul,
my mind and spirit,
you know my body, my face, my fingers, my life.

It's okay now, rest your head here next to mine, my love.
For all that you need,
any that seem to burden your mind here and now,
give them to me my love,
let me shoulder your burden.

It's okay my love,
you're mine and I am yours.
OUr love is forever, for always, the impossible that we have
made possible.
It's okay now my love,
lay your head here next to mine and we'll watch the rain together.

best.... my best

You know that feeling when you feel like someone understands you? When suddenly they get everything you mean, when you can sit down with that person and talk and know that you can trust them and tell them anything and everything? Well I had that. I used to anyways.

He would listen. He would laugh and support me. He was the first best friend I had up here. The guy I could tell anything to and that I trusted more than any other friend I'd had in the past. He was the first one to know me as who I am up here, who I really am. He was the friend that I felt like would protect me. The friend that would be there whenever I needed him. He was the guy that would stand up for me, even though he'd poke fun at me when others were around. Inside, he always made sure I was okay. And I knew that, he knew that, we always had an understanding about that. I miss that.

It's hard when friends go away. When distance becomes an issue. It seems like for me, that's a repeating factor in my life. Girl moves away from best friends, moves half way around the world. Girl moves away again, leaves all behind again. Girl's best friend moves even farther away than she already is. Girl then meets new best friend and moves to a different school as does he. IT sucks to tell you the truth.

Maybe I'm not meant to have that friendship that you call up the other person and just hit up a movie or go to dinner or shopping or what not. Life's too busy I guess. It's crap if you ask me. We all just act too busy or put things off.

Anyways, I miss him but I'm afraid to admit it I guess. I'm safe with him, I'm myself with him and I'm at ease with him. I miss the best friend I used to have. Life was so much simpler a year ago.

*my rain*

Tonight the rain stopped.
It got dark and there was no one to come
home to. No one to run to, no one to smile at.
Tonight the moments stopped; confusion started.

The rain was my steadfast, my piece of stability
in this world of movement,
holding onto him was my way of living, my way
of life.

Tonight the rain's not here,
not next to me, holding me,
not moving through me,
I miss his touch, it's been gone way too long.
The silence I thought I needed is scaring me,
I'm getting lost in its vast expanse.

come back to me, you rain. Please rain.
You have always been my rain,
drop by drop by drop...

crushing the dream of a married life

Tonight I was encountered by something that I can't help get out of my mind. A girl I know, just on the surface really, nothing deeper, told me tonight that she had been married right out of high school and divorced four years later. That story struck me especially hard because she is not the first person I know that has been divorced and she is not the first person that I know that has such bitter feelings toward a marriage. Another person in my life that is very close to me had a similar experience, a woman that fell in love in college and married soon after, changing her whole life to fit his life. Hence, the relationship ended in a very messy divorce and because of this, she has a sincerely bitter view towards weddings and relationships in general. I think it's sad when someone's love ends and just because of their one bad experience, it ends their whole faith in relationships in general. Love is always different, there is always going to be a good relationship and a bad one, there will always be mistakes and wrongdoings on both parties, but as long as trust still remains on some level, however broken it may be, there is always a chance for that relationship to get put back together.

Life is too short to be so bitter over something that perhaps you weren't ready for, perhaps you didn't think it all the way through. Perhaps life just showed you another path other than the one you were already on and you took it, or perhaps the love just died away. No matter what happened in the past, there is always another chance, another try in your future. And while I have no idea what a marriage is truly like from the inside, I do know that any relationship takes work, and if there is still love left after all the harsh words have been said, then there is still hope.

quoting my mess

There's this quote that my grandma sent to me and I came across it tonight and it really made me think. It says "I believe -That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." And that struck me really hard tonight. For some reason in my mind tonight, there is something bothering me, something nagging at me, something that tells me something's missing. And I don't know what it is.

And here in these amazing country songs I'm listening to, all they talk about are these amazing loves that would do anything for the other person. Is that ficitonal, is that just something that happens in dreams, in fantasies and doesn't really exist? Is love something that we all imagine for ourselves in our minds and it will never live up to our expectations? Although somehow it has to be rooted in human emotions, though I am coming to think more and more that love is something that will never be a fairy tale, it will never make sense like it should, like we want it to, we will never understand it, we will never know it truly.

Tonight for some reason, I feel like there is a heavy weight on my shoulders. I part of myself that needs fixing, but I can't find that part. And in this adult life, as I turn 20 tomorrow, I feel like I should know more about myself, more about my world and more about who I am inside. I feel like somehow I've let everyone down, that what I am is owed to everyone else. I'm confused at the moment, very confused and I don't necessarily know why.

I have everything. Why am I feeling like this, why do I need more? But in a way I know what it is. In a way, I know that it's my expectations that are ruining everything for me. It's the things I expect, from myself and everyone else around me. It's what I deserve and what I expect to deserve. Maybe I expect too much from other people, maybe it's the expectations that are weighing me down. But you know what, why should I expect anything less from other people than what I expect of myself? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. But I do know that I have very few people in my life I can go to in times of need. And those few people mean everything to me, they are the ones that have been with me for all my years and know me and what I am, who I am and what I need. They are the ones who expect just as much of me as they expect for themselves and I appreciate that. They are amazing people, a mother, an aunt, a grandmother, a best friend. They are the people that I will always remember and our bonds will never die away.

punishment

What happens to those women who make one mistake that changes their entire lives? What about that one moment that could decide their future, to keep it or lose it? And is is right that anyone can judge them for doing it? One thing is for sure... experience sure makes a difference, it shines a whole new light on the situation and lets you see what would happen if it were you and you were in their shoes.

If you haven't known what I'm talking about, I'll clue you in. Abortion. The ending of a biological life. And whether you are for it or so completely against it (which most people that are have never been in that situation) hear me out. Think about it... think about those closest to you that have experienced it or have been close to experiencing it.

Out of my family and close friends, several have found themselves in this situation. The moment when you have to decide whether life is ready to hand you something else or whether you're not ready, which there is nothing wrong with at all. I will say right now that you have no idea what's it's like, the anxiety of even it being a possibility but knowing it;s the only choice you can make. I do know personally and very well a few people that have had the choice in their lives: one being a woman that I love so much and that is my best friend who was faced with the choice and knew she had no other option. The other being one of my best girlfriends in high school who was faced with the possibility of it and ended up coming out alright without that choice having to be made. And finally one of my best friends in college who was faced with it as well and to this day, I'm still not sure about what happened in that office.

The thing that no one understands is that sometimes (actually a lot of times) there is no other choice. There is actually no choice at all. There is one option in front of you. One moment when you can look in the face of shame and guilt and grasp it as tight as you can and still make that choice, knowing that you'll have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that it is a serious decision to be made, but in the end, no judgement should be passed because ultimatley that woman will live with a scar that will never fade away for the rest of her life. Is it so hard to help her heal instead of punishing her for something she's already punishing herself for every single day of her life?

restoration

Why do our flaws define us? Why does what we do wrong reflect who we are? And why do honest people get the blame an become what they are by the flaws in their lives? Whey do we sin? Why do fall away from faith? And it only gets harder as the years go on and we grow up. I pray that someday I'm not where she was tonight. I pray that I will be strong enough, that my decisions are right and that I'll always be stronger than the sins that face me.

Why does faith have to be such a struggle? Faith in another person, in God, in love? Why can't it be easy, why can't we have it and never let it go? Why is it so hard to be talked out of it or lose it after one small incident? But on the other hand, it can be brought back at any moment, it could bring you back to the life you've always wanted and restore every bit of doubt to faith again.

When do our flaws control us? When do they become who we are? When does sitting up in the middle night missing him become reality for when he's here? God, I miss him.

Somehow though, I'll fall asleep tonight dreaming of his arms aroundd me and holding me tight. He is my strength, my faith, my devotion and in him, my flaws found away (hopefully.) God I miss him and I just want him back here holding me tight and restoring every bit of faith that I have lost.

fabulousness

There are moments in this life when you know in one instance that everything is right. When a goodbye kiss only means a few days because you konw the worst is already over. When watching him drive off doesn't mean he'll be gone for three months, it's only three short busy days. And after all we learn from our time alone just as much (and even maybe more) as we do from our time with those we love.

*so, here I am, laying in this bed that you left only such a short time ago and already I miss you. But love, we'lll be fine, we'll be brillant because it's not three months you'll be gone. It's just a very short busy three days and this is your time to shine. You are brilliant and I'm sure "your fabulousness will translate" across state lines (hehe remind you of anything). I love you.... go get 'em!

"Missing You"

i miss the walks.
the morning coffee. the songs.

i miss them. the nicknames.
the secrets.

i miss the way he would look at me.
if only he were here.

i miss the friends. i miss the dad so far away.
i miss missing him. i miss the mother i used to know.
and the snow at christmas time.

i miss the family i used to be with always,
the friend who was always there.
i miss the only love i've ever known
when they're so far away.

i miss the memories that I thought would keep
me alive forever. i guess they won't.
i miss the simplicity. the freedom. the guessing. the moments.

i miss the yelling. the catch.
i miss the beach and all that comes with it.

i miss the singing and the ice cream man.
the playground games and the afternoons of doing nothing.

i miss time standing still. i miss the ideas of youth.
the days when it rained non stop yet we were still brave
enough to go out into it by choice.

i miss the simple crushes that had no reprecutions.
the days when i thought family would always be the same.

i miss knowing what would happen. i miss the mystery.

but then again, we all miss what we can't have again.
we miss what we get used to, and then it's gone.

i miss everything you do. everything we do.
so let's walk on and miss them all together.

we'll gain the strength we need to move on.

welcome

I got to thinking this morning about how much my life has changed. About how here I am, on my own, without an authority figure within 60 miles of me, it's me, it's my life, it's totally mine. I do what I want, I make my own decisions, I'm growing up and just short of leaving those teenage years behind me. Here I sit, in this apartment I love so so much and hold so dear to my heart, and watch the gray clouds move into the city. Today, the sunshine will disappear and bring the rain. The city will be in gray for the next few hours and the rain will cleanse every sin this city has so dreadfully committed. But it's with that rain that also cleanses us and renews us. It's the one or two hours a day that the rain prepares us for what's to come in the fall and winter here in this gorgeous northwest city on the river. THose few hours a day of rain and then sun, show us what we're in for, for the next 4 months. And I couldn't be happier sitting here this morning and writing, having nothing pending and watching the clouds move into my life as well as every other portlander today. IT's almost biblical how it prepares us for something bigger coming, for a new coming of rain, a new season of life. So here I sit and welcome it.... soon the skies above the towers will be gray, and I welcome it.

*********

this won't mean anything to anyone except me....


sometimes when you're ready to give it all up, everything you've gone through, everything you've put yourself out there for and after all the accomplishments are put aside and tucked away, it's the moments when you stand there and take all the pain, all the misery, all the dissapointment because you know it's those moments that make you a stronger person and everything will get better..... i promise.

old times

Today has been a lazy day for me and I'm not even sure why I'm feeling the way I am. There's something down deep inside of me that is off yet I can't quite lay a finger on it. This weekend has been an interesting one and one that has touched my heart. After hearing from my mother and how down she was, I decided to drive down and spend the night with her (she was all alone) and I showed up with flowers and a big surprise she wasn't even expecting. And seeing the look on her face and how excited she was that her little girl had come home for her, touched me so deeply. Spending the next day with her and feeling like it was those old times when it was just me and her when everything was so much less complicated.

Then on the way home I met a friend on the spur of the moment that I was missing so badly. And seeing her and laughing and giggling and just being our awkward selves, made my day and again made me miss those old days when nothing was so complicated, when nothing meant anything except an afternoon of fun and laughs and good times. Sometimes we want so badly to grow up that we forget about how life used to be and it takes moments like those I had this weekend to remember what that feels like to just enjoy life. To see the smiles on our own faces again and remember what that felt like. And while we still have to grow up, we can still keep that little light childish smile that reminds us of so many good memories that we'll never in our whole lives forget.

my true loves

I love.....

.the boy who would do anything for me
.this gorgeous city, rain or shine
.tiny parks throughout the city that could calm me any time i need
.the riverfront
.writing
.a good pumpkin spice latte
.the rain, constant and steady
.watching sex and the city all day and crying over and over
.evening walks
.gelato
.Paris
.being surprised with pink roses
.being alone
.dreaming of where i'll be in five or ten years
.pink
.going to school and enjoying it
.meeting new people
.painting
.the fall and winter
.wearing gloves and scarves and hats
.reading when i have time
.accomplishing something big
.talking on the phone with my aunt
.family dinners
.having my own place to do what i want with
.waking up next to someone
.beautiful artwork
.cooking
.traveling
.knowing exaclty what I want
.The OC
.seeing a friend I haven't heard from in forever calling my cell phone
.driving with the top down
.driving over the bridge and seeing how truly beautiful this city is
.listening to my ipod as I walk downtown
.shopping
.diet coke
.putting together an outfit that is so brilliant
.reading magazines
.and eating dark chocolate curled up on the bed just relaxing until the day is done

wedding bells

There's a tear in my eye tonight as life is opening up before me. It's unreal how fast time flies and what happens in that time. My best friend, the girl that's always been there for me, is getting married. She's engaged and I am so proud of who she has become. I'm proud of who he has become as well.

Let me just say there has been a lot of rough times between us, a lot of struggle and heartache, but there have been so many good times as well. There are not enough words in my heart to express how happy I am for her, what an incredible journey is ahead of her, and how much life has yet to offer her.

I had my doubts, as everyone did, but I always trusted her. I always knew she'd be that friend I needed, and though she made some rocky decisions, she came through for me always, she made me proud to call her a friend.

and in the end, i feel like a proud mother wishing her daughter away on her wedding day. Lyss, I'm so proud of you and congratulations. You deserve this so much and I can't wait to celebrate this with you, girl to girl, friend to friend, bride to maid of honor... and I feel so honored to recieve that position.

congratulations from the bottom of my heart... I love you girl!

weird

Here I am sitting with nothing I can do here. Looking around at this great apartment that he loves, but a place that feels somehow odd to me. I can't help it, I wish I could. And as we've spent most of the week over at my apartment that I absolutely adore, it somehow felt so much like the old days, the times when he'd come "home" and stay there, no switching back and forth, bringing bags, bringing clothes and a constant shuffle between two places. Cooking there, living there, "beingg" there felt right with him and perhaps it's just because he didn't have a real place of his own, but somehow it feels more right there than here. Even though I know he loves this place, I wish I could say I do too.

And perhaps it's just my mood right now, which I'm not sure exaclty how I would define it. But it's odd. A few things are bothering me... first of all an old friend of mine that means a lot to me for a few different reasons imed me about something very important, talking to me on a very personal level and on a very personal subject, (which I won't mention) and then suddenly left the coversation and didn't talk at all anymore. Which disturbed me, now I don't know if him and a bunch of buddies were messing around with me, or if he really is going through this and had to abruptly leave. Either way, both situations disturb me. Then I've been waiting around for a while for homework to be done, waiting to watch my show and waiting to basically just sit here and write and get even more frusttrated.

Let's see what else is on my mind. Hmmm... other than one of my only good friends up here about to leave and move across town, summer dragging on and on and myself being frustrated with stupid things, my life is decent. i guess it's better than decent, but i'm dramatic right now, in a weird mood, have a headache and am very tired. I'm fighting within myself on some issues right now and need a break from myself, but seeeing as that is impossible... i guess i'll have to live on.

i know i have it so good compared to so many so i'll stop bitching.. take this with a grain of salt... i'm weird tonight.

confused

I'm feeling so ansy at the moment, so everywhere. And as I've been thinking so much lately, I can't wait to go through school and graduate and become a proffessional. I just want my own life, my own way to do things and while I already have some of that, I want it all. I want to be able to go out and buy things with my own money and to sit at a drafting table at night with a glass of wine and music playing and just work. I want that job, that stability, that life. I want a townhouse in the pearl, a downtown apartment in Seattle with a view of the water, a townhouse in New York City, a few years living in Paris and a job at a big time design firm. I want all of this, and I know someday it will come, I just have to wait patiently.

But am I that person that will get all of this? Can I do it? Can I have faith in myself that I can do it, can everyone else have faith in me? I am an independent person, I do what I want to do and I have dreams that I'm going to follow and achieve. Is that alright, or overwhelming and where will that get me? Will those that I love the most stick with me through that, support me through that? Will my dreams be overlooked when life choices come into play and will my life revolve around always putting myself in the position of it will come or will I stand up for myself and take action? Will I be able to stand up to myself and make sure I follow my dreams?

I've had these dreams for so long and I've always thought I'd go after them, but in this world where you have to conform to those around you and do what's best for everyone instead of following your personal agendas,, will I get all of this, will I stand up and do it in order to achieve all I want to? Or will I do as I do so often,, take a backseat on what I want because someone else wants something too?

day in, day out

when the world is a circle,
a sphere round and round
and the rain pounds down day in and day out,
where is it we can find rest?

when will the crisp red leaves arrive,
the sweet winter rains and the days of gray
and thunder and the sweet days of solitude?

it's red tulips right now,
it's blue skies,
open windows,
sandwiches and smoothies,
it's walks at night,
ice cream.

but soon the world will stop turning so fast,
the leaves will morph into standing color,
red, orange, and purple.
the trees will lose their living veins
and we will live for them even more,
waiting for the crisp colors to come,
the thunder and solitary days of gray,
and most of all waiting and wishing for
the sweet winter rains day in and day out.

better

Do you ever just want to be able to reach out and hold someone's hand when you know they need it the most? That's how I feel right now love. I want to reach out and touch you, hold your hand, embrace you, lay right next to you. I want to hold you and touch you, kiss you and hug you. I want you right now and I want to hold on to you when you need me. I know you're struggling right now my dear, but just believe me, it will get better. I promise you this, it will get better. Just be patient and learn to embrace the bad to make you better. I love you... it will be ok.

balanced - not----------

Where does the balance come from? When do we learn it; do we ever learn it at all? Is it meant to confuse us, make me feel guilty, somehow I don't see how that makes sense. Why can't it all fit into the perfect amount of space, when will time slow itself down and let me live it?

I'm alive in the harmony of the moments alone, when will I understand alll that is meant to make me live? Days are too fast, too slow, too inconsiderate. When will that balance be shown to me, when will they understand how hard this is for me to live? Trying constantly to sit on each side of that balance beam and balance it all out, everything is too much for me, it's too much to balance all that I am and all that they are.

Where does it come from? When do we learn it; do we ever learn it at all? How am I supposed to do it when I have no idea where the word even resides, let alone follow it's unknown instructions and challenges that it brings.

breath

I can feel the shiver in your spine
lying next to me,
the gentle breath that keeps us alive,
the hand curled up in mine that keeps me steady,
the arms entangled up in each other,
and our love entangled in our souls.

I can feel the twitch in your breath,
the slow up and down of your back
as we lie as one here in this sea of pink,
a little bit of black and a little bit of in between.

I can hear your thoughts as I read them in your eyes,
and I could not ask for more,
than being where we are and waking up the next day
with the sunlight shinging through the windows ahead of me,
and reaching over to feel your breath once again.

Black and White

When did it become so black and white, when did a woman become defined by the family she raises and the number of kids and the family car in the large family home? Why is it that those of us who choose a different life are looked at differently? I’ve seen the women who never have kids, the ones that jump from husband to husband, the ones that work every day of their lives and live as independently as they possibly can. Their focus is not kids, but it’s a little more intense than I want as well. All I want is to have someone to love all my life, to know what I want, and to reach for every dream I have.

What’s so wrong with an apartment in the middle of a city, a man I can come home to every day that makes me smile and that would do anything for me and a life of travel, living all around the world, working, shopping, and loving? What’s wrong with wanting the city life, the long walks along the river in the fall and buying the fabulous clothes instead of buying diapers? Why can’t I be independent and self-reliant instead of putting all my attention toward a child? I don’t necessarily want a child, I’m not made for that. I’m not necessarily the woman who goes so far the other way, but I am definitely growing into a woman that has figured a lot out in the past year. And I have realized something important. There is no reason women without children should be looked down upon, there is no reason that they should be defined just by the title of mother. I have a lot to offer, I believe in myself, I see a future coming at me very swiftly and though I don’t see motherhood on the horizon, and I don’t necessarily want to see it there, that doesn’t mean that my life won’t be worth something.

My only wish in life is to touch someone and change their life. To feel that inspiration and to live through it. That to me is worth more than any child, any lover, any prize. All I want in life is to be judged as the person I am, child or no child, husband or no husband. All I want is love someone all my life, pursue my dreams, and live the most I can. When did that become a crime, when did having a child, no matter what kind of parent you’ll be or having it to please everyone around you, become something you have to do to be real? When did it become so black and white? It’s not, and though I don’t necessarily want children in my life, that does not mean my life is less that someone else that calls themselves a mother.

breathe in the city

You ever see how the rest of your life can flash in front of your eyes. Well today as I walked home the 15-something blocks home through tons and tons of people, those that live in the city, that breath the city, that feel their best in the city, those like me. And then there were the tourists, the people that you can pickk out of a crowd without any ounce of complexity. The families with their fanny packs, the mothers trying to argue their way into their husband's minds and tell them to go down Salmon instead of Morrison, that the restaurant is east, not west. Then there are the girls that have just moved here, whether for college or for work, the girls that are living on their own for the first time, the girls that are growing in ways that I grew just a year ago.
And as I met each one of these groups upon my afternoon walk home, I realized that I have everything I've always wanted, everything that every girl wants. I have the love of my life sitting next to me, here again in this gorgeous city. I have a career on the way and classes that I absolutely love. I have been christened in the life of the city. I live and breath this city and I have found a part of myself here that I never would have anywhere else. And everyday I see people around me that inspire me even more. Everyday when the sun comes up and I look next to me at the boy I love so much, smiling to myself as I see the sun shining outside welcoming me to a beautiful sunny 70 degree day. Grab a cup of coffee, a marionberry muffin and put the ipod in my bag, earphones in my ears and head down the blocks toward the life I've chosen. There is nothing better in the world. There is nothing that beats the thoughts in my head, the sound of the music in my ears, the coffeee in my fingertips and the world of people moving all around me. There is nothing better than an afternoon walk down or uptown when I have no place to be, no time to run from. This is the life I've always wanted and it's inspiring me more and more everyday that I live it.

first and last

This is it. The last 24 hours. The hardest 3 months of my life have come and past, the love lost to responsibility and loyalty is back tomorrow. The love that made me fall on my very knees just almost a year ago. How very ironic that I am reading back posts of alomst a year ago in which my heart was so young, so innocent,, so naive. And now I am the person sitting in front of you, matured, knowledgable, grow up a little. But then again so has our love grown. I remember though the first date when we sat for hours at Panda Express just talking, the movie I never really wanted to see but I wanted so badly for you to put your arm around me. And then the following dates, the time I got sick at BJ's and you stayed by my side barely sleeping all night making sure I was alright. I remember the first night you slept over, the feeling of excitement I had waking up next to you the next morning. I remember that first time you went with me to the riverfront, the first time you held my hand and the movie night at my apartment cramped together in that little black chair. The next movie night when we got the bed, haha. We'll keep that one to ourselves.

I remember the drive to McMinnville when I wanted so badly just to be near you and the nights at UP playing ping pong and talking in the Villa common room until you had to go to class, gosh I didn't want you to leave. I remember the first time you kissed me, so nervous, so exhilerated. The first time you met my parents, the thrill I felt to show you off. I remember our love growing, the first time you told me you loved me and I was so excited to be able to say it back. Though I'd already known for a while, it felt so right when you said it. I remember what you told me right before that too haha, but again I'll keep that to myself. It was so remarkkable thouggh, so sincere how you did it. I remember how we grew together, I in you and you in me. I remember the night you showed up at the corner to surprise me and asked me if it was raining. I remember our long talks into the night over your fall break and all I wanted was to be right beside you. I remember our first drive down to medford together, never boring of each other. The first time I slept at your house and the night that we fell asleep in your dorm room only to wake up at 3 in the morning and sneak out.

I remember each and every kiss, each and every moment when I felt something more than the time before and each and every day when I was so excited to see you again. I remember so many night drives home from UP listening to music and looking at the city lights and thinking how could everything be so perfect?

I don't ever want to lose those memories. The year I fell in love for the first time, the year that changed my life and the year that changed me. I want this year to be the same, a year full of more memories, even more moments that I can look at you and smile. And as our love grows even deeper, may we grow into each other even more beautifully and more concretely than we already have. May we live as if we've only just fallen in love but act as if we've been in love for our whole lives. I feel like I have been in love with you for years, I can't wait until I can say that love and I know someday I will be able to.

I'll never forget the day I fell in love with you. It was from the very first moment I met you, I felt it though I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt it. From that first night after our first date when I couldn't sleep at all because I was thinking of you and the whole next week when all I wanted was to kiss you again and feel you next to me. You had me from the very first moments, each and every time I saw you I felt it again, you're the only person I've ever loved like this and I hope you'll be the last.

MISSING YOU

Yesterday I was unraveling, my whole life felt distant, unreal, unlike who I've been for the last year or so. This has honestly been the best year of my life, my most rewarding and the most real I've ever felt. I've accomplished the most and I've felt the best in my own skin.

I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, we don't always know why but in the end, we'll see the reasons. We'll realize how we've grown through each and every obstacle and how it's shaped us over time.

So embrace the moments, take them all in stride, realize everything happens for a reason to make us grow and everything provides a challenge to overcome to make us stronger. Every distant relationship, every moment he's away, every time you think of him and want nothing more than to hold on to him and never let go, there's a reason that distance is necessary. Though we might not always know, we have to believe.

I miss you love, come home soon.

over

I hurt all over, my mind, my heart, my body. I'm feeling alone, lost and left over. I'm not sure why or what has caused this but here I am, sitting in this city I love so much alone, hurt and lost. no one here, no one even thinking of me, caring about what i'm doing while everyone else is off doing the things they like, spending time with friends, family. i'm left here.

so often in the last few weeks i've been picked over, looked over while others get my time from me. looked over as if i'm not here and it seems like everyday i'm alone, everyone else is with their friends, their girlfriends, their husbands and sons, their sisters, their brothers, thier mothers and fathers. i'm not. i'm here every day alone, doing it on my own. i'm here waiting, and i'm tired of waiting. i just want it to be over, i'm tired of it being this way. i'm tired of the uncertainty, i'm tired of living out of a suitcase and wating for you to call, i'm tired of sitting in a silent room and not even having the energy to turn on the tv. i'm tired of talking on the phone, i'm tired of acting all happy all the time when most of the time i just want you here. i'm tired of the evenings alone, wanting to go out to eat so bad but no one to go with. i'm tired of the anxiety.

i'm tired of this. i just want it to be friday and for it to be over.

Dedicated to Bwood....

Inspire Me

Inspire me tonight.
Make me feel that sweet breeze
That only arrives on the most beautiful nights,
Let me walk hand in hand down
Any street I wish with the boy I love,
Show me a picture of Paris in the fall
With the tower beaming, as if its waiting for us.
Let me see my brother grow inch by inch,
And the smiles on my parents faces as I drive up
To the house after a long time away.
Let me feel the warmth of that kiss,
The touch of tenderness those closest to me offer up,
And the moments when it seems like you’re not on Earth,
But in some parallel plane that tastes almost of Heaven.

How about the connection between uncle and nephew?
The inspiration in a tiny baby’s fingers
As he meets a man who will someday be modeled after,
And the time given up by those we love to strangers
Who need it the most, never asking for any favors in return.
Seeing the girl he loves give her time to others,
Time that often is the most priceless object in our lives,
And giving it without any hesitation or doubt,
Giving it mercifully and from deep inside her soul.
See the tiny creatures adopting mothers of their own,
Reaching for any life form they can find,
Even if it’s foreign to their tiny skins,
Even if it be giraffe to lamb, a mother cannot be replaced.

What’s more inspiration than the tiny worlds
The clouds form in the blue sky above us?
The pattern of the sun, rising and setting, more brilliant
Every time we see it,
And the endless cycle of stars and the fascination we have
To the tiny dots in the sky that spell out our dreams.
Feeling that cold breeze on a hot day, catching a moment
When the sun hits crystal and captures a glimmer of hope in light,
The warmth of children holding onto their innocence,
The smiles of accomplishment,
And the knowledge that something you did touched their heart;
Something you did inspired someone else.

Though what about the water that surrounds us,
The valleys of blue that curve throughout the harshness of the land,
The holes of water that become sanctuaries, for creature and man both?
The movement of the ripples, the simplicity of it,
But the complexity as well.
What about the moments we live each and everyday,
The days we love, the years we hate,
The lives we live are inspiration enough to live
A thousand of them.

How about the tenderness in sleep?
Strangers coming in and out of our lives,
Friends, family and love,
New places, new lives, new loves.
What’s more inspiring than the fresh dew on grass in
The early morning hours, staying up to watch the sun rise,
And being more in awe of it every time?
Perhaps saying goodbye when neither person wants to,
But knowing that goodbye only means more firsts,
Another hello at the other end.
Giving yourself for someone else and sitting for hours
With someone else and not having to say one word.
Perhaps inspiration is a hug after a rough day,
A kiss from someone you love when you’re heart is breaking,
And the strength of a high rise as you look up from the street,
Knowing the work and effort and beauty that building represents.
Driving through the moments and taking it all in,
Loving every minute while hating it as well,
Watching the lights of a city you love from somewhere you love
Even more, watching the world pass by as time sits still for an instance.

Mountain views, kids changing, growing, living.
Inspiration is the smell of rain in the fall, the damp streets,
The sudden downpour half way through your run.
Inspiration is hearing the song you want played at your wedding
And smiling as you imagine him standing there waiting for you.
It’s the momentary laughter that no one knows where it came from,
The days when nothing goes right, but at the end of the day,
You wouldn’t change any of it.
Inspiration is watching people go by,
Running at sunset,
Finding a home somewhere you never guessed you’d be,
Loving someone you never thought you’d love,
And living like you never thought you could.

perseverance will rescue us

How many times have we left something or someone behind? It seems every time there's a change in our lives, people and places get left behind, never the same again. I find it incredible that through it all, some people keep their same friends, their same homes, their same livlihoods, always constant, never changing. I guess it might be different for me than for all of you seeing as I've lived in about 4 different places in my life, grown up half way around the world and then grew the rest in a small town in the United States. I've had so many "best" friends, that now I feel like I have to be my own "best" friend. There was Sarah first, then Caroline and Rachel, then Alyssa, then Nick ( in a different way) and Don who I've grown closer with even as time has gone on. I feel like sometimes all these people were in my life to teach me things, some of them still are with me and a part of my life and I am so thankful for that. But I've realized that that bond between "best" friends can be different with each and every relationship.

Some are formed for need of a bond, a girl to girl relationship that consists more like that of a sisterly bond than anything else. There are some that formed out of the differences between the two, a friendship where one is completely different than the other but that lasts because of the bond formed. There are friendships that form out of love, pure love that reveals honesty and truth. There are frienships that form from the "non-neediness" of each other, a bond between a guy and a girl that's not sexual or physical, but a bond that means something to them both. I've had each of these kind of relationships in my life, I've had some leave me and I've left some of them myself. And what I realize now is that each and every one of them meant something, they meant even more to me when both people in the friendship could realize each other's needs and meet them, respect them and truly find the person inside.

Friends, homes, lovers, pets all leave us. At some point or another you'll leave or they'll leave, whether by choice or by necessity. We must accept that aspect of life, embrace it and honor it. You will not live in your house forever, you won't be with the person you love forever (though it may end in death), forever is a long idea. Forever does not exit in humanity. In thought it does, in dreams. But not in real human existence.

So often we let go when we should be pullling in, so many times we curl up in a little ball and wish away the world when we should be embracing it and attemtping to free ourselves from our own seclusion. We seclude ourselves from the world to get away from the reality of it, to spend time alone, to think, to do our own thing. But sometimes we have to branch out, sometimes our touch is the one that is most needed by others and we need to realize that we can't hide from the world, we can embrace it and pursue reality however that may be.

I love you because....

I love you because you see who I am now, not who I was,
because no matter how bad of a day we have, it always ends up better,
because when I'm not with you, I'm thinking of you.

I love you because whatever I want to do, you'll do it with me,
because when I need my space, you always give it to me,
and because every song I hear, reminds me of you.

I love you because when I steal a glance at you, my heart melts,
because I see a future in your eyes,
because every day I wake up alone, I know you're still with me in my heart.

I love you because at the end of each day, no matter what happened, I still have you,
because you'll hold my hand and let me cry on your shoulder,
and because everything in my life makes sense when I have you by my side.

I love you because you're you,
because together we have something more than we could ever put into words,
and because in your arms, I feel safer than anywhere else I could ever be.

Woman

I become what I write.
I become a lover, a friend,
A mother, a child.
I become the father, the brother,
The friendship gone so wrong.
Each word makes me,
Changes me into whatever it
Is that’s needed to convey that art.

I become a dreamer and a cynic,
A writer, an artist, a woman.
It’s the artist inside of me that
Begs for inspiration wherever I might
Find it. It’s the woman inside of me
That begs to inspire others whenever
I might find them.

In all the characters I’ve become,
All the personas I’ve learned to be,
All the words I’ve written,
And all the times I’ve begged myself
To dig deeper and become more
Of the person I form the words for,
There is one that has shown me myself.

There is only one that makes me
Who I am, only one persona that I become to write
Takes me other places and shows me my own heart.

I become what I write,
I can be lover, friend, daughter.
mother, son, father.
But what I already am and have learned
To be in perfect words is

woman.

*stronger*

I think that I've realized something in the past few days, actually I guess in the past few months in which I thought would be the hardest of my life. Today is what, July 09, 2006. It has been 56 days, 8 weeks and 2 months since the love of my life left the city to return home for the summer. And I will not lie, I admit at the beginning of those 2 months I was skeptical, I was scared, I was insecure and unsure of what was going to happen. I was an emotional nightmare, (which I sincerely apologize for) and I was lost in myself as well as in the newly "single" world around me. I was going to be on my own, living all by myself, doing everything by myself, sleeping alone, waking up alone and starting a new era alone. But what I came to realize in that was that I wasn't scared to be alone, I wasn't scared that we wouldn't end up back together at the end of the seperation, I was scared to find myself. And that is exaclty what needed to happen. I needed to find who I was, spend time with me, learn who I was and who I want to be and trust myself before this relationship could go any further, which I hope it goes on for the rest of my life.

It's only when we need things the most that then everything happens for a reason. This seperation has been good for us, it has given us each time to find out who we are and where we're headed. And I think our love has withstood that, showing us the quality of what we feel. I can't wait until he is back up here again in a few weeks, and I know the future only has good things in store for us, but the past few months have shown me how much I've grown and how much I love the guy that I fell in love with. It's been 56 days, 8 weeks and 2 months and in just a few weeks, life will go back to normal and the time that I thought would kill me has only made me stronger.

Starts with a P~

It’s 4 pm and once again
You’ve packed your bags,
Driven home,
To your other home at least.

~

And with each suitcase
Packed full, Yoda in the backseat
Of that little black car I know
All so well, I have to say goodbye
Each and every time.

~

It’s one more 5 hour drive,
One more hot day standing
On the sidewalk as you back
Out and drive down 10th.

~

Just a July day, the ninth day
Of the month, 2 from starting
Something new at a new place,
Only 4 more from seeing
You up here again.
And only just a few more weeks until
Goodbyes are not ordinary.

~

It’s 4 pm and my life goes back
To what it always does during the week.
Errands, school, work, nightly
Phone calls and chats online.
Waiting only for Friday when
You can surprise me by getting here early
And going to the place that we consider
Our “other” home, a little restaurant
On a corner in the Pearl, that starts
With a P and ends with a “changs.”

"All of the Above"

Space is just time in seperate ways,
it's moments that are spent apart,
it's days spent thinking of nothing but you,
it's miles of land in between our thoughts
and our lives alone.

Love is just our way of expression,
it's the moments we spend together and apart,
the days we spend in each other's arms,
and the nights spent with dreams on our sleeves.

Space keeps us sane, love keeps us alive.

Honesty is just the life with a little sugar coating
to keep our minds as safe as we can,
it's what makes us who we are,
it's seconds of finding just the right thing to say,
and the biggest thing that makes our love survive.

Words are just moments put into letters,
they're marks on a page that show our love,
they're moments put into words and
thought put into history for us to look back fifty years
from now and remember as we're old and gray.

Honesty keeps us in love, words are just moments put into space.

Space.
Love.
Honesty.
Words.

In you,
I find
all of the above.

judgement day~

Do you ever look back on your past and just think about the things you thought would fit right into your life and find out now that they were so wrong for you? As I sit here, listening to a country song I just got from my brother's collection, I look back on where I was a year ago, the feelings I thought I had, the ideas I had, the person I was making myself become to please those around me and to get the relationships I thought I needed or wanted, the difference never really was clear. And I see now that none of those things were right for me, none of them made sense with the life I want or the things I love to do. Relationships were formed that were feigned and nothing was real from the words said to what we both thought we wanted. And I guess as you grow you realize more of the mistakes you made and you find out that everything does work out for a reason, that reason just isn't always known for sure in the moment.

No one knows what someone else is feeling, but I guess that the best we can do is to find that one person that comes to know you better than even you know yourself. Someone who isn't fake around you, who doesn't care what you've been through and doesn't judge you by it but who looks at who you are in the present tense. I guess you have to know that some people will always think I'm a bitch, some will always think I'm a spoiled rich girl with her own apartment and everything taken care of. Some will always know me as that girl with the convertible, that girl who dramatizes her life and who acts like the world is out to get her. And I guess there's not much I can do about what they think of me, but I can be the person I am. A girl who has had to say goodbye way too many times, a girl who has finally found a home to fit in to and shouldn't be punished for that. A girl who wants to help others and touch lives in one way or another. A girl who wants to be the best person she can be and who is remembered for the good person she was and how she lived her life. And if people can't see who I am inside and the good thinggs I do, then the hell with them. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see for real the bumps and rides that everyone goes through... don't judge me for who I am, for where I come from and what I do.

Live a day in my life and then see who I really am.

*eras*

Here I am, laying in this bed I used to sleep in all the time, this room that holds so many memories, mostly bad, mostly tears, yet still they are memories. And here with the family that I have always had, the family I've been through so much with and yet it all seems foreign to a point. Perhaps it's because I'm maturing, growing faster than I had thought I was, perhaps it's because all I want is to be with him there and not here except by a feeling of guilt that always resides within me, pushing me to come back to this foreign home and strange house.

It seems that in the last year so many of my dreams have come true and they have changed me and the life I live. I guess that means those that were closest to me had their lives changed as well as mine changed, as all are so interlinked. I found myself deeply in love with someone and he was all that I wanted, his time was my time, his world became my world and perhaps somehow in the swirl of bliss I lost some of what my life used to be. But the thing is, I don't want to go back to the life I used to have and in fact, it feels strange being here at "home" with my parents and brother. It feels strange not having the freedom, the space, the right to do anything I want, talk to anyone I want and be anywhere I want. It's weird to me that some people stay in this era for so many years because for me all I want is so badly to be on my own again, to be at my own home in the city or to be with the boy I love so deeply.

And as I think about it, right here and now as these words seem to spill from my mouth, I have about one more month, maybe 5 or 6 weeks only until the boy I love is back with me all the time. And it seems like just yesterday we had to seperate, those long first weeks without him there and near by. My emotions nearly took me out, the tears flowed freely, the freedom seemed hard to get so used to. And here I am, almost finished with the time he had to be away and I've only fallen more in love with him over the past couple months. Here we are, in a transiition period of our lives, weening out of one era and into another. Leaving behind things we've always known for an era of everything unknown and I can't wait to begin it!

*Rememberance*

**Dedicated to three boys who lost their lives way too early and a tragedy that hit way too close to home**

Life is not long enough,
not fast or slow enough.
Days don't mean enough or show
enough emotion,
moments don't last long enough;
sometimes too long.
I wonder sometimes what happens
to the time, then others what happened
for it to take so long.

Boys and girls die young,
then some people live longer
than should be humanly allowed.
How is it chosen who should stay and who
should go?
It seems so unfair, so estranged,
so unmonumental, so torn away from life.
It seems so unfair, yet so fair to others
who learn a lesson from the rest of this.

Death is something that cheats some,
and rewards others.
Time ending seems to start a new life for some,
and leaves others wrecked and laying on the side
of the road to die as well.
We have no idea when we'll go,
when we'll crash off that broken highway,
or go down in a firy flash, crashing and losing hope
to live again.
We know not of what will come for us afterwards,
we can only hope its someplace as beautiful as
our lives hopefully were.

Life is not long enough,
not fast or slow enough.
Days don't mean enough or show
enough emotion,
moments don't last long enough;
sometimes too long.

complete

Moments can sometimes take your breath away, they can make you realize how much something means to you, how much someone means to you. It only takes one small second for that moment to steal your soul away and when it happens your very breath is stolen from inside you and you know that you're more complete because of it.

It's a moment when his passion lives in you, when his dreams become yours, when you see him in his element and love him even more than you already do. It's when he puts his hand on the small of my back, to pull me closer to him. It's when he needs me, when he's lying beside me with his arm around me. It's when I'm so proud of him no matter what the sircumstances might be, when I know his intentions are always for the best, when he introduces me as "his girlfriend" and when he grabs my hand when I least expect him to. It' when I see him smile at me from a distance and mouth the words " I love you" to me, when he reads my writing and leaves a simple but thoughtful comment, it's when he smiles and I melt in front of it. It's when he lays in my arms and isn't afraid to lean on me through the toughest of times. It' when he genuinely confides in me, it's when he stands with his golf club and crosses his feet and makes me realize how lucky I am to have him.

These moments genuinely steal my heart and bring the love between us to the foreground. It's these tiny moments in time that make me who I am and more complete in the end.

faithful

How is it that faith is so hard to hold on to? When everywhere I look all I see is memories and gorgeous surroundings that mean everything to me. This is my home, here I belong, here I know is where I'll be for a while, and I'm loving every moment of it. So why is it here in this perfect city that my faith has been lost? Why is it here that I've found one thing and lost another? Why here have I found love and lost faith, found forever and lost now, found friends and lost family. Or perhaps I've just given what I used to have a new name... perhaps my faith just turned into love, but is all the same.

Or perhaps I've lost the faith that I always thought I knew just becuase I really never knew it at all. Maybe my faith has turned into a search and journey that i'm supposed to take, maybe I need to lose it and then find it again on my own, in myself. I think that opening your eyes to things you never knew before only helps you to find yourself even more and that as we grow, we only question more and more.

I would never count myself away from religion, I think it's vital, I know it is. In some form or another, I truly believe our lives would be empty without it, but I also know that there is so much to take in in life, that sometimes it's hard to handle it all at once. We're thrown at a million different streets, a million different paths and million different ways to live. We have to sift through the paths we're given and add to them smaller paths to help us make our way through. We must use what we have and are given to find ourselves and then find what we love and what we're faithful to.

Autobiography

Recently my brother wrote his autobiography for a class at school and intrigued by the idea and by his paper itself, I decided to write my own. The story of me. The only life I've ever lived and ever will... here it is: the life, passions, prayers and dramas of me.

Born overseas, in a land sea and sand I came into the world as black haired baby to two teachers. The life I came into would stay with me for 12 years and the land that bore me would soon become a home I long to always go back to, a home that held me in the dunes of sand and the waves of salted sea. An Arab world became all that I knew, a world that favored tradition over popular culture and chose religion over politics. It was this world that I loved for 12 years, this world that made me who I am, this world that captured me and held me inside its palm, inside the desert and the sea.

It was only when I was 12 years old that I said goodbye forever to the only place I ever knew as home. I left that day 9 years ago, as a child knowing far more than I ever should have had to know. I left knowing I would never see these people again, knowing my life would never be the same, knowing that the home I knew would never be the same ever again. That 14 hour plane ride here was eternity, leaving, coming, being everywhere at once and being no where at all. My life was beginning but ending at the same time, one chapter finished, so many more to come.

And moving to Oregon, to Medford, a town in the southern part of the state I finished the rest of my young years. I made friends that have stayed with me to this day, friends that touched me, that shaped me and my ideals, friends that taught me a lot about life. I became who I am today there and those that know me now know that where I came from will always be a part of me, a part of my soul deep down inside of who I am. My life began there, my childhood ended there and again I said goodbye to that part of me. I cried a million tears over that goodbye because this time I wasn't leaving just a home, but a part of me, a childhood, an era that wasn't ready to be finished, a life ready to be lived, a place not ready to be let go. I left so much more there than I did over seas, I left my soul this time and that goodbye nearly tore me apart.

But through a year of Hell, I was pulled from the flames and rescued by someone that I will never let go of. He saved me from myself, from the Hell I was putting myself through, from the blame I was putting on everyone else besides myself, from losing everything I had built, from losing myself. I came to find more ecstasy in love than in faith, finding out that such love is true faith in something, no matter what you call it. I found myself faced with forever and for a time it scared me, but as time grew I realized that love like this was all that I've ever truly wanted in my life. His love saved my entire being, his love is what pulled me through the deepest days of Hell and I knew that I could say goodbye to everything else, but never to him.

This past year has been a whirlwind of experiences. I've found who I truly am, I've learned to be alone, to spend every waking minute with the boy that saved me, to experience new things with now doubts, and to be who I am no matter what the consequences may be. I've learned more of my family, learned to distance myself but stay connected at the same time. I've found a friend in the woman my mother is, I've left the blame and doubt behind and found a hero in my father and as we've grown, I've found both a friend and mentor in my little brother. He is the reason that I am writing this, he is my inspiration and he will always be my closest friend.

My future is not that far away. As I sit here writing this, I am almost 20 years old and everything I've always wanted is within my reach. My dreams and my passions are right in front of me, they are there ready to be used and acknowleged. I cannot wait to walk down the aisle at my wedding, with white tulips, white roses and pink orchids all around me, in a creamy white dress that's simple, elegant and hold my father's hand while he gives me away. REceiving his simple kiss on my cheek as he says goodbye to me, as his little girl that's all grown up. I can't wait for the look in my husband's eyes as he sees me walking toward him, ready to spend eternity with each other, ready to know that no one else will ever have our love. I can't wait to make a life with him, with the man that I already know I will love forever. I can't wait until the day I can come home from work and cook a beautiful dinner, spend the evening with the husband I've always wanted, go to bed and sleep in each other's arms. Wake up next to him, a good morning kiss and off to the day. I can't wait for the day I can spoil my nieces and nephews, taking them shopping and out to lunch, a day with Auntie Casey. I can't wait until I can sit on the balcony with my husband and look out at the river and watch the white clouds pass by in the deep blue sky, sipping wine as the breeze pulls us closer together. I look forward to the rocky path that marriage is, I can't wait for the ups and the downs, because after the downs, life always seems so much sweeter.

I know that when I am on my deathbed, that I will look back and see the past as it was: a beautiful, simple, extraordinary, faithful era of years. I pray that I will look back and like the way I lived them, that I lived them to my fullest potential and touched people along the way. I pray that I will have lived every passion I have,, that every dream will have come true and that every moment will have been worth living, no matter how good or bad it was. I pray every day that life becomes more incredible because right now, I have lived an amazing life and I can't wait to live the rest of it.

the future is here, whether we want it or not

I have a lot going on in my head right now. Some of it controlable, some of it not. First of all, time is flying by. We're already at the middle of June, it seems like just the other day that Nick left, that school seemed like it would never end and that starting at my new school was forever away. And now here I am, starting the last week of my firt year of college, planning a busy three weeks until starting school again and realizing that it's not that long at all until Nick is back up here with me all the time. The summer I thought would be an eternity is going by faster than possible.

And then thinking ahead, in a mere few years, I'll be graduating, starting a life all on my own, perhaps getting married soon after, starting a life that I've never known but always dreampt of. The future is here whether we want it or not; in my case, I can't wait. This past weekend reminded me of how much I've changed, how much I'm happy with the person I've become and how much I love the boy that has made me into who I am today.

him

there is no one like him. he's my best friend, my other half, my confidante and my critic. he's brilliant, my strength, protection, and smart. he's the one and only i belong with, the one and only i want, the one and only i know is right for me. he's the only one i want forever, he's the person that makes my world what it is. he's the love i've always wnated and finally got.... there's no one like him and he's my one and only.

Life List......

There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life. So many moments I want to live, so many things I will eventually do. Here's a list... I know I'll do most of them, hopefully all of them....
1. live in Paris
2. visit Spain and Morocco
3. get married in a simple, elegant ceremony
4. be successful in my career
5. buy my Audi TT, navy blue with a soft top and camel interior
6. travel the world
7. live on the Riverfront
8. take time to watch the sunsets in each new city I visit
9. keep writing for the rest of my life
10. write a book
11. be a good wife someday
12. see Imagen Heap in concert
13. have "Baby I'm Amazed" by Jem played at my wedding
14. read at least a few books every year
15. be an aunt
16. buy an old home and fix it all up
17. maybe open a restaurant
18. donate money to charities
19. maybe voluteer overseas
20. die knowing I accomplished everything I wanted to

~"I"~

Somewhere out there is my old best friend that no matter how we see it, we have grown apart. Somewhere these days are my old group of friends, scattered around no doubt, changed I'm sure. Somewhere a few hours away is a family I used to know, still love but barely know. Somewhere out there a few more hours away is the person I fell in love with for the first time. The boy that changed my life and inspires me each and every day.

Somewhere here in between the sunset and the skyscraping towers, in between the river and the sea, the shops and the streetcars is a girl who only wants to grow into who she is. I have found out a lot about myself in the past month, more than I ever thought I could again. i thought I knew everything about me, the ins and outs, what I would do and what I wouldn't, who I wanted to be and who I didn't. I surprised myself and found out that there is so much more to me than I give myself credit for.

I....
belong here in the city,
know love can last forever
could live forever just watching the sun set
write to keep my soul alive
have lost parts of myself, big parts
have experienced so many big firsts in the past year
barely know my family anymore
miss the moments when i am totally alone
embrace the moments that inspire me
find that pictures can bring back forgotten memories
have a little wild side that I'm no longer afraid to embrace
love the big city life
miss having a close girlfriend
need to cry sometimes
have issues just like everyone else
have a passion for cooking
love looking back at old pictures
find intense inspiration from the beach
have lost friends this year
miss the relationship my mom and I used to have
have almost given up on prayer
have placed more faith in love (whether that's good or bad, who konws)
am right where I want to be
can't wait to start the rest of my life
find solace in the voice of the boy I love and laying in his ams
know forever can last

thank you for you

This morning you held me tight, we laughed, we kissed, we were together and now you've gone away again. But I am not crying as I watch you drive away again, I am anxious for the 5 days until we see each other again. I am so ready for us to be together again, but I also know that it's already been a month since you've been gone and it will only be another 8 weeks or so until it's normal again. Until then I will continue to think of you with all my time, continue to dream of you here all the time again. I will hope for everything in us and believe that we will be okay. Thank you for the effort you are making; it means everything to me and more. For the tulips, for the pancakes, for the moments we shared. For the day in Salem, the chocolates which I adore and the PF Changs surprise on Friday, thank you hb of o... you are the most amazing part of my life and my rock that I hold onto when I'm falling down. You are the one and only person I want to love, the one and only that makkes me smile and laugh, the one and only that I want to share my life with. Thank you for being that person, thank you for you.

Love, ... Case

past the point of no return: loving you forever

You know we've been through a lot these past 8 months. We've both fallen in love for the first time, found out people close to us arent' always what they claim to be, we've had so many big moments together, so many moments that were firsts for the both of us and that meant the very most they ever could. We've grown into the people we are becoming, we've both grown up and dealt with issues in our families, we've dealt with issues within ourselves and issues together, working through the hard times to get to times like these today when I couldn't hardly love you anymore than I already do. I never knew that my first love would be the one that I would want to keep forever, little did I know that the boy I fell in love with at 18 would steal my heart and keep it forever. I've never felt so many emotions as I have in the past 8 months, ups and downs, happiness and feeling lost. I don't think I've grown up as much as I have in these last months of my life and I never thought that these last 8 months would be the best I've ever had out of the 19 years that I've lived but they definitley were.

We've spent every hour of every day together and never got tired of each other, we've spent time together and apart, and those times apart made me miss you even more than I already do when you're just across the room from me. And honestly when you left this summer I didn't know if I could do this. I was scared and unsure of what would happen to us, but you knew our love would hold us together, you knew that we would be okay. You knew you loved me. You knew. And now I can see better how you knew, you knew because you had trust in us. And I do too. I trust us and I trust you.

And after today, after spending this weekend with you and having such an amazing time I've realized something. I know my love for you will never die, I know that every single moment we spend together will make up for all those that we don't, when you are away. And here as you lie next to me, with no idea that I'm even writing this, I want you to know one thing... and I want the world to know it too.....
"After eight months of moments, of firsts and lasts, of love inside and out, of happiness and troubles, of laughter and tears, I love you more than I ever have before. And I know that my love will continue to grow, continue to thrive and continue to become more complete than it even is now. You are my only love, I truly know that. I want you forever, I want us forever. And even though this summer is going to be hard like it already is, I know that when you are back here always, it will be even better and it will all have been worth the pain of being away to be back together again. Happy Anniversary baby... you are the one and only love in my life and I forever do."
~Casey

"Momentous"

When did praying get so hard,
When did loving him become easier
Than painting my nails black and calling
Myself punk rock, when I was pink all along?
When did being alone become so lonely
When I’d lived it for 18 years and suddenly
He changed all that. One day changed 18 years.
Ironic isn’t it? When did my best friend leave
And why can’t I have that back again?
When did living on my own become the best
Thing that I’ve ever chosen to do and how long
Will it be until he’s back? How long till the roses
Don’t remind me of him not being here,
How many hours till faith comes back?
When did days of silence become years
Of noise and when did a baby brother
Become a silent man? Where along the road
Did father become friend after being enemy?
When did heart and soul become words to
Live by and where along the journey I took
Did alone mean something more than it ever did before?
Alone used to be alone in my room, alone with no
One to love. Now alone means wanting the only I love
To be back, missing him. Missing my one and only while
Being alone. Where did the days of doing nothing go?
18 years of being me has turned into 2 years of searching
for more. When did looking for answers get so hard?

When did praying get so hard?
When did loving him become easier
Than changing myself?

wondering

Ever wonder why life takes us where we go? How silence makes us think, sometimes we need it, sometimes it kills us: but none the less, we each need moments of silence, to grow or to heal it doesn't matter. Sometimes that's the same. Sometimes a moment alone is the best thing that ever happens to you. A moment to cry alone in a closet, a moment alone to think about where your life is ggoing, if it's right or if it's wrong. Sometimes you have to take a moment of silence in a church, in a confession to whom ever you pray, or a moment alone in the middle of a city, noise everywhere around you, but silent all the same. How beautiful silence is. How curing it is. How scary it is all the same.

A moment to yourself can help us find ourselves. It can show you the path you want and help lead you on to that. Ever wonder where you're going. Take a moment. Follow the footsteps laid out in front of you and just think... nothing else, think in the silence and go where it takes you.

~not anymore

Breezy days take my breath away,
their stillness, their sultry silence moves
the day through me,
moves the wind, the waves, the faces in and out.

It loses me in the world,
so insignificant, losing track of what I used to have.
Lost calls, lost moments, lost magic,
where did it all go, when will it be back?

The silent days lose me also,
the drives to where I used to go,
the songs that used to make me melt,
remembering those breezy days we walked
all around, to the water and back,
where did they go.

and lately, the breeze loses me even more,
tears don't come, they've evolved into something more,
this is all something i can't control,
so why try anymore is how I feel.
Hmm, how I fell, ironic.
Breezy days take my breath away,
but not in a good way... not magical,
not mysterious, not momentous.
Not anymore.

*dedication*

IT must be so incredible, the feeling, the love inside at that moment. Wearing white, seeing him in black under rows and rows of tulips and roses, pink, white and red. It must change you, it must make you so scared and so happy at the same time, knowing that forever isn't long enough with him, but yet forever is so frightening to imagine. For he is yours for all time, for every single moment in your life and every single hour you breath. That moment must halt your breath, as you look down the aisle to your future,, hand in hand with the father that's always been the man in your life, through good and bad, through everything. And as he hands you off you are suddenly in a new relationship, one as bonding as your's and your father's but deeper and even more everlasting. It must be magic as you know it's really happened, you're really married to that man you love to deeply. It must be insane the feeling you have, the realization of where you are and what you're doing, wearing the most beautiful gown you've ever imagined, staring into his eyes and suddenly, nothing else in the entire world matters at all. That moment he slips the ring on your finger and that moment when love can live forever and only die when you let it. That moment is forever, it's not taken lightly,, it's not "until we don't feel like it anymore," it's forever,for always, until the end. That moment must be so incredible, the feeling, the love inside you at that moment. WEaring white must be the best day of your life.

**Congrats Dez. May love stay with you always.*

~*i fell in love again*~

This weekend I feel back in love all over again with that boy I love so much. I found the truth that had been missing while he was gone, the moments we shared, the time alone just lying next to each other. I found love all over again and realized that he is the boy I want forever, he is the one I want. And I know there will be times when we both struggle with love, when we both are struggling to balance all the commitments in our lives and the growth of each of our lives on their own and with each other. But you know, I don't care, it doesn't matter what I end having to leave behind because I would for him. I think we can both have everything we've always wanted, but if I have to wait a little longer to achieve those, then at least I'll have him to hold at night, him to talk to when I'm upset and him to sit with on our porch with our dogs, just relaxing and looking into each other's eyes knowing that "I forever do" is real and always will be.

growing up... embracing it

I dont think I've ever been on such a roller coaster as this year has been. I was down as deep as I've ever been last summer, as my mother called it "my dark period" was tough for me, leaving friends, my home, my whole life and leaving it behind for something I didn't like and a summer drifting from one place to another, always alone. Then the fall came and I came to school, started life on my own and then I fell in love as deeply as I ever could. I grew up a lot this year, with responsibilities, a new life, an apartment, a boyfriend, I matured quite quickly to make up for the maturity I already did not have. And as I grew, I expected everyone else in my life to mature too and to grow up as I had to and was expected to.


People let me down this year, friends became more like burdens, some at least, and I found that my time alone was spent recovering from the day, thinking and sometimes scared to death of what was going on and what I would I end up doing or being. Looking back, there was a time in January/February that really hit me hard, I was totally lost, unable to really talk to anyone, a time when suddenly the aura of falling love was gone, the responsibility was back and I felt like I was drifting. I was down again and had to pick myself back up, change things up and start over. Again I grew up from that and realized that sometimes all you can do is count on yourself.

And then after a few months of bliss, becoming so close to the boy I love I lost him again. I went from being so high to falling so low emotionallly. My whole life changed once again and after a year of ups and downs all I wanted was a steady solid summer, no emotional tragedies, no emotional upheavels... yet that's not what happened, and that's not life. AFter a few long days of tears and looking at old photos I found myself again and embraced the silence, making it my own and using it as time to think and time to be who I used to be. I grew up again, changed again, altered my life once again and thouggh some days are still hard for me, some days the tears just won't stop falling and I am so dissapointed in the people around me because it seems all I have is myself.

But then I sit here in my fabulous apartment, looking out the open window at a concrete town that has changed me into who I am and let me grow up here, feel at home here and I realize that even though maybe sometimes all I have is myself to lean on, to talk to, to know, I am still in love and I care for him so deeply, more than anyone I've ever known. And in him, someday maybe he'll grow to see the city and the life I live attractive and come to embrace it as well. Maybe someday I won't have to grow up alone, someday someone will be beside me as I grow and they will protect me from the roller coaster I've lived and keep me headed up toward the sky, neve letting me go toward the ground again.

sure as hell

I'm not so sure what I'm feeling right now, I don't know where I am in my mind, all I know is that when I think about it, I'm not even close to where I want to be. I don't know if it's too much alone time these days to sit and think, or not enough sleep or too much running through my head, but I do know that someday soon I want to feel good in my own skin, feel beautiful without having someone have to tell me. I want to listen to sad music and appreciate it but feel fabulous still, feel happy. I want to trust people and look past all their flaws, I want to have a friend that doens't want anything of me except my company sometimes. I want a world where no one tells me.. ."i'm gonna tell you this, but don't tell anyone else." I want to take naps on the roofop under the sun and write about a new topic every single time i sit down. I don't know what's running through my head as I write this... it's weird, itt's foreign, not who I used to be. I don't know though whether better or worse, who knows anymore... I sure as hell don't.

*** just dreaming ****

What do you do when all your dreams come true? Where will I be when they all become reality and who will be there with me? Will I smile on my wedding day in a simple gown and white ballet flats and look into the eyes of my husband knowing that forever is not long enough? Will I get a kiss under the eiffel tower and a proposal under the stars? Will I accomplish all I want to? and will my life go the way I want it to? But no matter what happens I'll survive, I'll live as me and I'll live as the person I become, making friends, keeping old ones and loving forever. Dreams are only as real as you make them... may my dreams and yours stay as real as they may for all the years to come.

baby you're my weakness

When you say my name I melt,
when the music plays and all I see is you,
I can't stop myself from your spell,
baby your my weakness.

When I see you smile at me from a ways away,
and when I'm in your arms,
I can't stop thinking about forever,
baby your my weakness.

And baby here tonight,
as the sky is sweaty and still,
humid and brisk,
baby you're my weakness
and when the music plays and your eyes meet mine,
I would stay weak my whole life to keep you as my weakness.

shadows

Shadows can follow you closely,
they can take over others in your presence,
and drown them without light.
I'm a shadow somedays,
others I'm the sun casting them.
We all have moments in the shadows,
some last for days, some for months,
some rub off on those around them
and some become seperate from who we
thought we'd be.

Shadows can be dark or opaque,
they can take over, conquer and elapse time,
but in the end, they are a part of us and always will be
as long as the sun continues to rise.

forever do

Today was a new day, a new chance, and I took it. today I was happy, I enjoyed myself and though I still missed you my love, I was stronger than I've been. And that's how I need to take each day from now on and I know some will be tough,, some will drag on forever and some I'll cry at night and need to hear your voice deep into the night. But some will be happy, some will work out, some will make me smile and laugh at stupid things that only you and I understand.

And I want you to know something. I could never love anyone like I love you, I could neverr love as deep as I love you, you're mine and I forever do. I can't wait to see where life takes us, I can't wait till october 4th, I can't wait till the moment when our futures truly come together and those moments are what are keeping me going. Those moments are what make me smile and laugh and remember how it used to be when you were always here. those moments and hopes are the driving force that keep the tears out of my eyes and the hurt out of my heart.

So tongiht and always my love, I love you with all my heart, all my soul and I truly mean I forever do.

warning: sick of everything

As a warning ahead of time, this is going to be all over the place, everywhere I am, everywhere I'm not... hold on, this post will be a ride, everything inside my head, and every single thing inside my heart.

There is always something that drives each and everyone of us and something that kills us. For me lately, more has been killing me than driving me, even as hard as I try to be strong, to live just as myself and forget the huge, ugly and tearful journey ahead of me, it all tends to end in negativity and tears. No tears are not sign of weakness, they are not flaws, they are dissapointment and heartache, they are being scared to death of living a summer over that almost killed me before. They are falling because I'm dissapointed in something, someone, who knows. I have people asking why it's happening a certain way, why something isn't here... and i'm wondering myself, if I'm not good enough. If it's me, if somewhere it says something that i'm not worth giving something up. i don't know... and i don't know if any of that makes sense, but the more i think about it, the more i wonder, the more i cry and the more i look out my window and see the empty parking space just wishing and praying that somehow he'll drive up and surprise me on that street corner, making all my wishes come true and all my tears go away.

No one quite understands my issues with goodbyes, with letting go, with losing everything with no choice at all. No one understands the thoughts and hurt I felt when i left my home 8 years ago and left for a foreign place a million miles away and half way across the globe. No one realizes that it killed me, that all i knew what taken without anyone asking me if they could. Then 8 years later, again in one of the most crutial times of my life again all was taken, no permission asked, no considering what i needed, what i felt, where i needed to be. i thought i'd die last summer, i thought the days would never end and that somehow it would get better, and then it finally did, my whole world changed and i had everything i needed, everything i'd ever wanted, i fell in love and thought for sure i'd never have to say goodbye again. i thought for sure this time my permission would be asked, my thoughts considered, my tears would count for something.

but that never happened, nothing changed and i should've known it wouldn't. I just thought maybe for once i wouldnl't have to say goodbye, that once i could have a summer that meant something and that didn't make me cry every night. Maybe once I wouldn't be lonely and left alone to do it by myself. I should've known that wouldn't happen, i should've known i wouldnt have even been asked or considered. i guess it's just my fate, it's what i have to deal with.

i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of hoping i'll see him pull up, i'm tired of no one understanding and everyone taking out their issues over mine, like mine never matter, that everyone else's are more important and harder to understand than my own. i hate saying goodbye and i hate sitting and crying alone looking out at the city so beautiful but yet so hopeless at the same time. i'm tired of no one having the time for me when i give it all to them all the time, i'm tired of being pushed around and used for things. all i want to do is fly away somewhere and never cry again, knwoing that the next few months are going to be amazing and for once in my life have a summer that i enjoy.

summer past

It's not fair, these tears aren't fair,
this lonliness isn't fair,
why on the one day when I needed her
was she not there for me?
Why did fifteen minutes away seem like a million
and why am i alone here when I need someone the most?

It's not fair that I cry these tears,
for they are all too familliar of a summer past
filled with fear and lonliness... why
do I have to go through that once again?
Why am I fated for this lonliness I feel?

It's not fair that I lay here alone,
it's not fair that so many others have it so much easier,
it's not fair that I have no one here, what did I do to
deserve this?
i'm sorry I'm not stronger than this... I'm sorry I have to be
writing this, but if I wasn't,
these tears would be for no reason.

I've stayed strong all day,
kept all those tears and thoughts inside,
but here I am, can't do it anymore,
if I can't talk to anyone about it, then I'll write
and cry wishing away a day lost to lonliness.

It's not fair and I can't get through another summer
like the last,
if this keeps up,
I don't know if I have the strength to make it through.

imagine

Here I am awake again,
staring all around me as if you weren't leaving,
trying to imagine where i'll be tomorrow when you're gone,
and the next day and the next.

Here I am staring out at the city lights,
the night that encases me,
and the notes you left me taped on my window,
the skyline of this concrete town I love so god damn much
and the three tiny words that can make or break any
relationship but that give ours wings to fly.
"I love you" it says, just like I try to imagine
you'll be here next to me saying it.

Here I am awake early in the evening,
waiting for tomorrow to never come
so I don't have to say that goodbye I'm dreading so god damn much.
You kknow I have a hard time with goodbyes,
a hard time with saying them, living them, losing them.
I know it will be okay, but it won't be great, not fabulous, not brilliant,
just okay. But we'll make it through.

I'll just keep imagining you here with me
and the day when you'll be back here,
when we'll be together, never apart again.
It will be hard for me,
but here I am, still a live, I can do this, you can do this,
we can do this, we did it for 18 years.
But here we are, we can't do it for 2, 3 month,
we can, we really can.
I'll just imagine you're hear, that you're sitting with Yoda
right behind me on my bed, that you're in the other room,
that you're sleeping beside me once again.

Imagine life as I'm right there with you,
imagine my hand in yours, iimagine my soul in yours,
in our imaginations we'll make it through by looking
at "i love you" and the cityscape on my window,
leading me on to that day when I don't have to imagine ever again.