My Dream

I sit here, of all places in the world at this moment, in Paris. Here in this city that I have dreamt of returning to for so many years, seeing it through adult eyes, seeing it as a married young woman, seeing it as the leaves are falling, as the wind is blowing, as the skies are such a beautiful shade of gray. And even with such high expectations, it has lived up to everything I thought it would be. I find myself in awe with every step down the street; there is no where else like this in the world for me, no where else that holds so many dreams, so many aspirations, so much amazement. I'm here, it's Paris, and that in itself is just amazing.

I have been in a state of amazement this whole trip and after falling in love with London, Paris has been such a beautiful change. Both so beautiful, but Paris is just on a level all its own. I absolutely loved London and its history and its setting and the people and the city and the streets and the level of classical approach. However, Paris is just so me. I stood today in the same spot that I stood under the Eiffel Tower years ago with my little brother, in a photo taken by my parents as my little brother and I stood under the Eiffel Tower with an umbrella and our raincoats and today it took me back as I stood there again, but this time knowing full well where I was and full well how I got there. I am seeing everything through new eyes, seeing everything as an adult comes to you in stages I think and it seems to me that sometimes memories make what we feel as an adult even stronger.

There is something about being here, being in London, and the same feeling I get when I go to Korea, something inside of me clicks, something finds its way to the surface of my being and I am free. Traveling, seeing the world and revisiting these places I love, being overseas, away from home, is so much a part of me, so much a part of who I've always been and I don't think that will ever change. Being here only makes me want to do this more, and to look around at where else I could go, where else I could live or travel to. For now though, I also really miss home and I'll be so ready to get there again. But for now, Paris is waiting outside, and as I walk out on my balcony tonight, I'll look out and see the Eiffel Tower and smile because I'm here, finally back again to this city that holds so many of my dreams, that holds so many of my hopes. This city is such an inspiration, such a dream in itself and it will remain so for me, always...

The Ride

Sometimes I sit here looking out my gray framed windows, at the pearly gray sky and the changing leaves outside, the rain falling as a fabulous backdrop to the fall, and life just makes sense. When nothing else does, the fall also brings me back to who I am, the rain makes me feel alive, and I can't imagine life any other way. When I think that there might have been another path for me, all I have to do is look at this view, and look around my beautiful little apartment and I know that I'm home, that this is where I am meant to be right now at this moment.

I think that life throws you into situations to make you stronger, and that obstacles and disagreements might make you hurt, but in that hurt, that's living. Tears and smiles, and laughter, and heartbreak, that's all part of the ride. Emotions that we feel that we shouldn't, or that make more sense than anything, it's all part of who we become and what we do.

I am approaching a huge milestone, a moment between myself and the boy I fell in love with so long ago, a moment I thought I never wanted, a moment that I thought would tear us apart and a moment I thought would change everything. Well it has, it has changed everything already, but it's not the change I thought it would be. I never was the girl that dreamt about getting married, never the girl that wanted a family of my own, or a little white house with a picket fence. I've always wanted to be me, to hold up what I think is right and to my life the way I that want to, without criticism or doubt from anyone else. I have chosen a different path and I'm no better or worse for it, but I am stronger. I am stronger for standing up for something different, but afterall, I am different. I am someone unique, as we all are, someone that follows dreams and that only wants a life that's enchanting, that allows me to stop at moments in the rain like this and smile at the beauty around me.

I never wanted to get married, but in the end, there is no reason that I can't put my own spin on traditional vows. And when it really comes down to it, tradition is something I hold dear, even while I know that parts of me are not traditional at all. But it's the contradiction, the juxtaposition that makes me myself, that makes my life my own. So why should my marriage be any different, why should I lose sight of who I am, when I can make all my own and live my life with the man that lets me live the way I want, and all the better, with him by my side through the ride.

Everything I Should Want

It's that first fall day when it's cold enough for the winter scarves instead of the summer ones. And it's days like this that I dreamt of all last year, dreaming of being home in the fall, of being back with the one person who means more to me than anyone else, being home, feeling whole, feeling at peace. So why is it that here I am, all those things come true and still I am searching for more? Why is it that when we finally get what we need, what we want, that we then need something else?

I look outside today, at the cold blue sky, no grey in sight today, and I feel the cool fall breeze through the open window beside me, and I feel changed, I feel different than I perhaps ever have. I feel calm and suddenly at ease, I feel exhausted but ready to take on the next challenge. I'm at another point in my life where I don't know what comes next. All I know is that I know who I am, I know what I believe in and I know that I won't falter when it comes to what I believe in.

What I need to know is why all the things that we used to believe in together, are suddenly different? I wish I could go back and freeze us when life was so simple, when nothing really mattered except for us. I wish that the moments could bring us back again, and that all those times that made us who we became could somehow save us now.

I've made many mistakes and I've stumbled my way through all of this. And suddenly I don't exactly know where to step next. All I know is that I don't want to be like everyone else, I don't want a simple life, I don't want to go what everyone else does, and I don't want to make myself into someone that I'm not. I hope that the person I am is good enough for you, the person that I will always be and the things that I believe in, if they can be good enough for you then support is all I ask.

Today is everything that I should want, and pulling out that box of winter scarves should be enough to turn things around...

Always Feel Their Warmth

The rain is pouring outside and the moments are fleeting toward my next journey and I find myself thinking very much about all those people that aren't in my life everyday but that have had huge parts in my life. Whether it was for a week or years, so many made such impacts on me and my life. I remember the feelings I had when I was with them, I can remember exactly how I felt sitting next to them or growing up with them. I can remember exact moments when my world felt just a little bit different in a great and marvelous way. I remember all the lessons learned, all the moments that meant so much and the way it felt exactly to just be with them.

It's funny how life works, how the tiniest decisions can have such an impact on where we go and who we are. I'm a huge believer that everything is meant to be in some way or another and I have always tried to learn what I could from everyone, from every situation because I think that we don't meet anyone by chance, we meet people and they come into our lives for specific reasons, they are there to teach us about ourselves, to make us laugh, to comfort us when needed. They are there sometimes to just talk, or to bring out something inside of us that no one else can. They are there to show us another path, to tempt us, to push us, to make us succeed.

There have been many people in my life, many more than I could count that have done some of these things for me, but just a few have actually truly touched me in a way has changed me. Just a few have made a huge mark and it's those that I remember in my dreams, those that met me at a very crucial point in my life, those that revealed feelings to me I didn't know I had and those that made a huge imprint on my heart and my soul. It's those individuals that I am thinking of today. Those that will always be remembered however far away they are, those that I might never see again but that will always be in my heart, because while no one else may see it, I will always feel their warmth and remember the moments with them.

The Chase

I find myself completely inspired again today. I have so much ahead of me, and so much that I am so proud to have, so thankful for and so many dreams yet to live. I have all those dreams revived, and all those things to look forward to once again. I'll be back overseas in just a month, two whole weeks with the love of my life, in London and Paris and seeing the world and starting our lives all over again. I know I'll make it to all those places that I want to, that someday I'll be back living somewhere else in the world, pursuing all the dreams I have, chasing all those goals and keeping true to who I am.

Life is just beginning and I can't wait until I can achieve everything that I've always wanted to, when I can look back and say that I was excited with everything, that I loved greatly and that I lived to the fullest that I could. I am looking for different things in my life than others might be, and I'm chasing a different path, but either way, I know that's what I want, and I know that's what my heart holds. I know who I am and I will always be true to myself. I'm so excited to chase the dreams, the goals and that ideas in my heart and head and I can't wait to show the world who I am, and to live different places and look out at the rain wherever I am and smile because I am living and breathing and chasing those dreams that make me live.

For a Reason

I've been thinking a lot about life lately, and it seems like the older I get, life gets even more real and the definity of life is becoming more of constant in my mind. Growing up we feel invincible, we never think about losing those that we love and those are a part of our lives, we're just so used to it, we're just so used to taking them for granted. And I've found myself gradually thinking more and more about the next chapter in my life, I turn 24 in a couple weeks and I have to realistically see that in the next decade I could lose people that are very close to me, grandparents, family members and I really don't know how I'll do it or how I'll pull through when those days come.

I'm in a different now now than I was in college, than I was as a kid. And while I'm glad for it, I also know that I grew up very naive and I think that's a reason why I feel so much like this now. I've never had to deal with a loss very close to me and I don't know if I'll ever have the strength for that. All I can do for now I guess is to appreciate the time I have, the time with those closest to me and the love that I have in my life. All I can do is to breath, pray and have faith, all I can do is dream.

While the real world may be getting more and more real as this next chapter of my life begins, I can smile knowing that I am so blessed and I will live each day knowing that and believing that we are all meant for a purpose, and every single thing, no matter how insignificant happens for a reason.

Believe in the Rain

I believe in the unexpected and in dreams coming true. I know that life is about more than just the things we do everyday, it's about chasing love and dreams and it's about making ourselves go after what we believe in, to go after who we want to be and love as deeply as we can. Life is never easy, it's never going to give us exactly what we want, unless we fight for it and believe that it can be true.

I've been a little lost lately, not truly believing in those dreams like I used to. But I think that we have to realize that those dreams aren't going to chase us, it has to be the other way around. Those dreams have to be something that we can still believe in years later, that we would go to any length to follow and to find that part of ourselves that we've been searching for for so long.

I believe in love and the unexpected. I believe that life presents things to us and I believe that we must have faith and we must have dreams. I believe in finding the magic in the moments and in following your heart. I believe in blankets and tea and cupcakes and ice cream. And that sometimes those are the only things that make me feel less lost and I believe that I might always have a little bit in me that's a little lost, searching for that little piece of myself that I feel like has always been missing. I believe in moments that change you and I believe that sometimes we can find more peace in the rain falling outside than anything else in the world.

So tonight as the rain falls down outside, I believe that I am at peace tonight, I believe that love is real and I believe that all my dreams will come true.

Pain

Here I sit, in my favorite place in the world, with the early fall air breathing in the window next to me, leaves changing outside, and yet I feel broken... not fully whole this morning, or really lately at all. Everything stings us in their own way, people disappoint, life changes, journeys end, hearts break. And here I am, left wondering why it's all worth it. There are some things that hurt us more than others, words hurt, but actions sting even more and the reasons behind those actions hurt the worst. And why is it that when we're giving someone everything, that can't give us anything in return? Not even one day, not even one night?

All those words said over the past month, just have faded away like they never happened, like nothing even transpired, like it doesn't matter, and I don't think it does to you, I really don't think it does.

I'm here so often these days, left alone and disappointed, hurt and battered by the emotions I feel. And I am being broken into little tiny pieces day after day, feeling like you have no regret at all. All those things we had are coming undone, they are unraveling so quickly and everything that always made us so happy, no longer exists. We no longer exist as the people that we thought we were, no longer the people that everyone else thinks we are. And that scares me, and it hurts me all over again because how can we sustain anything when we're trying to be something we're not?

And even now, sitting here watching the words type across the screen, I can't believe that I'm here again, in this place I swore I wouldn't do again, that I didn't ever want to go through again, so what do I do this time? Where do I go this time, because I'm becoming the person I never wanted to be and it seems that I'm the only one getting hurt.

Here comes the rain....

It's days like this when you can just feel the fall starting, there are intermittent leaves changing colors all on their own, waiting for the rest to catch up with it. The rain starts to fall and the city becomes like the clouds so close above it, weightless, clean and fresh... surrounding. This city is so beautiful in the rain and nowhere else have I ever seen that the rain just calms thousands of people, and soothes them in the most extraordinary way. This is when I feel like I'm really home, on days like this that the rain washes everything away, when I feel like I'm meant to be here, that I'm in the Northwest, that it all starts to make sense again.

This is my favorite time of year for so many reasons, the leaves changing, the rain, I can start to wear my boots again, and my scarves and my jackets. I can be cold and actually have a reason to be cold, I love the way the city feels in the fall, and the looking forward to the holidays, my birthday and the fresh start when everything feels like it's about to change... and this year it really is. The fall has always been my saving grace and perhaps why I had such a hard time without it last year. This year it will mean even more to me, being home, being back, back living and breathing in the rain, in the city.

Alive

A year ago, I never thought I'd be here, back in this beautiful rainy city, back at home, new car, new chapter, and all together, just feeling back to being me. So much has changed in a year, a lot of good and a lot of things that have challenged me. So much has shown me about life, about love, about myself and here I sit, in my home, in my city, looking out at the pouring Portland rain and I can't help but smile because I am myself again, I know who I am here, and I am building a life, a home, and I am becoming more of the person I've always wanted to be. Life is moving forward and I am finally moving with it again and I can't wait for these next few months to settle and for life to just slow down again, for the fall to begin, for the leaves to change, and for the rain to fall.

I feel most like myself when the weather starts to change, when the leaves start to change, when the rain starts to flood the beautiful cobblestone streets... this time of year is when my life comes full circle, when I feel the most alive, and when everything looks the most beautiful. Here's the start of fall, to these next few life changing months... when my heart is truly alive.

Moments to Remember

Maybe there are some things that we need to just let go of, give up all the thoughts, the moments spent analyzing and just feel, just believe, just have faith. There are moments in life that just make sense, that fall into place, that seem so meant to be, like we were meant to be there, at that exact second, for that exact memory. We go through life holding on to so many many memories, some we forget, and some we hold on to forever, grasping them so tight to never forget. And it's interesting how such memories touch us, how places touch us, how moments live on forever in our hearts. So many of my memories will always touch me, and make me remember... from that last goodbye in the desert so many years ago, to the moments that I fell in love, buying my first car, and all my first apartment and all the memories in between.

We move forward through life and often we forget about all those moments that made us, moments that shaded us and everyone around us. Sometimes we get so overwhelmed by the chaos, by the world, by life, that we forget why we are even here in the first place, and we forget to love and live and remember like we should and it's a shame, because we have so much to offer and so little time to do it.

Hope

I think there are some things that just have to happen in order for you to open your eyes, in order for you to realize that it's time to change, time to make things better, time to move forward. The last few weeks haven't been easy, or soothing or peaceful, but they have been eye-opening, and they have shown me that people can change, that relationships can grow, and that love really does come through for you when you need it. Somehow we are getting back to where we used to be, and somehow I feel a little bit like that college girl back then, a little bit like the girl that was savoring all those firsts, all those amazing moments that love showed me a new life.

I have fought a lot within myself about this next chapter in my life, and there have been tears and thoughts and journals and moments alone just wondering if marriage is really meant for me, wondering if I'm cut out to be a wife, wondering if I wanted it. And if I've learned anything these past few days, it's that it is something that I want, something that I believe in and something that I want with you, just you.

There are always going to be moments in life that get to be too much, moments where we think we can't make it anymore, but I have seen a new part of you this week, and I have seen us try to get back to where we used to be and just knowing that it's possible, that people can change if they want to, that relationships can move forward, that gives me the hope I need for this next part of our lives.

Finally There

Here I am, just one week from today I will be back home, in my own bed, in my own apartment, with my love, in my city. Just one week, which seems like it took so long coming, like this month was five, and the days seemed endless. I can't wait until this week is done, until I can be home in my bed next week, smiling because I know that I'm there for good this time, no flight back at the end of vacation, no goodbyes for a month, and from now on, life is changing, and so many new things are starting, so many new things are making my life different, moving forward, and looking ahead.

I can't wait till next week, when I can just sit back and smile, knowing that I am finally home.

Apprehension

I'm feeling so restless, so ready to go home, so ready to move on with my life and I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I've been realizing ever so much lately, that I really do want to get married, that I really do want that moment when I promise my life, that I do want to wear that white dress. I think what makes me so apprehensive is that I don't want how I live my life to have to change. I don't want us to change, I don't want marriage to pull us apart, I don't want it to be a traditional marriage or a traditional life that comes next, I want it to be just us, to make it up as we go along. I want to be able to make up my own rules, to make it how we want it to be.

I've been feeling very alone and I just miss home, I miss the comfort of my own apartment, the city I love, the friends, the family that I miss. My time here has run its course and it's a new era in my life, yet again. It's another change, but this time, going back home instead of away from it. I need the Saturday afternoon naps on the couch, watching movies at night, walks in the Pearl, gelato, oh how I miss gelato. I need the rain, the fall, the bare trees in the winter. I just can't wait for that day when I board that plane, knowing I'm done, knowing I'm home.

Ready

Sometimes I feel so alone, despite being constantly surrounded here, I'm not living my life, I'm living there's. I find myself fighting for air or for something familiar, something that I need all my own. I need to fight for what I want again and to be around people that know who I have truly become, know what my life consists of and why. I find myself being dragged down, being pushed into things that I don't want, or having things that I really wanted taken away from me for their own agendas.

I just need to get home, I just need to breathe on my own again, take a break from family and just focus on me again. I think that sometimes family just wears you down, sometimes you need to just go off on your own, find your own way away from them and their ideas. I just need some breathing room, some space. I feel so alone lately, despite the fact that I am constantly surrounded. I'm so ready to get home, so so ready.

Chasing the Path

I have felt so many emotions in the last few months, some good, some bad, some I shouldn't have felt, but did, some that I felt regardless of the consequences. Some led me to peace, some led me no where at all, but I guess that's the point of life isn't it? The journey, finding out where we are headed, and making mistakes along the way. My journey has been complicated and my feelings and emotions have been intricate and complicated and I always will be that way I think, I'm just a complicated girl, someone that is always going to need something more, someone that's always going to be pushing the bar, someone that's always going to push myself, that's always going to feel complicated emotions, some easy to understand, others a little bit more complicated.

I think that sometimes what we feel in those times that we never expected to feel them, can teach us the most important lessons, and if we had felt at some other time, we might have made a different decision, we might have crossed another path, started another journey. I find that so intriguing, that there are so many paths we can choose and so many journeys to take, so many paths to walk that at any point in our lives, we can switch, we can make new decisions, we can follow a new path, we can feel something new. That's what I want my life to be about, feeling something new, chasing the impossible, chasing the paths that I've always dreamed of.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness... we're taught growing up to forgive those who hurt us, and to move on and let it go. We're taught that's the right thing to do, no matter how hard it is. But is that really the right way to treat those that are closest to us, should we just forgive anything, no matter how many times we get hurt? What about when we're hurt over and over again, with the same thing, do we just forgive that? Over and over? How does that help anyone, how does that make people change? Shouldn't we expect more from those around us, especially those closest to us, shouldn't the bar be higher for them?

I think that we get stuck with people that are just part of our world and we forgive their transgressions just because it's easier than stepping back and saying no, that's not okay. Aren't there some things in this world, that just frankly are not ok? And are we not allowed to hold people to that, especially those that should be the best to us that they can if they really love us like they say?

I'm finding more and more that the ones closest to us just expect us to forgive and forget and move on, but what if we're holding ourselves back by doing that, what if I'm holding myself back from being loved how I should, from getting what I need and what I deserve? What if forgiveness is not helping any of us, maybe we shouldn't forgive and forget. Maybe when we get hurt by those that closest in our lives, forgiving is only letting them make the same mistake again.

Home, For Good

I need the rain, I'm craving it. I need the peace and comfort of home, I need an embrace from the one I love. I need the moments at peace, and the sound of the rain falling outside. I need the views of the city and the smell of the fall, the colors of the leaves and the change of the seasons. I need the days curled up at home with a blanket and cup of tea, I need the afternoons of doing nothing.

I need the PF Changs takeout and the evenings out to dinner. I need the conversations with friends and those beautiful early fall evenings that it's still just barely warm enough to eat outside. I need to feel whole and back in place. I need to feel the inspiration as I sit at the riverfront in the middle of the winter, I need to feel the embrace of those I love. And above all, I need to be home.

Stretch

I think that my life has turned the corners that it has in order to make me stronger, smarter and more aware. And as I look around, I really enjoy the career I have chosen, and I really enjoy my close family, however crazy we might be, however many dramas we encounter, however many stories can be told about us, I love every minute of it because I love them. I really enjoy where I am in my life right now, and I enjoy my daily life, even though I feel stretched thin most of the time. I enjoy sitting at my desk and being able to really work, to get things done and know that as I accomplish something, a project is moving forward in a good direction. I enjoy knowing that my decisions really are taken in to account, and that I am entrusted with huge projects, that I am given the responsibilities that I have been given.

Though on the other hand, I really can't wait to be home in my apartment full time, to be able to walk the streets of my city, to see the seasons change, to have lunches with friends and dinners out. I can't wait to feel settled, to feel home, to feel good again. It's going to be yet another transition in my life, another goodbye to the life I've built here, to my parents, to my colleagues, to my acquaintances. This has been a year of experiences for me that I wouldn't have gotten anywhere else and when I look back, I wouldn't take anything back or trade any moment of it. There have been extreme highs and lows, and I have found out a lot about myself, about who I am and who I'm not. I have stood up to controversy and I have stood up for myself. I have fought for what I think is right and will only continue to do so in the future. I have given myself a name and I have placed myself in a footing with men that are twice my age, sitting at the same conference table as them, giving them my advice. This change on one hand will be what I've always hoped would happen eventually, but it's also going to be giving up a lot of what I love about my job. It's going to be a lot of learning again, learning how to transition to this new life.

I feel so stretched thin as it is right now, here's hoping that this won't stretch me any thinner.

Calling

In an instant, the healing can begin. A moment as it rains outside, or an afternoon of sleeping and watching favorite shows in my apartment can turn it around, it can all begin to begin again. I feel the best I've felt today, I feel more like myself, more like my city is finally starting to pull me back. And with only a month left until I'm home for good, I can't wait for the fall, for the changes in the colored trees outside my window, for the rain to start pouring down outside, for the coats to come out and to bundle up with blankets while I sit here writing, sipping a cup of tea in the evenings.

There is so much that I feel like I've missed by not being here for the last year, so much that I never got to experience last year, so much that I miss about Oregon, about Portland especially. I have my own life here, my own space, my own heart here. And finally, it's beginning to come back, it's beginning to heal, to start anew. Finally my city is calling my name again.

Break

I think that sometimes we have to fully break to be able to start to put ourselves back together again. Maybe that's just how the circle of life works, after all you have to die to be fully reborn, and you have to stop, before you can start again. I think I hit that point yesterday, that point where everything that's tearing me apart inside, everything that's scaring me, everything that's eating at me every single day, finally had to break me, finally had to tear me fully apart inside in order for me to rebuild, in order for me to start over and take that first breath again. I am still scared, and I am still torn, but at least I can take the first steps to move on and to rebuild, to accept what is about to come and to embrace it, to learn to live with it and to learn to love again.

I need help though, I can't do it fully on my own. I need to know that the step I'm taking is real and right, and that this path is the right path for us. I need to know every single day that the little things still do matter, that love can be fragile but brilliant, that home can really be wherever you are and that life is too important to let the smallest moments slip away from us.

I need to know that no matter how far or deep I break, I will have someone to catch me, someone to hold me in the dark and help me put myself back together again.

What I am?

Sitting here looking out my window, in my very own apartment, in my city, in a place that makes me feel the most like me, I still can't tug at the nagging feeling in my head, the feeling of instability. The sun is shining and the sky is blue and the trees are so green, and this is home, this is my heart, this is my soul so why don't I feel it? Why don't I stop all the stuff going on in my head?

Maybe it's because big change is coming and I can start to feel it, maybe it's because I'm still not sure what I want, and maybe it's because I'm just a little lost about all the big things.

Maybe I'm just me, and maybe this is just how I'm always going to be... maybe this is what I am, and who am I to argue with that?

Fabulous World

Another long day, another evening alone, another night about to fall, another day passing, another day done. Contemplative tonight, I'm wondering about the answers to questions that I've never gotten in my life, about feelings that were never made known, moments that were never made to the most, goodbyes that never got to be said. What happens to all those moments that just get lost in the span of our lives, missed opportunities, missed loves, missed friendships that could have all been something if we would have made them into something, if we had given them time? What happens to the shuffle of moments, of people, of places? Do the relationships in our lives only exist because we gave them time to exist, because we made them into something, would all those other moments, feelings, connections have been something too if we had gone after them?

There are only so many hours in a day, and that is never enough, to live and to love and to grow and dream. There is never enough time to do all that we want to, never enough time to follow our hearts to their full extent. I guess that's the cruel beauty of life and of love, is that we can never do as much as we have the capability to.

I wonder where I would be today if I had followed my heart in a different direction at each intersection that I came to, not that I am unhappy with where I am at all, but just curious, about what might have happened, who I would have met, where I would've been, who I would've been if I had followed different dreams or different emotions. I wonder what would have come from all those emotions, all the moments that never got made into anything. All those questions that never got answered, all those feeling never made known, all those days chosen to spend a different way. But I guess that life for me is all about living your path to the best you can, following your heart where you can and loving with all that you can... I guess that that will be good enough in the long run, and the people that we did meet, the people that did become a part of our lives, the places, the moments, the feelings that we did experience, they mold who we are and for me, those in my life, those I have met, those I have loved, those places that have meant something to me, that has molded me into who I am, and I am so thankful and so blessed for being who I am, and for being shaped by this fabulous world.

Stay

I've never been a girl that was satisfied with an ordinary life, or that dreamed of weddings and kids and white picket fences. I've never wanted to be the typical wife, and I've always needed my own space and my own time. And so when I met you, nothing changed except that all of my dreams, all of my ambitions, suddenly involved someone else. I have spent a year chasing those dreams, following my heart and experiencing the world and here we are on the eve of being so close to being done with the constant airplanes and red eye flights and short weekends together, and all I want to do is to know that when Sunday comes around, I can just stay and not have to return.

I sit here alone again tonight, after working late, after three weeks of non-stop, missing home, missing you. This gets harder everyday, every second. It's exhausting. I thought for a while that I didn't need you, that I didn't need what we had, that I would be fine on my own... and I would be fine, but that's all, just fine. I am better with you, more alive, more me. And I've gotten to the point where a phone call will have to do, and even after weeks and weeks of not seeing you, you're always there in my mind. I am going round the clock, working crazy and never stopping for a moment, and still I see you, I see us.

So sometime very soon, I will wake up on that Sunday morning and roll over and smile, because I will know that there will be no flight that day, there will be no leaving and I will just be able to stay.

Another Life

Do you ever wonder where you lived or who you loved in another life? I think about that sometimes, and I think that people sometimes miss their moments, that sometimes perhaps they were meant for another life, and even though you are connected to them, that connection will carry through to another world, another life. Life moves on and we forget them, but they are forever connected to us in some emotional way, and in some other world we would have lived differently. In another world, we might be poets, or artists, and reside on the shores of Italy or in the jungles of the amazon. In another life, maybe it's more romantic than this one, maybe it's more of a dream world, maybe it's more inspiring.

I've met people in this life that I think I could have been close to in a different world, and things in this life that have faded, seem so bright in the light of another life. Maybe we get to redo it in another world someday, maybe that's what Heaven is, it's making right all the things missed here in life, maybe it's more romantic, maybe it's getting to be with those people and places that we never could quite connect to here. Maybe my Heaven will be on the shores of Italy or under the Arc de triumphe, maybe I'll be French or Italian, and maybe I'll just be me, no nationality, just human, living and loving passionately and writing... I think that's what was meant for me in another life.

Looking

As the evening falls, I wish it were raining. I wish it were pouring, rain drops large and beautiful smashing into the ground. I miss that, I miss the hard rain, the sound it makes and the smell it leaves. I am not feeling very much like myself tonight and with so little time left here, all I want to do is speed it up. As soon as we have an end in sight, why is it that it seems like it takes forever to get here?

I'm feeling so uninspired as of late and little bit afraid of what is ahead. I wonder if I'll always be this way, if I'll always have my doubts in everything, if I'll find a way to keep myself always inspired?

This blog is a chronicle of my life and sometimes when I'm in moods like this, I will go back to this month a few years ago and see how I felt then... sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. But nonetheless, it reminds me of an easier time and a time when I was figuring out life as I went.

I don't know if I'll ever find what missing in my heart, or if one day, I'll just realize that it's easier to stop searching. I hope someday it clicks, that someday I feel whole, that whatever is missing inside of me will finally come to light. I hope someday I look back on this blog post and will have finally found whatever it is that I'm looking for.

There You'll Be

Sitting here tonight, I'm feeling a little homesick, a little nostalgic and a little bit just exhausted after crazy and emotional week. I want so badly right now for it to be October, to be walking down the beautiful autumn filled roads in Portland, or getting caught in a downpour and just smiling because the rain always makes me feel a little more like myself than usual. I miss the midnight whispers lying in our apartment, and riverfront on a cloudy day in the middle of the winter, sitting there on my bench, gloves, scarf and just writing, soothing my soul. My heart is there, it always has been. I've seen a lot of places in this world, and I've lived all over it, but only one place has ever really been home... with you.

I know that the path hasn't been easy. I know that I have needed time and that I have needed things a little different than most girls that I know, but it's just who I am, and you have loved me anyways. I have loved others, but never like I've loved you. As I fall asleep here alone on this island in the middle of the ocean, I will fall asleep remembering what it felt like to hear you whisper goodnight, and to know that in the morning, there you'll be, forever.

Better Than We Were

Sometimes our lives shift in ways that we never thought they would. And a decision that we made for such different reasons, turns out to be exactly what we needed. I have lived my whole life believing in the saying that "things happen for a reason," but I never really saw how clearly that is true until this last year. And in one year to the day that I started my life here, I have gotten everything that I wished for, just not in the way I thought I'd experience it. I have traveled, seen places that were new and intriguing, I have met people that changed my life and I have truly found in my heart where home really is.

I have grown up, and I am not afraid of who I am or what I stand for. I have learned that life is not at all fair, and that faith can be shaken. I have taken time to myself and I have loved, and I have found that in the end, knowing that you have someone, no matter where in the world they are, to love you for who you are, that is really what matters at the end of the day. That won't stop me from chasing my dreams and for going after what I want and who I want to be, but I have someone that will support me in that chase and people in my life that know that I won't ever stop until I get there.

I think so often that forget to take a step back and see where we've come from, in a year, or in 10. It's so important to see the journey and to see how we got there and who we met along the way. And when we look back, hopefully we can smile, and laugh and cry and feel all those emotions that make us human, that make us who we are. And at the end of the day, if we've chased one dream or fulfilled one goal or loved someone with all our heart, then our journey has progressed and we are better off than we were.

Have Faith

I am sitting here, unable to sleep from jetlag, thinking about love. I've been thinking a lot lately about what I am going to be embracing soon in my life, and how it will all affect me and my life and my dreams and my goals. I don't know where I'll be in a year, or ten, but I am realizing tonight as I think that we have to be willing to hold on to what we love. We have to have faith, we have to hold on to what we love and love those people for who they are and how much they love us.

Love isn't about the future, it's about the memories and the moments right now, it's about loving someone with all you have, whether they are miles away, or right next to you fast asleep. You have to love them whether it's been 5 months since you've seen them or just a few minutes ago. We have to follow our hearts and just love, unconditionally and with our full hearts, otherwise, we are missing out on such pure human emotions.

I have found that you can love people differently, and on different levels. But in the end, as long as the people that you love know that you loved them, even if just a little, it will make a difference. As long as you keep yourself true to who you are, and follow your heart, and love with all you have, love will always pull through and it will always save you.

So to those out there that you love, and those that you might have loved, show them your whole heart, hold nothing back and be who you are. Have faith in love, in your heart and in what you hold dear. Have faith...

Embrace It With Me

I don't know quite how to write what I feel tonight but I feel like writing so here I am, trying to get it out. I am exhausted today, physically and emotionally after this week. I've been thinking a lot about where I am and the future that I've created for myself. I'm scared. I'm unsure of the choices I'm making and I feel so unlike myself right now. Maybe it's being here in Hawaii, maybe it's because I haven't been home for a long time, maybe it's because Korea was so inspiring this week, maybe it's because I feel like that's the life I might have had if I had made different choices. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm giving up part of myself and maybe it's because I'm scared that I'm going to lose all the things that I love most about myself. I'm scared, just scared.

What happens to me down the road when I can't chase the life I always wanted, what happens if I realize that I made a mistake, what happens if I get to that point and I look back and I'm stuck in the life that I never wanted? I'm scared that I'll never get to be the person I was meant to be, living in exotic places, experiencing the world, meeting new people, designing how I want to and where I want to. I want to have the drive to just jump on the next plane and be in Korea in the morning, or Paris, or Morocco or wherever when I need to get away.

I thought that I had given up this part of me, that I had let it go, the need to be just myself. I don't feel much like myself lately, and I feel like I am having to be a different version of who I am. And in Korea, it was the first time in a long time that I got to really feel real, that I felt like I was understood and that I felt like I belonged somewhere. I've been drifting back and forth for so long and I'm feeling lost, like I have no where to belong and that I am denying myself something that is just a part of who I am inside.

I need someone to believe that who I am is still there, that I'm not giving it up for something I never wanted. I need to find myself in this next step and I need those that love me to love me for who I am, all of me and to understand that I am going to be different than most girls, that my life will never be one that they understand but they can love me nonetheless. I feel like no one really understands that anymore and I am feeling so backed into a corner, that this is the life that I have to live and there are no other options... I need those options, I need to know that they are open to me. I can't live my whole life in a box, knowing exactly what is going to happen, knowing that there are no other dreams to chase.

I am scared, scared of losing myself, scared of giving it up and scared of losing who I am, because that is the one thing I've always loved about myself, that I've always embraced, that I am different, that I will not lead the ordinary life, that I will not just follow the path laid out for me, that I will make my own. I need to know that those that love me, can love that about me and embrace it with me.

Seoul will be in my soul

I sit here tonight overlooking this beautiful city of Seoul. It always blows me away here how much I connect to it here, how much this city means to me now that I have experienced it. Every time I come here, I feel like I can't believe I never came here before. I think that one of the reasons that I connect to this city and that it inspires me so much, is that here I am completely just on my own, this is my city, no one else in my life can understand my experiences here, and it's somewhere that I have just for me, some place on this earth that I have been, that I have worked and that I have experienced all to my self. It's also a place where many important moments and thoughts have happened in the last year of my tumultuous year. I am free here, free to live this live, to walk the endless streets and not know what I'll find. I am totally free of connection to my life and I am totally on my own, but still amongst the beautiful Korean people that I have come to adore.

I never knew that first time I was coming here how much I would love this city or how much Seoul would mean to me. I don't know what is in store for me in the next few months, but I do know that I will be back here someday and I will remember what it felt like to be here, to experience it, to remember all the amazing memories I have here all to myself and the people here. I will have it in my heart, Seoul will be in my soul.

Always

Tonight is the last night I will sit here, the last sunset that I will watch from this balcony, the last night in this little blank apartment. The last night I will see this view, the last night that I will sit here in this chair and write. I've been thinking about so much lately, so much about the next few months, about where I'll be, what I'll be doing. It seems that so much is changing, so much of who I am is changing and so much of my future is uncertain. This apartment has been my life for a year, it's seen tears, so many many tears, it's heard my cries and screams in times of pain, it's seen broken hearts and it's seen reunions. It has witnessed the transformation of me, from college student to full time designer and has been the place that I sat night after night, watching the sunsets and looking out over the ocean wishing I was somewhere else.

I have to pack up and leave tomorrow, leave this little blank apartment that was where I thought all my dreams would come true. This little apartment that seemed so meant to be, this little apartment that I have grown up in. I'll never fly over Honolulu again in my life without looking for my building on the skyline and I won't every drive down Kalakaua without looking up to see it, red teak shutters and balconies. Whenever I stand in the parking lot at Macy's at Ala Moana, I'll glance up and smile at it, knowing that this apartment changed my life in more ways than one. When I moved in here, I thought I was here for good, I thought that my life was meant to move away from Portland, that I had arrived at the dream job, in the dream city, in the dream apartment with my dream balcony. Little did I know that my dream really wasn't this at all, but a stop along the way to get to the real dream I had left back across the ocean. This apartment, as did my old apartment at Ione, will always have a special place in my heart and I will drive by and smile, and remember living here, smiling here, crying here.

I am not just packing up my things, but packing up memories, packing up moments that happened here, moments that I'll never forget, both good and bad and moments that taught me very important lessons, lessons that I wouldn't have learned anywhere else or any other way. I will never regret being here, or taking this job or having these experiences. I don't regret the hours of tears over the last year in this apartment, or the moments when I really just wanted to jump on the next plane to get out of here and sometimes when I did do that. I will never forget sitting at my desk here by the window and looking out that night last October, when I had to get out of here, when I booked that red eye ticket spur of the moment, threw some clothes in a bag and headed for the airport. Or when I sat at my little table and just sobbed on the phone. There were also moments here that were the first of my life, like the morning packing up my pink suticase to head to Korea the first time, so excited, so nervous, so ready. Or when I bought my furniture all on my own or when I'd stand on the balcony at 6 in the morning and watch the sun rise or the night that I cooked dinner for my parents.

This apartment has also been filled with very lonely nights and very long days. It has been comfort and security and it has been mine, just mine for a year. I'll never forget this view or the feeling I get from sitting here with the door open, with the evening air surrounding me. This is the moment of the day that I love Hawaii, that evening in which the sky turns a little bit pink and the clouds move a little faster across the sky. This is the moment that I lived for here, that I loved this apartment for, this moment, sitting in this chair, next to these windows and this open door. This is the moment that got me through the past year, that gave me hope. This moment every night, that felt real, that finally felt a little bit like me after a day of feeling out of place.

Hawaii has been an adventure for me, a mixed bag for sure of both amazing moments and horrible ones. But it's also been a year full of lessons, both hard and great. I will miss this apartment and I will miss sitting here, writing, feeling. I will miss feeling and knowing like it's all mine. I will miss the feeling of sitting here, with the evening breeze blowing my curtains just a little and feeling the evening brush against my skin. So goodbye to an apartment that played a huge role in my life and that I will remember always.

Embrace

I know what it means to say goodbye and it seems sometimes that my life has been full of goodbyes. I said my first goodbyes when I was a little girl and boarded those planes not knowing when I'd see all those people in my life again. Goodbyes became for me, a part of my life, a part of growing up, a part of being alive. I have been saying goodbyes, real and forever goodbyes for a long time, and even through all this year, saying goodbye to Nick every time I fly away, and it has never gotten better. But I do believe that goodbyes have a real purpose, that we must say them to grow, that being able to change, being able to be apart and grow on your own and be able to say the goodbyes, that makes us stronger.

I am a big believer in change; I am the kind of person that needs it, that craves it, that grows restless after a while of the same thing. Sometimes I think that when people don't change, when things stay exactly as they are, that that is when we lose sight of that humanity, we lose out on things that could be learned, and we miss out on who we could become. I find it sad when people won't change anything, when their lives go on exactly the same, when their beliefs never evolved, when the lives just go on for 20 years in the same way they always have. Where can you grow in that, or find out new things about the world? Where do you find those ideas about who you are, or find out that there is more to the world than just in your back yard?

I'd like to think that humanity can grow, that we can change and evolve and make ourselves and our world better. I need to believe that, I need to see that because if that's not true, then what purpose is there for us to be here, what purpose do we have as a society, a nation, a country? We are here to make ourselves better, our world better and to make a difference. And if saying goodbyes and enduring and embracing change is how we learn and grow to be able to make that happen, then I will endure it, I will embrace it.

Watch Me Fly

I've been thinking a lot lately about everything that's changing in my life and how much change has already happened this year. My life has kind of grown up for real this year and it seems like with so much happening I am finally finding out my true passions, my new goals and dreams. 2010 is going to be a year I look back and remember as being challenging and rewarding, memory making and dream fulfilling. This is the year that I will look back and say that I got engaged, got married and fully committed myself to the young man I love more than anything, my first love and my last, a boy that I went through everything with, not without challenge or obstacle but made it through, happier and healthier. This was the year that I bought my first apartment, that I owned a property and that I ran my first design projects. This is the year that I possibly started my own business, that I went off on my own and chased that dream that I never thought I'd have. This is the year I'll have gone to Paris and London with the boy I always wanted to go with.

This year I'll stand under the Eiffel Tower again after waiting so long and smile because I think that people change, and this year, I am changing day by day, getting stronger and stronger, getting smarter and wiser, and I am finding out each and every day how much I can do, how much I believe in how things should be different, how my dreams are changing right before me as I grow and how I have new goals, new dreams, new ideas I never thought I would have. I am growing up this year, making it on my own,

I will miss this place, I will miss this balcony and my view looking down upon Honolulu, but this is just one more step forward for all those things I want to accomplish. It's one more step toward the ultimate goal, one more step toward those dreams and it's a memory that I'll always keep, a memory both good and bad, a place that taught me so much, a place that taught me about how the world really is and how much we need to fight to change it. This place is not for me, but it will always have a soft spot in my heart no matter how much I want to go home, there is something about this place that taught me so much and gave me things I couldn't have gotten anywhere else.

I'm a huge believer that things happen for a reason and I see those reasons everyday here. I know I was meant to come here, that I was meant to have this experience, to work here for this exact firm, to learn what I did. I wouldn't have gotten this experience anywhere else. I've learned that the world is waiting for me, that I am just beginning to do what I know I can and that I can make a difference because I have made a difference here, however insignificant, I can see a change here, I can see a shift.

I know that the world has so much for me yet, and I know exactly who I am and what I want to do. So in this year of change, in this moment in my life where everything is converging, here I go, get ready and watch me fly.

For Good

I am lonely tonight, I am anxious and wishing I was home. This is getting so wearing, taking so much out of me, out of us. I miss everything and when I'm home, I only miss it more and want to stay. Yesterday on that plane flight home, I just wanted so badly to get off and be home, not here yet again. I am praying every day, hoping that all of this will work out how I hope, that I'll get to go home sooner, that it will all work out.

I miss the world have there, I miss the evenings just being with you, laying in bed as you hold me, listening to the rain outside. I miss cooking dinners, and making breakfasts on the weekends. I miss the moments, the laughs, the weekends running errands. I miss watching our shows and walking downtown with you. I miss the sunsets and the evenings in the pearl and gelato.

When I finally get home, I just want to experience all of that for good, enjoy the comfort of being home. I can't wait for that, for the comfort, for good.

This Hole

I wonder sometimes if all this going through my head is what other girls are feeling, what other young women are feeling. Is it just me that is hurt by comments about other girls no matter how the person meant it, or when something is truly very hurtful and no one seems to care how much or how deep it cut you. Here I am packing up my life again, here I am wondering if I'll ever be really happy, if I'll ever find that world that I want so badly to believe exists, to find that person that I want so badly to believe exists. Sometimes I wonder if this world and the people in it will ever live up to my expectations, if anything will ever fulfill what I think and believe is possible.

So much of my life has been about breaking boundaries, about a different path and in that I have experienced so much disappointment, so much let down, so much heartbreak. And yet I have hope that someday this world will find its way, that those in my life will amaze me someday and that someday, I will go for a year, or two or ten knowing I still can have hope and believe. I'm not there yet though, and I have a long way to go. And day by day, I am losing my faith, I'm losing my faith in my spirituality, in myself, in those closest to me, and in the life I always thought I believed in. I can't seem to find my way again and every time I get excited about something, every time I think I might pull myself out of this hole, someone else just pushes me back in.

Tragic

I often wonder what I'll do in the face of a great tragedy, when someone close to me is gone forever. I really don't know how I'll do it, how I'll make it. I've never really had to face that obstacle, that moment when you know you'll never see them again, or talk to them again or laugh with them again. I'd like to think that I'll be strong, that I'll make it through the other end of that grief but I don't know anything about how to do it or what I'll do.

Humans are so strong, stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Generations after generations have lost those they loved and have dealt with and it moved on. It scares me sometimes that I won't be ready for it and something will happen, that I won't know what to do or what to feel or how to move on. It scares me that I'll be lost, that life will stop and I won't know when or where to begin again.

We must all face it inevitably, though that doesn't make it any less tragic or any less dreadful, it just makes it more ironic.

Hoping

I think sometimes what we dream as we sleep are meant to give us hope. It's those dreams that show you the place you love, or being with someone you haven't spent time with in a long time that really bring you to that place in your heart and mind when you feel whole, when all the pieces fit. I'm at a point in my life where so many around me are changing, people's lives are changing so quickly and sometimes I feel like maybe we should just all slow down, maybe we should just hold off on the babies and the rushed weddings. Maybe our lives aren't supposed to go this fast, maybe we're meant to prolong the journey, maybe life isn't about the race we make it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about home, about the simplicity of just being able to be home, to just know, that there is no where else I'd rather be. My goal when I get home, is to just enjoy it, to enjoy every moment of my city, to watch the summer turn into fall moment by moment, and the fall turn into winter. I want to walk around the pearl with my love in the late evenings of summer, eating gelato and just seeing the evening turn into night. I want to eat on the sidewalks and write by the river at my spot.

I want my life, I want to hope and dream. I want to know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, I get to go home and smile, because he'll be there, and I'll be there and I'll know there is hope.

Finally Home

I understood a little Korean today as the man at Palama market spoke to his customer in his native tongue, and I felt a little like saying "kamsa hamnida" to him instead of thank you before I left. And I drove all over the island today, I spent the day with family. But still, none of it matters as much to me as being at home. I know everyone is tired of hearing me talk about wanting to be home, and I know they all think that here I am in such a good situation that I should just enjoy it while it lasts and believe me, I am. I am savoring the moments alone, and I am admiring the view every day, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be home. That doesn't mean that I can't wish I was home or look forward to being there. That doesn't mean that home is any farther away.

Sometimes you just need comfort, sometimes packing up and moving is just too exciting. And something in me craves that process, something in me is so excited for a move back home, to pick up and move, and to know that I am moving home, for good, not for a few months, not for a few weeks, but to be there to stay and while I might be on planes still, it will be different, I will always be going home, really going home.

I love knowing that I will be home soon, I love the boxes sitting in my apartment, knowing that soon they will be filled, knowing that soon I will be moving, knowing that in just a few short months, I will be home, finally home.

The Boy I love and the City that means Everything

I've sat here, a few steps away from my balcony a hundred times. I've looked out at this view for a year. And every time I've felt something different, the breeze blowing my hair around my face, and the few sprinkles of rain that scatter in to land on my skin. The lights going on one by one in the buildings around me as the darkness falls on the city; I have a hard time calling this place a city actually, it seems more like a town that outgrew itself, a town that doesn't make sense, a town split between tourist and local, a town that never quite got anything right. This place tugs at me lately, driving me crazy, because all I want to do is to be on that plane for the last time, headed home for good. It seems so much harder this time knowing there is an endpoint, because all I want is for the end point to be here, now. Everything is frustrating me, everything annoying, bothersome. And every time I have a good feeling, or if it's a beautiful morning or a lovely evening, something seems to nag at me in my head.

I dream about lying next to him, as the real rain falls outside the window. I dream of the river, of the smell of the northwest, of the green, of the gray. I dream of spending Friday nights at home, and dinners out with friends. I dream of the normalcy that I love so much, the comfort of home and not spending 10 hours every two weeks on air planes. I dream of wearing this ring, and having him wear his, of weekends just to relax and spend time together. I dream of lunches out, and eating at our favorite places. I dream of seeing the seasons change into each other and the bustle of the city. I dream of my city, my home, my love.

This place could never measure up to home, and it could never win over the place that might not have beaches or surfing or palm trees, but that has so much more. I think that those of us from the Northwest have a special place in our hearts for the place we call home, the place that is so beautiful in its own right, maybe more beautiful than anywhere else.

I know I have a lot more adventures ahead of me, but I want him by my side for all of them. A year ago, I might have wanted something different, or maybe I wasn't so sure of exactly what I wanted. But this year it is entirely different, I am entirely different. There is something inside of me that is changed, something that I know for sure now, something that I used to doubt. I want to go home, no matter what that means, job or not, I know that I can still accomplish anything I want to, and I can do it at home with the boy I love and the city that means everything.

Christmas in May

This rain is making me wish it was Christmas and so this morning I am listening to my Christmas music. Christmas is a time of year that makes me so happy, the spirit, the reason, the traditions and I can't help but look even more forward to Christmas this year because Nick and I will be married, we'll be home, in our home, all our own. We'll continue our own traditions and it will be a new beginning to our lives, finally together again. I'll get to experience the fall this year and the rain and thanksgiving being at home and I'll be there for the snow, for the beautiful gray days and for the holiday shopping. I'll be there for the christmas lights downtown and for the festivities. I may even have a Christmas party this year.

I may have 7 months to go, but I can't help but hope that time flies by because for me, this year everything seems so magical as it really is a new beginning when I get home for good. It's a new beginning for us, for me and for our lives as for so long I've been putting all this off, for so long I haven't been able to be home for all the moments, for so long I've missed the seasons and the city that makes all this so magical. So here I am, 12 weeks away from being home, maybe sooner. I guess that's not that long, I guess I can do it. I guess I can push through and while I do, I'll listen to this Christmas music that makes me feel like home and makes me feel so magical.

Recognition

I am sitting here thinking of everything that's occurred in the last 24 hours. And I can't help but feel so dissapointed, in all those around me, in those close to me. I don't think that I'm asking too much for those around me to stand up for me, for things that should be my decision, for people to be considerate, to not just change things with no consideration from the other person. I'm so tired of giving 100% and having everyone else give 50. I'm so tired of other people making me feel like I am "so lucky to have them" or that they are "giving" me so much. I am giving too, I am doing more than so many other people out there and yet things are always hung over my head.

It makes me want to just move away alone, not rely on anyone because at the end of days like this, it makes me so angry, so furious that what I do is never enough and it's never recognized at all.

Every Step

I think that there are times in our lives that we realize things that have made us who we are. We find out what we believe in and what our principles are just by making the decisions we do, just by living our lives day by day and seeing where we go. I sit here tonight, alone, on an island that has been a bittersweet place to me, knowing in my heart that I'm only here for a little while in the span of time, and then I can go home. And with an offer today, I made a huge realization and it showed me a lot of who I am, and I'm proud of who I am. No matter how much money someone offered me, I would never choose to be away from the young man I love, no matter what the offer was, nothing can ever beat the feeling of laying in his arms in the evenings, in our apartment or sitting at dinner with him. Nothing could ever make me choose that, and no matter what I'm offered in the weeks to come and no matter how people might react at the choice I make, I will always be that girl and that woman that knows what is important to me and what isn't. Nothing is better than knowing that at the end of the day I have him, that I can go home to him, that I can do anything my heart desires because he is there every step of the way.

My Paradise

I had a thought tonight, in the midst of a conversation of why I don't like it here and I realized something very important. I don't like living in Hawaii for a number of reasons, but the most important reasons aren't the slow movement or the aloha shirts or the heat. The reasons that I want to be in Oregon are because that's home, and for the first time in my life I have a home, a real place that I can call my own, a place that means something to me, that is a constant. And that home is where the love of my life is, where my best friends are, where family is. It's where my life is, it's where my life was built, where I built it. It's where I fell in love, it's where I graduated from college, it's where I had my first apartment, where I bought my first apartment. It's where Nick and I built our life together and it's where I just feel safe and whole.

I keep thinking ahead a few months when I leave here for good, and I keep thinking to myself, what will I feel? Will I feel sad for this place, that I never really loved, or will I just be so ready to leave this chapter behind? I'm so anxious to find out what's next in store for me, this feels a bit like it's just ready to be over, like it's run its course. This place has been a learning experience for me and so much has happened to me here, but when it comes down to it, there is no better feeling than curling up on the couch in my apartment in Portland, next to Nick, under a pink blanket watching our shows, and watching the rain fall outside. My mom said to me tonight, "what more could you want, this is paradise!" And I responded, "my paradise is something all together different."

My paradise is rain for days on end, trees greener than green, and gray skies in a million different shades of gray. My paradise is laying next to my love, and knowing that tomorrow we're going to be together. My paradise is just feeling real, refreshed and loved and most of all, feeling like I'm really home. And while I may be living in someone's paradise right now, my paradise is out there tonight across the ocean.

where the time goes

Why is it that when we need time to slow down, it speeds up but when all we want is for it to fly by us, it seems as if the hours of the day aren't moving. I have a feeling these next four months are going to creep by, they are going to take their time and I guess it's the universe's way of telling me to enjoy it, to just live it. But that is ever increasingly hard, and it makes time feel like it's a punishment. I have so much to do it seems, and all the time in the world to do it but for some reason I don't want to, I don't want to do it alone.

I would trade this heat for the rain in a mere moment; I would trade the skirts for the jackets, that's just who I am, that's just the girl that I enjoy being, it's where makes me feel whole, true. I've been on my own enough, and it's not that by going back there I'm not on my own, I live my own life, do my own things, but it all means something. I can't seem to put into words the feeling of being home, it's like now that I finally have found it, I never want to let it go. The seasons, the river, the bridges, the max... it feels right, it feels whole and I want that every day, every moment, every raindrop, ever max ride. It's just who I am, what I am and where I should be.

So I guess I'll just let life ride itself out and sooner than I know it I'll be home for good... I'll get to see the fall, the winter, the spring, and finally it will be next summer and I'll wonder where the year went!

For Me

There are moments when I wonder why I do this, why I sit here alone, why I am not on a plane every weekend, why I'm even here in the first place. And then all the realities and responsibilities come back to me, I have to pay my mortgage, I have to pay the bills, I have to pay for all that stuff that I have in my life, all the luxuries. And then the less material things come into view, I do this because in a way I think my parents need this, I do this so that they will be proud, so that I can say I have a job, so that I get experience in my field, so that I don't let my colleagues down. And then I do this for me a little bit, well I did this in the first place because before I could commit to anything or anyone I needed to at least feel like I could run wherever I wanted, that I could go off on my own and live my own life. And what it taught me was that that's what I was doing all along. I have been doing that my whole life, I have been standing up for who I am and following my heart and dreams all along. I just needed it to be a statement, a few months all my own, in which I could look back and know why I needed that and that I could do it.

And I sit here tonight so high above this palm tree lined city, and as I look ahead, I have 16 weeks to go, just 16, that's all and I'll be on a plane home, coming home to you. I can do that, I can make it, and not just for the financial reasons, not just for the realities and the responsibilities, I can do it for me and for you and for my family. I can do it for my job and for my office, I can do it for my experience and my career. I can do it because it's only 16 weeks out of a lifetime back home with you. So here's to starting the tally, 16 weeks and counting, that's not that long, especially when every two weeks I get to see you, that helps the tally go by faster. So I can do it, and not just for all those other reasons that come to mind, I can do this for me, I can do it for us.

missing you tonight...

I sit here alone tonight on this island, back in this apartment that I should love so much, watching planes fly across the night sky headed towards the home that I would like to be at. And as I look down at my finger, at that beautiful custom made ring, it makes me smile because I know that someone out there tonight, you are. And I'm not alone, you're with me always. This ring means so much to me and it means more and more each day that we're apart and each day that we're together. I never was the girl that her whole wedding planned out or that had been dreaming of this my whole life, and I was totally shocked when you proposed, and maybe a little fearful of what we were getting into. But now, I've realized whole heartedly, I was already committed, I was already with you and in my heart, I was already married to you, maybe not legally, but emotionally I was already there, already in that position. I knew along time ago that I would end up with you, it just took me a few swerves in different directions to realize our path, our destination.

So tonight my love, tonight and for the rest of our lives, I will always be yours, I will always have you in my thoughts and even when you aren't here beside me, you'll be with me, always. I can't wait for these months to fly by, for me to be home with you, curled up in our little apartment, living the life we love. I love you and every time I look down at this beautiful ring, I suddenly realize the meaning of it, the eternity of it, the symbolism of it. I understand the moments that it captures, the future it holds. And I want all of that with you, I want to see where I road leads and I'm so excited for the journey.

Missing you tonight...

What I'm Doing in this World

I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight and actually recently I've found myself battling a lot within myself. And in that time of reminiscing, I have realized a lot about myself, about who I have become, about the woman I am now. I am an incredibly complicated girl, someone that it might take a long time to get to know, but someone that is worth knowing. I am someone that is worth the effort, someone that is worth every second, every minute of the time that it takes to get to know someone. I have a lot of depth, and not much of that is available upon just meeting me.

I am a girl that is very proud of where I am from, and very defensive of the world I knew as a child. I have grown up in a way that is unique and different to most. That heritage, that experience as a child is a very important part of who I have become. I don't look kindly on those that would criticize or not accept that part of who I am. I also have a very broad knowledge of cultures and of countries elsewhere and I believe in the magic of language, of culture. I hope to learn as many languages as possible in my lifetimes, even if that's just snip-its of languages. As of right now, I can speak Spanish, a little Arabic, a little Korean and I'm working on my French. Languages fascinate me, the words we live our days by, in every country around the world, that's what matters to me. Words and culture and design... to me they are all one.

I am ambitious, I won't go lightly and I won't give anything less than all I have to give. My career is very important to me, and I love every single second of it. No matter what I'm doing, I love the versatility of the career I have chosen. I love that I can be drawing one day and meeting with clients the next, that I can make a space so much more than it was before, that I can transform something that no one else thought could be anything. I love having the ability to prove a point with my spaces, to change someones life, to get my ideas out there through a project and to promote what I believe to a client. My career, my field, is exactly the right fit for me and everyday I'm so glad that I chose this as a career and that I followed my heart.

My life is complicated, it always has been and it always will be - that's just me. I'm never going to be the girl that's always in one place, that never leaves, that is content to be in one place her whole life. I will always be all over the place, I will always be following my dreams and I will always be ambitious. I will always expect the most from everyone in my life, because I expect that from myself. I will always raise the bar and I will always go the extra mile, because that's who I am. I will always be complicated and emotional and independent. My greatest fear in the world is losing any of those traits, because that is at the very existence of my being, that is what defines me, and makes me believe in who I am, in where I'm going and what I'm going to do in this world.

A lot has changed... but I'm still here

A lot has changed in 5 years since I first wrote in this blog about who I was, what I wanted to be and where I was going. 5 years ago, I was just beginning my journey. I was young, naive, and unsure of where I was going. And here I am, I'm still here and I'm a little different, a little older and little wiser. Here is who I am; a lot has changed, but I'm still here, I'm still here.

So updated from the original: http://cmartpage.blogspot.com/2005/09/take-me-or-leave-me-part-1.html

Take me or leave me part 3... 2010:

1. I have found that my understanding of faith has changed, and sometimes sitting through mass is the only thing in my life that can sooth me.
2. I still need to be alone sometimes, I still need my space and I still need time to just be by myself.
3. I still love writing more than perhaps anything else, but I don't have as much time for it as I used to.
4. I don't need to live on diet coke anymore and I'm trying to kick the habit, at least cut back.
5. I found a love for Sex and the City... and whenever I need a little pick-me-up or a smile, that's where I go
6. I still love sunsets
7. I am extremely impatient, but I'm learning every day how to deal with that
8. Music still very much soothes me, all different kinds
9. I love to read when I have time, I wish I had more time to do it
10. I don't shop so much anymore, but every once in a while I will take a few hours to do it. I'm more into buying pieces that are classic, that last and that go with everything.
11. I have pretended to be things I'm not to please other people.
12. I have done things I wish I hadn't, but I've learned from all of those mistakes
13. There are memories that I find myself forgetting about, like dancing on a rooftop with a boy I barely knew.
14. I have seen more fabulous places around the world in the last 5 years, many of which I never thought I would.
15. I still consider my birthplace and childhood home in the Middle East a part of me, but it's a little less of a part of me than it used to be.
16. I can still count to 10 in Arabic, and also in French and Spanish. And I can say hello and thank you in Korean.
17. I still need to fall asleep to the TV or a movie
18. Black is no longer my favorite color, I'd have to say my favorite is pink now.
19. I still keep my nails always painted and the color will still tell you a lot about my mood.
20. I am still totally addicted to mentholatum, but not altoids anymore.
21. Little kids still drive me crazy... though I have warmed to a few in particular. Like my little nephew Preston :)
22. I don't want kids, I have come to that realization and I'm okay with it, and I'm more aware of how that comes across to people. But I think it's an important choice for everyone to make and it shouldn't be something you just do because you think you should.
23. I am much more confident in myself, in who I am and in what I can do. I'm not afraid to run with the men and to shine through.
24. I still love reading magazines, it's kind of an escape for me.
25. My aunt is no longer in my life and has hurt many people that I love very much in that process. And I have found that I no longer need her to go to when I need someone to listen.
25. I am still always cold, and increasingly so over the years. I think I have bad circulation.
26. I am constantly trying to be more open minded.
27. I miss my convertible very much.
28. I don't like talking on the phone unless it's with my grandma or my mom or Nick.
29. When I'm not talking, I'm constantly thinking.
30. I am getting married in the fall to someone that I can talk to, someone I can tell anything to, someone that loves me unconditionally and laughs with me
31. I still would do anything for my brother.
32. I'm always in the middle of everything, no matter what it is.
33. I'm really into gray right now... hence the new gray walls and gray windows and gray wedding theme.
34. When I'm really angry I will keep it to myself, most of the time
35. I'm afriad of being hurt or abandoned
36. I am not so afraid of goodbyes anymore, but I am beginning to crave change at certain points and then goodbyes become necessary.
37. I don't feel like I missed out on anything growing up. There is nothing that I didn't do that I wish I would have done. I feel like I lived the last 5 years to the fullest and I got to do everything I wanted to do.
38. I have reconciled with my father, and we are the closest now that we have ever been.
39. I am still very close with my grandma, but I have seen a new side of her as I have become an adult and it's a different relationship now than it was.
40. I still have multiple bedrooms, multiple apartments, but only one home.
41. I have come back to drinking coffee, though not as much as I used to. But a few times a week, a caramel machiato tastes amazing.
42. I could site and write for hours if I had the time.
43. I only like dark chocolate.
44. My hair constantly is still changing colors; it's my way of making a change without being drastic.
45. I went from everyone thinking I was older than I was, to now people thinking I'm in college still. I guess I'm just going to go with it.
46. I miss running.
47. I love talking to my mom and I'm so happy that she is so happy right now.
48. I have a lot of ambitions and those have changed a lot over the years.
49. I love learning about history, and I wish I could just learn everything.
50. I love languages, and in the next few years, I'd love to brush up on my spanish, learn French and perhaps Arabic.
51. I still love my Keds.
52. Rasberries are still one of my favorites.
53. I don't always wear jewelry anymore, just my ring.
54. I couldn't live without my iPod or my iPhone or my Macbook - Aurora, Seraphina and Pink and soon to add to the bunch are going to be Fiona and Bella (iMac and iPad)
55. I love the city and I couldn't ever go back to living in a smaller place. I have fallen in love with Portland all over again.
56. I love old houses, but I don't ever want one.
57. I like to cook but life is so hectic that most of the time I like going out to eat more.
58. I love my height and I wouldn't change it even if I could.
59. I still have a thing for Kobe... hence my love of the number 8.
60. I have found someone that knows everything about me and love me anyway.

Even though I'm still a lot the same, I have grown up a lot and I have added to who I used to be. Stay tuned for the update on Part 2...

Make the Most

I often wonder why I do all of this, and why I go through life like I do. What if tomorrow I was different, what if I decided to change paths? What would happen to this life if I was just gone tomorrow, in another time, another place? Would it change where I am now, would it change who I am, would it change those that I love and those that love me?

I am being pulled in so many directions right now, that often times I just wonder why I go through it all. I just want to come home at the end of the day, feel like I accomplished something and sit down at my table, looking out the window and write. I miss that. I miss the solitude. I miss the quiet. I miss the words, the writing.

Words have always been a way for me to get through the next moment in time, always a way to find peace. I haven't found much peach lately and I'm being pulled down by everything around me. I haven't had a moment in so long that I felt like was my own, that I could just sit and write, that I had nothing else pressing, nothing else that needed to be done. And I need that now, I need the quiet, the motion-less moments, with absolutely nothing but words, and thoughts and prayers and the sound of my breath.

I often wonder why I don't just give up what isn't important, Why I go through it all and get so weighted down. And I think I do it because it's who I am. But I still wonder, if tomorrow I was in another time, or another place, would it change everything here, would it change who I am, who you are, would it change those that I love and those that love me? Would it be the same as it always was without me here? Or am I stuck in this moment, in this life here in this place, in this time? But while we're here, we might as well make the most of it.

Defining

I saw a film this afternoon and I haven't quite been able to get the story and the meaning behind the story out of my mind since. There were so many emotions that I connected with that I am feeling in my own life, and so many moments when I really did feel like it brought me back to moments just a few years ago in my own life, of that college experience, of being lost, of being misunderstood by family and by finding someone that changed my life, that helped me to heal, that helped me to move on, that helped me to find out who I was.

I think that there are moments in our lives that we never quite forget, and for years and years afterwards, they are still ever present in our minds, yet maybe just a little hidden from view. We might have to dig them up to feel them again, or we might have to push ourselves to get to them, but they are there all the same. And these moments are events, both large and small, both affecting millions and affecting only ourselves, and moments both joyous and torturous. They are things like seeing the planes hit the twin towers on September 11th and while I might never be able to explain exactly how I felt in that moment, I can feel it exactly when I remember it. They are moments like that first kiss, or when you know you are falling in love with someone and you will never be the same. It's moments that you remember that feeling of fighting with a parent, of feeling unloved, or of feeling betrayed. They are emotions that you may never be able to explain to anyone, or even to yourself, but they are moments all the same that you will always remember how you felt, no matter where you go, what you do or how long you hide them away.

And through all these moments in our lives, we must find a way to feel them, to experience them and then to move on. We must fill our hearts with all of these and then file them away and wake up tomorrow, knowing that we can always still find them, but that we must begin again and take the next step forward. I'll never forget how I felt that morning of September 11th, 2001 or the first moment that I knew I was falling in love with Nick, or that fight with my dad in the Summer of 2005 when I left home. There are things in our lives that affect us all, things that pull us apart and things that put us back together. It's how we handle them, how we move on, how we do all we can in the wake of them that matters. It's how we take that next step that defines us as who we are and we we can be.

In the rain... just like I left it.

Finally a moment, to sit, to think, to write. And as I sit amongst candles, music, and blankets I find myself thinking of so much. I find myself thinking back to these past few months and what they have brought and what they have taken away. And in many ways, more life changing things have occurred since December in not only my life but many of those close around me, that it's sometimes hard to take it all in. This will most likely be my last month in Portland for a while, until I return for good at least. And I find myself reminiscent and downhearted at that thought. Though I must return to that island apartment for a while, to finish out what I started there. And this time it's different, this time I'm not leaving to run away, I'm leaving to come back and I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's 5 months instead of a year. It's knowing that we are strong enough now, that we've been through worse and that when I come home, I'm finally home for good. When I come home, I am home every night in his arms, waking up every morning to see him next to me.

And sometimes I think to myself about what's going on in my life and I'm a bit amazed. In just 9 months I will be 6 days away from my wedding, in just 5 months I will be packing to come home for good, in just 3 months I will be saying goodbye to my ocean view apartment with the balcony, and so time will fly and we will be alright. This crazy life is so close within our reach finally, and finally I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I imagine that day all the time, walking down that aisle to meet you at the other end, saying those vows in front of everyone we love, hearing people toast us, and watching all those amazing people in our lives be there to show us they believe in us and to support us and all we've been through.

Life seems to never stop, and so when I get a moment like this tonight, to sit, to just breathe and to let myself just be, it brings to mind so many thoughts, so many things that I am so thankful for, so excited for. I am so ready for this next chapter in my life and when I look around at the life we've made, at what we've done, we've done pretty damn good. So as I move forward, as I embrace my last full month in this beautiful Pacific city, I will embrace every day as my last, I will smile as I see the streetcar pass, and laugh when it starts raining. I will wear all my cherished coats and wrap myself in scarves. I will cherish it all, and I will know that when I put all those winter clothes away and pack my bags to head back to the Islands, I will only be there for 5 months, and that when I return, everything I love will be waiting right here, in my apartment, in my city, in the rain just like I left it.

Vows

When it all becomes too much, when the world starts to crumble around me, I know that I'll at least always have you. When it seems I have no footing, when the motion starts to make me sick, when I can't handle it all anymore, all I do at the end of the day, as the sun is setting, is to look over at you and smile, knowing that no matter what we face, we face it together, we face it stronger and we face it in our own way. I don't need this ring, or this date in November to know that you are who I want to be with, and I never did. I don't need this apartment to remind me of the memories we have and the moments we've shared and the smiles we've had or the tears we've cried.

We've been together longer than any of our friends, and we've weathered more storms. We've made a life and we've been close and we've been apart and we've weathered the distance. And on the other side, we are ok. We made it and we are stronger, more connected, wiser. And no one of our friends can come in and tell us they know more than we do about relationships because in the end, it's been 4 and a half years, through very high ups and very low downs, through distance, through broken hearts, through losses and through gains. We've seen more than they might ever see and gone through more than they might ever go through. And we've done it with grace and we've stayed together and we've grown individually and separately. And so here tonight, as I sit on the other side of the wall from you, I wanted to tell you this. These are my vows for you, for our life together, vows that have nothing to do with a ring or a certificate or a legal document. These are my words, and coming from me, you know how important words are to me. Words are the way that I love, the way that I hurt. They are everything to me... and so here... tonight on this beautiful Portland night, I give you these vows, whole heartedly and without hesitation because I've already committed my life to you, I did that 4 1/2 years ago.

I vow:

-to always love you
-to remember where we came from and where we are going
-to hold your hand
-to remember that you are just a boy and I am just a girl that happened to fall in love
-to listen
-to hold you when life is too hard
-to consider your thoughts
-to let you be you
-to think of you every time it rains, no matter where I am
-to hold on to what we are and what we have
-to grow and change on my own and let you grow and change beside me
-to let the changes happen and hold your heart through it all
-to follow our dreams
-to kiss you everyday
-to know that life will only get harder, and the days shorter, but that as long as we're together, we'll be ok
-to think of you everyday before I go to bed and every day when I wake up
-to smile every time something small reminds me of you
-to acknowledge our flaws and work to make them better

and finally, to always cherish what we have, to try and see everything in our eyes together, and to go through life, chasing dreams and following our hearts, with you by my side, always.

Thank you for being an amazing partner for 4 1/2 incredible years... you are the love of my life.

Better

The world flies by faster and faster which each passing day, and I'm feeling the pull of the weight of all that is going on especially more lately. I am feeling myself being pulled in such separate directions, unsure of which way to go, which task to do and I am needing some space and time to just have a break, to just relax and recharge. I think sometimes we just need a moment, to sit still, to think, to start over and energize our lives. We go and go and go and don't even realize it until we hit that wall, like I am now, feeling bruised and tired and overwhelmed.

Our lives are flying by in a few blinks, and here a year later after graduating college I am at this point that I thought would take so long to get to. I want so badly to make my own way, to pave a path, to do something different than my family has done, to be my own person, to do it in the way that makes the most sense for me. And I need to remember along the way that I need to take a few minutes to calm down, to slow down and to breathe, because if I do that, I will be a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife (down the road), a better designer and a better person. So as I sit here, writing because it feels good to my soul, I will breathe and recharge and know that tomorrow I will be better.

Insignificant

The years go by and we progress through the stages of our life. Some of us become women that will change the world, others become mothers, others become women passionate about their dreams, others still become the women all around us, that perhaps don't fall into a certain category, those that are our friends, our mentors, our mothers, grandmothers and sisters. And throughout our lives, we are told to be strong, to love whole heartedly and to dream. We are not told that no one will ever live up to our expectations, or that we will have our hearts broken over and over, or that most of the things we want will never come true. And perhaps we aren't ever told those things because it's the way that we keep going, having to figure that out for ourselves.

Why do we make things so complicated? Why do we grow up believing in all the love stories, but never realizing that what we don't see is the real ending. We always see up to the point where the romance is all you see, and the movie ends. We don't see how hard the next part is, we don't see what it takes to make it continue to work. We don't see all the moments afterwards, all the things that make you want to leave, that make you want to find your own way. And it's that belief in love I think, that makes us keep going, that belief that hopefully somewhere out there, someday things will be different.

I don't know what to believe anymore, I'm not sure I believe in anything. I'm at a point in my life where I am so frustrated. I'm frustrated with who I am, and what I haven't accomplished. I'm frustrated with the purpose of my life, with my city, with the events that have happened. I used to believe in my dreams, in hopes for a fantastic future, for moments that would take my breath away, and all I feel now is that I have worked so hard to get here, and I feel unimportant, un-extraordinary. Insignificant.